My Big Fat Super Super Obese Blog (soon to be: My Getting Skinny Super Super Teeny Weeny Blog

New Job, New Joys, New Challenges

2011-08-13T11:45:00.004-05:00

Picture above taken this past Thursday at my new work. The mustaches were worn to surprise our trainer. Long story, but she's AMAZING and it was her birthday so we all wore her favorite color (pink) and wore the mustaches. Can't say this is very flattering, but I thought you guys might enjoy it.

First, I want to apologize to anyone who might have been worried about me. There are numerous reasons why I haven’t been posting. Some are good and some…not so good. Some of the things I will share with you and some will go with me to my grave lol…unless I ever get around to writing that book.

For the most part, things have been good. I am still hovering around 285 which is annoying the crap out of me, but I’m hoping to get back into my work out routine and hope to start seeing results. I have a vacation coming up in October (going to Florida for the Straight Spouse Network annual gathering..my first and I can’t wait). I’m going to stay focused on that and just challenge myself to try to have at least another 20 lbs off by the time I go.

Some of the good stuff: I have a new job! I got a job with a major online university and just finished my third week of training. I absolutely am LOVING it! I’m a bit nervous about starting for real on Monday, but I’m sure I can do this. I’ll be working as an enrollment advisor and handle the masters and PhD programs for most of their psychology/human services degrees. It was a substantial raise for me so making more money is sure going to be nice.

Because of the new job, Erik had to move back in. It was just too hard to figure out how we were going to juggle tanner with me working outside the home. We are considering moving, but at the moment, I’m still trying to catch up financially so may put this off a while.

Some other good things…I think I’ve managed to get over my fear of straight men. This could be a good or a bad thing depending on your perspective though lol. I’ve been dating quite a bit, had some interesting experiences, did a few things I thought I’d never do, but have no regrets so far. At the moment, I have a few people I’m dating somewhat regularly, but only one that I would really probably drop everything for. I just figured out some time after my last blog post that I just didn’t want to be tied down. I can’t explain it because I was always a one man woman, couldn’t see myself dating numerous people at one time, etc. Now, the thought of getting involved with just one person just makes me feel claustrophobic…like I can’t get air or something. So far, the guys I’m dating don’t have a problem with me seeing other people so it is working for now and honestly…I’m LOVING it lol.

Of course, the guy I think I could eventually convince me into an exclusive relationship at some point is the one that is the most unavailable. He is involved with a church here in SA and is pretty busy. Most of the time he is available, I’m working and vice versa. We had been chatting for several months, probably since January…off and on, very superficial because of how busy he was and I honestly thought he was just interested in friendship so no big deal. I joked about how I was eventually going to get him out and about socially, but usually anytime I tried to get him to go out, he had an event or something. We’d stop communicating and then a few weeks to a month later I’d hear from him again. Anyway, he contacted me several weeks ago just to see how I was doing and we started talking a bit more. I gave him my number again and after 2-3 days of virtually non-stop texting we decided to meet. All I can say is there is this mad, crazy chemistry with this guy on every possible level. He’s brilliant of course, has a lot of varied interests, eclectic in many ways, great taste in music and an amazing sense of humor that just plays naturally off mine. I just don’t know where its going to go. We had long text conversations about the chemistry and about the fact that his schedule wasn’t going to change and that meant it probably wasn’t going to be good for a serious sort of relationship, but neither one of us is really interested in anything too serious for the time being. We ultimately decided that we would continue to see each other when he was available and see where things went. I can continue to date others and he can too.

The night we met face to face we talked about our “pickers;” you know, the inner compass that leads you to individuals for romantic purposes? He mentioned that his counselor had told him he needed to not date for at least a year post divorce (he’s about midway through) because his picker was off. I asked him who he tended to pick and he said “girls that need to be rescued.” Now some of you might say his picker is still off lol, but I don’t think so. I can rescue myself and I have time and time again over the last several years. So, I told him that I didn’t fall into that category, that if I ever needed rescuing, I’d take care of it myself. Of course, he then asked me what was wrong with my picker. I had already told him about Erik because, being a youth minister, etc I wasn’t sure how he would take it all. I told him that I had a habit of picking gay men. His response was interesting; he said “Well, I can assure you I’m not gay, BUT I am fairly unavailable to you in other ways…you may need to think about that.” And he’s right…why is the guy who is most unavailable the one that is driving me crazy because I can’t get him out of my head? Why do we (I) chase the ones that keep us at a distance?

I’m going to start back with a counselor, so hopefully I can figure some of this out. Another guy I see now and then is another writer. He’s written one book and was working on another when his computer was stolen this week :(. He had talked about sending me what he’d written to review, but didn’t get around to doing it…I’m heart sick for him. I couldn’t imagine working that hard on something and then losing it. He is retired military and worked intel doing some kind of linguistics something or other for them, so yeah he’s pretty brilliant as well. I met him through some of the meetup stuff I go to and we have a ton of things in common. He has an autistic son about Tanner’s age and was a punker in high school as well so we have fun reminiscing about all the great music we loved as kids.

Another new friend is a real sweetheart. Has a 10 year old daughter that he dotes on, so I love that he enjoys his role as a dad so much. I’ve only been talking to him for a few weeks, but we can literally talk for hours on end without ever repeating ourselves. He works IT, but as I get to know him, I suspect he is one of those people that soaks up knowledge. We went to play pool the other night and he was explaining the physics of the game; like how to hit the ball where to get a certain kind of spin and why you needed to chalk your cue, the momentum of the ball, etc. Now that would probably bore the hell out of most people, but I EAT THAT SHIT UP! I know, I’m kind of weird that way, but when a guy starts getting all cerebral on me, my knees go weak, my heart melts, etc. Out of all the guys I’m dating, this one is probably the one I should invest more time in. He’s very attentive and thoughtful, hilarious too! Guess we’ll see where it goes.

Amid the semi-steadies, I’ve been out with several others. I was getting so many younger men, I finally figured “what the hell” and went out with a few of them. The youngest was 27 lol…is that nuts or what? He was really sweet, but I just could NOT get past the age thing. Another was 29 and super smart (had a degree in cultural anthropology and lost ME in conversation about what he studied lol) so I thought maybe that would offset the age difference…at least enough to have some fun with him. Nope…the immaturity was still there and I just couldn’t get past it. The only problem with him is I can’t seem to shake him loose! He isn’t stalking me, but he continues to contact me on a semi-regular basis. Another was 30 and finishing up his masters…he was total eye candy ya’ll; 6’5” and absolutely adorable. I still don’t get why he contacted me lol. Anyway, he was from Mexico so he had a pretty hot accent as well. We went out and had a great time, but it just kind of fizzled out eventually. It was fun though :)

Ultimately I decided that I don’t think I can go much below 35 when it comes to age. I’ll never say “never,” but I went out with enough younger men to realize that I’m just not into it.

Now on to some of the not so good stuff. The drinking. Yeah I’m still struggling with this guys. I’m not drinking every day, but I definitely have a problem when I start drinking. If I stop myself after a few glasses, I’m fine, but that usually doesn’t happen. I never used to understand why erik would drink and drink and drink until everything was gone. It used to drive me crazy. Now, I’m struggling with the same thing and …time for brutal honesty here…I’ve had a few nights where I didn’t really remember what happened beyond a certain point. I will get back on my computer to see chats with friends I didn’t know I had or on my phone, etc. That is kind of freaking me out. So yeah, I’ll be discussing this with my counselor as well. I am hoping now that I’m through the training for my new job, I’ll be able to exercise and that will help deal with some of the stress and anxiety. I know when I’m working out, I just don’t drink as much if at all.

Well, this is now 3 pages long so I’ll stop for now. I will do my best to post more. I have been meaning too, but there has just been so much going on, it overwhelmed me to think about getting on and updating you guys.

I hope all my bloggy friends are doing well. Thanks for hanging in there with me.

Sometimes you have to give up on the life you've planned, to have the life that is waiting for you

2011-06-03T22:10:00.003-05:00

This is one of my favorite quotes because it is an idea I had to embrace after learning my husband was gay. My journey down this particular path started towards the end of 2002, just a few months before my mother passed away when I came across the first clues that he might be hiding something. I confronted him, but he was able to convince me that my fears were unfounded; probably because I wanted to believe him. I knew I would be losing my mom soon, had just lost my grandmother and my son had just had major surgery. I wasn’t exactly in the best place to embrace the fact that my marriage was a sham and that my husband would never love me the way I hoped and prayed he someday would.

When I came across additional evidence 5 years later in 2007, he didn’t even try to deny it. Well, he did to some extent actually. Part of him still tried to hold on to something that would keep him in a “safe” place; a place that wouldn’t find him singled out by society, by family members or even friends that couldn’t accept what he couldn’t change about himself. To say I was devastated goes without saying. My world was rocked to its very core and I honestly didn’t see how I could ever recover. I’d spent almost half my life with this man; woven a past, present and could see the pattern of our future laid out before us and then all of a sudden….it all just unraveled.

Most of you have heard this story before; especially those of you who have been with me a while. Recently, someone in my str8 network posted this story about the swan and the scorpion. I’ll cut and paste the story below:

"There was a Swan at the edge of a river and a scorpion approached asking the swan if she would kindly give him a ride to the other side of the river on her back. The swan said "no, you are a scorpion, you will sting me and I will die." The scorpion assured the swan that he wouldn't do that, all he wanted was a ride to the other side and he promised she was safe with him. So the swan gave in and allowed the scorpion to climb upon her back. She swan to the other side and just before reaching the shore the scorpion stung her and jumped to safety. As the swan was sinking, slowly dying from the poisons she asked the scorpion why he broke his promise and stung her. The scorpion said "I'm a scorpion, that is what I do."

Typically, most gay spouses tend to be incredibly narcissistic. It makes sense and I’ve always made the observation that only the worst sort of person would knowingly entrap someone in a faux marriage, make children and a life with someone just so that they could “have their cake and eat it too.” Erik didn’t really fall into this category entirely. I really believe he wanted more than anything to be able to be happy living the straight life. He never cheated on me and to this day I don’t know that he has even acted on his same sex attraction. We had our issues when he finally “came out” to me, but they were short lived and for the most part, he has been decent and assumed responsibility. Many str8 spouses are not so lucky. They have spouses who cheat on them their entire marriage, expose them to countless STDs, belittle them and project their own self hatred onto the str8 spouse. Even when disclosure comes, the gay spouse continues to manipulate and attempt to control the str8 spouse’s life. Believe me, I have heard HORROR stories.

The interesting thing about this story and the commentary on the blog on which it was posted was that so many of us str8s saw ourselves in this allegory. Basically, the point is that we tended to project our own good qualities onto our spouse which they were more than happy to own and exploit. I know I definitely did this in my marriage; put Erik on a pedestal. He is a decent guy, but looking back, I can definitely see that there were times when I would extol his wonderful qualities and while he wouldn’t necessarily OWN them, he wouldn’t refute what I was saying either and at some point on my journey from disclosure to now I would say those were the things that ate at me the most.

I honestly think I got a bit off track here, but I’m not going to edit myself. The whole point of me addressing this topic today was that I read the following post on a fellow str8s blog and wow, could I remember what it felt like to be in THAT moment; to want more than anything in the world to undo what was no longer undoable. Tiffany expresses herself in such a beautifully heartbreaking way that I remember SO well, but while reading it I realized: “I remember, but wow…I’m not that woman anymore.” I could remember the Michelle who ached for her husband to say he’d made a mistake and couldn’t live without her; that they could go on as before and grow old together and I can feel sad for her, but I realized that I am a different woman today so much happier for the Michelle I am today.

She didn’t know it then, but this event, disclosure, freed her in ways she wouldn’t realize for a few years. She was finally free of all the self doubt, the self loathing for never being what she needed to be to make her husband love her the way she craved. She was free to discover who she was apart from this disingenuous relationship, to seek out something real. She was free to rediscover all the things she had willingly given up (my choice, I’ll own that) in her pursuit to find the right magical combination of qualities that would make her what he needed her to be. So many things I put off, or did away with that I loved because he didn’t want to do them or didn’t value them the way I did. Again, it was MY choice to abdicate my own interests and passions, but I am now enjoying my life and enjoying being able to fill it up with what I love.

And yes, I believe that there is a special someone out there for me; someone who crossed my path several times over the last couple of decades, but for one reason or another we never actually connected until just the right time in our lives, or almost the right time lol. Yes, Greg and I are back together again lol. I debated whether to post anything here, I mean we are just getting things sorted out and well, you guys know how crazy things have been for us since meeting the beginning of this year. I think that a lot of what we went through had more to do with all the baggage we are carrying along with us than US really. So now we just have to figure out how to build something together without allowing our past experiences/insecurities to creep in and spoil what appears to be genuinely good and "right" about the sum of us. I’m optimistic that we are on a better path now; guess we’ll just have to see :)

So yes, I’m grateful for that horrible moment 5 years ago when I felt the world crumble at my feet. Out of the detritus of yesterday’s shattered dreams I’ve realized an inner strength I wasn’t aware of. I’ve gone on to experience things (both wonderful and some not so wonderful) I might have otherwise missed and I can honestly say, I wouldn’t trade where I am today for where I might be had I not discovered my husband was gay and continued to live in ignorance. Fellow str8s just beginning this journey? Trust me, you will find your way here too eventually.

Dating post edited

2011-05-29T11:01:00.002-05:00

Those of you who read the post on dating revisited may note that there have been some changes. the overall content is the same, but I took out some of what I thought would be most painful for someone I've dated previously to read. He's promised not to read that particular post and I completely believe that he wouldn't, but just in case there is a moment of weakness, I thought some of what was in that particular paragraph would just be really hurtful so I edited it out. The gist of everything is the same and I still don't think the post is anything this particular person would want to read...just as I really wouldn't want to know the salacious details of his dating experiences, but just in case...

And if you happen to be reading this (you know who you are ;), please know that I do trust you, but sometimes I think our curiosity gets the better of us. I know I probably wouldn't have lasted an hour past being told there was a post on your blog I shouldn't read before heading over to read it. If you haven't read the last post, I still say it isn't recommended reading. Even though its been edited, I still don't think it is anything you really should need or want to read...just trust me on this.

And just to have some info for the rest of you lol....I'm at 290 as if this morning....280's watch out!!! Here I come :) 25 more pounds to go to hit 200 lb total loss. Anyone want to predict what day I'll hit goal?

Dating Revisited...

2011-05-28T00:03:00.002-05:00

So yeah, I made the decision to date. Nothing serious, just have some fun, get out and meet some people. Figure out what it is I really want, play the field a bit. To be honest, the attention has been kind of nice. I posted in my str8s forum the following:

“Ok, because I was posting so much about this recent breakup, etc I wanted to update a bit. I kind of decided just to date, nothing serious...get my feet wet so put my profile back up at (dating site 1) and (dating site 2). All of a sudden men coming out of the woodwork lmao! Who would have thunk? After years living with a gay husband who rejected me time and time again and made me feel like a nympho just because I wanted intimacy with my husband, it is nice to see that there ARE men out there who might not want to run in the other direction at the sight of me.
And no, I do not need the validation of a man because I feel pretty darn good about myself these days. Not just because of the way I look, but more so because of the way I am inside, who I'm becoming as I shed my armor and discover the woman of steel I've cultivated inside my body! It has happened because of all I've gone through (not just tgt) that has made me who I am right NOW.

So, those of you who are just starting the hellish journey down this path...just know that you will emerge at some point...battered, bruised but more resilient than you ever thought possible. Ready to take on the second half of your life with gusto and yeah...its going to be WAY awesome ;)”

I posted this for a few reasons. First and foremost, we have had a recent influx of newbie str8s due to some attention Dear Abby has focused on the topic. I remember what it was like to wake up the next day to find what you thought was a rock solid foundation beneath your feet in absolute shambles. I remember what it was like to go from taking for granted the fact that I would grow old with my best friend and soul mate and then wake up the morning after disclosure to find I had no idea who I’d been sleeping next to for the last decade. The pain in their stories is heartbreaking and ongoing. I’ve been there, I remember.

I have no illusions that what I had to offer in the above snippet really did much to ease that heartache. When the pain is fresh, simply imagining a time when you might be ok with moving on is often enough to twist that knife in your heart just a bit more; still, I think it is important to see that those that have gone before them can and do find their way.

So, yes I’ve decided to date. I’m not sure what that is going to look like honestly. So far, I have gone out with one man (well I had a few other dates that were duds…hell I even had a 24 year old soldier in the army chatting me up the other night lol…have to tell you guys about him another time…also need to tell you about the date from hell because it was hilarious). So where was I? Oh yeah ok, so this guy had actually chased me quite vigorously back in January before I met Greg, but because I was pretty sure he just wanted a hookup I politely declined. We started talking again recently and honestly…he is a very attractive guy. My life coach, aka “Nick” just came right out and said “Michelle, you keep running AWAY from these guys, the ones that scare you because they are not afraid to tell you exactly what they want. I think you need to just run TOWARDS them. You need a man who is going to take charge and give you what I think you really want (namely, a hot passionate romance…of course, the very thing that scares the hell out of me)” I cleaned that up a bit because Nick doesn’t really mince words lol.

Anyway, so I met up with this guy. We had talked on the phone, exchanged several texts and messages. The attraction was definitely there on both sides. When we finally got together, it was obvious the chemistry was there, but he was also up front about the fact that he didn’t have time for a girlfriend really. He has two daughters who live down at the coast and he said if he didn’t have time to see his girls, he didn’t have time for a girlfriend. I told him I actually respected that and explained that I wasn’t sure I was looking for a boyfriend, but that I liked him, he liked me. We could hang out, etc.

We actually had a very nice lengthy conversation about it all. I opened up about myself, he did the same. After an hour or two of just talking, I had some other friends to get to, so I got up to leave. I thanked him for meeting with me and out of nowhere he leaned in to kiss me. (original section edited to protect the feelings of someone who might be hurt to read what was originally here).

I honestly couldn’t stop smiling and I can’t tell you if it was because the kiss was so freaking amazing or because I kissed this hot blooded straight man who came on stronger than most men I had experienced and lived to tell about it…with a smile on my face no less. I realize this may not seem like a big deal to the average person, but for me, this was kind of huge.

Ok, now for the bad news: I haven’t heard from him since lol. There was no mistaking the mutual attraction, but meh…I’m learning that men can be just as weird as women. I have no idea why he decided not to pursue this further, but oh well. There are more straight men out there who I’m sure can kiss me like that again…at least I hope there are lol. He can’t have cornered the market on that right?
So, one thing discovered so far: I think Nick is right. I think I am shying away from the thing I want the most. The thing that scares me, is the thing I want deep down inside. So now I have to figure out how to get from point A to point B without self destructing lol. Any suggestions?

In closing, please don’t mistake this focus on dating as a frivolous diversion. I mean yeah, it can be fun. The attention is nice. Having an experience like that was pretty awesome, but ultimately it is more about me trying to tease out the knots in my emotional ball of yarn so that I can craft a beautiful warm, comforting blanket to wrap around myself at some point and have a healthy relationship with someone. It is about NOT running away this time literally or figuratively by sabotaging myself with food or booze or..whatever else I may choose to use to keep people at a distance. It’s part of hanging up my armor for good and relying on that steely inner core I talked about in my last post.

Update on Diagnosis and a big ol' head trip Michelle Style!

2011-05-27T01:11:00.002-05:00

I saw my neurosurgeon monday and the news was not so good. Sorry its taken me so long to get this posted, I started writing it Monday and have just been busy with other things. Namely trying to figure out how to pay the rest of our bills after both our pay being short because of all the work I missed when I had the weeklong migraine from hell and the other aftershocks.

In a nutshell, apparently I failed the CSF (cerebrospinal fluid) flow study which is where they tried to determine how well the cerebrospinal fluid was flowing through the foramen magnum from my skull into the spinal column. The foramen magnum is the large opening at the base of the skull. Apparently, the lower portion of my skull is too small and the nodules at the base of the cerebellum (the cerebellar tonsils) protrude through the hole where normally they rest just at the rim of the hole. Because they extend through the hole, they make an already cramped space even more cramped and this is where they sometimes interfere with how well the CSF circulates from the skull into the spinal column.

From there, he went on to explain that this is what has caused my headaches for the last 20 years, why I tend to wake up with headaches (the position makes the circulation problem worse) and why I get the exertion headaches or headaches when I get overheated. All of the scenarios basically create more pressure in the skull which causes headaches if I’m lucky, vomiting, dizziness or worse when it gets really bad. For instance, the headache that started this last round of migraines was so bad and was impacting the pons which apparently controls body temperature, blood pressure, etc…which is why my body temperature was coming in at abnormally low temperatures and why my blood pressure was alarmingly high. This is the range of problems I can experience with this particular problem…anything from a minor headache to a less likely emergent situation where basic life functions (body temp regulation, blood pressure regulation, respiration, etc) are impacted.

The doctor went on to say that it was his recommendation that I have the surgery. I know I need the surgery, but part of me wants to hold off on it. I’m on such a roll when it comes to exercise; I appear to have broken the stall (this morning I am at 293) and I’ve continued to work in one to two miles a day walking in addition to taking a boot camp class and my water aerobics last week. My body is getting stronger by the day and I’m loving it. Just as I’ve enjoyed watching my shape come back (I actually have a waist now , I know I’m going to enjoy watching my muscles get more defined and my body firm up. I have this picture of me at about 21 laid out on this couch (it is on my blog somewhere I think, but heck, I’ll dig it up and post it below because I look awesome in it! As long as you ignore the fact that my hair needs its own zip code that is…lol) and I remember at the time I was working out like a fiend and while I know I was maybe 218-220 lbs at the time, I was so incredibly fit. I look at my calves and I can remember being so proud of how firm they were, how defined. I find myself looking forward to not just being thin, but being fit. And I feel like I’m finally hitting my stride when it comes to exercise and weight training; I don’t want to have this surgery and screw with that. I don’t want to impede the momentum I’ve got going now.

Speaking of momentum, I would also like to reassure you guys that I am finally emerging from my…whatever this last setback was. Sometimes it is almost like I need to have this sort of emotional/physical/spiritual breakdown so that I can sort things out, put the pieces back together and emerge just a little bit stronger than I was the last time. Those of you who have been with me for the long haul have probably noticed the pattern. In the middle of it, I often feel as if I’m losing it, like this is something different…that I won’t make it to the other side, but I always do. And when I get back on this side of things, I can see it for what it is…just my way of assimilating change, getting comfortable with whatever is new and different and finding my comfort level with it all.

The last 6 months has required me to assimilate quite a bit. Changes in eating, activity, my body. They’ve seen me tackle my first relationship since Erik. They’ve also seen me fail miserably in some areas and experience amazing success in others. Again, I’m reminded that with the pain of bad experiences also comes the joys of living life and experiencing all the wonderful parts too. Finding closeness and intimacy with someone special when you thought it was lost to you forever. Sharing yourself and being open and accepting of what someone else has to share with you. Discovering parts of yourself that still need work, but recognizing areas of strength you didn’t know you had. Finding your way back to the steel core of strength that was always there. Finding comfort in knowing it will always be there because it has been forged through the blood, sweat and tears of the sum of your life’s experiences. Note to self: you will always be a work in progress and that’s ok.

Yeah, I know I’m in my head way too often and sometimes it gets me into trouble. Sometimes though…it saves me.

Parenting Epiphanies on "fitting in"

2011-05-20T02:23:00.004-05:00

I’m up tonight unable to sleep. I have so much going through my head; especially after a three hour conversation with one of my best friends, Nick. Son, honestly you need to go back to school and get a degree in psychology. I’m serious…I feel like I just had a power therapy session which is good because I had to put off my appointment with my therapist tomorrow. With all the work I missed while sick and the work Erik missed while I was sick, we are just feeling the pinch financially the most right now and I discovered that I still have a portion of my deductible to meet. The good news is that even with having to pay another $90.00 toward my deductible, the sessions should be much more affordable than what the other place was quoting me and honestly…while I’m still nervous, I’m also somewhat eager to get started again in therapy.

In the past few weeks I have vacillated between self loathing and self awareness on levels that surprised me at times. In regards to the self loathing, I was disappointed to discover that I could still sink to some surprisingly low levels. There were days when I could not quiet those voices in my head. There was no reasoning with them, bargaining with them…they insisted on echoing the voices of years ago; the ones that discounted any positive quality I might point to with at least three other negative qualities effectively canceling out any positive feelings I might be struggling to hold on to. Yeah, I’ve had some bad days.

But, I’ve also had days that, while not good exactly, allowed me moments of clarity I needed. Moments where I actually began to understand more about where I was at now as opposed to the me 20 years ago. While yes, I repeated many behavior patterns from years ago with Greg and in other areas of my life, I recognize that I was able to evaluate this behavior in ways I simply couldn’t do 20 years ago. I have a MUCH better understanding about where a lot of these feelings and behaviors come from and the awareness to PREFER time on my own to address them once and for all as opposed to trying to mask them or fill that void inside with a relationship or food or drinking or …whatever else I might choose to distract myself from the work I needed to do. When I’m thinking rationally, this is definitely something I can point to with pride; something that shows me I haven’t spent the last 20 years in some kind of emotional holding pattern. I KNOW better than this. I know that the woman I am today is so much stronger than the woman I was 20 years ago. The “me” today can say that last sentence and not feel the need/urge to discount it immediately whereas the 20-year-old Michelle would never have had the courage to say it out loud at all.

So, I’m going to try to get better about cutting myself the slack I’m always so easy to cut for everyone else. I’m not perfect, but I’m not entirely imperfect either.

Part of what prompted this post was an incident that happened with Tanner today. He had a horrible day at school. Apparently this whole week had not been all that great, but I had no clue. Sometimes, knowing how challenging it can be for parents who have children with severe behavioral/emotional disturbances, teachers will choose to keep what happens at school at school. Today, he had a complete meltdown though; the sort of meltdown that required two burly men to restrain him physically for over half an hour. This hasn’t happened in over three years. When he came home, I was shocked at how he looked. Dark circles under his eyes, marks on his face, a bandaid on his arm where he had bitten himself pretty good. The mother in me wanted to wrap him up because one look at his face told me that the inside was more broken than the outside.

He sat down and I asked him to tell me what happened. He began to talk, in the vacant voice he uses when he’s trying to avoid getting emotional. He just said that they made him mad. I explained that I understood he can’t help feeling mad, but he absolutely can NOT react the way he did today. It was then that his face just crumbled and he pretty much collapsed at my feet crying that he was a freak, he didn’t want to be deaf, he had no friends, nobody liked him, he wished he were dead…wished he had died when he was a baby and had meningitis. My own heart just shattered hearing him say this. He just looked so absolutely broken, exhausted from the day’s meltdown and broken spiritually and emotionally. I reached out and grabbed his hand, pulled him in for a hug and let him cry for a bit.

When I pulled away I told him he wasn’t a freak and asked him to think about all the deaf people he knew; the people he goes to see at Deaf Chat, the people he sees at church, his Big Brother Sam…where they freaks? Initially he said “yes,” but I told him that was ridiculous…that if he truly felt that way, he wouldn’t want to go to Deaf Chat or to church. He went because he liked them all and looked forward to seeing them.

I then reminded him of something I’ve told him from a very young age: “Not everyone is going to like you Tanner; and that’s ok.” Of course, like any teenager, he talked about wanting to be popular, wanting to have friends, wanting to “fit in.” I said “Ok so what, you are deaf…I’m fat…daddy was kind of a nerd…we ALL have something that makes us different, but in the end..that is what makes the world so interesting and beautiful.” I pointed out how boring it would be if everyone were the same. He insisted it would be great if everyone were the same, then they wouldn’t have to worry about fitting in. I again pointed out how boring it would be... if you were friends with someone, what motivation would we have to check out the person across the room if we knew they were going to be just like the person we were talking to…just like us for that matter. The exciting part of life is meeting new people, having new experiences, learning new things and then sharing those things, that knowledge with others.

I then started talking more about my high school experiences; how groups of boys would make earthquake noises as I walked down the hall or say the cruelest things right to my face just to get a laugh out of their friends. I told him how I would come home almost every day and cry into my pillow or on my mom’s shoulder because it hurt so bad. I told him I knew exactly what he was feeling. Then I said, “But you know what Tanner? My mom used to say this very thing to me when I was your age, but I would think ‘What does she know? She doesn’t understand.” “Now that I’m older, I can look back at that little girl and I can see all her amazing qualities…most of them still describe me today…I’m a good friend, my friends are my friends and they know that they can count on me through thick and thin. I’m also a very giving person. I’m funny and I’m fun to be around a lot of the time, etc. I then asked him if he agreed with all that, did he think that younger girl was a freak? He said “no.”

“I don’t either Tanner and you know what? You aren’t a freak. You are funny and charming and sweet and caring. Even with your challenges, you still have this amazing ability to endear yourself to people and that is a huge positive thing you have going for you sweetie. So, I think about teenage Michelle and I think ‘She wasn’t a freak and how sad that all those kids missed out on knowing her because they let the way she looked get in the way of them making a pretty terrific friend, don’t you agree?’” He did.

We talked about what a great guy his dad was, how funny he is and how much fun he can be; how special he is. I told him that in high school, he was painfully shy and withdrawn and a lot of people thought he was nerdy and uncool. Did he think dad was a freak? Of course he didn’t…he thinks dad is the greatest thing since sliced bread! Well, unfortunately there were people in high school that missed out on knowing the Erik we know and love, isn’t that sad? Tanner agreed.

I just looked at him and said “Well sweetie, that is exactly what I think about the unfortunate people who don’t take the time to get to know YOU, the Tanner I know and love. They will never ever know what it is like to laugh at your jokes or get a comforting hug or word from you. They’ll never understand what a good friend you can be or how thoughtful you are. I feel sorry for them because they missed out. But that is life tanner…not everyone is going to like you. If they have good reason not to like you, then you should work on changing those things, but if they dislike you for something that can’t be changed, for who you are, and they let that get in the way of getting to know you, well then…it’s their loss. I feel sorry for them."

By the time I was done, I could see that it was starting to sink in, that he was processing what I was saying and that it was really helping him. I don’t reiterate this here because I want kudos or a pat on the back. Some may not think I said the right things or would have handled the situation entirely different. I honestly can’t take credit for much of what I said. When I was telling Nick about it later, I told him…”This is one of those moments where I really think God was giving me the words Tanner needed to hear.” Something else I realized is that He was also speaking to me; giving me the words we BOTH needed to hear. In trying to help my son cope, I realized that I may have shortcomings, I may be imperfect, but I am not a freak. I am worthwhile regardless of my shell and yes, my inner self needs some work, but as long as I keep striving, keep trying to get there, that is all I can ask of myself.

And I raaaan....

2011-05-18T23:13:00.001-05:00

Ok, so I had this long introspective post about another topic. I was all ready to post it tonight and THEN I went to my first bootcamp class. Well at least my first at our local YMCA. OMG, it was exhausting, but I actually RAN yall! I probably looked like a monkey on crack and it felt as unnatural as anything I’ve ever done (I think the last time I ran was maybe in elementary school lol), but I actually ran lol!! Before you know it, I’m going to be doing the Boston marathon!

The only drawback was I was absolutely not wearing the right bra for the workout…pretty little lace number. Looks GREAT (if I must say so myself), but doesn’t keep the girls in one place when you are attempting your first sprint in several decades! Luckily, I remembered that I have two jog bras I paid a small fortune for, but could never wear because once I got them on, my ribcage would not expand to allow for respiration lol. That can be kind of a problem when you are trying to work out. I tried one on tonight and realized that it is almost too big :( but I think it will work much better than most of my other bras for at least the next few months.

So can you believe it??? Me! RUNNING!

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Migraine Brain

2011-05-17T21:10:00.003-05:00

This has to be the third time I’ve started this post. I get more than halfway through it and just find myself bored silly so I think, “If I’m bored and it is MY life, how am I going to expect anyone else to spend the few minutes it will take to read through it.” I suppose there is something to say for having a few hum drum days. Sunday actually wasn’t so humdrum. I tried to visit the pool with Shannon. Incidentally she is having her surgery tomorrow, please keep her in your prayers. I’m so excited to see what this next year has in store for her :D! I had a great time, but left with the beginnings of what would become a horrendous migraine. I sort of spend most days with some kind of throbbing at the base of my skull/neck and I’ve just had to get to the point where I take my meds and continue with my life and hope whatever I do doesn’t exacerbate the problem. Occasionally, I wind up with the sort of migraine that sends me fetal for hours/days. This was one of those times, thankfully, it was just for the evening.

Erik ended up coming home at some point because I was so sick. He was so worried, he actually climbed into bed with me just to rub my head and try to offer some comfort…sweet, but strange too. I don’t think we’ve had a moment like that in a very long time. Totally platonic of course, it honestly felt like having my brother or uncle comfort me which was kind of a surprising revelation for me, but it was sweet nonetheless and just nice to feel as if someone cared that I was hurting.

By the next morning I was feeling better; still had a dull throb, but managed to get up and go for my morning walk which left me feeling relaxed and ready for the rest of the day. I’m finding that the morning walk is fast becoming my morning meditation period. I mostly have pretty chill music on my ipod so I sort of lose myself in the music…breathing in the cool morning air and exhaling in time with each step, feeling my calves and thighs begin to ache with the brisk pace I can now manage. I’ve mapped out a mile around my neighborhood and I’m managing to complete it in about 20-25 minutes. Today, I went for a second walk (the same distance) at lunch and then went to my water aerobics class this evening. I have to pick Erik up from work after midnight and I found myself considering one more walk around the neighborhood maybe before I go get him.

I know, I know…it sounds excessive. Maybe it is, but it relaxes me and, like I said, its almost like valium or something for me right now. I suppose a walk is better than a glass of wine or a hoho right? So, if I’m going to reach for some healthier coping mechanisms to manage the stress I’m under, I suppose exercise is better than other options as long as I’m careful and don’t injure myself. I’m being careful.

Oh! I almost forgot (part of migraine brain…I have moments where I can think very clearly and others where I stop and start a hundred times), I also realized something while I was fetal with Sunday’s migraine; part of some of the emotional upheaval and lability I’ve been experienced can also be contributed to my migraines resurfacing. It dawned on me that when I was having them like this years ago, I had the same problems. Living with the chronic pain is one thing, but it also plays with your normal routine, sleep cycle, ability to think clearly, attend to things, etc. I went from feeling on top of the world emotionally and physically to coping again with a chronic illness; I think that would depress the biggest optimist. So, I’m going to do my best to cut myself some slack and cut down on the negative self talk that seems to be on a loop in my head 24/7. I’m not blaming everything on the migraines, but I know that they are seriously affecting my ability to cope and address various issues in my life with any sort of success.

I had my last MRI and CSF flow study last Friday (did I mention that? See migraine brain) and I will see the neurosurgeon next Monday, the 23rd to see what he has to say. I predict he isn’t going to have much to offer. This last MRI was to see if I had developed any kind of cyst on my thoracic portion of the spinal cord; I guess they are common with people who have chiari malformation. From the report on the cervical MRI (the neck), I remember reading specifically that they didn’t see a cyst; I think they call it a “syrinx.” Anyway, as I type this I feel my neck stiffening up so I’m going to get away from the computer, take my meds and maybe just take it easy for the rest of the night

Hope you all are having an amazing week; take care xx

A Relaxing Night out in Austin

2011-05-15T11:49:00.003-05:00

Took a night off and went to see Zoe Keating in Austin yesterday. I found myself really zoning out on the drive up; just letting my mind wander with the radio off. I hadn’t felt all that great earlier in the morning, but by the time I had to leave, I was feeling better thankfully…I had really been looking forward to seeing her and she definitely didn’t disappoint!

I met a fellow str8 and we went for happy hour at Roaring Forks beforehand. I was very impressed; great food, really good service and surprisingly affordable. Wendy got the smoked salmon, which she shared with me and I selected the fried avocado (I also shared with Wendy) and drank a huckleberry margarita. Everything was delicious! The salmon just melted in your mouth and the fried avocado…I mean, doesn’t it just sound yummy? I only managed a tiny bit of salmon and one piece of avocado and even that was overdoing it; I felt stuffed by the time we left, but we had a nice walk from the restaurant up to where the concert was taking place.

It was such a beautiful day; not very hot, the slightest of breezes and just clear, sunny and gorgeous in general. We arrived at the church and were eventually allowed to go inside where we got front row seats. If you aren’t familiar with Zoe, she is a cellist that uses sampling techniques and computers to build and layer her music. It is simply amazing to see first hand, but the cello has always been one of my favorite instruments so her music kind of marries my two favorite things in music: the cello and the use of technology to build these amazingly layered pieces. At the end she treated us to an improvisational piece that was just amazing to watch and listen to; true genius.

After the hectic pace of this week, it really was nice to unwind with someone who is becoming a good friend and then lose myself in the beauty of her music. I honestly didn’t want it to be over, but when it was, we actually got to spend a bit of time with her as she answered questions about what it was like to spend a 9 hour layover with a 15 month old to how she coordinates all of her computers and equipment while playing live. When I got an opportunity to talk to her and get a picture, I mentioned that I “discovered her” several years ago when she was touring with Imogen. She laughed and mentioned how amazing it was to have worked with her. Here’s me holding out hope that maybe they’ll collaborate on something in the future. I’d love to see them tour together again.

So, batteries recharged to some extent. Working today and then heading to the pool with Shannon for a bit more recharging. Here’s hoping I can get a little sun and have some fun with her before her surgery. If I get brave I may post some pictures of our pool party later ;)

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2011-05-13T17:03:00.000-05:00

I know you guys are probably as sick of hearing me talk about my love life or lack of one now as I am of talking about it. I wanted to address something though because I have had people in my life weighing in on whether or not they think I ought to “put myself back out there” as far as dating goes.

In the past couple of days, I’ve hidden and unhidden my profile at a few dating sites as I went back and forth between thinking maybe I shouldn’t give up on dating…"you can’t expect to get any better at it if you take a sabbatical" seems to be the consensus of people in the “you should continue dating” camp. So, I unhide my profile, start looking at a few profiles, have a few guys contact me, etc and in the middle of it all..all I can think is “what am I doing?” My heart just isn’t in it. I’m not the least bit interested meeting someone new right now. It felt like a chore to sign in, sift through profile after profile or make small talk with some random guy that ultimately gets around to wanting to hook up vs. really get to know me. I found myself literally feeling almost physically ill after about half an hour of it this evening.

So, I don’t know. Maybe the whole “I’m not dating for the next year” was a bit of an overreaction, maybe it wasn’t. All I know is that right now is not the right time. I don’t know if that will change anytime soon, but right now I’m just not interested and for once, I’m just going to go with my gut.

You guys will be happy to know that, despite being in my lowest funk since my surgery, I’m continuing to exercise and get out of the house. I’ve managed to get a walk in (at least one, but often two) at least every day and I’ve done the water aerobics twice this week. I’m really enjoying the walk in the morning. Shannon has been coming to walk with me at 6am and we do a mile around the neighborhood. I think it is a longer walk than what we walk at the park, but the walk at the park is a bit more strenuous as we are walking up slopes, etc. I just know I work a lot harder when we are on the trails at the park.

I’m still kind of maintaining. I got under 300, but now I’m back at 301. I’m not worrying about it too much. It could just be water retention, building muscle or something. I’ve been watching what I eat and while I have actually had a glass of wine a few nights this week, it was just the one glass and it wasn’t every night. All in all, I’m not doing anything that would really make me gain actual weight so I’m just going to assume it is just my body being weird.

Wednesday night I went out to a meetup happy hour which was nice. Made new friends and had a really great conversation with a few people in particular. There was this adorable guy there (adorable in the sense I want to fix him up with someone, not me…he was a youngun’) named Joe that was really nice to chat with. This particular group is just a really nice group of people usually, but the FIRST thing the leader of the group asked when I got there was “Where’s your husband?” lol…Greg attended the last one with me. I just smiled and explained that he had been my bf, not my husband and that we were no longer together. It would have been SO much fun to say “Oh no, that was my boyfriend, my husband is at home with my son!”
Speaking of husband…Erik and I are going downtown to finally get the paperwork to finalize our divorce. I want to get it filed asap. Once it is filed, it will be finalized in 60 days so by the end of the summer I could be a free woman. I’ll still be living with Erik unfortunately, but we are making progress. As far as that last statement…I don’t mean it in a bad way…I’m just really ready to truly start splitting our lives apart…I just feel guilty when I think about breaking up Tanner’s household when we aren’t really having a problem living together. Oh well, that is a decision for another day. Divorce first.

Going to an outdoor concert tonight with Tanner and a meetup group and tomorrow I will be in Austin attending a Zoe Keating concert with a fellow str8 spouse. I’m looking forward to it, I love Austin! I just wish I didn’t have to work the next morning :S That is going to be fun!

Prepare to Cringe: Getting Naked...

2011-05-12T11:23:00.000-05:00

Note: No, I'm not actually getting physically naked for you all. You can thank me later. I do something even harder in today's post...expose a bit of the inner workings of my psyche...yeah I think it is even scarier than a picture of me in my birthday suit.

Hey guys, I’ve been dealing with migraine fog the last few days. I pretty much have some kind of headache 24/7. It is making exercising difficult because it seems to exacerbate the headache, but I’ve just decided to suck it up and do what I can to minimize the headache (drink plenty of water, not over exert myself, walk when it isn’t too hot, etc). Tuesday I took tanner to the pool at the YMCA and we took the water aerobic class and had a lot of fun. I really felt like I got a good workout too so I think that will become a regular thing. Unfortunately, it is raining cats and dogs here today so it will likely not happen tonight so I’m a bit bummed out about that. Hoping to at least get a walk in; if the weather is still crappy, maybe Tanner and I can just work on our Michael Jackson moves on the Kinect lol! That is always good for a laugh. I swear I’m going to have to borrow a video camera so I can share with you guys. It’s hiliarious.

I also got a bit of closure on the whole relationship thing too so that has helped. I think I can move on. Now I just need to get around to forgiving myself for even stupidly seeking out a relationship when I obviously was not ready for one. My biggest regret is that it was Greg that I had to screw things up with. At the very least, I think we would have made good friends so I almost wish I had met him under different circumstances. Meeting him on a dating site made it feel like our relationship was almost forced in that direction for some reason…I don’t know.

Anyway, I have an appointment with a therapist set up for next Friday and another one set up for the following Friday. I’m a little nervous about it, but know it is what I need to be doing. I actually spent some time talking to a good friend of mine last night. He has been one of my biggest cheerleaders through this whole weight loss journey and was the person who let me cry on his shoulder (virtually) when I was dealing with the whole gay thing coming out about Erik, etc. We were talking about what went wrong with this whole relationship adventure and why I ended up feeling like I was doing a repeat of what I went through the first time Erik and I got together. It was slightly different from that, but played out very similarly and I think that is what I was so upset about…that years later I was repeating the same behaviors. I’m only really talking about this here because I think I’m beginning to see that so much of all this is wrapped up in the weight issues, self esteem issues, etc.

The short version is this: Essentially, boy meets girl, boy shows interest in girl, girl…having only two speeds: brakes slammed to the floorboard OR overdrive, vacillates back and forth between liking the whole relationship thing and being scared to death of it. Boy eventually starts to catch on that this chick has some issues and starts to pull away, girl misinterprets this as him needing reassurance and becomes needier and clingier which of course pushes boy further and further away until boy finally runs screaming in the other direction. Sound like fun? Oh yeah, I’m sure it’s a blast for them.

Essentially, that is what happened. With Erik, I was truly and utterly in love with him when we got together so when he started pulling away (my neediness came from a different place emotionally then) I panicked and became this …sad sad sad person who couldn’t BREATHE without him 5 inches from me…uggh, painful to even remember, but that is how it was.

With this most recent relationship, I honestly thought that when he was saying he wanted to slow things down, instead of taking him at his word, I read WAY too much into things. I know this is partly just me over thinking things as usual and partly just being super inexperienced at this. So, instead of taking him at his word, I thought the following:

1. He needs reassurance (cue the excessive fawning, desire to be with him, etc)
2. Part of me actually realized last night that I thought he was maybe also using some reverse psychology because he knew I was going back and forth and scared and so I think I thought he was saying he wanted to go slow, but maybe it was just so I wouldn’t be so scared of him. I know this is absolutely ridiculous thinking, but …this is what prompted my behavior with him.

I also knew his self esteem wasn’t all that great and, wanting to prop him up a bit because I cared about him and wanted him to feel better about himself, would go overboard with the compliments. Anyway, putting it all down on “paper” I can see how I did everything, absolutely everything so freaking WRONG. You want to hear something really funny? I went back to read what I had written in my profile and I had some line that went something like this:

“I'm a nurturer, but don't worry, I'm not the smothering type. I want a man who has outside interests and pursuits. While I think it is important to spend time together, I also think it is important to have time for yourself.”

Can you say “False Advertising?” I guess that is the ME I want to be, but have a ways to go before I get there.

So back to my most recent relationship, instead of being true to myself, listening to my gut, I tried to become what I thought he wanted. I did the same thing with Erik. Why? Because I still don’t think, I don’t believe that I am enough. That Michelle, the person that I am is worthy of attention, affection, etc. I don’t believe that I deserve happiness or love because, fat aside, I don’t like who I am very much on the inside either. Trust me, it isn’t easy to be writing this down. I’m absolutely cringing inside every time I think about actually posting this blog because I feel like this is me basically standing naked in front of anyone who reads this. I don’t like feeling this damaged.

The realization that my main problem has to do with me not liking ME so much is the hardest because I can’t diet and exercise that part healthy. So where the hell does that leave me? At the beginning of a very long and painful journey…and that’s depressing; that I haven’t evolved much in the last 20 years and I’m going to be doing the work now that I should have done years ago. I'm exhausted and overwhelmed just thinking about it. I just want to skip it all and get to the good stuff. I want to be happy, I want to eventually find someone that I can love and that can love me without all this craziness. I don't want to have to work so damn hard to be happy...I just want to BE happy.

Some days are harder than others...

2011-05-10T06:59:00.001-05:00

I’m going to be honest, I’m having a hard time blogging today. I take that back…I’m not having a hard time blogging; I have four lengthy paragraphs written, but I don’t want to post what I’ve written because…I guess because right now, I’m not feeling as “ready to take on the day” as I was yesterday. I know it is to be expected and I’m not really beating myself up about it. Anybody who is dealing with a loss of some kind, no matter how small it might be in comparison to other things they’ve dealt with, understands that you are going to have moments where you are up and moments where you are knocked back down again. For the most part, I’d say I spend most of my time in a more positive mood and each day I can feel myself making gradual progress, but it is still frustrating to be blindsided now and then by renewed feelings of grief (?) no matter how short lived they might be.

I don’t want you to think this is all about the recent breakup with Greg. That is part of it I guess, but with that whole experience comes grief over the realization that I’m not quite as emotionally evolved as I thought I was. I think I’m grieving more over the fact that I wasn’t anywhere NEAR ready for a relationship with a man. It could have been any man…I don’t think I’m ready to pick the right person or cultivate a healthy relationship with the right person and I guess I thought I was further along on that path than I actually am. Ultimately, it leaves me wondering…will I ever be ready? Will I ever resolve my issues with straight men and overcome the fear I feel when they are merely expressing an interest in me? Am I doomed to continue to pick the same sort of man (gay, or at the least sexually ambiguous) because they are all I feel safe with? Will I ever overcome the beating my self esteem took being married to a gay man for all these years and be able to trust my judgement again? Sometimes I am optimistic that I will get there eventually and sometimes I feel like I will it will never happen.

I am working on getting some counseling set up with the local Archdiocese. I’m just waiting to hear back from them to see how much the visits are going to be. I think they will be able to work with me though; I’m hoping they will. Just thinking about beginning this work with a therapist is overwhelming and exhausting, but I know it has to be done. If I don’t begin to address these issues, I am positive that *something* is going to have to “give.” Either I will begin to gain the weight (my armor) back at some point, or I will transfer that addiction to something else in order to mask the issues causing me pain/frustration/etc.

I know all that may sound as if the emotional pendulum has swung the other way from the positivity of yesterday’s post. Really, it hasn’t so much. For the most part, I really am doing better. I’ve stuck to my diet and gotten in at least two walks a day (about a mile each for both) and I’m finding that I could easily get addicted to the morning walk. There is something about getting your blood pumping that early in the morning and then coming home to shower and start your day that is satisfying; perhaps it helps me start the day off feeling more relaxed?

I also haven’t had a drop to drink since Saturday evening when I went out to dinner with Tanner and Erik. I’m almost embarrassed that I can feel a sense of pride in that declaration; being proud that I’ve managed to go 2-3 days without a drink. I’m not going to lie; I miss my glass of wine at night. It helped me to relax and kind of “exhale” the stress of the day, but I’m finding that taking an evening walk is helping me de-stress and relax in a similar way. I still can’t believe that I can crave that glass of wine the way I used to crave food though. Up until this last year, I just couldn’t identify at all with whatever motivated some individuals to drink or turn to alcohol the way I turned to food.

This morning, my friend Shannon came and walked with me and it was nice just to have some time with her to talk. We went walking last night, but her daughter was with us so our conversation tends to stay pretty superficial. She’s actually going to be having her surgery next Wednesday and I’m so excited for her! She has 200 lbs to lose herself and I am excited to see her begin her own journey to greater mobility, less pain and better health. This will be an exciting year for her.

Well, I suppose I’ve managed to finish this post. I don’t like to feel like I’m editing myself or projecting a false “picture” of where I’m at, but I also don’t like feeling like I’m allowing myself to “wallow” in my problems either. Is there a difference between working through your problems and wallowing in them? At what point does it pass from constructive appraisal and reflection to something destructive? Looking back at my post Friday, I guess I feel that was more of the wallowing sort whereas today I’m truly trying to get a better understanding about where my head is at so that I can have an intelligent conversation with this therapist when I see him. With that said, I guess I’ve answered my own question.

I'm a Rock Star!

2011-05-09T08:45:00.000-05:00

I got up this morning, got dressed, made coffee, grabbed my ipod and headed for my neighborhood street. As I turned on the ipod and selected “shuffle,” the big DJ in the sky greeted me with one of my favorite Kick-ass-and-take-no-prisoners song “So What” by Pink. It was giving me permission to thumb my nose at this last weekend and get on with my life.

Then Adele came on lol…that girl is awesome, but I warn you, if you are nursing a broken heart, lock up the razor blades. Ironically, I didn’t feel the ache I thought I would when I heard her again. I’ve had an entire weekend to get some perspective and I think I’m ok with where I am right now. Every day, I’m feeling exponentially better about a number of things. I realize that may sound crazy considering the Pit of Despair I was in Friday, but with my history I think one of the traits that has gotten me through (apart from my sense of humor) is my ability to shake off the dust fairly quickly (for the most part), assess the situation and form a game plan. I’m not saying I won’t revisit some of the feelings I was going through Friday, but I think I’m slowly sorting through the last 6 months or at least beginning to.

So what is my game plan? Here are some things I’ve thought about the last few days:

1. NO MORE WINE! If I go out, I may have a drink, but no more wine will come into this house. I may not be an alcoholic right this very second, but I’m easily teetering on the ledge. Over the weekend, I found myself self-medicating with alcohol. I had a cupcake or two as well, but for the most part, alcohol was my go-to mind-numbing agent of choice…I realize it, I’m acknowledging it, I’m kicking its ass to the curb. I refuse to trade morbid obesity for life as a wino :P
2. NO MORE RELATIONSHIPS: For the next year, I will not get into any relationships. I won’t seek them out for damn sure. No more dating sites, no more flirting when the situation presents itself. Even if I happen to meet someone that seems interesting or “interested” I’m not giving myself permission to date for at least the next year. I don’t think it is any coincidence that I not only have plateaued to some degree over the last 6 months, but actually went back and forth, gaining and losing the same 7 lbs. It was like my body was trying like hell to get that armor back on. Thank god I was able to keep it in check to some extent. Today I stepped on the scale to see “300” again. I’ll be back in the 200’s by this time next week.
3. NO MORE HALF ASSED ACCOUNTABILITY: Back to logging my food and tracking my exercise and back to blogging every day (of course because I’ve added that last part, you won’t hear from me for the next month). At the very least I will get on to account for what I did or didn’t do, even if I don’t have anything worthwhile to say.

So for now, three simple rules. I checked the calendar last night and I have exactly (well almost exactly) 8 weeks until my first surgiversary. I am currently 35 lbs from hitting the 200 lb total lost mark (465-300=165 lbs lost so far). I realize it is rather lofty to attempt to lose 35 lbs in 8 weeks, especially when I discussed revisiting my demons on Friday. One might be concerned that I was planning to starve myself, but one shouldn’t be. I’m going to cut down on how much I’m eating but only because I’ve been grazing too much which is why I think I’ve plateaued for so long. I’m going back to three meals a day and when I feel like it, replacing one of those meals with a protein shake. Yesterday I managed to do this. I wanted one of those chocolate chip cookie dough cupcakes in the fridge, but I made it through the day without one so YAY me :) These are basically the guidelines my doctor gave me after the surgery so this isn’t about me punishing myself with deprivation (which was typically how the bulimic cycle would start).

I’m also going to kick up the exercise quite a bit. I got my walk in this morning and I really want to make my boot camp class tonight…geez I wish it was a bit earlier than 7pm though. I have to take Erik to work and pick him back up at 12:30 so I can have the car and then I get up at 6am for my morning walk. Here’s hoping that improving my diet will give me the energy I need to keep hauling my ass out of bed at 6 every morning.

Well, I suppose I should get to work now. I plan to be here same time tomorrow. Let’s see where I’m at by then :) And, in the words of Pink, my parting words for this past weekend are, "Ba da da da da da, ppphhhllbbb!" :P

So I'll Keep Digging

2011-05-08T17:25:00.003-05:00

Happy Mother’s Day. Tanner is currently at his weekly Yu Gi Oh tournament so I decided that I was going to take a walk after I got off work. My goal is to really step up the exercise this week. I’m hoping that it will help break this stall I’ve been holding for what seems like forever, but I’m also hoping it will help to channel some of my pent up frustrations with life lately into something positive. If nothing else, the activity will probably help with the stress and hopefully help drag me out of this funk I’m in.

I’m feeling a little bit better with each day and I have no doubt that in a few weeks I will be on my way to my usual positive self. I’m just having a rough patch and the other day it was a little difficult for me to get perspective considering everything that was going on in my head at the time. We all have those moments, but most don’t regurgitate it for mass consumption. I’m sure some are probably mortified by the things I share now and then. Honestly, sometimes I’M mortified at the things I’ve shared in this blog. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want to remove Friday’s post almost immediately after posting it, but…it is part of my journey.

Don’t get me wrong, I try to make my writing as transparent as I can, but I don’t share EVERYTHING here (believe it or not, there are things I won’t share). Sometimes I’m asked why I put some of this “out there” and I don’t know that I have an honest answer for the people who have been brave enough to ask. All I know is that in some weird way, it is therapeutic for me. The therapy doesn’t just come with the writing though, it’s wrapped up in the sharing as well, but I couldn’t really tell you why. I think I’m still trying to figure that out for myself.

I read posts like this one (please do yourself a favor and go read this immediately) and yearn to be able to offer introspection and clarity like this. I sometimes have moments where I stumble upon realizations about myself or about my journey and for that brief period, it’s worth it. Times when the words just flow from my fingertips and organize themselves into thoughts that reflect perfectly where my mind is at that very moment; as if I am channeling the Me I want to become. The Michelle who always holds her head up, looks people in the eye and speaks confidently about where she is and where she’s going; the Michelle who will be able to embrace the bulimic Michelle of her 20’s, the morbidly obese Michelle in her 30’s and the work in progress Michelle of right now.

She’s in there somewhere, I just have to keep digging. So far I think I may be halfway to her, my hands are caked in dirt and sometimes I’m so tired I just want to give up, but deep down I know I can’t. I owe it to myself, the person I am now who has come so far over the last several years deserves to break through that last bit of soil and grasp the hand of the person I’m meant to be and pull her free once and for all.

Feeling Better Today: Howz that for some crazy mood swings?

2011-05-07T20:17:00.002-05:00

Feeling much better today. Yesterday sucked big time though. Trust me, you didn’t want to be anywhere around me because I was liable to break out in tears OR bite your head off depending on what mood you found me in. I know a majority of the craziness right now is hormones, but I have a few other things on my mind too so even without the hormones I’d probably still be kind of in a funk.

Mother’s day is always bittersweet for me. I enjoy celebrating with Tanner, but I also find that I miss my mother and grandmother so much around this time of year. Yesterday I went to get my nails done and there was a mother and daughter getting a pedicure behind me. It wasn’t difficult to overhear their conversation and they were preparing for a weekend trip down to the coast going on and on about how excited they were and how they were leaving right after the pedicure; that it was important that they have matching toes for their mother/daughter weekend, etc. Of course I got to thinking about when I was younger and would accompany my mom and grandmother to the salon and sit there listening to the adult conversation while they got their nails done. I tried and tried to not lose my composure, but…hormones I guess. My poor manicurist looked at me and said “You cry? Why you cry? I hurt you?” lol. I just explained that listening to the women behind me made me miss my mom and grandma .

Anyway, and yes…I’m single again and for good this time. I’m not going into it at length, but ultimately as I’ve pointed out before, I am just not ready for a relationship right now for a myriad of reasons. My post yesterday proves that. If all it takes is a breakup to send me into a tailspin reminiscent of my bulimia years…I have some other work to do on me before I try being a “we.”

As far as Greg goes, things have just been weird since we got back together after our last breakup. I think I was trying too hard to “reassure” him that I was all in this time and it spooked him, but honestly…I think it was inevitable regardless. I did develop some feelings for him, but even now, I’m not completely sure what they were. I think he probably felt similarly. I just think we would have been much better off keeping things friendly, but oh well.

I won’t be actively looking for a replacement either. I’m still going to get out and enjoy myself and if I happen upon a nice guy, then great, but I’m definitely guarding my heart even harder the next time around. I don’t think I’ll revisit the online dating thing again either. Just not for me.

By the way, the picture above was taken tonight at dinner with Erik and Tanner. Erik surprised me with dinner at a Pericos which was nice. It isn’t too far from where we live and we had always wanted to go. We had a good time. I tried their skinny girl margarita and I swear, I think it was skinny on the tequila because it tasted like water. The food was AWESOME though. Of course, I was only able to eat a little bit of an enchilada, a few chips and a spoonful each of rice and beans. LOVE the sleeve :)

I hope all the moms out there have a wonderful day tomorrow!

Don't worry about me, I will live to blog another day...

2011-05-06T13:38:00.001-05:00

Note: this post is deeply depressing, but I do feel better after writing it. Not TONS better, but better so I suppose it was worthwhile getting it out of my system.

I’ve been staring at a blank page for the last five minutes wondering where to start or what to talk about. So much going on in my head right now and I honestly don’t know which feelings are genuine and which ones are what I’m *trying* to feel instead of what I’m actually feeling. I don’t know if that makes any sense, but if you expect clarity at any point in this post I’d suggest moving along to your next blog, because my brain is well and thoroughly scrambled at the moment.

I can’t tell if I’m nursing a broken heart or a bruised ego, all I know is I feel like crap either way and it is triggering some feelings I thought I left behind looooooong ago. The bad feelings where I beat myself up for imagining I was on my way to a better me or had a “better me” to offer anyone or anything. The part of me that says “How much more ridiculous can you possibly get Michelle?...that was a laugh…you thinking you actually were…whatever.”

Of course this negative self talk brought up demons from the past; the demons that triggered my bulimia and urged my 20-something self to starve-binge-purge-starve-binge-purge until I felt I’d been punished enough. I’m not saying I’m going to start this again, I’m just owning the fact that, for the first time in a very long time I felt that urge to punish myself, not eat…to quiet the voices of self doubt and self ridicule; as if I could absolve myself of my sins of being too *this* or too *that* but never quite enough of what really matters.

OMG, how ridiculous and melodramatic is this post lol?? Don’t worry, I’ll be ok…I think I’m just hormonal for one thing, missing my mom and grandmother and just…blah.

On a lighter note…I am planning on spending my “mother’s day” tomorrow hiking with Tanner and Erik at Guadalupe River State Park. It is supposed to be an easy hike to the river and then we will have a picnic lunch and maybe even play in the water a bit depending on how cold it is. Quite different from how I spent last mother’s day I’m sure and even though the first part of this post sounds like I have a jar of razor blades at arm’s reach, I’m still very happy with where I’m at today. For the most part…guess it is just going to take my head a bit longer than I thought to catch up with the body.

And yes, I’m seeking counseling because I obviously still have quite a few things to sort out when it comes to love, loss and life.

Long overdue update

2011-05-04T21:30:00.000-05:00

I saw my neurosurgeon this past Thursday and honestly, I wasn’t all that impressed with him. First of all, the place where I had both MRI’s (of the brain and then the second one of the cervical spine) only sent the MRI of the brain so he couldn’t even address the chiari malformation diagnosis. He basically said that he was going to need to look at the MRI of the cervical spine and have me get a third MRI of the thoracic spine so that he could make sure I didn’t have a cyst on my spinal cord which I guess can happen with chiari malformation. I’m not excited about having a third MRI considering I’m not made of money and Greg suggested going to see another neurosurgeon for a second opinion which would be a heck of a lot cheaper than a third MRI. I’m considering it, especially since this doctor just didn’t see all that great…he rushed me through the appointment and seemed bothered by the few questions I had.

I also saw my gynecologist Wednesday. We are still on the hunt for the perfect birth control product. When I developed this last migraine, one of the first things I did was take out the nuvaring I had been using. I was in my second month with it and was desperate for anything to stop the migraine. Since being diagnosed with chiari malformation, I asked my gyno whether it was the nuvaring at all and she couldn’t say one way or the other, but thought it was time for us to just discuss an IUD. She has recommended Mirena because it doesn’t use any hormones and she thinks it will help the most with preventing the uterine lining from developing (which is the main reason I need to get on something to regulate my cycle). With PCOS, you can go months without a period which means the endometrial lining just continues to build up each month because it isn’t sloughed off. This can increase your chances for uterine cancer which is why most women with PCOS need help getting regulated. Anyway, we have to see what my insurance is going to pay because apparently the device costs $800.00. I’m double insured so hopefully one will pay what the other doesn’t, but I still may have a deductible to meet. Apparently you can only have it installed while you are on your period which is pretty disgusting…I don’t exactly relish the thought of having anyone fiddling with my vajayjay while I’m menstruating but I guess they are used to it.

Speaking of being double insured…I won’t be that way for much longer. I am actively trying to get the paperwork to make my divorce final. Apparently, we can go down to the law library, pay $12.00 for the paperwork, fill it out, run around making copies, getting stuff notarized and with another $299.00 we can make it official. This is something that has been on my “to do” list since the beginning of the year. Yes, my venture into the dating world kind of got the ball rolling in my head, but we all know this divorce is WAY past due. I haven’t been married in my head or my heart since Erik and I formally split back in 2007. Even though we’ve been living together, it is nothing like a married couple only sometimes, the lines still get blurred (mostly when it comes to finances). Formalizing the divorce isn’t going to really change any of that. We still plan on living together for the time being although more and more, I’m really getting to a place where I kind of want to be on my own. Then I feel selfish for feeling that way because I know how hard it will be on Tanner if we physically split the household. As long as Erik and I can get along, I just can’t see splitting the household up to suit my needs. I realize some might feel differently, but I have to do what feels right in my heart and for now, this is the right thing for Tanner and he is my number one priority.

Migraines and my recent Diagnosis

2011-04-26T20:50:00.002-05:00

Note: No, that isn't my brain. Mine is MUCH bigger than that ;)

Ok, so a few weeks ago I developed what I thought was a migraine. I used to have horrible migraines and every once in a while would get a baby migraine (as I called it) which I could usually knock out pretty quickly with medication. Several years ago, my migraines were so bad I thought I was going to have to go on disability because I would get them two to three times a week which meant pretty much my entire week was shot.

In addition to the headaches, I would get what I called “migraine fog.” This was how I described the confusion and inability to attend to anything or concentrate on anything. I would experience this preceding and following a migraine so you can imagine when you are having 2-3 a week it pretty much becomes an a problem that takes over every aspect of your life. I really feel the migraines contributed to the slippery slope that got me to 465 lbs because it really cut back on my daily activity level and made exercising almost impossible as getting my heart rate up could trigger another migraine.

The migraine I developed a few weeks ago lasted over a week. It got so bad at one point, I was having phantom smells, vision problems, incredible pain and nausea and vomiting. I went to the hospital and spent almost an entire day curled up in one of my doctor’s examination rooms while they tried to determine what was going on with me. This was absolutely the worst migraine I had ever experienced.

The doctor sent me for an MRI of the brain which came back normal, but they noted some possible narrowing of the foramen magnum which prompted them to order a follow up MRI of my cervical spine. Here are the results of that MRI in a nutshell:

1. Note findings consistent with Chiari I Malformation with inferior deviation of the cerebellar tonsils (which I think means they may be herniating through the hole at the base of the skull).
2. They also noted degenerative disc disease throughout the cervical spine (the neck)with flattening of the thecal sac (this is a description of the situation which occurs when a herniated (slipped or prolapsed) disc has extended so far into the spinal canal that it is pushing on the thecal sac or covering of the spinal cord)
3. Bilateral neuroforaminal narrowing again, I think this is possibly referring to narrowing of the opening in the spinal vertebra the spinal cord passes through due to some of the degenerative disc disease.
4. Partially empty sella: from what I can gather from my research on the interwebs, the sella is where you find the pituitary gland. When it presents as "partially empty" this could be normal or due to abnormal pituitary function which would make sense considering I've also been diagnosed with PCOS and abnormal levels of all the pituitary hormones (FSH, LH, ACTH, etc) contribute to this syndrome.

Based on these findings, my primary doc has referred me to a neurosurgeon to get his opinion on how bad it is and how it should be treated. Honestly, I think it sounds worse than it actually is. Yes, this can be a serious condition, but it sounds like I may have a mild form of it. I really expect the surgeon to say that all we really need to do at this point is manage the symptoms. I would be very surprised if he recommended surgery, but I guess that is a possibility.

Honestly, it is such a relief to FINALLY have some answers about the years of headaches I’ve had to cope with. It may even explain to some extent why I’m so uncoordinated and accident prone. Perhaps now that we know the cause, we can do more to prevent the migraines from happening. I’ve had a couple days where I feel almost completely headache free so some of the medication must be helping.

I see the neurosurgeon this Thursday and I will update you guys on what he says. Thanks again for the support xx

What the???? and Perspective

2011-04-25T21:17:00.003-05:00

Holy cow! Stepped on the scale last night to see 307 after getting down to 296!!! I know some of it is water because I feel bloated and my hands and ankles have been swollen, but geez! It isn’t 11 lbs of water. I’m not going to live in denial…this past week, with my birthday on Thursday, I have been eating a lot of things I shouldn’t. Mainly carby things that are going to make my more hungry which means I started “grazing” instead of sticking to three meals a day…not a good combination obviously. It scares me a little bit though because honestly…quantity-wise, I wasn’t eating a lot, but when you are doing a half assed low carb diet, your body is just going to react as if you are back on the high fat diet and respond accordingly.

So, here is my gameplan:

1. Get back on my “nuts and bolts” diet. This means I’m going to be having one protein shake a day and two low carb meals. I’m going to do this at least for the next week just to “detox” from all the carbs I’ve been ingesting.
2. I’m also going to get back to logging my food intake at sparkpeople. It is the only way I can truly be aware of how many calories I’m taking in. Part of the problem over the last week is I would allow myself to think “Ok, so I’m having some nachos…I only ate three! Big deal.” The problem is, I’d be eating a little something else a few hours later. Not logging my food allowed me to deny how much food I was actually eating. Obviously, if I gained 11 lbs in a week, I was eating a lot more than I thought.
3. Now that I am feeling better (again, more to come on this later), I want to start walking again. It is starting to get hot here in Texas (I went on a walk yesterday with Greg and had a hard time keeping up).

Today went fairly well although I did manage a few more bites of birthday cake lol. One thing I’m noticing is that in the past, I would typically beat myself up over a gain like this. Especially after FINALLY getting under 300 lbs. I won’t lie, the suckage factor is at least a 9 on a scale from 1-10, but I don’t feel as if I’ve lost complete control. I am confident that I can get back on program and there isn’t this nagging fear in the back of my head that maybe this is just the beginning of the end. I KNOW it isn’t. Besides, I have some awesome clothes I got off craigslist that I want to get into pronto. I’m also enjoying my life WAY too much now to give it up for a few bites of something bad.

I’ll end this particular post with a little birthday anecdote. I basically celebrated my birthday over about three or four days. Thursday was my actual birthday so I spent it with Greg (yes, back together again lol). Just a simple evening at his place eating pizza, drinking a little vino and watching some tv while snuggling on the couch. For my gift, he had blown up one of my favorite pictures of my mom and tanner and then another recent one of tanner and I that was very similar and put them in pretty silver frames…such a thoughtful gift and exactly what I love…you can’t go wrong with picture gifts for me. We are both into photography, so he knew exactly what would melt my heart. I have both pictures on my bedside table now.

Friday, Tanner and I attended his first concert as you have already seen by my post yesterday. We had an amazing time, ate at Zushi Sushi beforehand…it was great! Music has always been such a huge part of my life and when my son lost his hearing, that was one of the things I grieved over…thinking that I wouldn’t be able to share my love of music with him and here we were having the time of our lives at his first concert. Good stuff! We were absolutely exhausted by the time we made it home, but it is one of those memories I think will last a lifetime.

Saturday, I had asked friends and family to meet us out at a local restaurant ChaCha’s for some margaritas and good texmex. At the last minute EVERYONE started canceling on me. I’m sure it had a lot to do with Easter being the next morning; I mean, who wants to go out and get plastered when they have to get up for mass the next morning lol? Other friends had emergencies come up, I completely understood. Erik even stayed home…he said he wasn’t feeling well. By then, I was just feeling pretty crappy. I had ordered this huge cake and it looked like only about 3 people would be showing up…I felt like such a loser lol! I decided to head to the restaurant without the cake and was trying to not dwell on the fact that it looked like the evening was going to be a bit of a bust.

So, as I sat at the restaurant, all by myself, for about 45 minutes lol…my best friend Shannon was running late…I started to feel worse. All of a sudden, I just stopped and said “You are NOT going to let this ruin what has been one of the most amazing birthdays of your adult life. You are healthier than you’ve been since you were in your 20’s. You had an amazing night with your boyfriend, an AMAZING night with your son and you are about to spend a great night with a few friends and eat the best damn birthday cake ever!(shannon picked it up on her way to the restaurant lol)” Not to mention I had people coming out of the woodwork on facebook to wish me a happy birthday and congratulate me on this last year. I had a heck of a lot to be thankful for.

It is all about perspective folks. When you step back to look at the big picture, you can relish in a beautiful landscape OR you can choose to focus on the few brown blades of grass in an otherwise see of green foliage. I choose to take it all in and recognize that those few blades of dying grass only make me appreciate the thriving green even more.

"Be Brave and Fight Like a Girl!" My favorite new breast cancer slogan!

2011-04-24T11:32:00.003-05:00

Friday night at the KT Tunstall concert, Tanner and I were lucky enough to stand next to Cherie Mathews, owner and founder of Healincomfort.com. A breast cancer survivor herself, Cherie designs and sells post-surgical friendly clothing for breast cancer survivors and also works hard raising awareness and promoting advocacy efforts for those affected by breast cancer (friends & family included). Tanner was completely smitten by her and talking to her in between sets kept us entertained to say the least. He was particularly impressed by her picture of herself posing with Joan Jett and a video she shared of her sister in one of The Cult's videos (her sister dated the lead singer for several years) and I appreciated the genuine interest she took in Tanner...an amazing kiddo who can often be misunderstood.

He LOVED the attention she showered on him and on the way home that night said in a somewhat disappointed voice, "We should have gotten her number so that we could see her again some time." I told him that she had given me her business card and he broke into a huge grin and said "Cool." He is such a social kid, but he has some social delays which...when coupled with communication issues...can often impede his desire to connect with other people. It warms my heart when people like Cherie take the time to get to know him and see the amazing boy I see inside him.

So, later as we talked about various things, we discovered we had a "cancer connection" (her being a breast cancer survivor and advocate and myself having worked for the American Cancer Society for almost 9 years; not to mention losing my mom to lung cancer and my grandmother to breast cancer). She gave me her card so I could look her up on facebook later and when I got home that night I checked out her website, healincomfort.com.

I instantly fell in love with the whole concept which is essentially designing and gifting specially designed post-surgical clothing for breast cancer patients. I remember flying up to help care for my grandmother after her mastectomy and how difficult it was for her to open her shirt and show me her scar and drainage tubes for the first time. I will never forget the look on her face as she looked up at me to gauge my reaction. Painted all over her face was a horrible mix of apology for the breast that was no longer there mixed with a seed of hope that I'd reassure her in some way that she hadn't changed in my eyes. Trying not to show the grief I felt for all she was going through, I looked her in the eyes while grabbing a washcloth to clean around her incision and said, "Wow, they did a great job, how does it feel?" I have no idea if those were the right words, but it broke the ice between us and I could feel her relax as I continued to bathe her and catch up on things. Losing a breast hadn't changed one thing about her in my eyes and that was what I wanted to impress upon her.

As I helped my grandfather care for her over the next week or two, I remember how frustrating it was for her to cope with the drains that often leaked and the difficulty she experienced trying to get dressed those first few weeks following surgery. I really think she was thankful to finally be done with the surgery. They had initially tried to save the breast and over a month's time kept pulling her back into the OR to get cleaner margins until they finally recommended a mastectomy. Afterwards, I really think she was ready to get on with living, but the frustration of dealing with the physical healing was a daily problem for her. I can definitely see where the clothing Cherie has designed could have made that whole process so much easier for her.

Check out her website. If you know someone facing surgery, buy them a shirt instead of flowers. If you don't know someone who needs a shirt, gift one to a breast cancer patient in your local area and provide that much needed "Spirit Jump" many patients need following surgery. If your life has been touched in some way by breast cancer, you'll want to check out her "Be Brave and Fight Like a Girl" shirts or "Support Crew" shirts (the support crew shirts can be personalized with "Team (name of breast cancer patient)"....what an awesome way for family and friends to show support!).

To Cherie: I was amazed to learn later that you and I share a birthday as well. I still struggle with not being able to see or hear from my mom and grandmother on my birthday...I don't have much family left really so many birthdays come and go without much hoopla, but I'm a big girl now..I can take it ;) I'd be lying though if I acted as if I didn't miss them when that day rolls around each year. To comfort myself, I like to think about my mom and grandma sitting up there in heaven, probably around a dining room table with a cup of coffee gossiping about all the trouble we are managing to get ourselves into and trying their best to orchestrate some good stuff for those they left behind. I hope you don't mind if I consider our serendipitous meeting at that concert a little "sign" from them that they are still around and definitely keeping tabs on those they love. I look forward to ordering a shirt from your website (can't decide which one...may have to get one of each lol) and getting to know you and your organization better. Thanks for taking your experience and channeling it into such a worthwhile effort!

To my readers: I'm sorry I've been derelict in my blogging duties, but I've had some health issues crop up in the last few weeks. I'll go into it later this week. I'll live, but have found some answers for why I've been migraining.

By the way...I stood on my feet for 5-6 hours STRAIGHT at this concert. We had an absolute blast and yeah...I ached everywhere the next day and had a migraine to boot, but I wouldn't have traded that day with Tanner for anything in the world! It was his first concert and my birthday...AWESOME SAUCE people!! Definitely could NOT have done this activity this time last year. What a difference a year makes :)

The Big Binge

2011-04-10T07:34:00.002-05:00

I feel like crap today. I’ve spent the better part of the last few days in bed. I can’t tell if this is a migraine or allergies/sinuses or what, but it has been a long time since I had a headache like this. I was thinking migraine because Thursday I experienced the mental fog I usually get pre-migraine, but it has been so long since I had one that I didn’t recognize it for what it was. I just thought that I was overly tired or something.

Friday I had to leave work early because I got to where I couldn’t focus visually and my headache was pretty bad. I slept for hours and was supposed to go for a walk with my friend Shannon and while I felt better, I didn’t want to tempt the headache fairies by getting my heart rate up so we took the dogs to the dog park instead. I ended up going to bed early because the headache came back and the next day was pretty much a repeat (leave work early, sleep most of the day and continue on that night with a headache).

I’ve had lots of people suggest Zyrtec D so I’m going to see if Erik can run to the pharmacy when he wakes up and get me some. There is some slight burning in my nose and above my right eye and even my neck feels kinked up, but that could be all the sleeping I’ve been doing. I just don’t like feeling this way for this long.

On a lighter note, I’m down to 300 this morning so we may pass into the land of the 200’s very soon. Because of the headache, I obviously haven’t been having my nightly glass of wine. I have no idea if that has anything to do with it, but it is an interesting observation.

One thing I haven’t talked about is my BIG BINGE. Yes, it happened. I mentioned it on my facebook status so if you are there, you know about it. Apparently oreo cookies can slide right through my stomach fairly quickly and, for whatever reason, a few nights ago, I sat there and ate almost a whole package of double stuffed oreos all by myself. I was under a lot of stress due to the car situation, tanner, erik, the relationship I was in, etc. As you saw in my venting post…nothing was really “working” the way it was supposed to. I guess the good thing is, I realized ( a bit late) what I was doing, closed the package and stopped. Before, I would only stop once I ran out of oreos. The next day, the package was still there, but I refrained from having any more and was right back on program.

I had purchased the oreos to make these cookies and cream cupcakes—probably one of the most requested out of all the cupcakes I make. I was in the mood to bake and wanted to make something special for Greg and his daughter since he had mentioned she was really into cupcakes…since we broke up I’ve found myself wondering if they didn’t wind up in the trash instead :(. I made the cookies and cream cupcakes and then these peanut butter cup-cakes (chocolate cake with peanut butter fudge filling, pb frosting and a reeses cup on top)..two dozen of each…yeah, I’m a glutton for punishment obviously. I did good though, I only sampled one or two over the weekend and gave away most to neighbors and friends.

So, while I’ve had plenty of temptation and plenty of stress this weekend, I haven’t experienced another binge, but I’ve also spent a good portion of the weekend in bed. I’m on the lookout for it though. I realize the urge is still there so here is hoping that awareness and commitment and the lure of the 200’s being within my grasp will keep me out of trouble.

Changes, changes and more changes

2011-04-09T09:48:00.000-05:00

I know I should be blogging more. The last several months have really seen me coming face to face with SO many of the things that have contributed to my weight gain over the years. I think that is why I’ve been trying to “distract” myself in various ways…to avoid really having to deal with these issues. That was probably fairly obvious to you guys, not so obvious to myself.

Abandoning my blog was another avoidance tactic I’ve discussed before; because it is often here where I come face to face with a lot of these issues. Avoid the blog….continue to live in lala land.

A weight update: I am at 301 today. Nope, still haven’t managed to get under 300, but I continue to walk and I’m really enjoying the activity. I hope to get our bikes soon so that will be another thing we can add to our activity list.

They found our car, but we are still waiting to hear from the insurance company about what they plan on doing with it (fixing it…it had two flat tires, but I don’t know if there was any other damage). I should know something by Monday. I honestly don’t know what we will do either way since the car is on its last leg. I’m kind of hoping that we will just be able to fix the tires and drive it until it stops and in the meantime, I’m just going to do my best to save up for a new car so that it can be replaced when the time comes.

Another problem when it comes to the car situation is I don’t want to share a car with Erik anymore. I’m really beginning to feel some resentment when it comes to our whole financial situation because he just doesn’t seem all that concerned. At least not concerned enough to get some additional work to make sure he can pay his bills each month. The last two pay periods he’s been about $200 short of what he owes me. The last pay period, he managed to borrow some money to make up the difference, this time, he’s waiting for his student loan money to come through. In the meantime, the bills still have to get paid so guess who gets to take on some more work to make sure they get paid? Luckily, my good friend Nick got me a job editing some documents that pays pretty well so hopefully, I’ll be ok this month.

Speaking of work, a friend of mine may be able to help me get a better job outside the home. She works for a college here in town and they need admissions counselors. She loves what she does and I think I would be great for the job. A lot of the programs at this particular college are medical in nature and I certainly think that I could sell someone on the value of an education. I sent in my resume and the woman who does the interviewing told Tracy several times how pleased she was with my resume. The pay will get me back making about what I was making when I was with the American Cancer Society which will mean a substantial increase in pay for me which I think we can all agree would be VERY WELCOME! Apparently her boss has been incredibly busy because I haven’t heard from her yet, so keep your fingers crossed for me.

I would love to get a job working outside the home. I really NEED to get out of this house. It is going to cause some problems with the car situation and managing Tanner though. I think Tanner will be fine, there may be a few nights where he’d have to take care of himself for a few hours until I got home; most nights I’d probably get home within an hour of him arriving home. The car situation is going to be the worst, but I’m at the point now where I think it is high time Erik started trying to figure out some of these things. I’m the one that always seems to be trying to figure out how we are going to juggle tanner, transportation, etc. I figure he can start looking up bus schedules, find a job closer to home that he can walk/ride a bike to or talk to his mom about co-signing on a car or something for him. Of course then he has to figure out how to pay for the car, but again…not my problem.

One additional update…I am now single again. It is a good thing though. I still have lots of work to do and I think it will be work best accomplished without the distraction of a relationship. One thing I don’t think I will ever do again is the internet dating thing. One thing I realized through this whole experience is I don’t NEED a significant other to be happy. I’m not looking for someone to complete me or fill some void inside me. Don’t get me wrong, if a great guy came along I wouldn’t blow him off, but I’m not necessarily seeking it out. As a matter of fact, I think I’ve officially revoked my rights to pick any future prospects for the foreseeable future. At least for now, I still don’t trust my judgment when it comes to men. Sometimes I think I’m going to have to limit my prospects to fellow Str8s lol. At least then, I can be fairly sure of myself and I think another str8 will understand where I am coming from.

I will continue to do the meetup thing because it really is so much fun! I’ve made so many new friends and I’m getting out and trying new things, going new places, etc.

Thanks to those of you who commented on my last blog. I plan on exploring some of the points Chris brought up in future blogs. She’s right, those questions are at the “meat” of the issue…that is what I have to figure out for myself so that I can truly move on with my life. *Sigh* sounds so easy…

Frustrated

2011-03-29T22:57:00.000-05:00

On a night when I am so frustrated, I literally have tears streaming down my face as I write this, I find myself feeling as if I have this tremendous ball of tangled string in my lap and the more I pull and tug trying to sort it out, the bigger mess I make. Tonight is definitely a night when I just want to pull out a pair of scissors and start cutting out the knots. I’m tired of trying to tease them apart, trying to salvage the yarn or string because…what will I do with it once I have it straightened out? Better to just save myself the trouble, cut out the knots and tie the loose ends together. Sure, I’ll butcher the tangled mess and it won’t really be usable afterwards, but at least there will be some continuity.

What does this mean? I don’t know really. I feel completely weighed down by life and circumstances right now. I feel stuck on so many levels and I seem to keep making the same bad choices over and over and over and over. At what point do you just cut your losses and move on? Is it too much to want just ONE THING in your life to be effortless? Haven’t I paid my dues? Jesus Christ, I just want to be able to fucking EXHALE for once in my damn life and I just don’t think it is ever going to happen.

Forgive me, I’m just having a melancholy moment I’m sure I’ll be over in the morning. I’ve gotten my first period in about four months so I’m sure that has something to do with it, but I’m also dealing with incredible frustration where Erik is concerned, finances, other personal issues, etc and I’m to the point where I’m just so TIRED of the same crap coming up time and time and time again, that I just want to chuck the whole darn mess and start over somewhere new where I can re-create myself; where people don’t know *this* version of me; where I don’t have to explain the gay husband, the special needs son, my weird f’d up relationship with men and how I’ll probably never be able to have a real and genuine relationship with anyone man or woman because on some very real and fundamental level, I don’t think I’m worth it.

I’m tired of feeling broken, damaged, shattered and trying to keep the pieces together with prayers and promises. God, I hate even typing that because I know it is SO not true and about as f’ing pathetic as it can get. I’m not perfect, but geez I really do try and live my life the best I can. I have a hell of a lot to offer on so many levels, so WHY can’t I embrace that and live my life accordingly?

Why is my knee jerk reaction constantly trying to figure out what I did wrong or trying to determine what MORE I need to do when I’m already stretched to the breaking point? When will I ever feel comfortable holding other people accountable when appropriate and stop trying to make excuses for their behavior?

Sometimes I find myself wanting to wear a mask like Erik did for so many years. A mask that will allow me to live “as if” my life had gone as I had dreamed it might. As if it hadn’t taken the opposite turn at every possible fork in my life’s road leading me down paths of disappointment and disillusion.

Again, I know this is just another little pity party I’m throwing for myself. I hope you don’t mind letting me just get this out of my system though because I truly feel that if I don’t, something is going to give in a very big way..

On a more positive note…I was down to 301 this morning and I’ve been walking pretty regularly the past 2-3 weeks. Tonight, I went for a walk out at a local park because I knew it would relax me after the last few days (which included lots of Tanner drama, Erik drama, and our car getting stolen…yeah…not kidding). I’m finding that this is a good outlet for me. While I sound like a basket case at the moment, trust me…I’m just having a “moment.” For the most part, despite all the crap that has been going on the last few days, I am still trying to focus on the wonderful things that are different about my life now. I enjoy looking in the mirror because I finally feel like the outside is beginning to reflect what is inside. I know this pretty much negates everything I’ve said earlier in this post, but …ultimately, I am honestly feeling more confident and valued beyond what I have to offer physically. While this post may not sound like it, I know that I am making a slow, plodding progress. Sometimes it just feels like I’m treading water though and its frustrating.

Parties and hikes and everything in between

2011-03-24T20:19:00.002-05:00

I had a great weekend. Greg and I were supposed to go hiking Friday night, but at the last minute we decided that we just wanted some quality time together lol. He sees his daughter every other weekend and he has been working a second job lately so our time together is pretty limited. We were both looking forward to the hike and have more planned for the future, but it had been quite some time since we’d really spent time together so we flaked out on the hike and had dinner at a deli and then went back to his place for a while.

He is Irish so St Patrick’s day I saw him briefly at lunch time when I surprised him with a traditional Irish meal of corned beef and cabbage/veggies that had been steeped in Guinness, some Irish cream brownies (don’t really know how traditional those are lol, but they were yummy if not a bit on the sweet side), and some Irish soda bread. What was funny is when I got there and asked him what they typically ate on St Patrick’s day (knowing he’s very proud of his heritage, etc) he said “umm, hamburgers, hot dogs?” He actually thought his mom might have made ham or something on St Patrick’s day because his dad didn’t like the corned beef. Anyway, I thought it was a pretty bland meal, but he was nice enough to act like it was edible.

Saturday night, we went to a Madhatter Wine and Cheese Party and had a lot of fun. I didn’t really know the person hosting it, but she was super nice and several people I knew from other meetup groups showed up. Greg mentioned he was a bit nervous about going since he didn’t know a soul, but all I had to do was introduce him and he could carry a conversation with anyone about anything…one thing I love about him :)

We got to sit out on her “deck” which was a 5 tiered monster that led down to her pool. The hostess mentioned that she had 2400 square feet of decking alone. Seriously a party house people! We sat out there with various others and just chatted, sampled various wines (I tried a chocolate red wine…tasted like alcoholic chocolate milk…yes, delicious) and had a great view of the super moon.

This past week has been alright. Frustrations with money predominate. Erik has missed a bunch of work and since he doesn’t have the second job, we are back in the same position with me picking up the financial slack. This means I now have to evaluate my budget (which honestly needed a bit of honing regardless) and stop doing certain things (getting my eyelashes done and possibly stop my nails and pedis) which kind of pisses me off because I haven’t done a heck of a lot for myself the last decade. We owe a huge tax bill next month and I still haven’t finished paying off our bikes. I pretty much announced to everyone that all I wanted for my birthday in April was money to put towards our bikes. The weather has been so beautiful, I’m a bit frustrated with myself that I’ve been spending money on clothes and beauty maintenance and not getting our bikes out of layaway. Oh, I also got word that I was getting a huge pay cut at my second job, so that isn’t helping things. We’ll be ok though. There are MANY areas where we can trim the budget; actually DOING it is the challenge.

I’ve also been getting out quite a bit more for walks/hikes with a friend of mine this week. Going to try to keep the momentum going. I’m tired of hovering at 305…I WANT to pass into the 200’s before the month is over. Stay tuned to see if I do it. Every time I complete a walk I have to admit that I sit in my car for a second and ponder the fact that this time last year, a 10 minute walk through CVS used to leave me so winded and red in the face that I had to take 5 minutes in my car to compose myself before I could even attempt the drive home. Now I'm doing at least a 30 minute hike, many times it is longer than this, and I feel ENERGIZED afterwards. No matter what else might be getting me down, life is still pretty.darn.good!

The tip of the iceberg

2011-03-15T19:24:00.003-05:00

I am SO behind, I wonder if I can ever catch up! Weight-wise I’m still hovering around 305 Boo! I’ll gain a few, lose a few, but haven’t gotten below 305 yet. Last Sunday, Erik, Tanner and I went for a hike at a local park and had such a good time. The weather was beautiful and it was just really nice to get out and get some fresh air. I’ll be sharing some pics of that hike and another one later this week, but I know most of you are wanting to know what happened on that date!

Well, I had a wonderful time. The play we saw was all about relationships and it was funny…several moments where we kind of looked at each other and knew the other one was thinking “uh yeah…there YOU are!” lol. Afterwards, we spent some time together and at some point, I had another minor freakout. Because we were getting in so late, I had arranged to just stay at his place, but asked him to take me home at like 3 in the morning. I felt a bit like a kid who decided she didn’t want to stay at the slumber party after all. Poor Greg. He did absolutely NOTHING to upset me, but what I’ve realized is that the second I begin to feel myself giving in…just a little bit…to how I’m feeling about him, where I see this going, etc (and NO I’m not just speaking sexually here…actually, it is the emotional intimacy that is scaring me MUCH more than the sexual intimacy at this point) I just STOP. Something inside me literally feels as if a switch has been flipped and I can no longer feel, sense, interact normally with my environment…It’s just weird.

Up until that night, I figured this was my mind telling me that I wasn’t ready for this relationship or just wasn’t…into a relationship at all so I would call things off, take my toys and go home. He has had to cope with the possibility that I was putting a terminal halt to things several times. This last one felt the most final to him…and to me as well. Even though I felt heartbroken the next day, I was more afraid of continuing to hurt him. I mean, how much crazy can a man put up with honestly? We talked later that evening (Saturday) and things ended with both of us saying our goodbyes to each other for what truly felt like the last time.

And then, the next day…true to form, he sent me one last email; not to pressure me, but to just ask if we could leave the door open…not leave things so truly and utterly DONE. We went back and forth by email; by now I was beginning to see that I wasn’t really rejecting HIM or the relationship, I was just having a difficult time allowing myself to be vulnerable with someone else. All those years of fighting off advances from older men…thinking I was building a friendship with them only to have them pull the rug out from under me with some awkward and inappropriate advance. In my marriage, giving myself completely and totally to another human being and then finding out years later that I had been in love with a mirage to some extent…again, rug pulled out from under me. Is it any wonder that when I start to feel myself falling just a wee bit more for Greg, I have this WALL go up to protect myself… It’s as if my subconscious is saying, “Oh no, I’m not falling for THAT again! We know how this ends, so let’s just save ourselves some heartache and nip it in the bud while we’re ahead”

So, we have picked up where we left off and things seem to be good for now. I think our game plan for now is to handle these “freak out” moments by giving me a few days of space to process my feelings and really evaluate where they are coming from before we make any hard and fast decisions about whether we do or don’t proceed with our relationship.

I know it sounds like we are having to work incredibly hard at making this work, but honestly…so much of US just works like a charm. Our sense of humor, the things we enjoy doing both together and apart, our love of writing, photography…the fact that we can talk endlessly and never feel as if we are running out of things to talk about or just sit quietly with each other and not a word need to be said. Our parenting perspectives and philosophies being so in line with each other…The fact that he makes me feel beautiful and cherished for the first time in my life as well as the fact that he accepts my fawning over him without making me feel like a “silly girl.” SO MUCH works effortlessly so I guess this is why we keep trying to get through the periodic rough spots that really have nothing to do with him.

So why am I telling YOU all this? When have I ever really held back lol. This is part of my weight loss journey. I believe my serious issues with weight began all those years ago when men started showing way too much interest in a young girl whose body looked years older. I will blog more about this (I promise), but I’m realizing that I am just beginning to face needing to DEAL with these feelings without food for the first time in my life. I think that is why I’m so caught off guard and overwhelmed by them when they seem to come out of nowhere; because I am no longer numbing them with food. This is an important realization because I need to make sure that I don’t start trying to numb them with something else…alcohol, drugs, whatever. I realize that this is just the tip of the iceberg in terms of what I have to deal with and I am acutely aware that I am most definitely not immune to using other vices to cope now that food is no longer a real option.

I’ve mentioned that I had started drinking a glass of wine each night which is extremely out of character for the old Michelle. The new Michelle can easily see how I could start to replace food with wine…something I NEVER thought was possible. One glass became two a few nights a week and one night when I was home for the evening, I downed a bottle and started on a second and realized I was doing what I had always had a hard time accepting about Erik when he drank. Not all the time, but frequently I’ve seen him keep drinking and drinking and drinking until there was nothing left to drink and I never understood it. Why would you want to do that to yourself? Here I was, realizing that I was doing the same thing and the next day I really thought about WHY I was doing it.

I’ve cut myself back to one glass a night and made myself an appointment to see a counselor. Unfortunately, I discovered that I had a huge deductible to meet before insurance would kick in so I’m going to try to find something through the Archdiocese or some other sliding scale program, but I am seeking professional help to help me cope with the issue of transference and cope with the feelings I’ve been stuffing down with food all these years in a healthy way. Obviously, blogging here would be a good tool, if I sat down to do it, but of course, avoiding my blog is another way of avoiding coping with these feelings. Avoidance is avoidance.

So, here is me..trying to share some of the really vulnerable bits I’ve been struggling with in the last few months. I will try to get back in the habit of doing this more regularly because we all know how obviously therapeutic it is for me.

Yikers!! Out to the theater tonight :)

2011-03-04T17:59:00.002-06:00

Hi guys, been overwhelmed with a multitude of things this week which is why I haven't blogged. Some of it I can't really talk about and the rest just required an almost marathon session of writing and I just haven't had the time. I am currently preparing for another date with my new guy; he's taking me to the theater to see a romantic comedy (this is a play, not a movie) and I'm so nervous!! I feel like I'm getting ready for the prom or something. I wanted to wear this new dress I got, but erik said I looked weird in a dress (he hasn't seen me in much more than tshirts and tshirt capri pants) so now I feel uncomfortable wearing the dress :( I will have to find an excuse to wear it though before I outgrow it. If you go to this link, I bought the black one, not the floral.

I decided to go with this top in blue and a pair of dress slacks with heels. I think I'll feel more comfortable and if there is extended walking, I think I won't be so worried about the dress flying up or something.

We are actually coming up on our 2nd month anniversary :S Sometimes it feels like so much longer and sometimes it feels like it was only yesterday. I'm much more comfortable with him and really enjoying the time we spend together. Just keep your fingers crossed for me that I ....I don't even know what to ask you to keep your fingers crossed for, but do me a favor and cross them anyway lol.

I have also scheduled an appt with a psychologist next week in hopes that I can begin to work on a ton of issues...tanner, erik, this new relationship, the weight loss (am I forgetting anything?). I hope to update tomorrow guys. Pray I don't kill myself in these heels!

2011-02-23T20:09:00.003-06:00

Whenever I start to get too big for my britches (speaking completely figuratively of course) or begin to think “Who YOU lookin’ at” when I look in the mirror, I can always count on my pedicurist/manicurist to knock me down the obligatory peg or two. Lucky for me, I subject myself to this ritual at least once a month, twice if I’m working hard.

Some of my longtime readers might remember this story, this one, and this one. As much as I truly do enjoy the place I go to get my nails done…they certainly have a very different way of expressing their opinions on my weight loss journey. Lucky for them, I have a sense of humor.

Last Friday, I scheduled a day of beauty maintenance which included a stop at Ann’s to get my nails done. I don’t know why they call it “Ann’s” because I don’t think anyone that works there is named “Ann.” The two women that work there go by “Micky” and “Ruby” but I’m pretty sure those weren’t their given names, just the names I think they chose so we wouldn’t constantly stumble over the names they were born with. I like going to this particular salon because they actually do seem interested in getting to know their customers even with a language barrier and they are really nice people. We talk about our kids and when they start talking to each other in their native language, I never worry that they are talking about how horrible my feet are or how fat my fingers are.

I was actually having a lot of conflicted emotions while I was there going back and forth in my head about this new guy I was seeing and wondering if I was doing the right thing. I was trying to put on a brave face, as if I didn’t have a care in the world, but inside I was growing more and more uneasy. We had a day planned together the next day and I was just starting to feel all this anxiety and well, you know the rest of the story. I made it through getting my nails done talking to a childhood friend, Belinda who stopped by to get her nails done around the same time. About the time my nails were done, Belinda left and I went over to get my pedicure.

Micky apparently hadn’t done my pedicure since I’d lost all this weight. She had a baby around the time I started going back and Ruby took over doing my nails. I sat down in the chair, looking forward to relaxing and enjoying the chair massage. Micky came over and pulled a foot out to start taking off the polish and smiled up at me and said, “You lose lot of weight!” Smiling in that “Oh P’shaw!” way I said “Oh yeah, that” *rolls eyes* “I’ve lost some since I saw you last I think.” *BIG SMILE acting like Scarlet O’Hara saying “What? this old thing?”* She takes my calf in her hand and says “Yeah! I remembah’ you come in first time and” *puffing her cheeks out to emphasize this next bit* “your leg was MUCH BIGGAH!” Trying not to spit out the sip of water I’d just taken, I smile awkwardly and say “Thank you???” Taking that as her queue to bestow more back handed compliments upon me, Micky gives me a bigger smile and said “Oh Yeah! Your leg much smallah’ now! Used to be BIG, MUCH BIGGER! You look bettah’ now!” Again, I take a deep breath, sigh, smile and say “Thank you :)”

So, if anybody is worried that some day I might get a big head as my body continues to shrink; FEAR NOT…the faithful employees at Ann’s will keep me well grounded!

As usual, Michelle should learn to never say "Never"

2011-02-21T11:48:00.002-06:00

I’ve sat down to write several times in the last week and have even gotten half way through a post several times only to leave it to come back to and just never got back. I think I’ve been struggling for a few reasons. First of all, whenever I say I’m NOT going to talk about something in my blog (most recently it’s been my love life), I find that it stifles the desire to write at all. Part of me feels as if it has been gagged and bound and thrown into the closet and the rest of me has to go on and act as if everything else is hunky dory and well, I’ve never been that great of a liar…ask anyone that knows me…my mom used to joke that she never had to pressure me to own up to a dishonesty because eventually, I’d just own up to it and spill my guts at her feet. My conscience has always been the size of Texas.

Anyway, I realize that there is nothing that says I have to share EVERYTHING here, but when I put these self-imposed stipulations on what I can and can’t talk about, it just seems to stifle the rest of me and anything I wind up writing sounds shallow, hollow and just dry as dirt. So, most of the writing I’ve done in the past week has found itself in the waste basket (of course they’ve actually found themselves in the Window’s recycle bin…I mean who actually rips paper out of a typewriter, crumples it up and pitches it in a waste basket anymore?)

So, I guess I’m just going to talk about whatever comes to mind and try not to edit myself too much for content and see where it gets me. Probably a novel of a post, but considering I seem to be posting once a week if I’m lucky, you guys are owed a nice long one. I’ll try to make it interesting :)

On the weight loss and exercise front, I am down to around 306-307 (YAY!), but have been pretty crappy about the exercise (BOO!). I’m super excited that I will be leaving the 300’s forever in hopefully a few weeks, but disappointed that I’ve been so lazy when it comes to the exercise. We just had some new neighbors move in next door and one of them is a young mom that seems super nice. Her kidlets are adorable as well and I was talking to her yesterday about maybe going walking with me. I may run over there later and see if she’d like to join Tanner and me.

I still want to get back on the P90 thing too. I was going fairly well (for a whole three days lol) and then got sidetracked, with work or some other convenient excuse I’m sure. I’m really starting to see my body change as the weight comes off and while I know NO amount of exercise is going to make this skin shrink up or give me the gorgeous ta-ta’s I want, it sure won’t hurt things and when I do get around to getting plastic surgery, at least I’ll have a nice firm shape to show off once everything is tightened back up. Here is one plastic surgeon.I’m evaluating. The link should take you to an article where she basically details the plastic surgery post-bariatric patients often opt for and even gives a time-line. Using her BMI calculator, I need to be around 185 lbs before we can talk about surgery. I’m going to see if I can get in to see her closer to 220 though because I have such a huge bone structure, she may want to revise when I’d be ready to start. Honestly, at 220 most people guessed me at 160. Maybe I just carry the weight well, but I also think I have the bone structure of a cro-magnon. I know I’m going to always be scarred for life, but I really don’t care at this point. I’m just looking forward to getting my body as close to what it should have been had I never put it through the yo-yo dieting of the last 35 years.

Now for the bits I’ve been avoiding…Yes, I am seeing someone at the moment. He is the writer/photographer/intellectual guy I met on one of the dating sites. You may remember that I had contacted him and one other man after closing my main account to see if they might be interested in being friends once I decided I wasn’t ready for a relationship. I heard back from both, but really only seemed to click with this particular man. We sent pages and pages of emails getting to know each other and discovering that we shared the same sense of humor, values, parenting ideology (he has a daughter about 9 days younger than Tanner), etc. We met several times as friends and the more I got to know him, the more I wanted to know. He is extremely sweet and thoughtful and unlike the few others I encountered in the online dating realm, completely respectful of my boundaries. This poor guy has had to deal with me slamming on the brakes time and time again in the last month or so as something would spook me, making me question whether I was doing the right thing in even pursuing a relationship period.

So far, it doesn’t take much to spook me apparently. I’ve already gotten the obvious questions about his sexuality out of the way and he took that like a champ assuring me that he is most definitely straight. Of course, having heard this before in my marriage and having countless other str8 spouses report the same from spouses in denial, I’m not as inclined to accept things at face value. However, I do believe him. Of course now I'm just waiting for him to admit a desire to dress up in my lingerie or perhaps as an adult baby with me playing the role as nanny. He's given me absolutely no reason to suspect something like this, but I guess I've been somewhat conditioned to expect the worst.

Despite all of this, I am finding that my hesitation and need to take things extremely slow probably have less to do with my experience in my marriage and more to do with my experiences as a young girl growing up in a body that looked years older than the girl inside.

Last night I was with him and all he did was kiss me and after a few minutes, I could feel the old need to bolt begin to build inside. I like him. I’m attracted to him (physically and otherwise) and I was enjoying the kiss; yet, all of a sudden…I just began to feel like I wanted to run and just keep running. He could sense this and just came out and asked me if I was ok. I was honest with him and explained how I was feeling and he immediately reassured me, sat back and just started talking to me. While sipping on some wine, we spent the next two or three hours just talking (about various things…not just my feelings or where we were headed, etc). Basically, we just enjoyed each other’s company, and he put no pressure on me for anything more than that. Our evening ended with a nice hug, a quick kiss and a final whispered reminder from him about how special he thought I was (yeah he’s that sweet). He seems ok with the snail’s pace our relationship seems to be moving so I’m going to try and just accept that maybe I actually found the elusive male who can control himself when he feels the outcome is worth the wait.

Who knows if this is the right time for me to be pursuing this? I am going to be looking more seriously into finalizing my divorce with Erik. Even though it is just a formality, I think it is a necessary formality; even if I wasn’t involved with someone and even though our living arrangement won’t change any time soon.

I have no idea where this is going with this other man and I’m honestly trying to not look too far into the future because that scares the hell out of me too. All I know is that I like this person for many reasons and while it may be the wrong time, I’d hate to pass on something promising because circumstances are less than ideal. Working through these issues is going to happen sooner or later and pausing things right now just means I’ll have to pick them up later; possibly with someone who won’t be as understanding or accommodating. And yes, I will be looking into finding a professional to talk to about all my “issues.” Not just in regards to my fears when it comes to men, but how that all relates to my weight issues because…duh! Doesn’t take a psychologist to see the connection there does it?

Half Way to Goal, Dropping Out and other changes

2011-02-09T19:59:00.002-06:00

Hi guys, yes I have been very absent, but I have been very overwhelmed as well. I think I just decided to withdraw from school for the time being. I’m not so mad or disappointed about that, I just hate that it was an expensive lesson for me to learn. I’ve been so overwhelmed trying to work the same amount of hours (because Erik quit his day job) AND study AND be a mom AND …have a social life to some degree and it just isn’t working. Right now we don’t have a penny until Erik gets paid Friday and I know his check is going to be pretty paltry because he’s had to miss a few days when I had my lab along with some other days when Tanner was just having a bad day.

That’s the other issue…Tanner hasn’t adjusted all that well to all the change since we started school. All the days Erik has had to stay home, our evening routine disturbed because I’m always studying now. Both of us short of temper because we are both spread too thin (some of us more than others), etc. He’s had some outbursts at school that we haven’t seen in a while and his attitude at home has kind of started to suck as well. Yesterday though he cracked me up… I was on the phone with a friend and he was in his room playing his wii when his dad made his nightly phone call to touch base with him and say goodnight. Tanner missed the call, but was apparently VERY annoyed that Erik was calling. The next thing I know I hear Tanner saying:

“Dad! I was playing my game and you were CALLING and FREAKING DISTURBING ME! …ok I love you goodbye”

The first part was said in the snottiest voice I’ve ever heard him use and the final statement “ok I love you goodbye” as if the former hadn’t happened at all LOL. While I’m reaming Tanner a new one and insisting that he turn the game off and call his dad to apologize, I get the following text from Erik:

“Omg, I have to play Tans voicemail for you. Kid cracks me up!”

Apparently he thought Tanner was joking, but even when he found out he wasn’t, he still thought it was funny. Not to Tanner’s face of course, but behind his back, we played the voicemail a few times and got a good laugh out of it. Like I said in my facebook status: “Sometimes you have to laugh so they can make it to the ripe old age of 18.”

One thing that happened in the last week is that I hit my HALF WAY TO GOAL MARK!! I hit 312 last Friday and I’ve been hovering there ever since! I have been exercising more and stared P90, but that has been off and on as well, often taking a backseat to my studies. I definitely plan to get back with the program if I do decide to drop my classes (which has all pretty much been decided at this point). I can’t believe I have 12 more pounds to lose to get under 300 lbs for the first time since Tanner was born back in 1995. As a matter of fact, 312 was the weight I was at WHEN I entered the hospital to have Tanner, so this is a milestone in more ways than one really. I remembered when I was between 440 and 465 thinking it was ridiculous that I fantasized about weighing what I weighed when I was pregnant. I mean, who does that?

Other than being extremely stressed out, I’ve been feeling great. I’ve been getting out and actually had a lovely evening out for dinner Friday night ;) And that’s all I’m going to say about that!

Thanks for hanging in there with me even though I’ve been horrible about updating as of late. I would imagine that will change. I’ve been sorting through a LOT in my head the last week or so and I expect to do quite a bit of my typical “blogging it out” over the next week.

Overwhelmed Blogger reporting for duty SIR!

2011-01-30T21:37:00.004-06:00

Yes, still smiling :) I apologize, but this first week of school has taken a lot of my concentration, energy and brain power. Chemistry is going to be a challenge for me. I’ve pretty much cracked the books open as soon as I finish work, but in addition to my day job, Im still working between 15-30 hours a week at my other job. Something is going to have to give, because I haven’t even started looking at my sociology work :S

I’m still hovering between 315 and 317, but this week I’m starting P90. Erik and I just watched the first workout and while I think it is definitely going to be a challenge, I think that I can adapt the moves and get a decent workout. When I was doing my boot camp workouts at the gym, I did the most ridiculous adaptations compared to what everyone else in the class was doing, but I left there feeling just as wiped as the rest of them and I was definitely stronger by the end of the three months. I’m probably going to have Erik take some pictures of me, but honestly guys…I don’t know if I’m going to be brave enough to post them here just yet. I’m talking biggest loser style jog bra and biking shorts pics that won’t hide a thing and yeah…I just don’t know that I’m quite that brave.

I’m looking forward to getting started on the workout though. It seems like every time I’ve tried to get going, I’d wind up with an injury or back in the hospital so I’m going to work out as hard as I can, but I’m definitely going to be smart about it so that I can continue. I will do my best to report in as often as I can as well.

This week, I’m going to make a few changes to my diet as well. I’m going to add in a protein shake because if I’m going to be doing more activity, I’m going to need the protein to help build the muscle. I haven’t decided whether the shake will replace a meal or in addition to the meals I eat. I may just see how I feel. To begin with, I think it may be in addition to what I’ve been eating.

I’m also going to cut out the nightly glass of wine I started having. I’ve never been much of a drinker, but in the last few weeks, I got into the habit of having one glass of wine as I was finishing up my work on the night shift. I know one glass of wine isn’t horrible, but I just don’t like having anything in my life at this time that is habitual. I’m also somewhat worried about transference or whatever they call it when a former food addict has surgery and winds up replacing food with alcohol or sex or shopping…whatever fills that void. Apart from worrying about the psychological implications of a new behavior, I am beginning to wonder if that one glass of wine is causing my weight loss to slow down. I guess we will see what happens when I stop it.

On the social scene, I’m continuing to get out and about whenever I can. I went to a wine social Friday with one of the meetup groups I joined and it was fun. There really is such an amazing group of people that go to these things. I found myself at one point in a conversation with an FBI agent and a former race car driver; really fascinating and interesting people. Despite this, I found myself mid-evening questioning whether I was really enjoying myself. I enjoyed getting dressed up and out of the house for sure, but I think I’d enjoy more outings like the dinners, etc where you can interact more. This honestly felt more like going to a club. The music was loud, people were standing everywhere, you really couldn’t carry on a conversation, etc. I mean, what is the point of having all these interesting people to talk to if you can’t hear each other over the music right? I was never really much into clubbing as a younger adult (I was typically the den mother/designated driver) and I guess not much has changed in the last 20 years. I am, however dying to go to this lecture tomorrow, but I just don’t know if I’m going to make it. Erik has to work and I think Tanner would be bored stiff. Well part of me thinks he might actually enjoy some of it, but I’m guessing it is going to be super “talky” and he’d probably get lost trying to follow along. I checked into getting an interpreter which they were more than happy to provide, but I wound up nixing the idea because I thought I could just leave Tanner at home while I went so I don't want to call them back at the last minute to change my mind. Guess I'll wait and see tomorrow, I probably need to study anyway.

I’ve also been enjoying new friendships I’ve formed and getting out with one person in particular. I’ve decided that I’m going to remain somewhat quiet about this aspect of my life since my whole situation is somewhat complicated. Out of respect for my son, I won’t be discussing much more on the subject of dating, etc. Just know that I am definitely not actively pursuing new prospects at the moment, but I have developed a friendship with someone and am interested in seeing where it might go. Erik is fully informed and while somewhat protective of me, is supportive.

So! There you have it…my week in a nutshell. I plan on elaborating on my last lab experience later in the week. It went well, but I swear, I almost died lol. All I have to say is the prof is getting a strongly worded email suggesting that we take the thermostat down a notch for our next lab.

As a closer, I’m interested in learning if any of you guys have done the P90 program. This isn’t the P90X people, just the P90…baby steps, baby steps.

Never Give Up: 150 lbs. gone forever

2011-01-23T20:06:00.006-06:00

Friday, I officially hit 100 lbs lost since my surgery on June 29th! As of today I’m at 102 lbs, but I think a bit of it might be water as I took a diuretic the other day so we’ll see how I stabilize over the next few days. To commemorate this amazing event, I thought I would upload some pictures that I took last night before going out and contrast them with some pictures I believe are somewhere on my blog, but forgotten about. I am guessing that these pictures show me at my top weight of 465. I “discovered” them again on my photobucket account and was truly taken aback.

Here's one more collection that must have been taken around the same time:

And at 417
I called Erik in to look at them and even HE was amazed. He said he never remembered me being that big either. It looks painful to be that fat! I mean, obviously it was painful in more ways than one, but it just looks like every single part of me should be hurting; I’m straining at the seams of what nature intended for our bodies. I still can’t believe the comparison though. I’m including pictures at 465, pictures that were taken the day of my surgery at 417 and pictures from today that show me at 315. Such an amazing transformation.

And 150 lbs lighter

Picture below is Me between 230/250. I realize you can't see my body much, but you kind of get the idea:
65 more lbs and I will be at the weight I was in the last picture (or close to it). It is amazing to think I could be in this body by this summer. I don’t know, maybe mid-summer is more realistic, but I really think I could be there by the end of the summer for sure. Just as I couldn’t imagine being in my current body last June, I can’t imagine being close to the body below by this June. Unbelievable.

To those of you who read my blog and may be where I was at just half a year ago: Don’t give up. Even if every day feels like you are starting a new diet because you only managed to make it through breakfast or lunch on yesterday's diet before giving in and eating something you shouldn't. I'm proof that the only way you truly fail is if you stop trying. NEVER GIVE UP xxx

Can a person smile too much?

2011-01-22T20:30:00.003-06:00

Should I be worried that I’m so freaking happy lately? Like the last several months, I feel just elated much of the time. I mean, I have my moments for sure, this isn’t perpetual, but …I’m generally happy a lot now  I went to my first Chem lab this past Thursday and had to walk a good distance from where I parked to where the building was. On my way over I was thinking “What if I can’t do it? What if I’m huffing and puffing by the time I get there?” Guess what? I wasn’t breathing hard, I hadn’t broken a sweat (it was FREEZING cold so no surprise there). I felt like a normal person by the time I got to the building.

We had to meet our professor in a classroom before heading up to the lab and I spent some time talking to some students outside as we waited for him to arrive. No worries about whether anyone was looking at me wondering what the circus freak was doing there…I didn’t even think about it until later; that I hadn’t been bothered about what anyone might have been thinking about me. I had Erik take a joke picture of me on my “first day of school” that I was going to share on the blog, but uggh, it was ugly lol so I chickened out so I guess I was worrying about what you guys would think.

When the professor got there, we walked in the classroom to see desks with the chairs attached; horrors! I was sure I wasn’t going to fit. I debated walking to the very back so that if I had trouble nobody would see, but for whatever reason I just bit the bullet and sat in one of the front desks and guess what? I fit. Granted, it was a somewhat snug fit, but not uncomfortable at all. I grinned like a stupid Cheshire through the whole class. I seriously had to remind myself to STOP SMILING LIKE A LOON! I’m sure the professor is bringing mace with him next time, I probably freaked him out.

I couldn’t help it though. I sat there, after walking across part of the campus, standing outside the room for half an hour talking to students and then sitting in the desk thinking “I am at school! I am doing this! I am living my life again” and that silly smile would pop back up on my face. I was giddy, it was ridiculous, but I tried to act as normal as I possibly could ;) I don’t think anyone caught on that I was on the verge of breaking into song and doing a little impromptu tap dance on the professor’s desk. I hide it well apparently.

How cute is this though? Before I leave, Erik gives me a 10 minute lecture on safety. He wants me to park in the parking garage and walk to the building and then walk back so I’m sure I know the way. When I’m walking, I need to be aware of my surroundings at all times. If possible, walk back with another student. Then he breaks out this flashlight thing on his keyring and illustrates that it is also a rape whistle. I mean, he actually puts the thing to his lips and blows it for me to demonstrate proper usage. I was also instructed that I was to call him when I was on my way to my car and then again after I got to the car and was on my way home. I’m surprised he didn’t teach me a few self defense moves while he was at it bless his heart. If he could have driven me, he probably would have. I just smiled my ever present goofy smile and said “Aww, are you worried about me?” He was a little put off that I wasn’t taking his lecture seriously lol *puts serious face on* “yes sir!”

Nahh, I’m not going to worry about being too happy. I have many reasons to smile these days.

Bloggie Award Love

2011-01-18T09:51:00.003-06:00

I am usually horrible about following up on awards that have been given to me. It really is disgraceful too because it is such an honor to have a fellow blogger recognize you in this way. This year, I’m going to be much better about posting my awards and doing the follow up :) Please go check out some of my new favorites!

Dancing Toward Myself honored me with this particular award and here are some of my favorite or recently discovered blogs. Please note that some may not be entirely devoted to weight loss:

The Great Gastrectomy
Fat, Angry Blog
Gracie Gone Wild
Bariatric Foodie
1 Girl, 1 Dress, 1 Year
Beautiful Compulsive Mama
Mandatory Blog Here
He took MY last name

For those of you who are mentioned above, please do the following:

Link back to the person who gave you the award; share 7 things about yourself; award this to 15 recently discovered bloggers (or as many as you can)

Ok, now for 7 things I can share about myself. After blogging for three years, it is going to be a challenge to come up with 7 things you guys don’t already know lol.

1. I took ballet as a little girl. It was only for a few years and I was scared to death every time I had a recital, but I always loved getting dressed up in our costumes. Getting me on stage was another matter.
2. I went through a punk rock period in high school. I had some god awful combination of a mullet/Mohawk kind of thing with the sides cut close and dark while the hair down the middle was super blonde. I also had a long dark tail that was probably about 7-8” long. Lord…can’t believe I’m admitting this.
3. I met Captain Kangaroo when I was 18. He was actually one of several “celebrities” I met when I won a scholarship through Sea World. They opened the San Antonio park the year I graduated and held a scholarship competition as part of the lead up to their grand opening. I was one of 10 in the city who won. Roger Staubach presented my award to me on stage (we had this huge awards ceremony) and he was the absolute NICEST guy! You would have thought that I was the celebrity. I didn’t know it, but my family had shared some information about me along with a lot of poetry I’d written in high school and he went on and on and on about how impressed he was, etc.
4. I changed my major at least 5 times before deciding on communication disorders. My first major was marine biology, then I decided I wanted to go into audio engineering, then it was psychology, then pre-med and finally…communication disorders. It took me 7 years to graduate for this reason and then I didn’t even do anything with my degree lol.
5. As a teenager (before my punk phase) I was completely obsessed with Billy Squier (http://www.billysquier.com/)! When I was 14, I won a contest where I got to go on stage and accept an ovation guitar of “his” and then go backstage afterwards to meet him. He was also incredibly nice. I took every possible thing I owned and he took his time signing everything even though he was probably exhausted after the performance. I have a picture of the two of us together somewhere. If I ever find it, I’ll add it here.
6. If I had to pick a favorite gem stone, it would probably be a sapphire. My mother and grandmother are probably turning over in their graves that I didn’t say “diamonds,” but I’ve always loved sapphires. Emeralds run a close second. Kind of odd because red is probably my favorite color, but I’m not a big fan of rubies.
7. My favorite flowers are stargazer lilies. I love their dramatic color and their amazing fragrance and will often buy some for the house just because. Tanner and Erik often surprise me with a bouquet as well just because they are super awesome!

More thoughts on dating

2011-01-17T11:52:00.000-06:00

I mentioned that I took down all the profiles I had put up on various dating sites for the time being, but there were three men I had stayed in touch with. The first was the guy I went out with in my post a few weeks ago. I had explained that I was interested in friendship and if that was ok with him, I thought we had a lot in common and would love to stay friends. (this is the guy I actually went out with, not the crazy one that started talking marriage and children before the first date)

The other two men were very interesting and intelligent men that I also seemed to share a lot in common with. I contacted both, explained that I had changed my mind about dating at this time, but would love to stay friends if they were interested. Both seemed open to that as well. I communicated with one for a bit, but he hasn’t replied since my last email so I’m assuming he is busy or maybe not interested in a friendship.

I’ve continued emailing the other man and we seem to get along great so far. We share a lot of the same interests and activities (He’s a writer and loves photography) and while I’ve been much more careful about sharing my personal info, I think we will ultimately probably get together for coffee or something at some point. He seems very intelligent and has been a perfect gentleman up to this point which is a nice change of pace considering my brief experiment in the online dating world.

Speaking of horror stories…the first guy kind of morphed into a not so great story. I feel kind of bad about it though because I feel as if I led him on out of sheer naiveté. I took him at his word that we were friends so when he started joking/flirting, etc I thought it was just kind of a running joke between us and played along. Like I told Erik later…I flirt with my girlfriends! I flirt with old men. I flirt with cute little babies. I’m a HUGE flirt period and I guess I don’t realize that most straight men aren’t going to laugh it up and take with a grain of salt…they are going to take it seriously. I honestly thought this guy had no attraction to me whatsoever or I would have never joked around with him about some of it, but he was a funny guy and I have the same sense of humor so…as usual, got myself into a bit of a situation here. I won’t go into details because overall, I think this was a decent guy, just lonely and based on my behavior; he assumed I was open to more than friendship despite what I had said initially. Sadly, what happened will probably mean we can’t continue as friends as it would be too awkward.

I felt horrible about it all yesterday. Erik even sat down with me because he KNOWS me. He knows my history, all the attention I got from older men as a young girl and how it has shaped how I relate to men now. I told him that this situation made me feel exactly how I did when, at 9 years old, the nice old man I had befriended invited me over and discouraged me from bringing my mom so he could “love me up.” It was exactly the same way I felt at 13 when the man I used to see every day throwing my paper route invited me over for dinner that following weekend. It was exactly how I felt when any friendship with the opposite sex took an obvious and all too abrupt turn down a road I wasn’t ready to travel. I’m sure that is why I ended up with Erik…because he let me set the pace. I was the assertive one in the relationship. Erik even said, he is very uncomfortable initiating things whether it is conversation or otherwise, so that probably made me feel more comfortable. That, and the fact that we were friends two years before it ever went beyond friendship.

Incidentally, Erik was really sweet about the whole thing. I made a comment like “Geez Erik, seriously…even at this weight, why in the world would a guy be chomping at the bit to hop in to bed with me anyway??” Erik’s answer: “Because you are beautiful Michelle. You are beautiful and you have this personality and energy that is just…there is just something about you so you shouldn’t be surprised and when men show an interest in you, you shouldn’t blow it off thinking they don’t mean it and are just trying to be nice.” (which is what I guess I did with this other guy). He also said I needed to get over worrying about “hurting someone’s feelings” and that with men I needed to be very direct and to the point because if I beat around the bush and left an opening at all, they are going to think I am open to whatever they are offering.

Ok blog buddies. Lesson learned. I obviously still have some learning to do about men and I’m obviously not ready to date right now. I don’t think it is a coincidence that most of my weight started coming on around the age I started getting all this unwanted attention and I certainly don’t want to subconsciously sabotage myself by re-creating those scenarios in my adult life right now.

I obviously still have issues to work through when it comes to men and my relationships with men. I’m sure I will get there eventually, but right now I’m going to stay focused on my weight loss/health and possibly start some counseling to sort through some of these issues so that when I do reach my goal, they don’t trigger a relapse.

For now, can you guys tell me something? In your dating experience, do straight men all act like a bunch of horndogs in heat? Are there any men who can control themselves and actually try to build on a relationship with a woman and respect her boundaries or all they ALL going to try to get what they can if they think there is the slightest possibility? Otherwise, I’m beginning to feel like I must be walking around with EASY tattooed across my forehead which would of course be false advertising in my case lol. Maybe because I’m overweight they think I’m desperate?

What I did for New Year's Eve

2011-01-15T11:53:00.002-06:00

I'm obviously trying to play catch up. I've been meaning to post these pics to my blog, but kept procrastinating as usual. We spent the evening at a friend's where we enjoyed dinner, played Tanner's new Rock Star Life board game, a bit of Michael Jackson Wii and later popped a few firecrackers/sparklers.

I realize the pictures I’m about to share are not the most flattering in the world. I’m doing my best to follow along with the new Michael Jackson Wii game, but I am a girl with no rhythm and no dance skillz to speak of so let’s just say…I wasn’t a high scorer.

At times, it is still hard to look at pictures because I still see the double chin, the rolls here and there. I still see parts of my body that will probably never be the same even after a date with a killer plastic surgeon. So yes, for a second, I might cringe and contemplate deleting the picture in favor of one that manages to hide those extra bits of flesh that make an appearance more often than not, but then I get caught up in what I’m doing in these pictures.

Am I sitting on the sidelines watching everyone else have fun; living vicariously through them and wishing I could join in the fun? Obviously, that is a big fat NO. I am the one standing up and jockeying for a turn, selecting the song (Don’t stop till you get enough for those that care…btw…it is a LONG ASS SONG so if you are a beginner, I would suggest a different selection) and yes, that is me doing my best to bust a move mindless of the cameras, friends and family watching me and laughing themselves silly. If it looks like I was having a blast it’s because I WAS!

Strike a pose!

Phat, Phorty, and Phunky!

Obviously this choreography was MUCH too complex for my meager dance skillz

My friend Shannon said all I need is the pole and I'd be ready to make some money!

It says it all doesn't it?

And just to show off all the great work Tanner has been doing on his own weight loss. The first picture was taken a year or so ago. He's definitely grown quite a few inches, but he's also dropped about 15-20 lbs. Lookin' good isn't he?

That was how we spent New Year’s Eve. It’s going to be an awesome year guys :)!!

To date or not to date....

2011-01-10T21:44:00.003-06:00

Hey all, no I haven’t been in the hospital and I’m sorry for being so late in updating, but I’ve been busy working as usual. When I wasn’t working, I was getting to know a man I met on one of the dating sites I’ve been trying out. Initially, he seemed great! He had a degree in finance, worked in real estate, seemed to have a good head on his shoulders and we appeared to have a lot in common. Over the week, we progressed from emails to talking on the phone which progressed to making an actual date that was supposed to take place this past Saturday. One of the things I thought was wonderful was that he was a past marathon athlete that had let himself go a bit and was trying to get healthier; yet another thing we had in common. We talked about possibly training together and while I am miles away from anything like a marathon, it was kind of exciting to find someone that I shared so much in common with, especially this aspect. To make a long story short, by the end of the week I started getting this *feeling* that things just weren’t right. He just seemed to be “falling” a heck of a lot faster than I was. I mean, yeah I had butterflies for the first time in a long time, but I wasn’t picking out china patterns just yet.

By Friday, I seriously felt like he bought a ring and was going to propose marriage on our first date :S Saturday morning, I followed my gut and just called the date off. I don’t regret it at all, especially since afterwards, we had one more conversation that only solidified my sense that he wasn’t quite as level-headed as I initially presumed. Yes, it was disappointing, but not anything that really got me down too much. I was proud of myself for going with my gut and canceling the date despite having spent most of the week looking forward to it, but by Saturday morning, most of what I had been looking forward to seemed an illusion. I’ve had enough experience living with an illusion, I’m not going to settle for anything less than the real thing next time.

Over the last week, I realized a few things. One, I really am not ready to date anyone right now. First of all, Erik and I are still married and while it really is in name only, I feel that any man I might meet would have to be told this (in addition to our living arrangement) and really…what man would honestly understand the whole arrangement? At some point, they would probably expect me to move out, etc and I wasn’t willing to do that to Tanner just for the sake of my love life.

Also, I kind of put myself in the shoes of any man I might meet and who could really respect a woman who was dating while still legally married AND living with her husband no matter what the circumstances might be? They might think they understood how it was different, but somewhere deep down, I think it would affect their overall opinion of me. At the very least, the really decent guys wouldn’t want to get caught up in it and that is what I want…the decent ones!

I also thought about everything else I’m going to have going on this Spring. In addition to working full time, caring for Tanner and going to school, when exactly am I going to have time to do much of anything else much less gallivant around or try to cultivate a relationship with someone? I’m just not willing to sub-divide my time with Tanner for anyone. The occasional outing is one thing, but a steady relationship is another.

I also just didn’t feel right about it morally. No, Erik and I aren’t really married in our hearts anymore and it really is all over but signing the papers, but nevertheless, we ARE still married in the eyes of church and state and until that is taken care of, I don’t think it is right for me to be entertaining the idea of dating. At the very least, I have to think about what Tanner would think if I had to discuss it with him at some point.

Finally, I think I realized that what I was wanting was to expand my social circle more than a need for a boyfriend/partner/whatever. I just want to get out of this house now! I want to get dressed and put makeup on and enter a room feeling confident and beautiful for the first time in a long time. I want to talk to other human beings face to face and let the memory of me confined to my home become a distant memory. I can do this without match.com or eharmony or the hassle and complications of a relationship right now. I’m kind of enjoying being “on my own” and having my own time to figure out who I am and where I’m going. I’m going to take a bit more time to enjoy THIS I think.

Don’t get me wrong though…if Brad Pitt shows up on my doorstep with a ring, I’ll be on the phone to the nearest divorce attorney. I’m not crazy.

First Date: YES! It happened lol.

2011-01-02T19:52:00.001-06:00

Well, I had my first date since forever last night. It was with a nice guy named John and yes, we met on a dating site. It was a bit strange because I talked to Erik about it of course. Initially, Erik seemed kind of strange, but I think he just had to get used to the idea. I think he may have just been a bit worried for my safety maybe? I have no illusions that he is having second thoughts about our marriage and staying together, but he seemed a bit...I don't know...weirded out initially.

Anyway, we have been talking back and forth via email and text and he seems like a nice guy, he’s funny, educated, etc so we figured “Why not? If nothing else we make a new friend.” So, we met up last night at a place near where I live…it is kind of a bar, but a cool kind of hangout place, people go to drink the beer they brew onsite, etc. I had never been, but am looking forward to going back again.

I was strangely not all that nervous; not as nervous as I thought I might be going on a date after 16 years of marriage lol. I enjoyed getting ready and a friend came over to give me her opinion on what to wear. I ultimately settled on a cute black top that had kind of a band of beading under the breast and along the bottom of the top, a pair of jean capri’s and a cute pair of black peep toe shoes to show off my fresh pedicure ;) When I arrived I was pleasantly surprised to see he was better looking than his pictures. Not that he looked bad in his profile pics, but he was dressed nicely and came up and gave me a big hug. We found a table and ordered a few appetizers, a few drinks and sat and talked about 3 hours straight.

We really have an amazing amount of things in common: we both love music and live music events, we both have gone to college and he even has a masters. At some point, he considered going into a pharmD program, but has seriously considered going back to school to get his license as a physician’s assistant (both things I’ve considered). We both have a very similar sense of humor as well which is nice because I love to laugh. He also is a very active dad which I like. He has one child in high school and two in middle school (twins). Believe it or not, we’ve discussed the unusual circumstances of my “marriage,” the fact that I’m still married on paper and it doesn’t seem to bother him (at least outwardly). About the only thing that was kind of a turn off was the fact that he seems to be kind of a homebody like Erik. I’d really like to find someone who enjoys getting out more, living more of an active lifestyle, etc.

Anyway, when it was over, he walked me to my car, gave me another hug and even texted me later when he got home to say what a good time he’d had. There is talk of a “next time” so we’ll see what happens.

At this point, I’m not sure what I do. Do I call him or wait for him to call me? I don’t want to play games, but I also don’t want to make some dating error lol. Remember, I’m pretty much a novice when it comes to this kind of thing. I definitely am not all that interested in anything serious right now; I think I’ve decided that once and for all, but it is kind of fun to get out with someone so I may keep my options open when it comes to dating.

Happy New Year!

2010-12-31T17:43:00.003-06:00

I'm headed out to celebrate with some friends and had Erik snap some pictures for my 6 month surgiversary! I'm feeling absolutely amazing and hopeful and SO ready to tackle 2011. Thanks to EVERYONE who has supported me and continued to read my blog. You guys will never really understand what your support has meant to me. I hope every one of you has an amazing new year and great things to come your way in 2011!

Christmas and Dating and pseudo-Anniversaries aside...

2010-12-29T10:25:00.002-06:00

Ok, so the holidays I went a little nuts. I’m up about 5 lbs, but honestly I don’t really know how I gained that much because although I did indulge more, it wasn’t anything nearly as bad as what I have done in the past. I wasn’t eating all day long, but I did have more than my fair share of cookies and other carbs over 3-4 days. As of yesterday though, I am back on track which is a feat in and of itself.

In the past, anytime I’ve gone off a low carb diet for a few days, it has been incredibly difficult to get back on the wagon. Usually, it doesn’t happen until I had gained a substantial amount of weight (at least another 20 lbs) and had been off a diet for several months. So far, it hasn’t been that difficult to get back on program which is really encouraging to me. I’m currently at 328 and have been sitting there a few days. We’ll see how I do at next week’s weigh in.

Christmas went great by the way. Tanner and I went and put money down on his bike and I got some money from my SIL and MIL that I’m going to go put down on my bike. After I pay tuition and get my books, I’m going to see how much I have left to play with next month and hopefully make another payment on both bikes. I can’t wait until we can get out on them together for the first time!

I’ve also been playing around with some dating sites. I honestly don’t know why. I think I’m just curious about what is out there, but I don’t really think I’m all that serious about dating anyone just yet. I mean, I’m getting ready to start school and to top it all off, Erik and I aren’t formally divorced yet so that is kind of a kink in things. I've also always felt pretty strongly about getting involved with anyone before Tanner turns 18. I just feel like anything else is only going to eat into any time I should be setting aside for him, but part of me would like to get out once in a while.

I’ve joined a few meetup groups and I think that may be more my cup of tea. You can join groups and meet people with similar interests, not necessarily for dating, but for friendship, etc. I think I’m really just interested in expanding my social circle now that I can actually get out and do stuff again. The few dating sites I joined haven’t yielded the best results (guys typically looking for a hookup or just not what I’m looking for intellectually, etc.) So, I think I’ve just decided to try a few of these meetup groups now and then (when I have the time between Tanner, school and work lol) and enjoy my freedom for now.

I have no idea when Erik and I are actually going to formalize things. At this point, until we really decide to get separate households or start dating someone seriously I don’t think either of us feels the need to pursue a formal divorce. It will happen eventually though; no chance of us working this out for obvious reasons.

Incidentally, our 16th anniversary is this Friday although I think we both stopped counting three years ago when it was obvious our marriage was over. On some level, it still makes me a bit sad, but I’m not sure why. Maybe the impending “anniversary” is what has prompted my recent interest in dating? I would think it probably has something to do with it. I think part of me will always be sad that things couldn’t be different for us. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not “pining” for him and I definitely wouldn’t want that sort of relationship with him now, but I guess part of me (the part that meant my vows) feels cheated that there was really nothing I could have ever done to try to make our marriage work. It just really never should have been.

Part of me also wonders how in the world I’m ever going to explain it all to my next “love interest” if there ever is a next one. I just kind of feel like I was forced to carry all this baggage into my new life and most people are going to see it as a lot of drama they’d rather do without. Oh well, I’ll just cross that bridge when I come to it.

All in all, I’m in a very good place. I’m loving getting up every morning and I’m enjoying wondering what this next year will bring. I’m nervous about starting school again, but excited about the challenge and about where I might be next year. I have lots of plans and goals and a future to look forward to!

Christmas Cookie Hell...hell...hell...hell

2010-12-21T19:18:00.004-06:00

They are going to be the death of me people. We decided we were going to do a bit of baking. I am used to doing quite a bit of baking around this time of year, but just didn't feel strong enough and didn't want loads of cookies around to tempt any of us for weeks before Christmas. Well, I MISS the baking :( I decided that maybe I could make my least favorites and then wouldn't be as tempted but could still have a little fun so we decided to make our traditional "Bat Balls" (basically chocolate rum balls), peanut butter blossoms, and erik is making his spritz cookies.

Erik went shopping Sunday. Tanner tore into a box of nilla wafers (which is an ingredient used in the bat balls...btw, if I haven't mentioned before why they are called bat balls...tanner called them that because he didn't know the real name for them, but remembered the bottle of rum had a bat on it ;) and I happened to see it. It's that time of the month so my will power is at its weakest and my appetite at its worst so before I knew it, I had inhaled 7. Now that is MUCH less than I would have binged on in the past, but later I went back for 7 more AND had about 5 chocolate kisses ZOMG! Guess the binge eater is alive and well inside me after all :S I immediately texted erik and told him to hide them from me when he got home (which he did) and we've put off the actual baking until tomorrow.

Last night, we went to a friend's to have her color my hair, but we ended up getting side tracked making sugar cookies and decorating them. Those are Tanner's in the picture up there...I joked that it looked like a sugar cookie crime scene. It was loads of fun, we had a few gingerbread zombies, gingerbread inmates (in orange jumpsuits and numbers across their chest, as well as several very flower-looking snowflakes. Throughout the whole process, I had 2-3 unfrosted cookies and later when we got home I had two more. I knew I had to get a handle on this. Otherwise, I've been eating the way I should and I'm sure that even with the crap I've allowed, I'm still well under 2000 calories a day, but its the BEHAVIOR that worries me. I'm even questioning whether to do the baking tomorrow or leave it all until the day before Christmas so the temptation isn't around as long.

Today, I decided that I was just going to NOT allow myself to graze which is basically how I managed to consume so much crap over the last few days. I'm allowing myself three meals and two snacks and if ONE of those snacks is a cookie...that is all its going to be ONE cookie. Today I had one cookie and managed not to inhale the rest, but it wasn't easy!

I'm down to 325/327 (been going up and down between these two numbers the last week or so) and I really want to be at 317 by the end of the month so trying to keep that in mind when the cravings get horrible.

How are you guys handling all the treats? Avoidance, will power, stapling your mouth shut? Please, spill your secrets!

My new Bike and other NSV's

2010-12-20T10:59:00.004-06:00

The picture above is just for your viewing pleasure. I got some new fake eyelashes that I ordered online. Erik was at the store and after I got them on I texted him and said "OMG, just put some falsies on and I look like Mimi!" He came home and took one look and busted out laughing. Trust me, they look much better in pictures. In reality, I looked like a drag queen from the eyes up! Seriously...it looked like two spiders decided to camp out on my face...not the look I was going for, but I guess I can save them for a special occasion...say Halloween maybe?

Now for the rest of the story (mind you, I meant to post this on Sunday, so this all refers to events that occurred Saturday)

Yesterday, we all took a trip to Ride Away Bicycles and I put some money down on my bike. All Erik could do is laugh as I gushed about how beautiful it was! “Look! Even the treads on the tires are flowers!!!” They only had three of the really decorative bikes left, they’ve been so popular and two of them were ones I was interested in; The Fleur and the Blanc et Noir. I finally decided on the Fleur because, as I told Erik in my best Shelby (of steel magnolias) impression, “Red is my signature culah!” He is putting some money toward it for my Christmas present and we put it on lay-a-way so hopefully I’ll have it paid off in a few months. I can’t wait to ride it! Of course, I told erik it has been at least 20 years since I rode a bike so I’m going to have to get up at 3am to practice so that nobody sees me make an ass of myself while I’m re-learning to ride!

We are getting Tanner his adult trike for Christmas using some money from my grandfather and as part of our gift to him. We thought about giving him the money my grandfather had sent, but knew he would spend it on junk so I talked with him (and being the master manipulator I am) managed to talk him into putting the money toward his trike. When we were at the bike shop yesterday, he was cracking us up talking about how he needed a red helmet with a skull on the front and flames along the sides. Then, when he saw these “camelbak” bags he announced that he had to have one of them as well. If you’ve never seen these, they are most likely for people who bike long distances and have a reservoir in the bag that you can fill with water. When you need a drink, you just grab the tube thing and take a sip. Cool yes, for a neighborhood cycling trip, not so cool. Then he found the gloves, so of course he added those to the list of things he NEEDS and the more he added, the more my mind began to put together this hilarious picture of this uncoordinated kid outfitted in this badass helmet, riding gloves, and camel pack on this enormous adult tricycle taking a leisurely ride through our neighborhood. I will definitely get pictures for you guys if it happens!

I left the store on a high, but still kind of going back and forth about putting that kind of money into a bike. On the practical side, it is completely designed to be ergonomic and easy on the joints and back which I need. I also told myself that after losing almost 150 pounds, I deserved a little sum’n sum’n and since this was also going to be contributing to a more active lifestyle the better. I think I just have trouble spending money on myself, especially when we have been so strapped the last few months. This month we actually ended up much better off than I expected. I have no idea how it happened, but it’s been nice not to have to sweat about paying the bills over the holidays.

From there, we went to the cinema to see Harry Potter’s new movie. Loved it! The best part about it? I could walk down the aisle without needing to walk sideways AND I could sit in the chair without raising the arms! It was a great day!

I'm in LOVE!!

2010-12-16T15:28:00.003-06:00

Yes, I believe I have found the bike I want to get. I stumbled across this particular brand while scouting out prices on Tanner’s trike and fell instantly in love with Electra Cruiser Collection! Now, I just have to figure out which one is my favorite which will not be easy. So far, my favorites are the Fleur, the Koi, and the Red Betty with the Leopard accent seats and handlebar grips! I have no idea how much they cost, but I have to have one!

We have a shop just a few miles from where we live that sells them. I called them to see what the weight limit was on the bikes and the guy said “Oh, there is no limit, we’ve had 300 pounders on them!” I laughed and said “Yeah, I’ll be one of those.” But not for long right peoples!! Especially once I get ridin’! I’m really hoping that I can afford to get something before Spring starts (although in San Antonio, we could be out riding bikes now!).

Anyway, visit their blog and then go to their website and look at the cruisers. You can see all the cool designs they have. Report back and tell me which one is your favorite!!

Just your average Social Butterfly reporting for duty!

2010-12-13T20:07:00.003-06:00

I was quite a busy girl this weekend. I went to TWO, (yep, count ‘em TWO) parties! I don’t really know what was more fun, going to the parties or getting ready for the parties. I’m still dipping into new clothes in my closet and finding that most are almost too big for me. I’ll pull something out, look at the size and think…hmm, this probably won’t fit, but I try it on and it does; with room to spare usually.

Last year I had invitations to various get-togethers and gatherings, but I bailed on all of them mainly because I was too embarrassed to see people, many of which who hadn’t seen me since my mother’s funeral. Some I hadn’t seen in even more years. Although I wasn’t much bigger than I had been at my mother’s funeral, my mobility and strength was much much less and you all know that I had a big problem with letting people see me at my weakest.

This year, I didn’t think twice about whether or not I’d attend the events I’d been invited to. I didn’t spend the weeks leading up to the events wondering if there were going to be chairs that could accommodate my weight or worrying about being the fattest person there. I probably still WAS the fattest person at both events, but in relation to the rest of the world, I’m kind of just your average fat girl now and that totally rocks!

The first event we went to was a Deaf fellowship party given by the church that Tanner’s big brother preaches at. Last year, he picked Tanner up and brought him home (because I “couldn’t” make it), but this year, he was just too busy. I had to work late, but I used my last 30 minutes to get my makeup on and once I was off, slipped on some new clothes and we were on our way. I’m including a few pictures from the event, but they were taken with my phone which makes me look about 50 lbs fatter, washes out all my makeup and otherwise makes me look like a pasty toad, but there you go.

When we got there, I walked in with confidence and didn’t once try to scan the room to see if anyone was noticing the fat lady arriving. No children stared in fascination and horror. Adults didn’t treat me like I was invisible. It was amazing to just enjoy being with other people, participating in the events at the party and just having a great time in general with Tanner.

The next night, I attended an old friend’s birthday party. We have known each other since middle school and our mothers actually worked together for several years. We reconnected a year or two ago and she has absolutely been one of my biggest (local) cheerleaders and such a great source of support. We don’t get to get together much because she has two very busy children, work, etc so I was looking forward to seeing her again.

I’ll admit, I was kind of nervous about going because Belinda and her daughter (and mom) were probably the only people I would know there, but I refused to let myself talk myself out of going for that reason. Once again, I enjoyed doing my hair and taking time with my makeup, I even wore fake eyelashes, the whole time imagining I was the most popular cast member of The Real Housewives of San Antonio (because, ya know its in the contract that you have to wear falsies to be on that show). Unfortunately, the falsies I got were the same length as my own lashes so they really didn’t do much for me. Next time I’m going to go super glam! I was just worried about looking like Mimi or Ms. Piggy if I went too long. I got dressed and made Erik take pictures of me and he joked that he has to take pictures of me every day I wear something new, which is kinda true, but it’s so fun to look at them afterwards because you see yourself so much differently in a picture vs. the mirror and I’m starting to like what I see staring back at me from both!

I left and on my way had to call Shannon, just to tell her how pretty I looked. She demanded that I take a pic with my phone and send it to her so when I stopped at CVS I asked the cashier to take one of me. Of course he looked at me like I’d lost my mind, but what was he going to say? Apparently my phone was too complicated for him because he somehow started using the movie feature instead and by then people were walking into the store and I didn’t want to be the idiot smiling for the cashier. So, I grabbed my phone from the wanna-be Martin Scorsese and thanked him for his efforts.

Prior to leaving my house, I realized that I couldn’t access facebook which is where Belinda’s new address was, but lucky for me I’m a master cyber stalker. I had managed to locate a record for her husband and whammo! Found their address. Of course, I couldn’t hide my lovely falsies behind a pair of glasses so I left them behind making reading street signs a real challenge, but somehow I made it to her house. I honestly had no idea if it was the right house; I just went to the building with the most cars in front of it and prayed it was the right place (I couldn’t see any house numbers). I got Lucky! It was the right house and before I knew it, I was inside chatting with Belinda’s mom, saying hi to her brother who I hadn’t seen since high school and ultimately making some new friends with some people from where Belinda works. Her house was beautiful and she had a spread like you would not believe…this girl knows how to throw a shindig! Her kids were adorable and her husband was a real sweetheart. I thoroughly enjoyed myself and was so glad that I went, thanks for inviting me Belinda!!

Sights & Sounds of Christmas

2010-12-06T16:14:00.002-06:00

Every December, San Marcos, which is a town about 45 minutes north of San Antonio has a Christmas event called The Sights and Sounds of Christmas. San Marcos is actually where I went to college at Southwest Texas State University which has now just become Texas State University and, when Tanner was about 3 or 4 we moved there so that he could start preschool at the Texas School for the Deaf in Austin.

Needless to say, San Marcos holds many special memories for me. It was the place where I finally discovered what I wanted to be when I grew up. Once I had that focus, it was like nothing could stop me. I could get through just about anything, including a Physics class that scared the crap out of me and almost kept me from pursuing my degree in Communication Disorders to begin with. My time in college was probably one of the happiest periods of my young adult life. I was thinner (not “thin” but thinner), in great shape, excelling in my academic pursuits and feeling great about who I was inside and out. I had a new found confidence that had been lacking through most of my earlier years and while I always struggled with insecurities, I think I was most sure of myself at this time. So yeah…good times.

Later, when we moved back there to shorten the commute to TSD, I found that I really loved living in a smaller town; especially as a young mother. I used to take Tanner to the park there and Erik, Tanner and I would often go to the river and walk the trails after he got home from work. Tanner loved to stop and watch the ducks (well really, he often used them as target practice using pebbles he found alongside the river, but luckily at the age of 3 he hadn’t perfected his aim). Sometimes, we’d just sit by the river and watch it meander past us. Nature was always something that calmed Tanner down and having moments where I could enjoy this challenging kiddo meant the world to the young stressed out mom I was at the time.

San Marcos was also the place where my son went through his super hero phase, wearing a cape (which was really just a towel until he got the batman costume) AT ALL TIMES for at least two years straight. It was also where I began homeschooling him when we discovered TSD wasn’t going to be a good fit. I have fond memories of homeschooling get-togethers and all the friends we made in that network. I LOVED exploring concepts with Tanner and discovering that we shared a love for Science.

I also remember attending the Sights and Sounds of Christmas with Tanner several times over the years and seeing the wonder on his face at all the lights, manufactured “snowflakes” that would rain down as you entered the event area, petting zoo and more. This was the first time I’d been able to go with him in 5 years. The last time I took him, I had a difficult time navigating the area, but I made it. This time, I still had difficulty and had to rest my legs, but only after being on my feet for well over an hour. Five months ago, I could barely manage 5 minutes on my feet before needing to sit down.

I was a bit disappointed, because after standing in line for about 15 minutes waiting for the bus to get to the entrance, then standing in lines for admission, tokens, carousel, kettle corn, and hot chocolate (yes I sampled the latter, but they were mainly for tanner lol), it had been over an hour on my feet. They had nowhere to sit, so I found a curb and sat down. I had gone with my friend Shannon, her daughter Jordan, and their cousin Jeff (who is from Canada and has an ADORABLE Canadian accent “Eh?” He’s also just plain ol’ adorable, but sorry ladies, he’s spoken for…) and although I really felt I needed maybe 10 minutes to rest my legs, I felt bad making them wait, especially since Jordan didn’t have a jacket and it wasn’t getting any warmer. So, ultimately they decided to head over to the main ride area without me. I think they planned on coming back for me, but once they got there, they said it was so crowded, they knew if they came back for me, it would be too late, so I basically sat there for about an hour twiddling my thumbs. I was worried if I went looking for them, we’d cross somewhere and then play hell trying to meet back up to leave (cell phone service was out for ATT users in San Marcos for some reason).

When they finally made it back, it was time to go and Tanner remarked that he felt bad that I got left behind. I assured him that I was happy that he had a good time and that next year would be WAY different! He was going to have to get in shape, because HE was going to be the one trying to keep up with me ;) So, although I didn’t have the experience I hoped I’d have on my first major outing post-surgery, over the weekend I discovered that it brought up lots of wonderful memories and was yet one more small step towards reclaiming my life. Walking under the lights with Tanner, sharing a hot cocoa as we people watched and admired the lights, and yes…even sitting on a curb for an hour breathing in the crisp December air beats the heck out of another night in my recliner which is probably where you would have found me this time last year.

You better run to the bathroom and grab a drink before sitting down to read this monster!

2010-12-04T10:09:00.002-06:00

Well, I was SO busy yesterday, I didn’t have time to even blog about my day so I thought I’d go ahead and update you on all the exciting stuff I did OUTSIDE MY HOUSE yesterday! I may bore you to tears because I really didn’t do anything all that exciting, but 5 months ago, there was NO way I could have tackled this day and actually enjoyed myself.

Of course, the fun starts just getting ready to leave the house because I really enjoy putting on makeup and picking out clothes to wear. I chose this pretty burgundy chenille sweater I’ve had for a few years that still had the tags on it and wasn’t sure it was going to fit, but when I put it on, it was almost a bit too big. Then I had to find some pants. The first pair of pants were a bit too small, well…not really small I think they are supposed to fit more like leggings and I’m just really not into that look. I just don’t think fat people have any business wearing skinny jeans, jeggings or leggings period. I wore them in the 80’s or 90’s (whenever they were last popular) but now I can see that it can make us look like a bowling ball precariously perched on a couple toothpicks…not the most flattering look, at least for me its not. I went ahead and tried them on and asked Erik for his opinion and he promptly mentioned the “skinny jeans” look maybe wasn’t going to work for me so I went back to my closet.

The problem is, the past couple of years that I’ve been purchasing clearance stuff in smaller sizes, they have mainly been tops, sweaters, etc. I don’t think I bought many pants unless they really caught my eye. I found a pair of black pants, put them on and they were WAY huge on me. I had to pull them up to my bra, just so the ankles weren’t around my feet and my legs were swimming in the pant legs, but we were running late and I thought they’d make do. I spent the rest of the day, hiking my pants up, rolling the stomach down, etc to no avail. These are definitely going in the “Can no longer wear” pile. The pictures below were taken as my 5 month progress pictures (again, not a lot of change that I see) and show the final outfit.

Once I got dressed, I went to pick out some jewelry (YES! I was getting all gussied up for my day of errands!). I chose one of my mother’s rings and another ring she bought for me that I hadn’t been able to wear for years because my fingers were too fat! Then I chose a necklace and earring set I got from AVON (which is half off at the moment if you like it. Just make sure you go to http://mvandever.avonrepresentative.com/ and then search for “Jet Accented Double Strand Gift Set” to order and I’ll get credit for it.) It is going for $9.99 right now and I can tell you, it is even prettier in person. Even Erik remarked at how pretty it was when I asked him to help me put the necklace on. On a side note, I’ve been VERY impressed with any jewelry I’ve purchased from AVON. To be quite honest, I kind of expected it to look great in the brochure, but look or feel cheaply made when I actually received it ( I know I shouldn’t talk like that since I’m a new AVON rep, but you know I’m always going to be honest with you guys even if I am selling the stuff). I have loved everything I’ve purchased so far.

Anyway, I completed my outfit with some sensible black shoes because I knew I was going to be doing a lot of walking lol. They are basically kedd looking sort of sneakers and probably look orthopedic, but they are extremely comfortable. If you’ve never purchased a pair of Softwalk shoes before, they are definitely worth the price! The inner soles are kind of like those egg crate type mattresses…very comfortable. I won’t lie, most of their shoes have that “practical pair of shoes” look, but if you have a day where comfort needs to trump style, these shoes will definitely do the trick and lets face it, when you have Fred Flintstone feet that are about as wide as they are long…you can’t be fussy in the shoe department! If it fits, BUY it has always been my motto!

So, here are this month’s round of pictures. You can actually see all my progress pictures here as well. I’m going to see if Erik can get my measurements today as well because I’m due for those. I’m still holding right around 333, but I’ve decided my new goal is to *try* to get to 317 by the end of the month. That will put me at 100 lbs lost in the first 6 months since surgery and a total of 148 lbs lost overall! I’m going to amp up the exercise and see if that helps. It may be a lofty goal, but it will be fun to see if I can make it.

So, the first place we went was the community college downtown. I had been going back and forth about starting my pre-requisites for nursing school this Spring. After this most recent hospitalization, I almost trashed the idea for good (at least for the Spring Semester), but then thought I’d go ahead and give it a try. I really don’t want to delay it anymore so we’ll keep our fingers crossed that I stay healthy. I’ve registered for Chem 1 and Intro to Sociology. Both classes will be completed online, but I will have to go in once a week (Thursday nights) for the Chem lab and I may have to go in for testing too…still have to learn more about how that works. Erik is also going to be taking a few classes so that he can finish his Interpreting certification. If all goes well, he should be done by the end of next year. Once he completes his certification, he will be able to make more money and have access to more work as an interpreter for the deaf which will be good since we have discussed that he will need to carry most of the financial load while I’m in nursing school (as I did for the four years he was working on his interpreting degree).

We both had to go in to sort out our financial aid stuff basically. I can’t get any grants since I have a B.S. already and Erik has a bazillion hours accrued without a degree so he is ineligible for grants as well. We were turning in information and meeting with advisers in order to explain why we were going back to school when I already had a B.S. and in Erik’s case, why he had a bazillion hours, but no degree yet. Hopefully we will get approved for some loans at least. I have to pay for my classes by the 9th and was a bit worried that, considering how strapped we are right now, maybe that was going to be the deciding factor about whether or not I started in the Spring or had to wait for Summer. As a last ditch effort, I emailed a woman who has always been sort of a surrogate mom to me (I think I mentioned that she was also there for my surgery) and probably the closest thing I had to a mentor growing up. My mom actually used to do her hair once a week so I saw her every week for most of my childhood. She has a PhD in education and probably was one of the biggest influences on me in pursuing my own education beyond high school. I emailed her, explained my situation and how much my tuition was and asked if I could borrow the money from her and pay her back if and when I got a loan. If I don’t get a loan, I will work something out with her to pay her back monthly. Thankfully, she wrote back and said she’d be happy to help and would be mailing me a check immediately…LOVE her! Thanks Pat!

After we got done at the college (where I did quite a bit of walking, stair climbing, etc!), we ran to the library to return some books and pick up some new books I had on hold. I started reading “If I Stay” by Gayle Forman based on the recommendation of my good friend Melissa over at Must Read Faster. You can read her review here (http://mustreadfaster.blogspot.com/2010/11/review-if-i-stay.html). She is cute as a button both inside and out (although she would probably cringe hearing me describe her that way lol) and a good friend of mine and I love her blog!

After the library, we had to stop by the bank and then it was off to pick up Tanner so that we could go see his audiologist to see about getting a new earmold made for him. I don’t know if I mentioned this, but our rescue Pomeranian snatched his hearing aid off the coffee table and ATE Tanner’s earmold! We don’t call him “Stink” for nothing…every inch of that dog is a stinker! His given name is actually “Paxton” and he still refuses to answer to “Stink” or “Stinkaroo” as I like to call him, but he better get used to it or start behaving! Anyway, most dogs are attracted to earmolds because of all the earwax, but our sweet lab, Thunder has never ever ate his earmold so I guess we didn’t even think about Stink. A few weeks ago, I heard him under my bed, where he hoards his best “treasures,” chomping away on something. I had Erik get down to check and he pulled out Tanner’s hearing aid sans earmold…great! They are only $75.00 a piece and no, they aren’t covered by insurance (most hearing related products aren’t fyi) so we weren’t thrilled at this discovery. I told Tanner that we would pay for this replacement, but from now on, he needs to make sure he puts his hearing aid up where Stink can’t get to it, because the next earmold will come out of his pocket! If you are wondering why we haven't gotten rid of this rascally mongrel, I give you exhibit "A" below...he's too freakin' cute! BTW, Tanner and I were reading "In the Forest of Hands and Teeth" together and Stink jumped up on the bed and lay down just like you see him there. Guess he can enjoy a bedtime story too :)

We got to the audiologist and one of the guys in the room with us just seemed to be observing while they made the impression for Tanner’s mold. I asked him his name and discovered he was doing his internship to complete his PhD in Audiology. He looked all of 20 years old! Holy cow! I enjoyed talking to him though and told him my undergrad degree was in Communication Disorders and had contemplated going back to grad school to complete my masters in audiology, but ultimately decided to go back to nursing school. We talked quite a bit about how Tanner lost his hearing, where I studied, other topics in deafness and hearing loss, etc. When we left, Erik said “You were very talkative in there!” with an amused smile on his face he added, “You need to get out more!” Embarrassed, I asked if I had been annoyingly talkative and he said “No, he seemed to be enjoying the conversation, it was just funny to hear you chatting away like that.” Just for the record, Tanner got a earmold with swirled red, black and white colors although the audiologist jokingly tried to talk him into a pink glitter one.

After we were finished at the audiologist, we ran home, got something to eat and then I went to pick up my new glasses (see picture below). I put them on (after a year of not wearing them) and couldn’t believe the difference! I don’t have a very strong prescription so I can get by without them, but WOW, putting them on just brought everything into crystal clear focus. So nice to be able to SEE.

Have you actually read this whole post? If so, you must be a glutton for punishment or a die-hard blog reader lol! Thanks either way because even though the activities I described were far from compelling, the fact that I was able to DO all of this and enjoy my day is something I just couldn’t have done 5 months ago. I continue to be thankful for each and every step I take back towards a normal life!

Cure for Whining & Moaning: Count your Blessings

2010-12-02T08:59:00.003-06:00

This morning I am down to 333, but I was super bad about getting my liquids in yesterday so I’m probably a bit dehydrated. I’m going to work hard to drink more today and try to get my protein in…that is another thing I’ve been kind of lax on. I’ve just been super stressed about money and trying to grab a few shifts at my second job on top of the 10 I do there every week. This means that I often work my day job, get off when Tanner gets home, spend some time with him, make dinner, eat dinner and then do a few hours at my second job, go to sleep for a few hours, then get up to work a few more, go to sleep, then get up to work my day job and it just starts over again. I’m grateful to have a job (or three) to try to make up for the unpaid time I had in the hospital, but it seems to have become “the excuse” I use to NOT go walking with Tanner when he gets home. By the time I’m done with my first job, I’m just so worn out and knowing that I’m going to have to work several shifts later on just wears me out thinking about it. It reminds me of when I started working the graveyard shift and just never felt rested…which is really what almost signed my death warrant to begin with if you’ll remember.

I also haven’t had much of an appetite lately. I think I’m just bored with what I can eat and since I’ve been in the hospital and recovering at home, I haven’t felt much like experimenting in the kitchen. The guys are deviled egged out at the moment; I used to always have them on hand because they were such an easy thing to grab when I needed a little protein. I decided to make egg salad this weekend instead, and although they are eating it, I don’t think they are big fans. I’m going to make chili tonight, but I anticipate some grumbling from Tanner, but oh well.

Tanner weighed himself last night and he was up 6 lbs. which disappointed him, but I reminded him that when I was in the hospital, he and dad ate out a lot (supposedly out of stress, but I think it was more a good excuse to go off the diet really). I won’t lie, this annoyed me, mainly because I had told Erik that they couldn’t spend money (eating out) while I was in the hospital because we were going to be so strapped; the 6 lbs Tanner gained was just another negative consequence. To be fair, the several pieces of buttermilk pie he ate over the weekend probably didn’t help matters either (I made this to take over to my SIL’s house on Thanksgiving, but of course we never made it there).

So, because of our current financial situation, we are going to have to stick to the budget low carb lifestyle which means lots of eggs, bacon and other low cost protein sources like tuna, etc. We will be fine though I’m sure the guys are going to whine about it until my ears bleed. Hey, at least we are going to HAVE food to eat, a roof over our head, etc. Yeah, things are going to be tight which sucks right around Christmas, but again…things could be so much worse!

Once, when I was feeling particularly sorry for myself because everything that could go wrong seemed to be going wrong, I asked a friend how to break myself out of my funk. She answered simply “Count your Blessings.” My gut reaction at first was “WHAT BLESSINGS? Did you not hear that my entire life is in the crapper at the moment?” But then a few minutes later, I began to think about it and as I started to list out my blessings, I realized that I still had many things in my life that WEREN’T in the crapper. After just a few minutes, I had a handful of pretty wonderful things to focus on and guess what? Instant attitude adjustment. So now, when I start to get overwhelmed by things that are less than perfect, I make myself list my blessings and it usually gives me the swift kick in the tuckas I need :)

Things I’m currently grateful for:

1. Weighing 333 lbs instead of 465 lbs.
2. Not being in the hospital and apparently on the road to Wellsville.
3. The fact that both Erik and I have multiple income sources while many people are struggling to find ONE job.
4. Tanner is doing very good at school and while he drives us insane periodically obsessing about buying a new gaming system or games in general, overall, he is doing an AWESOME job controlling his frustration and growing into the young man I always hoped he’d be.
5. My family, although they live WAY too far from us for my liking.
6. I’m thankful to have Erik in my life because, although our relationship is far from traditional, he is still the best friend I ever had and I know that, no matter what, he will always be there for Tanner and I.
7. I’m thankful that I can now wash dishes and spit shine the kitchen without ever needing to take a seat mid-way.

I’m sure there are many other things I’m grateful for, but those are just off the top of my head! See…already feeling much better when before I was internally whining about how tired I was. Ok, so maybe the coffee I consumed while writing this post helped to alleviate the fatigue a bit, but this exercise helped with the mental fatigue ;) I hope you all have a great day and find many things to be thankful for!!

Checking in :) I'm still alive and haven't been back to the hospital!!

2010-11-30T08:07:00.004-06:00

I apologize for not updating my blog this past week. By Monday, I was deeply depressed. I still wasn't 100% and my arm was killing me and didn't seem to be getting any better and I was just really down that I wasn't able to go to Indiana to see my family. I had a horrible dream about my mom Sunday night so when I woke up, it all just hit me and I actually had a 5 minute crying jag where I felt super sorry for myself. I thought about getting on and blogging about it, but I just didn't want to allow myself to "wallow" in how I was feeling if that makes any sense.

As the week went by, I started feeling better both physically and mentally and was looking forward to going to my SIL's house for Thanksgiving. I even made buttermilk pie to take over (no, it wasn't low carb) and then spent most of the night "hemorrhaging" (my gynecological issues) which meant we had to cancel that outing :( I just didn't want to risk having a problem while over at her house and honestly, I was exhausted as I had been up all night in and out of the bathroom. The good news is that the last two periods, while having their heavy moments, seem to be lasting about 5-7 days and then resolving the way they are supposed to. I'm hoping the hemorrhaging I experienced was somewhat due to the lovenox I'd been on in the hospital and had continued at home trying to resolve the issues from my IVs. Since I've had to discontinue the birth control pills, it would be nice if my gyno issues would normalize as I don't want my next trip to the hospital to be to have a hysterectomy :S

We hadn't planned on having Thanksgiving at home so Erik ran to the store and bought some fried chicken and french fries and we threw that in the oven lol. I had a few fries and a few bites of chicken and even had some pie later and did fine. I didn't gain any weight and this morning I'm back down to 335 (I had gotten back up to 347 while in the hospital...all that darn fluid!).

Now, I'm feeling much better and seem to be on the mend. Just keep your fingers crossed for me that I don't have a relapse with the vasculitis! Right now, we are just struggling with how we are going to get our bills paid this month after several weeks (both of us) that we were out of work without pay while in the hospital. I'm sure we will be fine, but it just sucks that this is all happening around the holidays.

Tanner seems to understand that we won't be able to buy him anything this year and honestly, he's kind of been annoying the heck out of us as far as money goes...just not really understanding that we can't go to the movies, rent video games, etc right now so maybe this is a good lesson for him. I'm even thinking about trying to work on some volunteer projects or something where we help deliver gifts to other needy families so that he can see that there are many other people in our city who have it much worse than we do. IDK, but this kiddo definitely needs a reality check when it comes to finances...our fault though for spoiling him a bit when he was younger.

One good thing is that he seems to really understand when I share stories about my own childhood with him. I never really wanted for anything because whatever my mom couldn't provide, my grandparents made sure I had, but I grew up watching my mom work several jobs and still struggle to pay bills. I've told Tanner that when I started working at 16, I would actually turn my paychecks over to my mom because it made me feel better knowing that I was helping to alleviate some of the stress she was under and that I would much rather give her the money than go and spend it on something frivolous and watch her continue to struggle financially. A few years ago, none of this would penetrate as far as Tanner was concerned. He just wouldn't generalize this story to his own experience, but I could actually see him comparing situations and later, he brought me $6 of his allowance to "help" us pay rent bless his heart. I told him to keep it, but to try and keep in mind how hard dad and I were working and how stressed we were this month and to try to give us a break. For the most part, he's been better about it, but we still have a few moments here and there where he gets upset about not being able to do something that costs money.

Anyway, all things considered, things are looking up. I hope to be blogging a lot more this month, but this past week, with the illness, not being able to go on the trip, thanksgiving kind of being a bust and then the anniversary of my mom's death (jan 28th) I just kind of decided to give myself a break and get through it all. I'm sorry to have worried some of you! Thanks for checking in on me, it makes me feel good and thankful to have your support :)

My goals for this month are to get back to walking regularly, continue to track my food each day and STAY OUT OF THE DARN HOSPITAL!! What goals are you setting for yourself this month?

Back from the hospital..yes AGAIN!

2010-11-21T09:19:00.002-06:00

I'm sure some of you were wondering what happened to me. What about the interview, my upcoming vacation, etc. Well, nix everything because I ended up in the hospital again. It was the same problem I had a few weeks ago with my stomach; most specifically, my small bowel mesentery . For whatever reason, the mesentery and vascular network is getting inflamed which causes the small bowel to thicken and hurt like you wouldn't believe; I can only compare the cramping to childbirth as the pain builds to an unbearable gut-wrenching pain, radiating throughout your stomach and back and then subsides only to recur a few moments later. I don't even remember the first two days in the hospital because I was so drugged up on pain medication.

I'm still pretty wiped out so I'm going to keep this short (the previous post was written before I got sick). I went into the hospital on Wednesday and just got out yesterday evening. They wanted to keep me through Monday, but they couldn't find anyplace to start a new IV (for some antibiotics they have me on mainly) as I kept blowing them. When this last one blew, I refused to be stuck again as they had literally tried about every vein in both forearms and were discussing putting in a picc line. At the moment, both forearms are swollen, the right more so than the left...I'm a little concerned about it actually as it is a bit inflamed and warm to the touch..I'm guessing it may be cellulitis, but I'll call the doc. I'm on two high powered antibiotics, so that should help.

They basically checked me for any and all diseases that could cause vasculitis, many of which I'd never heard of (Whipple's disease) and some I was familiar with (Lymphoma, Lupus, etc.). Every test they ran came back negative and the small bowel study just told them what they already knew from the CT scan....that the mesentery and small bowel was inflamed. The radiologist that did my small bowel study happened to have just read an article that Lisinopril (my blood pressure med)had been linked to vasculitis so they took me off lisinopril and put me on some other med.

Like last time, I began to get better in the hospital before they really started any treatment other than IV fluids. The pain started to lessen and my white count went back down before they made the decision to try antibiotics, so essentially I was improving on my own which got me thinking. I don't think it was the lisinopril because I continued to take that in the hospital last time and after I was released and I was fine. However, I remembered that I had started the birth control pill my gyno had put me on, Low-ogestrel, about a week before being hospitalized the first time. While I was in the hospital, I didn't take it because I didn't have it with me. When I got out, I had missed so many days, I just decided to wait a few weeks and start the next one when I would have had I continued with the initial pack. I started the new pack almost a week to the day before getting sick again. Both times, I finished about a week's worth of this medication before going into the hospital. I mentioned it to the doctors, but they didn't seem to think it was a likely culprit. Maybe not, but at the moment, it makes the most sense.

They wanted to do a biopsy tomorrow, but honestly, I don't know if that will give them anymore information and I was READY to go home. I figure IF I get sick again, I'll let them do the biopsy at that point. For now, I have discontinued the lisinopril and the low-ogestrel and I'm hoping for the best.

The very big downside to this is that we won't be going to Indiana to visit my family which is a huge disappointment to Tanner and myself. I'm very happy to be feeling better, but we were really looking forward to this trip. I also obviously didn't get to do the interview with Dr. Duperier which was also disappointing, but oh well...maybe some other time.

Another activity idea Tanner and I are exploring...

2010-11-21T09:13:00.004-06:00

Ok, so most of you know I have been brainstorming lots of ways to remain active. I know that the only way I’m going to continue to lose weight and, more importantly, keep it off is to not only incorporate exercise into my daily life, but to change my LIFESTYLE. I am also trying to have enough variability that Tanner doesn’t get bored with what we are doing. I mentioned that we are looking at the Kinect and the adult trikes, but we have also talked about taking Karate lessons together (there is a karate place right up the road that we could easily bike to).

Out of all the sports, I’ve probably always had a little more interest in baseball, both as a spectator and as a player. Not that I’ve ever really played all that much outside of PE, but I got to wondering about getting some equipment (a bat, mitt, etc) so that we might brush up on our skillz. I was thinking if we could improve Tanner’s maybe we could see about having him join a local deaf league.

I think I’ve mentioned my love for “fantasy shopping” before and I recently discovered www.become.com and it has become a favorite for that sort of thing for sure! They have everything lol. Tanner and I started doing a little fantasy shopping of our own and decided to see what sort of bats they recommended. We found the Easton SV2 first and as we started looking around that particular website, never realized how many different kinds of bats there are; tee ball bats, fast pitch bats, etc. Not sure what is different about them all as they all seem to look the same, but I’m sure there must be a difference.

We have a great backyard so I wouldn’t have to worry so much about Tanner sending a rogue ball flying into the next door neighbor’s window. Of course now that I’ve said that, he’ll find a way to damage something lol. I should probably outfit him in something like these youth catchers gear outfits to keep him from braining himself lol! I think I’ll do myself a favor though and skip the nike baseball cleats , those just seem like asking for trouble to place a pair on Tanner’s feet. He gets his coordination from his momma!

Weigh in. I am no longer stalled!

2010-11-16T19:00:00.003-06:00

I had Erik snap a picture of me yesterday and thought I'd share it. Not a huge change since my last round of pictures, but I'm slowly getting happier about what I see staring back at me!

When I stepped on the scale this morning I was at 338!! I'm really loving THAT! I honestly don't think I've been this weight since 2000? Just amazing! Hopefully the coffee calamity I discovered last week was the problem and now that I've adjusted things, I'll keep losing at a regular pace. I'm a bit behind my goal due to the three week stall. I was supposed to be closer to 319 by about this time, but I'm just happy to be losing again!

I'm looking forward to the TV interview this Thursday. If there is an online version I can share with you (and I haven't said anything to embarrass myself, I'll share it with you!). Still need to decide what to wear.

Before I know it, Monday will be here and Tanner and I will be off to Indiana to see our family! I can't wait :) Hopefully we won't annoy them too much. The only downside to visiting family is I've begun to fantasize and crave all my childhood favorites. My grandfather makes these amazing homemade noodles that we usually spoon over mashed potatoes...yes, that is nothing but carbs, carbs and more carbs. Seriously, they are delicious. I may have to allow myself some at some point. I'll just have to make a small batch because they are definitely a trigger for a binge.

I'm not going to sweat what I eat while I'm up there too much. I didn't want my aunt stressing about making me low carb options when I can only take about 5 bites at any meal. As long as I'm not grazing all day, I don't think I can do too much damage. I'll try to make as many good choices as I can and indulge a bit on Thanksgiving.

How are you guys planning on getting through Thanksgiving without wrecking your diet?

If you are a seafood lover like me, this might be of interest to you!

2010-11-16T11:18:00.005-06:00

Many of you know that seafood is a popular protein of choice in our household. Heck, when we last ate out (which doesn’t happen often due to finances), we ended up at Red Lobster where all three of us were in Seafood Heaven.

Since my surgery, fish and shellfish has definitely become at least a once-a-week addition to our menu. Some of our favorites are orange roughy fixed several ways; Tanner’s favorite is Orange Roughy with Citrus Sauce. We also love salmon and just about any kind of shellfish.

Because we have increased our fish and shellfish consumption, I started thinking about how I could ensure we were getting the freshest seafood as some of the selections we had purchased from our local market seemed less than fresh once I went to cook it. Since I do so much online shopping, I began to wonder if there was a way to order fresh fish online.

Honestly, I thought it was probably a shot in the dark…I mean, if you can’t get fresh fish from your local market, how likely is it you are going to be able to order it online? Imagine my surprise when I came across an online fish market that offers a wide variety of fresh fish and shellfish. Not only are the prices competitive with local market prices, but you can buy from them knowing that you are purchasing from a source that specializes in providing sustainable seafood (this means that they have my eye on their Bay Scallops as I found this recipe I'd love to try with a few adaptations to make it more low-carb friendly. I will get back to you guys when I give it a try!

What is your favorite kind of seafood?

Tofu Shirataki Pasta Review and my growing obsession with owning a Kinect

2010-11-10T18:32:00.005-06:00

I just gave tofu shirataki noodles a try. I’ve had some fettuccini noodles and some spaghetti noodles for a few weeks now, but I think I’ve been a bit scared to try them. I’ve heard mixed reviews and I guess I just really wanted to like them, but was a bit scared about what they were going to taste like.

Apparently, they are made by blending the root of the Konnyaku, which is a member of the yam family, and tofu. A four ounce serving is just 20 calories and has 3g of carbs. They arrive packaged as you see them above in some kind of liquid. From other reviews I’d read, I knew to rinse them in some warm water prior to eating, but apparently they don’t really need to be “cooked.” Some people mentioned cooking them for a few minutes in hot water to improve the texture, but I figured for the first go ‘round, I’d just try them without boiling them first.

They look just like fettuccini noodles and to my hands (as I rinsed them), they felt like pasta so I was hopeful. I made some low-carb alfredo sauce using this recipe and cooked up some shrimp (which we LOVE!) to go along with it. The alfredo sauce came out great and I mixed a small amount in with the noodles, spooned out a small portion for myself, a slightly larger portion for Tanner, added the shrimp and rang the dinner bell.

My first bite was kind of …hmm. The consistency is kind of like a clam only not as chewy. It is like biting into a clam in that it is kind of slippery against your teeth and has a tiny bit of resistance as you bite into the noodles; very little resistance, but enough to realize you aren’t eating pasta. Tanner slurped it up, but I don't really think he chews his food. He didn’t get or ask for seconds, but he isn’t feeling great so that may be why. When I asked him what he thought of the pasta, he said “It was kinda good” so take that however you want to. I still have the spaghetti so next time I will boil it for a few minutes and see if that improves the texture and update you guys. For now, I have to say I’m not in a hurry to buy it again. If you want to try them for yourself, I bought mine at The Low Carb Connoisseur for $2.84 a package.

While we are talking about Tanner, I wanted to let you guys know that he has lost 4 lbs since we started him on the low-carb diet! He was so excited yesterday when he weighed himself. He also attributed it to the workout he’s been getting when he and his class visit Best Buy and use the Kinect there.

Speaking of Kinect, I’ve decided I have to have one of these! I had decided that I was going to get a Wii Fit when I got under 330 since that is the weight limit, but a friend of mine recently bought Kinect for the Xbox and shared a video of herself (apparently it can take pics or video as you work out with it) playing one of the dancing games. I have to say…it was HIGH-larious!! I can only imagine how freaking funny it would be to video Tanner and I working out as we both have ZERO coordination. I’m not sure when we will be able to afford it, but I definitely want one! This definitely looks like the toy of the Christmas season by the way as many places already have them on backorder so if you or your kiddos are wanting your own, you better get on the ball and purchase one now! What a fun way for us to get some exercise!

Michelle's Recipe for SUPER FREAKING HARD boiled eggs.

2010-11-09T14:09:00.003-06:00

This just in... I can't cook.

Michelle's Recipe for SUPER HARD boiled eggs:
1. Fill perfectly good pan with water.
2. Add eggs.
3. Place on stove on medium high.
4. Distract yourself with something for the next two hours.
5. Remove from stove when eggs start exploding and smoke alarms start going off.
6. Toss pan and eggs in the trash.

Nutritional information: Zero calories, Zero carbs, Zero Fat (unless you are gross and actually eat them)

I won't be adding this to my Bitchin' Kitchen!

BLAST my inadequate food journaling!!!

2010-11-09T12:37:00.004-06:00

Ok, so I woke up today and I am STILL at 347! I've been stalled for what 3-4 weeks now and I'm not lovin' it! I stay positive most of the time, but darnit! I want to get into the 330's!!

So, I looked at my food journal. Lately I haven't been putting in certain things like the coffee I have in the morning with agave nectar and this belgian toffee creamer thing Erik got and hated. I figured I'd go ahead and use it in my coffee, how bad could it be? I eat so little, a "little" (I don't really measure, but I like my coffee creamy so it's probably more than the average bear)creamer in my coffee and a "dash" (i usually take the top off and pour a little "gloop" of agave into my cup) of agave nectar. I think there may have been a little voice in my head saying "Micheeeelllleee, you may want to rethink your creamer and sweetener choice or at least post it in your food log" but nay...I ignored this voice. My morning cup of coffee is my little piece of heaven...I was really enjoying this whole combination of belgian chocolate toffee flavored goodness mixed with the no-aftertaste agave. *sigh*

So, today I decided to go ahead and log my coffee concoction just to see if it might be the reason I'm stalling and lo and behold, it may very well be the reason I'm maintaining. I figured 2 tblsp of agave (not sure if I actually use that much or not, but I will sheepishly admit that it probably isn't out of the realm of possibility) is 120 mother freaking calories and 26 fracking carbs!!! Then I moved onto the creamer...one serving is 4 tsp and I would say that is a very modest estimate for how much I put in my coffee. Cha-Ching! This adds another 60 calories and another 9 carbs. I basically drank and entire day's worth of carbs people!

I can't really think of anything else that I'm doing that might be impacting my weight loss right now so I'm going to start with my coffee (probably using almond milk or heavy cream...which has fewer carbs than creamer or milk...to lighten it up and truvia to add a little sweetener and I will LOG it in my journal. Hopefully this is the problem and we'll see better numbers next week, but let this be a lesson to all my fellow diet kiddies out there...JOURNAL EVERYTHING YOU PUT IN YOUR MOUTH!

Apart from not losing anything in several weeks, I must say that I am looking pretty darn FABULOUS! I'll try to get some pictures taken even though there probably isn't much change from the last group.

My current top 10 things I love about my life post-surgery

2010-11-08T09:08:00.003-06:00

1. Being able to stand for as long as I want to without my calves screaming in agony.
2. Walking without the limping gait I sported 5 months ago because my knees hurt.
3. Going out in public and "blending" in. I'm still a big girl, but like Chris noted in one of her comments, I'm more like all the other fat people in the world. Instead of being freak show fat, I'm more your average fat American....trust me, after experiencing freak show fat, you can be grateful to be just a fat American :)
4. I love that when I go to get a pedicure now, it is actually relaxing! Before, just getting a pedicure was like a pilates workout for me as I often had to hold my legs in awkward positions for periods of time while they filed and buffed, etc!
5. I love doing my hair and makeup now because when I'm done, I actually SEE the pretty me emerging. Before, I'd go to the trouble to make myself up and look in the mirror and see what a waste of time it was. Typically, the effort of getting ready would have me sweating so my hair and makeup would be flat by the time I got done.
6. I love that every time I take time to make myself up, put on something other than a ratty t-shirt and workout capris Tanner asks me where we are going. "Nowhere, I just wanted to look pretty :)" He usually gives me funny looks like I've lost my mind, but that's ok.
7. I really love the moments when Tanner comments on my weight loss. The time we went walking and he was behind me and just popped out with "Wow mom! You are doing great! We've walked a long way" Another time, I came out wearing a new outfit and he said "Wow mom! You are getting skinny!" It just dawned on me that he probably doesn't remember me at this weight. The last time I weighed under 350 lbs he was probably 5, if that old.
8. I LOVE that my progress seems to be motivating Tanner as well. I see him thinking more about his food choices and tracking his weight and I'm proud to finally be having a positive impact on his relationship with food and developing a more active lifestyle.
9. I love the fact that I mostly eat to fuel my body now. I still have the occasional craving, but I can often satisfy it with a tiny taste of whatever it is I'm craving. With all the halloween candy that was in our house, I allowed myself the tiniest bite of a snickers bar Tanner had (I'm talking miniscule bite). It was the first "cheat" I've had since surgery. Not only was I completely satisfied afterwards, but after the bite my reaction was kind of "meh, that was unnecessary." The old me couldn't have stopped at one candy bar much less one bite! It's awesome to not be ruled by my appetite/cravings anymore.
10. I will NEVER get tired of the sense of hope and excitement for my future that I have now. When you have lived several years basically resigned to the fact that you probably will never get the weight off and you really are DONE living at the ripe old age of 38, 39, 40...to have that hope back is indescribable.

My 15 Minutes...

2010-11-07T14:24:00.000-06:00

Last night I went to set the alarm on my phone (of course forgetting about the time change which means I was up an hour earlier than I should have been this morning…don’t you hate when that happens?) and saw that I had three voicemails that I hadn’t listened to. I’m horrible when it comes to listening to my voicemails. If someone calls me, I’m more apt to just call them back without listening to the message…I know, it’s annoying for most of my friends because when I call THEM, I ramble on until the voicemail gets rude and breaks in with the “Let’s wrap this up because you only have 30 seconds left on this message” message.

So, I call my voicemail and listen to my messages. The second one is from some woman who does the PR for my surgeon. She said that the local TV station is going to be doing an interview with Dr Duperier on the 18th highlighting the VSG and how it can help people with Diabetes. She goes on to say that when they asked him if he had a patient he might like to interview with, he thought of me immediately! Wow! I was pretty floored, but honored that he would think of me for an opportunity like this.

I called the woman back this morning and she explained that they really wanted someone whose life had been dramatically changed by the surgery and of course I confirmed the amazing changes I’ve experienced in the 5 months since my own surgery. I told her that I would be happy to do the interview with him so it looks like it is going to happen November 18th!

I’m scared to death because I tend to get diarrhea of the mouth (I know, shocker) when I’m nervous and any filter I might normally have between my brain and my mouth disappears. This condition has been loosely diagnosed as Foot-in-mouth disease. The segment is going to be rather short (1-2 minutes) and I’m sure Dr Duperier is going to do most of the talking so how much trouble can I get myself into REALLY? If you know me, don’t answer that!

Overall, I am very honored to know they thought of me and I am excited to share whatever I can about how the VSG surgery has changed my life in such a short period of time. It is exciting to think that someone might see this segment and how it has changed my life and possibly motivate them to begin their own adventure down the same path.

Just call me "Grace"

2010-11-07T09:18:00.004-06:00

Note: I meant to post this Saturday so keep that in mind reading this post.

Well, I seem to be recovering from whatever ailment I had last week. I had a minor setback yesterday at lunch though. I had some buffalo wings left over from a Pizza Hut order the night before and had three at lunch. You know how much meat is on those things (not much). I’m lucky if it was an ounce of chicken between all three, but I honestly think 2 is my absolute limit. I hadn’t had much that morning (just a protein shake, coffee and some crystal light) so I figured I’d throw one more in there to get more protein in. I ate too fast and I think it must have gotten stuck because 10 minutes later I was in the bathroom with the “foamies.”

Basically, the “foamies” are when you get nausea and vomiting, but nothing really comes up…just kind of foamy spit (lovely I know). I had to log out of work a few hours early so that I could lie down. I tried to stick it out, but it soon became apparent that I might actually end up retching while I had a customer on the line which probably wouldn’t have been good for business.

When I woke up later, I was good as new so perhaps my stomach/intestines are still sensitive. They could actually still be a bit swollen which may mean I’m more likely to have things get “stuck.” I’ll just have to be careful and chew really well I suppose.

Prior to the chicken getting stuck, I had another exciting thing happen while trying to give our stubborn black lab his twice a day meds. He has gotten so stubborn that now, even if I manage to hide his pills in a pill pocket, piece of cheese or bread, etc. he will chomp it until it breaks apart and then eat everything BUT the darn pills; this from a dog that we have to keep from eating his own crap. Somehow his own crap is more appetizing than a few teeny tiny pills, go figure.

Lately, I have had to resort to forcing his mouth open, shoving the pill pocket back as far as I can and then closing his mouth and massaging his throat to get him to swallow. Yesterday, he somehow managed to spit it back out and Paxton (our pain in the rear Pomeranian) snatched it up and ran for my bedroom (he has a hoarding problem and keeps all his “treasures” under my bed where nobody can follow him…he needs help). I jumped up out of the chair to run after him and somehow managed to trip over my own feet falling knee first onto our ceramic tiled floor…yeah, felt great!

I must have scared the crap out of Paxton because he spit the pill pocket out and hid under my bed. Poor Thunder came over to check on me while I was trying to get over the worst of the initial pain and stayed with me until I pulled myself up. 5 months ago, there is NO way I could have pulled myself up off the floor UNINJURED and here I was, feeling as if I’d been hit by a semi yet able to get back on my feet without any special assistance. It is nice when you can find the positive in a painful and embarrassing experience isn’t it?

Today, my body literally aches all over. I’m bruised and battered, but doing surprisingly well considering the impact my poor knee experienced yesterday. I can only imagine how bad that fall would have been 5 months ago!

Bike update and the trials and tribulations of converting our family to a Low Carb Lifestyle

2010-11-02T11:05:00.005-05:00

I just got off the phone with the guy we’ve been talking to about our bikes. I think I’ve decided to get both Tanner and I adult tricycles. Tanner has to have one because of his balance issues (from the meningitis) and I think that initially, it will work better for me since I have a history of back problems, etc. I also think it will be helpful since we will most likely be using our bikes to get around our immediate area at some point (get to the grocery store, local shops, maybe even to some karate classes down the street) and the tricycles will have a nice big basket on the back that can be used to transport groceries or whatever else we might need to take with us. I continue to lament being a single car household...it sucks.

Initially, I found an adult trike at Walmart that was around $250 and I thought we could probably just purchase that for both of us and save us quite a bit of money, but I recently learned that the trikes Walmart sells are only a one speed. Due to Tanner’s low muscle tone (also due to the meningitis...not to be confused with the general low muscle STRENGTH that comes from being just being lazy lol), he really will need the 3-speed. I’m thinking that initially, a 3-speed would probably be better for me as well as I work on increasing my own strength. The 3-speeds are going to cost us around $430 a piece of which I have $200.00 saved so far (some of that is money my grandfather gave Tanner for his birthday to put toward his own bicycle).

I would really like to get the bikes purchased in the next few months, but we’ll have to see. Something always seems to happen whenever we get ahead a bit financially which is frustrating, but that’s life. This recent hospitalization means I was out of work without pay for a week and Erik also was out of work (his night job) without pay. However, the good thing is that Erik’s second job (the day job) has him in a fairly consistent placement through the end of the year so we can count on his income to make up the difference. I also have another job I can work a few hours a day (it is monotonous as hell) that will help make up the difference so I’m sure we’ll be fine :)

On another front, our entire household is trying to convert to the low-carb lifestyle. I have to say that Erik has been fairly resistant to the whole switch (he’s always hated low-carbing because he is such a carb-o-holic) so it has been frustrating for me. He seems to be making more of a concerted effort now, but I can tell he really is not embracing the whole switch. Tanner isn’t exactly in love with it either, but has agreed to give it a try for at least the next month. We’ve had a few minor meltdowns when Tanner learned he couldn’t have mac and cheese, but I’m going to be trying some tofu shirataki noodles in the next week or so; we’ll see what he thinks of those.

I suggested trying to have us ALL on a lower carb diet because I really think it will help Tanner. He is on medication that makes him hungry all the time and I'm hoping that low carbing will help curb his appetite to some degree and give him more energy. Several years ago, the neurologist prescribing these meds indicated that he should probably be on a low carb diet, but at the time, we had bigger behavioral fish to fry. Right now, I'm mainly concerned about the fact that he hasn't been on a low carb diet but has been eating the meals I make in the evening and snacking on some of my low carb foods at other times. As most of you know, when you are on a low carb diet, you basically are changing the way your body metabolizes food and fat. While a low carb diet may be higher in fat, because your body is actually metabolizing it differently, you can still lose weight. As a matter of fact, trying to do a low carb, low fat diet often results in mediocre weight loss at best because you need to eat fat to burn fat when low carbing. However, if you are on a low fat diet and eat the occasional low carb meal (which is likely higher in fat), you are going to gain weight. My worry has been that Tanner will probably begin to put weight back on if he isn't low carbing with me. So we are experimenting and will have to see if the guys in the family survive. You'd think I was STARVING them with the moaning and complaining they've been doing lol! I'm hoping it will get easier as they get over their carb withdrawal.

I'm trying to make it easier on them by trying new recipes and I've actually had some success with quite a few so far. I made some banana nut flax seed muffins that turned out pretty good, but Tanner wasn't a fan of the banana flavor so I'm going to try and adapt it to a blueberry muffin or chocolate chip peanut butter muffin (made with SF chocolate and SF peanut butter of course) and see how he likes that.

Before I went into the hospital, I made some flax seed foccacia bread using this recipe, but I tweaked it a bit (I added some italian seasoning, minced onion and sundried tomatoes) and it tasted very similar to stove top stuffing so it may be a good holiday substitute for us this year. Yesterday, I made this mock baked potato casserole that I adapted from a sparkpeople recipe and Tanner went back for seconds so it is nice to know that he will accept some of the mock substitutes now and then. I made it with more green onion and didn’t include the bacon (mainly because I was lazy and didn't feel like cooking the bacon...I also had Tanner breathing down my neck for dinner lol). Honestly, it was a really flavorful substitute for mashed potatoes. The consistency was a bit off (a bit “softer” than I would like) so I may try to make it again and tweak it a bit until I’m happy with the consistency and then I’ll post it on my recipe blog.

On the weigh-in front...I'm back to 350 today so headed back down again which is good. Doing my best to stay hydrated. So far, so good!

Spent a few days in the hospital again...BOO

2010-10-31T10:12:00.005-05:00

Hey all. Sorry for my absence of late, but I have been one sick puppy. I mentioned that I just wasn’t feeling great the last few weeks and the bloodwork I had done may explain some of it. Apparently my thiamine (B1) was low and after looking up the symptoms that can be caused by low thiamine levels, I saw that it explained quite a few of the problems I was having:

"The most common symptoms of thiamine deficiency are irritability, fatigue, poor concentration and memory loss. These are the early thiamine deficiency signs. If the deficiency continues, then peripheral nueropathy can take place due to damage to the peripheral nervous system. The symptoms of this condition are muscle weakness, mainly in the legs, loss of sensation, and tingling or burning sensation in the legs."

I bolded the symptoms I was having in addition to the gastrointestinal problems the article goes on to describe as "other symptoms" of thiamine deficiency. So, I'm going to see about getting some B1 and start taking my supplements the way I should.

I don't know if the thiamine problem led to the problem that ultimately landed me in the hospital this week, but I suppose it could have contributed to it. Sunday night, I was in the ER because I thought I was developing a blood clot in my right calf. It had been tender to the touch and I wasn't sure if it was a clot or low potassium, but I continued to watch for signs of swelling, fever in the area, itching, etc. By Sunday night, my ankle had started to swell and itch and I mentioned it to Erik who freaked out and demanded that I go to the hospital. I tried to talk him out of it because honestly, I figured I would be fine until the next day. I had to work that night for a few hours and I just wasn't up to a trip to the ER. Erik wouldn't hear it though. Ever since my surgery, he's been extremely cautious when it comes to my health which I guess is a good thing. Anyway, he came home from work, we went to the ER where we spent about 4 hours.

They did an ultrasound of my leg, and I actually learned something I didn't know about blood clots...they aren't so concerned about clots in the peripheral or superficial veins (like the one we suspected was in my calf), but more in the deep veins that run along the front of the leg. The ultrasound didn't find a clot in those veins so they sent me home with orders to try to walk every couple of hours (since I'd been feeling like crap for over a week, I hadn't been getting much activity) and hydrate my body as much as I could since my blood was kind of thick which meant I was dehydrated (again!).

The next day my leg was actually feeling better so I thought I was on the mend. That night, I made dinner and by the time I sat down to dinner with the guys I just felt SO exhausted. Erik could hear it in my voice...it gets very hoarse when I'm super dehydrated (which makes sense really as my vocal folds are probably as dry as the rest of my body). I was talking to him about how I was feeling and was gesturing or signing (I can't remember) with my hands and I just dropped my hands in my lap and said "I'm so tired, even using my hands like this wears me out." He ordered me to keep drinking for the rest of the night and I agreed that dehydration was probably my biggest problem.

Some of you may wonder what my problem is with staying hydrated. Sometimes, it is just that I get busy and don't think about drinking. If I don't have something right by me, I get working and put it off until I've lost valuable hours of hydration opportunity, but lately I've been more diligent about making sure I always have something nearby.

Another factor that makes staying hydrated a challenge is that getting TOO much liquid on my stomach seems to make me nauseous. I can't drink straight water anymore (it upsets the Ph of my stomach and brings on instant nausea) so I always have to "doctor" it with at least a bit of lemon and stevia/splenda (I'm currently trying to switch from splenda to stevia and agave at the urging of my good friend Nick). So, I have to find the perfect "balance" between drinking enough to keep my body hydrated, yet not so much that it makes me nauseous. I still haven't gotten this down quite yet.

Finally, probably the BIGGEST foil to staying hydrated are my damn blood pressure meds. I've been on lisinopril HCTZ which has a diuretic in it so if I take it, it makes me instantly pee out most of the fluids I'm ingesting which means I have to drink twice as much as I probably would need to drink otherwise. My primary care doc recently prescribed the lisinopril without the diuretic, but I'm trying out the prescriptions by mail thing and it has taken them FOR-FREAKING-EVER to get my meds to me. I stopped my blood pressure meds for a week prior to the ER clot visit because of the hydration issues and my BP in the ER was super high so I had to start them again. I'm hoping the new BP meds come tomorrow. We'll see how I do without the diuretic. I'm hoping that the BP will eventually take care of itself as I get more weight off, but I don't know. I have a family history of high BP, so it may just be the luck of the draw. Regardless, getting the weight off and getting more active aren't going to make the problem worse right?

So....that brings us to Wednesday morning. I woke up for work and actually felt ok. I had absolutely NO appetite, but that isn't unusual for me really. I usually get signed in for work, get set up and then make myself a protein shake or coffee. I typically wait until my first break to make my breakfast. I noticed that I was having what felt like gas pains in my upper stomach area. It was the sort of pain/cramping that starts...gets worse as the gas expands an area of your intestine and then subsides. Although I'd only had a few bites of sausage and egg taco the night before (my first foray into low carb tortillas ...they were delicious by the way), I began to wonder if my rearranged guts were having a problem with the tortilla. I asked Erik how he was feeling and he mentioned that he wasn't feeling all that great either, but the night before he went on a binge that made me ill to watch so I couldn't really use him as a gauge. Tanner was fine so I couldn't figure out what was causing my problem. The pain seemed to get worse as time went by so I went and laid down in between calls hoping that if I straightened out, maybe the gas would work through my system. I even took some gas x strips to no avail.

I then realized that I had forgotten to take my effexor the day before and withdrawal from effexor can cause gastrointestinal problems so I took the pill and forced myself to eat a bite or two of the sausage and egg the night before to make sure it didn't upset my stomach. The food came right back up within a minute or two. I think it was at that point that I knew we weren't just dealing with a "gas" problem.

I told my supervisor that I wasn't feeling good and was going to have to go for the day and immediately called my doctor's office. The PA mentioned that sometimes bready products (even low carb products) can sometimes cause a blockage and that warm orange juice can sometimes help break it up. She made an appointment for me that afternoon, but told me to come in earlier if I had any other problems. I immediately warmed up some orange juice, took a few sips and within a minute was having a fairly violent vomiting episode. By then, I was shaking, white as a sheet and in such pain I was doing Lamaze breathing to cope. I texted Erik to come home and get me to the doctor.

We got to the doctor's office where they had me do a barium swallow. Even as sick as I was, I was AMAZED to SEE what my new stomach looked like on this test! Seriously guys, I had no freaking idea it was as small as it is. Just to give you a way to visualize it...my spine looked about the size of a sturdy PVC pipe and my stomach in comparison to that looked like a fuzzy piece of yarn...THAT THIN! Until she pointed it out, I was trying to figure out why the barium looked like it was going through a vein or artery when I knew it was moving through my digestive system. The "vein" was actually my stomach. Now granted, it wasn't full or stretched at all, but it certainly explains why a few bites fills me up...AMAZING.

We could see the barium work through my stomach and then just pool in an area just outside my stomach which made them think that I did have some kind of obstruction. They decided to admit me to the hospital so that they could get some bloodwork done and do a CT scan to see what was really going on.

They discovered that, once again, I was very dehydrated and started pumping me with fluids. I think I probably had about 5 bags of fluid before I even started peeing again (incidentally, I went into the hospital at 347 and came home at 358...I wasn't eating in the hospital so that should tell you how much they were pushing the fluids). The first CT they did showed that I had an area of my small intestine that was "thickened" and the blood supply to that area showed some irritation. They mentioned something about my white count being high and something else being out of whack. They said that what they saw could be caused by several different things ranging from a viral infection to Chron's disease. The only way to really diagnose the problem was to go in surgically, but of course nobody was interested in doing that right off the bat. They elected to keep me there for observation and redo the CT scan in a few days to see if it was resolving on its own.

That night I needed demerol to get any kind of sleep at all as the cramping was fairly constant. I seriously felt like I was in the final stages of labor as the pain had begun to radiate out to include my entire abdomen and back. Lying on my side hurt because any pressure on my abdomen hurt as if I had done a day's worth of situps or let someone use my abdomen for kick boxing practice. The demerol did help though and, apart from the fact that hospitals seem to think the middle of the freaking night is the perfect time to get all the ordered labwork done, I got some sleep.

To make this very long and probably very boring story just a tad shorter...I began to show improvement slowly. I was able to go for longer periods the next day without pain meds and soon, my bowel started talking to the nurses again and the next CT scan showed that whatever was going on in my small intestine seemed to be improving. The doctors are assuming I had some kind of infection in that section of my bowel which was probably complicated by the dehydration and I was discharged Friday evening.

Today is the first day I've felt somewhat like my old self although I'm still pretty gun-shy about eating. The last few days I lived on mashed potatoes and mac and cheese..totally NOT on my diet, but they were the only things that didn't make me want to hurl when I thought about eating. This morning I had a few bites of scrambled egg and chorizo and will probably attempt a protein shake here in a few minutes.

I think I'm probably over this latest hump, but I'd be lying if I didn't admit that it has really depressed me. I'll probably whine a bit more about that in another post though. I'll get over it and I'm sure as I start to feel better, it will subside, but for now....yeah I'm feeling pretty low :(

Incidentally, apart from the dehydration, I don't think this intestinal problem was due to the surgery at all. I probably would have gotten sick regardless of the surgery.

Weigh in and New Pics!

2010-10-19T17:43:00.004-05:00

I haven't been feeling great the last 4-5 days. I am betting it is just the ongoing dance I do with staying hydrated, I don't know. Lately, drinking seems to make me sick to my stomach. The one thing I've changed is I've been drinking more crystal light so maybe that is what is doing it. Before, I was doing pretty good on weak tea with lemon and a bit of splenda, so I'm going to go back to that and see how I feel.

The problem this has created is that I just don't feel good. Yesterday and today I got up, did my hair and makeup, got dressed with the intention of doing all kinds of errands, etc. Yesterday I ended up going to get my blood drawn (which may also shed some light on why I'm not feeling so great)and was going to get something to eat with Erik and head to goodwill to see about getting some new clothes (I can't see spending lots of money on NEW clothes I'm going to grow out of in a few months). After fasting for my bloodwork, I was pretty hungry when we got home around 10:30am with some breakfast. I had a few bites of scrambled egg, a few bites of refried beans, a few sips of coffee and I was done. About 10 minutes later I was really lethargic and kind of sick to my stomach so I went and laid down thinking I'd read for a bit and then try to head to goodwill when I felt better. I ended up taking a 2 hr nap and never really felt great for the rest of the day. Forget about walking...by the time Tanner got home, I was exhausted again and just not up to much of anything.

Today was pretty much the same although I didn't get out of the house at all today. Oh well, I did get ready and had Erik snap a few pics and take my measurements for posterity. Funny thing is...I think I look fatter in today's pics than I did in the last set. Maybe it is the new shorter haircut (which I'm still trying to perfect styling) or maybe it is the crazy smile I'm sporting (the dogs were cracking us up....every time Erik got ready to take a picture, they'd run over by me and he'd take the pic and then they'd run back to Erik as if they wanted to see how it turned out. As soon as he raised the camera up, they'd run back to get in the pic lol.) Anyway, here are my stats:

Weight loss since top weight: 116
Weight loss since Surgery: 68
Inches lost in the last month: 16.75
Total Inches Lost since 3/16/09: 37.50

Today's Pictures! you can click through to see a picture photo.

OMG I can't get the full body shots to show properly...they are either too big or too small. You should be able to click through and see them at photobucket though.

So there you have it! I'm still not seeing a HUGE change in my body. I know it is happening because I'm in smaller clothes and the measurements don't lie, but I'm just not seeing it. I'm feeling it though so I guess that is what counts. If I could just get rid of the nausea, I'd be a happy camper. I'll keep you guys updated on the blood work situation.

Also, I've been adding some recipes to my recipe blog lately so stop on by and tell me what you think. I'm only adding stuff that we really loved!

Guess what I did today?

2010-10-15T20:38:00.002-05:00

I bought tickets to fly on an AIRPLANE to go visit my family in Indiana!!!!! We are going the week of Thanksgiving and I haven't seen most of them since my mom died. Thanksgiving is always challenging for me because my mom passed away on Thanksgiving in 2002. Apart from Erik's family, as much as I love them, I really don't have any family nearby anymore and sometimes, going to spend time with Erik's family almost makes me miss my own family even more. I've been promising Tanner for the last 6-7 years that I would get him back up to see my Papa (his great grandfather), but kept having to put it off; mainly because of money, but also because there was no way I could handle the flight, changing planes, getting around the airport, etc.

I'm still a little worried about having to cram my ass into one of those airplane seats, but I arranged our seats so that I'm on the aisle and Tanner is in the middle. It probably won't be comfortable, but I think we'll live. Tanner is so excited about going and I can't wait to see every one :)

I'm still amazed daily at the strides I've made since surgery. I can't help but imagine where I'm going to be around this time next year...at goal maybe? If not, probably pretty close to it. Every single day, I feel more and more free to do what I want to do, be who I want to be. Would I give any of this up to be able to have a slice of cheese cake or eat a whole plate of mexican food? Of course not! Amazing that I willingly chose, for so many years, to put food ahead of my own mobility, freedom, & happiness. It would have been nice to have been able to arrive at this point without surgery, but I will always be grateful that there was SOMETHING available to help me get here. No regrets xx

Things are looking "Grim..."

2010-10-13T19:15:00.004-05:00

This came in today's mail. After the last two days I had, I needed a smile and this made me LOL (really it did Nick, that isn't a pity lol). I've mentioned Nick before in my blog, but some of you may not remember him. I'll list a few of his most important contributions to my success just to give you an idea about what he does behind the scenes of my blog to keep me motivated and on task:

1. Verbally kicks my rear end when I need to exercise, get back on my diet, blog, (insert anything else I have the tendency to procrastinate on).
2. Probably my biggest cheerleader during the last three years of trying to lose this weight. He literally is there to remind me of my goals and refocus my attention when I lose my way.
3. Has listened to countless vents, rants, whines and offers excellent advice always (even though I drive him nuts and sometimes ignore his advice only to vent, rant and whine again at some future time about the same problem...don't you hate people that do that?)
4. He is one of the funniest people I know and can usually make me laugh even when he's simultaneously providing a shoulder to cry on.
5. He sends me cards like this one a few times a year and doesn't make me feel horrible when I don't get around to mailing mine to him. (lori, back me up on this....it is one of my many flaws. Buying the card is one thing, actually hunting down stamps, signing the card, closing the envelope and then walking it aaaalllllll the way down the driveway to my mailbox is just way too many steps so I often wind up sending e-cards :(

These are just a few ways Nick has been an amazing friend and supporter of mine for the last three years. Thanks so much for all you do and for always making me smile Nick!! You are a sweetheart xxoo

Enjoying the Fall Weather and a Weigh In

2010-10-07T19:55:00.002-05:00

Tanner and I just got back from our second outdoor walk of the week. The Fall weather here in Texas has been beautiful this week and it is so nice to get out, get some fresh air and spend some time doing something with Tanner that didn’t involve the TV (what we usually did around this time of night). Our first walk in a while was this past Tuesday. Tanner was walking behind me and out of nowhere said “Wow mom! You are doing good!” I think he was noticing the fact that I was walking with a normal gait, no limps or labored steps…I was walking confidently and with a strength he hasn’t seen me sport in a long time. I could feel it myself.

The last time I attempted the same walk, I made it to a certain point with Erik and had to turn around because I knew I probably only had enough steam to get myself home. When I made it to that point I realized that I felt GREAT! I was feeling some fatigue in my legs, but it was normal fatigue really so we kept it up. By the time we got to the end of our street (something I had NEVER accomplished…the total walk round trip was just over half a mile) we were both pretty proud of ourselves. We turned around and talked about how we were going to have to text daddy and let him know as soon as we got home! We were so excited! By the time I got home, I definitely felt like I had gotten some exercise, but I felt awesome. I think the problems I had walking home from the doctor the other day had more to do with dehydration than my actual capabilities. I’m setting a goal of going for a walk with Tanner at least three times a week, but hope to do more.

I forgot to weigh in Tuesday by the way. I was at 355, but today I am at 357.8. I think it is just my body adjusting to the lack of the diuretic and me getting myself rehydrated. It sucks to see the scale move up even when I know it is just water, but I know it can’t be fat. I’m continuing to track my food intake and I’ve been doing just fine…calories staying under 800 per day, carbs under 30. I’m not worrying so much about fat lately. When I did atkins I never did and I lost like crazy on that. My doctor had cautioned me to keep both carbs and fat low, but honestly, I’ve noticed improved weight loss just monitoring calories and carbs so unless I see evidence otherwise, I’m going to continue.

OH! I completely forgot to tell you about last Saturday! I had another NSV. I went grocery shopping and bought $200 worth of groceries by myself!!! I had to sit down three times, but I think that was due more to the dehydration I was experiencing than true fatigue. Of course, at the time I thought I was just overestimating myself. Now that I’ve managed two semi-challenging walks without the same sort of fatigue, I’m convinced I am just weeks away from being able to do darn near anything I want to do WITHOUT needing a rest break. Quite a change from the days when I had to take a folding chair with me because I couldn’t stand for longer than 2 minutes.

Dehydration, Getting My Glam on, and Other Exciting Adventures this Weekend

2010-10-04T17:05:00.002-05:00

Five days into the month and I’m already slacking. I’m hopeless I know, but honestly I had a busy weekend AND I think I let myself get dehydrated. I’ve had several days of dizziness and episodes where my vision blacks out when I stand up too fast. My doctor has removed the diuretic from my blood pressure medication, but I won’t get that RX for a week or so. I made an executive decision to stop my BP meds yesterday. I just got so bad Saturday that by 5pm I thought I might have to make a trip to the hospital. It wasn’t near as bad as right after the surgery, but I just couldn’t seem to get myself rehydrated. I spent the whole day sipping on stuff and didn’t pee once. I think I finally started urinating again after consuming about 75 oz of liquid. I felt better by the time I went to bed, but yesterday I noticed that I was dragging again by noon and when it was time to cook dinner, I was having dizzy spells again…ugh!

It is my own stupid fault though. I’ve been very busy with work (as always, my 5 jobs keep me busy lol), but for the first time since surgery I finally have a surplus in my bank account…(of course Thunder has decided to completely fall apart on us, so I’m taking him to the vet tomorrow which I’m sure will eat up the rest of the surplus I was hoping to sock away for a new car). So anyway, I’ve been so busy that I often forget to drink. If I don’t get something to drink first thing in the morning with my coffee, I will put it off until the afternoon. I’ll be working and just think “I’m going to finish this one thing and then I’ll run and get something” and before I know it, it is lunch time and all I’ve had is a cup of coffee. You do that several days in a row while you are on a diuretic and you can quickly get into trouble and then play hell trying to re-hydrate yourself. I feel much better this morning so I am hoping that I’m finally catching up.

NOW to tell you about my exciting and busy weekend! Friday I was off and had to go to the doctor. Erik had to go to work and since we only have the one car, I decided I’d just walk. My primary care doctor is about a half mile away. I was a little nervous about it because I haven’t been walking much the last few weeks. I was having TOM issues again this month and, as ridiculous as it sounds, walking seems to make it worse. After 8 days of bleeding, you just aren’t in the mood to do anything that is going to make it worse. My doctor is putting me on provera every month to try and manage this problem, so we’ll see if that improves…but I digress lol.

SO, I decided I’d just walk to my doctor. Erik ended up dropping me off so I just had the walk home. It actually went pretty well, it was a beautiful morning for a walk, but I was worried about being too leisurely about it and overestimating my ability to walk an extended period of time so I tried to walk somewhat quickly. After a few minutes my lungs were on fire! I sat down on a bus bench at my street (which is about half way) and checked my phone. Erik had texted twice checking on me so I answered him telling him I was halfway home and catching my “breaf” on the bench. I finally figured that the lung problem was probably due to:

1. Being dehydrated and
2. Breathing through my mouth. Apparently, when you breath through your mouth, you dry out the air sacs in your lungs which cause the burning.

I sat there for a few minutes and then walked the rest of the way home. I was pretty tired by the time I got home, but after sitting down for a few minutes, I was back to normal. Before, I would literally have to take 5-10 minutes to recover from a mild walk like that. So, even though I am pitifully weak given the amount of weight I’ve lost already, I am making progress. I just need to be more consistent with my exercise regardless of my womanly troubles.

I’m I boring the crap out of you yet?

So, after my doctor’s visit, I went with my friend Shannon and signed up to be an AVON representative again. At the moment, I’m trying to save money for a new car (used, but something that will at least get us by for the next few years…our echo is on its last leg) and I really want to get bikes for both Tanner and I. I have sold AVON off and on over the years and really love their products and I got to thinking that I could start selling AVON and put that money towards our bikes. Sooooo, yes….if you don’t mind taking a look at my website and need something I’m selling, it would be great if you could purchase through my site. Don’t worry, I’m not going to be pressuring anyone to support me (I’m not a fan of bloggers who put their Amazon wishlists on their blogs…tacky), but I may put a little click through link on the side of my blog. I may also review a few products here and there, but only if they are applicable to my blog in some way. If I start to get obnoxious about it, let me know lol!

I forgot to mention that I got into another shirt I never thought would look good on me (mine is red...it's my signature color)! What was cool was that I got dressed, after doing my makeup and hair that morning and walked in to see what Erik thought and he actually did a double take and said “Wow!” I guess the shirt really showed off the weight loss so I was lovin’ that! I felt so pretty all day long so after our consultation with AVON, Shannon ran me over to the nail salon where I treated myself to a pedicure and manicure. BTW, the first thing the guy that does my nails said was “You look different!” He redeemed himself with those three words!

While I was getting beautified, I texted Erik about going out to dinner with Tanner. I know I just said we are trying to save for the car and bikes, etc, but I hadn’t really done anything for myself since the surgery (hence the mani/pedi) and we hadn’t gone out as a family in ….forever. I was feeling beautiful and I wanted to share that beauty with the rest of San Antonio! So, they picked me up and we went to Red Lobster. Don’t ask me how we ended up there of all places (because my carb addict husband and son love their biscuits perhaps?). I indulged a bit and had a drink which was nice, but probably full of carbs and empty calories. Oh well, I was rehydrating! Yeah, I need my liquid nutrition! I ordered this lobster, shrimp combo so that I could share with Tanner. I think I had a stuffed mushroom, a couple bites of salad, two small shrimp, two bites of lobster and one larger grilled shrimp. I was STUFFED! Seriously, that is a binge for me.

We had so much fun though! It was nice to be out in public and not feel like I was the largest person there. I mean, I probably still WAS the largest person there, but I’m slowly starting to approach your average fat person where before I was definitely circus-sized.

I guess I’ll stop here since this post is already two pages long. I’ll tell you about the excitement of Saturday in tomorrow’s post!

Bigfoot Hunting and Other Things You Can Do After Weightloss

2010-09-30T18:55:00.004-05:00

Actual transcript of conversation that occurred between Tanner and I this week:

Tanner: Mom?
Me: Yeah?
Tanner: When you get skinny…?
(this has become a regular topic of conversation lately…we enjoy talking about the sort of things we are going to do as I lose weight and get healthier)
Me: Yes?
Tanner: Can we go on a Bigfoot hunt?
(this, however, is the first time he’s proposed this sort of activity)
Me: Uhh, yeahhhhhh….No. That sounds like the perfect activity for you and your dad though.
(I blame Erik for letting him watch all those crap conspiracy shows, ghost hunter shows, etc. As I write this they are watching Destination Truth. This particular episode is about the Chupacabra, so I suspect he may propose a Chupacabra hunt at some point in the next few days)
Tanner: (waiting for a few moments) Uhh mom?
Me: Yeah sweetie?
Tanner: Why not?
Me: Sigh…because that just isn’t my sort of thing honey, I think Dad would have more fun doing that.
(a few minutes pass by as he sits behind me as I sort out my office)
Tanner: Mom?
Me: Yes?
Tanner: What about if we go hunting aliens?
Me: Nah, I don’t think that’s my cup of tea either.
Tanner: What are you talking about? I thought you liked aliens?
Me: Oh I LOVE aliens, but I’m just not the sort of person to go hunting them down.
(Tanner’s face drops immediately and then in a defeated voice)
Tanner: I can’t believe you mom! I thought you were a science genius! :(

I guess, no matter how awesomely gifted your parents are, we are just destined to disappoint our kids at some point. I did feel bad, but I do have many other things I’m looking forward to as I get this weight off. We’ve talked about going to the county fair, visiting SeaWorld, Fiesta Texas, Disney World. Taking vacations, buying bikes and riding after he gets home from school. Those are just a few of the things we’ve discussed.

I also realized the other day that I am actually enjoying the seasons as they change. It just kind of hit me as I sat there. I was looking forward to Fall, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas. It kind of surprised me because I hadn’t realized that, in the last several years, I hadn’t really looked forward to these things. Why? Because, when you are stuck in your house, changing seasons…special seasonal activities…parties, etc. All those things really cease to exist. When you don’t leave your house for weeks at a time, what does it matter if the weather cools off or if the trees start to turn different shades? Who cares if so-and-so is having a cool Halloween party or if the family is getting together for Thanksgiving? Every day is just like the last no matter what time of year it is.

It isn’t that I didn’t KNOW my weight was having this effect on my quality of life, but it just hit me like a ton of bricks how much my perspective has changed since losing some weight. Not only that, but for the first time in a very long time, actually BELIEVING that I’m going to get the rest of it off. It is as if I’ve been living in a beige world for the last 10 years and slowly things are coming into Technicolor focus. As all of this slowly dawned on me, I realized I was smiling. Smiling is good.

Three month surgiversary! Woot!

2010-09-29T19:17:00.002-05:00

I know it has been WAY too long for an update and I apologize. I think about stuff I want to blog about daily, but I’ve just been so busy with work when I finally get a few minutes to just chill, I just want to get away from the computer for a while. I’ve also had some fatigue lately that I think had a little bit to do with the two weeks of crappy rainy weather we had and my body preparing for yet another lovely cycle. I’ll spare you the details this time around, but it is slightly improved. I’m still thinking I may have to call my doctor for more provera just to put an end to it. Frustrating!

I also think some of my fatigue is due to getting back on my blood pressure meds. One day, I forgot to take it until later in the day and I was fine…until I took it and then a few hours later, I started feeling tired again and just overall muscle fatigue. However, I saw the doctor today and my blood pressure was something like 124/84 so I apparently need to be on it for now. I’ve just decided that I’m going to have to get my exercise out of the way first thing in the morning when I’m feeling better.

So, today is actually my 3 month surgiversary and I officially weighed in at 358. I’m down a total of 59 lbs since surgery, a total of 107 lbs since my top weight. I’m going to try to include some recent pictures below, but if you can’t see them, go to my photobucket album. The outfit I’m wearing is one I bought in a smaller size. I couldn’t even get it over my head when I bought it and now it is on the big side. In the profile I’m pulling it closer so that you can see better. I think I’m finally starting to see it :)

And Just to Refresh your Memory: Me Three Months Ago

Speaking of clothes being too big, Erik and I went through my closet and pulled out all the clothes I was wearing pre-surgery and boxed them up. I’m going to put them on craigslist and see if anyone else can use them. I’ve gone down about 2-3 sizes so far, so they had really gotten way too big. It was kind of scary getting rid of them. I know that is just the part of me deep down inside that keeps whispering (how long do you think you can keep this up?) It was because I still hear that voice whispering in my head occasionally that I decided to get rid of my bigger clothes. I don’t want to have those clothes to “fall back on” if that voice starts to get a bit louder so I made the decision to remove them from my closet and life and while it was scary, it was also all kinds of AWESOME! Can I just say that it is pretty awesome to be getting into new clothes? It’s like I get to go shopping in my closet every day…fun stuff!

What else? I did see my doctor today for my 3 month check up, but it was really not that big a deal. I was supposed to get some lab work done, but someone forgot to tell me so we didn’t have a lot to talk about. The doctor I saw was very happy with my weight loss and said that I was doing great. While I was going up to their office, I got on the elevator with another woman who I assumed was probably going to the same office. It was like looking at myself 3 months ago. I could have been imagining it or projecting a bit, but I could almost see the same sort of sad emptiness behind her eyes that I felt visiting their offices pre-surgery. I just wanted to throw my arms around her and give her a huge hug and tell her what an amazing journey she’s about to embark on. I settled for introducing myself and striking up a conversation with her instead. She had done about a year and a half of research and finally decided on this practice. I shared my experience with her and when I ran into her again on my way out, we exchanged phone numbers and emails. I hope I hear from her again.

Ok, almost time for me to work again and I want to spend a little time with Tanner before he heads off to bed. My goal for this month is to blog every single day. I know crazy right? We’ll see how I do…ride my disappearing arse if I go too long without an update!

Seein' Doctors and Losing Weight

2010-09-16T12:22:00.004-05:00

Note: I was going to try to find a funny little cartoon about going to the gynecologist and made the mistake of image googling "gynecologist" without the porn filter on :P Now I'm a little sick to my stomach. Hope you don't mind the blog sans funny cartoon!

Ok so last week, I spent a lot of time in doctor’s offices. I scheduled an appointment with my gyno’s nurse practitioner and learned that she was also a fellow bariatric patient. She had the RNY, but was interested to hear about the sleeve. I wasn’t sure if she was going to be able to do a pap that day although the medication she prescribed had pretty much stopped the bleeding I was experiencing. I think after talking to me a bit and noticing that it had been five years since my last pap, she figured she better strike while the iron was hot so she sent me off with my superman cape and told me to get nekkid.

I love the things they talk to you about while they are inserting the speculum and basically probing around in your privates: “So what do you do for a living?” “Are you from San Antonio?” “Do you live nearby?” All of these questions you are obligated to answer as if you were merely standing in line at the grocery counter and not spread eagled with lots of equipment and appendages in your hoo-ha. I did my best to answer her questions and when she complimented me on my “nice long cervix” I thanked her and told her that I got compliments on it all the time (I didn’t really, it was one of those things I thought of later and wished I had said). I mean seriously? Later when I told Erik what she had said I made some stupid joke about it being something he could brag to his friends about: “Yeah my wife may weigh a few hundred pounds, but MAN if you could see her cervix you’d understand!”

She seemed to think everything was ok, but wanted me to go for an ultrasound and since I’m 40, she wanted me to get in for a mammogram (BTW blogging buddies, Breast Cancer Awareness Month is coming up in October so go get yourself squished!).

I’ve had the ultrasound (which was SO uncomfortable….they always are…I’ll spare you the details for once) and heard back from my gyno. Apparently my uterine lining (which can build up in people with PCOS and put them at risk for endometrial cancer) was pretty thin so she isn’t sure whether they will need to put in an IUD (the NP had suggested it as a way to keep the lining from building up and I was all for it because it meant NO PERIOD YAY). My doctor was concerned that if we did an IUD it might actually cause break through bleeding since the lining was so thin to begin with. Anyway, we are going to wait and see how the next cycle goes before taking any action.

I have my mammogram this Saturday so fingers crossed there. I’ve had mammograms before so I know what to expect…a perky little cheerleader who is going to have to act as if my mammoth breastages are just as lovely as hers! Oh well, they will be SOME DAY! By the end of this week, I should be fairly thoroughly checked out.

I almost forgot, remember the cyst from hell? Yeah it is still giving me problems so I went in to see a dermatologist this time around. She lanced it and injected some steroids so hopefully it will go away already!

Hmm, what other repulsive medical information can I share with the masses and ensure my single status for the rest of my life? I think that’s about it guys sorry…my well of disgusting factual tidbits has run dry.

On the weight loss front, I am down to 366!! Today I was actually 367, but I think that is because I came back off my blood pressure meds. OH! I forgot to tell you…when I went to the gyno, my blood pressure was up a bit 130/100 :S She advised that I go back on my BP meds which I did for several days, but I felt pretty crappy the days I took it. Very similar to when I had to be hospitalized, but not nearly as bad. I just had NO energy, really tired almost to the point that talking at the end of the day would wear me out. Lately, I’m used to feeling super energized so I stopped them yesterday and I’m going to try to find some time to get into my regular doc to have my BP taken to see if maybe that one time was just a flukey thing.

Because of the lack of energy, I haven’t been getting on the treadmill the last few days, but I HAVE been doing a whole lot more around the house. My mom would die to know how much I am enjoying housework now that I can actually do it again. I think Erik is enjoying it too lol. I’ve also been trying out a lot of new recipes. We had a low carb version of salmon patties last night (I used almond flour instead of breadcrumbs and flour) and they turned out alright. I think I’m going to have to add something (lemon pepper and maybe squeeze a little lemon juice on them afterwards). They were just ok. I also tried this baked cauliflower which turned out fairly horrible. I don’t recommend it :P

As far as weight loss goes, I have posted a projected weight I want to be at for each month and I’m darn close to where I want to be by next Thursday which will be my 3-month mark since surgery. The goal weight is 359. I might be able to do that, but I’m going to have to step up the exercise for sure. Even if I don’t make it, just being this close is pretty awesome. I have figured that if I continue to lose the way I have been, I could be under 300 by the end of the year. We’ll have to wait and see though.

FINALLY...an update!

2010-09-12T12:27:00.003-05:00

I have been incredibly busy the last week with work and doctor's appointments. As I type this I am headed out the door to grab some hours at the pool before Erik has to leave for work. I hope to post more about the past week later tonight, but wanted to share a link to my snapfish album where I have all my progress pics up.

Honestly, apart from the face, I'm not seeing much change in the body, but I think it has more to do with the clothes I'm wearing in the pics. I KNOW my body is changing because I've actually moved down into the next size clothes in my closet!! The outfit I am wearing in the pictures from yesterday was one I couldn't even get on a few months ago. The arms were skin tight and I couldn't even button the shirt. I can't tell you how exciting it is to be able to choose some of these outfits...some of which have been sitting in my closet for YEARS, price tags still on 'em, the whole nine yards. I'm also enjoying doing my hair, which you'll notice needs to be cut...I'm planning a day of pampering next Saturday and trying to decide whether I'm going to go lighter (more blond-ish) or stay with my brunette color. I'm thinking lightening it up may help camouflage any hairloss I will probably start to experience in the next few weeks (It notoriously starts around month 3)...but I digress :) I was saying that now, I am starting to enjoy getting dressed up, putting on makeup, doing my hair and just overall taking pride in my appearance again.

Ok, I am currently being stalked by my favorite teenager who has donned his swimming trunks and is literally breathing down my neck because I have yet to put on MY swimming attire. I'll be back later though with more updates on the past week. Hope everyone is enjoying their Sunday!

WARNING: Today's Post may Nauseate some Women and Most Men!

2010-09-02T16:28:00.002-05:00

The past few days have been horrendous! I have to apologize up front for sharing way too much info, but if there are any other PCOSisters who read my blog and are thinking about having this surgery, it might be of some interest to them. Essentially, Aunt Flo came for a visit and she was ROYALLY ticked off! See, apparently she hadn’t been invited for some time on account of the PCOS and all the weight I had gained so she made up for lost time and did some heavy duty done some spring/fall cleaning in my uterus BIG TIME.

For the past four days, I have bled and bled and bled….and bled; like I’ve been hemorrhaging…seriously. If you have had the great misfortune of being within earshot of me, it is all I’ve managed to talk about because it has become an all consuming problem. Every single time I use the bathroom it winds up looking like a murder scene which requires that I get down on my hands and knees and clean like I’ve just taken on a job with Sunshine Cleaners or something. I’ve felt so bad, I haven’t exercised all week and I’ve decided to consider the exercise I’m getting going to and from the bathroom, up and down off the toilet and then later the floor after I clean as my exercise for the week. And for those of you who think that might be stretching the definition of exercise…let me just warn you, this week may not be the week to voice your opinions ok?

Erik just LOVES hearing all about the return of my menstrual cycle; especially because he got to make an emergency pad and tampon run for me yesterday. I don’t know about your husband, but mine just LOVES stocking up on feminine hygiene products for me in his spare time. Here is how our text conversation went:

11:00 AM me: omg erik, you get off early today right?
11:06 AM Erik: 1:20 why?
11:10 AM me: I need you to stop and get me some pads and tampons. I've only been up four hours and I've had to change both four times. This is unreal :P
11:11 AM + Erik: Oye! Text me all the info, size, color, quantity
11:13 AM me: ok lol
11:18 AM Tampons are Playtex gentle glide...whatever they have for the heaviest flow prob super. NO deoderant tampons though. Pads are Always Maximum Protection Maxi With Flexi-Wings. They will probably be in a blueish package with a red colored bar along the bottom, but the pads will be wrapped in a peach colored plastic. Get two boxes/pgs of each
11:30 AM + Erik: Omg! I'll do my best
me: can you grab some pork rinds too? I'm going to try to make eggplant parmesan tonight lol
11:59 AM +Erik: Sure

Of course he came home with the wrong pads AND the wrong tampons. Poor guy, I joked with my aunt that he was going to have to go up to the cashier with pads, tampons and pork rinds. I kidded him about STILL getting the wrong stuff even though I went to all the trouble to tell him exactly what I wanted and he replied “TOUGH! Grab a rag then, guess your ass is going to be living back in the stone age for the rest of the week!” Hehe, no matter how much I bitch about him, he does come through when I really need him doesn’t he?

I’m just assuming that this is my body getting back to “normal” after several months/years of very irregular periods due to my weight. I also know that every pound I lose releases more estrogen into my system and that probably has something to do with it as well. Regardless, I’m booking an appointment with my gynecologist next month just to make sure Aunt Flo is taken care of because I can’t handle her in this mood if she’s going to be making a monthly appearance!

PS. As of today I’m down to 378 :) Guess massive blood loss is worth an ounce or two hmm?

If you aren’t totally grossed out by today’s confessional, here’s a website that might inspire some fun with the kiddies.

Momentum

2010-08-30T12:00:00.003-05:00

I think I may finally be headed under the 380’s for good. I didn’t weigh myself in the last few days, but the last time I weighed myself I was at 379.something. It is that time of the month, we’ll see what the scale says tomorrow.

I have been crazy busy the last few days working. I’ve mentioned before that I work a FT job and a part time job and I recently have started getting some freelance writing work which has kept me pretty busy the last week or so. I’m pretty excited about the work actually although most of what I’m doing is working for content mills, but I actually got a job doing some real writing on a topic that I’m fairly familiar with and it pays fairly well. I just turned in my first 5 articles so we’ll see if they think I’m good enough to give anymore work to. Either way, I’m grateful for the work as we are feeling the pinch financially (from being off a month after the surgery), but honestly..it isn’t as bad as I thought it would be. I’ve managed to get enough work done on these new jobs that I think it will help us catch up. It just means that I have even less time to do stuff in my “spare time”…whatever that is lol!

One thing I am NOT doing is letting all the work interfere with my working out. I use my lunch hour to get at least a 20 minute walk on the treadmill in and if I can manage to get the car from Erik (I have to drive him to work and pick him up at midnight when he gets off), Tanner and I go to the gym or the pool at the YMCA and get another workout in.

I wanted to mention that recently I’ve had some challenges…just slight cravings or having something in the house that I wouldn’t mind a little bit of. We’ve had this bottle of regular pepsi in our fridge since we had some friends over for Pizza a few weeks ago and the other day, I wanted a taste of it so bad! I was a coke fiend in my former life (I’m referring to the soda of course) and I haven’t had any since before the surgery. We really aren’t supposed to drink carbonated beverages at all because the gas could cause stretching of our stomach and probably make us fairly uncomfortable overall. Anyway, in addition to the soda, erik ran and got breakfast for himself and Tanner the other day (from the Mexican place I practically own stock in) and he grabbed me this breakfast plate I got occasionally. It comes with this ridiculously large amount of scrambled eggs that has salsa and cheese and bits of bacon I think (all ok on my diet by the way), a side of refried beans, and another large side of the BEST potatoes/hashbrowns. I think it also comes with two tortillas….seriously this could probably feed at least three people comfortably. I can’t believe I used to polish off the whole thing almost by myself.

Anyway, Erik must have kept the tortillas, but the potatoes were still there. The whole time I’m eating I’m looking at the potatoes thinking….a nibble won’t hurt. They haven’t said that I CAN’T have carbs, I just need to track them and keep them under a certain number. However, one of the main rules is protein first so I ate 4-5 bites of the eggs and a few spoonfuls of the beans and by the time I was done, I really didn’t see a point in tasting the potatoes. I realized I was full and just packed it back up and put it into the fridge for later. There was so much food left over, I probably could have lived off that one meal (not including the potatoes) for at least 4 more meals…I’m not kidding. I had a little more of the egg before we headed to the pool just to make sure I had some protein on my stomach and then Tanner finished it off for breakfast the next morning. If you are wondering what happened to the pepsi, it is still in our fridge. I haven’t had that either. I think I’ve just decided that watching the scale drop each day (even in minute increments) is SO much more fun than giving in to those cravings. I know that some day, I’ll be able to have those things in moderation so what’s the hurry? At some point, if I do give in to a craving, I’m making sure it goes in my sparkpeople account so that I know exactly what it cost me for the day. Since the surgery, I’ve diligently kept my food log there and it really has been invaluable to me for keeping my eye on the prize.

I guess I’m “confessing” this because I want anyone who reads this to know that bariatric surgery is most definitely NOT the magic pill. You still have to deal with head hunger and all the other hang-ups you had about food pre-surgery. While the VSG has helped me feel like a normal person for the first time in my life (eating more to FUEL my body rather than to FILL some empty place inside myself), I still have to exercise will power each and every day to eat the things I know my body needs, not what it thinks it wants. I have to make myself get on that treadmill or out to the pool every day. It may be easier, but it definitely isn’t easy. Would I be where I am today without the surgery though? I doubt it. I feel like this behemoth of a rock that was poised at the top of a very long hill just ready to start my descent, but nothing seemed to be able to nudge me in the right direction. That is what the VSG did…it gave me the nudge and initial momentum I needed to start my descent down the hill. Now I just have to keep the momentum going and guess what? For the first time in my life I KNOW that I will do this!

Late Update!

2010-08-26T16:36:00.004-05:00

I wanted to post the above picture so that you guys could see how awesome Tanner is doing. He continues to work out hard and follow our eating plan without too many complaints and he is really enjoying all the accolades he is getting for his new look! It is so exciting to see!! The before pic is actually from last year, but essentially, it still shows off his weight loss. He may have even gotten a bit heavier since the top picture was taken.

I have to apologize for being so derelict in my blogging duties. I meant to update things Tuesday for my two month surgi-versary, but kept waiting for Erik to take my pictures and get my measurements. He’s working his second job now, so it was tough trying to coordinate our schedules. I tried to enlist a friend to come over, but both of my off days, something came up and she wasn’t able to make it. I finally did get Erik to take my measurements and I'm including them below. I can't believe it is up to 20" already! Awesome!!

I only lost a pound this week, but considering I lost 7 last week, I’m not going to complain (too loudly). I think I may be around that time of the month so I could be retaining water. My back has been sore for the last week…not sure if that is due to the period that may be on its way or what. It has kind of impacted my workouts, but not too badly.

I am currently up to 20 minutes at a time on the treadmill. I hate every single second of it, but I do it! Treadmill walking just isn’t any fun, but right now, it helps to have a little support for my back vs. walking outside. I’ve also been going to the pool and continuing my workouts there so I know I’m doing all I can to facilitate my weight loss.

Another reason I have been reluctant to blog is because I have been had a pretty crappy attitude. Some stuff happened with Erik over the weekend, nothing major, just annoying crap that happens when two people live together and he always has a hard time adjusting to working his second job (he doesn’t work it over the summer) so he gets kind of whiney about it which is annoying because I am working just as much as he is. It probably doesn’t help that I could possibly be PMSing so more sensitive than usual, but I just wasn’t in the mood to get on here and be a negative nelly.

Overall, I am very pleased with my progress so far. Waiting on the cups of the 380’s/370’s and can’t wait to cross over finally! I doubt I’m going to hit my goal of 375 by the end of the month, but I’m doing everything I possibly can to get there so we’ll see!

If you didn’t see, I did add a recipe to my recipe blog and hope to update several more over the next couple of weeks. I’ve tried some new ones recently that were very good so I can’t wait to share them!

Hope everyone else is doing well in your own weight loss journey :)

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Unexpected side effect of my WLS

2010-08-19T19:55:00.001-05:00

I wanted to take this opportunity to tell you another wonderful side effect of this surgery. It has absolutely nothing to do with me though. Since I started getting serious about this surgery and working towards losing the 30 lbs I had to get off pre-surgery up to now, Tanner has lost almost 20 lbs!

We really started changing the way we ate; cooking more at home, limiting eating out to one day a week (Friday) provided Tanner worked out at least 5 days the preceding week and ate healthy the rest of the time. A friend warned me against rewarding him with food, but I mentioned that I thought the lesson in this exercise was more about how you CAN indulge once in a while as long as you are eating healthy and being physically active the rest of the time. Initially, it was a shock to Tanner’s system (more his head than anything else) because we ate out quite a bit as a family and he wasn’t all that thrilled with eating “boring” meals at home. Starting off, we did a lot of lean cuisines at home because I was still pretty exhausted and cooking took a lot out of me so I can’t say that I blame him referring to dinner time as boring. Now that I’m feeling healthier, I have been able to create quite a few recipes and borrow others from the internet which makes him feel like we are indulging without really breaking our caloric bank. I hope to eventually start adding these to my recipe blog. I’ve put it off because I always forget to take pictures when I’m cooking, but I think I’ll just start uploading what we are eating because I know low carbers (VSGers in particular) are always looking for ways to get their protein in. Don’t get the wrong idea though…what I’m eating isn’t Martha Stewart special by any stretch of the imagination.

Not only has Tanner been walking on the treadmill at home (at least 30 minutes at a time, often almost an hour), but often elects to walk without even being reminded to walk! He has also been going swimming with me almost every day and taking a water aerobics class with me. He gets excited every time he weighs himself and sees the numbers going down. It really is cool and I’m hoping this might mean that I can still have a positive impact on his diet and exercise habits before he gets too old and moves out on his own. Guess we’ll have to see.

You look same!

2010-08-18T20:35:00.004-05:00

Sorry guys, got this almost written and meant to post yesterday, but got busy with school stuff. Incidentally, I think I've just decided that I won't be able to take any classes this semester. I won't be able to get my loan processed and approved in time to pay for classes and books. This means that I most likely won't get the classes done in time to apply to nursing school next November (for admission May of 2012.) The upside is that, by the time I can take my classes, Erik will probably have his Interpreting certification which means he will be making more money. He has said that because I put him through 3-4 years of school while we were married (he wasn't working at the time), he will make up the difference financially so that I can maybe work part time and focus more on school when it is my turn.

I also got to thinking about how rushing to get these courses in before November was probably going to stress me out. I needed to take two courses in the Fall, Spring, and Summer(meaty courses) and I know that if I got overwhelmed, my workout would be the first thing to go. I took it as a sign that, as excited as I am about getting back in school, I need to stay focused on getting healthier. Not to mention that, by the time I actually am able to get into nursing school, I'm going to be a thin, hot sexy version of myself who will be able to run circles around all those 20-something students I'll be attending with ;)

Ok, now for yesterday's post:

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This week’s weight loss is a whopping 7 lbs people!! The biggest change is that I have been much more active so I’m definitely going to be keeping that up. Can you believe it? I am now down a total of 80 lbs!! I actually stepped on the scale last night (when I seem to weigh the least for some reason) and I was at 383, but this morning I was back at 385, but I am extremely happy with that number. Excited about the prospect of being in the 370’s next week or the week after! I would love to hit 375 by the end of the month, so we’ll see.

Since my last blog post, I’ve been busy working out and trying to see if I can get registered for some classes online. As far as working out, I am now up to 15 minutes at a time on the treadmill and doing at least 25-30 minutes a day PLUS going to a water aerobics class 2-3 times a week PLUS just going to the pool and walking the pool. I feel AMAZING! I have so much more energy and actually look forward to working out. Even Tanner has jumped on the bandwagon. This summer, he has lost about 15 lbs and he is starting to hop on the treadmill himself without any prodding from me! I can’t wait to get our bikes so that we can start going for bike rides this fall.

Today as a reward for hitting 80 lbs lost, I went and got a pedicure. I was so excited because my toes looked hideous! I couldn’t wait to get them all buffed and filed and polished..not to mention the leg massage! Tanner came along so that he could get his hair cut next door. He wasn’t happy about it either, he wants to grow it out, but he has his daddy’s hair and it doesn’t really get long…it just gets bushy. I was past tired of looking at it so I insisted that he come with me and get it done. He tried to argue about it, but I told him if he said one more word about getting his hair cut I’d tell them to shave his head. Instantly he said, “I was just teasing mom, I wasn’t really mad!” Heh, yeah, that’s what I THOUGHT! ;)

I head back to the nail place with a smile on my face, already feeling the bubbly water caressing my feet, the massage chair working out all the sore muscles from all the working out I’ve been doing. I walk in and they escort me to the chair. I mention to the man doing my pedi that I haven’t been in for a while because I had surgery so my feet looked horrible. He smiles and asks me what surgery I had. I tell him a little bit about the VSG and he says “Oh, so you will be losing a lot of weight yes?” (he’s Vietnamese). I tell him I hope so and indicate that I had already lost 32 lbs with a huge smile on my face. He cocks his head and looks at me quizzically as he says “You look same!” Gotta love their ability to say whatever the heck is on their mind (you may remember this post…I don’t have good luck at nail salons obviously.) I thought it was funny though because I really don’t think he was trying to be mean; I think it is just a cultural thing. He later mentioned that I had good feet for a fat person (because they aren’t super thick on the bottom lol), so that has to count for something right ;). He was also very sweet to Tanner who was talking his ear off about all things asian (anime, manga, china, japan, where Vietnam was, what he eats, etc so I guess we weren’t all the politically correct either).

Erik and I always joked that we could never take Tanner to Japan or China when he was younger (Tanner’s pick whenever we talked about where we would like to travel) because he’d be trying to karate chop everyone or asking them if they “speak Chinese food” (he actually asked an asian person this once…thankfully they had no clue what he said). If he wasn’t doing those two things, we were certain he’d be asking everyone if they knew Jackie Chan. Asia was definitely off limits years ago and I’m not too sure it is still off limits for our family :)

Bariatric Advantage Supplements, how do I hate thee? Let me count the ways

2010-08-12T14:01:00.004-05:00

Ok, so I've been rather Pollyanna-ish since my surgery. Please don't take this post to mean that I am headed down the long and bumpy trail of negativity, but I just have to get this out of my system.

1. I hate you because no matter what i have on my stomach, taking your multi-vitamin makes me projectile vomit within about 2 minutes.
2. I hate you because your calcium supplements are like trying to choke down HUGE sweet tarts. In small doses, this might be a nice treat. In the quarter-sized, quarter inch thick discs we have to take 3 times a day....not so much. I defy anyone to bite into one of these without inhaling some of the chalk dust mid-chew. *cough, cough* I thought maybe I was a freak and gave one to Erik (he was making fun of this particular complaint of mine). He bit into it and about two seconds later, started coughing!!)
3. I hate your passion fruit flavored iron because it leaves my mouth tasting like I just spit shined a dirty locker room with nothing but my tongue. At home, I've dubbed this particular flavor "Sweaty Ball Sac" Flavor. I may have mentioned this before so forgive me if I repeat myself. I honestly haven't tasted any sweaty ball sacs, but I imagine they must taste an awful lot like the "Passion Fruit" flavored iron from BA.
4. I hate you because I have to take so many of you, I often feel as if I'm popping pills all day long. They are seriously a meal in and of themselves.
5. I hate you because I spent a fortune on you pre-surgery and am now needing to find alternative supplements that I can actually take.

Ok, I guess that is all the hate I can muster up at the moment. Thanks for letting me vent!

6 week Surgiversary!

2010-08-10T22:13:00.000-05:00

So I’m 6 weeks from my surgery date. When I weighed myself this morning I was at 392. That is an even 25 lbs since surgery (a little over 4 lbs a week) and 73 lbs from my highest weight! Sometimes I still can’t believe I am ACTUALLY on the other side of 400 lbs!!! It’s amazing!

Tanner and I went to the pool this afternoon. I walked for about an hour in the pool and then did a water aerobics class for an hour. When I got home, I was at 387! Of course, I think I’m slightly dehydrated as I have a bit of a headache so I’m guzzling water as fast as I can sip so I’ll probably be closer to 392 tomorrow, but it was sure nice to see the scale registering in the 380’s!!

I usually have Erik take my picture each week on Tuesday, but I decided that I will probably just do it monthly instead. It is hard to see much change from week to week.

I sent my transcripts in to the nursing school I’m considering (one of them) to see if they can tell me exactly what pre-requisites I need to take and whether they will let me take online classes for the ones I know I need (chem. 1 and 2, microbiology, nutrition). I’m kind of excited about getting back in to school honestly although chemistry scares the crap out of me! I love science, but I just am not into chemistry at all :( I’m sure I can handle it though. Now I just need to figure out how I’m going to pay for the classes. I’m not in a huge hurry though so if I can’t get registered this semester, I will try for next semester.

I also renewed my membership at the YMCA today. I have a membership at the bariatric gym as well, but they don’t really have any classes or anything and I’m hoping to eventually start taking some of the bootcamp style classes at the YMCA. I will most likely keep my membership at the smaller gym because I can use the pool during the winter months and I just like the attention I can get at the smaller gym.

Overall, I’ve increased my activity and have managed to walk or swim every day for the last week. I’m walking on the treadmill and outside. I try to switch it up because I know walking outside seems to stress my core and upper body more; most likely because I’m not supporting my upper body the way I do on the treadmill.

Oops! One last thing. I have cut out the protein bars I was eating (about one or two a day) because they were often easier to grab than running to the kitchen while I was working to make up a quick meal. I’ll have to wait and see if it impacts my weight loss at all. It has been a bit slower than I thought it might be and maybe the sugar alcohols in the bars are impacting my weight loss. I know when I did low carb before, I had to stay away from most bars, etc because of that. We’ll see ;)