Sometimes you have to give up on the life you've planned, to have the life that is waiting for you

This is one of my favorite quotes because it is an idea I had to embrace after learning my husband was gay. My journey down this particular path started towards the end of 2002, just a few months before my mother passed away when I came across the first clues that he might be hiding something. I confronted him, but he was able to convince me that my fears were unfounded; probably because I wanted to believe him. I knew I would be losing my mom soon, had just lost my grandmother and my son had just had major surgery. I wasn’t exactly in the best place to embrace the fact that my marriage was a sham and that my husband would never love me the way I hoped and prayed he someday would.

When I came across additional evidence 5 years later in 2007, he didn’t even try to deny it. Well, he did to some extent actually. Part of him still tried to hold on to something that would keep him in a “safe” place; a place that wouldn’t find him singled out by society, by family members or even friends that couldn’t accept what he couldn’t change about himself. To say I was devastated goes without saying. My world was rocked to its very core and I honestly didn’t see how I could ever recover. I’d spent almost half my life with this man; woven a past, present and could see the pattern of our future laid out before us and then all of a sudden….it all just unraveled.

Most of you have heard this story before; especially those of you who have been with me a while. Recently, someone in my str8 network posted this story about the swan and the scorpion. I’ll cut and paste the story below:

"There was a Swan at the edge of a river and a scorpion approached asking the swan if she would kindly give him a ride to the other side of the river on her back. The swan said "no, you are a scorpion, you will sting me and I will die." The scorpion assured the swan that he wouldn't do that, all he wanted was a ride to the other side and he promised she was safe with him. So the swan gave in and allowed the scorpion to climb upon her back. She swan to the other side and just before reaching the shore the scorpion stung her and jumped to safety. As the swan was sinking, slowly dying from the poisons she asked the scorpion why he broke his promise and stung her. The scorpion said "I'm a scorpion, that is what I do."

Typically, most gay spouses tend to be incredibly narcissistic. It makes sense and I’ve always made the observation that only the worst sort of person would knowingly entrap someone in a faux marriage, make children and a life with someone just so that they could “have their cake and eat it too.” Erik didn’t really fall into this category entirely. I really believe he wanted more than anything to be able to be happy living the straight life. He never cheated on me and to this day I don’t know that he has even acted on his same sex attraction. We had our issues when he finally “came out” to me, but they were short lived and for the most part, he has been decent and assumed responsibility. Many str8 spouses are not so lucky. They have spouses who cheat on them their entire marriage, expose them to countless STDs, belittle them and project their own self hatred onto the str8 spouse. Even when disclosure comes, the gay spouse continues to manipulate and attempt to control the str8 spouse’s life. Believe me, I have heard HORROR stories.

The interesting thing about this story and the commentary on the blog on which it was posted was that so many of us str8s saw ourselves in this allegory. Basically, the point is that we tended to project our own good qualities onto our spouse which they were more than happy to own and exploit. I know I definitely did this in my marriage; put Erik on a pedestal. He is a decent guy, but looking back, I can definitely see that there were times when I would extol his wonderful qualities and while he wouldn’t necessarily OWN them, he wouldn’t refute what I was saying either and at some point on my journey from disclosure to now I would say those were the things that ate at me the most.

I honestly think I got a bit off track here, but I’m not going to edit myself. The whole point of me addressing this topic today was that I read the following post on a fellow str8s blog and wow, could I remember what it felt like to be in THAT moment; to want more than anything in the world to undo what was no longer undoable. Tiffany expresses herself in such a beautifully heartbreaking way that I remember SO well, but while reading it I realized: “I remember, but wow…I’m not that woman anymore.” I could remember the Michelle who ached for her husband to say he’d made a mistake and couldn’t live without her; that they could go on as before and grow old together and I can feel sad for her, but I realized that I am a different woman today so much happier for the Michelle I am today.

She didn’t know it then, but this event, disclosure, freed her in ways she wouldn’t realize for a few years. She was finally free of all the self doubt, the self loathing for never being what she needed to be to make her husband love her the way she craved. She was free to discover who she was apart from this disingenuous relationship, to seek out something real. She was free to rediscover all the things she had willingly given up (my choice, I’ll own that) in her pursuit to find the right magical combination of qualities that would make her what he needed her to be. So many things I put off, or did away with that I loved because he didn’t want to do them or didn’t value them the way I did. Again, it was MY choice to abdicate my own interests and passions, but I am now enjoying my life and enjoying being able to fill it up with what I love.

And yes, I believe that there is a special someone out there for me; someone who crossed my path several times over the last couple of decades, but for one reason or another we never actually connected until just the right time in our lives, or almost the right time lol. 

So yes, I’m grateful for that horrible moment 5 years ago when I felt the world crumble at my feet. Out of the detritus of yesterday’s shattered dreams I’ve realized an inner strength I wasn’t aware of. I’ve gone on to experience things (both wonderful and some not so wonderful) I might have otherwise missed and I can honestly say, I wouldn’t trade where I am today for where I might be had I not discovered my husband was gay and continued to live in ignorance. Fellow str8s just beginning this journey? Trust me, you will find your way here too eventually.

What does Elvis have to do with anything?

Ok, so at least one person was fairly upset at my assertion yesterday that Elvis may have been gay. Another held up comments by other actresses who claimed he was a great lover, etc. I still say there is plenty of room to question his sexuality. I probably could have said the same thing about Erik until I discovered graphic examples of what he truly preferred sexually. I'm not going to debate the Elvis thing because it's really only my speculation.

One thing that I've been struggling with lately, and it actually is quite common in straight spouses, is almost a type of homophobia. You can ask anyone that knows me...I was probably the least homophobic person in their circle. As a matter of fact, in college, I wrote a speech arguing for Gay Marriage (back in the early 90's) and afterwards, I had some hard core texan good ol' boys come up to me to say that although they didn't agree with gay marriage, my speech had really gotten them thinking. What is ironic is I remember practicing my speech for Erik of all people. It is times like that I have to think "WHAT was going through his head at that time?" What was he thinking as he heard me give this speech knowing that he had this SSA? At this time, we were both about 22. God, I can't help wondering "what if he had just broken down and told me then?" How different our lives would have been.

So, back to being homophobic. I know it is irrational, but I guess some of my anger at this whole situation gets unfairly transferred to the entire gay population. Gay people I know, I'm alright with. It is the gay person I don't know...some friend in Erik's new circle of friends...some stranger I happen to interact with on the rare occasions I'm out. It is those people I feel myself directing some of my anger too. I KNOW it doesn't belong there which is why I try to be as aware of it as possible, but it is difficult to get past sometimes.

I joke now that "I SEE GAY PEOPLE." And I do, pretty much everyone is assumed to be gay unless proven otherwise now. I don't trust my own judgement which is probably another reason why I'm not in any hurry to get involved with anyone anytime soon. Someone commented that Erik wasn't the only one who could date...that I could too. I know this, but ...I don't know...I feel like I was so completely DELUDED about the sort of relationship Erik and I had. I knew something was wrong, but on the other hand, I romanticized SO much about our relationship....we were meant for each other, etc...maybe I was trying to find meaning or give meaning to some of the things that just didn't add up. Honestly, most gay people are just as appalled that someone would marry someone without being upfront about their SSA. What is really frustrating though is that whenever this sort of situation is addressed publicly...everybody feels all this empathy for the GAY spouse and I just don't get that at all. The GAY spouse was the coward, the liar, the person who defrauded an innocent woman or man and wasted the best years of their lives (for the most part) in a marriage they KNEW they had no business being in. The straight spouse is often an afterthought. I will never understand why people are so often inclined to feel all this compassion for the gay spouse.

Part of me wants Erik to find someone, fall in love and FEEL the attachment, connection, etc with another person. I want him to find some man that he can finally have that TRUE connection with,know true intimacy with and then I want him to feel the crushing heartache as the relationship unravels. I want him to know the devastation of having someone he loved as deeply as he's ever loved anyone reject him and toss him aside. And I hate myself for feeling this way.

This is where I find myself lately...vacillating between the relationship we have now and the detritus and fallout of what was. Simultaneously forgiving him and crucifying him over and over and over again. Maybe I need to see about talking this out with a therapist or something. Someone who can help me sort through all these feelings and put them behind me once and for all because I really really really do want to get on with my life.

Wow! I had NO intention of going HERE today. I've sat here for the last 5 minutes struggling with my finger hovered over the delete button, but I'm going to go ahead and just post it.

As a mini update on things: I didn't hear back from the doctor today so we'll see if she gets in touch with me before the end of the week.

TODAYS CHALLENGE: is from T.S. I walked circles around my kitchen island while dinner was cooking this evening. Granted, it wasn't for very long, but it beats sitting in a chair :) Thanks everyone for the challenges so far! Keep them coming. I'm off the next two days so I'm going to get an actual jar made up and will add your challenges as I get them.

CHALLENGE ME TODAY!!

National Coming Out Day

I have been busy this weekend getting an album together for an auction that will benefit the Straight Spouse Network. It is the 10th anniversary of our annual get together in Florida. I had hoped to go myself, but you know what my finances are like at the moment and if I had any money at all I’d be taking Tanner to visit my grandfather. That doesn’t look like it is going to happen anytime soon either :(

It is kind of ironic that the album I’m working on will benefit SSN and is the first real scrapbooking project I’ve worked on since disclosure (learning that my husband was gay). When I was packing up my stuff to move out on my own with Tanner, I knew I wouldn’t be pulling out my scrapbooking supplies anytime soon. At the time, I didn’t think I was ever going to be able to work on my own albums again. The thought of looking through all of our family photos and trying to scrap happier times (when I thought the biggest problem in our marriage was my weight) just crippled me with grief.

To be honest, going through some of the boxes has brought up some of those old feelings again…the feeling of loss, the realization that while I may eventually meet someone else and maybe even get married, I will never know what it is like to grow old with the person I started my adult life with. The good thing is, even though they brought a few tears, the feelings are mere echoes of what they once were. There is still grief, but there is acceptance as well. There is also gratitude that I have been able to forge a relationship with my husband (we are still technically married) that, in many ways, is better than what it was when we were living as man and wife. I suppose it’s because he is finally able to be 100% (or as close to 100% as anyone can ever really get) honest with me.

This year will mark our 15th anniversary; our anniversary is December 31st, but of course we really don’t celebrate it anymore. I think if we were ever asked, we would probably say we were “married” for 13 years instead of whatever it will be when we finally make it legal.

Erik has commented several times that he is concerned that his living here is holding me back. I really don’t know if it is or not. There is a certain level of comfort that comes with having a companion here with me if nothing else. I thought about it the other day…If I didn’t have him here, would I be trying harder to get myself back into shape for the eventuality that I might put myself back “out there?” I mean, I’m definitely a lot more comfortable being my own company than I was when I was in my 20’s, but I wonder if I would be as satisfied if I had to spend every evening on my own. I really can’t answer that question.

At the moment, I have absolutely no desire to date; I don’t even miss sex. I am guessing that this may be partly because of the meds I’m on and partly because I don’t feel the least bit sexy. As I’ve said before, I really don’t want to get involved with anyone else until Tanner is at least 18. Both Erik and I have more than enough on our plate to be worrying about trying to cultivate and nurture a new relationship.

Anyway, back to the album I’m working on. The auction is going to be held one of the first nights of the get together and it is going to be fellow str8s bidding on the items. I decided to make an album that someone could use to hold pictures from the actual gathering and will title it “Familee.” We use the word “Familee” to describe those of us who have found our way to the SSN. Upon disclosure, many of us feel incredibly isolated and alone. Many times our spouses are still in the closet which means we have a hard time reaching out to our “real” family. We are essentially forced to walk into our spouse’s closet, and close the door behind us. When we emerge, we have to don the same mask our spouse has worn their entire life. We have to smile and act as if there is nothing wrong even as we feel what was once a stable foundation crumbling beneath our feet. When we find SSN, we are embraced by others who have walked our path, shared our journey, felt our pain and it truly is like coming home. I have met some of the most wonderful people through the Straight Spouse Network. Many of them, including Amity Buxton herself (the author of the book “The Other Side of the Closet” and founder of the SSN) called me personally to talk me through the darkest hours. Others reached out in other ways supporting me in ways my family and friends couldn’t. I honestly don’t think I would have come through it all as well as I have without them or SSN.

At the moment, SSN is struggling financially. I know many of you probably have your own charities you support and if you are anything like me, you are struggling to donate at all this year, but I wanted to note a few ways you could painlessly support the SSN and encourage the wonderful work they do every single day for people like myself. You can help support SSN by using Goodsearch and designating them as your charity. If you purchase from Amazon, visit their website, page all the way down to the bottom and click through to Amazon. Any order you place through their link will contribute money to their fundraising efforts. You can also use igive in much the same way. If you have an older vehicle that isn’t going to bring much at trade in, consider donating it (link also on the SSN website) and request that the proceeds go to SSN.

Today is National Coming Out day. If you are in the closet please consider coming out to your friends and family. You owe it to yourself and to those that love or will love you in the future to be honest; with them and with yourself. If you know someone in the closet, be the support they need as they take those first frightening steps out of the darkness.

Thanks for reading xx

Want to leave a comment? Click on the word "comment" below.