Sometimes You Feel Like a Nut.....

Hi, me again. Bet you thought yesterday was another empty promise didn't you? Nope, I'm here and that picture up there? That would be part of today's confessional. Apparently my moment by moment 'tude failed me on my trip to CVS yesterday. Yep, all that crap in the picture, I bought on a binge.

I had to go to CVS to pick up some stuff that Erik absolutely refuses to buy for me (yes girlie products) and I made the mistake of not eating beforehand. As a matter of fact, I hadn't eaten since breakfast. I dropped Tanner off at Church with his "Big Brother" and ran to CVS. While I was there, I obviously got a craving or two and just went nuts (pardon the pun). I'll set the scene for you though, because it shows just how RIDICULOUS this compulsion is....

I arrive at CVS and immediately start thinking about going down the candy aisle once inside. I know I'm going for pads, but I can almost SMELL the chocolate. Immediately, a Nick-Shaped Angel (NSA for short...its his "gangsta" name...Nick is my own personal life coach... I refer to him every once in a while because he deserves the shout out xx) pops up on one side and says:

"Michelle, you've been working so hard! Think about your goals, think about how far you've come! Don't do this, you can move past it!"

About then, a very FAT looking demon, looking much like your's truly pops up, pushes NSA rudely aside and declares in a voice Linda Blair would be proud of:

"What the helicopter does he know? Every hormone in his body isn't SCREAMING for chocolate now is it? Oh yeah, it's real easy to flitter and flutter away over there when you have those pretty little wings and the sparkling little halo over your head. Let's see how far you'd get if we shot you full of estrogen, weighed you down with 400 lb sandbags and then put you smack dab in the middle of a candy aisle!"

Sparkling with the silvery light of healthy living, NSA whips his halo off and flings it violently at the Fat demon, wedging it between her bloated lips effectively shutting her up long enough to say:

"Don't listen to her Michelle, she doesn't want you to ever find that sexy Scotsman we know is out there just waiting to sweep you off your feet! He's never going to find your feet much less sweep you off them if you give in to her!"

It went on like this for 5-10 minutes as I huffed and puffed through CVS looking for the inedible products. Seriously, it was like a war between good and evil and the fact that I was breaking a sweat and already feeling an aching back and legs after 5 minutes of this less than vigorous activity did NOTHING to make me think twice about visiting that candy aisle. I mean....I obviously gave in because you see the booty there. I think the fat demon eventually sat on NSA because his sweet voice died out and I headed to the snack/candy aisle and loaded up.

It wasn't a conscious thing, but when I looked at it all together, I noticed all the nuts and peanut butter snacks...whats up with that? Maybe I should have given into that reeses egg craving during Easter.

As I walked up to the register, I start trying to think about how I'm going to look buying two packages of sanitary pads and all this chocolate. Even the humilation of making that kind of purchase didn't dissuade me though.

So, I came home...ate half a can of cashews and some of those reeses clusters (whatever they were) and a heath bar and was extremely ill for the rest of the evening. This morning, I dug my stash out of the hiding place in my room and took it to my ex husband to finish off or throw away. He stood guard while I arranged the booty for the picture and then loaded it all back into the grocery bag and hid it from me. Hopefully he'll gain the 10 lbs I might have if I had finished it all (totally kidding Erik).

Tanner came home from school and we promised each other that tomorrow we were going to do as much of the biggest loser workout video as we could. I tried to talk him into doing it today while I got dinner started, but he didn't want to do it without me and then he fell asleep on me after dinner :(.

So, we'll see what tomorrow brings :)

I've been eating a few too many of these lately...

I just wanted you guys to know that I am doing fine...I know I've been super slacking on posting lately. I will fess up and say that I haven't been doing all that great on the diet. I haven't weighed myself and I probably won't this week, but I haven't completely fallen off the wagon. Every day, it is usually *something* but I'm not going crazy which is still progress for me.

Why have I been so vulnerable? I really don't know. I'm definitely fighting my way back out of this depression. I've felt much better this last week, but I have been feeling rather overwhelmed. I had my recurring nightmare I usually get when I'm overwhelmed last night which is usually one of the following:

1. I'm chewing a big wad of bubble gum and can't seem to spit it out. It sticks to my gums and my teeth and as I try to pull it out my teeth come with it.

2. My mouth starts to fill with this paste; almost like my teeth are making it because it sticks to my teeth and I scrape and scrape but can't ever seem to get it all out of my mouth. If I do manage to clean it all out, the next thing I know, my mouth is full of it again.

Last night, it was the nasty paste. I'd almost rather have the gum dream because the paste is just disgusting; almost unclean or something blech. Maybe I should think about this dream whenever I'm craving something fattening. It certainly kills your appetite doesn't it?

So, why am I having these dreams and why am I feeling so overwhelmed? I think its because I've had a lot on my plate lately. First, I had to pay the taxman with money I really didn't have. Then my son did a number on both his hearing aid and cochlear implant. Work hasn't been all that great and one of my jobs isn't as lucrative as it once was so financially all the way around things are tight. I think because I typically handle stress like this with food its been more difficult because I'm also trying to lose weight. I don't WANT to turn to food to cope, but that creates its own kind of stress.

I've also held off on exercise until I can get a stress test done with my doctor (slated for April 30th). I've been having periodic symptoms and he wants to get a good idea about where my heart is functioning and make sure I'm on the right medication before I start taxing it too much. It's frustrating because I do want to start working out. I want to build my strength up because I know that once I start, It will start to snowball in the other direction (getting stronger), but something inside of me just feels so ...defeated...everytime I try to get started and realize my limitations. I know that I have to start somewhere, but sometimes, just thinking about how difficult it is and how slowly I have to start makes it seem like I will never get there and it kind of paralyzes me and makes me want to go back to bed.

I realize this sounds incredibly pathetic, but I'm just being honest about what I struggle with on a daily basis. I keep making "plans", new ideas about exercise, buying bands, downloading this, printing off a workout regime, etc but I never actually get around to DOING any of it and its pissing me off frankly. I HATE being *that* person who does nothing but sit around and moan about her problems but does NOTHING to change her situation. I guess that's the main reason I haven't been posting. I don't want to lie and say I'm sticking to the plan, working out, etc when I'm not but I don't want to get on here and moan and whine about how "hard" it is to get motivated either.

Maybe I'm spending too much time thinking too far ahead. I do that and then start making a mental list of everything I have to do and before I know it, I'm feeling overwhelmed and just want to lose myself in a book or by going to sleep. Maybe I need to throw all my plans out the window and just take it moment by moment?

One thing I am planning on doing this week is posting here every day regardless of whether or not I think I have anything to say. I need to just get myself back into the groove because when I was posting every day I found it much easier to stay on track. Here's to day 1!

Weigh in and I'm feeling good.

Just a quick post to share some good news and some bad news. The bad news is I was sick AGAIN over the weekend with some kind of tummy bug. The good news is I lost 5 lbs in one day which got me to an all time low of 438!!! Of course, It will probably come back on as soon as I rehydrate, but for now....a big YAY for weighing in dehydrated :) That is 27 lbs. so far and I'm finally starting to feel it. So much so that I may even try the treadmill again. I'll let you know how that goes.

I had honestly hoped to be under 400 lbs by my birthday which is this week...not going to happen, but so what. It was an extremely optimistic, but highly unrealistic goal to shoot for. I got halfway there so I'll take it. I'm very happy to be down 27 lbs and am going to do my best to keep the ball rolling in that direction.

I am finally truly feeling like I'm crawling out of the mini depression I had. Thanks to everyone who was so supportive and left comments. I may not have commented back, but please know that it really did help to know I wasn't alone. It also helped me get back on track once I started to feel more like myself.

For me, the depressive episodes are more annoying than anything else. I don't like being the whining, woe is me type, but sometimes it gets a bit overwhelming and I have my little pity party and then move on.

Hopefully this means I'll be posting more regularly as well. I have missed it, but didn't want to come here and just moan about the same old stuff everyday. I knew I'd get through it and figured I'd spare you guys.

I am going out to lunch with a friend of mine tomorrow so I'll try to get her to take a pic of my hair (finally). It's probably going to be totally anticlimatic though lol. I mean, it looks better, but with all the build up, don't expect Martina Mcbride ok?

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Spirit Jump

Hi there, I'm working late tonight which explains the late post, but at least I'm posting right? Today was a decent day. I have stayed within my plan limits, didn't get any physical activity because my day was kind of flip flopped. Yesterday, Tanner and I got all ready to go, but he wasn't happy about WHAT we were doing and i just wasn't looking special enough to actually walk INTO the YMCA and exercise lol. I know you don't have to look hot to go workout and when you are me, there isn't a whole lot that's going to improve my looks at this point, but even I have some standards left.

I'm feeling better psychologically and hoping I'm on an upswing. One thing I did this week that I think helped was to do my first ever Spirit Jump! I know that there are others out there who are struggling with their own problems and "down days" and sometimes it helps to just reach out and help someone else. The person I got to reach out to this week was Jonathan. He just turned 15 a week ago and he is battling brain cancer. You can visit his blog by clicking on the link on the right. He's just a year older than my son so of course I have tried to put myself into his parent's shoes and I just can't. I remember how horrifying it was to have to face a serious and possibly life threatening illness with Tanner, yet I still can't imagine what they must be going through right now. I can only hope that the work of other spirit jumpers helps brighten their day during what must be a very dark period in their lives.

It doesn't take much to be a spirit jumper. Send a card if that's all you can afford. Trust me, it doesn't have to be an elaborate gift to remind someone that people CARE about what they are going through. I can guarantee that their spirit won't be the only spirit getting jump-started...

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Weigh in looked a little sum'n like this...

If only...I stepped on the scale today and I was back down by some miracle. I think I had mentioned a gain of about 7 lbs, I am now within one pound of my lowest weight since starting this diet. That did a little bit to brighten my spirits.

I am doing ok, I hesitate to say better because I'm still struggling. Financially, things are really crazy for us right now. We OWE taxes and have no money so I was stressing about getting them done in time and trying to decide how we were going to pay them. I paid them of course, now I just have to do more budget juggling to pay everything else. My income from my second job hasn't been all that great, but thankfully the month before was a much better month so I'm hoping that will balance everything out.

Now, we just have to figure out where we are going to get the money we need to fix tanner's hearing aid and cochlear and pay for some kind of dental procedure next month. OH! And he needs super expensive shoes (like $500 a pair) and he needs TWO pairs of them because he has wonky feet (one foot is two sizes smaller)...the kids a mess. I'm hoping that I might get some help from the Shriners for that.

Anyway, when it comes to money, I've come to learn that you can only do what you can do. Prioritize and hope the rest pans out. It usually does.

So on top of everything else I shared this has been heaped on all the stress I've been under. I'm still coping with super low energy, but I've managed to get a little activity in using a Biggest Loser DVD. So far, it isn't a bunch, but its something. The YMCA pool opens in just a few weeks and I am SO looking forward to being able to get back there with Tanner. It is just a nice place to go to get him out and around other kids that isn't stressful. I do my laps in the pool, while he swims or shoots down the slides lol.

I've not been doing all that bad when it comes to eating. I typically manage to stay on program for most of the day and if I go off for a meal, I think I manage to stay within my quotas for the day. Guess that explains the loss.

I'm currently waiting for Tanner to get home from school. I"m exhausted and trying not to talk myself out of going somewhere to get some kind of exercise. I'll let you know how it works out tomorrow!!

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Try, try again....

I'm kind of *whispering* this because I don't want to proclaim something only to crash and burn tomorrow, but today I actually felt pretty darn good. I was able to focus on work and actually get something done. Erik and I also had a conversation about his concerns about his weight and how he's been struggling with staying motivated to do anything about it just as I have. We have come up with a plan of sorts that I'll probably go into more tomorrow.

I wanted to thank every single one of you who offered your support. As I blog more, you will probably see me do this. Again, I don't necessarily think I'm bipolar or anything quite that severe. I have legitimate crap in my life that gets me down; sometimes, I withdraw a bit just to conserve myself and keep from getting completely overwhelmed. I cut back in areas where I can so that I can be there for my son. If I'm worrying about all the things I think I *have* to do, then I find that the really important stuff starts to suffer. Reading your comments helped so much. This truly is an amazing community to be part of and I know that having this outlet and you guys for support is what is keeping me coming back again and again rather than giving up completely. In the past, an episode like this would probably be enough to derail me for a good 4-6 months. Not that I would have spent that much time depressed, but the depression would have knocked me off my efforts to diet and lose weight and I wouldn't revisit them again for another 4-6 months. Of course by then, I would be slightly heavier than I was the last time I started and just *that* much further behind.

The accountability of this blog keeps me focused. I know its frustrating for those that care about me (friends and family mostly) to see me experience some success and then fail again. It must be very much like having an alcoholic in the family go several weeks without drinking and then coming home to find them on their sixth beer. I hate knowing this is the effect I have on those I love when I fall off the wagon, but I AM committed to making a change, I WILL get there.

PS. I'm also going to try my hardest to get a picture here in the next day or two. The stars have to align just right apparently for me to get my hair AND makeup done when they both look good. Lately, I've had days where my hair looks fabulous but my makeup looks like crap and other days where my hair looks like crap and ....well lets face it, if my hair looks like crap, I probably don't even bother with makeup. As soon as I have both looking good, I'll take a pic lol. In the meantime, I'll see if shannon can send me the lovely one she took of me in foils :)

In closing, I will leave you with this quote that helped me put my stumblings into perspective:

"Keep on going, and the chances are that you will stumble on something, perhaps when you are least expecting it. I never heard of anyone ever stumbling on something sitting down." ~Charles F. Kettering

I got where I was a few months ago by sitting on my butt for too long. I'm stumbling a bit right now, but thats because I KEEP ON MOVING. I'm going to try to cut myself some slack and embrace the fact that I'm still thinner and much better off than I was before I started this journey.

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Sorry for my absence of late. I’ve kind of felt myself slipping into a depression, the post below is actually a post I sent to an email list I’m on that helps people cope with a marriage that breaks up under the circumstances mine did. I don’t really have the energy to do a whole post from scratch so I’ve tweaked this one. Forgive me for cheating. Some of what is in this post has already been covered earlier in my blog, so bear with some redundancy.

Thanks to all my twitter peeps who kept me away from the mojitos and blizzards today. Hopefully the scale will thank you next week. I WILL try to get some pics of my new hair in the next few days. That did help raise my spirits a bit.
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As far as my depression, I hoped it was just exhaustion, but I guess its not. I've been fighting it, but my insurance recently decided that my anti-depressants were too expensive and insisted that I change to a generic and I don't think they are working as well as they should. I hate it and I fight it hard when I feel it coming on, but I think sometimes it just makes it harder when the bottom kind of drops out of my basket. I know that I will get past it and be ok...maybe I'm just hormonal right now...thats what I'm hoping.

Last week I was exhausted, couldn't get enough sleep and I was worried that I was on the downhill slide, but kept telling myself I had been working too hard. I rarely get "boo hoo" depressed. It manifests itself in exhaustion and apathy for the most part, but I know it affects my son as well because no matter how hard I try to be "up" for him during these bouts, he tends to kind of "unravel" around the same time which only makes things worse.

I've pretty well moved past the fact that my marriage is done. I know that I would never go back to my husband no matter what he told me at this point. We are still great friends and care about each other as we always have, but we have concluded that while we think we would have always been great friends, we just should have never gone further than that.

I am working right now and a few moments ago I had to look up some church times for someone and it got me to thinking about this weekend. The last 10 years have really tested my faith and I hung in there when I almost lost my son at 15 months old. He survived meningitis but was left deaf and with subtle brain damage that manifests itself in behavioral problems that have truly made our lives a daily struggle. I prayed my way through each day, asking God to give me the strength I needed to be the kind of mother Tanner needed; asking for him to guide me in raising him to cope with his frustration and anger and while it was truly difficult to get through the day most days, I felt Him with me and it gave me strength.

We kind of treaded water for a few years and then 2001 I lost my great grandmother right around the time my mother was diagnosed with lung cancer. We had already been struggling with my grandmother's breast cancer recurrence and ultimately lost her 6 months after my great grandmother. My mother would be next dying 6 months after my grandmother on Thanksgiving day. A month before my mother died I learned that my relationship with my husband may not have been as strong as I always thought it had been. We had a very dramatic heart to heart where I asked him to please tell me if he wanted out, but he told me that he loved me more than he ever had, that we had a connection he hadn't experienced with anyone in his life...even his family and confirmed time and time again that there was nothing to worry about. I think that I was just too emotionally exhausted to push it any further. We had just celebrated our 7 year anniversary and convalidated our marriage in the Catholic Church, I had gone through classes and converted and up to the point of disclosure, my faith was stronger than it had ever been despite going through all the loss we had experienced. I look back and I see that first disclosure is what put that first "chink" in my faith.

I was trying SO hard to find meaning in all the crap we had gone through and discovering that my relationship with the person closest to me might be in question shook the foundations of my faith. Over the next five years, various stresses continued to erode my marriage and my faith. My son was spiraling out of control and no medication, therapy, anything seemed to be helping him manage his frustration and frequent meltdowns and both my husband and myself were tired. We had stopped going to church because Tanner could no longer sit through mass and in our own exhaustion and anger, I think we refused to go separately as a way of thumbing our nose at God. We were tired and pissed off at watching everyone else around us enjoy their children and families and whine about things like finding time to help children with their homework, getting them to all their activities, attending yet another birthday party that weekend when our gripes were how to get our son through a meltdown without hurting himself or someone else or how to chisel out a few moments a day to replenish ourselves to face the next day.

We had NOBODY to really help us with Tanner after my mother passed away. Erik's mom could no longer watch him for us (her way to cope with him was to give him whatever he wanted, give in to his tantrums, etc). Our lives became nothing more than work and tag-teaming tanner, living from meltdown to meltdown. We were just SURVIVING, coexisting, but not living. There was very little joy in our lives and I'm sure this all led up to the true disclosure moment which finally snipped whatever fragile tendril of faith I was able to preserve. For the first time in my life, I felt truly isolated. I have very little family left (just a grandfather and aunt/uncle/cousins) so I had kind of comforted myself in the knowledge that I would always have Erik. He and Tanner were my family now and we would make it through together; we'd eventually sort things out. We were fighters all of us. When I finally had to face the fact that my husband and I were going to have to split, that I would never grow old with him after spending almost half my life with him (we met when we were 19) and that my small family unit was no more....it was almost more than I could take. Add to that the fact that we had to hospitalize our son 7 times that year and I was just about all but completely tapped out of happy.

Over the past couple of years, things have improved. Erik and I still live together for financial reasons, but mostly for the sake of our son. Its been working just fine..he sleeps in Tanner's room, I sleep in a room to myself. Tanner has started to improve as he matures which has made a huge improvement for all of us. It is still a challenge, but I finally have some hope that perhaps he may have a better life than I had imagined he'd have just a few short years ago. I've begun to pick up the pieces and I'm looking forward to the next half of my life. I'm slowly rebuilding the damage I did to my body piling on the pounds as I coped with the stress of the last decade + the only way I knew how..with food. I'll get there, I know I will.

I hate when I get caught off guard though. Like researching that request I mentioned. It made me think that maybe I should take Tanner to see the stations of the cross. He's been asking a lot of questions about God and while I answer them as if I still believe, I don't know anymore. I looked up "Stations of the Cross" in our city and the first link was to the grotto where my husband proposed to me and I find myself in tears over something I haven't cried over in at least a year. If there is a God....WTF? The first time I think about heading back to church and out of a random google I get my face rubbed back in the mess that has been my life. The mess that I had slowly pulled my way out of ALL ON MY OWN. It just pisses me off all over again.

When you find yourself blindsided or in a weak moment, where do you find your strength if your faith and family is gone?

PS. to add insult to injury...as I'm closing this a song I've never heard before came on and seemed to echo what I'm feeling right now. It's "Life on the Moon" by David Cook. God is either getting a lot of satisfaction out of rubbing my face in it or I'm working out some seriously twisted karma.

Someone tell me a good joke before I slit my wrists (totally kidding...I have a warped sense of humor)
If you've read this far, thank you xx

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So that is where my head is at at the moment. I’ll find my way back. I know that blogging and the support I get from you guys is what has really given me hope again that I can get my weight off. I will try to post more as I struggle to work my way back to the land of the living. I'll get there....I always do :)