Half Way to Goal, Dropping Out and other changes

Hi guys, yes I have been very absent, but I have been very overwhelmed as well. I think I just decided to withdraw from school for the time being. I’m not so mad or disappointed about that, I just hate that it was an expensive lesson for me to learn. I’ve been so overwhelmed trying to work the same amount of hours (because Erik quit his day job) AND study AND be a mom AND …have a social life to some degree and it just isn’t working. Right now we don’t have a penny until Erik gets paid Friday and I know his check is going to be pretty paltry because he’s had to miss a few days when I had my lab along with some other days when Tanner was just having a bad day.

That’s the other issue…Tanner hasn’t adjusted all that well to all the change since we started school. All the days Erik has had to stay home, our evening routine disturbed because I’m always studying now. Both of us short of temper because we are both spread too thin (some of us more than others), etc. He’s had some outbursts at school that we haven’t seen in a while and his attitude at home has kind of started to suck as well. Yesterday though he cracked me up… I was on the phone with a friend and he was in his room playing his wii when his dad made his nightly phone call to touch base with him and say goodnight. Tanner missed the call, but was apparently VERY annoyed that Erik was calling. The next thing I know I hear Tanner saying:

“Dad! I was playing my game and you were CALLING and FREAKING DISTURBING ME! …ok I love you goodbye”

The first part was said in the snottiest voice I’ve ever heard him use and the final statement “ok I love you goodbye” as if the former hadn’t happened at all LOL. While I’m reaming Tanner a new one and insisting that he turn the game off and call his dad to apologize, I get the following text from Erik:

“Omg, I have to play Tans voicemail for you. Kid cracks me up!”

Apparently he thought Tanner was joking, but even when he found out he wasn’t, he still thought it was funny. Not to Tanner’s face of course, but behind his back, we played the voicemail a few times and got a good laugh out of it. Like I said in my facebook status: “Sometimes you have to laugh so they can make it to the ripe old age of 18.”

One thing that happened in the last week is that I hit my HALF WAY TO GOAL MARK!! I hit 312 last Friday and I’ve been hovering there ever since! I have been exercising more and stared P90, but that has been off and on as well, often taking a backseat to my studies. I definitely plan to get back with the program if I do decide to drop my classes (which has all pretty much been decided at this point). I can’t believe I have 12 more pounds to lose to get under 300 lbs for the first time since Tanner was born back in 1995. As a matter of fact, 312 was the weight I was at WHEN I entered the hospital to have Tanner, so this is a milestone in more ways than one really. I remembered when I was between 440 and 465 thinking it was ridiculous that I fantasized about weighing what I weighed when I was pregnant. I mean, who does that?

Other than being extremely stressed out, I’ve been feeling great. I’ve been getting out and actually had a lovely evening out for dinner Friday night ;) And that’s all I’m going to say about that!

Thanks for hanging in there with me even though I’ve been horrible about updating as of late. I would imagine that will change. I’ve been sorting through a LOT in my head the last week or so and I expect to do quite a bit of my typical “blogging it out” over the next week.

Little Victories

I've dieted enough to know that as you lose weight, you start to notice things about yourself and your body as it begins to shed those unwanted pounds. Maybe its an elbow you haven't seen in quite a while. Perhaps its the fact that you can now bend down and tie your own shoes. Maybe you are just jazzed about seeing your feet when you look down. Men tend to get very excited when this happens (go ahead and check it out, I'll wait; his blog is hilarious)

In my 20's when I lost most of my weight, I remember rejoicing silently when I discovered that I could go up and down a flight of stairs without getting out of breath. I had not only lost weight, but had been working out a lot so my muscles were in prime condition. I had never considered myself athletic, so this was no small feat in my mind considering I used to avoid stairs like the plague. After that, I started tackling stairs at every opportunity; running up them most of the time until E noticed and made fun of me. I was a little embarrassed to admit the reason I was running up the stairs so I made up some stupid excuse. The real and very simple reason I ran up those stairs each time was because I COULD!

I expect that I will begin to rediscover myself as I shed more weight. I'm literally starting from scratch so I expect many "a-ha" moments in my future and I'm looking forward to them. My first moment came last night while brushing my teeth. You all know that I've lost 10 lbs and I think most people wouldn't expect 10 lbs to mean much on a 450 lb body; however, I'm here to tell you that it apparently does.

Last night I went through my nightly ritual before bed. It starts off with me dosing myself on the five or six medications I have to take each night. It's literally a handful of pills I have to take...good thing I don't have much of a gag reflex! Once I take my meds, I use the restroom, wash my hands and then brush my teeth. I have a chair in my bathroom. Initially I brought it in so that I could sit down while I did my hair. When I injured my knee, I had to start using it more often since it was harder for me to stand comfortably for long at all. Last night I was mentally going over my schedule for the next day; making sure I hadn't forgotten anything. I used the bathroom, washed my hands and then grabbed my toothbrush. I was still mulling over some things in my mind as I brushed my teeth. When I was done, I spit in the sink and as my hand reached for the holder to put my toothbrush away I realized that I was STILL STANDING! I felt this immediate WOW which was followed by a laugh as I considered how ridiculous it was to feel so excited about something so small. Part of my own mind was echoing E's laughter every time I ran up a flight of stairs. To him, it wasn't a big deal, but to me it was a milestone. I turned a deaf ear to the negative voice in my head, took one last look in the mirror and smiled. Some victories are going to be big and some are going to be small. To me, a victory is a victory and I'll take them any way they come!

SUPERSTAR!