Mealtime Confession

Ok, I'm going to start with a confession and then follow it up with some explanation that will hopefully get me somewhat out of hot water. I just had dinner and every thing I ate was extremely bad for me. I had two fajita tacos with the works (guacamole, sour cream, etc) rice and beans, tortilla chips followed by a piece of Dulce de Leche cheesecake. I know...HORRIBLE! And I am now realizing WHY this stuff is so bad for you. I feel HORRIBLE.

But here's the deal...I heard from my doctor Friday and it looks like my insurance will pay for the gastric sleeve. The last time I went through all the nutritional appts. etc They would only pay for the RNY procedure. Now, they will pay for the sleeve YAY! I have an appointment to see him on Monday, but I may have t reschedule as I can't get time off work. I'm going to call them monday morning. If they can't reschedule me for THIS week when I'm off (thursday and friday) then I'm just going to call into work and see him monday. Pretty much, all I think I will need to do is get about 40 lbs off and he can do the surgery. SO, tomorrow, I'm starting an HMR fast. This was the diet I was on right before my mom was diagnosed with Cancer back in 2001. I lost about 36 lbs in four weeks. I weighed myself the other day and while I weighed in at 444 lbs (which would make you think is a decrease from around this time last year), but I think I've lost a lot of muscle mass this year so who knows how much of that 20 lbs is really fat loss from last year?

I'm also going to start on the treadmill and try to do five minutes two or three times a day. I need to get my heart in better shape for surgery too. Hopefully by the time I have the surgery, I will be able to walk at least 15 minutes at a time and can build on that as I begin to lose weight.

I'm scared to death guys, but I know I have to do this. And yeah...the mexican food was kind of a last meal sorta thing.

Sometimes You Feel Like a Nut.....

Hi, me again. Bet you thought yesterday was another empty promise didn't you? Nope, I'm here and that picture up there? That would be part of today's confessional. Apparently my moment by moment 'tude failed me on my trip to CVS yesterday. Yep, all that crap in the picture, I bought on a binge.

I had to go to CVS to pick up some stuff that Erik absolutely refuses to buy for me (yes girlie products) and I made the mistake of not eating beforehand. As a matter of fact, I hadn't eaten since breakfast. I dropped Tanner off at Church with his "Big Brother" and ran to CVS. While I was there, I obviously got a craving or two and just went nuts (pardon the pun). I'll set the scene for you though, because it shows just how RIDICULOUS this compulsion is....

I arrive at CVS and immediately start thinking about going down the candy aisle once inside. I know I'm going for pads, but I can almost SMELL the chocolate. Immediately, a Nick-Shaped Angel (NSA for short...its his "gangsta" name...Nick is my own personal life coach... I refer to him every once in a while because he deserves the shout out xx) pops up on one side and says:

"Michelle, you've been working so hard! Think about your goals, think about how far you've come! Don't do this, you can move past it!"

About then, a very FAT looking demon, looking much like your's truly pops up, pushes NSA rudely aside and declares in a voice Linda Blair would be proud of:

"What the helicopter does he know? Every hormone in his body isn't SCREAMING for chocolate now is it? Oh yeah, it's real easy to flitter and flutter away over there when you have those pretty little wings and the sparkling little halo over your head. Let's see how far you'd get if we shot you full of estrogen, weighed you down with 400 lb sandbags and then put you smack dab in the middle of a candy aisle!"

Sparkling with the silvery light of healthy living, NSA whips his halo off and flings it violently at the Fat demon, wedging it between her bloated lips effectively shutting her up long enough to say:

"Don't listen to her Michelle, she doesn't want you to ever find that sexy Scotsman we know is out there just waiting to sweep you off your feet! He's never going to find your feet much less sweep you off them if you give in to her!"

It went on like this for 5-10 minutes as I huffed and puffed through CVS looking for the inedible products. Seriously, it was like a war between good and evil and the fact that I was breaking a sweat and already feeling an aching back and legs after 5 minutes of this less than vigorous activity did NOTHING to make me think twice about visiting that candy aisle. I mean....I obviously gave in because you see the booty there. I think the fat demon eventually sat on NSA because his sweet voice died out and I headed to the snack/candy aisle and loaded up.

It wasn't a conscious thing, but when I looked at it all together, I noticed all the nuts and peanut butter snacks...whats up with that? Maybe I should have given into that reeses egg craving during Easter.

As I walked up to the register, I start trying to think about how I'm going to look buying two packages of sanitary pads and all this chocolate. Even the humilation of making that kind of purchase didn't dissuade me though.

So, I came home...ate half a can of cashews and some of those reeses clusters (whatever they were) and a heath bar and was extremely ill for the rest of the evening. This morning, I dug my stash out of the hiding place in my room and took it to my ex husband to finish off or throw away. He stood guard while I arranged the booty for the picture and then loaded it all back into the grocery bag and hid it from me. Hopefully he'll gain the 10 lbs I might have if I had finished it all (totally kidding Erik).

Tanner came home from school and we promised each other that tomorrow we were going to do as much of the biggest loser workout video as we could. I tried to talk him into doing it today while I got dinner started, but he didn't want to do it without me and then he fell asleep on me after dinner :(.

So, we'll see what tomorrow brings :)

I would seriously KILL for some of these right now.

Wahhhhh, what is wrong with me? It must be that time of the month or something because I can barely function right now. All I can think about is the chocolate cake downstairs, the rows and rows of reese's easter eggs at the CVS down the street. If I weren't so lethargic and tired, I would probably make a special trip just to clean them out of easter candy.

I don't know if I'm strong enough to resist lol. Ok, I'll stop torturing you guys, I know *some* of us are trying to be good. I may be down, but I'm not out xx

Maybe I'm just having Nick withdrawal, where are you by the way? I need more inspiring weight loss stories..I've been checking my mail daily, but nothing :(

Want to leave a comment? Click on the word "comment" below.

Cake for Lunch and other screwups

Hey there. Me again. Just a quick note to say that my eating habits have been kind of crazy this week. I don't know if the lethargy I've been feeling is related to my illness, depression or what, but it is seriously affecting how I'm eating as well. I don't really feel depressed; well, I guess I do a bit, but I think its because I have NO FREAKING ENERGY. I started back at work yesterday, but had to lay down and take a nap right afterwards. When I wake up, I feel a bit more rested, but am still just so physically exhausted so we wind up doing something "easy" for dinner (read take out).

The other thing is...on the days that we eat out at night, I usually have only had a bowl of cereal the entire day so the fat and calories in my evening meal probably equal my daily allotments anyway. I guess I'll see on Monday.

Yesterday was Erik's birthday and he brought home the biggest cake from work the night before PLUS we ordered a smaller chocolate cake from a woman we love here in San Antonio so I actually had cake for lunch yesterday...what is wrong with me?

hmmm, I've been eating crap...I feel like crap...think there's a connection in there somewhere, I just need to figure out what it is.

As for the lethargy, again I'm not sure if its related to my prior illness, but I don't think it's *just* what I've been eating or not eating. I'm going to call my doctor again because some of the heart medication I'm on can cause this too. He actually wanted me to take provigil to counteract it, but I'm already taking so many freaking pills. I may go ahead and try it though because all of a sudden, I feel like I did when i was working the graveyard shift and all I ever wanted to do was sleep (or try to sleep). This just isn't me...I like to be active and doing stuff and I want to get back to the pool..bleh

Comments are welcome :)

Cheating in the Evening

If only that were the kind of cheating I was doing...*wistful sigh* But NO, of course it isn't. Last night I cheated with another woman, a little woman although I doubt she's really all that little considering all the crap she bakes is full of calories and fat! Who and what am I talking about folks? Little Debbie of course. Read on for the rest of the story...

Ok, I've been aware of this for about a week or two, but I'm not entirely sure what to do about it at this point, so any input from you guys would be GREATLY appreciated. I seem to be losing it in the evening. I'm not exactly going berzonkers...believe me, I can do WAY more damage than I've been doing, but I'm losing control in little ways most times (too much spaghetti at one sitting even if I manage to stay within my plan for the day) or in big ways like last night. I'm noticing that if I'm going to cheat or give in, it is in the evening. Take a look at my food log from yesterday and you will see what I mean. I did just fine until that last meal and then the whole thing went to hell in a hand basket pretty fast. FOUR little debbie brownies? They weren't even all that good guys, seriously...I could have made brownies that tasted better, but I ate FOUR of them. By the way, who would have thunk those little things would pack such a fat-filled punch? Not me said the flea.

I think that it may have something to do with it just being more difficult to hold on at the end of the day when I'm tired and just want to relax. Lately I get off at 3pm, have an hour to myself before the Tanman gets home, then its dinner time and around 7pm I have a few hours of work to do. I've noticed that when I have work in the evening I'm more likely to go off program. I think its because I'm stressed about having to work two more hours when I just want to be able to veg a bit before bedtime :( Lately, logging in for this other job hasn't even really been worth it. I had talked to a friend of mine about cutting back my work schedule so that I could focus more on my health and saving my energy for the gym, but then I worry about how I'm going to pay the rent next month lol. I probably could make ends meet with just my one job, but I don't want to lose this other one just in case.

So, any way to battle temptation when you are at your weakest? I'm all eyes.

Want to leave a comment? Click on the word "comment" below.

I Have Some Bad News and Some Good News

I'm sure you want the bad news first right? Why don't we start with my food log for yesterday, go ahead and take a look, I'll wait. Did that "snack" catch you off guard? I know it did me. Obviously, looking at how most of my day went food-wise it makes a little more sense. I had a decent breakfast, but then basically skipped lunch. I didn't do it on purpose, I just got busy working and then walking and working again and before I knew it...it was almost time for Tanner to get home from school. I didn't even have the fiber one bar until about 3:30.

Dinner was decent too. I made a pasta dish that Tanner calls "Same thing always." The funny thing about it, is it's never "Same thing always." The basics are usually the same: half whole wheat pasta (usually penne) half regular pasta (I plan on reducing the regular until we are just eating whole wheat), a little bit of olive oil, but the other ingredients always change. Sometimes I throw in some sundried tomatoes, sometimes I add mushrooms. Really, I tend to add whatever I have in the fridge at the time in the way of meat and/or vegetables and it always comes out delicious. One day I'll get around to posting it in my recipe blog. but I'm tweaking it a bit. About the only thing that maybe isn't so great about it is the sodium level. Last night, I made it with zucchini and italian tomatoes. Since we didn't have any chicken defrosted, I decided to steam some edamame for protein. After dinner, I felt satisfied and full. Usually Tanner and I will choose a yogurt for "dessert," but neither of us was really hungry so we didn't bother with it.

Later, I decided to watch last week's "Hell's Kitchen." I know...reality TV is kind of a guilty pleasure of mine. Maybe because as I've gotten bigger, my own reality has become a little surreal. Some part of me must be living vicariously through people who are actually "living" their life instead of merely observing. Sad I know, but it's probably at least a little bit true. Outside of American Idol and Big Brother, I don't watch much reality anymore. I've never been into the Tila Tequila/Rock of Love sort of shows (a girl's gotta have some standards), but somehow I got drawn into Hell's Kitchen. I love to cook and something about this show caught my attention. Sometimes I think I watch because I don't want to miss the moment when Gordon Ramsay's head finally explodes. I'm just mesmerized by the level of emotion this man can lose himself in just running a kitchen..crazy.

The show I was watching was from last week and they were catering a kid's bar mitzvah and one of the tasks was to create a hamburger. One of the teams made this Kobe beef hamburger with some kind of sundried tomato spread and God knows what else and instantly I was salivating. I was caught completely off guard. I half way thought that I needed to turn it off. As much as I love cooking shows, they are usually completely off limits when I'm dieting. I just can't handle it. I've been known to work up an appetite watching Andrew Zimmern for pete's sake; have you seen what this guy eats? I truly have an addiction, but I digress...

So I'm watching them prepare this burger and by the time the kid gets to bite into it, I'm salivating. I can almost taste it I want one so bad. I have a craving for a burger that has absolutely consumed me. I half-heartedly try to look up information on the internet about how to deal with cravings, but I know it isn't going to make a difference. I want a hamburger and I want it NOW. Did I mention that it was 10:00PM? I finally decided on Jack in the box and the rest is history.

So, of course the bad news is that I cheated last night in a major way. The good news is that I'm now paying for it. I got absolutely NO sleep last night due to heartburn and that burger sitting in my gut like a rock the whole night. I actually had a nightmare that I had stuffed myself with rancid meatloaf! At 4am I was contemplating just making myself throw up so I'd feel better (not in the bulimic sort of way), but decided against it. Its 11am and I just now had a fiber one bar and I expect that is probably all I'm going to eat until dinner. Not because I'm trying to make up for the fat and calories last night, but just because I do not feel like eating at all. Blech!

And now I deal with the guilt and shame of the whole thing. Realizing that I am still so powerless when it comes to fighting those cravings. Honestly, I think part of it had to do with yesterday and getting on the treadmill. While it was a huge step for me, it was also such an "in your face" moment realizing how difficult it was for me to walk for 5 minutes. I tried to keep a positive perspective on things, but deep down inside I just felt like such a loser...5 freaking minutes! Every time I went to get up out of a chair, I felt every minute in my legs too. My hip ached, my knee stiffened right back up and the overall general fatigue in my legs just reminded me exactly how big a hole I had dug for myself and how difficult it was going to be to claw my way back out. I guess I was disappointed that I couldn't really be proud of the fact that I got on the treadmill because all I focused on was how difficult it was and how awful I felt later on. Maybe I do need to look into the pool? Uggh, have a break between shifts, going to lie down for a bit :(

Want to leave a comment? Click on the word "comment" below.

Fighting cheats when you have STRONG emotional attachments to food.

Today was a very stressful day. I had tons of work to get done, at least three things that HAD to get done before the end of my shift and I kept getting calls. Then my boss lectured me for 20 minutes because I had forgotten to change my status when I went to lunch. I have some brain block where this is concerned. I've improved tremendously, but of course I ONLY hear from him when I screw up and then its as if I haven't done anything to improve so I was seething by the end of the conversation.

Then, there was a huge screw up that was the bank's fault. I had a check from my ex that I needed to use to pay our rent and they deposited it back into his account??? Then the guy acted as if he couldn't say that their guy made a mistake, he wasn't there. Yeah, doesn't every one write a check from their account and then deposit it back into their account, for why?

Anyway, by the time I got done, I took a nap. I wasn't really tired, but I just wanted to veg I suppose. Then I wake up to the most delicious smell. It was dinner time and while we had a very healthy spaghetti made with ground turkey, what I smelled was something delicious of the baking in the oven sort. Erik had made this peach crisp recipe. We have called it peach cripps for a long time....Erik mispronounced it one day, we laughed our butts off and the name stuck. Basically, you empty a can of peaches into a baking dish,sprinkle white cake mix over the top, put a few dabs of butter, sprinkle sugar and cinnamon on top...OMG so good.

This also brings back memories of my grandmother. She looked nothing like the grandmother in the picture above. She was a young granny. She was about 17 when she had my mom and my mom was 17 when she had me so when I was born, she was still in her 30's. She worked and my grandfather stayed home and did all the cooking, cleaning, tucking me in on sick days, etc. She cooked occasionally, but was never much of a baker. This peach crisp recipe was the one special thing I remember as her special treat. Nobody else made it so eating it always takes me back to grandma's house. I remember watching her make it and sitting with her to wait until it was done while the housed filled with this delicious aroma of peaches and sweet sugary goodness. I especially remember sitting down at the table with her, both of us with our bowls in front of us, just a scoop of ice cream melting on top and watching her dig into it with a twinkle in her eye as we shared that special moment. I was gone as soon as I smelled it in the oven. I experienced an overwhelming feeling of calm; the way I used to feel when walking through the doors of their house as if nothing in the world could go wrong there. *sigh* It felt like just what I needed in my moment of weakness.

I had some and I can't even tell you that I feel horrible about it now. Part of me is a little worried that I'm not worried about it. This was an outright cheat, no prior planning, I impulsively said "Yes" when Erik asked me if I wanted some, and devoured it with a vengeance. I don't feel like I'm on a downhill slide...like it might lead to more...maybe that's why I don't feel bad? I don't know, I can't even think of anything I might have done INSTEAD of giving in. How do you cope with stress IN THE MOMENT? What makes you say NO instead of YES?

Want to leave a comment? Click on the word "comment" below.

I unknowingly crossed over to the Dark Side :(

I'm going to start posting my food logs again. It was kind of a pain because I couldn't just insert a pic of my sparkpeople page that would fit and still be readable so from now on Im just going to link to the most recent log in my photobucket. If you are really interested in keeping up with what I'm eating, you can click on the link and see for yourself.

I'm afraid I have very bad news for yesterday though. I was doing just fine until dinner time. I took a nap after I finished work and when I woke up I was starving. Still half asleep, I fumbled downstairs with the smell of pizza tickling my nostrils. I remember thinking that it was *just a frozen pizza* and it couldn't be as bad as Little Ceasars or Pizza Hut and they were small pizzas to begin with, so I grabbed three pieces. I know my logic was fuzzy, but I was half asleep and obviously still dreaming about a world where you can consume pizza that won't go immediately to your hips; it was a good dream. I finished eating, went out to our living room to chat with the "fam," watched a little TV and then decided I was still hungry. I walked back into the kitchen and dug out the boxes for the pizza so that I could get an idea about where I was for the day caloric/fat-wise and about had a coronary. Each slice of pizza had 17g of fat per slice!!!! Now, if it was like...THE BEST PIZZA EVER, I might not feel so defeated, but this was crap pizza. I wasted a good cheat on crappy food. Nothing sucks more than that.

I ask E if he was aware that he bought a pizza that would immediately clog all our arteries and of course he said "no." Must be nice not to have to worry about things like that. I secretly hoped he'd finish off the pizza himself and grow girl hips that I could make fun of.

In reality, its my own dumb fault. I'm responsible for what I put in my body and nobody else. Note to self: Nothing shall pass thy lips until thine eyes have shrugged the foggy web of sleep else ye are doomed to leave thine diet among the detritus of failure.

Yesterday's Food Log