Put down the banana and step away from the scale and nobody's going to get hurt!

Since weighing myself this past Monday, I’ve been fighting the urge for daily weigh-ins. My weight has always been unpredictable, even when I’m trying to lose weight so I really want to know whether I’m still headed in the right direction. However, as we all know, your weight can fluctuate daily and even throughout the day. Chronic weighing usually just ends up making us crazy and contributing to our stress level which…you guessed it….makes us more likely to stress eat. In my case, chronic weighing also is closely connected to my bulimic days so it's not a healthy pastime for me.

Until today, I had successfully managed to avoid my scale. I think what prompted today’s weigh-in was something I feel was a “cheat” last night. It wasn’t really a cheat because even adding it up in my head, I know that I was still under my calories and fat for the day, but for some reason, psychologically it still feels like I cheated.

I have been super exhausted the last few days. I think it’s due to finally (TMI alert: skip to the next paragraph if you’d rather not know the ins and outs of my cycle) getting my period after several months. With Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) you can have very unpredictable periods. When you go for more than two months, you are supposed to contact a doctor for something to trigger a period; I think they use some kind of progesterone pill. Often, I notice that when I get back on my glucophage or lose a bit of weight it will trigger a period and that is what happened in this case. During my period, I generally tend to have at least one day where I am completely wiped out, so I don’t know if the several days of lethargy I’m currently experiencing are due to the fact that my body is making up for lost time or if I’m still trying to adjust to an earlier work schedule. I think it’s probably the former.

Yesterday when I got off work, I went right to bed. I knew I had about ½ an hour before T got home and I thought that maybe I could get a little nap in before he got home. I had to work a bit later that night and knew I’d never make it if I didn’t get a little refresher nap. I ended up falling right to sleep, T came home and had received a new game from gamefly so he was happy to entertain himself a bit while I grabbed another half hour or so of rest. By the time I woke up, it was getting late and to be honest, I just didn’t feel like cooking. We could have had sandwiches, but T was moaning about that so I just grabbed the keys and went to our local Popeyes. From my earlier research I knew exactly what I could get without going off plan. I knew I was going to have to get rid of the skin and I’ll tell ya…I knew it was going to be hard. I tried to talk T into getting rid of his, but he wasn’t having any of that. I did manage to trash the skin AND the biscuit and just had a chicken breast with mashed potatoes and a corn on the cob. So why do I feel like I cheated??

Anyway, that brings me back to the beginning of my story. As I grabbed my yogurt, banana and fiber bar for breakfast this morning, the scale was calling my name: “Come on Michelle, you know you probably gained a pound just looking at that crust, and you didn’t wear gloves when you disposed of the biscuit…who KNOWS what damage you did!” Crazy I know; It isn't even as if anything I ate last night would register on today's scale. I realize it made no sense, but I still put down my breakfast and stepped on the scale. I was down a pound from Monday. Not exactly the loss I had hoped to see, which is why, boys and girls, YOU DON’T GET ON THE SCALE MORE THAN ONCE A WEEK OK??? I was happy to see a loss period though. Guess we’ll see what happens by Monday.

Trying to remember my current mantra: “It isn’t about the scale, it’s about getting healthier. The rest will follow!” repeat as needed.


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Prayers, Positive Energy, Good thoughts Please

Hey guys. I realize that this has nothing to do with weight loss, but a very good friend of mine is going in for a laryngeal biopsy this morning and I'm a bit of a mess. She's probably one of my best friends and the closest thing to a sister I've ever had. She actually lived with me from about age 14 until 17 and her life has been anything but easy. The picture above was taken of us in our younger days, she's the redhead. (please excuse the quality of the pic, its all I could find of us at the moment)

Jennifer is an amazing person and I will probably devote a post to her at some point because we have always had weight issues and tried to encourage each other. She was the one that got me involved in the boot camp work out I loved a year or so ago. She's 38 and way too young to be facing such a grim diagnosis so if you could please pray for a positive outcome or support for her in case she gets bad news I would appreciate it.

Buffed, Beautiful and Bitchin'!

Sorry, I couldn’t NOT give a little shout out to Vera when we're talking about exercise. Of course it is just for your amusement. I'm quite fond of my bazooms so I won't be purchasing this particular workout to follow.

However, now that I have 10 whole lbs off, I figured it is time for me to start thinking about getting physical (cue Olivia Newton-John…just another little earworm for my faithful readers). At this weight, I am somewhat limited about what I can do. I’m limited for a couple of reasons. The obvious reason is my size; and honestly, let's just face it...at this size ALL my reasons are fairly obvious. My poor body is just having a very difficult time hauling itself around lately and for good reason. As I’ve mentioned before, I not only have gained weight in the last year, but I lost a lot of muscle mass as my daily activity decreased to almost nothing. I work from home, I have someone who can run errands for me, shop for me, etc so even the normal every day activity I used to get disappeared.

Initially, the help with errands and shopping was done more because I was the breadwinner and literally was working about 80 hours a week while I put my husband through school. He took over a lot of the other household duties while I scheduled practically every waking moment with some kind of work. In my mind, it would be worth it once he got his degree. Then, all hell broke loose with my son and the school placement we had him. It was particularly traumatic for our family and came at a very fragile point in our marriage. Once the dust cleared, our marriage was toast and we were struggling to get T on even footing again (which took lots of hospital stays and more). As I said, when T and I finally moved out, I went into a deep depression and everything just snowballed for my physically.

I’ve always enjoyed exercising…once I can get going and get a routine in place. For me, it’s taking that first step that always seems to be so hard, and lately I have more than enough excuses at the ready. I’m currently on medication for problems with my heart, blood pressure, thyroid, diabetes, and depression. I also have a history of chronic migraines; like 3-4 a week although they’ve gotten much better since I started the on blood pressure medication which makes me think my headaches weren’t migraines at all. When I try to exercise, I always have to worry about keeping my heart rate in a certain zone or it will trigger migraines…I know other people suffer from exercise-induced headaches as well and I’ve had them all my life, no matter what size I was. Even when I was in the best shape of my life I would get migraines if I exercised too intensely or got my body temperature up too high.

So…finding some exercise that I can do can be a bit of a challenge, especially lately. I know that I could do pool walking. That is great for getting my muscles back in shape, it keeps me cool. Apart from the embarrassment of getting into a swimsuit (which I really don’t care about at this point lol) its perfect for me. The weather, however, makes it a bit of a challenge to find a pool to use. I can join the gym over at my bariatric center, but it would take $300 that I don’t have at the moment. The only YMCA with an indoor pool is in a bad part of town and I decided it was going to be practically impossible to get there in the rush hour traffic. So, at least for now working out in the pool is on hold.

I have a sturdy treadmill at home I could use. I bought it at least 3 years ago and of course it’s hardly been used. It supposedly will accommodate my weight, but lately, my heart rate goes up almost immediately and then surpasses the “safe” zone in the first 5 minutes. I decided the other day that what I should probably do is start some strength training exercises and work on getting 20 minutes of cardio in a day even if it’s just jumping on the treadmill for 5 minutes at a time. I have to start somewhere right?

I’ve been trying to find some ideas for strength training exercises that I can do that don’t require me getting on the ground because once I’m down, it’s going to take a village to get me back up. I found some seated exercises here and even though I’m sure I’m going to feel like a complete loser doing them, I’m going to give them a shot.

Now I just need to get my fat butt UP to do it. How do you get yourself motivated to exercise? Better yet, how do you motivate your teenagers to exercise…he’s my next challenge!

My Bucket List (aka. things I want to do when I lose weight)

I did this a while back, but thought it needed a home here. I realize that I'm probably going to need to win the lottery or marry rich if I want to do everything on this list, but a girl can dream can't she? Not everything requires that I be thin do do them, but they'd probably be a lot easier if I were. So, in no particular order...


1. ride in a hot air balloon
2. Take dance lessons (all kinds)
3. Take an around the world cruise
4. jump out of a plane (with a parachute of course)
5. build my dream house with a view of some body of water
6. Own a boat
7. heck with that....live on a houseboat
8. be an extra on a tv show or movie
9. Take T to disneyworld or disneyland
10. attend an opera at La Scala in Milan, Italy.
12. Learn how to scuba dive and then take a dive in the Egyptian red sea.
13. Take an African Safari
14. Treat myself to an entire day at the spa
15. Buy a headstone for my mother's grave.
16. write a book (believe me...I have material coming out of my ears with the life I've lived.)
17. go cliff diving
18. learn a foreign language and actually use it.
19. spend a night in a haunted hotel or house
20. Spend a week at Lake Como in Italy
21. Take cooking classes in Tuscany
22. glide down the waterways of venice in a gondola and kiss someone I love under the bridge of sighs as the sun sets.
23. When i feel like dating again, ask someone out on my own.
24. Kiss the blarney stone
25. Take a tour of Egypt
26. go to the top of the Eiffel tower without using the elevator
27. Run in a marathon
28. Learn to ski (water and snow)
29. Visit scotland and kiss a man wearing a kilt
30. Get my black belt in some kind of martial art
31. Have someone serenade me
32. Fall completely in love with someone who is deeply in love with me
33. help build a habitat for humanity house
34. start an online support network for people who want to quit smoking
35. Get into the absolute best shape of my life
36. Get a tattoo (a little one)
37. See my son mature into a happy healthy adult
38. Ride on a helicopter
39. Visit the great wall of china
40. Swim with dolphins
41. see a play at Shakespeare's Globe Theatre
42. See a musical on Broadway
43. Visit Jim Morrison's grave at Père-Lachaise Cemetery in Paris.
44. Live at least a year in a foreign country.
45. Have a drink named after me.
46. learn how to make a quilt
47. refinish my great grandmother's hope chest.
48. Take an acting class
49. ride a mechanical bull
50. Learn to fly a plane
51. Go zorbing
52. Take a tour of a tropical beach by horseback
53. Visit prague
54. Learn to play chess
55. forgive myself for not making every moment with my mom count while she was sick.
56. to heck with getting mom a headstone. Dig up her ashes and scatter them somewhere beautiful.
57. take a sculpting class.
58. Learn to paint.
59. Go back to school and get my masters in something.
60. Make a difference in at least one person's life.
61. Be able to look in the mirror and love the person looking back at me.
62. Attend the olympics.
63. Take a trip to the moon on Virgin Galactic.
64. Ride on a float in a parade
65. Make a new year's resolution and keep it!
66. Visit the 7 wonders of the world ( I realize this duplicates some of the previous list items, but humor me ;)
67. Attend a taping of the Saturday Night Live show
68. Learn how to surf
69. Finish my scrapbooks
70. Walk a red carpet
71. Start Volunteering on a regular basis (probably with the American Cancer Society)
72. Have a romantic picnic in central park
73. Go skinny dipping in the south of france (of course this is after much weight loss and plastic surgery lol)
74. Spend the night in a castle.
75. Spend all night talking to someone I just met.
76. Climb a mountain
77. Apply for a reality TV show
78. open my own business (doing what? I don't know....Tanner votes for the donut shop)
79. Have a girlfriend's retreat with the favorite women in my life. (you know who you are)
80. Wear something that makes me look AMAZING......just for myself.
81. write a children's book and get it published.
82. Go on a vacation somewhere .......ALL BY MYSELF and be perfectly comfortable doing it
more to come later...............

Do you have a bucket list or list of things you want to do when you meet your weight loss goals? If so, whats the number one thing you would want to do?

Little Victories

I've dieted enough to know that as you lose weight, you start to notice things about yourself and your body as it begins to shed those unwanted pounds. Maybe its an elbow you haven't seen in quite a while. Perhaps its the fact that you can now bend down and tie your own shoes. Maybe you are just jazzed about seeing your feet when you look down. Men tend to get very excited when this happens (go ahead and check it out, I'll wait; his blog is hilarious)

In my 20's when I lost most of my weight, I remember rejoicing silently when I discovered that I could go up and down a flight of stairs without getting out of breath. I had not only lost weight, but had been working out a lot so my muscles were in prime condition. I had never considered myself athletic, so this was no small feat in my mind considering I used to avoid stairs like the plague. After that, I started tackling stairs at every opportunity; running up them most of the time until E noticed and made fun of me. I was a little embarrassed to admit the reason I was running up the stairs so I made up some stupid excuse. The real and very simple reason I ran up those stairs each time was because I COULD!

I expect that I will begin to rediscover myself as I shed more weight. I'm literally starting from scratch so I expect many "a-ha" moments in my future and I'm looking forward to them. My first moment came last night while brushing my teeth. You all know that I've lost 10 lbs and I think most people wouldn't expect 10 lbs to mean much on a 450 lb body; however, I'm here to tell you that it apparently does.

Last night I went through my nightly ritual before bed. It starts off with me dosing myself on the five or six medications I have to take each night. It's literally a handful of pills I have to take...good thing I don't have much of a gag reflex! Once I take my meds, I use the restroom, wash my hands and then brush my teeth. I have a chair in my bathroom. Initially I brought it in so that I could sit down while I did my hair. When I injured my knee, I had to start using it more often since it was harder for me to stand comfortably for long at all. Last night I was mentally going over my schedule for the next day; making sure I hadn't forgotten anything. I used the bathroom, washed my hands and then grabbed my toothbrush. I was still mulling over some things in my mind as I brushed my teeth. When I was done, I spit in the sink and as my hand reached for the holder to put my toothbrush away I realized that I was STILL STANDING! I felt this immediate WOW which was followed by a laugh as I considered how ridiculous it was to feel so excited about something so small. Part of my own mind was echoing E's laughter every time I ran up a flight of stairs. To him, it wasn't a big deal, but to me it was a milestone. I turned a deaf ear to the negative voice in my head, took one last look in the mirror and smiled. Some victories are going to be big and some are going to be small. To me, a victory is a victory and I'll take them any way they come!

SUPERSTAR!

My Life in Pictures: The good, the bad and the ugly (and a weigh in!)

My mom used to go on about what a cute baby I was, but I don't see it. Supposedly I won a beautiful baby contest around this time and all I can say is I must have had some ugly competition, because I look at this picture and see "grumpy old man in bikini" but...whatever. This was the first and last time I was ever in a bikini. My favorite uncle walked 7 miles to buy this at our local Winns, the cute little sandals were courtesy of him as well. Thank you Uncle for giving me this one fleeting moment in a bikini, I will cherish it always.

I'm not including any other pictures from my childhood...mainly because I was too lazy to dig them out of the dark recesses of the hope chest in my closet. Just know that my first diet started somewhere aroung the age of 6 when I started to "fill out" and the yo-yo continued as I passed through various stages of chubby. I started to really get fat in middle school and by the time I graduated college, I weighed 313 lbs.

Shortly after graduating, I got a job and met my future husband. Although we were almost inseparable friends for the next two years, I think I had fallen for him almost at first sight. Sure that we were soulmates, yet also sure he was not currently in the market for a 300 lb girlfriend, I started Nutrisystem and eventually shed about 80 lbs over a 6 month period. I never got below 218, but I was working out like a fiend and got in probably the best shape of my life.

E and I eventually started dating and while I wanted everything to be perfect, inside I still felt 300 lbs. I hated everything about myself. I would look at the saggy stomach and see disgusting fat that I still hadn't lost. All the dieting and gaining of weight in my teen years left me with breasts that were hardly perky anymore. I was as embarrassed and ashamed of my body as I ever was, if not more so. Even in the early stages of our relationship, I felt a disconnect from E. There was *something* a wall or barrier he never let me get past and I couldn't figure out why. I surmised that it was just because I wasn't good enough in some way. Part of me assumed it was my body, but part of me felt like it was something deeper than that. Something about ME made me fundamentally unlovable and I just had to resign myself to the fact that I would have to be content with whatever he did feel like sharing with me.

This is what I looked like around this time:

NOTES that you can't read:
Pic Left: At an Academic Awards Ceremony getting an award for my smartitude.
Pic right: Probably going out to dinner with E. As you can see I wasn't lying about the hair product
Middle pic: First, I would like to say that I did NOT pose for this pic. I think E took it after a party at my place; hence the glazed look in my eyes. I use it because its about the only full body shot I could find. This is when I thought I was hideously huge. I'd give anything to look like that again.
Bottom left: Late night PJ party with Jennifer and Fifi. Note the peppermint schnaps on the edge of the bed. Were we really drinking it straight? :P
Bottom right: My God daughter and I on her first birthday.

Now, as you can see I was never “skinny” but I wasn’t the fatty boombalatty I saw in the mirror either. I really wish I could have looked in the mirror and congratulated myself on all that I had accomplished on getting healthy and fit. Instead, the self loathing and fear of returning to the "monster" I was before morphed into a pretty nasty bout with bulemia. I was obsessed with every morsel I put in my mouth. I could look at a plate and in seconds calculate the calories and fat. It made me physically ill to watch my mother ingest anything that contained more than 6g of fat; I would have to leave the room. I was also exercising like a fiend; working out every single day doing at least an hour of cardio and an hour of weights and sometimes coming back for a class of some kind. I look at these pictures now and feel so sorry for the "me" I was then.

I eventually got pregnant by E, we had a quicky wedding. I gained about 60 lbs with my pregnancy, but lost about 30 of that after I had T. Since then, our lives have been a rollercoaster first coping with almost losing T to meningitis at 15 months and after, learning to cope with the side effects of that illness. When you look at the next group of pics, you will see a woman out of control, yet constantly trying to get that control back. I no longer had the urge to purge. The birth of my son had just re-set my priorities and somehow I never went back to my bulimic lifestyle. Unfortunately, the binging didn't stop. The next decade would be riddled with traumatic events and sprinkled with failed diet attempts. I joke now that I'm wearing the last 10 years on my body. Unlike drug abuse or alcoholism, abusing food isn't something you can hide. Like most emotional/stress eaters, there is a story for every pound of the 300 lbs I currently have to lose.

The following are all "before" pics, sadly there are no skinny after pics because I usually would lose a few pounds, get lost in some personal drama, fall off the wagon and pack it back on plus a few more before I'd try another diet and the whole cycle would start over again.



Notes:
Top: September 26, 2001 and the start of my HMR fast. I think I weighed about 375 in these pics? Maybe more.
Bottom: one month later and down 36 lbs! About a month after these pics were taken, I would learn doctors had found a lesion on my mother's lung. This would derail my efforts once again.

As it says in the photo, this diet was derailed at the news my mother had lung cancer. She died 11 months later. This is my grandfather and I dressed for her memorial service. I'm sure I was over 400 lbs in this photo. The before and after pics of T break my heart. This is when he crossed the line into obesity as well.



The next group of pictures was probably my last ditch effort to lose weight to save my marriage. I began to feel E slipping away from me. At this point, we had probably stopped having sex altogether, but really up to this point sex between us had been limited to once or twice a year all at my initiation. Again, I blamed myself the entire time. The only thing was, he almost seemed upset with me for wanting to lose weight. His entire personality changed. He stopped wanting to spend time with me or T and I began to see a side to him that I had never known. At some point, after a brief period of success that seemed to make no difference, I gave up again and sank deeper and deeper into a depression.


Notes: These were taken in 2005 after getting inspired by Discovery's "New Body Challenge." All three of us; Me, T, and E sat down and made banners where we could tick off our weight loss. We drew things that represented what we wanted to be able to do when we lost weight. I probably weighed a bit less than where I am now. The bottom pics show me down about 20 lbs.

Please don't hold the green plaid shirt against me. I probably got it on clearance during some online shopping. There should be NO plaid for the obese. Whoever designed it must have something against fatties.

Ok, last but not least, the pics that were taken just a few days ago. It was hard looking at them, but It has really helped to do this post as boring as it must be for those of you reading. Its forced me to look at my attempts, what motivated them, what caused me to fail. I hope that this will help me finally be successful in this attempt. Showing these pictures is truly like ripping a band-aid off, but it needs to be done. I can't keep living in a closet pretending that I'm not as fat as I am if nobody sees me.



So there you have it. My official before picture. I didn't want to smile because I hate the way my eyes disappear when I do, but I decided that for once, I'm happy about making this change for ME and nobody else. On a side note: I think I'm the only person in the world with a fat forehead. You know it's time for a change when you start thinking about "liposucting" your head.

And now, the moment you have all been waiting for *drum roll please* (Nick, that's your cue)...as of today, I have officially lost 10 lbs!!! Granted, thats mostly water and I don't expect it to continue to come off that quickly, but I'll take it. I was so excited to step on my scale and see 450 lbs (the weight limit on my scale is 450) that I jumped off and on about four times. THEN, I grabbed the phone book to make sure it wasn't just stuck at 450 lbs. With the phonebook, the scale said "OL" which I'm sure means "Over Limit." Get rid of the phone book and I was back to 450!!! I wasn't going to continue tempting fate so I decided to take that as my first official weigh in loss. Check back next Monday to see what crazy number I'm down to next.

Care to comment? Critique my fashion sense or hair do's and dont's? Click on Comments below and scroll down for the comment box

[losing+weight]

Surviving Gattiland with Pictures and Weigh in Tomorrow!

<--NOT ME(this will make sense later though.) We actually had a great time. I got to get out of the house and visit with another person FACE TO FACE!!! How amazing is that? I did have moments where I was struggling a bit, but I noticed that most people were way busier with their own lives to bother gawking at me so I actually enjoyed myself. When I came home, I noticed that I was in a great mood too! I think it was more than just "getting out" though. I think when I allow myself to stay cooped up, doing nothing but working, sleeping, taking care of T and literally never leaving the house it adds to my depression because it makes me feel like such a failure. Who wants to live their entire life within the confines of their home, no matter how great it might be? It truly is like imprisoning yourself.

When I took the plunge and got ready, putting on make-up for the first time in MONTHS, and actually got out in the sunshine and around other people, it had such an effect on me. Incidentally, when T and E got home yesterday from getting haircuts and saw me all prettified and made up, T said "Wow Mom! Where'd you get all that makeup? You look like a Goddess" Only he said "Goddess" with almost as much disdain as "Harlot" so I think he might might have had a communication breakdown in his word choice because I don't think he meant it as a compliment :( I had to go check in the mirror to see if I had overdone it at all. Even E said that I looked "so different" and he didn't remember me having so much "dark" around my eyes lmao. I was like "uhhh, its called eyeliner and this is how I've done my makeup for the 20 years we've known each other?"

Anyway *rolls eyes*, I took some BEFORE pics that I will post tomorrow with all the other before pics I've taken over the last decade so you can tell me if I look like a harlot or not. I'm really hoping that it was just because they hadn't seen me in makeup for so long. I'd hate to think that my makeup skillz are already outdated; perhaps I should send back that book "Mimi's Makeovers" I got for Christmas?

So, I'm contemplating heading to the Y tomorrow to see if I can get a trainer to start me out on a program no matter how measly it might be at this point. I want to take Tanner tomorrow afternoon as well and see if they can get him started. He's killing me with wanting fast food all the time, but it's my fault I suppose. I'm hoping getting him more active in the local Y will motivate him to commit to our new healthy lifestyle.

So, tune in tomorrow for some pics of me starting with my skinniest adult pics. Trust me, you are going to want to tune in just to laugh at my hair. What I lost in weight I made up for in hair product. I'm from Texas, It was the early 90's....enough said.


Unfortunately, also NOT ME but a great example of Texas Hair.(that's for you nick ;)

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