So I'll Keep Digging

Happy Mother’s Day. Tanner is currently at his weekly Yu Gi Oh tournament so I decided that I was going to take a walk after I got off work. My goal is to really step up the exercise this week. I’m hoping that it will help break this stall I’ve been holding for what seems like forever, but I’m also hoping it will help to channel some of my pent up frustrations with life lately into something positive. If nothing else, the activity will probably help with the stress and hopefully help drag me out of this funk I’m in.

I’m feeling a little bit better with each day and I have no doubt that in a few weeks I will be on my way to my usual positive self. I’m just having a rough patch and the other day it was a little difficult for me to get perspective considering everything that was going on in my head at the time. We all have those moments, but most don’t regurgitate it for mass consumption. I’m sure some are probably mortified by the things I share now and then. Honestly, sometimes I’M mortified at the things I’ve shared in this blog. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want to remove Friday’s post almost immediately after posting it, but…it is part of my journey.

Don’t get me wrong, I try to make my writing as transparent as I can, but I don’t share EVERYTHING here (believe it or not, there are things I won’t share). Sometimes I’m asked why I put some of this “out there” and I don’t know that I have an honest answer for the people who have been brave enough to ask. All I know is that in some weird way, it is therapeutic for me. The therapy doesn’t just come with the writing though, it’s wrapped up in the sharing as well, but I couldn’t really tell you why. I think I’m still trying to figure that out for myself.

I read posts like this one (please do yourself a favor and go read this immediately) and yearn to be able to offer introspection and clarity like this. I sometimes have moments where I stumble upon realizations about myself or about my journey and for that brief period, it’s worth it. Times when the words just flow from my fingertips and organize themselves into thoughts that reflect perfectly where my mind is at that very moment; as if I am channeling the Me I want to become. The Michelle who always holds her head up, looks people in the eye and speaks confidently about where she is and where she’s going; the Michelle who will be able to embrace the bulimic Michelle of her 20’s, the morbidly obese Michelle in her 30’s and the work in progress Michelle of right now.

She’s in there somewhere, I just have to keep digging. So far I think I may be halfway to her, my hands are caked in dirt and sometimes I’m so tired I just want to give up, but deep down I know I can’t. I owe it to myself, the person I am now who has come so far over the last several years deserves to break through that last bit of soil and grasp the hand of the person I’m meant to be and pull her free once and for all.

Old Wounds

ETA: this was actually written yesterday (sunday 1/3/10), but I wasn't sure I wanted to post it or make it public. It may not make a lot of sense, but it is just me...trying to figure out where I'm at...kind of stream of consciousness really.

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This morning I find myself mulling over some of the last week in my head. Most of it has been spent in bed. I haven’t felt great and I think if I weren’t already struggling with depression, I might have been able to be a bit more productive. However, because I was already coping with some holiday depression which was compounded by my faux anniversary crap…I think the illness gave me the perfect excuse to lose myself in slumber. I seriously would wake up, go to my office, work my shift, sign off and then crawl back into bed. I’d wake up a bit later to spend a few hours with Tanner and then head back to bed.

I’m feeling a little better today…both health-wise and depression-wise so I guess I’m able to try and reflect with a little more clarity over what has had my mind in overdrive for the last week. When it comes to grief, one thing I’ve realized is that it is very much like a roller coaster. Initially, it feels like you do nothing but bounce from one crest to one valley over and over again; you find yourself plunging down that steep hill, completely out of control of your emotions and then immersed in your grief and before you know it, you are making that climb again, feeling better, more confident and bam…you plummet again. In my experience, the “coasting” time, or the time between those peaks and valleys extends gradually. Before you know it, you are going a few hours between crying jags, then a few days, then maybe it’s a week and before you know it…it is maybe once a month that you experience those scary plummets into the emotional abyss where your grief dwells. Around this time, you also notice that the abyss isn’t quite as dark and murky as it once was. You are able to find your footing and your way back to the here and now much easier. Those intense feelings of grief wane until it is just the gentle ache of remembrance and reflection.

I guess I thought that was it…the end of the cycle of grief. Acceptance. You’ve arrived at your destination and can now get off and get on with the rest of your life. I thought I had arrived and embraced acceptance and was moving on with the rest of my life. You have taken good care of the wounds of loss; you cleaned and bandaged and doctored them until you felt they had healed sufficiently. You take the bandage off with guarded confidence, stretch and bend slowly, testing the wound, making sure its going to hold. Each day you gain more confidence as you see it stand up to more strenuous tests until you aren’t really thinking about it anymore. Maybe just occasionally, you’ll catch a glimpse of the scar in the mirror after a shower or maybe run a hand across it getting dressed and you’ll remember….”Wow, I almost forgot about that….it hurt like hell, that wound” but what you are remembering is just a shadow of what you felt at the time and you have a life to live so you finish dressing and get on with your day. And you think you’re ok.

The thing is, I guess like real wounds, we knit ourselves back together, but we can never really do it with the same finesse as our creator. Whereas before, it took a really nasty injury to open up that initial wound…now, smaller injuries seem to be able to open up it back up easily. That sucks. I don’t like nursing the same wound over and over again! It’s healed, I’m done with it, I’ve moved on…NEXT.

I guess what I’m discovering is that these wounds tend to be fragile because again, like real wounds, if you leave anything behind…any feelings or emotions that weren’t dealt with the first time around…like a nasty bacteria, they are going to weaken any healing that’s done and eventually that wound will open back up again…forcing you to take another look to see what you missed. I know that somewhere this is a good thing, otherwise what is left behind grows and festers and before you know it, it’s consumed you….It takes over, you become septic, you die. So I suppose I should be thankful that I get a second chance at this…the healing.

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The scale is calling me

It's been calling me for a week. I know where it is. It isn't difficult to get to, but somehow I keep forgetting to pull it out and step on it. Part of me is worried I'm going to get the big "E" which means "EEEEEK you are too damn fat for this scale, please exit the platform." I have a feeling I may have gained some weight in the last few weeks. I feel like I have. I've been fighting a depression the last month or so and while I've made some gains emotionally, I think I've been resorting to old habits to cope with the depression.

The holidays pretty much suck for me nowdays. I lost my mom on Thanksgiving back in 2002 so every year I have to cope with that anniversary. Add to that the fact that I have NO family around me (outside of Tanner and Erik's family) and the holidays overall just seem like a non-event anymore. I feel bad, because Tanner gets shortchanged too. Our house is too small for a real tree so we have this sad little charlie brown Christmas tree on a coffee table downstairs. We haven't even bothered decorating it. I also have my 15th wedding anniversary coming up this New Years Eve. Both Erik and I really stopped counting our anniversaries back in 2008 since that is when we officially decided we were splitting up. The only reason we are still married really is because we are too poor to get a divorce.

I was talking to a friend yesterday about my grief over my marriage resurfacing and how difficult it was to understand it because I knew that I would never take Erik back and ...just for the record...I'm pretty sure Erik has NO plans on trying to come back (to the marriage...he lives with us, but you know...it's complicated lol) 20 years of wondering why I was never enough for him was quite enough for me thanks. We have a much better relationship now that all that pressure is off to keep a fake marriage going while ignoring the elephant (which wasn't ME btw!) in the room.

In talking to my friend yesterday, I realized that what I think I was grieving most about was that I really didn't have a chance to fight for my marriage. The fact that he is gay means there is absolutely nothing I could have done to save my marriage (short of growing a new appendage and taking steroids to get the kind of physique he is apparently attracted to). When I was thinner, I just thought I wasn't good enough of a person for him...and even though I was in fairly good shape, I always felt like the "fat girl" so I guess I probably still blamed how I looked even then. As I gained weight, our relationship actually improved; probably because I wasn't pressing him for sex or getting upset at the lack of physical affection he failed to show or initiate.

I don't want you to think that Erik was a jerk. He wasn't and he isn't. He is a really great guy who made all the wrong decisions for the right reasons. He was trying to live the life he felt was moral. The life his family wanted for him. He got me pregnant trying to convince himself he was straight and then married me because it was the right thing to do. He was always a great father and a great friend, but I realize he was never really a husband to me. Not in the way that separates a great friend from a great husband. I'm not just talking sex here...I'm talking about the fact that I realized the other day that I have never had a man look in my eyes, tell me he loves me, and MEAN it the same way I MEAN it. I've never had a man be just as happy to be with me as I was to be with him. I've never known THAT kind of love and I sometimes wonder if I ever will.

Of course it could be a lot worse. For the time that we were married, I had a man that I enjoyed being around, was a great father, good provider for the most part and yes....he did love me, still loves me...just more of the brother/sister kind of love and not the passionate sort. I know many other couples who have that passion, but every other aspect of their marriage sucks! All in all, if I had to chose between the two, I'd probably choose Erik all over again even knowing what I know now. Of course, if I had ever had the choice between Erik and a happy and healthy relationship with a straight man, I would have chosen the straight man hands down and kept Erik as my fabulous gay best friend.

Tanner, in his uncanny ability to pick up on my emotional state, broke my heart the other day. Erik calls him from work on his lunch break and out of absolutely NOWHERE, Tanner gets on the phone with him and says "I don't want you to break up." Not knowing what he was referring to, Erik said "What do you mean you don't want what to break?" Tanner said "I don't want you to break up with mommy" and started to cry :( Wahhhhh I have no idea where it came from, we haven't talked about anything like this recently and hadn't prior to him talking to Erik that evening. Erik did a great job of reassuring Tanner that we would always be there for him no matter what happened between Erik and I, that he would never have to choose between us, etc. In the end, Tanner was somewhat satisfied, but I think it was hard for both Erik and I to see him struggling with the concept.

Ok, well guess this is proof that blogging helps because I think I'm in a much better frame of mind at the end of this post than I was at the beginning. Someone recently told me to count my blessings when I asked how to get through a rough holiday season. It seems so obvious doesn't it? Almost cliche, but when I read her suggestion it really did help. Instead of focusing on what I don't have this holiday season, count my blessings...Tanner is doing great in his new placement at school, Erik has a new job he loves, I have good friends around me and great blogging buddies who put up with my sporadic posting style.

Btw, I am very grateful to those of you who still read and comment despite my obvious neglect (both in posting and commenting and reading your blogs). In the past week, just getting a comment now and then actually helped me pull my but out of bed on my days off so that I could get a few things accomplished around the house.

One more update: the craft fair didn't happen. I spent weeks upon weeks preparing for it then the morning of, Erik got sick and the friend that was going with me had a domestic issue and I couldn't manage getting there and setting up on my own. I probably should have tried, but to be honest....I was scared....scared because I didn't know how far I was going to have to walk, could I unload the car by myself without having a heart attack. If I did manage it, was I going to be in any shape at the end of the day to pack everything back up, etc. For some reason, the person that could muster up the courage to carry a folding chair through Hobby Lobby took a holiday that morning. I stayed home rather than expose myself to some embarrassment at not being able to manage it on my own. This probably triggered the following week's depression to because it is yet another time my weight has limited my independence :(

Ok, enough of that! I was on my way to ending this on a positive note and I still am dammit! There is a Christmas party at Tanner's big brother's church tonight and he invited all of us. As usual, part of me doesn't want to go for all the reasons I didn't go to the craft fair, but I may force myself to go anyway. I'm sure it will be fine and I'll enjoy spending some time with Tanner OUTSIDE the darn house.

I'll let you know if courage wins out over cowardice tomorrow.

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What has Michelle been up to?

Lots of stuff going on with me lately which is why I haven’t managed to do much blogging. That’s good news though….at least it wasn’t depression this time. I’ve had some friends reach out to me recently and I’m taking them up on it; most notably, my good friend Shannon and another friend DaLona (who I still need to call). Shannon is looking out for my social calendar and DaLona is trying nourish my spirit and help me rebuild my shattered faith. I love you both! Then I've had numerous bloggy friends reach out to me. I've read your comments...thank you for keeping me thinking about my situation and how I can change it.

In the past few weeks, I’ve actually been quite busy (for me anyway). I had a dinner and poker night out at a friend’s house. I have to be honest and say the dinner portion was far from diet friendly, but it was good to get out and I didn’t pig out while I was there. The important part was that I got out of this house! The sad side of things was that I also realized how even getting out and having a good time can exhaust me. If I’m going to be exhausted though, at least its good to have a reason for it.

The dinner and poker night is kind of becoming a semi-regular thing for us (erik, tanner and I). We have a good time with Shannon and Mike when we get together and even though Tanner is older than their daughter (she’s 7) he loves spending time with her playing wii or watching movies. Since he doesn’t have many friends, this is often a suitable stand in ;) Anyway, its nice to be able to get out.

What I’ve found is that it isn’t that I’m lacking in friends really, but I’ve isolated myself so much that while I might call them from time to time, chat online occasionally, etc. I really don’t “get out” with them often. They probably quit asking because I had excuses for why I couldn’t go out or participate in whatever so most of the whining I’ve been doing…again…I can attribute to my own actions. I think this is important because as long as someone lets themselves be the “victim” of whatever it is they’ve decided to be a victim of, they are powerless to overcome it. I think that’s what I’ve known all along and what I’ve been saying over and over again in various ways on my blog. I knew I was “playing the victim” but couldn’t see how to pull myself out of that perspective and motivate myself to start changing my situation. In the past few weeks, I’ve started to feel more like making changes again.

Have I started to make changes? Not quite yet, but I’m starting to feel a glimmer of hope somewhere deep inside and I have a few goals for this year that are going to depend on me getting myself going in the other direction health-wise. One of my absolute MUST DO’s is getting Tanner up north to visit with my family. I’ve been promising him I’d take him to see his great-grandfather since he visited back in 2003 or 2004. The reason we haven’t been able to has been largely financial and I’m still not doing well financially, but I’ve decided that I’m going to have to make it happen soon regardless. Besides, I miss my Papa too and want to see him as well. So, Papa, if you are reading this……….you better plan on having company for Thanksgiving. I’ll probably have to work from up there while I’m visiting too so I’m sure he’ll be THRILLED we may have to stay for at least a week lol. I’ll try to make it as painless as possible…have xbox, will travel.

In order to make this trip, I will probably have to drive. Even now, I think it would be difficult for me to attempt a trip like this given my current fitness level. I know you think “Why is that? You just have to sit in a car, how could your weight cause problems?” When you get to my size, your heart has a very difficult time pumping blood to your extremities, your lymphatic system has a hard time moving fluid, etc. So, when I sit for too long in one position, especially with my feet hanging down, my feet tend to swell. If they get too swollen, it can be difficult for me to walk. At times, I’ve even developed infections (cellulitis) in my feet which can be somewhat dangerous and debilitating. God forbid we even think about Deep Vein Thrombosis which could lead to a stroke if I manage to develop a blood clot from sitting too long. I won’t be able to lose a ton of weight by thanksgiving, but I want to be in as good a shape as possible so that I can cope with any problems I might encounter due to traveling. In all likelihood, I could develop swelling, get an infection and wind up stranded at my grandfather’s for god knows how long until I recover enough to drive back. I thought about flying, but with most of the “big butt” policies on most airlines I would have to buy two tickets just for me and I don’t know if I can afford that. I’ll have to crunch a few numbers and see if driving will be the cheaper way to go. Even if I have to buy two tickets for myself, it might be worth it to get out of having to pay lodging up there and back (I doubt I could make the 19 hour drive in one day), food along the way, etc. Regardless, that is the plan. Even if I fly, I’m going to have to be in decent enough shape to get from the parking lot to my gate and make a connection, etc. Besides, I want to be able to help cook and enjoy myself while I’m there and I just can’t do that given my current level of fitness.

So, although I said in my last blog that I wasn’t going to make anymore plans, I kind of have to in this situation lol.

Other news on the home front…I’m weaning myself off my anti-depressant. I know some of you are going to think this is a crazy decision, but I discovered something accidentally over the last few weeks when I missed a couple of doses. It could be coincidence and I’m not opposed to staying on an anti-depressant, but I think my current levels may have something to do with my ambivalence about getting healthier. I think the drug I’m on may be making me TOO ok with where I’m at physically. It isn’t that I’m really ok with where I’m at, but the fire I used to get once in a while that would motivate me to get busy may be too subdued by the meds I’m on. In the past couple of weeks, I’ve started to feel a bit more like the way I used to. I’ve been more motivated to clean around the house, run errands, and be more active. I saw my doctor on Monday (I have more to say about this in another blog) and he gave me a schedule to titrate down off my current meds. I think he has me coming off them too fast, but we’ll see. I’m going to listen to my body and go at my own pace. Erik and I have discussed the fact that he will keep an eye on me and if he feels I’m heading in the wrong direction emotionally (getting too depressed or too up and down) he will step in and suggest that I get back on them or stop titrating down any further if I’m still taking them.

I suspect that an awful lot of people that read my blog probably struggle with depression in similar ways. I know that I probably need to be on some kind of medication, but I need to find a happy medium. I don’t want the extremes (HIGH highs and LOW lows), but I also don’t like the BLAHS I’ve been living with since getting on effexor either. I really do think it may be a huge factor in why I’ve had such a hard time getting going when it comes to weight loss and exercise. We will give it a shot and see what happens.

Another Rambling Entry..........

I can’t tell you guys how helpful it was to get that monster of a post out the other day. It turns out that I was a bit hormonal which is probably why I was feeling so very low, but I have many days like that and I think even on days when I’m more up, there is a part of me inside somewhere whispering “Yeah, put on that happy face, It may fool others, but it will never fool YOU.”

I also had a crazy thought about trying out for the Biggest Loser….apparently they are having a casting call in my city this Saturday and I had almost jazzed myself up about going. I called a friend who would have probably canceled on me anyway, but I had said that even if she did I was going. And then Erik gave me that look… and said “Are you really going to do that Michelle?” in this tone of voice that was just like it was the most ridiculous thing he ever heard. I guess it is though. I can’t even stand long enough to cook a complete meal right now. I’d probably be their first fatality! In the back of my mind, I was thinking that I would have some time to really try to get myself into decent enough shape if I was selected so that I wouldn’t be so weak. I mean jeez, I used to do kickboxing at 419 lbs just a few years ago…GOD I wish I never stopped going to that gym. I was so strong then and I felt so good about myself.

Part of me was pissed at Erik for taking the wind out of my sails but who could blame him? You guys hear how hard it is for me. I can’t even really do the treadmill right now. Taking a shower wipes me out. He sees me on a daily basis, he knows. Ok, I talked myself out of being pissed at Erik lol.

I am taking Tanner to a hip hop dance class tomorrow. He has become a HUGE Michael Jackson fan in the last week. Seriously, he has been youtubing him and the Jackson 5, he watched the memorial (which was very hard for him btw, he also has a very hard time with death…he’s very sensitive like his mom). As always I’m on the hunt to find some things that will not only get him off the damn couch, but something that he might be able to do and feel good about himself! Some of the things we are considering are hip hop dance class, fencing, drum lessons. Not ALL of those things, probably just one to be honest…I’m not made of money quite frankly.

I’m dreading going to the dance place though. Uggh, I am just anticipating that look on their face when I walk in. I always feel like I have to go into hyperdrive and be super extra likeable so that they don’t continue to look at me with veiled disgust; I hate that. It will actually be the first time I’ve left my house for something other than fast food in…hmm, I seriously can’t remember the last time I left my house. Geez, could it have been as long ago as april? I think it was  Girl needs to get out!

Erik doesn’t want to go with us. I suspect its because he’s slightly embarrassed of Tanner’s weight issues and HUGELY embarrassed of mine. He doesn’t want to be embarrassed, but I know that he is. Erik rarely ever wants to go anywhere in public with me. For the last several years of our marriage and since, he talks his way out of going anywhere he might be seen with this ugly behemoth he married. Even if I just suggest a dinner out, he usually will complain that he’s tired or not up to going out, but I know… All those old feelings of not being good enough just hit me like a ton of bricks every time I suggest we do something together, even a family something, and he finds a way out of it. Sometimes, I feign a migraine or some other malady because I know how he feels and I don’t want to cringe inside the whole time I’m out with him; watching him out the corner of my eye to see if he has that tight lipped expression that says “is there enough distance between us? God, nobody think she’s my wife, nobody think she’s my wife.” He’s always been way more concerned about other people’s perception of him than I have been. I think I had to lose some of that parenting Tanner. I may have mentioned here in this blog somewhere, but I soon learned that when he had a public meltdown, I just couldn’t WORRY about what other people were thinking or I couldn’t do what needed to be done to handle the meltdown appropriately. So maybe my experience with Tanner helped me let go to some degree, my own worries about how I’m perceived. If only it could generalize that a bit more to ME and not just my parenting. All in all, I’m a lot better where this is concerned now than I was in my 20’s, but Id’ be lying if I said I didn’t still care about how I’m perceived because of my weight.

This post kinda seems all over the place tonight lol. Maybe it’s the late hour I don’t know. Thanks again to everyone that has been leaving comments. Please know that while I may not always work up the energy to comment back, your support means so much to me right now and I read EVERY SINGLE COMMENT that comes through. Let me get back on my feet emotionally and hopefully I can start supporting your amazing efforts as well.

Sinking deeper

I'm up and down these last few days. My energy level has been extremely low too which tells me this is more depression. Maybe I need to up my meds I don't know. To be honest, I just don't have a lot in my life at the moment that is all that cheerful. I've done crap on my diet, haven't been to the pool in weeks, my grandfather's health isn't all that great and seems to be getting worse (he reads my blog...Hi papa, hope you don't mind me mentioning your business here). The only good thing is Tanner seems to be relatively stable despite heading into his teenage years full throttle.

I was thinking last night about trying to do HMR for a month. It's a fasting program I have done in the past. I managed to lose about 36 lbs in the first month the first time I did it and I know of at least one other blogger who is currently doing it. My thinking is that one month on the program would probably be enough time to get enough weight off that I could start doing more. I need a big change fast guys. I just can't seem to stay motivated on a regular diet long enough to get to where I'm actually experiencing some of the benefits of losing weight. At this point, I'm just looking for the little things. Being able to take a shower without exhausting myself. Putting a sandwich together in the kitchen without needing to sit down to rest before heading back upstairs to my office. I try to diet and although I lose a few pounds, I have to cope with still being so limited in what I can do and where I can go. It's gotten to the point where I come up with excuses for why I can't go to the movies with Tanner and Erik (one of the few outings I might attempt) because I just feel like I'm such an embarrassment to Erik. Tanner could care less...I could care less what other people think..but Erik cares and even though he might not admit that...I know that he does. I don't want to be out in public with him knowing the whole time that he's probably cringing inside wondering what everyone else is thinking of him and his gargantuan wife.

Of course, that whole line of thinking dredges up years of me feeling that way even when i wasn't this large but knew there was something wrong with me; some reason why he didn't love me the way I loved him. It's an ugly place to visit...I don't like going back there so I avoid the situation entirely which means I don't go out with the two of them very often. I had thought about taking tanner to a local water park because I could just hang out in the pool while he had fun, but if Erik doesn't want to be seen with me fully clothed, I highly doubt he's going to want to be seen with me in my sparkly black swimsuit. He'd blame it on himself though..he'd say he was too white, or too fat, or something along those lines. Erik would never want to purposefully hurt my feelings, but I can read between the lines.

Which brings me right back to feeling crappy about myself, crappy about my present state and feeling powerless to make any kind of change. If I wasn't working right now, I'd just turn out the lights and crawl back into bed.

I've been eating a few too many of these lately...

I just wanted you guys to know that I am doing fine...I know I've been super slacking on posting lately. I will fess up and say that I haven't been doing all that great on the diet. I haven't weighed myself and I probably won't this week, but I haven't completely fallen off the wagon. Every day, it is usually *something* but I'm not going crazy which is still progress for me.

Why have I been so vulnerable? I really don't know. I'm definitely fighting my way back out of this depression. I've felt much better this last week, but I have been feeling rather overwhelmed. I had my recurring nightmare I usually get when I'm overwhelmed last night which is usually one of the following:

1. I'm chewing a big wad of bubble gum and can't seem to spit it out. It sticks to my gums and my teeth and as I try to pull it out my teeth come with it.

2. My mouth starts to fill with this paste; almost like my teeth are making it because it sticks to my teeth and I scrape and scrape but can't ever seem to get it all out of my mouth. If I do manage to clean it all out, the next thing I know, my mouth is full of it again.

Last night, it was the nasty paste. I'd almost rather have the gum dream because the paste is just disgusting; almost unclean or something blech. Maybe I should think about this dream whenever I'm craving something fattening. It certainly kills your appetite doesn't it?

So, why am I having these dreams and why am I feeling so overwhelmed? I think its because I've had a lot on my plate lately. First, I had to pay the taxman with money I really didn't have. Then my son did a number on both his hearing aid and cochlear implant. Work hasn't been all that great and one of my jobs isn't as lucrative as it once was so financially all the way around things are tight. I think because I typically handle stress like this with food its been more difficult because I'm also trying to lose weight. I don't WANT to turn to food to cope, but that creates its own kind of stress.

I've also held off on exercise until I can get a stress test done with my doctor (slated for April 30th). I've been having periodic symptoms and he wants to get a good idea about where my heart is functioning and make sure I'm on the right medication before I start taxing it too much. It's frustrating because I do want to start working out. I want to build my strength up because I know that once I start, It will start to snowball in the other direction (getting stronger), but something inside of me just feels so ...defeated...everytime I try to get started and realize my limitations. I know that I have to start somewhere, but sometimes, just thinking about how difficult it is and how slowly I have to start makes it seem like I will never get there and it kind of paralyzes me and makes me want to go back to bed.

I realize this sounds incredibly pathetic, but I'm just being honest about what I struggle with on a daily basis. I keep making "plans", new ideas about exercise, buying bands, downloading this, printing off a workout regime, etc but I never actually get around to DOING any of it and its pissing me off frankly. I HATE being *that* person who does nothing but sit around and moan about her problems but does NOTHING to change her situation. I guess that's the main reason I haven't been posting. I don't want to lie and say I'm sticking to the plan, working out, etc when I'm not but I don't want to get on here and moan and whine about how "hard" it is to get motivated either.

Maybe I'm spending too much time thinking too far ahead. I do that and then start making a mental list of everything I have to do and before I know it, I'm feeling overwhelmed and just want to lose myself in a book or by going to sleep. Maybe I need to throw all my plans out the window and just take it moment by moment?

One thing I am planning on doing this week is posting here every day regardless of whether or not I think I have anything to say. I need to just get myself back into the groove because when I was posting every day I found it much easier to stay on track. Here's to day 1!

Weigh in and I'm feeling good.

Just a quick post to share some good news and some bad news. The bad news is I was sick AGAIN over the weekend with some kind of tummy bug. The good news is I lost 5 lbs in one day which got me to an all time low of 438!!! Of course, It will probably come back on as soon as I rehydrate, but for now....a big YAY for weighing in dehydrated :) That is 27 lbs. so far and I'm finally starting to feel it. So much so that I may even try the treadmill again. I'll let you know how that goes.

I had honestly hoped to be under 400 lbs by my birthday which is this week...not going to happen, but so what. It was an extremely optimistic, but highly unrealistic goal to shoot for. I got halfway there so I'll take it. I'm very happy to be down 27 lbs and am going to do my best to keep the ball rolling in that direction.

I am finally truly feeling like I'm crawling out of the mini depression I had. Thanks to everyone who was so supportive and left comments. I may not have commented back, but please know that it really did help to know I wasn't alone. It also helped me get back on track once I started to feel more like myself.

For me, the depressive episodes are more annoying than anything else. I don't like being the whining, woe is me type, but sometimes it gets a bit overwhelming and I have my little pity party and then move on.

Hopefully this means I'll be posting more regularly as well. I have missed it, but didn't want to come here and just moan about the same old stuff everyday. I knew I'd get through it and figured I'd spare you guys.

I am going out to lunch with a friend of mine tomorrow so I'll try to get her to take a pic of my hair (finally). It's probably going to be totally anticlimatic though lol. I mean, it looks better, but with all the build up, don't expect Martina Mcbride ok?

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Sorry for my absence of late. I’ve kind of felt myself slipping into a depression, the post below is actually a post I sent to an email list I’m on that helps people cope with a marriage that breaks up under the circumstances mine did. I don’t really have the energy to do a whole post from scratch so I’ve tweaked this one. Forgive me for cheating. Some of what is in this post has already been covered earlier in my blog, so bear with some redundancy.

Thanks to all my twitter peeps who kept me away from the mojitos and blizzards today. Hopefully the scale will thank you next week. I WILL try to get some pics of my new hair in the next few days. That did help raise my spirits a bit.
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As far as my depression, I hoped it was just exhaustion, but I guess its not. I've been fighting it, but my insurance recently decided that my anti-depressants were too expensive and insisted that I change to a generic and I don't think they are working as well as they should. I hate it and I fight it hard when I feel it coming on, but I think sometimes it just makes it harder when the bottom kind of drops out of my basket. I know that I will get past it and be ok...maybe I'm just hormonal right now...thats what I'm hoping.

Last week I was exhausted, couldn't get enough sleep and I was worried that I was on the downhill slide, but kept telling myself I had been working too hard. I rarely get "boo hoo" depressed. It manifests itself in exhaustion and apathy for the most part, but I know it affects my son as well because no matter how hard I try to be "up" for him during these bouts, he tends to kind of "unravel" around the same time which only makes things worse.

I've pretty well moved past the fact that my marriage is done. I know that I would never go back to my husband no matter what he told me at this point. We are still great friends and care about each other as we always have, but we have concluded that while we think we would have always been great friends, we just should have never gone further than that.

I am working right now and a few moments ago I had to look up some church times for someone and it got me to thinking about this weekend. The last 10 years have really tested my faith and I hung in there when I almost lost my son at 15 months old. He survived meningitis but was left deaf and with subtle brain damage that manifests itself in behavioral problems that have truly made our lives a daily struggle. I prayed my way through each day, asking God to give me the strength I needed to be the kind of mother Tanner needed; asking for him to guide me in raising him to cope with his frustration and anger and while it was truly difficult to get through the day most days, I felt Him with me and it gave me strength.

We kind of treaded water for a few years and then 2001 I lost my great grandmother right around the time my mother was diagnosed with lung cancer. We had already been struggling with my grandmother's breast cancer recurrence and ultimately lost her 6 months after my great grandmother. My mother would be next dying 6 months after my grandmother on Thanksgiving day. A month before my mother died I learned that my relationship with my husband may not have been as strong as I always thought it had been. We had a very dramatic heart to heart where I asked him to please tell me if he wanted out, but he told me that he loved me more than he ever had, that we had a connection he hadn't experienced with anyone in his life...even his family and confirmed time and time again that there was nothing to worry about. I think that I was just too emotionally exhausted to push it any further. We had just celebrated our 7 year anniversary and convalidated our marriage in the Catholic Church, I had gone through classes and converted and up to the point of disclosure, my faith was stronger than it had ever been despite going through all the loss we had experienced. I look back and I see that first disclosure is what put that first "chink" in my faith.

I was trying SO hard to find meaning in all the crap we had gone through and discovering that my relationship with the person closest to me might be in question shook the foundations of my faith. Over the next five years, various stresses continued to erode my marriage and my faith. My son was spiraling out of control and no medication, therapy, anything seemed to be helping him manage his frustration and frequent meltdowns and both my husband and myself were tired. We had stopped going to church because Tanner could no longer sit through mass and in our own exhaustion and anger, I think we refused to go separately as a way of thumbing our nose at God. We were tired and pissed off at watching everyone else around us enjoy their children and families and whine about things like finding time to help children with their homework, getting them to all their activities, attending yet another birthday party that weekend when our gripes were how to get our son through a meltdown without hurting himself or someone else or how to chisel out a few moments a day to replenish ourselves to face the next day.

We had NOBODY to really help us with Tanner after my mother passed away. Erik's mom could no longer watch him for us (her way to cope with him was to give him whatever he wanted, give in to his tantrums, etc). Our lives became nothing more than work and tag-teaming tanner, living from meltdown to meltdown. We were just SURVIVING, coexisting, but not living. There was very little joy in our lives and I'm sure this all led up to the true disclosure moment which finally snipped whatever fragile tendril of faith I was able to preserve. For the first time in my life, I felt truly isolated. I have very little family left (just a grandfather and aunt/uncle/cousins) so I had kind of comforted myself in the knowledge that I would always have Erik. He and Tanner were my family now and we would make it through together; we'd eventually sort things out. We were fighters all of us. When I finally had to face the fact that my husband and I were going to have to split, that I would never grow old with him after spending almost half my life with him (we met when we were 19) and that my small family unit was no more....it was almost more than I could take. Add to that the fact that we had to hospitalize our son 7 times that year and I was just about all but completely tapped out of happy.

Over the past couple of years, things have improved. Erik and I still live together for financial reasons, but mostly for the sake of our son. Its been working just fine..he sleeps in Tanner's room, I sleep in a room to myself. Tanner has started to improve as he matures which has made a huge improvement for all of us. It is still a challenge, but I finally have some hope that perhaps he may have a better life than I had imagined he'd have just a few short years ago. I've begun to pick up the pieces and I'm looking forward to the next half of my life. I'm slowly rebuilding the damage I did to my body piling on the pounds as I coped with the stress of the last decade + the only way I knew how..with food. I'll get there, I know I will.

I hate when I get caught off guard though. Like researching that request I mentioned. It made me think that maybe I should take Tanner to see the stations of the cross. He's been asking a lot of questions about God and while I answer them as if I still believe, I don't know anymore. I looked up "Stations of the Cross" in our city and the first link was to the grotto where my husband proposed to me and I find myself in tears over something I haven't cried over in at least a year. If there is a God....WTF? The first time I think about heading back to church and out of a random google I get my face rubbed back in the mess that has been my life. The mess that I had slowly pulled my way out of ALL ON MY OWN. It just pisses me off all over again.

When you find yourself blindsided or in a weak moment, where do you find your strength if your faith and family is gone?

PS. to add insult to injury...as I'm closing this a song I've never heard before came on and seemed to echo what I'm feeling right now. It's "Life on the Moon" by David Cook. God is either getting a lot of satisfaction out of rubbing my face in it or I'm working out some seriously twisted karma.

Someone tell me a good joke before I slit my wrists (totally kidding...I have a warped sense of humor)
If you've read this far, thank you xx

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So that is where my head is at at the moment. I’ll find my way back. I know that blogging and the support I get from you guys is what has really given me hope again that I can get my weight off. I will try to post more as I struggle to work my way back to the land of the living. I'll get there....I always do :)