Prepare to Cringe: Getting Naked...

Note: No, I'm not actually getting physically naked for you all. You can thank me later. I do something even harder in today's post...expose a bit of the inner workings of my psyche...yeah I think it is even scarier than a picture of me in my birthday suit.

Hey guys, I’ve been dealing with migraine fog the last few days. I pretty much have some kind of headache 24/7. It is making exercising difficult because it seems to exacerbate the headache, but I’ve just decided to suck it up and do what I can to minimize the headache (drink plenty of water, not over exert myself, walk when it isn’t too hot, etc). Tuesday I took tanner to the pool at the YMCA and we took the water aerobic class and had a lot of fun. I really felt like I got a good workout too so I think that will become a regular thing. Unfortunately, it is raining cats and dogs here today so it will likely not happen tonight so I’m a bit bummed out about that. Hoping to at least get a walk in; if the weather is still crappy, maybe Tanner and I can just work on our Michael Jackson moves on the Kinect lol! That is always good for a laugh. I swear I’m going to have to borrow a video camera so I can share with you guys. It’s hiliarious.

I also got a bit of closure on the whole relationship thing too so that has helped. I think I can move on. Now I just need to get around to forgiving myself for even stupidly seeking out a relationship when I obviously was not ready for one. My biggest regret is that it was Greg that I had to screw things up with. At the very least, I think we would have made good friends so I almost wish I had met him under different circumstances. Meeting him on a dating site made it feel like our relationship was almost forced in that direction for some reason…I don’t know.

Anyway, I have an appointment with a therapist set up for next Friday and another one set up for the following Friday. I’m a little nervous about it, but know it is what I need to be doing. I actually spent some time talking to a good friend of mine last night. He has been one of my biggest cheerleaders through this whole weight loss journey and was the person who let me cry on his shoulder (virtually) when I was dealing with the whole gay thing coming out about Erik, etc. We were talking about what went wrong with this whole relationship adventure and why I ended up feeling like I was doing a repeat of what I went through the first time Erik and I got together. It was slightly different from that, but played out very similarly and I think that is what I was so upset about…that years later I was repeating the same behaviors. I’m only really talking about this here because I think I’m beginning to see that so much of all this is wrapped up in the weight issues, self esteem issues, etc.

The short version is this: Essentially, boy meets girl, boy shows interest in girl, girl…having only two speeds: brakes slammed to the floorboard OR overdrive, vacillates back and forth between liking the whole relationship thing and being scared to death of it. Boy eventually starts to catch on that this chick has some issues and starts to pull away, girl misinterprets this as him needing reassurance and becomes needier and clingier which of course pushes boy further and further away until boy finally runs screaming in the other direction. Sound like fun? Oh yeah, I’m sure it’s a blast for them.

Essentially, that is what happened. With Erik, I was truly and utterly in love with him when we got together so when he started pulling away (my neediness came from a different place emotionally then) I panicked and became this …sad sad sad person who couldn’t BREATHE without him 5 inches from me…uggh, painful to even remember, but that is how it was.

With this most recent relationship, I honestly thought that when he was saying he wanted to slow things down, instead of taking him at his word, I read WAY too much into things. I know this is partly just me over thinking things as usual and partly just being super inexperienced at this. So, instead of taking him at his word, I thought the following:

1. He needs reassurance (cue the excessive fawning, desire to be with him, etc)
2. Part of me actually realized last night that I thought he was maybe also using some reverse psychology because he knew I was going back and forth and scared and so I think I thought he was saying he wanted to go slow, but maybe it was just so I wouldn’t be so scared of him. I know this is absolutely ridiculous thinking, but …this is what prompted my behavior with him.

I also knew his self esteem wasn’t all that great and, wanting to prop him up a bit because I cared about him and wanted him to feel better about himself, would go overboard with the compliments. Anyway, putting it all down on “paper” I can see how I did everything, absolutely everything so freaking WRONG. You want to hear something really funny? I went back to read what I had written in my profile and I had some line that went something like this:

“I'm a nurturer, but don't worry, I'm not the smothering type. I want a man who has outside interests and pursuits. While I think it is important to spend time together, I also think it is important to have time for yourself.”

Can you say “False Advertising?” I guess that is the ME I want to be, but have a ways to go before I get there.

So back to my most recent relationship, instead of being true to myself, listening to my gut, I tried to become what I thought he wanted. I did the same thing with Erik. Why? Because I still don’t think, I don’t believe that I am enough. That Michelle, the person that I am is worthy of attention, affection, etc. I don’t believe that I deserve happiness or love because, fat aside, I don’t like who I am very much on the inside either. Trust me, it isn’t easy to be writing this down. I’m absolutely cringing inside every time I think about actually posting this blog because I feel like this is me basically standing naked in front of anyone who reads this. I don’t like feeling this damaged.

The realization that my main problem has to do with me not liking ME so much is the hardest because I can’t diet and exercise that part healthy. So where the hell does that leave me? At the beginning of a very long and painful journey…and that’s depressing; that I haven’t evolved much in the last 20 years and I’m going to be doing the work now that I should have done years ago. I'm exhausted and overwhelmed just thinking about it. I just want to skip it all and get to the good stuff. I want to be happy, I want to eventually find someone that I can love and that can love me without all this craziness. I don't want to have to work so damn hard to be happy...I just want to BE happy.

Some days are harder than others...

I’m going to be honest, I’m having a hard time blogging today. I take that back…I’m not having a hard time blogging; I have four lengthy paragraphs written, but I don’t want to post what I’ve written because…I guess because right now, I’m not feeling as “ready to take on the day” as I was yesterday. I know it is to be expected and I’m not really beating myself up about it. Anybody who is dealing with a loss of some kind, no matter how small it might be in comparison to other things they’ve dealt with, understands that you are going to have moments where you are up and moments where you are knocked back down again. For the most part, I’d say I spend most of my time in a more positive mood and each day I can feel myself making gradual progress, but it is still frustrating to be blindsided now and then by renewed feelings of grief (?) no matter how short lived they might be.

I don’t want you to think this is all about the recent breakup with Greg. That is part of it I guess, but with that whole experience comes grief over the realization that I’m not quite as emotionally evolved as I thought I was. I think I’m grieving more over the fact that I wasn’t anywhere NEAR ready for a relationship with a man. It could have been any man…I don’t think I’m ready to pick the right person or cultivate a healthy relationship with the right person and I guess I thought I was further along on that path than I actually am. Ultimately, it leaves me wondering…will I ever be ready? Will I ever resolve my issues with straight men and overcome the fear I feel when they are merely expressing an interest in me? Am I doomed to continue to pick the same sort of man (gay, or at the least sexually ambiguous) because they are all I feel safe with? Will I ever overcome the beating my self esteem took being married to a gay man for all these years and be able to trust my judgement again? Sometimes I am optimistic that I will get there eventually and sometimes I feel like I will it will never happen.

I am working on getting some counseling set up with the local Archdiocese. I’m just waiting to hear back from them to see how much the visits are going to be. I think they will be able to work with me though; I’m hoping they will. Just thinking about beginning this work with a therapist is overwhelming and exhausting, but I know it has to be done. If I don’t begin to address these issues, I am positive that *something* is going to have to “give.” Either I will begin to gain the weight (my armor) back at some point, or I will transfer that addiction to something else in order to mask the issues causing me pain/frustration/etc.

I know all that may sound as if the emotional pendulum has swung the other way from the positivity of yesterday’s post. Really, it hasn’t so much. For the most part, I really am doing better. I’ve stuck to my diet and gotten in at least two walks a day (about a mile each for both) and I’m finding that I could easily get addicted to the morning walk. There is something about getting your blood pumping that early in the morning and then coming home to shower and start your day that is satisfying; perhaps it helps me start the day off feeling more relaxed?

I also haven’t had a drop to drink since Saturday evening when I went out to dinner with Tanner and Erik. I’m almost embarrassed that I can feel a sense of pride in that declaration; being proud that I’ve managed to go 2-3 days without a drink. I’m not going to lie; I miss my glass of wine at night. It helped me to relax and kind of “exhale” the stress of the day, but I’m finding that taking an evening walk is helping me de-stress and relax in a similar way. I still can’t believe that I can crave that glass of wine the way I used to crave food though. Up until this last year, I just couldn’t identify at all with whatever motivated some individuals to drink or turn to alcohol the way I turned to food.

This morning, my friend Shannon came and walked with me and it was nice just to have some time with her to talk. We went walking last night, but her daughter was with us so our conversation tends to stay pretty superficial. She’s actually going to be having her surgery next Wednesday and I’m so excited for her! She has 200 lbs to lose herself and I am excited to see her begin her own journey to greater mobility, less pain and better health. This will be an exciting year for her.

Well, I suppose I’ve managed to finish this post. I don’t like to feel like I’m editing myself or projecting a false “picture” of where I’m at, but I also don’t like feeling like I’m allowing myself to “wallow” in my problems either. Is there a difference between working through your problems and wallowing in them? At what point does it pass from constructive appraisal and reflection to something destructive? Looking back at my post Friday, I guess I feel that was more of the wallowing sort whereas today I’m truly trying to get a better understanding about where my head is at so that I can have an intelligent conversation with this therapist when I see him. With that said, I guess I’ve answered my own question.

I'm a Rock Star!

I got up this morning, got dressed, made coffee, grabbed my ipod and headed for my neighborhood street. As I turned on the ipod and selected “shuffle,” the big DJ in the sky greeted me with one of my favorite Kick-ass-and-take-no-prisoners song “So What” by Pink. It was giving me permission to thumb my nose at this last weekend and get on with my life.

Then Adele came on lol…that girl is awesome, but I warn you, if you are nursing a broken heart, lock up the razor blades. Ironically, I didn’t feel the ache I thought I would when I heard her again. I’ve had an entire weekend to get some perspective and I think I’m ok with where I am right now. Every day, I’m feeling exponentially better about a number of things. I realize that may sound crazy considering the Pit of Despair I was in Friday, but with my history I think one of the traits that has gotten me through (apart from my sense of humor) is my ability to shake off the dust fairly quickly (for the most part), assess the situation and form a game plan. I’m not saying I won’t revisit some of the feelings I was going through Friday, but I think I’m slowly sorting through the last 6 months or at least beginning to.

So what is my game plan? Here are some things I’ve thought about the last few days:

1. NO MORE WINE! If I go out, I may have a drink, but no more wine will come into this house. I may not be an alcoholic right this very second, but I’m easily teetering on the ledge. Over the weekend, I found myself self-medicating with alcohol. I had a cupcake or two as well, but for the most part, alcohol was my go-to mind-numbing agent of choice…I realize it, I’m acknowledging it, I’m kicking its ass to the curb. I refuse to trade morbid obesity for life as a wino :P
2. NO MORE RELATIONSHIPS: For the next year, I will not get into any relationships. I won’t seek them out for damn sure. No more dating sites, no more flirting when the situation presents itself. Even if I happen to meet someone that seems interesting or “interested” I’m not giving myself permission to date for at least the next year. I don’t think it is any coincidence that I not only have plateaued to some degree over the last 6 months, but actually went back and forth, gaining and losing the same 7 lbs. It was like my body was trying like hell to get that armor back on. Thank god I was able to keep it in check to some extent. Today I stepped on the scale to see “300” again. I’ll be back in the 200’s by this time next week.
3. NO MORE HALF ASSED ACCOUNTABILITY: Back to logging my food and tracking my exercise and back to blogging every day (of course because I’ve added that last part, you won’t hear from me for the next month). At the very least I will get on to account for what I did or didn’t do, even if I don’t have anything worthwhile to say.

So for now, three simple rules. I checked the calendar last night and I have exactly (well almost exactly) 8 weeks until my first surgiversary. I am currently 35 lbs from hitting the 200 lb total lost mark (465-300=165 lbs lost so far). I realize it is rather lofty to attempt to lose 35 lbs in 8 weeks, especially when I discussed revisiting my demons on Friday. One might be concerned that I was planning to starve myself, but one shouldn’t be. I’m going to cut down on how much I’m eating but only because I’ve been grazing too much which is why I think I’ve plateaued for so long. I’m going back to three meals a day and when I feel like it, replacing one of those meals with a protein shake. Yesterday I managed to do this. I wanted one of those chocolate chip cookie dough cupcakes in the fridge, but I made it through the day without one so YAY me :) These are basically the guidelines my doctor gave me after the surgery so this isn’t about me punishing myself with deprivation (which was typically how the bulimic cycle would start).

I’m also going to kick up the exercise quite a bit. I got my walk in this morning and I really want to make my boot camp class tonight…geez I wish it was a bit earlier than 7pm though. I have to take Erik to work and pick him back up at 12:30 so I can have the car and then I get up at 6am for my morning walk. Here’s hoping that improving my diet will give me the energy I need to keep hauling my ass out of bed at 6 every morning.

Well, I suppose I should get to work now. I plan to be here same time tomorrow. Let’s see where I’m at by then :) And, in the words of Pink, my parting words for this past weekend are, "Ba da da da da da, ppphhhllbbb!" :P

So I'll Keep Digging

Happy Mother’s Day. Tanner is currently at his weekly Yu Gi Oh tournament so I decided that I was going to take a walk after I got off work. My goal is to really step up the exercise this week. I’m hoping that it will help break this stall I’ve been holding for what seems like forever, but I’m also hoping it will help to channel some of my pent up frustrations with life lately into something positive. If nothing else, the activity will probably help with the stress and hopefully help drag me out of this funk I’m in.

I’m feeling a little bit better with each day and I have no doubt that in a few weeks I will be on my way to my usual positive self. I’m just having a rough patch and the other day it was a little difficult for me to get perspective considering everything that was going on in my head at the time. We all have those moments, but most don’t regurgitate it for mass consumption. I’m sure some are probably mortified by the things I share now and then. Honestly, sometimes I’M mortified at the things I’ve shared in this blog. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want to remove Friday’s post almost immediately after posting it, but…it is part of my journey.

Don’t get me wrong, I try to make my writing as transparent as I can, but I don’t share EVERYTHING here (believe it or not, there are things I won’t share). Sometimes I’m asked why I put some of this “out there” and I don’t know that I have an honest answer for the people who have been brave enough to ask. All I know is that in some weird way, it is therapeutic for me. The therapy doesn’t just come with the writing though, it’s wrapped up in the sharing as well, but I couldn’t really tell you why. I think I’m still trying to figure that out for myself.

I read posts like this one (please do yourself a favor and go read this immediately) and yearn to be able to offer introspection and clarity like this. I sometimes have moments where I stumble upon realizations about myself or about my journey and for that brief period, it’s worth it. Times when the words just flow from my fingertips and organize themselves into thoughts that reflect perfectly where my mind is at that very moment; as if I am channeling the Me I want to become. The Michelle who always holds her head up, looks people in the eye and speaks confidently about where she is and where she’s going; the Michelle who will be able to embrace the bulimic Michelle of her 20’s, the morbidly obese Michelle in her 30’s and the work in progress Michelle of right now.

She’s in there somewhere, I just have to keep digging. So far I think I may be halfway to her, my hands are caked in dirt and sometimes I’m so tired I just want to give up, but deep down I know I can’t. I owe it to myself, the person I am now who has come so far over the last several years deserves to break through that last bit of soil and grasp the hand of the person I’m meant to be and pull her free once and for all.

Feeling Better Today: Howz that for some crazy mood swings?

Feeling much better today. Yesterday sucked big time though. Trust me, you didn’t want to be anywhere around me because I was liable to break out in tears OR bite your head off depending on what mood you found me in. I know a majority of the craziness right now is hormones, but I have a few other things on my mind too so even without the hormones I’d probably still be kind of in a funk.

Mother’s day is always bittersweet for me. I enjoy celebrating with Tanner, but I also find that I miss my mother and grandmother so much around this time of year. Yesterday I went to get my nails done and there was a mother and daughter getting a pedicure behind me. It wasn’t difficult to overhear their conversation and they were preparing for a weekend trip down to the coast going on and on about how excited they were and how they were leaving right after the pedicure; that it was important that they have matching toes for their mother/daughter weekend, etc. Of course I got to thinking about when I was younger and would accompany my mom and grandmother to the salon and sit there listening to the adult conversation while they got their nails done. I tried and tried to not lose my composure, but…hormones I guess. My poor manicurist looked at me and said “You cry? Why you cry? I hurt you?” lol. I just explained that listening to the women behind me made me miss my mom and grandma .

Anyway, and yes…I’m single again and for good this time. I’m not going into it at length, but ultimately as I’ve pointed out before, I am just not ready for a relationship right now for a myriad of reasons. My post yesterday proves that. If all it takes is a breakup to send me into a tailspin reminiscent of my bulimia years…I have some other work to do on me before I try being a “we.”

As far as Greg goes, things have just been weird since we got back together after our last breakup. I think I was trying too hard to “reassure” him that I was all in this time and it spooked him, but honestly…I think it was inevitable regardless. I did develop some feelings for him, but even now, I’m not completely sure what they were. I think he probably felt similarly. I just think we would have been much better off keeping things friendly, but oh well.

I won’t be actively looking for a replacement either. I’m still going to get out and enjoy myself and if I happen upon a nice guy, then great, but I’m definitely guarding my heart even harder the next time around. I don’t think I’ll revisit the online dating thing again either. Just not for me.

By the way, the picture above was taken tonight at dinner with Erik and Tanner. Erik surprised me with dinner at a Pericos which was nice. It isn’t too far from where we live and we had always wanted to go. We had a good time. I tried their skinny girl margarita and I swear, I think it was skinny on the tequila because it tasted like water. The food was AWESOME though. Of course, I was only able to eat a little bit of an enchilada, a few chips and a spoonful each of rice and beans. LOVE the sleeve :)

I hope all the moms out there have a wonderful day tomorrow!

Don't worry about me, I will live to blog another day...

Note: this post is deeply depressing, but I do feel better after writing it. Not TONS better, but better so I suppose it was worthwhile getting it out of my system.

I’ve been staring at a blank page for the last five minutes wondering where to start or what to talk about. So much going on in my head right now and I honestly don’t know which feelings are genuine and which ones are what I’m *trying* to feel instead of what I’m actually feeling. I don’t know if that makes any sense, but if you expect clarity at any point in this post I’d suggest moving along to your next blog, because my brain is well and thoroughly scrambled at the moment.

I can’t tell if I’m nursing a broken heart or a bruised ego, all I know is I feel like crap either way and it is triggering some feelings I thought I left behind looooooong ago. The bad feelings where I beat myself up for imagining I was on my way to a better me or had a “better me” to offer anyone or anything. The part of me that says “How much more ridiculous can you possibly get Michelle?...that was a laugh…you thinking you actually were…whatever.”

Of course this negative self talk brought up demons from the past; the demons that triggered my bulimia and urged my 20-something self to starve-binge-purge-starve-binge-purge until I felt I’d been punished enough. I’m not saying I’m going to start this again, I’m just owning the fact that, for the first time in a very long time I felt that urge to punish myself, not eat…to quiet the voices of self doubt and self ridicule; as if I could absolve myself of my sins of being too *this* or too *that* but never quite enough of what really matters.

OMG, how ridiculous and melodramatic is this post lol?? Don’t worry, I’ll be ok…I think I’m just hormonal for one thing, missing my mom and grandmother and just…blah.

On a lighter note…I am planning on spending my “mother’s day” tomorrow hiking with Tanner and Erik at Guadalupe River State Park. It is supposed to be an easy hike to the river and then we will have a picnic lunch and maybe even play in the water a bit depending on how cold it is. Quite different from how I spent last mother’s day I’m sure and even though the first part of this post sounds like I have a jar of razor blades at arm’s reach, I’m still very happy with where I’m at today. For the most part…guess it is just going to take my head a bit longer than I thought to catch up with the body.

And yes, I’m seeking counseling because I obviously still have quite a few things to sort out when it comes to love, loss and life.

Long overdue update

I saw my neurosurgeon this past Thursday and honestly, I wasn’t all that impressed with him. First of all, the place where I had both MRI’s (of the brain and then the second one of the cervical spine) only sent the MRI of the brain so he couldn’t even address the chiari malformation diagnosis. He basically said that he was going to need to look at the MRI of the cervical spine and have me get a third MRI of the thoracic spine so that he could make sure I didn’t have a cyst on my spinal cord which I guess can happen with chiari malformation. I’m not excited about having a third MRI considering I’m not made of money and Greg suggested going to see another neurosurgeon for a second opinion which would be a heck of a lot cheaper than a third MRI. I’m considering it, especially since this doctor just didn’t see all that great…he rushed me through the appointment and seemed bothered by the few questions I had.

I also saw my gynecologist Wednesday. We are still on the hunt for the perfect birth control product. When I developed this last migraine, one of the first things I did was take out the nuvaring I had been using. I was in my second month with it and was desperate for anything to stop the migraine. Since being diagnosed with chiari malformation, I asked my gyno whether it was the nuvaring at all and she couldn’t say one way or the other, but thought it was time for us to just discuss an IUD. She has recommended Mirena because it doesn’t use any hormones and she thinks it will help the most with preventing the uterine lining from developing (which is the main reason I need to get on something to regulate my cycle). With PCOS, you can go months without a period which means the endometrial lining just continues to build up each month because it isn’t sloughed off. This can increase your chances for uterine cancer which is why most women with PCOS need help getting regulated. Anyway, we have to see what my insurance is going to pay because apparently the device costs $800.00. I’m double insured so hopefully one will pay what the other doesn’t, but I still may have a deductible to meet. Apparently you can only have it installed while you are on your period which is pretty disgusting…I don’t exactly relish the thought of having anyone fiddling with my vajayjay while I’m menstruating but I guess they are used to it.

Speaking of being double insured…I won’t be that way for much longer. I am actively trying to get the paperwork to make my divorce final. Apparently, we can go down to the law library, pay $12.00 for the paperwork, fill it out, run around making copies, getting stuff notarized and with another $299.00 we can make it official. This is something that has been on my “to do” list since the beginning of the year. Yes, my venture into the dating world kind of got the ball rolling in my head, but we all know this divorce is WAY past due. I haven’t been married in my head or my heart since Erik and I formally split back in 2007. Even though we’ve been living together, it is nothing like a married couple only sometimes, the lines still get blurred (mostly when it comes to finances). Formalizing the divorce isn’t going to really change any of that. We still plan on living together for the time being although more and more, I’m really getting to a place where I kind of want to be on my own. Then I feel selfish for feeling that way because I know how hard it will be on Tanner if we physically split the household. As long as Erik and I can get along, I just can’t see splitting the household up to suit my needs. I realize some might feel differently, but I have to do what feels right in my heart and for now, this is the right thing for Tanner and he is my number one priority.