Facing my demons

I have been avoiding my blog like the plague! That is obvious to you guys of course, but don’t take it personally. I have just really been struggling with anxiety about the surgery and I guess blogging = thinking/talking about it = the avoidance. Nice healthy way to deal with my feelings right?

I’ve actually written several different posts, but didn’t post them because they just sounded like this laundry list of “what I’ve been doing.” Not that I have to have profound insight every time I write, but if I’m bored reading it, I don’t want to post it and bore you guys.

I don’t want you to think I’m having second thoughts about the surgery. I know I need to do this. I’m very much looking forward to being on the other side of the surgery. As I’ve said a zillion times, if I didn’t have Tanner to worry about, I’d wear bells to the operating room. I think it makes it more difficult knowing that HE is old enough to understand what I’m going to be doing and has his own anxiety about it. Bless his heart, he’s trying to be brave for me though. Yesterday, I apologized to him for being kind of short with him and just explained that I was getting nervous about the surgery so that made me kind of cranky. He took my hand in both of his and said “Don’t worry mom, you are going to be ok…I promise.” Wahhhhhhhhh! He was such a sweetheart about it and then later, Erik tells me that he told his therapist that he was worried about the surgery because it was “risky” (not a word he has ever used before lol). The doctor tried to help him put it into perspective by asking him how risky he thought it was and Tanner, in typical Tanner fashion said “A little bit risky, a little bit not risky” which of course reminded me about the time he said the dinner I’d cooked one evening was “A little bit good, a little bit terrible.” He’s not one to commit to anything that Tanner.

So, knowing that my kiddo was putting on a brave face for ME when he was really feeling anxiety of his own just broke my heart :( I talked to him a little more last night though and showed him a simplified video of what the doctor is going to be doing so he would have some idea. I also told him that my doctor is a specialist in laparoscopic surgery and that the doctor wasn’t worried at all. I’m sure he’ll still be concerned, but hopefully it helped.

Erik is concerned as well. The other day, he was taking me to a doctor’s appointment and I asked him how he was feeling about everything. He said that he was anxious, but excited for me all at the same time. He’s always bitched and moaned about the money I spent on “incentive” clothes I’d buy on clearance in smaller sizes, most of which are in my closet as we speak with the tags still on them. He told me that he is looking forward to watching me get into all the new clothes and essentially watching me get my old self back. One of the things he said he always loved about me was how well I took care of myself (apart from the weight thing lol). I always had my hair, nails and makeup done, cute clothes, etc. The heavier I got, the more I just said….what the heck until all I wore pretty much were tshirts and workout pants (because I’m such a sporty 400+woman ya know…).

We also had another talk about the whole swimming pool incident. I was pretty honest with him about how it made me feel and Erik basically told me that the whole thing said more about HIM and his flaws than it did about me. He apologized again and I could tell that he really was upset that it had upset me so much. I still don’t think he’d jump at the chance to accompany me to the swimming pool, but what I did realize is that he does care about me…he’s just flawed in some ways like we all are. Tonight, he is going to help me go through my closet and organize the clothing by size so that I know what I have and can have an idea about when I can start trying certain things on. I may even take a few pics and blog about the experience tomorrow.

As an update on the surgery, I will be having it this Tuesday June 29th at 11:00AM CST so keep me in your prayers if you are the praying sort :) I plan on having Erik post an update if he has time. He will for sure be updating my facebook acct and I know some of you are on there too.