Future of my blog

I had some pretty awful dreams last night. Yet another bad side effect of stuffing yourself with Mexican food I suspect. This one had to do with Erik. Another dream about tgt..this time his mother walked in on him…it was horrible. I have reason to believe that she suspects something is up honestly. She lived with us for several years and I will never forget the day she came out and asked “Why don’t I ever see you and Erik hold hands or kiss each other goodbye?” I remember being so MAD at her for shining a spotlight on our dysfunction. I could still remember days when we used to embrace each other and laugh as toddler Tanner tried to wedge his way in between our bodies because he wanted in on the hug too. I missed those days, but was trying to cope as best I could with what I knew at that point. When I think about it, I think I was most mad at her for noticing at all. It was almost as if she had just ripped off the cheap little bandaid we had used to cover the wound caused by his revelation, exposing it in all its gory glory yet not able to SEE it. It hurt twice as much because I had to act as if there wasn’t a wound there at all and get on with my day as if I didn’t have this gaping hole in my heart.

I’ve been pondering this blog a lot lately. I realize this isn’t really a blog about helping other people. It’s whole premise is rather self indulgent. Sure, some people might be inspired or helped by some of what I write, but sometimes I worry that it sometimes crosses the line into Springeresque territory. I don't want this blog to be a freak show. Why DO I need to write about such deep, personal problems in such a public forum? I don’t know that I can answer that question really. Maybe it’s from living in my husband’s closet for the past 9 years? Someone on my str8’s list likened living in this sort of marriage to a pregnant woman whose child has died in her womb yet been told she has to carry it to term. It is a morbid analogy for sure, but it really does capture what this can be like for those of us trapped in this kind of marriage.

Part of me thinks I do this out of anger at being made to live in this closet. I’m sure there is some truth in this. I’ve told Erik before “My blog is my blog…I write about what I want to write about…this is the one place you will not censor me.” And up to now he’s been understanding of that. Recently, he did ask me not to blog about something that, in all honesty, I probably WOULD have blogged about. I would have blogged about it because it was an example of how this secret affected our son for the first time. Tanner was clueless so it really wasn’t harmful to him, but Erik’s inability to really cope with this secret kept Tanner from something I think he would have enjoyed and it pissed me off to see Tanner impacted by it, even though he was ignorant. It reminded me of many times in my life where my life was impacted by his secret while I remained ignorant to the cause.

So all of this has been rattling around in my head because I worry about some other family member stumbling across the posts where I talk about our marriage. Apparently his mom has recently gotten online and while I seriously doubt she would ever be saavy enough to find this blog, I worry. So do I censor myself? Go back and delete any reference to tgt and refrain from blogging about this aspect of my life? Part of me says yes. I would hate for someone that knows us to stumble across some of these posts and learn about our secret this way. The last thing I want to do is hurt anyone in his family (most of my family knows).

So, I’m struggling with what to do. Do I scrap the blog? Go back and selectively edit all references to tgt out of the blog? Make it invitation only? I honestly don’t know.

I feel icky

Obviously, our picture today is brought to you in my pledge to post eye candy when I can't think of a clever picture to represent today's post. Our eye candy today is a Mr. Robson Green. I've recently started watching a BBC series he stars in called "Wire in the Blood." If you like mysteries, you'll probably love these stories. I don't necessarily LOVE mystery shows, but I'm hooked on these. He plays the lead character, a criminal psychologist who helps the local PD profile and track serial killers. Anyway...not your traditional eye candy pic I know, but he is my current crush for the day so I thought I'd share :)
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After yesterday's post. I had such a good start on positivity didn't I? Perhaps I should have sent that post to my SSN support list and posted a different kind of post here. I know most of you can't relate to tgt, but it is all kind of mixed up in why I'm where I'm at right now and every once in a while, it bleeds over into this part of my life. Please know that I do care about Erik. As I've said before, he's decent guy who made several bad decisions for all the right reasons and we are BOTH trying to see where we are at after the fall out. Fortunately for us, we are managing much better than most people in our situation.

Ok, enough about that. Today and tomorrow are my days off my main job. I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to stay motivated Today and get some stuff done around the house. Lately, I've been sleeping all day, but that was during the worst of my holiday depression. I am feeling better today, but still not all that motivated to be very productive. I have some work I have to get done on some scrapbooking projects. I have two mini albums that have been commissioned, a clipboard, and a cookie sheet calendar. Did I ever give you guys the link to my etsy shop? If you want to see some of the stuff I have there go to http://www.etsy.com/shop/Scraparella . Some of the other stuff I have to work on is just getting some sample layouts uploaded to my website, upload some premade album templates for etsy,etc. Enough to keep me more than busy over the next few days. I also want to finish up my challenge jar :)

Thanks to everyone again for the challenges! I am going to be taking Mzchef's challenge to drink 8 glasses of water today. I have been living on ginger ale and coke lately (yes reg coke...diet makes me ill so if I go off soda....not because of the taste, it must be something in the sweetener or something.. it's mostly cold turkey) so I think this is a good challenge for me.

Uggh, I can hear the wind blowing outside, its dark...we are expecting some pretty severe weather for texas. Definitely the sort of weather that makes you want to crawl back in bed. I think the REAL challenge is going to be not sleeping all day lol. Wish me luck!

As usual,comment below or leave me a challenge to add to my Challenge Jar :)

What does Elvis have to do with anything?

Ok, so at least one person was fairly upset at my assertion yesterday that Elvis may have been gay. Another held up comments by other actresses who claimed he was a great lover, etc. I still say there is plenty of room to question his sexuality. I probably could have said the same thing about Erik until I discovered graphic examples of what he truly preferred sexually. I'm not going to debate the Elvis thing because it's really only my speculation.

One thing that I've been struggling with lately, and it actually is quite common in straight spouses, is almost a type of homophobia. You can ask anyone that knows me...I was probably the least homophobic person in their circle. As a matter of fact, in college, I wrote a speech arguing for Gay Marriage (back in the early 90's) and afterwards, I had some hard core texan good ol' boys come up to me to say that although they didn't agree with gay marriage, my speech had really gotten them thinking. What is ironic is I remember practicing my speech for Erik of all people. It is times like that I have to think "WHAT was going through his head at that time?" What was he thinking as he heard me give this speech knowing that he had this SSA? At this time, we were both about 22. God, I can't help wondering "what if he had just broken down and told me then?" How different our lives would have been.

So, back to being homophobic. I know it is irrational, but I guess some of my anger at this whole situation gets unfairly transferred to the entire gay population. Gay people I know, I'm alright with. It is the gay person I don't know...some friend in Erik's new circle of friends...some stranger I happen to interact with on the rare occasions I'm out. It is those people I feel myself directing some of my anger too. I KNOW it doesn't belong there which is why I try to be as aware of it as possible, but it is difficult to get past sometimes.

I joke now that "I SEE GAY PEOPLE." And I do, pretty much everyone is assumed to be gay unless proven otherwise now. I don't trust my own judgement which is probably another reason why I'm not in any hurry to get involved with anyone anytime soon. Someone commented that Erik wasn't the only one who could date...that I could too. I know this, but ...I don't know...I feel like I was so completely DELUDED about the sort of relationship Erik and I had. I knew something was wrong, but on the other hand, I romanticized SO much about our relationship....we were meant for each other, etc...maybe I was trying to find meaning or give meaning to some of the things that just didn't add up. Honestly, most gay people are just as appalled that someone would marry someone without being upfront about their SSA. What is really frustrating though is that whenever this sort of situation is addressed publicly...everybody feels all this empathy for the GAY spouse and I just don't get that at all. The GAY spouse was the coward, the liar, the person who defrauded an innocent woman or man and wasted the best years of their lives (for the most part) in a marriage they KNEW they had no business being in. The straight spouse is often an afterthought. I will never understand why people are so often inclined to feel all this compassion for the gay spouse.

Part of me wants Erik to find someone, fall in love and FEEL the attachment, connection, etc with another person. I want him to find some man that he can finally have that TRUE connection with,know true intimacy with and then I want him to feel the crushing heartache as the relationship unravels. I want him to know the devastation of having someone he loved as deeply as he's ever loved anyone reject him and toss him aside. And I hate myself for feeling this way.

This is where I find myself lately...vacillating between the relationship we have now and the detritus and fallout of what was. Simultaneously forgiving him and crucifying him over and over and over again. Maybe I need to see about talking this out with a therapist or something. Someone who can help me sort through all these feelings and put them behind me once and for all because I really really really do want to get on with my life.

Wow! I had NO intention of going HERE today. I've sat here for the last 5 minutes struggling with my finger hovered over the delete button, but I'm going to go ahead and just post it.

As a mini update on things: I didn't hear back from the doctor today so we'll see if she gets in touch with me before the end of the week.

TODAYS CHALLENGE: is from T.S. I walked circles around my kitchen island while dinner was cooking this evening. Granted, it wasn't for very long, but it beats sitting in a chair :) Thanks everyone for the challenges so far! Keep them coming. I'm off the next two days so I'm going to get an actual jar made up and will add your challenges as I get them.

CHALLENGE ME TODAY!!

Elvis was Gay and other epiphanies I had today

Yeah, I was thinking about things today. TGT (the gay thing) has been on my mind a lot lately. The post on grief I made the other day was mostly about having some of some feelings resurface in regards to tgt that I thought I had dealt with. I'm still dealing with them actually, trying to sort through them and see where I stand after this round. BTW, the "date" the other night? He ended up going back the next night, but the more I hear about this guy, the more I'm of the hoping Erik has better taste lol. Apparently this guy has a few issues, collects teddy bears, has hoarder tendencies, etc. Again, I'm not all that encouraged by the gay men that seem to be popping up more and more in Erik's life. They all have serious issues (let's pretend I don't have a blog where I out my own serious issues to the universe for the moment ok?). I'm guessing it probably has a lot to do with having to live your life in a society that isn't always all the welcoming to homosexuals. I don't know, but I would think that there has to be some decent gay men out there for Erik to play with right?

Anyway, I got to thinking about Elvis today after reading some article on Adam Lambert's version of "Ring of Fire" making some countdown for 2009. I know it was Johnny Cash that sang the song, but Adam kind of looked a bit like Elvis when he sang it...just giving you the architecture of my train of thought here... And it dawned on me...ELVIS WAS GAY! It makes complete and total sense. All the weird crazy crap in his life can be easily explained by the fact that he was gay. Think about it...he basically gave Priscilla her own makeover, quickly got her pregnant and then used the whole "I can't see you as a mother sexually anymore" excuse to never have sex with her again. I would think it would also explain his kind of tortured psyche. It is weird thinking I may have something in common with Priscilla...too bad it isn't her amazing figure and gorgeous eyes (said in a totally non-lesbian way).

Speaking of Elvis....today, I chose "Tamzin's" suggestion to do 15 wall pushups. I actually did three sets of 15, howz that for a good start? I LOVED all the suggestions I've had so far and am looking for an actual jar to use. I may end up using a vase or something pretty, I'll take a picture when I get it all made up. I'm going to start making Tanner choose too lol. We'll see how that goes. PLEASE don't stop with the suggestions. I loved reading them as they came in and it really was kind of fun to choose one today.

I contacted the bariatric center today too just to see if they got my file in. She expects it tomorrow. I'll give her a few days and if I haven't heard from her by the end of the week, I'll give her a call. One thing I did learn that kind of saddened me was that they shut down Weightwise which was the place I used to go to see my doctor. That was where they had the fitness center geared towards super sized people. I'm going to ask my advocate if they have anything like it in another facility here. I know they had at least one other location. Hopefully they just downsized, but I think the other facility was quite a distance for me. Now that we are down to one car, it makes getting to the YMCA impossible (or almost impossible).

Alrighty, have to go spend time with Tanner before working a few more hours then bed.

Don't forget to Challenge me today!! Comment below :)

I guess it's fitting...

since I'm counting on 2010 being the year of changes for me (it's either put up or shut up as far as I'm concerned), Erik is making changes of his own. Apparently tonight, on what would have been our 15th anniversary, he has his first date with a guy. He's trying to pass it off as a casual get together with an old friend, but I could just tell by the look on his face and the "casual" way he tried to make it sound that there is more to it than that. His friend is gay...he's gay...there will most likely be beer or some other hard(no pun intended) beverages involved, they are watching a movie together at this guy's house....how do you guys think this sounds?

He knows I've been somewhat depressed over our "anniversary" coming up, I really can't tell you why. I did fairly well last year...I almost forgot it was our anniversary (which is hard to do when you do something stupid like get married on new year's eve), but this year has been hard. Maybe because it was always kind of a milestone in our heads. We used to talk in terms of how far from 40 we were....we'd be married 15 years, Tanner would be almost 15 years old...etc. It was always so hard to fathom what our life would look like at 40. I can guarantee you I never thought it would look like this.

Anyway, him having his first date shouldn't really matter much. It isn't as if I would have wanted this marriage anymore if he stayed celibate for the rest of his life. Why then do I feel physically ill every time I think about him taking this next step?

I just talked to him about it and supposedly it isn't a date. Just two gay guys getting together for a movie and an introduction to World of Warcraft. A friend of mine on the SSN list I'm on said the following which got me laughing:

"2 gay guys, alone, watching a movie over NYE? No party? No Celebration? No Dancing? Sounds like a damn date to me. Either that or an incredibly sad night."

Hehe, thanks Kev. Whatever this is...it is what it is. I guess it is better than having us two home together trying to avoid the elephant in the room (and I don't mean ME for once ;)

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The scale is calling me

It's been calling me for a week. I know where it is. It isn't difficult to get to, but somehow I keep forgetting to pull it out and step on it. Part of me is worried I'm going to get the big "E" which means "EEEEEK you are too damn fat for this scale, please exit the platform." I have a feeling I may have gained some weight in the last few weeks. I feel like I have. I've been fighting a depression the last month or so and while I've made some gains emotionally, I think I've been resorting to old habits to cope with the depression.

The holidays pretty much suck for me nowdays. I lost my mom on Thanksgiving back in 2002 so every year I have to cope with that anniversary. Add to that the fact that I have NO family around me (outside of Tanner and Erik's family) and the holidays overall just seem like a non-event anymore. I feel bad, because Tanner gets shortchanged too. Our house is too small for a real tree so we have this sad little charlie brown Christmas tree on a coffee table downstairs. We haven't even bothered decorating it. I also have my 15th wedding anniversary coming up this New Years Eve. Both Erik and I really stopped counting our anniversaries back in 2008 since that is when we officially decided we were splitting up. The only reason we are still married really is because we are too poor to get a divorce.

I was talking to a friend yesterday about my grief over my marriage resurfacing and how difficult it was to understand it because I knew that I would never take Erik back and ...just for the record...I'm pretty sure Erik has NO plans on trying to come back (to the marriage...he lives with us, but you know...it's complicated lol) 20 years of wondering why I was never enough for him was quite enough for me thanks. We have a much better relationship now that all that pressure is off to keep a fake marriage going while ignoring the elephant (which wasn't ME btw!) in the room.

In talking to my friend yesterday, I realized that what I think I was grieving most about was that I really didn't have a chance to fight for my marriage. The fact that he is gay means there is absolutely nothing I could have done to save my marriage (short of growing a new appendage and taking steroids to get the kind of physique he is apparently attracted to). When I was thinner, I just thought I wasn't good enough of a person for him...and even though I was in fairly good shape, I always felt like the "fat girl" so I guess I probably still blamed how I looked even then. As I gained weight, our relationship actually improved; probably because I wasn't pressing him for sex or getting upset at the lack of physical affection he failed to show or initiate.

I don't want you to think that Erik was a jerk. He wasn't and he isn't. He is a really great guy who made all the wrong decisions for the right reasons. He was trying to live the life he felt was moral. The life his family wanted for him. He got me pregnant trying to convince himself he was straight and then married me because it was the right thing to do. He was always a great father and a great friend, but I realize he was never really a husband to me. Not in the way that separates a great friend from a great husband. I'm not just talking sex here...I'm talking about the fact that I realized the other day that I have never had a man look in my eyes, tell me he loves me, and MEAN it the same way I MEAN it. I've never had a man be just as happy to be with me as I was to be with him. I've never known THAT kind of love and I sometimes wonder if I ever will.

Of course it could be a lot worse. For the time that we were married, I had a man that I enjoyed being around, was a great father, good provider for the most part and yes....he did love me, still loves me...just more of the brother/sister kind of love and not the passionate sort. I know many other couples who have that passion, but every other aspect of their marriage sucks! All in all, if I had to chose between the two, I'd probably choose Erik all over again even knowing what I know now. Of course, if I had ever had the choice between Erik and a happy and healthy relationship with a straight man, I would have chosen the straight man hands down and kept Erik as my fabulous gay best friend.

Tanner, in his uncanny ability to pick up on my emotional state, broke my heart the other day. Erik calls him from work on his lunch break and out of absolutely NOWHERE, Tanner gets on the phone with him and says "I don't want you to break up." Not knowing what he was referring to, Erik said "What do you mean you don't want what to break?" Tanner said "I don't want you to break up with mommy" and started to cry :( Wahhhhh I have no idea where it came from, we haven't talked about anything like this recently and hadn't prior to him talking to Erik that evening. Erik did a great job of reassuring Tanner that we would always be there for him no matter what happened between Erik and I, that he would never have to choose between us, etc. In the end, Tanner was somewhat satisfied, but I think it was hard for both Erik and I to see him struggling with the concept.

Ok, well guess this is proof that blogging helps because I think I'm in a much better frame of mind at the end of this post than I was at the beginning. Someone recently told me to count my blessings when I asked how to get through a rough holiday season. It seems so obvious doesn't it? Almost cliche, but when I read her suggestion it really did help. Instead of focusing on what I don't have this holiday season, count my blessings...Tanner is doing great in his new placement at school, Erik has a new job he loves, I have good friends around me and great blogging buddies who put up with my sporadic posting style.

Btw, I am very grateful to those of you who still read and comment despite my obvious neglect (both in posting and commenting and reading your blogs). In the past week, just getting a comment now and then actually helped me pull my but out of bed on my days off so that I could get a few things accomplished around the house.

One more update: the craft fair didn't happen. I spent weeks upon weeks preparing for it then the morning of, Erik got sick and the friend that was going with me had a domestic issue and I couldn't manage getting there and setting up on my own. I probably should have tried, but to be honest....I was scared....scared because I didn't know how far I was going to have to walk, could I unload the car by myself without having a heart attack. If I did manage it, was I going to be in any shape at the end of the day to pack everything back up, etc. For some reason, the person that could muster up the courage to carry a folding chair through Hobby Lobby took a holiday that morning. I stayed home rather than expose myself to some embarrassment at not being able to manage it on my own. This probably triggered the following week's depression to because it is yet another time my weight has limited my independence :(

Ok, enough of that! I was on my way to ending this on a positive note and I still am dammit! There is a Christmas party at Tanner's big brother's church tonight and he invited all of us. As usual, part of me doesn't want to go for all the reasons I didn't go to the craft fair, but I may force myself to go anyway. I'm sure it will be fine and I'll enjoy spending some time with Tanner OUTSIDE the darn house.

I'll let you know if courage wins out over cowardice tomorrow.

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National Coming Out Day

I have been busy this weekend getting an album together for an auction that will benefit the Straight Spouse Network. It is the 10th anniversary of our annual get together in Florida. I had hoped to go myself, but you know what my finances are like at the moment and if I had any money at all I’d be taking Tanner to visit my grandfather. That doesn’t look like it is going to happen anytime soon either :(

It is kind of ironic that the album I’m working on will benefit SSN and is the first real scrapbooking project I’ve worked on since disclosure (learning that my husband was gay). When I was packing up my stuff to move out on my own with Tanner, I knew I wouldn’t be pulling out my scrapbooking supplies anytime soon. At the time, I didn’t think I was ever going to be able to work on my own albums again. The thought of looking through all of our family photos and trying to scrap happier times (when I thought the biggest problem in our marriage was my weight) just crippled me with grief.

To be honest, going through some of the boxes has brought up some of those old feelings again…the feeling of loss, the realization that while I may eventually meet someone else and maybe even get married, I will never know what it is like to grow old with the person I started my adult life with. The good thing is, even though they brought a few tears, the feelings are mere echoes of what they once were. There is still grief, but there is acceptance as well. There is also gratitude that I have been able to forge a relationship with my husband (we are still technically married) that, in many ways, is better than what it was when we were living as man and wife. I suppose it’s because he is finally able to be 100% (or as close to 100% as anyone can ever really get) honest with me.

This year will mark our 15th anniversary; our anniversary is December 31st, but of course we really don’t celebrate it anymore. I think if we were ever asked, we would probably say we were “married” for 13 years instead of whatever it will be when we finally make it legal.

Erik has commented several times that he is concerned that his living here is holding me back. I really don’t know if it is or not. There is a certain level of comfort that comes with having a companion here with me if nothing else. I thought about it the other day…If I didn’t have him here, would I be trying harder to get myself back into shape for the eventuality that I might put myself back “out there?” I mean, I’m definitely a lot more comfortable being my own company than I was when I was in my 20’s, but I wonder if I would be as satisfied if I had to spend every evening on my own. I really can’t answer that question.

At the moment, I have absolutely no desire to date; I don’t even miss sex. I am guessing that this may be partly because of the meds I’m on and partly because I don’t feel the least bit sexy. As I’ve said before, I really don’t want to get involved with anyone else until Tanner is at least 18. Both Erik and I have more than enough on our plate to be worrying about trying to cultivate and nurture a new relationship.

Anyway, back to the album I’m working on. The auction is going to be held one of the first nights of the get together and it is going to be fellow str8s bidding on the items. I decided to make an album that someone could use to hold pictures from the actual gathering and will title it “Familee.” We use the word “Familee” to describe those of us who have found our way to the SSN. Upon disclosure, many of us feel incredibly isolated and alone. Many times our spouses are still in the closet which means we have a hard time reaching out to our “real” family. We are essentially forced to walk into our spouse’s closet, and close the door behind us. When we emerge, we have to don the same mask our spouse has worn their entire life. We have to smile and act as if there is nothing wrong even as we feel what was once a stable foundation crumbling beneath our feet. When we find SSN, we are embraced by others who have walked our path, shared our journey, felt our pain and it truly is like coming home. I have met some of the most wonderful people through the Straight Spouse Network. Many of them, including Amity Buxton herself (the author of the book “The Other Side of the Closet” and founder of the SSN) called me personally to talk me through the darkest hours. Others reached out in other ways supporting me in ways my family and friends couldn’t. I honestly don’t think I would have come through it all as well as I have without them or SSN.

At the moment, SSN is struggling financially. I know many of you probably have your own charities you support and if you are anything like me, you are struggling to donate at all this year, but I wanted to note a few ways you could painlessly support the SSN and encourage the wonderful work they do every single day for people like myself. You can help support SSN by using Goodsearch and designating them as your charity. If you purchase from Amazon, visit their website, page all the way down to the bottom and click through to Amazon. Any order you place through their link will contribute money to their fundraising efforts. You can also use igive in much the same way. If you have an older vehicle that isn’t going to bring much at trade in, consider donating it (link also on the SSN website) and request that the proceeds go to SSN.

Today is National Coming Out day. If you are in the closet please consider coming out to your friends and family. You owe it to yourself and to those that love or will love you in the future to be honest; with them and with yourself. If you know someone in the closet, be the support they need as they take those first frightening steps out of the darkness.

Thanks for reading xx

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