My Progress!

Friday, March 8, 2013

Enough

Hi. It’s me. Sorry I’ve been so neglectful of my blog. I don’t really have a good excuse. I’ve been trying to figure out why it was so hard to log back in and post an update. I think I finally figured out that there may be a few reasons, but none of them really going into. The biggest reason is probably because this blog was always about taking a long hard look at myself and I think I’ve been avoiding that mirror because I’m not entirely sure I’m going to like what I see. I know I won’t despise what I see, but I’m not quite to the point I thought I was; where I could look myself dead in the eye with confidence and be satisfied with the woman who was reflected back. I can’t say I’m worse off. I’m still working the same job and enjoy going to work every day. I haven’t lost much more weight, but I haven’t gained either. I’m still dating the same man and while I know he cares for me as much as he can, I don’t know that my relationship with him is a whole lot different than the relationship I had with Erik. He treats me well, but in so many ways, I find myself struggling with a lot of the same relationship issues: feeling like everything is more on his terms, feeling like I give more than I get, yearning for a connection that just isn’t there. I’ve been talking to him more and more about how I feel even though I know it is difficult for him; hoping that he’ll…I don’t know what I’m hoping he’ll do honestly…I guess I’m hoping that he’ll magically transform into the man I want him to be. A few weekends ago, I just broke down and really talked about what it was like being married to Erik. Loving him so much, turning myself inside and out trying to be the person that he could love in the same way yet never quite being …enough; no matter what I did. I was honest with him and told him that sometimes, the things he did, the way he reacted or the things he said put me right back in those moments where I felt I was lacking something that would elude me forever. He instantly responded with “you are enough.” Later that night, as I was headed home, he sent me a link with “song #6.” I thought he was just sending me some song he liked (that I’d probably hate…we do NOT have the same taste in music lol) because he’s not the sort of dude to send a girl a song that reminded him of her. I got home and initially couldn’t pull up the link. I finally found it and saw the title “Like Jesus Does.” I’d never heard it or the artist that sang it so I still wasn’t expecting the song that started when I pulled it up on youtube. It touched me, but it also wasn’t lost on me that it was more about how I made him feel; not so much how he felt about me. Since that weekend, I’ve done a lot of thinking and the hardest realization I came to was that while it did mean a lot to me to have him look me dead in the eye, reach for my hand and tell me that I was enough and later follow it up with the sweet text with the song, I’m just not sure that its “enough” for me. He’s never said the words “I love you.” I’ve only said it a few times myself and each time he pulls me close and kisses the top of my head, but he never answers in kind. I realized long ago, that my penchant for going after emotionally unavailable men had everything to do with my self-esteem issues. If I could just make them love me, it would validate me in some way I needed validation. I never thought of myself as a girl with “daddy issues,” but I’ve come to realize that is exactly what my problem is. I spent a lot of my childhood wondering how my father could watch another year go by, another birthday, Christmas, graduation, all those milestones…and not wonder about me. Part of me, even then, was trying to be someone he could be proud of; if and when he ever tried to look for me. What I didn’t know until I was about 21 was that, not only had my father passed away when I was around 13, but he had been fed lies that led him to believe he wasn’t even my father so…all that time, he wasn’t thinking about me at all. So, I guess I’m a big ol’ cliché; repeating the same patterns over and over again in my relationships trying to finally make daddy love me. Obviously, that is only one thing I have to work on where my head is concerned. I’ve started seeing a therapist though; I have my second visit with him tomorrow. I’m supposed to describe my vision of a “happy life.” Honestly, I’m a much happier person for the most part. The things that would make me happiest aren’t things I can do much about and aren’t likely to change. So, all I can do is work on the parts that I do have control over. Guess I’ll just keep on keepin’ on and see where I wind up.

4 Comments:

Anonymous said...

Welcome back...we've missed you and worried about you.

Anonymous said...

Yes, welcome back. About looking in the mirror, and how you feel about the person looking back: it's a process, rather than a destination. If you're lucky, that process will keep evolving right up to your last day - learning, loving, growing. You're on the right path, sounds like to me.

KathyA

nfl jerseys cheap said...

Very good. Hope you can continue to work hard.

JAGinSD said...

Hello.

I just came across your blog today. I think you rock.

As I read this post, I was hoping that, by now, you, too, think you rock. I truly hope that--whether on your own or with the help of the referenced therapist--by today you're truly enamored of yourself and delighted to be you.

I think it's funny that a stranger like me can instantly recognize you as a remarkable, resilient, caring, intelligent, funny and sweet creature, and yet you seem to wonder at your worth.

As far as the referenced boyfriend, to someone removed like me, it sounds like you both want/need someone else but don't want to let go. Instead of hoping that he'll "turn in to the man you want him to be" how about you try finding a man who adores you and gives you butterflies? Even if you end up spending time alone, at least you won't have to deal with the niggling doubts and the insecurities that he seems to create for you.

Best of luck to you, and thanks for this blog.