Weigh in. I am no longer stalled!

I had Erik snap a picture of me yesterday and thought I'd share it. Not a huge change since my last round of pictures, but I'm slowly getting happier about what I see staring back at me!

When I stepped on the scale this morning I was at 338!! I'm really loving THAT! I honestly don't think I've been this weight since 2000? Just amazing! Hopefully the coffee calamity I discovered last week was the problem and now that I've adjusted things, I'll keep losing at a regular pace. I'm a bit behind my goal due to the three week stall. I was supposed to be closer to 319 by about this time, but I'm just happy to be losing again!

I'm looking forward to the TV interview this Thursday. If there is an online version I can share with you (and I haven't said anything to embarrass myself, I'll share it with you!). Still need to decide what to wear.

Before I know it, Monday will be here and Tanner and I will be off to Indiana to see our family! I can't wait :) Hopefully we won't annoy them too much. The only downside to visiting family is I've begun to fantasize and crave all my childhood favorites. My grandfather makes these amazing homemade noodles that we usually spoon over mashed potatoes...yes, that is nothing but carbs, carbs and more carbs. Seriously, they are delicious. I may have to allow myself some at some point. I'll just have to make a small batch because they are definitely a trigger for a binge.

I'm not going to sweat what I eat while I'm up there too much. I didn't want my aunt stressing about making me low carb options when I can only take about 5 bites at any meal. As long as I'm not grazing all day, I don't think I can do too much damage. I'll try to make as many good choices as I can and indulge a bit on Thanksgiving.

How are you guys planning on getting through Thanksgiving without wrecking your diet?

Weigh in and New Pics!

I haven't been feeling great the last 4-5 days. I am betting it is just the ongoing dance I do with staying hydrated, I don't know. Lately, drinking seems to make me sick to my stomach. The one thing I've changed is I've been drinking more crystal light so maybe that is what is doing it. Before, I was doing pretty good on weak tea with lemon and a bit of splenda, so I'm going to go back to that and see how I feel.

The problem this has created is that I just don't feel good. Yesterday and today I got up, did my hair and makeup, got dressed with the intention of doing all kinds of errands, etc. Yesterday I ended up going to get my blood drawn (which may also shed some light on why I'm not feeling so great)and was going to get something to eat with Erik and head to goodwill to see about getting some new clothes (I can't see spending lots of money on NEW clothes I'm going to grow out of in a few months). After fasting for my bloodwork, I was pretty hungry when we got home around 10:30am with some breakfast. I had a few bites of scrambled egg, a few bites of refried beans, a few sips of coffee and I was done. About 10 minutes later I was really lethargic and kind of sick to my stomach so I went and laid down thinking I'd read for a bit and then try to head to goodwill when I felt better. I ended up taking a 2 hr nap and never really felt great for the rest of the day. Forget about walking...by the time Tanner got home, I was exhausted again and just not up to much of anything.

Today was pretty much the same although I didn't get out of the house at all today. Oh well, I did get ready and had Erik snap a few pics and take my measurements for posterity. Funny thing is...I think I look fatter in today's pics than I did in the last set. Maybe it is the new shorter haircut (which I'm still trying to perfect styling) or maybe it is the crazy smile I'm sporting (the dogs were cracking us up....every time Erik got ready to take a picture, they'd run over by me and he'd take the pic and then they'd run back to Erik as if they wanted to see how it turned out. As soon as he raised the camera up, they'd run back to get in the pic lol.) Anyway, here are my stats:

Weight loss since top weight: 116
Weight loss since Surgery: 68
Inches lost in the last month: 16.75
Total Inches Lost since 3/16/09: 37.50

Today's Pictures! you can click through to see a picture photo.

OMG I can't get the full body shots to show properly...they are either too big or too small. You should be able to click through and see them at photobucket though.

So there you have it! I'm still not seeing a HUGE change in my body. I know it is happening because I'm in smaller clothes and the measurements don't lie, but I'm just not seeing it. I'm feeling it though so I guess that is what counts. If I could just get rid of the nausea, I'd be a happy camper. I'll keep you guys updated on the blood work situation.

Also, I've been adding some recipes to my recipe blog lately so stop on by and tell me what you think. I'm only adding stuff that we really loved!

Enjoying the Fall Weather and a Weigh In

Tanner and I just got back from our second outdoor walk of the week. The Fall weather here in Texas has been beautiful this week and it is so nice to get out, get some fresh air and spend some time doing something with Tanner that didn’t involve the TV (what we usually did around this time of night). Our first walk in a while was this past Tuesday. Tanner was walking behind me and out of nowhere said “Wow mom! You are doing good!” I think he was noticing the fact that I was walking with a normal gait, no limps or labored steps…I was walking confidently and with a strength he hasn’t seen me sport in a long time. I could feel it myself.

The last time I attempted the same walk, I made it to a certain point with Erik and had to turn around because I knew I probably only had enough steam to get myself home. When I made it to that point I realized that I felt GREAT! I was feeling some fatigue in my legs, but it was normal fatigue really so we kept it up. By the time we got to the end of our street (something I had NEVER accomplished…the total walk round trip was just over half a mile) we were both pretty proud of ourselves. We turned around and talked about how we were going to have to text daddy and let him know as soon as we got home! We were so excited! By the time I got home, I definitely felt like I had gotten some exercise, but I felt awesome. I think the problems I had walking home from the doctor the other day had more to do with dehydration than my actual capabilities. I’m setting a goal of going for a walk with Tanner at least three times a week, but hope to do more.

I forgot to weigh in Tuesday by the way. I was at 355, but today I am at 357.8. I think it is just my body adjusting to the lack of the diuretic and me getting myself rehydrated. It sucks to see the scale move up even when I know it is just water, but I know it can’t be fat. I’m continuing to track my food intake and I’ve been doing just fine…calories staying under 800 per day, carbs under 30. I’m not worrying so much about fat lately. When I did atkins I never did and I lost like crazy on that. My doctor had cautioned me to keep both carbs and fat low, but honestly, I’ve noticed improved weight loss just monitoring calories and carbs so unless I see evidence otherwise, I’m going to continue.

OH! I completely forgot to tell you about last Saturday! I had another NSV. I went grocery shopping and bought $200 worth of groceries by myself!!! I had to sit down three times, but I think that was due more to the dehydration I was experiencing than true fatigue. Of course, at the time I thought I was just overestimating myself. Now that I’ve managed two semi-challenging walks without the same sort of fatigue, I’m convinced I am just weeks away from being able to do darn near anything I want to do WITHOUT needing a rest break. Quite a change from the days when I had to take a folding chair with me because I couldn’t stand for longer than 2 minutes.

Three month surgiversary! Woot!

I know it has been WAY too long for an update and I apologize. I think about stuff I want to blog about daily, but I’ve just been so busy with work when I finally get a few minutes to just chill, I just want to get away from the computer for a while. I’ve also had some fatigue lately that I think had a little bit to do with the two weeks of crappy rainy weather we had and my body preparing for yet another lovely cycle. I’ll spare you the details this time around, but it is slightly improved. I’m still thinking I may have to call my doctor for more provera just to put an end to it. Frustrating!

I also think some of my fatigue is due to getting back on my blood pressure meds. One day, I forgot to take it until later in the day and I was fine…until I took it and then a few hours later, I started feeling tired again and just overall muscle fatigue. However, I saw the doctor today and my blood pressure was something like 124/84 so I apparently need to be on it for now. I’ve just decided that I’m going to have to get my exercise out of the way first thing in the morning when I’m feeling better.

So, today is actually my 3 month surgiversary and I officially weighed in at 358. I’m down a total of 59 lbs since surgery, a total of 107 lbs since my top weight. I’m going to try to include some recent pictures below, but if you can’t see them, go to my photobucket album. The outfit I’m wearing is one I bought in a smaller size. I couldn’t even get it over my head when I bought it and now it is on the big side. In the profile I’m pulling it closer so that you can see better. I think I’m finally starting to see it :)

And Just to Refresh your Memory: Me Three Months Ago







Speaking of clothes being too big, Erik and I went through my closet and pulled out all the clothes I was wearing pre-surgery and boxed them up. I’m going to put them on craigslist and see if anyone else can use them. I’ve gone down about 2-3 sizes so far, so they had really gotten way too big. It was kind of scary getting rid of them. I know that is just the part of me deep down inside that keeps whispering (how long do you think you can keep this up?) It was because I still hear that voice whispering in my head occasionally that I decided to get rid of my bigger clothes. I don’t want to have those clothes to “fall back on” if that voice starts to get a bit louder so I made the decision to remove them from my closet and life and while it was scary, it was also all kinds of AWESOME! Can I just say that it is pretty awesome to be getting into new clothes? It’s like I get to go shopping in my closet every day…fun stuff!

What else? I did see my doctor today for my 3 month check up, but it was really not that big a deal. I was supposed to get some lab work done, but someone forgot to tell me so we didn’t have a lot to talk about. The doctor I saw was very happy with my weight loss and said that I was doing great. While I was going up to their office, I got on the elevator with another woman who I assumed was probably going to the same office. It was like looking at myself 3 months ago. I could have been imagining it or projecting a bit, but I could almost see the same sort of sad emptiness behind her eyes that I felt visiting their offices pre-surgery. I just wanted to throw my arms around her and give her a huge hug and tell her what an amazing journey she’s about to embark on. I settled for introducing myself and striking up a conversation with her instead. She had done about a year and a half of research and finally decided on this practice. I shared my experience with her and when I ran into her again on my way out, we exchanged phone numbers and emails. I hope I hear from her again.

Ok, almost time for me to work again and I want to spend a little time with Tanner before he heads off to bed. My goal for this month is to blog every single day. I know crazy right? We’ll see how I do…ride my disappearing arse if I go too long without an update!

Seein' Doctors and Losing Weight

Note: I was going to try to find a funny little cartoon about going to the gynecologist and made the mistake of image googling "gynecologist" without the porn filter on :P Now I'm a little sick to my stomach. Hope you don't mind the blog sans funny cartoon!

Ok so last week, I spent a lot of time in doctor’s offices. I scheduled an appointment with my gyno’s nurse practitioner and learned that she was also a fellow bariatric patient. She had the RNY, but was interested to hear about the sleeve. I wasn’t sure if she was going to be able to do a pap that day although the medication she prescribed had pretty much stopped the bleeding I was experiencing. I think after talking to me a bit and noticing that it had been five years since my last pap, she figured she better strike while the iron was hot so she sent me off with my superman cape and told me to get nekkid.

I love the things they talk to you about while they are inserting the speculum and basically probing around in your privates: “So what do you do for a living?” “Are you from San Antonio?” “Do you live nearby?” All of these questions you are obligated to answer as if you were merely standing in line at the grocery counter and not spread eagled with lots of equipment and appendages in your hoo-ha. I did my best to answer her questions and when she complimented me on my “nice long cervix” I thanked her and told her that I got compliments on it all the time (I didn’t really, it was one of those things I thought of later and wished I had said). I mean seriously? Later when I told Erik what she had said I made some stupid joke about it being something he could brag to his friends about: “Yeah my wife may weigh a few hundred pounds, but MAN if you could see her cervix you’d understand!”

She seemed to think everything was ok, but wanted me to go for an ultrasound and since I’m 40, she wanted me to get in for a mammogram (BTW blogging buddies, Breast Cancer Awareness Month is coming up in October so go get yourself squished!).

I’ve had the ultrasound (which was SO uncomfortable….they always are…I’ll spare you the details for once) and heard back from my gyno. Apparently my uterine lining (which can build up in people with PCOS and put them at risk for endometrial cancer) was pretty thin so she isn’t sure whether they will need to put in an IUD (the NP had suggested it as a way to keep the lining from building up and I was all for it because it meant NO PERIOD YAY). My doctor was concerned that if we did an IUD it might actually cause break through bleeding since the lining was so thin to begin with. Anyway, we are going to wait and see how the next cycle goes before taking any action.

I have my mammogram this Saturday so fingers crossed there. I’ve had mammograms before so I know what to expect…a perky little cheerleader who is going to have to act as if my mammoth breastages are just as lovely as hers! Oh well, they will be SOME DAY! By the end of this week, I should be fairly thoroughly checked out.

I almost forgot, remember the cyst from hell? Yeah it is still giving me problems so I went in to see a dermatologist this time around. She lanced it and injected some steroids so hopefully it will go away already!

Hmm, what other repulsive medical information can I share with the masses and ensure my single status for the rest of my life? I think that’s about it guys sorry…my well of disgusting factual tidbits has run dry.

On the weight loss front, I am down to 366!! Today I was actually 367, but I think that is because I came back off my blood pressure meds. OH! I forgot to tell you…when I went to the gyno, my blood pressure was up a bit 130/100 :S She advised that I go back on my BP meds which I did for several days, but I felt pretty crappy the days I took it. Very similar to when I had to be hospitalized, but not nearly as bad. I just had NO energy, really tired almost to the point that talking at the end of the day would wear me out. Lately, I’m used to feeling super energized so I stopped them yesterday and I’m going to try to find some time to get into my regular doc to have my BP taken to see if maybe that one time was just a flukey thing.

Because of the lack of energy, I haven’t been getting on the treadmill the last few days, but I HAVE been doing a whole lot more around the house. My mom would die to know how much I am enjoying housework now that I can actually do it again. I think Erik is enjoying it too lol. I’ve also been trying out a lot of new recipes. We had a low carb version of salmon patties last night (I used almond flour instead of breadcrumbs and flour) and they turned out alright. I think I’m going to have to add something (lemon pepper and maybe squeeze a little lemon juice on them afterwards). They were just ok. I also tried this baked cauliflower which turned out fairly horrible. I don’t recommend it :P

As far as weight loss goes, I have posted a projected weight I want to be at for each month and I’m darn close to where I want to be by next Thursday which will be my 3-month mark since surgery. The goal weight is 359. I might be able to do that, but I’m going to have to step up the exercise for sure. Even if I don’t make it, just being this close is pretty awesome. I have figured that if I continue to lose the way I have been, I could be under 300 by the end of the year. We’ll have to wait and see though.

You look same!

Sorry guys, got this almost written and meant to post yesterday, but got busy with school stuff. Incidentally, I think I've just decided that I won't be able to take any classes this semester. I won't be able to get my loan processed and approved in time to pay for classes and books. This means that I most likely won't get the classes done in time to apply to nursing school next November (for admission May of 2012.) The upside is that, by the time I can take my classes, Erik will probably have his Interpreting certification which means he will be making more money. He has said that because I put him through 3-4 years of school while we were married (he wasn't working at the time), he will make up the difference financially so that I can maybe work part time and focus more on school when it is my turn.

I also got to thinking about how rushing to get these courses in before November was probably going to stress me out. I needed to take two courses in the Fall, Spring, and Summer(meaty courses) and I know that if I got overwhelmed, my workout would be the first thing to go. I took it as a sign that, as excited as I am about getting back in school, I need to stay focused on getting healthier. Not to mention that, by the time I actually am able to get into nursing school, I'm going to be a thin, hot sexy version of myself who will be able to run circles around all those 20-something students I'll be attending with ;)

Ok, now for yesterday's post:

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This week’s weight loss is a whopping 7 lbs people!! The biggest change is that I have been much more active so I’m definitely going to be keeping that up. Can you believe it? I am now down a total of 80 lbs!! I actually stepped on the scale last night (when I seem to weigh the least for some reason) and I was at 383, but this morning I was back at 385, but I am extremely happy with that number. Excited about the prospect of being in the 370’s next week or the week after! I would love to hit 375 by the end of the month, so we’ll see.

Since my last blog post, I’ve been busy working out and trying to see if I can get registered for some classes online. As far as working out, I am now up to 15 minutes at a time on the treadmill and doing at least 25-30 minutes a day PLUS going to a water aerobics class 2-3 times a week PLUS just going to the pool and walking the pool. I feel AMAZING! I have so much more energy and actually look forward to working out. Even Tanner has jumped on the bandwagon. This summer, he has lost about 15 lbs and he is starting to hop on the treadmill himself without any prodding from me! I can’t wait to get our bikes so that we can start going for bike rides this fall.

Today as a reward for hitting 80 lbs lost, I went and got a pedicure. I was so excited because my toes looked hideous! I couldn’t wait to get them all buffed and filed and polished..not to mention the leg massage! Tanner came along so that he could get his hair cut next door. He wasn’t happy about it either, he wants to grow it out, but he has his daddy’s hair and it doesn’t really get long…it just gets bushy. I was past tired of looking at it so I insisted that he come with me and get it done. He tried to argue about it, but I told him if he said one more word about getting his hair cut I’d tell them to shave his head. Instantly he said, “I was just teasing mom, I wasn’t really mad!” Heh, yeah, that’s what I THOUGHT! ;)

I head back to the nail place with a smile on my face, already feeling the bubbly water caressing my feet, the massage chair working out all the sore muscles from all the working out I’ve been doing. I walk in and they escort me to the chair. I mention to the man doing my pedi that I haven’t been in for a while because I had surgery so my feet looked horrible. He smiles and asks me what surgery I had. I tell him a little bit about the VSG and he says “Oh, so you will be losing a lot of weight yes?” (he’s Vietnamese). I tell him I hope so and indicate that I had already lost 32 lbs with a huge smile on my face. He cocks his head and looks at me quizzically as he says “You look same!” Gotta love their ability to say whatever the heck is on their mind (you may remember this post…I don’t have good luck at nail salons obviously.) I thought it was funny though because I really don’t think he was trying to be mean; I think it is just a cultural thing. He later mentioned that I had good feet for a fat person (because they aren’t super thick on the bottom lol), so that has to count for something right ;). He was also very sweet to Tanner who was talking his ear off about all things asian (anime, manga, china, japan, where Vietnam was, what he eats, etc so I guess we weren’t all the politically correct either).

Erik and I always joked that we could never take Tanner to Japan or China when he was younger (Tanner’s pick whenever we talked about where we would like to travel) because he’d be trying to karate chop everyone or asking them if they “speak Chinese food” (he actually asked an asian person this once…thankfully they had no clue what he said). If he wasn’t doing those two things, we were certain he’d be asking everyone if they knew Jackie Chan. Asia was definitely off limits years ago and I’m not too sure it is still off limits for our family :)

6 week Surgiversary!

So I’m 6 weeks from my surgery date. When I weighed myself this morning I was at 392. That is an even 25 lbs since surgery (a little over 4 lbs a week) and 73 lbs from my highest weight! Sometimes I still can’t believe I am ACTUALLY on the other side of 400 lbs!!! It’s amazing!

Tanner and I went to the pool this afternoon. I walked for about an hour in the pool and then did a water aerobics class for an hour. When I got home, I was at 387! Of course, I think I’m slightly dehydrated as I have a bit of a headache so I’m guzzling water as fast as I can sip so I’ll probably be closer to 392 tomorrow, but it was sure nice to see the scale registering in the 380’s!!

I usually have Erik take my picture each week on Tuesday, but I decided that I will probably just do it monthly instead. It is hard to see much change from week to week.

I sent my transcripts in to the nursing school I’m considering (one of them) to see if they can tell me exactly what pre-requisites I need to take and whether they will let me take online classes for the ones I know I need (chem. 1 and 2, microbiology, nutrition). I’m kind of excited about getting back in to school honestly although chemistry scares the crap out of me! I love science, but I just am not into chemistry at all :( I’m sure I can handle it though. Now I just need to figure out how I’m going to pay for the classes. I’m not in a huge hurry though so if I can’t get registered this semester, I will try for next semester.

I also renewed my membership at the YMCA today. I have a membership at the bariatric gym as well, but they don’t really have any classes or anything and I’m hoping to eventually start taking some of the bootcamp style classes at the YMCA. I will most likely keep my membership at the smaller gym because I can use the pool during the winter months and I just like the attention I can get at the smaller gym.

Overall, I’ve increased my activity and have managed to walk or swim every day for the last week. I’m walking on the treadmill and outside. I try to switch it up because I know walking outside seems to stress my core and upper body more; most likely because I’m not supporting my upper body the way I do on the treadmill.

Oops! One last thing. I have cut out the protein bars I was eating (about one or two a day) because they were often easier to grab than running to the kitchen while I was working to make up a quick meal. I’ll have to wait and see if it impacts my weight loss at all. It has been a bit slower than I thought it might be and maybe the sugar alcohols in the bars are impacting my weight loss. I know when I did low carb before, I had to stay away from most bars, etc because of that. We’ll see ;)

Saturday Weigh In: 432 on the nose!!

Yep...actually lost 12 lbs since this time last week :) Pretty awesome hmm? I have to say that I'm kinda feeling it in my body...just not as difficult to get going once I get on my feet. It is very subtle, but its there.

Probably the biggest change is in my energy level. I knew eating better would probably impact that a little bit, but it has really had a much bigger than expected impact. On my days off, I could literally spend all day sleeping and still not wake up rested (I'm sure this has a lot to do with the apnea and the fact that I'm not currently using my cpap...I need a new mask). I was also extremely exhausted by the end of the day on my work days; so much so that I had started taking a nap between my two jobs which meant I wasn't available to tanner much (he would come in and watch TV in my bedroom while I got a bit of rest (this wasn't every day).

Yesterday I went and got my nails done and a pedicure. Even doing something like that takes a lot out of me at the moment, but I noticed that I bounced back much quicker. Amazing how quickly you start seeing results.

Yesterday I "splurged" a bit at dinner time. Erik got pizza, but he got me a thin crust veggie pizza. I had one slice of that and one slice of the regular pizza they had. It wasn't a horrible splurge. I was consciously making choices about what I ate and what level I would stop at. For lunch, Shannon (the friend that went to the salon with me) and I stopped at jack in the box and I got the chicken teryaki bowl which..Yikes just pulled it up on their nutritional menu... is 693 calories and 6g fat. Higher in calories than I thought, but I hadn't had breakfast so it isn't that bad really.

Erik has kind of been driving me nuts. I don't know if I'm just more aware of it when I'm dieting or if he subconsciously (or consciously) amps up the verbalization of his own cravings or what; I'm probably just more aware of it lol. He knows I've stuck to my diet and have been working hard to continue to do so, but the other morning he mentioned he was going to whataburger and asked if I wanted anything. I told him no, and then last night he starts talking about having this pancake craving..he got me going lol. We were looking up Ihop and talking about getting take out from there this morning. We pulled up the website and worked ourselves up into quite the pancake frenzy. Luckily, we slept on it and decided we'd just get pancakes from whataburger. I was looked them up and they are only 408 calories with 4 grams of fat for three large pancakes...not bad. I didn't butter them and only used one syrup (120 calories 0 fat) so all in all, that "splurge" was only 528 calories and 4 grams of fat!! That's better than most lean cuisines lol :)

I really have to thank Chris for helping me simplify my thought process when it comes to dieting. Instead of focusing so much on good vs. bad foods, I'm focusing on a caloric intake (my cap is about 1800 per day, but I'm usually well below that). Since I've been doing that, I find that I don't feel as deprived. I'm not obsessing so much about food. It really is helping so thanks friend :)

Another Quickie, sorry guys

Yes, I'm a True Blood Fan. I was too lazy to write a "real" post today, so you know I was too lazy to find a "real" pic, but something tells me most of you won't mind. I mean, come on... Alexander Skarsgard is lovely isn't he? *sigh* Maybe he'll join me in my happy place...a girl can dream.

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It has been a long...........ass..............day in our household. In the past 24 hours, my car was repossessed and Tanner was sent home from school for another meltdown (luckily nobody was hurt in the process, but he almost destroyed a computer). He will be home and restricted from everything for the next several days.Want to leave a comment? Click on the word "comment" below.

I planned on boring you all with the details, but ended up taking a nap and then had to work some more this evening. Despite all the stress I have still managed to stick to the diet although I was so close to having erik get donuts this morning. Yay me for resisting!

I don't know if you've been checking on my daily weigh in's but I had been going up the last few days. Not sure why, probably just the body adjusting to the loss, etc. Today I weighed in around 436.8 so headed back down. I'm wondering if I can get into the 420's by the end of the month....what do you think? That would be pretty awesome if I can swing it. Maybe I'll try to get my office sorted out and get back on the treadmill. That will probably help me work through some of this stress; especially since my xanax rx is almost done!

Alright people, see ya tomorrow! Keep on keepin' on xx

Doggie Diarrhea: The gift that keeps on giving (and other delightful moments in the last 24 hrs)

The crapfest that was yet another 24 hours in the live of the V household started late last night. Getting ready for bed, I remembered that I had to sort out my vpn access for work to ensure that I could login for work the next morning. They are implementing this super secret 007 security something or other that scans our computer every time we try to login. It looks for viruses and ensures that our computer has all the most up to date security updates as well as all kinds of anti-virus software. If one teeny tiny thing is out of place, you are DENIED and then have to spend hours of unpaid time (unless they decide the problem is on their end) trying to figure out why your computer is being shut out. Sometimes there are legitimate reasons for the denial, but 9 times out of every 10, you are DENIED for God knows what freaking reason. This is the boring part of my post so lets suffice it to say that I couldn’t get in last night OR this morning and wasted about half an hour trying to figure out why. Ultimately I logged in through another VPN and started to work.

Tanner woke up shortly thereafter and unbeknownst to Erik, started playing a video game. We had decided that this was a definite no-no and Tanner knew it as well because he left the sound off…sneaky kid. Erik wakes up late and notices what he’s doing and tells him to turn off the video game. Of course he’s like 9 levels in and needs to get to the next level or he loses his progress. Do we care; not in the slightest. He orders him to shut the game down, trying for a gentle approach to begin with (we’ll discuss repercussions for playing the video game when he was told it was off limits in the morning later…after he gets home from school). To say Tanner wasn’t happy about turning off the video game would be a gross understatement. Things devolved into a full out throw down with yelling and screaming, hitting walls, pummeling his head with his fists…good times. GREAT way to start the morning when you’ve about three hours sleep.

Why three hours sleep? Oh, I forgot to mention that Thunder also had another poo party in the kitchen right after midnight. Once again, I smelled the lovely aroma wafting up the stairs and came out to find Erik cleaning it up at 1:30AM. There wasn’t much I could do to help him and when he’s pissed off, it’s best just to stay out of his way, but the tremendous guilt I felt about heading back to bed kept me awake until at least 3:00AM.

We finally managed to get Tanner in the shower, dressed and calmed down enough to take him to school. By the time they left, he had lost video game privileges through Monday, but we explained that he could try and earn them back if he changed his attitude and had a good day at school. Sometimes our optimism knows no bounds.

Erik goes to leave to take Tanner to school and comes upstairs asking me where the keys to my car are. I have no clue and I’m working so I’m not much help. He eventually locates the keys…in the ignition of my car… which is now completely dead. He takes the time to send me AN EMAIL IN ALL CAPS TELLING ME THAT I KILLED THE CAR and sets off for Tanner’s school in his car. You can imagine my joy at receiving the email and the subtle emphasis his capitalization afforded. I send off a quick reply reminding him that the life he’s currently living? Yeah! I get to live it right along with him so if he’s having a crappy morning, chances are I AM TOO! Cut me some slack since the day before I was trying to make it in the house, in the pouring rain with Tanner who acts like he melts in any sort of precipitation; forgive me if I had a brain fart with the keys.

I bet you think the awesomeness stops there don’t you? Well I can assure you it doesn’t! Erik gets home and sees a phone call from the school. Picking up the phone, he finds the Asst. Principal on the line with good news! We ARE going to have a hearing about the incident last week and it’s on Friday!! Yay, we have two days to touch base with our lawyers to see if they feel like providing their services free of charge or in exchange for some really awesome cupcakes as we currently are broke. Guess I know what I’ll be using my bankruptcy money for this time.

After hanging up with the lawyers, I put in an emergency phone call to my doctor explaining that I need some Xanax STAT! I give them a one minute update on what we were coping with TODAY and tell them that if I don’t get something to help me calm down, I’m fairly certain my head will explode. They take pity on me and say they’ll call it in as soon as they can. I hang up the phone and turn to Erik and say “Guess I chose the wrong time to titrate down on the old anti-depressants hmm?” He looks back and yells, “THAT’S WHAT IT IS! YOU ARE COMPLETELY F’ING WITH THE UNIVERSE TRYING TO REDUCE YOUR MEDS AND GOING ON A DIET AT THE SAME TIME! IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT!” I calmly remind him that I am also on my period which makes it the ultimate universe f’ing trifecta.

I wound up developing a migraine and slept until about 4:00P, more goodness during a conversation with the VP at the school which resulted in me informing him that Tanner would NOT be returning to school until said hearing and ARD. Tanner gets home from school, erik heads off to the store for some low carb beer and xanax so we can survive the evening. While he’s gone, Thunder takes a huge dump on the berber carpeting next to my bed…Good times. For those of you wanting more rainbows and hearts in my post…I’m pretty sure that’s how rainbows get borned…a nice hearty doggie dump bedside.

Through all this, I’m sure you guys are wondering…did she stay on her diet? You will be happy to know that I did, I also stepped on the scale and saw that I’ve gone from 447.5 to 442.2 since Monday so not much further to go before we can move past my last official weigh in of 438. Taking it second by second at the moment and hoping for the best.

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Weigh in and I'm feeling good.

Just a quick post to share some good news and some bad news. The bad news is I was sick AGAIN over the weekend with some kind of tummy bug. The good news is I lost 5 lbs in one day which got me to an all time low of 438!!! Of course, It will probably come back on as soon as I rehydrate, but for now....a big YAY for weighing in dehydrated :) That is 27 lbs. so far and I'm finally starting to feel it. So much so that I may even try the treadmill again. I'll let you know how that goes.

I had honestly hoped to be under 400 lbs by my birthday which is this week...not going to happen, but so what. It was an extremely optimistic, but highly unrealistic goal to shoot for. I got halfway there so I'll take it. I'm very happy to be down 27 lbs and am going to do my best to keep the ball rolling in that direction.

I am finally truly feeling like I'm crawling out of the mini depression I had. Thanks to everyone who was so supportive and left comments. I may not have commented back, but please know that it really did help to know I wasn't alone. It also helped me get back on track once I started to feel more like myself.

For me, the depressive episodes are more annoying than anything else. I don't like being the whining, woe is me type, but sometimes it gets a bit overwhelming and I have my little pity party and then move on.

Hopefully this means I'll be posting more regularly as well. I have missed it, but didn't want to come here and just moan about the same old stuff everyday. I knew I'd get through it and figured I'd spare you guys.

I am going out to lunch with a friend of mine tomorrow so I'll try to get her to take a pic of my hair (finally). It's probably going to be totally anticlimatic though lol. I mean, it looks better, but with all the build up, don't expect Martina Mcbride ok?

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I guess Illness is good for something...Weigh In :)

This looks nothing like my weigh-in's and I have no clue who these guys are, but it cracked me up when I saw it. Boys are so silly aren't they? I mean seriously....get a room or something geesh.

Ok, Thanks to everyone for your well wishes while I've been sick. I'm still recovering, but think I'm finally on the mend after taking Zmax. For those of you who haven't tried it yet, all I can say is you will taste it for DAYS...blech. It's an entire bottle of antibiotics that you have to drink in one gulp. I had to bribe Tanner with Bill Millers (I know food...shame on mommy, but he HAD to drink it and he's taller than me now) a month ago when he had to take it. On my list of medicines that suck, it isn't at the top of the list, but it's right up there.

I went ahead and stepped on the scale expecting the worst honestly because even though I wasn't doing a lot of eating, what I was eating was not diet friendly. It was the comfort food/easy to swallow variety; think macaroni and cheese, mashed potatoes, ice cream. While I can't tell you how much I lost, I will tell you that it was my biggest lost since my first initial loss. I guess we'll have to see if the ice cream and other comfort foods catch up with me next week.

Today I'm firmly back on the wagon though. I had cheerios with a sprinkling of almonds and an orange for breakfast and I'm feeling more energetic today, but overall, my body still aches. I think its just from being in bed so much. I'm going to give myself one more day before jumping back into my workout routine.

I've also been thinking about calling up my old trainer. I think one of my goals is going to be getting back into his workouts. I loved that he didn't cut me any slack and really kicked my arse every single time I went to his gym. I loved leaving there and feeling like I had been hit by a mack truck. I guess because he made me do things I didn't think I could do at 400+ lbs. 200 pushup workouts, 20 minutes of step aerobics, 30 minutes of cardio kickboxing. I do need to build up my strength a bit though or he will seriously kill me. I probably need to get around to that stress test too. Regardless, that is one of my goals now; to get back to Denny some time this summer. Tanner and I had a lot of fun doing the kickboxing together and I felt stronger after three months with him than I had in a long time.

Ok, going to go rest a bit.

OH! I wanted to thank my Papa for sending me some money to make sure I continued going to the pool! Considering Tanner just trashed his hearing aid (not on purpose, but still...) the money is going to come in very handy so that I can continue going to the pool and send the aid in for repairs....did you guys know that health insurance won't pay for hearing aids or hearing aid repairs? It seriously sucks considering his hearing aid costs over $1000 and his cochlear implant processor is close to $8000. Later I'll have to tell you guys about the time he threw his hearing aid to the seals at Sea World (he was 2 and out of fish to feed them)...oh we can laugh about it now...then, not so much. I'm tellin' you guys, this kid gave us a run for our money.

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Workout yesterday and Yesterday's food log

Just in case any of you missed it. I did end up losing on my weigh in Monday. I won't say how much because of the competition, but It was in excess of that little gain I had over the weekend...whatever that was. I lost that, plus more :)

My eating and workouts have been a casulty of being sick earlier in the week. I didn't track on Monday and Tuesday, but trust me... I wasn't eating much. I also didn't workout on those days. I did manage to get to the pool yesterday and had a good workout. Sometimes I'm floundering around in the pool and I just feel like I'm not really doing anything. I guess because I'm not sweating or breathing extremely hard so I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere, but I know that any activity is good for me right now. It is all strength training too and I need that most.

Here is my workout in the pool so far. If any of you have any suggestions, let me know. I found a good water workout somewhere, I just need to find it again.

First 5 minutes I spend doing "steps" in the pool, basically stepping up and down off a fairly good sized step they have in the pool. I don't know if that is what it is there for, but that's what I use it for. Again, feels way too easy, but I have faith its doing *something* for me. I usually average about 30 steps for each leg. I may start doing some other combinations as I get more comfortable.

Once I'm warmed up, I grab the noodle and start paddling away. Lord the images that must be going through your minds right now. It's kind of like running in place underwater, but I don't let my feet touch the bottom of the pool (It's too hard on my joints). I actually started to cramp up a bit last night so maybe I better try to stretch a bit after the steps? I do this for about 20 minutes.

When I'm done doing my running in place/trying not to drown/holding onto the wet noodle for dear life phase of my routine, I move on to other strength training exercises. I do about 5 minutes training with dumbells on my arms and about 5 more doing leg lifts. Then the REAL workout starts.

I haul my dimple-ridden carc-ass out of the pool and head to the showers. Seriously, this last bit is the most difficult. Gravity is so unforgiving. By the time I walk out to my car, I'm completely and thoroughly exhausted. The kind of exhausted I feel when I have to give myself a few minutes to catch my breath before starting to drive. I HATE this part, I guess because it just reminds me of how limited I am right now. The good thing is, there is a deep satisfaction in knowing that despite the difficulty and humiliation of donning that sparkly black swimsuit, I did it!

I seriously did NOT want to go yesterday, but I talked my way out of the morning by saying I'd go in the afternoon and as I started to dream up excuses for why I couldn't go that afternoon, I just verbally slapped myself upside the head and reminded myself that reasoning like that is exactly how I got to 465 lbs to begin with. The deal I made with myself is that I can change my mind about WHEN I'm going to workout, but it HAS to be done that day. If it doesn't happen in the morning, then I WILL go in the afternoon, no other compromises.

With that said, I can't use the pool today and tomorrow and they aren't open on weekends. I was thinking that the pool being closed got me out of doing cardio until next week and then I remembered that I can use the hand bike there. Thank god most of the people there are seriously overweight as well because there is just NO way to use a handbike and look like anything other than a gigantic goofball. Haha! Maybe I'll have tanner take a picture so we can all have a good laugh. Oh shoot! I just remembered, Im getting that good rate just for using the pool...Oh well, maybe Tanner and I can dance around the living room or something....even goofier images of that come to mind. I WON'T be recording that for posterity, sorry guys.

Here's what I ate Yesterday

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Weigh in, confession, and clarification about Lung Cancer

First I want to chime in and let you guys know that today I weighed in at 448.4, so that was a loss of 1.6 lbs. At my size it really should have been more, but I'm used to losing weight slowly. I'm going to be adding in more activity and fiddling around with my meal plan to see what might get my metabolism going a bit faster. We'll sort it out eventually.

I do have a confession. I took Tanner out to eat at an Italian place right up the street from us and ordered their smoked chicken lasagna with spinach. I have no idea how many calories were in it, but I'm wagering it wasn't diet friendly. The good news is I only ate half of the lunch portion and brought the rest home for my ex to eat ;) This wasn't a spur of the moment decision. It wasn't a "binge." It was a very calculated and planned "cheat." I'm looking at a total of 300 lbs I have to lose and I think if I start out expecting that I will NEVER indulge in moderation (like any normal person who doesn't have a weight problem), I will just be setting myself up for failure. I knew going to lunch that I would allow myself to choose anything off the menu that I wanted, but I told myself I would only eat half. I ordered the smaller lunch portion, ate half and had the waiter box up the rest. The result? I came home without any of the typical guilt I feel when I have a spur of the moment cheat or worse, binge. You know, the sort of guilt that typically makes you beat yourself up, then binge again, only to beat yourself up some more and so on, and so on. I ate it. I'm over it. I'll be back on plan for the rest of the week. It's kind of an experiment I'm trying, we'll see if it helps me stay on plan over the long haul.

Now on to answering some of the comments from my post late last night. First I want to thank those of you that were touched by it. It started out being about RFL and before I knew it... All of this stuff was coming out about my mom and what I went through when she was sick. It was a very real and very heartfelt admission about a very difficult time in my life. It was cathartic in a way and I think, for the first time, I really came to terms with something that had been bothering me for the last 7 years.

Val commented and pointed out that she had also lost her mother to lung cancer, but chose not to focus on the fact that she had smoked because of the stigma so many lung cancer patients have to deal with when diagnosed. I completely understand where she's coming from. I not only came face to face with this when my mother was diagnosed in the form of doctors who treated her like a pariah; in fact, the doctor that gave her the diagnosis treated her horribly. I wasn't there, but she recorded it for me and immediately after telling her that she had lung cancer, my mother asked for information to help her quit smoking. The doctor, in a voice void of any kind of compassion, said "It's a bit late for that, but I can write you a prescription for wellbutrin if you want." He continued to talk down to her and treat her like a second class citizen for the remainder of her visit. We had other problems along the way. Some doctors treated her with the compassion they might have for any cancer patient, but every once in a while, regardless of the fact that my mother no longer smoked, we would run into some jerk who would feel the need to rub a very sick woman's nose in the fact that her smoking may have had something to do with her cancer. God, for a while, I suppose I was doing the very same thing as I struggled with my own anger over her diagnosis.

As I've said and as Val also pointed out, we ALL make lifestyle choices that could impact our health negatively. I read an article just yesterday that said that people who have had a lifetime struggle with obesity and have spent most of their life obese have a life expectancy equivalent to those who have smoked two packs of cigarettes a day. The difference is...when people who have made other lifestyle choices, whether its eating themselves into obesity, drinking, worshiping the sun, or a million other things we know is bad for us; when these people get a breast cancer, pancreatic cancer, melanoma or any of the hundreds of other cancer diagnoses caused by lifestyle, they are often met with the compassionate concern we are familiar with when someone receives a life-threatening diagnosis. People reach out to them. An overweight woman diagnosed with breast cancer isn't likely to have people asking her if she ate at McDonalds regularly; insinuating that her diet gave her breast cancer. An ex-alcoholic won't tell someone about his past battle with the bottle as an apology for his disease. If a lung cancer patient tells someone they have lung cancer, I can tell you that 9 times out of 10, the next question out of somebody's mouth is "Oh no, did you smoke?" With that question, depending on the patient's answer, people decide whether the patient is worthy of true concern or compassion. I think you know what happens if the patient answers in the affirmative.

Aside from the way this stigma affects how patients are treated by doctors, other professionals, and the general public, the stigma of lung cancer has a very real and deadly impact on research. According to the Lung Cancer Alliance's Report Card on Lung Cancer (please take a look at this to see just how bad the disparity is between lung cancer and other cancers), despite being the number one cancer killer, it remains one of the most underfunded, under-researched cancers and is largely ignored by the powers that be in Washington. Many people aren't even aware that more people will die this year from lung cancer than from breast, prostate, colon, leukemia, ovarian, and cervical cancers COMBINED. This, despite the fact that 50% of people diagnosed with lung cancer have never smoked or are former smokers. It's unfair and it's just flat out WRONG. Nobody deserves cancer...period.

So, to Val, I apologize and thank you for pointing out the impact this stigma had on our own mother's diagnosis, treatment and mortality. I knew all about this well before your comments, but last night, I was just caught up in relaying a particular experience and working through my own feelings "in the moment." Unfortunately, I probably crafted a post that somewhat perpetuates this very stigma. I hope this post makes up for it to some degree.

Thanks to anyone who actually made it to the end of this post :)