Migraine Brain

This has to be the third time I’ve started this post. I get more than halfway through it and just find myself bored silly so I think, “If I’m bored and it is MY life, how am I going to expect anyone else to spend the few minutes it will take to read through it.” I suppose there is something to say for having a few hum drum days. Sunday actually wasn’t so humdrum. I tried to visit the pool with Shannon. Incidentally she is having her surgery tomorrow, please keep her in your prayers. I’m so excited to see what this next year has in store for her :D! I had a great time, but left with the beginnings of what would become a horrendous migraine. I sort of spend most days with some kind of throbbing at the base of my skull/neck and I’ve just had to get to the point where I take my meds and continue with my life and hope whatever I do doesn’t exacerbate the problem. Occasionally, I wind up with the sort of migraine that sends me fetal for hours/days. This was one of those times, thankfully, it was just for the evening.

Erik ended up coming home at some point because I was so sick. He was so worried, he actually climbed into bed with me just to rub my head and try to offer some comfort…sweet, but strange too. I don’t think we’ve had a moment like that in a very long time. Totally platonic of course, it honestly felt like having my brother or uncle comfort me which was kind of a surprising revelation for me, but it was sweet nonetheless and just nice to feel as if someone cared that I was hurting.

By the next morning I was feeling better; still had a dull throb, but managed to get up and go for my morning walk which left me feeling relaxed and ready for the rest of the day. I’m finding that the morning walk is fast becoming my morning meditation period. I mostly have pretty chill music on my ipod so I sort of lose myself in the music…breathing in the cool morning air and exhaling in time with each step, feeling my calves and thighs begin to ache with the brisk pace I can now manage. I’ve mapped out a mile around my neighborhood and I’m managing to complete it in about 20-25 minutes. Today, I went for a second walk (the same distance) at lunch and then went to my water aerobics class this evening. I have to pick Erik up from work after midnight and I found myself considering one more walk around the neighborhood maybe before I go get him.

I know, I know…it sounds excessive. Maybe it is, but it relaxes me and, like I said, its almost like valium or something for me right now. I suppose a walk is better than a glass of wine or a hoho right? So, if I’m going to reach for some healthier coping mechanisms to manage the stress I’m under, I suppose exercise is better than other options as long as I’m careful and don’t injure myself. I’m being careful.

Oh! I almost forgot (part of migraine brain…I have moments where I can think very clearly and others where I stop and start a hundred times), I also realized something while I was fetal with Sunday’s migraine; part of some of the emotional upheaval and lability I’ve been experienced can also be contributed to my migraines resurfacing. It dawned on me that when I was having them like this years ago, I had the same problems. Living with the chronic pain is one thing, but it also plays with your normal routine, sleep cycle, ability to think clearly, attend to things, etc. I went from feeling on top of the world emotionally and physically to coping again with a chronic illness; I think that would depress the biggest optimist. So, I’m going to do my best to cut myself some slack and cut down on the negative self talk that seems to be on a loop in my head 24/7. I’m not blaming everything on the migraines, but I know that they are seriously affecting my ability to cope and address various issues in my life with any sort of success.

I had my last MRI and CSF flow study last Friday (did I mention that? See migraine brain) and I will see the neurosurgeon next Monday, the 23rd to see what he has to say. I predict he isn’t going to have much to offer. This last MRI was to see if I had developed any kind of cyst on my thoracic portion of the spinal cord; I guess they are common with people who have chiari malformation. From the report on the cervical MRI (the neck), I remember reading specifically that they didn’t see a cyst; I think they call it a “syrinx.” Anyway, as I type this I feel my neck stiffening up so I’m going to get away from the computer, take my meds and maybe just take it easy for the rest of the night

Hope you all are having an amazing week; take care xx

Conversations with God: "Get to the Gym Girl!"

Hey all, my apologies for not getting a post up yesterday, but I worked about 10 hrs straight which was actually a light day for me, but given the fact that I got up at 5:00AM to go WORK OUT (woot!), I was pooped by 5:00PM. Yes, you read that right  I actually set my alarm and when it went off at 5am, I got out of bed, shoehorned myself into my sexy black swimsuit and grabbed my keys so that I could head off to the gym.

To add insult to injury (the injury being that I had to squeeze into that sexy black swimsuit...I chose black of course for its slimming effect), God apparently saw fit to not allow my ex to see my email asking him not to park behind me so that I could take my car to the gym. This meant that after squeezing myself into the lovely black swimsuit (which has absolutely crap-o-licious support for my copious breastages), I had to squeeze myself into a tiny green Toyota Echo. At my size, it looked like the car was merely another layer to my beach ensemble (said copious breastages were in constant peril of pressing the horn I was packed in there so tightly). Knowing God as I do, I realized this was his way of saying “About darn time you got yourself back to the gym Missy and just in case you are thinking this will be the first and the last visit to the gym, you just remember that you are almost too big to fit in a damn car…got it? Good!”

Hearing the voice of God speak to you at 5am is a rather profound experience, but when he’s really laying into you like that….you listen! I offered up a silent bargain to God that if he would get me to the gym safely, and by “safely” I meant no traffic stops, accidents, flat tires, or any other incident that might mean even MORE people were going to see me in my sparkly black swimsuit (I can see the mug shot on The Smoking Gun’s website already), I would continue to go back to the gym for as long as it took. Fifteen minutes later I was pulling into the gym parking lot so he must have took me up on the offer. However, on the way over, I remembered that Erik mentioned his car had a habit of locking him in and that he had occasionally had to climb over the gear shift thingy to get out the right side of the car. Knowing that there was NO way I was going to manage that maneuver without seriously injuring myself, I sent up a quick “P.S.” to God further clarifying that “safely” now included not having to have the Jaws of life called out to get me out of the car once at the gym.

I got there a bit early so I used this extra time, after successfully opening the car door (Yea God!), to extricate myself from the Echo; believe me, this was a workout in itself! Next came the walk up the stairs and down the long corridor to the gym, yet another workout, but I managed to get to the pool in once piece.

When I stepped in the room where they have the pool, I was a bit concerned; it was rather warm, almost as if they had the heat on. I knew the pool was heated so I was already beginning to wonder how comfortable it was going to be. When I started using the pool, the heater was broken so I was used to it being lukewarm. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned it, but another issue I have with exercise is getting overheated. I have rosacea and not only will getting overheated cause my face to break out in the worst way, but getting overheated also tends to trigger migraines for me. I know I seem like I have an excuse for everything, but I swear...this is all medically documented. I would LOVE to be able to exercise and push myself as far as I could without worrying about stuff like this, but I know my body. At the time, I was really only worried about the rosacea because I hadn’t had a migraine in forever (ever since getting on blood pressure medication) and I can live with a breakout, but I’m not so ok with the migraines. I knew I had a full day of work ahead of me.

I took off my snazzy new short set that I’d worn over my swimsuit (Erik would call me “sporty spice” for the rest of the day when he saw me wearing it lol) and wobbled over to the edge of the pool. It was nicely heated and felt just a bit cooler than a hot tub actually and I think if the room had been a bit cooler, it would have felt great. I started the timer and got in. I started things off by doing some step work just to get my heart rate up. About 2-3 minutes of that and then I grabbed a noodle so that I could start “running” which is basically dog paddling really fast without using your hands. It does a nice job of getting my heart rate up and at this point that’s what is important. I did that for about 15 minutes and then did a breast stroke for another 10, ultimately slowing things down and finishing off with “leg lifts” to help strengthen my legs. With the resistance, this seems to be a good exercise for both my inner and outer thighs, but it also tests my core strength because I have to keep my torso balanced as I move my legs.

Honestly, outside of getting WAY overheated…I spent most of my time in the pool facing two windows that I had wished I had opened before starting…I didn’t feel like I had done much at all. I had a few moments where I could feel my knee kind of get torqued and made mental notes to myself about what NOT to do next time. It was when I went to get out of the pool that I started praying again. I could feel every single pound pulling on my poor skeleton as I hauled my body out of the water. WOW! Going from the buoyancy of the water and feeling the effects of gravity once more made the walk from the pool to the shower feel as if I had doubled my weight in the last 30 minutes. I took that as a last “P.S” from God to make sure I made my next workout appointment the following week.

As the day progressed, I really did feel the workout. It was more muscle fatigue than soreness though. I did end up with the start of a migraine, but took my migraine meds and it went away. I will just have to open up those windows next time. Right now, I think they will offer enough cool air to counteract the sauna feeling of the heater and heated pool together.

Later in the day, I stepped on the scale. I know, I know….it was depressing as it showed I gained. I won’t say how much because I’m doing that competition, but it was depressing to see a gain. Honestly though, I had the burger incident and a few other incidents where I ate out and ate clean, but unless I’m cooking the food myself, I don’t trust the calorie counts. I just don’t see any other way I could have gained. I'm also suspect of those sparkpeople goals. I don't know, if anything I had more days where I was UNDER their totals so maybe that is the problem? Next week, I’m going to make sure that I eat nothing I don’t actually cook for myself, log EVERYTHING and post it here. If I don’t lose weight next week, maybe you guys can help me figure out what the heck I’m doing wrong.

I’m a little nervous because the last time I really tried to lose weight, it came off SUPER slowly. In three months of watching what I ate and spending 6 days a week in the gym doing boot camp style workouts, I lost only 20 lbs. I got down to 419 and then plateaued. At the time, I really was sure it was because I was packing on the muscle. I had never worked out so hard so I chalked it up to that. Now, I’m a little worried that maybe there is something wonky going on with the PCOS. I know as you get heavier, your ability to lose weight gets harder due to the issues with insulin resistance and other related problems. If I can’t seem to lose weight next week, I think I may have to resort to a low carb diet.

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