I'm still here

I know I've been a very bad blogger. I'm definitely not going to be on Santa's good list of bloggers this year. Only coal in the cyber stocking for me :( I apologize though. I have just been very busy trying to get ready for this craft fair while working two jobs. Believe it or not, I am *just* now getting over the problem I had with the cyst that took forever to heal. I seriously never thought it would finally close completely but this past week it did. I am going to get back into the doctor just to make sure it is all ok, but it feels 100% better so I'm optimistic.

I meant to get on yesterday, but I actually ended up out shopping with my friend Shannon. YES! I actually got out of this house for the third or fourth time this month can you believe it? I wore makeup and everything see

We had to go to hobby lobby to get some stuff so that I could finish a twilight calendar I've been working on. I'll post some pictures when I get it done...so far, I really love how it's turning out and I'm not even a big fan of twilight.

You can see a few other things I've been working on at my etsy shop. I haven't uploaded much because I want to take most of it with me to the craft fair. Even with all I've finished, I still won't have much to actually sell, but I'm going to have some examples of my work, so at least I'll get my name out there a bit.

I'm still working on my website, but feel free to take a look and let me know what you think.

Erik recently got another job so that is the BIG news at our house lately. I've been begging him to get a second job for a while, but for various reasons, it just kept getting put off. I had a mini nervous breakdown the day he was contacted about this most recent job. He hadn't been good about changing out the filters in our A/C so when it stopped working, we called the landlord to fix it. Landlord realized it wasn't working because of the clogged filters. Landlord sends us a bill for $125.00. I was going through quite a bit at work and when he came in to tell me about the bill we got, I told him that I was done. I can't handle shouldering a majority of our financial needs anymore. I was tired of never being able to save any money because I was the only one that ever had the money to pay for tanner's school clothes or hearing aid repairs, etc. I literally packed up shop in the middle of the day and crawled back into bed. The next day, he got this incredible new job working as a Deaf Support Specialist (lucky for him lol...I finally told him that if he didn't get it, he was going to have to flip burgers somewhere, find something!!) So far, he loves it. I can't wait until we have more money rolling in though.

It will be nice to not have to live paycheck to paycheck. Honestly... it was getting to the point where our paychecks (due to various things) weren't even enough to pay our bills. He had missed a bunch of work at his main job due to stuff going on with Tanner, me being sick, etc so we had at least two pay periods where he didn't really bring home anything. My job has slowed way down and since most of my pay is commission, it meant that my paychecks were almost half what they should have been. It has been a looooooooooooooooooooong time since we've really had something good happen for us I almost forgot what it was like to be optimistic lol. Now, I'm budgeting and trying to prioritize how we are going to get ourselves out of this financial mess we are currently in. Keep your fingers crossed for us :)

Tanner is doing SO well at school. He's enjoying himself, making new friends, loves his teachers. That is some pretty awesome news for us too considering how the year started off. We were able to cancel our contract with the lawyers (which they were nice enough to do for us) which saved us $750.00.

I haven't weighed myself, but I don't feel like I've gained. I probably haven't lost, but I'm definitely getting more active lately. It is just what most would consider ADL's, but for me, it is activity that I haven't incorporated into my routine for quite some time. Believe me, if you aren't used to standing on your feet for periods of time, a trip to the store is quite an outing for you. I'm also working on strengthening right now, doing squats a few times a day and other exercises to strengthen my legs. I'm working on standing for longer periods when I do stuff around the house (cooking, cleaning). If we can take care of a few things financially, we hope to take Tanner to Disneyland some time next year and if I can't go on the rides because of my weight, I want to at least be able to walk as much as I want without the problems I have to endure now. So, that is my motivation at the moment...long term that is. Right now, I'd like to just be able to take over other stuff Erik's been doing like grocery shopping. It's probably crazy, but I really miss going to the grocery store. I love to cook and I really miss not being able to pick out everything myself. I guess we'll see...I've said this (or something like it) before. I guess I just need to keep plugging away...maybe eventually I'll get my butt in gear and make some progress.

How is everyone else doing? I need to catch up on my blog reading, I'm way behind!

National Coming Out Day

I have been busy this weekend getting an album together for an auction that will benefit the Straight Spouse Network. It is the 10th anniversary of our annual get together in Florida. I had hoped to go myself, but you know what my finances are like at the moment and if I had any money at all I’d be taking Tanner to visit my grandfather. That doesn’t look like it is going to happen anytime soon either :(

It is kind of ironic that the album I’m working on will benefit SSN and is the first real scrapbooking project I’ve worked on since disclosure (learning that my husband was gay). When I was packing up my stuff to move out on my own with Tanner, I knew I wouldn’t be pulling out my scrapbooking supplies anytime soon. At the time, I didn’t think I was ever going to be able to work on my own albums again. The thought of looking through all of our family photos and trying to scrap happier times (when I thought the biggest problem in our marriage was my weight) just crippled me with grief.

To be honest, going through some of the boxes has brought up some of those old feelings again…the feeling of loss, the realization that while I may eventually meet someone else and maybe even get married, I will never know what it is like to grow old with the person I started my adult life with. The good thing is, even though they brought a few tears, the feelings are mere echoes of what they once were. There is still grief, but there is acceptance as well. There is also gratitude that I have been able to forge a relationship with my husband (we are still technically married) that, in many ways, is better than what it was when we were living as man and wife. I suppose it’s because he is finally able to be 100% (or as close to 100% as anyone can ever really get) honest with me.

This year will mark our 15th anniversary; our anniversary is December 31st, but of course we really don’t celebrate it anymore. I think if we were ever asked, we would probably say we were “married” for 13 years instead of whatever it will be when we finally make it legal.

Erik has commented several times that he is concerned that his living here is holding me back. I really don’t know if it is or not. There is a certain level of comfort that comes with having a companion here with me if nothing else. I thought about it the other day…If I didn’t have him here, would I be trying harder to get myself back into shape for the eventuality that I might put myself back “out there?” I mean, I’m definitely a lot more comfortable being my own company than I was when I was in my 20’s, but I wonder if I would be as satisfied if I had to spend every evening on my own. I really can’t answer that question.

At the moment, I have absolutely no desire to date; I don’t even miss sex. I am guessing that this may be partly because of the meds I’m on and partly because I don’t feel the least bit sexy. As I’ve said before, I really don’t want to get involved with anyone else until Tanner is at least 18. Both Erik and I have more than enough on our plate to be worrying about trying to cultivate and nurture a new relationship.

Anyway, back to the album I’m working on. The auction is going to be held one of the first nights of the get together and it is going to be fellow str8s bidding on the items. I decided to make an album that someone could use to hold pictures from the actual gathering and will title it “Familee.” We use the word “Familee” to describe those of us who have found our way to the SSN. Upon disclosure, many of us feel incredibly isolated and alone. Many times our spouses are still in the closet which means we have a hard time reaching out to our “real” family. We are essentially forced to walk into our spouse’s closet, and close the door behind us. When we emerge, we have to don the same mask our spouse has worn their entire life. We have to smile and act as if there is nothing wrong even as we feel what was once a stable foundation crumbling beneath our feet. When we find SSN, we are embraced by others who have walked our path, shared our journey, felt our pain and it truly is like coming home. I have met some of the most wonderful people through the Straight Spouse Network. Many of them, including Amity Buxton herself (the author of the book “The Other Side of the Closet” and founder of the SSN) called me personally to talk me through the darkest hours. Others reached out in other ways supporting me in ways my family and friends couldn’t. I honestly don’t think I would have come through it all as well as I have without them or SSN.

At the moment, SSN is struggling financially. I know many of you probably have your own charities you support and if you are anything like me, you are struggling to donate at all this year, but I wanted to note a few ways you could painlessly support the SSN and encourage the wonderful work they do every single day for people like myself. You can help support SSN by using Goodsearch and designating them as your charity. If you purchase from Amazon, visit their website, page all the way down to the bottom and click through to Amazon. Any order you place through their link will contribute money to their fundraising efforts. You can also use igive in much the same way. If you have an older vehicle that isn’t going to bring much at trade in, consider donating it (link also on the SSN website) and request that the proceeds go to SSN.

Today is National Coming Out day. If you are in the closet please consider coming out to your friends and family. You owe it to yourself and to those that love or will love you in the future to be honest; with them and with yourself. If you know someone in the closet, be the support they need as they take those first frightening steps out of the darkness.

Thanks for reading xx

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On my own and Dorkin' out with my bad self

I got off work this afternoon and had the house all to myself. I grabbed my favorite CD of the moment, (I'm actually still listening to it, this song is playing at the moment LOVE IT!) ran downstairs, put it on our old Bose system and started dancing like a fool. Good lord, if you don't know what a 400+ lb woman looks like dancing, count yourself lucky! I'm sure it was horrendous, but I had fun and burned a few calories in the process. I only lasted a few songs, but it was a heck of a lot more fun than getting on the treadmill and I decided that I'm going to have to do that more often!

I then got busy sorting out some boxes Erik pulled out of one of our closets. I'm busy trying to get all my scrapbooking stuff out and organized (which I am miserable at...the organizing, not the scrapbooking). I decided that I was going to start trying to get some business doing custom scrapbooks. I've made several for other people in the past. The last one I made I charged close to $1000.00 for. I think you guys will enjoy the name I came up with for the business; well actually a good friend of mine came up with it, but it was my idea :) I'll tell you all more about it as I move along. Right now I'm trying to get some kind of a website up without having to pay someone to do it for me. I can barely do the HTML for this blog much less put a website together so I can't speak for how it's going to look when I'm done. I don't expect to make $1000.00 off every album, but I think I might be able to get enough business to help pay our legal bills at the least. Any little bit will help and this is something I really miss. I'm going to try to get some stuff together so that I can do a craft fair here in town this November. I have very little time to do it, but I think I could make a little bit of money at the event and get my name out there as well. I'm just looking forward to getting back into something I really enjoy. Another good thing about scrapbooking is that I FORGET to eat when I'm working, so thats a great side effect.

I have another post I'll be making in regards to some of the stuff I came across while going through the boxes. It was full of a hodgepodge of memories and as you can imagine, I found myself laughing at some, crying at others. Some things caught me by surprise...I guess because I thought I had moved on in so many ways; guess there are some things that never lose their ability to tug at your heart strings.

Erik and Tanner got home shortly as I was finishing up and I took a break to get up and dance with Tanner. I think he thought I'd lost my mind, but he was laughing right along with me. I went to "spin" him and, after going through boxes of mementos of his babyhood was, struck by the fact that I had to almost stand on tippy toe to allow him to make it under my arm :( I found myself experiencing happiness and sadness simultaneously as I realized how he really isn't my "little" boy any longer.

Speaking of Tanner, his speech language pathologist emailed me today to tell me what they were working on in his group speech therapy and took the time to include the following tidbit:

"Also, I wanted to tell you something positive that happened in one of his previous sessions. I was asking the students to all read a sentence at a time of a news report. One of the other students was very shy
about reading out loud. Tanner asked if he could help her, and even
asked to switch seats with me so he could be next to her to point out
the words. He was very patient with her and such a good helper!"

He's always been like that; such a nurturing and thoughtful kiddo. After my last post, I wanted to share that because it shows what he's really like. When I used to count my blessings, the fact that I had many lovely moments like that with him were always at the top of my list. I always felt as if they were God's way of giving me a window into his soul when I found myself getting overwhelmed by his challenges. I know many parents of children like Tanner often struggle to maintain a positive relationship with their children. It can be so easy to get lost in all the negative. I'm still so very thankful that I have MANY wonderful memories with him and I'm sure many more to come.

What else? Oh! I almost forgot. After weeks of going up and down within the same 2-3 lbs. I've decided to just go back to low fat eating. I don't know what I was doing wrong, but I just couldn't get past that plateau and I really shouldn't be plateauing a week into my diet which is about when the plateau started. So, I won't be weighing myself this week, because I expect to see some fall out from going from one WOE to another and I don't want to bum myself out.

Speaking of...I haven't eaten since breakfast (I know, not good either) and I'm actually feeling REAL hunger so I think I'm going to go and grab something to eat. Maybe I'll take advantage of the quiet (Tanner is with his Big Brother and Erik is out with a friend) to have another private dork out session! Today was a good day :)

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