Amputation does not equal Decapitation

Ok, so I promised a big update. First of all, on the surgery front, my date for surgery has been moved up to June 29th which means I have about 2.5 weeks to D-day…YIKES! However, yesterday, I got a call from the people that did the sleep study and apparently they want me to come in for another one where they watch me sleep with the cpap on. I definitely have apnea (duh…knew that), but they need to watch me and figure out what the pressure should be, etc. This kind of throws a wrench into things because you have to be on the cpap for at least two weeks prior to surgery and they can’t get me in for the sleep study until the 20th. I contacted my doctor’s scheduler yesterday to inquire about whether it would effect the surgery date, but haven’t heard back yet. If we have to move it, I know the first two weeks of July are out for the doctor and I’m not all that excited about having it done the end of July because that is when Tanner’s birthday is.

I’m kind of worried about delaying the surgery any more because it seems this is the first time I’ve really talked myself into going through with it. I’ve psyched myself up and I just want to rip that band-aid off and do it! I also have a few people in my life who see how I’m doing now and can’t help but ask “What if you just continued on the way you are doing now and didn’t risk your life with the surgery?” I can almost sense this question coming and my immediate instinct is to press my hands tightly to the sides of my head and sing “LALALALALALALALALALA” until their lips stop moving. I know it is silly, but I realize how fragile my resolve is and this is the exact argument I’ve used for the last 10 years (I saw my first bariatric surgeon 10 years ago) to talk myself out of the surgery and we see where it has led me.

I have been yo-yo dieting for most of my life. I’m really good at getting some footing, getting a decent amount of weight off and then, for whatever reason, losing ground again. Those of you who have read my blog for any length of time have witnessed this first hand. It isn’t that I WANT to live the way I’ve been living, it is just that as strong as I’ve come to realize I can be, I have limits just like anyone else. Depending on my commitment level, I can often weather the little setbacks and persevere in my dieting and exercising pursuits, but it is the all too chronic shit storm of crap that pummels me on a semi-regular basis that beats me down. You get to a certain point where you just don’t care about anything anymore so what does it matter if you eat that entire container of ice cream or grab a big mac?

I realize that I am ALWAYS going to have to deal with my food issues. I’m amputating a good portion of my stomach, NOT my head and let’s face it…that is where most of this battle is waged. I am hoping that initially, the surgery will help with the real “hunger” issues and force me, for the first few months, to restrict my intake which should result in weight loss which should also lead to me increasing my activity level which should assist in more weight loss and hopefully, by the time I have to start relying on good old will power again, I will be better equipped and more motivated to do what needs to be done to continue on this journey. (howz about an award for creating a paragraph consisting of almost one sentence lol?)

Don’t get me wrong though…I’m not crossing my fingers and *hoping* that I’ll be better equipped. I am beginning to think ahead and trying to anticipate what my stumbling blocks are going to be. I see my surgeon this week for my pre-op appointment and I’m going to ask him for a referral to a psychologist that has some experience dealing with bariatric patients. I’m also going to start attending the bariatric support group. My weight is a physical manifestation of what is going on inside my head and I’m hoping that, by taking these measures now, I will have my head in a better place when the time comes.