Half Way to Goal, Dropping Out and other changes

Hi guys, yes I have been very absent, but I have been very overwhelmed as well. I think I just decided to withdraw from school for the time being. I’m not so mad or disappointed about that, I just hate that it was an expensive lesson for me to learn. I’ve been so overwhelmed trying to work the same amount of hours (because Erik quit his day job) AND study AND be a mom AND …have a social life to some degree and it just isn’t working. Right now we don’t have a penny until Erik gets paid Friday and I know his check is going to be pretty paltry because he’s had to miss a few days when I had my lab along with some other days when Tanner was just having a bad day.

That’s the other issue…Tanner hasn’t adjusted all that well to all the change since we started school. All the days Erik has had to stay home, our evening routine disturbed because I’m always studying now. Both of us short of temper because we are both spread too thin (some of us more than others), etc. He’s had some outbursts at school that we haven’t seen in a while and his attitude at home has kind of started to suck as well. Yesterday though he cracked me up… I was on the phone with a friend and he was in his room playing his wii when his dad made his nightly phone call to touch base with him and say goodnight. Tanner missed the call, but was apparently VERY annoyed that Erik was calling. The next thing I know I hear Tanner saying:

“Dad! I was playing my game and you were CALLING and FREAKING DISTURBING ME! …ok I love you goodbye”

The first part was said in the snottiest voice I’ve ever heard him use and the final statement “ok I love you goodbye” as if the former hadn’t happened at all LOL. While I’m reaming Tanner a new one and insisting that he turn the game off and call his dad to apologize, I get the following text from Erik:

“Omg, I have to play Tans voicemail for you. Kid cracks me up!”

Apparently he thought Tanner was joking, but even when he found out he wasn’t, he still thought it was funny. Not to Tanner’s face of course, but behind his back, we played the voicemail a few times and got a good laugh out of it. Like I said in my facebook status: “Sometimes you have to laugh so they can make it to the ripe old age of 18.”

One thing that happened in the last week is that I hit my HALF WAY TO GOAL MARK!! I hit 312 last Friday and I’ve been hovering there ever since! I have been exercising more and stared P90, but that has been off and on as well, often taking a backseat to my studies. I definitely plan to get back with the program if I do decide to drop my classes (which has all pretty much been decided at this point). I can’t believe I have 12 more pounds to lose to get under 300 lbs for the first time since Tanner was born back in 1995. As a matter of fact, 312 was the weight I was at WHEN I entered the hospital to have Tanner, so this is a milestone in more ways than one really. I remembered when I was between 440 and 465 thinking it was ridiculous that I fantasized about weighing what I weighed when I was pregnant. I mean, who does that?

Other than being extremely stressed out, I’ve been feeling great. I’ve been getting out and actually had a lovely evening out for dinner Friday night ;) And that’s all I’m going to say about that!

Thanks for hanging in there with me even though I’ve been horrible about updating as of late. I would imagine that will change. I’ve been sorting through a LOT in my head the last week or so and I expect to do quite a bit of my typical “blogging it out” over the next week.

Overwhelmed Blogger reporting for duty SIR!

Yes, still smiling :) I apologize, but this first week of school has taken a lot of my concentration, energy and brain power. Chemistry is going to be a challenge for me. I’ve pretty much cracked the books open as soon as I finish work, but in addition to my day job, Im still working between 15-30 hours a week at my other job. Something is going to have to give, because I haven’t even started looking at my sociology work :S

I’m still hovering between 315 and 317, but this week I’m starting P90. Erik and I just watched the first workout and while I think it is definitely going to be a challenge, I think that I can adapt the moves and get a decent workout. When I was doing my boot camp workouts at the gym, I did the most ridiculous adaptations compared to what everyone else in the class was doing, but I left there feeling just as wiped as the rest of them and I was definitely stronger by the end of the three months. I’m probably going to have Erik take some pictures of me, but honestly guys…I don’t know if I’m going to be brave enough to post them here just yet. I’m talking biggest loser style jog bra and biking shorts pics that won’t hide a thing and yeah…I just don’t know that I’m quite that brave.

I’m looking forward to getting started on the workout though. It seems like every time I’ve tried to get going, I’d wind up with an injury or back in the hospital so I’m going to work out as hard as I can, but I’m definitely going to be smart about it so that I can continue. I will do my best to report in as often as I can as well.

This week, I’m going to make a few changes to my diet as well. I’m going to add in a protein shake because if I’m going to be doing more activity, I’m going to need the protein to help build the muscle. I haven’t decided whether the shake will replace a meal or in addition to the meals I eat. I may just see how I feel. To begin with, I think it may be in addition to what I’ve been eating.

I’m also going to cut out the nightly glass of wine I started having. I’ve never been much of a drinker, but in the last few weeks, I got into the habit of having one glass of wine as I was finishing up my work on the night shift. I know one glass of wine isn’t horrible, but I just don’t like having anything in my life at this time that is habitual. I’m also somewhat worried about transference or whatever they call it when a former food addict has surgery and winds up replacing food with alcohol or sex or shopping…whatever fills that void. Apart from worrying about the psychological implications of a new behavior, I am beginning to wonder if that one glass of wine is causing my weight loss to slow down. I guess we will see what happens when I stop it.

On the social scene, I’m continuing to get out and about whenever I can. I went to a wine social Friday with one of the meetup groups I joined and it was fun. There really is such an amazing group of people that go to these things. I found myself at one point in a conversation with an FBI agent and a former race car driver; really fascinating and interesting people. Despite this, I found myself mid-evening questioning whether I was really enjoying myself. I enjoyed getting dressed up and out of the house for sure, but I think I’d enjoy more outings like the dinners, etc where you can interact more. This honestly felt more like going to a club. The music was loud, people were standing everywhere, you really couldn’t carry on a conversation, etc. I mean, what is the point of having all these interesting people to talk to if you can’t hear each other over the music right? I was never really much into clubbing as a younger adult (I was typically the den mother/designated driver) and I guess not much has changed in the last 20 years. I am, however dying to go to this lecture tomorrow, but I just don’t know if I’m going to make it. Erik has to work and I think Tanner would be bored stiff. Well part of me thinks he might actually enjoy some of it, but I’m guessing it is going to be super “talky” and he’d probably get lost trying to follow along. I checked into getting an interpreter which they were more than happy to provide, but I wound up nixing the idea because I thought I could just leave Tanner at home while I went so I don't want to call them back at the last minute to change my mind. Guess I'll wait and see tomorrow, I probably need to study anyway.

I’ve also been enjoying new friendships I’ve formed and getting out with one person in particular. I’ve decided that I’m going to remain somewhat quiet about this aspect of my life since my whole situation is somewhat complicated. Out of respect for my son, I won’t be discussing much more on the subject of dating, etc. Just know that I am definitely not actively pursuing new prospects at the moment, but I have developed a friendship with someone and am interested in seeing where it might go. Erik is fully informed and while somewhat protective of me, is supportive.

So! There you have it…my week in a nutshell. I plan on elaborating on my last lab experience later in the week. It went well, but I swear, I almost died lol. All I have to say is the prof is getting a strongly worded email suggesting that we take the thermostat down a notch for our next lab.

As a closer, I’m interested in learning if any of you guys have done the P90 program. This isn’t the P90X people, just the P90…baby steps, baby steps.

Can a person smile too much?

Should I be worried that I’m so freaking happy lately? Like the last several months, I feel just elated much of the time. I mean, I have my moments for sure, this isn’t perpetual, but …I’m generally happy a lot now  I went to my first Chem lab this past Thursday and had to walk a good distance from where I parked to where the building was. On my way over I was thinking “What if I can’t do it? What if I’m huffing and puffing by the time I get there?” Guess what? I wasn’t breathing hard, I hadn’t broken a sweat (it was FREEZING cold so no surprise there). I felt like a normal person by the time I got to the building.

We had to meet our professor in a classroom before heading up to the lab and I spent some time talking to some students outside as we waited for him to arrive. No worries about whether anyone was looking at me wondering what the circus freak was doing there…I didn’t even think about it until later; that I hadn’t been bothered about what anyone might have been thinking about me. I had Erik take a joke picture of me on my “first day of school” that I was going to share on the blog, but uggh, it was ugly lol so I chickened out so I guess I was worrying about what you guys would think.

When the professor got there, we walked in the classroom to see desks with the chairs attached; horrors! I was sure I wasn’t going to fit. I debated walking to the very back so that if I had trouble nobody would see, but for whatever reason I just bit the bullet and sat in one of the front desks and guess what? I fit. Granted, it was a somewhat snug fit, but not uncomfortable at all. I grinned like a stupid Cheshire through the whole class. I seriously had to remind myself to STOP SMILING LIKE A LOON! I’m sure the professor is bringing mace with him next time, I probably freaked him out.

I couldn’t help it though. I sat there, after walking across part of the campus, standing outside the room for half an hour talking to students and then sitting in the desk thinking “I am at school! I am doing this! I am living my life again” and that silly smile would pop back up on my face. I was giddy, it was ridiculous, but I tried to act as normal as I possibly could ;) I don’t think anyone caught on that I was on the verge of breaking into song and doing a little impromptu tap dance on the professor’s desk. I hide it well apparently.

How cute is this though? Before I leave, Erik gives me a 10 minute lecture on safety. He wants me to park in the parking garage and walk to the building and then walk back so I’m sure I know the way. When I’m walking, I need to be aware of my surroundings at all times. If possible, walk back with another student. Then he breaks out this flashlight thing on his keyring and illustrates that it is also a rape whistle. I mean, he actually puts the thing to his lips and blows it for me to demonstrate proper usage. I was also instructed that I was to call him when I was on my way to my car and then again after I got to the car and was on my way home. I’m surprised he didn’t teach me a few self defense moves while he was at it bless his heart. If he could have driven me, he probably would have. I just smiled my ever present goofy smile and said “Aww, are you worried about me?” He was a little put off that I wasn’t taking his lecture seriously lol *puts serious face on* “yes sir!”

Nahh, I’m not going to worry about being too happy. I have many reasons to smile these days.

You look same!

Sorry guys, got this almost written and meant to post yesterday, but got busy with school stuff. Incidentally, I think I've just decided that I won't be able to take any classes this semester. I won't be able to get my loan processed and approved in time to pay for classes and books. This means that I most likely won't get the classes done in time to apply to nursing school next November (for admission May of 2012.) The upside is that, by the time I can take my classes, Erik will probably have his Interpreting certification which means he will be making more money. He has said that because I put him through 3-4 years of school while we were married (he wasn't working at the time), he will make up the difference financially so that I can maybe work part time and focus more on school when it is my turn.

I also got to thinking about how rushing to get these courses in before November was probably going to stress me out. I needed to take two courses in the Fall, Spring, and Summer(meaty courses) and I know that if I got overwhelmed, my workout would be the first thing to go. I took it as a sign that, as excited as I am about getting back in school, I need to stay focused on getting healthier. Not to mention that, by the time I actually am able to get into nursing school, I'm going to be a thin, hot sexy version of myself who will be able to run circles around all those 20-something students I'll be attending with ;)

Ok, now for yesterday's post:

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This week’s weight loss is a whopping 7 lbs people!! The biggest change is that I have been much more active so I’m definitely going to be keeping that up. Can you believe it? I am now down a total of 80 lbs!! I actually stepped on the scale last night (when I seem to weigh the least for some reason) and I was at 383, but this morning I was back at 385, but I am extremely happy with that number. Excited about the prospect of being in the 370’s next week or the week after! I would love to hit 375 by the end of the month, so we’ll see.

Since my last blog post, I’ve been busy working out and trying to see if I can get registered for some classes online. As far as working out, I am now up to 15 minutes at a time on the treadmill and doing at least 25-30 minutes a day PLUS going to a water aerobics class 2-3 times a week PLUS just going to the pool and walking the pool. I feel AMAZING! I have so much more energy and actually look forward to working out. Even Tanner has jumped on the bandwagon. This summer, he has lost about 15 lbs and he is starting to hop on the treadmill himself without any prodding from me! I can’t wait to get our bikes so that we can start going for bike rides this fall.

Today as a reward for hitting 80 lbs lost, I went and got a pedicure. I was so excited because my toes looked hideous! I couldn’t wait to get them all buffed and filed and polished..not to mention the leg massage! Tanner came along so that he could get his hair cut next door. He wasn’t happy about it either, he wants to grow it out, but he has his daddy’s hair and it doesn’t really get long…it just gets bushy. I was past tired of looking at it so I insisted that he come with me and get it done. He tried to argue about it, but I told him if he said one more word about getting his hair cut I’d tell them to shave his head. Instantly he said, “I was just teasing mom, I wasn’t really mad!” Heh, yeah, that’s what I THOUGHT! ;)

I head back to the nail place with a smile on my face, already feeling the bubbly water caressing my feet, the massage chair working out all the sore muscles from all the working out I’ve been doing. I walk in and they escort me to the chair. I mention to the man doing my pedi that I haven’t been in for a while because I had surgery so my feet looked horrible. He smiles and asks me what surgery I had. I tell him a little bit about the VSG and he says “Oh, so you will be losing a lot of weight yes?” (he’s Vietnamese). I tell him I hope so and indicate that I had already lost 32 lbs with a huge smile on my face. He cocks his head and looks at me quizzically as he says “You look same!” Gotta love their ability to say whatever the heck is on their mind (you may remember this post…I don’t have good luck at nail salons obviously.) I thought it was funny though because I really don’t think he was trying to be mean; I think it is just a cultural thing. He later mentioned that I had good feet for a fat person (because they aren’t super thick on the bottom lol), so that has to count for something right ;). He was also very sweet to Tanner who was talking his ear off about all things asian (anime, manga, china, japan, where Vietnam was, what he eats, etc so I guess we weren’t all the politically correct either).

Erik and I always joked that we could never take Tanner to Japan or China when he was younger (Tanner’s pick whenever we talked about where we would like to travel) because he’d be trying to karate chop everyone or asking them if they “speak Chinese food” (he actually asked an asian person this once…thankfully they had no clue what he said). If he wasn’t doing those two things, we were certain he’d be asking everyone if they knew Jackie Chan. Asia was definitely off limits years ago and I’m not too sure it is still off limits for our family :)