Enough

Hi. It’s me. Sorry I’ve been so neglectful of my blog. I don’t really have a good excuse. I’ve been trying to figure out why it was so hard to log back in and post an update. I think I finally figured out that there may be a few reasons, but none of them really going into. The biggest reason is probably because this blog was always about taking a long hard look at myself and I think I’ve been avoiding that mirror because I’m not entirely sure I’m going to like what I see. I know I won’t despise what I see, but I’m not quite to the point I thought I was; where I could look myself dead in the eye with confidence and be satisfied with the woman who was reflected back. I can’t say I’m worse off. I’m still working the same job and enjoy going to work every day. I haven’t lost much more weight, but I haven’t gained either. I’m still dating the same man and while I know he cares for me as much as he can, I don’t know that my relationship with him is a whole lot different than the relationship I had with Erik. He treats me well, but in so many ways, I find myself struggling with a lot of the same relationship issues: feeling like everything is more on his terms, feeling like I give more than I get, yearning for a connection that just isn’t there. I’ve been talking to him more and more about how I feel even though I know it is difficult for him; hoping that he’ll…I don’t know what I’m hoping he’ll do honestly…I guess I’m hoping that he’ll magically transform into the man I want him to be. A few weekends ago, I just broke down and really talked about what it was like being married to Erik. Loving him so much, turning myself inside and out trying to be the person that he could love in the same way yet never quite being …enough; no matter what I did. I was honest with him and told him that sometimes, the things he did, the way he reacted or the things he said put me right back in those moments where I felt I was lacking something that would elude me forever. He instantly responded with “you are enough.” Later that night, as I was headed home, he sent me a link with “song #6.” I thought he was just sending me some song he liked (that I’d probably hate…we do NOT have the same taste in music lol) because he’s not the sort of dude to send a girl a song that reminded him of her. I got home and initially couldn’t pull up the link. I finally found it and saw the title “Like Jesus Does.” I’d never heard it or the artist that sang it so I still wasn’t expecting the song that started when I pulled it up on youtube. It touched me, but it also wasn’t lost on me that it was more about how I made him feel; not so much how he felt about me. Since that weekend, I’ve done a lot of thinking and the hardest realization I came to was that while it did mean a lot to me to have him look me dead in the eye, reach for my hand and tell me that I was enough and later follow it up with the sweet text with the song, I’m just not sure that its “enough” for me. He’s never said the words “I love you.” I’ve only said it a few times myself and each time he pulls me close and kisses the top of my head, but he never answers in kind. I realized long ago, that my penchant for going after emotionally unavailable men had everything to do with my self-esteem issues. If I could just make them love me, it would validate me in some way I needed validation. I never thought of myself as a girl with “daddy issues,” but I’ve come to realize that is exactly what my problem is. I spent a lot of my childhood wondering how my father could watch another year go by, another birthday, Christmas, graduation, all those milestones…and not wonder about me. Part of me, even then, was trying to be someone he could be proud of; if and when he ever tried to look for me. What I didn’t know until I was about 21 was that, not only had my father passed away when I was around 13, but he had been fed lies that led him to believe he wasn’t even my father so…all that time, he wasn’t thinking about me at all. So, I guess I’m a big ol’ cliché; repeating the same patterns over and over again in my relationships trying to finally make daddy love me. Obviously, that is only one thing I have to work on where my head is concerned. I’ve started seeing a therapist though; I have my second visit with him tomorrow. I’m supposed to describe my vision of a “happy life.” Honestly, I’m a much happier person for the most part. The things that would make me happiest aren’t things I can do much about and aren’t likely to change. So, all I can do is work on the parts that I do have control over. Guess I’ll just keep on keepin’ on and see where I wind up.

Where do you buy your clothes?

Someone just posted a comment on my blog asking where I buy my clothes. Thanks for your sweet compliment btw :). I have to say that now that I have lost weight, I LOVE LOVE LOVE getting dressed every day. Two years ago, I LIVED in 8x tshirts and workout pants that never saw the inside of a gym. I rarely bothered with hair and makeup and felt anything but pretty or feminine.

It is so funny because the people I work with, the friends I’ve made over the last year or so…they only know THIS Michelle…the one that gets pedicures, has her nails done, enjoys dolling herself up, even if it is just to go to the grocery store. In the last year, I’ve had so many people remark about what a “girly” girl I am…I can’t help but wonder what they would have said if they had seen me just a few years ago?

The sad truth is, this is how I was in my 20’s. Erik used to call me his “glam girl.” Not a lot, but he referred to me a few times and one time when he was being honest with me about what he missed the most with my weight gain, he admitted that he missed how much care I took with my appearance; how “together” I was.

Now don’t get me wrong; putting clothes together doesn’t come naturally to me, but I’m getting better at it. I have many days I’m sure I’m a major fashion “don’t,” but I have fun playing around with clothes and accessories now. Speaking of fashion don’ts, you see the leopard dress I wore in a few of those pics? That was a dress I bought for my birthday party and I felt like a diva out that night! However, when I was looking back at the pictures I laughed because the first thing that came to my mind was how Wilma Flintstone would get all decked out to go with Fred to the Lodge…THAT is what I looked like :P Oh well, now I know what I’m going to be for Halloween although I’m hoping that dress will be too big for me by then.

Incidentally, that dress was a size 18!! I haven’t been in a size 18 since I was 21! I know today’s 18 is probably more like a 22/24 back in my 20’s, but still ;) Overall, I am fast moving out of 22/24 and more into 18/20 now and it feels amazing. I haven’t been in a 14/16 as an adult EVER and it is surreal knowing that is the next size down. I just can’t wrap my brain around it.

Ok, so where do I shop? Here are the stores I buy most of my clothes from:

Avenue
Lane Bryant
One Stop Plus
Torrid
Ashley Stewart

I’m at a point now where I can also shop at Ross as well.

I actually got quite a bit off craigslist, but most of them come from these stores. Lots of people getting rid of clothes for the same reason I now have 3 32 gallon totes full of clothes to get rid of. For $60 I got about 30 pairs of jeans, capris and other pants along with numerous tops from one woman. Another woman gave me 2 big totes full of clothes to go through for about $20. I couldn’t wear all of them, but found some cute stuff in there. The black top with the little gold halter thing in one of my pics was one of my favorites.

For today, I’ll elaborate on some items I’ve purchased at Avenue and go through the other stores each day this week. Please don’t think I’ve gotten full of myself and feel like I have any major fashion tips to pass on. Honestly, my friend Shannon thinks my sense of style is atrocious lol! She says I’m too trendy and she’s probably right. Most of the stuff I bought in my 20’s I probably couldn’t have worn now even if I hadn’t gotten rid of them years ago. I actually had a pair of harem pants guys lol…hows THAT for trendy? I’m sharing mainly because:

1. someone commented on my blog and I love talking clothes now even if my sense of “style” often isn’t everyone’s cup of tea.
2. I know how hard it can be to find cute stuff in plus sizes.
3. I’ve discovered certain cuts and styles tend to flatter my particular shape so those of you who have similar body types (hourglassy) might want to try similar cuts and see how they look on you.
4. I do actually think I can offer some tips on how to get decent clothes on a budget which can be tremendously helpful when you go through the sizes like crazy after bariatric surgery.

So, over the next week, watch for me to go through each store, point out some stuff I actually purchased and maybe a few things I like. I’ll also talk jewelry and other accessories towards the end of the week.

Now for the fun part :D The blue and pink floral ruffly tops I was wearing in many of the pics were purchased at the Avenue . They tend to rotate this particular style in different colors throughout the seasons and I have to tell you ladies…men LOVE them! I get more compliments from men (and women, but who cares about them ;) when I wear them. I guess because they are so feminine and frilly without being overly frilly. Here are some links to similar tops:

Camilla Printed Ruffle Tank (this is actually on sale for $19.99)

Tiered Leopard Print Tank (this is also on sale for $24.96) I have this and usually pair it with a white pair of capris and a jean jacket or with black pants and a black shrug. I was a bit worried about all the ruffles, but it is actually pretty slimming. I would love to get this skirt to wear with it , but I think I’ll wait until it is on clearance)

Printed Cross Strap Cami(on sale for $12.96) This is MUCH cuter on and I pair it with a pink shrug kind of like this. I usually get compliments when I wear it. I may have a picture of my friend shannon and I trying them on. If I can find it, I’ll include it in this post to give you a better idea about what it looks like on. ETA, I actually found the pic of me out seeing a KISS cover band that I thought was more fun although I defo needed a better bra on. It looks more flattering when I have a decent bra on and since then, I've found a few that support the girls a bit better. I'll share lingerie hits and misses later in the week :)

Here are some others that are kind of my style. I haven’t actually purchased these and probably won’t to be honest (my closet is already stocked and I’m trying to pay off my financial aid and save for plastic surgery…more on this later, but I’ll keep an eye on clearance and if they go on clearance, I may buy them in 14/16 ;)

Asymmetrical Ruffle Convertible Tank
Crochet Trim Tunic Tank I like this one in both colors, but if I had to choose, I’d probably buy the green.

Printed Criss Cross Tank: Love this in both colors, but I think I’m most partial to the pink.

Maxi Dresses: I have a few dresses similar to this one. I don’t particularly like this pattern, but I’ve found it tends to flatter my body shape and hides a myriad of massive weight loss flaws lol (nothing that a good pair of spanks can’t smooth out ;) I actually bought two dresses very similar to this one at a place here in San Antonio called Melrose. They were on clearance and I got them for about $8 a piece! (I love telling people that too when I get compliments on the dresses)

Shoes: People…I have big ol’ ugly Fred Flintstone feet. They are big and wide and they have always been a chore to buy for, but I can sometimes find some cute shoes at Lane Bryant or Avenue. Avenue recently had a buy one get one free sale on their shoes so I bought the following:

Rosie Embellished Flower Sandal I bought these in both colors and they are SO cute!

Erica Jeweled Gladiator:
I bought these in all but the coral. I had to buy them a size larger to fit the width and the ankle part can get a bit snug towards the end of the day (I have cankles from hell :(, but they are comfortable even later in the day and look great with capris, even some dresses.

Maureen Flower Flip Flop:I know these are kind of ridiculous, but I thought they had just enough whimsy to warrant a purchase. Again, I'm sure Shannon is going to roll her eyes when she sees them; especially since I got them in the pink! One tip the sales girl mentioned that I thought was great was if you have hard to fit feet and you find shoes that fit you, but you can’t afford to buy them in every color, buy the “off” color because you KNOW you can always find wide shoes somewhere in black, white or neutral.

Lona Braided Gladiator SandalI bought these in the pewter and gold.

I’ve managed to get better at walking in heels too and I bought a pair of these recently in white. They are fairly comfortable if you aren’t standing on your feet all day. I also think these are super cute, but I haven’t actually tried them on so no idea if they’d even fit my feet or how comfortable they are.

So there you have it…take a look at Avenue yourself and let me know what looks you love! I can always use some fashion tips so feel free to suggest away or critique my style :P

What a fine mess...

Hello again. I begin by offering my apologies. I’ve been busy (see slide show). Busy with good things and busy learning some hard lessons. I haven’t lost a ton of weight since you last saw me. Presently, I sit at about 262, but I’m working on it. In the last two years I’ve gone from wearing 8x tshirts to squeezing into 18-20’s. I’ve gone from carrying a chair with me when I go shopping to canoeing down a river with my son and planning a trip to Fiesta Texas where I plan to ride every ride with him. I’ve made a ton of new friends, dated my heart out (almost literally) and learned that ultimately, the most valuable opinion of my self-worth is what I define guided by my creator.

In the past several months, I worked at either losing or maintaining my weight while I spent time doing what my weight had prevented before surgery. I made friends, got out socially (probably overdid it a bit in this category), prepared for my divorce (which will hopefully be final before the summer is through), started a PhD program in Psychology (and ultimately decided that I would switch to an MS in Mental Health Counseling due to lack of time for residency’s and an academic year in residence in the PhD program…incidentally, got a 4.0 my first quarter in the PhD program ;)

This post will address the dating front…presently I am dating one of the men I mentioned in my prior post. He was the sweetheart with the daughter…the one I said I should probably devote my time and energy to. One problem though, I discovered about two months into it that he has a serious drinking problem and has for some time. Our first date broke a month of sobriety. He eventually told me himself while explaining that he couldn’t be my drinking buddy…that we had to find things to do that didn’t involve going out and drinking because it had been a serious problem for him for many years. Fast forward to now…he continues to struggle with his drinking which typically causes him to drop off the map where I’m concerned. I’ve gotten a handle on mine, but in the past months, I’ve gone drinking with him despite knowing his struggle with alcohol…I’m not proud of that.

I suppose it would be easier for me to have dropped him like a hot potato if he was the typical alcoholic…but he never really lets me see that. We could get together, have a few drinks, enjoy a nice dinner, watch a movie…whatever. What I didn’t know is that after I was gone, he would REALLY drink. If he went on a binge, it just meant that he would “fall off the map.” I wouldn’t hear from him, couldn’t get in touch with him, he just disappeared.

At times I felt conflicted because I decided that I wasn’t going to give him ultimatums or try to change him because, let’s face it, if he couldn’t get his act together for his daughter, he sure wasn’t going to do it for some woman he barely knew. For several months, we weren’t exclusive…I don’t think he was dating anyone else, but I was. I just couldn’t open myself up to being vulnerable and exclusive knowing the demon he was wrestling with. What I didn’t count on was that somewhere along the way, I’d start to develop feelings for him regardless of how fiercely I was guarding my heart.

Some of you might wonder how that could happen, but I can tell you…apart from this very serious problem over which I am completely powerless, he is also amazingly brilliant, thoughtful, funny…we get each other. Maybe I see a lot of myself in him…I’ve struggled with food, he struggles with alcoholism. Almost 9 months later, he still insists on opening my car door for me, treats me with respect, gives me sage advice when I need it, treats me as if he values me beyond what my body might look like or do for him. I realize though, that all of these other things don’t matter or shouldn’t matter. He’s still broken, but I see in him a desire to honestly try to get his life together. However, whether he will succeed has nothing to do with me or anything I might do or not do.

Recently, he fell off the map again. I knew he was on a binge. What I realized this time around was that I really cared about him and that changed how I viewed this whole twisted scenario. After about 4 days of not being able to get in touch with him, I went to his house, knocked on the door, texted him that I was sitting in my car until he came out to talk. He finally came out, opened my car door and half smiled as he said “You really can be a pain in the ass you know that?” We went out on his back porch and talked, really talked about his drinking and how my feelings for him changed how I felt about his drinking. He once jokingly said he thought I was perfect for him…he enjoyed spending time with me, we had the same sense of humor, and…I was probably one of the few women who would put up with his BS. I reminded him of this and told him that, up until this point, I had put up with it because while I cared what happened to him, I didn’t really CARE about him. I told him that he couldn’t rely on me putting up with him drinking, falling off the map, etc anymore because there would be a tipping point…a time when it wasn’t ok. I told him that I because I truly had feelings for him, that it hurt to see him like this…I couldn’t be party to it anymore. What I didn’t say was that I realize I’m worth better than this and while I care about him, I still need to look out for me, for Tanner.

So, I’m fairly resolved that the next time he falls off the map, I’m going to have to move on. As I type this, I’m heartbroken, because I worry that it isn’t an “if he falls off the map,” but “when he falls off the map” he's told me as much himself.

This probably sounds like an incredible mess, but honestly…it’s usually the messes that teach us the most about life, about ourselves. How messy things can get when we make the wrong choices or misuse the gifts God gives us. I’m thankful that despite the fact that I can still make a pretty big mess of things, somehow God keeps working on me…whispering in my ear…waiting for me to listen for a change, giving me glimpses of truth and clarity until I can see the path through the mess I’ve made. I’m sure I’m going to have to stumble and grope a bit more as I find my way; sometimes my journey is slow going because of the obstacles I manage to create for myself, but I always seem to find myself just a bit further down the path than I was before. So, despite setbacks and obstacles, I’m getting there; wherever there might be.

Thanks to those of you who have followed my journey and who will hopefully stick around through my haphazard posting habits to see where the path leads me. Now I have to think about what I’m going to cover with my next post…job, school, tanner? Guess I’ll have to see where I find myself the next time I sit down to write :)

New Job, New Joys, New Challenges

Picture above taken this past Thursday at my new work. The mustaches were worn to surprise our trainer. Long story, but she's AMAZING and it was her birthday so we all wore her favorite color (pink) and wore the mustaches. Can't say this is very flattering, but I thought you guys might enjoy it.

First, I want to apologize to anyone who might have been worried about me. There are numerous reasons why I haven’t been posting. Some are good and some…not so good. Some of the things I will share with you and some will go with me to my grave lol…unless I ever get around to writing that book.

For the most part, things have been good. I am still hovering around 285 which is annoying the crap out of me, but I’m hoping to get back into my work out routine and hope to start seeing results. I have a vacation coming up in October (going to Florida for the Straight Spouse Network annual gathering..my first and I can’t wait). I’m going to stay focused on that and just challenge myself to try to have at least another 20 lbs off by the time I go.

Some of the good stuff: I have a new job! I got a job with a major online university and just finished my third week of training. I absolutely am LOVING it! I’m a bit nervous about starting for real on Monday, but I’m sure I can do this. I’ll be working as an enrollment advisor and handle the masters and PhD programs for most of their psychology/human services degrees. It was a substantial raise for me so making more money is sure going to be nice.

Because of the new job, Erik had to move back in. It was just too hard to figure out how we were going to juggle tanner with me working outside the home. We are considering moving, but at the moment, I’m still trying to catch up financially so may put this off a while.

Some other good things…I think I’ve managed to get over my fear of straight men. This could be a good or a bad thing depending on your perspective though lol. I’ve been dating quite a bit, had some interesting experiences, did a few things I thought I’d never do, but have no regrets so far. At the moment, I have a few people I’m dating somewhat regularly, but only one that I would really probably drop everything for. I just figured out some time after my last blog post that I just didn’t want to be tied down. I can’t explain it because I was always a one man woman, couldn’t see myself dating numerous people at one time, etc. Now, the thought of getting involved with just one person just makes me feel claustrophobic…like I can’t get air or something. So far, the guys I’m dating don’t have a problem with me seeing other people so it is working for now and honestly…I’m LOVING it lol.

Of course, the guy I think I could eventually convince me into an exclusive relationship at some point is the one that is the most unavailable. He is involved with a church here in SA and is pretty busy. Most of the time he is available, I’m working and vice versa. We had been chatting for several months, probably since January…off and on, very superficial because of how busy he was and I honestly thought he was just interested in friendship so no big deal. I joked about how I was eventually going to get him out and about socially, but usually anytime I tried to get him to go out, he had an event or something. We’d stop communicating and then a few weeks to a month later I’d hear from him again. Anyway, he contacted me several weeks ago just to see how I was doing and we started talking a bit more. I gave him my number again and after 2-3 days of virtually non-stop texting we decided to meet. All I can say is there is this mad, crazy chemistry with this guy on every possible level. He’s brilliant of course, has a lot of varied interests, eclectic in many ways, great taste in music and an amazing sense of humor that just plays naturally off mine. I just don’t know where its going to go. We had long text conversations about the chemistry and about the fact that his schedule wasn’t going to change and that meant it probably wasn’t going to be good for a serious sort of relationship, but neither one of us is really interested in anything too serious for the time being. We ultimately decided that we would continue to see each other when he was available and see where things went. I can continue to date others and he can too.

The night we met face to face we talked about our “pickers;” you know, the inner compass that leads you to individuals for romantic purposes? He mentioned that his counselor had told him he needed to not date for at least a year post divorce (he’s about midway through) because his picker was off. I asked him who he tended to pick and he said “girls that need to be rescued.” Now some of you might say his picker is still off lol, but I don’t think so. I can rescue myself and I have time and time again over the last several years. So, I told him that I didn’t fall into that category, that if I ever needed rescuing, I’d take care of it myself. Of course, he then asked me what was wrong with my picker. I had already told him about Erik because, being a youth minister, etc I wasn’t sure how he would take it all. I told him that I had a habit of picking gay men. His response was interesting; he said “Well, I can assure you I’m not gay, BUT I am fairly unavailable to you in other ways…you may need to think about that.” And he’s right…why is the guy who is most unavailable the one that is driving me crazy because I can’t get him out of my head? Why do we (I) chase the ones that keep us at a distance?

I’m going to start back with a counselor, so hopefully I can figure some of this out. Another guy I see now and then is another writer. He’s written one book and was working on another when his computer was stolen this week :(. He had talked about sending me what he’d written to review, but didn’t get around to doing it…I’m heart sick for him. I couldn’t imagine working that hard on something and then losing it. He is retired military and worked intel doing some kind of linguistics something or other for them, so yeah he’s pretty brilliant as well. I met him through some of the meetup stuff I go to and we have a ton of things in common. He has an autistic son about Tanner’s age and was a punker in high school as well so we have fun reminiscing about all the great music we loved as kids.

Another new friend is a real sweetheart. Has a 10 year old daughter that he dotes on, so I love that he enjoys his role as a dad so much. I’ve only been talking to him for a few weeks, but we can literally talk for hours on end without ever repeating ourselves. He works IT, but as I get to know him, I suspect he is one of those people that soaks up knowledge. We went to play pool the other night and he was explaining the physics of the game; like how to hit the ball where to get a certain kind of spin and why you needed to chalk your cue, the momentum of the ball, etc. Now that would probably bore the hell out of most people, but I EAT THAT SHIT UP! I know, I’m kind of weird that way, but when a guy starts getting all cerebral on me, my knees go weak, my heart melts, etc. Out of all the guys I’m dating, this one is probably the one I should invest more time in. He’s very attentive and thoughtful, hilarious too! Guess we’ll see where it goes.

Amid the semi-steadies, I’ve been out with several others. I was getting so many younger men, I finally figured “what the hell” and went out with a few of them. The youngest was 27 lol…is that nuts or what? He was really sweet, but I just could NOT get past the age thing. Another was 29 and super smart (had a degree in cultural anthropology and lost ME in conversation about what he studied lol) so I thought maybe that would offset the age difference…at least enough to have some fun with him. Nope…the immaturity was still there and I just couldn’t get past it. The only problem with him is I can’t seem to shake him loose! He isn’t stalking me, but he continues to contact me on a semi-regular basis. Another was 30 and finishing up his masters…he was total eye candy ya’ll; 6’5” and absolutely adorable. I still don’t get why he contacted me lol. Anyway, he was from Mexico so he had a pretty hot accent as well. We went out and had a great time, but it just kind of fizzled out eventually. It was fun though :)

Ultimately I decided that I don’t think I can go much below 35 when it comes to age. I’ll never say “never,” but I went out with enough younger men to realize that I’m just not into it.

Now on to some of the not so good stuff. The drinking. Yeah I’m still struggling with this guys. I’m not drinking every day, but I definitely have a problem when I start drinking. If I stop myself after a few glasses, I’m fine, but that usually doesn’t happen. I never used to understand why erik would drink and drink and drink until everything was gone. It used to drive me crazy. Now, I’m struggling with the same thing and …time for brutal honesty here…I’ve had a few nights where I didn’t really remember what happened beyond a certain point. I will get back on my computer to see chats with friends I didn’t know I had or on my phone, etc. That is kind of freaking me out. So yeah, I’ll be discussing this with my counselor as well. I am hoping now that I’m through the training for my new job, I’ll be able to exercise and that will help deal with some of the stress and anxiety. I know when I’m working out, I just don’t drink as much if at all.

Well, this is now 3 pages long so I’ll stop for now. I will do my best to post more. I have been meaning too, but there has just been so much going on, it overwhelmed me to think about getting on and updating you guys.

I hope all my bloggy friends are doing well. Thanks for hanging in there with me.

Sometimes you have to give up on the life you've planned, to have the life that is waiting for you

This is one of my favorite quotes because it is an idea I had to embrace after learning my husband was gay. My journey down this particular path started towards the end of 2002, just a few months before my mother passed away when I came across the first clues that he might be hiding something. I confronted him, but he was able to convince me that my fears were unfounded; probably because I wanted to believe him. I knew I would be losing my mom soon, had just lost my grandmother and my son had just had major surgery. I wasn’t exactly in the best place to embrace the fact that my marriage was a sham and that my husband would never love me the way I hoped and prayed he someday would.

When I came across additional evidence 5 years later in 2007, he didn’t even try to deny it. Well, he did to some extent actually. Part of him still tried to hold on to something that would keep him in a “safe” place; a place that wouldn’t find him singled out by society, by family members or even friends that couldn’t accept what he couldn’t change about himself. To say I was devastated goes without saying. My world was rocked to its very core and I honestly didn’t see how I could ever recover. I’d spent almost half my life with this man; woven a past, present and could see the pattern of our future laid out before us and then all of a sudden….it all just unraveled.

Most of you have heard this story before; especially those of you who have been with me a while. Recently, someone in my str8 network posted this story about the swan and the scorpion. I’ll cut and paste the story below:

"There was a Swan at the edge of a river and a scorpion approached asking the swan if she would kindly give him a ride to the other side of the river on her back. The swan said "no, you are a scorpion, you will sting me and I will die." The scorpion assured the swan that he wouldn't do that, all he wanted was a ride to the other side and he promised she was safe with him. So the swan gave in and allowed the scorpion to climb upon her back. She swan to the other side and just before reaching the shore the scorpion stung her and jumped to safety. As the swan was sinking, slowly dying from the poisons she asked the scorpion why he broke his promise and stung her. The scorpion said "I'm a scorpion, that is what I do."

Typically, most gay spouses tend to be incredibly narcissistic. It makes sense and I’ve always made the observation that only the worst sort of person would knowingly entrap someone in a faux marriage, make children and a life with someone just so that they could “have their cake and eat it too.” Erik didn’t really fall into this category entirely. I really believe he wanted more than anything to be able to be happy living the straight life. He never cheated on me and to this day I don’t know that he has even acted on his same sex attraction. We had our issues when he finally “came out” to me, but they were short lived and for the most part, he has been decent and assumed responsibility. Many str8 spouses are not so lucky. They have spouses who cheat on them their entire marriage, expose them to countless STDs, belittle them and project their own self hatred onto the str8 spouse. Even when disclosure comes, the gay spouse continues to manipulate and attempt to control the str8 spouse’s life. Believe me, I have heard HORROR stories.

The interesting thing about this story and the commentary on the blog on which it was posted was that so many of us str8s saw ourselves in this allegory. Basically, the point is that we tended to project our own good qualities onto our spouse which they were more than happy to own and exploit. I know I definitely did this in my marriage; put Erik on a pedestal. He is a decent guy, but looking back, I can definitely see that there were times when I would extol his wonderful qualities and while he wouldn’t necessarily OWN them, he wouldn’t refute what I was saying either and at some point on my journey from disclosure to now I would say those were the things that ate at me the most.

I honestly think I got a bit off track here, but I’m not going to edit myself. The whole point of me addressing this topic today was that I read the following post on a fellow str8s blog and wow, could I remember what it felt like to be in THAT moment; to want more than anything in the world to undo what was no longer undoable. Tiffany expresses herself in such a beautifully heartbreaking way that I remember SO well, but while reading it I realized: “I remember, but wow…I’m not that woman anymore.” I could remember the Michelle who ached for her husband to say he’d made a mistake and couldn’t live without her; that they could go on as before and grow old together and I can feel sad for her, but I realized that I am a different woman today so much happier for the Michelle I am today.

She didn’t know it then, but this event, disclosure, freed her in ways she wouldn’t realize for a few years. She was finally free of all the self doubt, the self loathing for never being what she needed to be to make her husband love her the way she craved. She was free to discover who she was apart from this disingenuous relationship, to seek out something real. She was free to rediscover all the things she had willingly given up (my choice, I’ll own that) in her pursuit to find the right magical combination of qualities that would make her what he needed her to be. So many things I put off, or did away with that I loved because he didn’t want to do them or didn’t value them the way I did. Again, it was MY choice to abdicate my own interests and passions, but I am now enjoying my life and enjoying being able to fill it up with what I love.

And yes, I believe that there is a special someone out there for me; someone who crossed my path several times over the last couple of decades, but for one reason or another we never actually connected until just the right time in our lives, or almost the right time lol. Yes, Greg and I are back together again lol. I debated whether to post anything here, I mean we are just getting things sorted out and well, you guys know how crazy things have been for us since meeting the beginning of this year. I think that a lot of what we went through had more to do with all the baggage we are carrying along with us than US really. So now we just have to figure out how to build something together without allowing our past experiences/insecurities to creep in and spoil what appears to be genuinely good and "right" about the sum of us. I’m optimistic that we are on a better path now; guess we’ll just have to see :)

So yes, I’m grateful for that horrible moment 5 years ago when I felt the world crumble at my feet. Out of the detritus of yesterday’s shattered dreams I’ve realized an inner strength I wasn’t aware of. I’ve gone on to experience things (both wonderful and some not so wonderful) I might have otherwise missed and I can honestly say, I wouldn’t trade where I am today for where I might be had I not discovered my husband was gay and continued to live in ignorance. Fellow str8s just beginning this journey? Trust me, you will find your way here too eventually.

Dating post edited

Those of you who read the post on dating revisited may note that there have been some changes. the overall content is the same, but I took out some of what I thought would be most painful for someone I've dated previously to read. He's promised not to read that particular post and I completely believe that he wouldn't, but just in case there is a moment of weakness, I thought some of what was in that particular paragraph would just be really hurtful so I edited it out. The gist of everything is the same and I still don't think the post is anything this particular person would want to read...just as I really wouldn't want to know the salacious details of his dating experiences, but just in case...

And if you happen to be reading this (you know who you are ;), please know that I do trust you, but sometimes I think our curiosity gets the better of us. I know I probably wouldn't have lasted an hour past being told there was a post on your blog I shouldn't read before heading over to read it. If you haven't read the last post, I still say it isn't recommended reading. Even though its been edited, I still don't think it is anything you really should need or want to read...just trust me on this.

And just to have some info for the rest of you lol....I'm at 290 as if this morning....280's watch out!!! Here I come :) 25 more pounds to go to hit 200 lb total loss. Anyone want to predict what day I'll hit goal?

Dating Revisited...

So yeah, I made the decision to date. Nothing serious, just have some fun, get out and meet some people. Figure out what it is I really want, play the field a bit. To be honest, the attention has been kind of nice. I posted in my str8s forum the following:

“Ok, because I was posting so much about this recent breakup, etc I wanted to update a bit. I kind of decided just to date, nothing serious...get my feet wet so put my profile back up at (dating site 1) and (dating site 2). All of a sudden men coming out of the woodwork lmao! Who would have thunk? After years living with a gay husband who rejected me time and time again and made me feel like a nympho just because I wanted intimacy with my husband, it is nice to see that there ARE men out there who might not want to run in the other direction at the sight of me.
And no, I do not need the validation of a man because I feel pretty darn good about myself these days. Not just because of the way I look, but more so because of the way I am inside, who I'm becoming as I shed my armor and discover the woman of steel I've cultivated inside my body! It has happened because of all I've gone through (not just tgt) that has made me who I am right NOW.

So, those of you who are just starting the hellish journey down this path...just know that you will emerge at some point...battered, bruised but more resilient than you ever thought possible. Ready to take on the second half of your life with gusto and yeah...its going to be WAY awesome ;)”

I posted this for a few reasons. First and foremost, we have had a recent influx of newbie str8s due to some attention Dear Abby has focused on the topic. I remember what it was like to wake up the next day to find what you thought was a rock solid foundation beneath your feet in absolute shambles. I remember what it was like to go from taking for granted the fact that I would grow old with my best friend and soul mate and then wake up the morning after disclosure to find I had no idea who I’d been sleeping next to for the last decade. The pain in their stories is heartbreaking and ongoing. I’ve been there, I remember.

I have no illusions that what I had to offer in the above snippet really did much to ease that heartache. When the pain is fresh, simply imagining a time when you might be ok with moving on is often enough to twist that knife in your heart just a bit more; still, I think it is important to see that those that have gone before them can and do find their way.

So, yes I’ve decided to date. I’m not sure what that is going to look like honestly. So far, I have gone out with one man (well I had a few other dates that were duds…hell I even had a 24 year old soldier in the army chatting me up the other night lol…have to tell you guys about him another time…also need to tell you about the date from hell because it was hilarious). So where was I? Oh yeah ok, so this guy had actually chased me quite vigorously back in January before I met Greg, but because I was pretty sure he just wanted a hookup I politely declined. We started talking again recently and honestly…he is a very attractive guy. My life coach, aka “Nick” just came right out and said “Michelle, you keep running AWAY from these guys, the ones that scare you because they are not afraid to tell you exactly what they want. I think you need to just run TOWARDS them. You need a man who is going to take charge and give you what I think you really want (namely, a hot passionate romance…of course, the very thing that scares the hell out of me)” I cleaned that up a bit because Nick doesn’t really mince words lol.

Anyway, so I met up with this guy. We had talked on the phone, exchanged several texts and messages. The attraction was definitely there on both sides. When we finally got together, it was obvious the chemistry was there, but he was also up front about the fact that he didn’t have time for a girlfriend really. He has two daughters who live down at the coast and he said if he didn’t have time to see his girls, he didn’t have time for a girlfriend. I told him I actually respected that and explained that I wasn’t sure I was looking for a boyfriend, but that I liked him, he liked me. We could hang out, etc.

We actually had a very nice lengthy conversation about it all. I opened up about myself, he did the same. After an hour or two of just talking, I had some other friends to get to, so I got up to leave. I thanked him for meeting with me and out of nowhere he leaned in to kiss me. (original section edited to protect the feelings of someone who might be hurt to read what was originally here).

I honestly couldn’t stop smiling and I can’t tell you if it was because the kiss was so freaking amazing or because I kissed this hot blooded straight man who came on stronger than most men I had experienced and lived to tell about it…with a smile on my face no less. I realize this may not seem like a big deal to the average person, but for me, this was kind of huge.

Ok, now for the bad news: I haven’t heard from him since lol. There was no mistaking the mutual attraction, but meh…I’m learning that men can be just as weird as women. I have no idea why he decided not to pursue this further, but oh well. There are more straight men out there who I’m sure can kiss me like that again…at least I hope there are lol. He can’t have cornered the market on that right?
So, one thing discovered so far: I think Nick is right. I think I am shying away from the thing I want the most. The thing that scares me, is the thing I want deep down inside. So now I have to figure out how to get from point A to point B without self destructing lol. Any suggestions?

In closing, please don’t mistake this focus on dating as a frivolous diversion. I mean yeah, it can be fun. The attention is nice. Having an experience like that was pretty awesome, but ultimately it is more about me trying to tease out the knots in my emotional ball of yarn so that I can craft a beautiful warm, comforting blanket to wrap around myself at some point and have a healthy relationship with someone. It is about NOT running away this time literally or figuratively by sabotaging myself with food or booze or..whatever else I may choose to use to keep people at a distance. It’s part of hanging up my armor for good and relying on that steely inner core I talked about in my last post.