Dating Revisited...

So yeah, I made the decision to date. Nothing serious, just have some fun, get out and meet some people. Figure out what it is I really want, play the field a bit. To be honest, the attention has been kind of nice. I posted in my str8s forum the following:

“Ok, because I was posting so much about this recent breakup, etc I wanted to update a bit. I kind of decided just to date, nothing serious...get my feet wet so put my profile back up at (dating site 1) and (dating site 2). All of a sudden men coming out of the woodwork lmao! Who would have thunk? After years living with a gay husband who rejected me time and time again and made me feel like a nympho just because I wanted intimacy with my husband, it is nice to see that there ARE men out there who might not want to run in the other direction at the sight of me.
And no, I do not need the validation of a man because I feel pretty darn good about myself these days. Not just because of the way I look, but more so because of the way I am inside, who I'm becoming as I shed my armor and discover the woman of steel I've cultivated inside my body! It has happened because of all I've gone through (not just tgt) that has made me who I am right NOW.

So, those of you who are just starting the hellish journey down this path...just know that you will emerge at some point...battered, bruised but more resilient than you ever thought possible. Ready to take on the second half of your life with gusto and yeah...its going to be WAY awesome ;)”

I posted this for a few reasons. First and foremost, we have had a recent influx of newbie str8s due to some attention Dear Abby has focused on the topic. I remember what it was like to wake up the next day to find what you thought was a rock solid foundation beneath your feet in absolute shambles. I remember what it was like to go from taking for granted the fact that I would grow old with my best friend and soul mate and then wake up the morning after disclosure to find I had no idea who I’d been sleeping next to for the last decade. The pain in their stories is heartbreaking and ongoing. I’ve been there, I remember.

I have no illusions that what I had to offer in the above snippet really did much to ease that heartache. When the pain is fresh, simply imagining a time when you might be ok with moving on is often enough to twist that knife in your heart just a bit more; still, I think it is important to see that those that have gone before them can and do find their way.

So, yes I’ve decided to date. I’m not sure what that is going to look like honestly. So far, I have gone out with one man (well I had a few other dates that were duds…hell I even had a 24 year old soldier in the army chatting me up the other night lol…have to tell you guys about him another time…also need to tell you about the date from hell because it was hilarious). So where was I? Oh yeah ok, so this guy had actually chased me quite vigorously back in January before I met Greg, but because I was pretty sure he just wanted a hookup I politely declined. We started talking again recently and honestly…he is a very attractive guy. My life coach, aka “Nick” just came right out and said “Michelle, you keep running AWAY from these guys, the ones that scare you because they are not afraid to tell you exactly what they want. I think you need to just run TOWARDS them. You need a man who is going to take charge and give you what I think you really want (namely, a hot passionate romance…of course, the very thing that scares the hell out of me)” I cleaned that up a bit because Nick doesn’t really mince words lol.

Anyway, so I met up with this guy. We had talked on the phone, exchanged several texts and messages. The attraction was definitely there on both sides. When we finally got together, it was obvious the chemistry was there, but he was also up front about the fact that he didn’t have time for a girlfriend really. He has two daughters who live down at the coast and he said if he didn’t have time to see his girls, he didn’t have time for a girlfriend. I told him I actually respected that and explained that I wasn’t sure I was looking for a boyfriend, but that I liked him, he liked me. We could hang out, etc.

We actually had a very nice lengthy conversation about it all. I opened up about myself, he did the same. After an hour or two of just talking, I had some other friends to get to, so I got up to leave. I thanked him for meeting with me and out of nowhere he leaned in to kiss me. (original section edited to protect the feelings of someone who might be hurt to read what was originally here).

I honestly couldn’t stop smiling and I can’t tell you if it was because the kiss was so freaking amazing or because I kissed this hot blooded straight man who came on stronger than most men I had experienced and lived to tell about it…with a smile on my face no less. I realize this may not seem like a big deal to the average person, but for me, this was kind of huge.

Ok, now for the bad news: I haven’t heard from him since lol. There was no mistaking the mutual attraction, but meh…I’m learning that men can be just as weird as women. I have no idea why he decided not to pursue this further, but oh well. There are more straight men out there who I’m sure can kiss me like that again…at least I hope there are lol. He can’t have cornered the market on that right?
So, one thing discovered so far: I think Nick is right. I think I am shying away from the thing I want the most. The thing that scares me, is the thing I want deep down inside. So now I have to figure out how to get from point A to point B without self destructing lol. Any suggestions?

In closing, please don’t mistake this focus on dating as a frivolous diversion. I mean yeah, it can be fun. The attention is nice. Having an experience like that was pretty awesome, but ultimately it is more about me trying to tease out the knots in my emotional ball of yarn so that I can craft a beautiful warm, comforting blanket to wrap around myself at some point and have a healthy relationship with someone. It is about NOT running away this time literally or figuratively by sabotaging myself with food or booze or..whatever else I may choose to use to keep people at a distance. It’s part of hanging up my armor for good and relying on that steely inner core I talked about in my last post.

Overwhelmed Blogger reporting for duty SIR!

Yes, still smiling :) I apologize, but this first week of school has taken a lot of my concentration, energy and brain power. Chemistry is going to be a challenge for me. I’ve pretty much cracked the books open as soon as I finish work, but in addition to my day job, Im still working between 15-30 hours a week at my other job. Something is going to have to give, because I haven’t even started looking at my sociology work :S

I’m still hovering between 315 and 317, but this week I’m starting P90. Erik and I just watched the first workout and while I think it is definitely going to be a challenge, I think that I can adapt the moves and get a decent workout. When I was doing my boot camp workouts at the gym, I did the most ridiculous adaptations compared to what everyone else in the class was doing, but I left there feeling just as wiped as the rest of them and I was definitely stronger by the end of the three months. I’m probably going to have Erik take some pictures of me, but honestly guys…I don’t know if I’m going to be brave enough to post them here just yet. I’m talking biggest loser style jog bra and biking shorts pics that won’t hide a thing and yeah…I just don’t know that I’m quite that brave.

I’m looking forward to getting started on the workout though. It seems like every time I’ve tried to get going, I’d wind up with an injury or back in the hospital so I’m going to work out as hard as I can, but I’m definitely going to be smart about it so that I can continue. I will do my best to report in as often as I can as well.

This week, I’m going to make a few changes to my diet as well. I’m going to add in a protein shake because if I’m going to be doing more activity, I’m going to need the protein to help build the muscle. I haven’t decided whether the shake will replace a meal or in addition to the meals I eat. I may just see how I feel. To begin with, I think it may be in addition to what I’ve been eating.

I’m also going to cut out the nightly glass of wine I started having. I’ve never been much of a drinker, but in the last few weeks, I got into the habit of having one glass of wine as I was finishing up my work on the night shift. I know one glass of wine isn’t horrible, but I just don’t like having anything in my life at this time that is habitual. I’m also somewhat worried about transference or whatever they call it when a former food addict has surgery and winds up replacing food with alcohol or sex or shopping…whatever fills that void. Apart from worrying about the psychological implications of a new behavior, I am beginning to wonder if that one glass of wine is causing my weight loss to slow down. I guess we will see what happens when I stop it.

On the social scene, I’m continuing to get out and about whenever I can. I went to a wine social Friday with one of the meetup groups I joined and it was fun. There really is such an amazing group of people that go to these things. I found myself at one point in a conversation with an FBI agent and a former race car driver; really fascinating and interesting people. Despite this, I found myself mid-evening questioning whether I was really enjoying myself. I enjoyed getting dressed up and out of the house for sure, but I think I’d enjoy more outings like the dinners, etc where you can interact more. This honestly felt more like going to a club. The music was loud, people were standing everywhere, you really couldn’t carry on a conversation, etc. I mean, what is the point of having all these interesting people to talk to if you can’t hear each other over the music right? I was never really much into clubbing as a younger adult (I was typically the den mother/designated driver) and I guess not much has changed in the last 20 years. I am, however dying to go to this lecture tomorrow, but I just don’t know if I’m going to make it. Erik has to work and I think Tanner would be bored stiff. Well part of me thinks he might actually enjoy some of it, but I’m guessing it is going to be super “talky” and he’d probably get lost trying to follow along. I checked into getting an interpreter which they were more than happy to provide, but I wound up nixing the idea because I thought I could just leave Tanner at home while I went so I don't want to call them back at the last minute to change my mind. Guess I'll wait and see tomorrow, I probably need to study anyway.

I’ve also been enjoying new friendships I’ve formed and getting out with one person in particular. I’ve decided that I’m going to remain somewhat quiet about this aspect of my life since my whole situation is somewhat complicated. Out of respect for my son, I won’t be discussing much more on the subject of dating, etc. Just know that I am definitely not actively pursuing new prospects at the moment, but I have developed a friendship with someone and am interested in seeing where it might go. Erik is fully informed and while somewhat protective of me, is supportive.

So! There you have it…my week in a nutshell. I plan on elaborating on my last lab experience later in the week. It went well, but I swear, I almost died lol. All I have to say is the prof is getting a strongly worded email suggesting that we take the thermostat down a notch for our next lab.

As a closer, I’m interested in learning if any of you guys have done the P90 program. This isn’t the P90X people, just the P90…baby steps, baby steps.

More thoughts on dating

I mentioned that I took down all the profiles I had put up on various dating sites for the time being, but there were three men I had stayed in touch with. The first was the guy I went out with in my post a few weeks ago. I had explained that I was interested in friendship and if that was ok with him, I thought we had a lot in common and would love to stay friends. (this is the guy I actually went out with, not the crazy one that started talking marriage and children before the first date)

The other two men were very interesting and intelligent men that I also seemed to share a lot in common with. I contacted both, explained that I had changed my mind about dating at this time, but would love to stay friends if they were interested. Both seemed open to that as well. I communicated with one for a bit, but he hasn’t replied since my last email so I’m assuming he is busy or maybe not interested in a friendship.

I’ve continued emailing the other man and we seem to get along great so far. We share a lot of the same interests and activities (He’s a writer and loves photography) and while I’ve been much more careful about sharing my personal info, I think we will ultimately probably get together for coffee or something at some point. He seems very intelligent and has been a perfect gentleman up to this point which is a nice change of pace considering my brief experiment in the online dating world.

Speaking of horror stories…the first guy kind of morphed into a not so great story. I feel kind of bad about it though because I feel as if I led him on out of sheer naiveté. I took him at his word that we were friends so when he started joking/flirting, etc I thought it was just kind of a running joke between us and played along. Like I told Erik later…I flirt with my girlfriends! I flirt with old men. I flirt with cute little babies. I’m a HUGE flirt period and I guess I don’t realize that most straight men aren’t going to laugh it up and take with a grain of salt…they are going to take it seriously. I honestly thought this guy had no attraction to me whatsoever or I would have never joked around with him about some of it, but he was a funny guy and I have the same sense of humor so…as usual, got myself into a bit of a situation here. I won’t go into details because overall, I think this was a decent guy, just lonely and based on my behavior; he assumed I was open to more than friendship despite what I had said initially. Sadly, what happened will probably mean we can’t continue as friends as it would be too awkward.

I felt horrible about it all yesterday. Erik even sat down with me because he KNOWS me. He knows my history, all the attention I got from older men as a young girl and how it has shaped how I relate to men now. I told him that this situation made me feel exactly how I did when, at 9 years old, the nice old man I had befriended invited me over and discouraged me from bringing my mom so he could “love me up.” It was exactly the same way I felt at 13 when the man I used to see every day throwing my paper route invited me over for dinner that following weekend. It was exactly how I felt when any friendship with the opposite sex took an obvious and all too abrupt turn down a road I wasn’t ready to travel. I’m sure that is why I ended up with Erik…because he let me set the pace. I was the assertive one in the relationship. Erik even said, he is very uncomfortable initiating things whether it is conversation or otherwise, so that probably made me feel more comfortable. That, and the fact that we were friends two years before it ever went beyond friendship.

Incidentally, Erik was really sweet about the whole thing. I made a comment like “Geez Erik, seriously…even at this weight, why in the world would a guy be chomping at the bit to hop in to bed with me anyway??” Erik’s answer: “Because you are beautiful Michelle. You are beautiful and you have this personality and energy that is just…there is just something about you so you shouldn’t be surprised and when men show an interest in you, you shouldn’t blow it off thinking they don’t mean it and are just trying to be nice.” (which is what I guess I did with this other guy). He also said I needed to get over worrying about “hurting someone’s feelings” and that with men I needed to be very direct and to the point because if I beat around the bush and left an opening at all, they are going to think I am open to whatever they are offering.

Ok blog buddies. Lesson learned. I obviously still have some learning to do about men and I’m obviously not ready to date right now. I don’t think it is a coincidence that most of my weight started coming on around the age I started getting all this unwanted attention and I certainly don’t want to subconsciously sabotage myself by re-creating those scenarios in my adult life right now.

I obviously still have issues to work through when it comes to men and my relationships with men. I’m sure I will get there eventually, but right now I’m going to stay focused on my weight loss/health and possibly start some counseling to sort through some of these issues so that when I do reach my goal, they don’t trigger a relapse.

For now, can you guys tell me something? In your dating experience, do straight men all act like a bunch of horndogs in heat? Are there any men who can control themselves and actually try to build on a relationship with a woman and respect her boundaries or all they ALL going to try to get what they can if they think there is the slightest possibility? Otherwise, I’m beginning to feel like I must be walking around with EASY tattooed across my forehead which would of course be false advertising in my case lol. Maybe because I’m overweight they think I’m desperate?

To date or not to date....

Hey all, no I haven’t been in the hospital and I’m sorry for being so late in updating, but I’ve been busy working as usual. When I wasn’t working, I was getting to know a man I met on one of the dating sites I’ve been trying out. Initially, he seemed great! He had a degree in finance, worked in real estate, seemed to have a good head on his shoulders and we appeared to have a lot in common. Over the week, we progressed from emails to talking on the phone which progressed to making an actual date that was supposed to take place this past Saturday. One of the things I thought was wonderful was that he was a past marathon athlete that had let himself go a bit and was trying to get healthier; yet another thing we had in common. We talked about possibly training together and while I am miles away from anything like a marathon, it was kind of exciting to find someone that I shared so much in common with, especially this aspect. To make a long story short, by the end of the week I started getting this *feeling* that things just weren’t right. He just seemed to be “falling” a heck of a lot faster than I was. I mean, yeah I had butterflies for the first time in a long time, but I wasn’t picking out china patterns just yet.

By Friday, I seriously felt like he bought a ring and was going to propose marriage on our first date :S Saturday morning, I followed my gut and just called the date off. I don’t regret it at all, especially since afterwards, we had one more conversation that only solidified my sense that he wasn’t quite as level-headed as I initially presumed. Yes, it was disappointing, but not anything that really got me down too much. I was proud of myself for going with my gut and canceling the date despite having spent most of the week looking forward to it, but by Saturday morning, most of what I had been looking forward to seemed an illusion. I’ve had enough experience living with an illusion, I’m not going to settle for anything less than the real thing next time.

Over the last week, I realized a few things. One, I really am not ready to date anyone right now. First of all, Erik and I are still married and while it really is in name only, I feel that any man I might meet would have to be told this (in addition to our living arrangement) and really…what man would honestly understand the whole arrangement? At some point, they would probably expect me to move out, etc and I wasn’t willing to do that to Tanner just for the sake of my love life.

Also, I kind of put myself in the shoes of any man I might meet and who could really respect a woman who was dating while still legally married AND living with her husband no matter what the circumstances might be? They might think they understood how it was different, but somewhere deep down, I think it would affect their overall opinion of me. At the very least, the really decent guys wouldn’t want to get caught up in it and that is what I want…the decent ones!

I also thought about everything else I’m going to have going on this Spring. In addition to working full time, caring for Tanner and going to school, when exactly am I going to have time to do much of anything else much less gallivant around or try to cultivate a relationship with someone? I’m just not willing to sub-divide my time with Tanner for anyone. The occasional outing is one thing, but a steady relationship is another.

I also just didn’t feel right about it morally. No, Erik and I aren’t really married in our hearts anymore and it really is all over but signing the papers, but nevertheless, we ARE still married in the eyes of church and state and until that is taken care of, I don’t think it is right for me to be entertaining the idea of dating. At the very least, I have to think about what Tanner would think if I had to discuss it with him at some point.

Finally, I think I realized that what I was wanting was to expand my social circle more than a need for a boyfriend/partner/whatever. I just want to get out of this house now! I want to get dressed and put makeup on and enter a room feeling confident and beautiful for the first time in a long time. I want to talk to other human beings face to face and let the memory of me confined to my home become a distant memory. I can do this without match.com or eharmony or the hassle and complications of a relationship right now. I’m kind of enjoying being “on my own” and having my own time to figure out who I am and where I’m going. I’m going to take a bit more time to enjoy THIS I think.

Don’t get me wrong though…if Brad Pitt shows up on my doorstep with a ring, I’ll be on the phone to the nearest divorce attorney. I’m not crazy.

First Date: YES! It happened lol.

Well, I had my first date since forever last night. It was with a nice guy named John and yes, we met on a dating site. It was a bit strange because I talked to Erik about it of course. Initially, Erik seemed kind of strange, but I think he just had to get used to the idea. I think he may have just been a bit worried for my safety maybe? I have no illusions that he is having second thoughts about our marriage and staying together, but he seemed a bit...I don't know...weirded out initially.

Anyway, we have been talking back and forth via email and text and he seems like a nice guy, he’s funny, educated, etc so we figured “Why not? If nothing else we make a new friend.” So, we met up last night at a place near where I live…it is kind of a bar, but a cool kind of hangout place, people go to drink the beer they brew onsite, etc. I had never been, but am looking forward to going back again.

I was strangely not all that nervous; not as nervous as I thought I might be going on a date after 16 years of marriage lol. I enjoyed getting ready and a friend came over to give me her opinion on what to wear. I ultimately settled on a cute black top that had kind of a band of beading under the breast and along the bottom of the top, a pair of jean capri’s and a cute pair of black peep toe shoes to show off my fresh pedicure ;) When I arrived I was pleasantly surprised to see he was better looking than his pictures. Not that he looked bad in his profile pics, but he was dressed nicely and came up and gave me a big hug. We found a table and ordered a few appetizers, a few drinks and sat and talked about 3 hours straight.

We really have an amazing amount of things in common: we both love music and live music events, we both have gone to college and he even has a masters. At some point, he considered going into a pharmD program, but has seriously considered going back to school to get his license as a physician’s assistant (both things I’ve considered). We both have a very similar sense of humor as well which is nice because I love to laugh. He also is a very active dad which I like. He has one child in high school and two in middle school (twins). Believe it or not, we’ve discussed the unusual circumstances of my “marriage,” the fact that I’m still married on paper and it doesn’t seem to bother him (at least outwardly). About the only thing that was kind of a turn off was the fact that he seems to be kind of a homebody like Erik. I’d really like to find someone who enjoys getting out more, living more of an active lifestyle, etc.

Anyway, when it was over, he walked me to my car, gave me another hug and even texted me later when he got home to say what a good time he’d had. There is talk of a “next time” so we’ll see what happens.

At this point, I’m not sure what I do. Do I call him or wait for him to call me? I don’t want to play games, but I also don’t want to make some dating error lol. Remember, I’m pretty much a novice when it comes to this kind of thing. I definitely am not all that interested in anything serious right now; I think I’ve decided that once and for all, but it is kind of fun to get out with someone so I may keep my options open when it comes to dating.