I need a NO DRAMA button guys!!!

Seriously seriously seriously! I don't have time to go into EVERYTHING that has happened since I posted last, but just so you know I'm not abdicating my blogging duties for frivolous reasons, in a nutshell, we have had to move, nurse a suicidal friend, find homes for suicidal friend's four dogs and kinkajou, put up with LOADS of grief from suicidal friend for permanently placing her mastiff (that was 20 lbs underweight by the time we got her some help), and I've start a third job to pay for all the new unexpected costs. We now just learned that Thunder, our sweet little lab is probably going to need to have a very expensive procedure performed on his ear because we can't get rid of an infection and he is just miserable :(

Needless to say, I have been a ball of nerves the last few weeks, eating like crap, need to step on a scale to see where I'm at. I know guys, always something comes along and derails me, but I LET myself get derailed. I'm trying to regroup now and get back on the diet. I'm still considering surgery, but need to get the 30 lbs off first. My primary is suggesting that I try HCG (he hopes to get it in the next few weeks) and since I have a friend doing HCG, I may try it. Who knows, if it works as well for me as it seems to be working for her, I may not need the surgery.

I am still trying to finish getting moved so I can't promise I'm going to be promise that I'm going to be blogging regularly over the next week, but I hope to update at length what has been going on the last 2-3 weeks.

It may sound like all bad news, but there are some positive things here and there. I hope to fill you in on some of those too in the next few weeks. Hang in there with me.....I'm not giving up!


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How bad do I suck? Really?

I'll be honest and say on a scale of 1-10 of sucking, I'm probably about an 11 wouldn't you say? I haven't been posting because I've kind of been in another slump and facing this blog when I'm in a slump is like having someone slam a big fat failure pie in my face. I know, I know...the blog is supposed to be about the WHOLE journey, even the times when I completely lose it and spend a week or so stuffing my face with as much fast food and take out as I can buy, but its SO hard to blog when I'm in that mode. The part of me that can be so positive sometimes loves to blog and tell the world how successful I'm being, but that part of me hates to blog when I'm a big fat failure. I almost feel this....anger when I remind myself I haven't blogged in days and really should login and say SOMETHING. It makes me mad, I almost feel like I have this other OBLIGATION I have to address and like a spoiled child, I turn my back, stick out my lower lip and refuse to give in.

I know the anger I feel isn't towards my readers or the blog really. Its anger at myself for, once again, falling off the wagon. Geez is there even a wagon that can hold my half ton arse? Maybe thats the problem? I know the blogging helps when I do it because it holds me accountable and I really think thats the key to me doing this for once and for all, but how to keep myself coming back every day even on the days when I want to stick my head in the sand and pretend that a sausage mcmuffin with egg won't hurt my diet that much.

Ironically, I think the thing that kicked off this last binge was my trip to the doctor. I'm really sick and tired of being sick and tired and Im REALLY sick and tired of complaining and moaning about how sick and tired I am while doing nothing to address the problem. That isn't the sort of person I want to be, but I'm just so fecking limited right now! I found myself daydreaming the other day about the days i used to go grocery shopping for myself or to the hobby or book store and spend hours walking around checking all the new projects out. Right now, I don't even consider doing any of this. Thinking about it just exhausts me because the thought of walking from the parking lot to the store itself I know will do me in for the day.

I realized that thinking about the person I used to be when I took activity like that for granted is almost like me thinking back on the person I used to be when I smoked. I can no longer imagine holding a cigarette in my hand, taking a drag and blowing the smoke out....its like some other person, but I know when I smoked, I couldn't imagine a me that didn't always have a pack of cigarettes at hands reach away. Now, I look back on the person who would just grab her keys and go to a store FOR FUN! and wonder who that was? Did she really enjoy standing on her feet for hours at a time, walking down aisle after aisle in a search for her next book or project? I know she did...it was how she relaxed most of the time. It was her quiet time away....was she CRAZY? I know I used to love getting out of the house..as a matter of fact, I hated to be home, sitting on the couch watching TV. So where did she go and how did I lose her? Right now, the idea of doing any of this really just zaps any energy I might have and makes me want to go back to bed before I can even grab my keys. It absolutely defeats me. When you feel defeated, its impossible to muster up motivation and motivation is what I need to get back into the groove.

P.S. I consulted Erik on the photo selection. He was absolutely completely against the one I chose (he actually thought it was repulsive....he has never gotten my humor). So weigh in guys....was it in poor taste or was it the perfect illustration for this particular post?

Remember Me?

I know I've been horrible as of late when it comes to updating my blog. I'm almost embarrassed to tell you all the ways I've found to completely WASTE what little leisure time I have. The picture I've included above, is one very unproductive, but addictive habit I've started...it's called "Farmtown." Basically, in Farmtown, you start off with a little farm; you plow your fields, plant your crops and then go to market, where you hire other farmers to come harvest your fields which you then sell to finance more farming and fixing up your farm. I know it sounds silly, but it's very easy to become addicted to something like that even when you have a life, when you don't.....it becomes your life!

Lately, I'd really had a nagging sense of how much time I was wasting and how much of my REAL life I was frittering away tending this silly cyber farm! I wasn't just taking time away from the goals I had set for myself, but also from those around me. I wasn't doing the sorts of things I wanted to be doing with my son. I wasn't working out, I wasn't even watching my diet anymore. Forget falling off the wagon, my fat arse BROKE the wagon and I didn't even care about fixing it. I haven't weighed myself yet, but I will later today and I will report the damage. I'm hoping I'm not back at square one, but be ready for some bad news.

I've also made some new goals and set some new rules for myself in hopes to get back in the game. First off, I blog before I spend any time doing anything else in my "leisure" time. That means no reading, no playing farmtown, no anything until I update my blog. I may not have a heck of a lot to say everytime I update, but I know that there are those of you out there who have been extremely supportive of my efforts and I kind of feel like I let you guys down just dropping out for over a month.

I wanted this blog to chronicle my efforts and my failures in hopes that maybe I can identify WHY I can't seem to get this weight off. What is my biggest obstacle? I'm beginning to realize that the biggest obstacle is ME. I need to stop putting my head in the sand and checking out like this. It is definitely a pattern. Sometimes I throw myself into work scheduling 60-80 hour weeks that leave no time for anything other than eating and sleeping. Sometimes its losing yourself in a cyber farm. Regardless, I find something that allows me to just check out of my "real life" so that I can forget that my "real life" basically just consists of waking up each morning, making my way to my office to work, then downstairs later to spend some time with Tanner and maybe finish off with an hour or two to myself before it starts all over again the next day. So many of my days I don't even step foot outside, unless of course I'm making a run to the nearest fast food place for dinner....which we've been doing a lot of lately too. It really is a sad existence. I'll go into more of this over the next week. Who in their right mind would want to be PRESENT for this kind of life?

So, although I haven't been "in the game" much at all over the last month or so, I have had moments where I could feel that part of me that wants MORE gently nagging at the back of my mind, urging me to snap out of it...and here I am. I have to be honest with you, I'm not feeling all powerful or coming to you with "I CAN MOVE MOUNTAINS" attitude. At the moment, I'm just thinking...this is a first step and I did it. Here's hoping I can keep putting one foot in front of the other until I'm walking confidently towards a new me.

I've been eating a few too many of these lately...

I just wanted you guys to know that I am doing fine...I know I've been super slacking on posting lately. I will fess up and say that I haven't been doing all that great on the diet. I haven't weighed myself and I probably won't this week, but I haven't completely fallen off the wagon. Every day, it is usually *something* but I'm not going crazy which is still progress for me.

Why have I been so vulnerable? I really don't know. I'm definitely fighting my way back out of this depression. I've felt much better this last week, but I have been feeling rather overwhelmed. I had my recurring nightmare I usually get when I'm overwhelmed last night which is usually one of the following:

1. I'm chewing a big wad of bubble gum and can't seem to spit it out. It sticks to my gums and my teeth and as I try to pull it out my teeth come with it.

2. My mouth starts to fill with this paste; almost like my teeth are making it because it sticks to my teeth and I scrape and scrape but can't ever seem to get it all out of my mouth. If I do manage to clean it all out, the next thing I know, my mouth is full of it again.

Last night, it was the nasty paste. I'd almost rather have the gum dream because the paste is just disgusting; almost unclean or something blech. Maybe I should think about this dream whenever I'm craving something fattening. It certainly kills your appetite doesn't it?

So, why am I having these dreams and why am I feeling so overwhelmed? I think its because I've had a lot on my plate lately. First, I had to pay the taxman with money I really didn't have. Then my son did a number on both his hearing aid and cochlear implant. Work hasn't been all that great and one of my jobs isn't as lucrative as it once was so financially all the way around things are tight. I think because I typically handle stress like this with food its been more difficult because I'm also trying to lose weight. I don't WANT to turn to food to cope, but that creates its own kind of stress.

I've also held off on exercise until I can get a stress test done with my doctor (slated for April 30th). I've been having periodic symptoms and he wants to get a good idea about where my heart is functioning and make sure I'm on the right medication before I start taxing it too much. It's frustrating because I do want to start working out. I want to build my strength up because I know that once I start, It will start to snowball in the other direction (getting stronger), but something inside of me just feels so ...defeated...everytime I try to get started and realize my limitations. I know that I have to start somewhere, but sometimes, just thinking about how difficult it is and how slowly I have to start makes it seem like I will never get there and it kind of paralyzes me and makes me want to go back to bed.

I realize this sounds incredibly pathetic, but I'm just being honest about what I struggle with on a daily basis. I keep making "plans", new ideas about exercise, buying bands, downloading this, printing off a workout regime, etc but I never actually get around to DOING any of it and its pissing me off frankly. I HATE being *that* person who does nothing but sit around and moan about her problems but does NOTHING to change her situation. I guess that's the main reason I haven't been posting. I don't want to lie and say I'm sticking to the plan, working out, etc when I'm not but I don't want to get on here and moan and whine about how "hard" it is to get motivated either.

Maybe I'm spending too much time thinking too far ahead. I do that and then start making a mental list of everything I have to do and before I know it, I'm feeling overwhelmed and just want to lose myself in a book or by going to sleep. Maybe I need to throw all my plans out the window and just take it moment by moment?

One thing I am planning on doing this week is posting here every day regardless of whether or not I think I have anything to say. I need to just get myself back into the groove because when I was posting every day I found it much easier to stay on track. Here's to day 1!

Try, try again....

I'm kind of *whispering* this because I don't want to proclaim something only to crash and burn tomorrow, but today I actually felt pretty darn good. I was able to focus on work and actually get something done. Erik and I also had a conversation about his concerns about his weight and how he's been struggling with staying motivated to do anything about it just as I have. We have come up with a plan of sorts that I'll probably go into more tomorrow.

I wanted to thank every single one of you who offered your support. As I blog more, you will probably see me do this. Again, I don't necessarily think I'm bipolar or anything quite that severe. I have legitimate crap in my life that gets me down; sometimes, I withdraw a bit just to conserve myself and keep from getting completely overwhelmed. I cut back in areas where I can so that I can be there for my son. If I'm worrying about all the things I think I *have* to do, then I find that the really important stuff starts to suffer. Reading your comments helped so much. This truly is an amazing community to be part of and I know that having this outlet and you guys for support is what is keeping me coming back again and again rather than giving up completely. In the past, an episode like this would probably be enough to derail me for a good 4-6 months. Not that I would have spent that much time depressed, but the depression would have knocked me off my efforts to diet and lose weight and I wouldn't revisit them again for another 4-6 months. Of course by then, I would be slightly heavier than I was the last time I started and just *that* much further behind.

The accountability of this blog keeps me focused. I know its frustrating for those that care about me (friends and family mostly) to see me experience some success and then fail again. It must be very much like having an alcoholic in the family go several weeks without drinking and then coming home to find them on their sixth beer. I hate knowing this is the effect I have on those I love when I fall off the wagon, but I AM committed to making a change, I WILL get there.

PS. I'm also going to try my hardest to get a picture here in the next day or two. The stars have to align just right apparently for me to get my hair AND makeup done when they both look good. Lately, I've had days where my hair looks fabulous but my makeup looks like crap and other days where my hair looks like crap and ....well lets face it, if my hair looks like crap, I probably don't even bother with makeup. As soon as I have both looking good, I'll take a pic lol. In the meantime, I'll see if shannon can send me the lovely one she took of me in foils :)

In closing, I will leave you with this quote that helped me put my stumblings into perspective:

"Keep on going, and the chances are that you will stumble on something, perhaps when you are least expecting it. I never heard of anyone ever stumbling on something sitting down." ~Charles F. Kettering

I got where I was a few months ago by sitting on my butt for too long. I'm stumbling a bit right now, but thats because I KEEP ON MOVING. I'm going to try to cut myself some slack and embrace the fact that I'm still thinner and much better off than I was before I started this journey.

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