The Universe isn't whispering anymore

Tonight, I feel like the powers that be are no longer whispering in my ear, they are standing in front of me and screaming drill sergeant style to make the necessary changes or else. In the last 24 hours, I've had to contend with my recliner breaking (the one I sit in to work) and had to work from a different chair which has aggravated my back again. I just changed the bandaging on my cyst and the packing came out :( I have to find some way to get to the dr before work tomorrow so he can repack it and rebandage it. The bandages won't really stay where they are supposed to because my darn stomach hangs and moves around to much so the tape is coming undone and it is so gross and disgusting and I'm just TIRED of it.

To make matters worse, I just want to go to bed and I'm out of tylenol PM so I know I won't get a decent night's sleep because of the sleep apnea AND to make matters worse one of our freaking smoke alarms just started beeping and guess who can't climb up on a chair to change the battery because she is such a fatty bumbalatty?? Oh yeah, this girl isn't getting any sleep tonight :(

I know this is ridiculous to say, but this is absolutely the MOST disabled I've ever felt guys. I literally feel like someone who is dying just a little bit every day. The scary part is, it isn't some death in the far off future anymore. I turn 40 in 10 days and more and more my death feels imminent and I'm really beginning to wonder if I'm ever going to be able to turn this ship around and get it headed in the right direction :(

Born to be Mild!

The picture above is a mode of transportation I suggested to Erik. It is for sale at the very affordable price of $1500. Erik wasn't all that excited about it lol. I pointed out the flames on the side and how "cool" they were and suggested that maybe we could get some red tassles for the handle bars and maybe a butch it up with a basket with a skull painted on it, but he still wasn't biting. Idk what his problem was, but oh well. He did mention something about he wouldn't be caught dead on a "flaming" scooter so I guess we are going to make do with one car for a while longer.

Feeling better today. I'm really hoping that the lethargy was related to this cyst and any infection there is there. I've had two doses of the antibiotic. Not sure if that is enough to start making a difference in how I'm feeling or not. It could just be that I've had more sleep than waking hours the last several days and my body has just started to bounce back.

Tanner has been complaining this week about back pain and pain in his hip :( Yep, I'm fairly certain it has to do with his own weight issues. He could probably stand to lose about 50lbs :(. Of course I feel like a horrible mother and I should! At his age, his weight is directly resulting from what I allow him to put in his mouth. It has kind of given me more motivation to try to spend the next month and a half building up what I can do so that in the summer we can start working out together. I'm trying to make it more appealing by talking about how he will be able to go back to school looking snazzy and how much the girls at his school will love it, etc lol. Right now, it is ALL about the chicas with his boy!

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Spring "Cleaning" Medical Torture Style

Yesterday I did laps in my hallway at home. It is a pretty long hallway as hallways go and I managed 30 laps (front and back) so that was probably better than the walk I got outside. Today I went to the doctor and after his torture I didn't feel like doing much at all.

He said that it looked like the previous docs hadn't been treating it appropriately. Apparently they should have kept packing it until it healed, but they didn't and that is why it keeps coming back. He said that the "cyst wall" was still there so he had to "clean" it out at the office today. Of course "clean" was a euphemism for "get-out-my-scalpel-and-cut-away-at-your-abdomen-with-absolutely-NO-local-anesthesia." Yes, it was horrible because he gave me no warning. One second he's telling me he has to "clean" the wound and the next I feel him slicing into my stomach. He also felt it might help if he told me everything he was doing as he was doing it. Oh yeah, thanks for the visual imagery I can now pair with the searing pain. All I wanted to do was go to my happy place until it was over.

I have to get back to him on Monday so that he can change the packing and bandaging. Here's hoping the pain was worth it and we can finally say adios to this thing once and for all.

I didn't walk today, but I'll get back on board tomorrow.

Walking with Pictures :)

The picture you see above is from google actually, but that is my street with my house (duplex) on the right. I tried to show my path for yesterday, hopefully you can make out what I did. If you blinked, you might have missed me, but I don’t want to overdue it with my back just now on the mend YAY! I know it is pretty pathetic. I could have probably walked a bit further, but with me, there is always the knowledge that I have to be able to make it back so I'd rather be safe than sorry. I also had an incident a few weeks ago (that I'll share with you guys later) that scared the crap out of me so I try to be much more careful walking outside on uneven surfaces.

Every day I’m feeling a little bit better, however…I think I know why I’ve been feeling kind of crappy the past few days (with nausea and lethargy). The wound from hell is back AGAIN. Yes, this is the same darn thing that started last fall. I’m going to try to get into the doctor over the next few days because someone commented on my blog the last time it reared its ugly head that it could be a form of strep bacteria. It is so bizarre because it will heal over, be ok for several weeks and then start flaring up again almost as if it is a brand new cyst. Eventually it ruptures and then I spend days cleaning and bandaging it until it heals over again. I just want to get RID of it for good. I don’t know if it is just coincidence or what, but it usually flares up right around the time I have a bout of this nausea and lethargy so they must be connected. Anyway, I’m going to have to see if Erik is working over the next two days so that I can get into the doctor. If he is, I can probably call a friend to take me in to get it looked at.

Anyway, I don’t think it is flaring up because of the walking I’ve been doing. Let’s face it…it isn’t much walking…not really much more than what I do around the house, so I doubt it is the walking aggravating it. Maybe that was coincidental in the past. So frustrating, but I suppose it is just another prod from God to lay off the reeses cups.

Incidentally…I had a mini binge on reeses cups yesterday. Tanner apparently went to Target with his school and used his money to buy dad and I some easter candy since he didn’t have anything for us on easter lol. Initially I allowed myself to have one PB egg and told him to hide the rest for daddy. He got sidetracked and left them in my office. I knew they were there, but managed to avoid them for most of the evening and then…at some point around 10pm I went nuts for about 5 minutes and had about 4-5 cups one right after the other! Uggh..oh well. I had stuck to my eating plan for the day so while I wasn’t happy about succumbing to the temptation, I did pat myself on the back for stopping before they were ALL gone (even though that was mostly because I knew Tanner would be upset if DAD didn’t get any lol). I sent Erik a guilty text saying “I just had about 4 reeses cups one right after the other! Don’t tell Tanner lol.” Is that not addict behavior lol? Kuh-razy.

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One Step At a Time

Today, I’m going to slip my tennis shoes on after I get off work at 6pm and take Tanner for a walk. I’m probably only going to get down my driveway and past the next house and back the first time, but every day, I’m going to try to make it one step further. By the end of the summer, I should be walking the neighborhood don’t you think?

I suppose I could hop on the treadmill and time it, but I want to do something WITH Tanner and we both won’t fit on the treadmill. If there are neighbors out, I’m sure I’ll get some funny looks. People may wonder what the hell we are doing every night taking our mini walks, but so what. Every day I’m going to push myself to get one step further and I KNOW I’ll do it. I’m hoping that having a REAL TANGIBLE goal for each day (some landmark on my street) to get to will keep me focused and motivated. I’ll let you know tomorrow how far we got. Maybe I’ll take a few pics of our street and show you each day how far we manage to get. I just don’t want to lose the psychological momentum I seem to have right now.

I’m nowhere near where I wanted to be approaching my 40th birthday (April 21st), but that doesn’t mean I have to be in the same damn place when I turn 41. Right now, I have simple goals. I just want to be strong enough to start doing my own grocery shopping some time this summer. I’ll get there, one step at a time.

Ok, I'll say it for you: QUITCHER BITCHEN!!!

Ok, maybe you guys wouldn't be quite so harsh, but geez...even I'm tired of hearing me drone on and on and on about the same old crap and not DOING anything about it.

I’m having one of those days where I’m tired of it all. Tired of being so limited in my mobility, tired of still being 440 lbs or thereabouts. Tired of my life being the same old routine of work, cook dinner, watch a bit of tv, go to sleep only to rinse and repeat the next day. I’m sick to death of it ya’ll. Most of all, I am sick to damn death of hearing me WHINE about it, knowing that this is all something well within MY reach to rectify. I put myself in this predicament and I am the only damn person that can get myself out of it.

I’ve decided that I’m going to see if I can get some junk vehicle that will work well enough to at least get me to the gym and back at a decent hour. Since we only have one car and Erik is working two jobs OUT of the home, I never really get the car which is frustrating. If I want to work out, I have to wake up at 5am which I’m ok to do, but I’m working three jobs at the moment so I have my day job and then when tanner goes to bed, I usually work at least another 2-4 hours before bedtime at midnight…isn’t entirely conducive to a 5am gym call.

Another reason I want another vehicle is because summer is coming and I really want to start taking tanner WITH me to the gym. The pool will be opening up soon and that was always something we could do together at the YMCA, but again…we need a vehicle to get there.

For now, I’m going to keep doing what I CAN do at home (my back exercises, weights, working my way up on the treadmill) and trying to sort out the car situation. I’m also going to start tightening the belt on my food consumption. I’ve not done horrible, but I could do a lot better and the fact that I’m not losing any weight (not gaining any either) speaks to that fact.

The BIG question is…how am I going to remember how I feel right NOW when I encounter another setback (because, lets face it…we know SOMETHING is going to sideline me at some point…there is always something). I’m really tired of allowing myself to be sidelined by various things. So what…I’m depressed. I’d rather be skinny and depressed than fat and depressed lol. So I’m stretched financially…I’d rather be skinny and poor than fat and poor. I just can’t seem to find the WILL to persevere in my weight loss and exercise goals when I’m down about some other aspect of my life (tanner, finances, erik, etc.) Any tips for how to stay focused?

PS. back feeling much better today (shhhhh don't repeat that out loud, it'll probably jinx me)

Still feeling like crap

Well, I spent most of my two days and a half (Tues, Wed, Thurs) in bed, worked a few days and had to stop early yesterday because I just wasn't feeling well. I can't really explain it...I feel kind of nauseous, tired, all the usual aches and pains with my back and knees. I have tried to get back on my therapeutic dose of metformin and honestly that can make you feel like death warmed over for a while until your body gets used to it. I hope that is what my problem is.

My back is doing better but still pretty weak. I missed a few days doing the exercises, but have started them back up again. Being in bed so much has made me weaker. I think today is my first full day out of bed. I worked all day, got off and made Tanner and I a quick dinner of scrambled eggs (we were out of practically everything else and he didn't want a lean cuisine). I figured my body could use the protein anyway. I have to work a few hours later tonight and I think I'll be ok for that. I'm not so much tired as my body just feels so damn exhausted all the time. Maybe I just need to regain my strength from the past few weeks? I hope that is all it is because I don't like feeling like this at all.

Here's hoping this week will see me moving around more and feeling better. I feel like I'm over the hump with the metformin so maybe this week, I'll feel like adding more to my "workout" routine. Right now, strengthening my legs is my main priority. The back exercises give my legs a little bit of a workout too. I may just start adding in a few more squats here and there.

Anyway, that's me in a very boring nutshell. cheers!