And people wonder why I feel like such an ogre...

Don't you love how I always start these posts off by saying I'm going to wrap it up in a nutshell and then....five pages later...I'm ready to post? The real nutshell is this:

HCG isn't for me. I'm back on a sensible diet and have lost the five lbs I put on while loading for the hcg. I've been back to the pool last week and have started other exercises at home to build up my strength. I've called my surgeon to schedule my surgery for mid to late June and I WILL have the weight off by then.

Now for the crazy vent that just had to happen so that I could get to sleep tonight. If Erik is one of your favorite people, you may want to stop reading because this is pretty much all about him.

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I’ve started and stopped writing this post for the last several days. Really since my last post. I’ve just had so much crap going on and I didn’t want to get on here and just bitch about my crappy life some more so I elected to not say anything at all. I don’t really want to go into elaborate detail, so I’ll just bullet point everything so I can just move on with the weight loss and exercise bit which is all anyone probably really wants to hear at this stage in the game:

*my dog ran away
*erik has some neck problem that required a $500 MRI and Physical Therapy that is going to cost us another $120 a week and seeing as he can’t afford it, guess who gets to pay for it???
*Tanner demolished his cochlear processor a month or so ago and we just found out that it is going to cost $1500 to repair. Looks like he’s just going to have to be a little bit deafer for a little bit longer
*even though Erik can barely afford to pay his share of the bills each month, he is talking about trying to go back to school and while he says he’ll square away the finances on his own, I just have this feeling it is going to add to my already unbelievable financial burden and I’m just DONE making up the difference all the f'ing time.
*Erik’s rich friend offered to pay for his THIRD f'ing vacation since we split up (I haven’t had one f'ing vacation the entire time we’ve been married) and when I spoke up about not relishing the idea of juggling Tanner for four days WHILE I tried to work from home, this guy called me a vindictive bitch for “orchestrating” the whole thing just to take the “only four days out of the year he has off” away from him. In all fairness to Erik, he didn’t have a problem when I mentioned that it was stressing me out, but come on……why did I even have to point out the f'ing obvious??
*Tanner threw a teacher’s phone which means that he (read me) has to reimburse her for it. He’s been thoroughly punished and doing extra chores and had all kinds of shit taken away in order to “pay” for it, but it doesn’t negate the fact that it’s coming out of my pocket
*I am so tired of never having a f'ing car that I am seriously about to go postal on someone. I have to rely on a friend to get to the gym and I’m just sick and damn tired of trying to figure out how I’m going to get stuff done; not to mention, it is almost summer and I’d like to be able to go back to the outdoor pool with tanner. And, whenever I get this worked up about it, I can’t help but be a little pissed at Erik for putting me in the f'ing position where my car got repossessed in the first place.
*speaking of pool, the cherry on top of this crap sundae happened yesterday during a sweet little conversation Erik and I had about pool memberships. WE were looking at a local pool and they had three different kinds of memberships: individual, plus one, and family. At first I said that I thought maybe we could just do the plus one since we are hardly ever able to do anything together due to work schedules. Then I noticed that they were open until 9PM on Fridays and Saturdays and said “Hey, I bet that would be fun! It would be an inexpensive way for us to get out as a family..” and although erik wasn’t facing me, something in his body language immediately alerted me to the fact that he was instantly uncomfortable.

Why don’t we just take this bullet and blog about it because it is what is really eating me for the last day or two. So, normally when I see Erik get like this, I joke it off…give him a pass…make up a million and one damn excuses for why it is perfectly ok for him to be ashamed of me. I don’t know what got into me, but maybe its just been the last few weeks of hell that have put me in one of the all time bitchiest moods I’ve been in for quite some time. Maybe its because I’m actively working out and trying to watch what I eat and not coping so much with food when I have these emotions. I don’t know, but this time it just all came out. I made a comment along the lines of “Oh, I guess you probably wouldn’t be up to that, being seen with me in a swimming suit…the horror!” He said nothing, didn’t turn around from the computer, nothing. “what’s the big deal Erik honestly? You see what I wear, I have a pair of swim shorts and wear a shirt over my suit, it isn’t like I’m going to be flouncing around in a one piece” he made some kind of dismissive “pshaw.” For probably the first time in my life, I didn’t back down..”Really erik, what the F do you CARE what other people think? It isn’t like I’m going to be kissing all over you and trying to hold your hand or something” his response? “Anyways…moving on.” Yeah, I think I’ve said before that he doesn’t like to talk about stuff like this and lucky for him, he picked someone who is a chronic smoother over, fix anything, delicately step around everybody else’s f'ing feelings kind of girl so I’ve never made things quite so uncomfortable for him before.

Hurt and disgusted, I got up from the bed in his room and went into my office to cry. He decided that was the PERFECT time to go get the batteries we needed for our fire alarms. While he was gone, I decided that I wasn’t done talking about this so when he got back I asked him to come in so we could talk. He stood in the doorway as if he was WILLING me to ask him what the weather was like so he could shut the door and move on with his life. I suggested he sit and he had the f'ing nerve to act SURPRISED that I might want to be having a lengthy convo about something that was obviously important to me….what could it possibly be?

I basically told him that I wasn’t stupid. That I KNOW the real reason why he won’t go out to dinner as a family….why he turns down ANY suggestion that we go out in public in any f'ing form. That the look of discomfort on his face doesn’t go unnoticed whenever he’s talked about a work or school function and I even halfway acted like I might be interested in going. I acknowledged that about the only damn thing he WILL do with me in public is go to the movies with tanner and I because he can walk faster than I can and if he puts enough distance between us and makes it to the theater before I do or…better yet…has me walk on ahead then nobody has to know we are together. Of course we sit together, but he’s always sure to have Tanner between us lest anyone think we are a FAMILY.

I also told him that I UNDERSTAND having a fleeting moment of discomfort…wondering how many people are going to stare, is someone going to say something. I UNDERSTAND not being able to help those feelings to begin with, but what I can’t understand is WHY after 20 years with me being the only real person in his life who accepts him for exactly who he is, being the one person he KNOWS he could always turn to, the mother of his child, his wife for 13 years, his best friend for 20…WHY NONE OF THAT F'ING MATTERS now that I’m 400+.

He tried to blame it on being “worried” about me. He’s worried that I may fall somewhere and he used an incident that happened recently (that I don’t think I got around to blogging about) where I fell outside our house. I was able to pull myself up, but for a few long minutes we weren’t sure what we were going to do. He said he thought he was going to have to call the fire department to come haul my ass off our neighbor’s lawn. This might even be a halfway decent excuse for his behavior if half the time he refuses to do something like what I’ve mentioned above he didn’t immediately suggest that Tanner and I do it minus him. If he is so worried about me, then WHY is he suggesting that his son would be any better equipped to handle it if something along those lines happened? I call bullshit.

The problem here is that I KNOW that if the shoes were reversed, if it were him that were morbidly obese, I *might* have the same sort of initial *cringe* worrying about what other people might say to him or stare at him, etc. But the difference here is that I would be worried about how it would affect HIM…not how it would affect ME. I wouldn’t care what some stranger thought about ME being with him as a friend or otherwise because I have 20 years of history with this man. While things haven’t been perfect, I’ve always thought he was an amazing man and father and while I won’t take the amazing father from him…I’m beginning to wonder if this amazing man was just more of the f'ing fabrication I made so that we could go on living our façade of the happy family. So, up to this point…all things being perfect….I would have said “Screw all those other people, let them stare, let them say whatever the hell they want. He is MORE than his body. He is an amazing father, he has a mother and sister that love him, friends that care about him for who he is…these people don’t know all that so yeah….they are going to judge him by his shell, but SO F'ING WHAT!” If he’s interested in doing something health for him and for his family, I’m going to support him in whatever way I can and screw what anybody else thinks. You know what his answer to that was? “I guess you are just a better person than I am.”

At that point I just said “Alrighty then, I guess that is all there is to say about that then isn’t there?” Because really…what more can we say? It is what it is. He’s embarrassed and ashamed of me and NOTHING else that makes me who I am means enough to him to support me regardless. So what CAN I really say or do about it? Nothing.

This obvious vent isn’t so much about this ONE thing. It is about feeling as if I’m having the same “There is no Santa Clause” moment over and over and over again. How many times am I going to have these blinders ripped from my f'ing head before I SEE things for what they really are? I have never meant to him what he meant to me. I never WILL mean anything more to him even on a friendship basis. And the saddest thing? He will NEVER live up to the man I built him up to be in my head. It just isn’t in him.