Christmas Cookie Hell...hell...hell...hell

They are going to be the death of me people. We decided we were going to do a bit of baking. I am used to doing quite a bit of baking around this time of year, but just didn't feel strong enough and didn't want loads of cookies around to tempt any of us for weeks before Christmas. Well, I MISS the baking :( I decided that maybe I could make my least favorites and then wouldn't be as tempted but could still have a little fun so we decided to make our traditional "Bat Balls" (basically chocolate rum balls), peanut butter blossoms, and erik is making his spritz cookies.

Erik went shopping Sunday. Tanner tore into a box of nilla wafers (which is an ingredient used in the bat balls...btw, if I haven't mentioned before why they are called bat balls...tanner called them that because he didn't know the real name for them, but remembered the bottle of rum had a bat on it ;) and I happened to see it. It's that time of the month so my will power is at its weakest and my appetite at its worst so before I knew it, I had inhaled 7. Now that is MUCH less than I would have binged on in the past, but later I went back for 7 more AND had about 5 chocolate kisses ZOMG! Guess the binge eater is alive and well inside me after all :S I immediately texted erik and told him to hide them from me when he got home (which he did) and we've put off the actual baking until tomorrow.

Last night, we went to a friend's to have her color my hair, but we ended up getting side tracked making sugar cookies and decorating them. Those are Tanner's in the picture up there...I joked that it looked like a sugar cookie crime scene. It was loads of fun, we had a few gingerbread zombies, gingerbread inmates (in orange jumpsuits and numbers across their chest, as well as several very flower-looking snowflakes. Throughout the whole process, I had 2-3 unfrosted cookies and later when we got home I had two more. I knew I had to get a handle on this. Otherwise, I've been eating the way I should and I'm sure that even with the crap I've allowed, I'm still well under 2000 calories a day, but its the BEHAVIOR that worries me. I'm even questioning whether to do the baking tomorrow or leave it all until the day before Christmas so the temptation isn't around as long.

Today, I decided that I was just going to NOT allow myself to graze which is basically how I managed to consume so much crap over the last few days. I'm allowing myself three meals and two snacks and if ONE of those snacks is a cookie...that is all its going to be ONE cookie. Today I had one cookie and managed not to inhale the rest, but it wasn't easy!

I'm down to 325/327 (been going up and down between these two numbers the last week or so) and I really want to be at 317 by the end of the month so trying to keep that in mind when the cravings get horrible.

How are you guys handling all the treats? Avoidance, will power, stapling your mouth shut? Please, spill your secrets!

Sights & Sounds of Christmas

Every December, San Marcos, which is a town about 45 minutes north of San Antonio has a Christmas event called The Sights and Sounds of Christmas. San Marcos is actually where I went to college at Southwest Texas State University which has now just become Texas State University and, when Tanner was about 3 or 4 we moved there so that he could start preschool at the Texas School for the Deaf in Austin.

Needless to say, San Marcos holds many special memories for me. It was the place where I finally discovered what I wanted to be when I grew up. Once I had that focus, it was like nothing could stop me. I could get through just about anything, including a Physics class that scared the crap out of me and almost kept me from pursuing my degree in Communication Disorders to begin with. My time in college was probably one of the happiest periods of my young adult life. I was thinner (not “thin” but thinner), in great shape, excelling in my academic pursuits and feeling great about who I was inside and out. I had a new found confidence that had been lacking through most of my earlier years and while I always struggled with insecurities, I think I was most sure of myself at this time. So yeah…good times.

Later, when we moved back there to shorten the commute to TSD, I found that I really loved living in a smaller town; especially as a young mother. I used to take Tanner to the park there and Erik, Tanner and I would often go to the river and walk the trails after he got home from work. Tanner loved to stop and watch the ducks (well really, he often used them as target practice using pebbles he found alongside the river, but luckily at the age of 3 he hadn’t perfected his aim). Sometimes, we’d just sit by the river and watch it meander past us. Nature was always something that calmed Tanner down and having moments where I could enjoy this challenging kiddo meant the world to the young stressed out mom I was at the time.

San Marcos was also the place where my son went through his super hero phase, wearing a cape (which was really just a towel until he got the batman costume) AT ALL TIMES for at least two years straight. It was also where I began homeschooling him when we discovered TSD wasn’t going to be a good fit. I have fond memories of homeschooling get-togethers and all the friends we made in that network. I LOVED exploring concepts with Tanner and discovering that we shared a love for Science.

I also remember attending the Sights and Sounds of Christmas with Tanner several times over the years and seeing the wonder on his face at all the lights, manufactured “snowflakes” that would rain down as you entered the event area, petting zoo and more. This was the first time I’d been able to go with him in 5 years. The last time I took him, I had a difficult time navigating the area, but I made it. This time, I still had difficulty and had to rest my legs, but only after being on my feet for well over an hour. Five months ago, I could barely manage 5 minutes on my feet before needing to sit down.


I was a bit disappointed, because after standing in line for about 15 minutes waiting for the bus to get to the entrance, then standing in lines for admission, tokens, carousel, kettle corn, and hot chocolate (yes I sampled the latter, but they were mainly for tanner lol), it had been over an hour on my feet. They had nowhere to sit, so I found a curb and sat down. I had gone with my friend Shannon, her daughter Jordan, and their cousin Jeff (who is from Canada and has an ADORABLE Canadian accent “Eh?” He’s also just plain ol’ adorable, but sorry ladies, he’s spoken for…) and although I really felt I needed maybe 10 minutes to rest my legs, I felt bad making them wait, especially since Jordan didn’t have a jacket and it wasn’t getting any warmer. So, ultimately they decided to head over to the main ride area without me. I think they planned on coming back for me, but once they got there, they said it was so crowded, they knew if they came back for me, it would be too late, so I basically sat there for about an hour twiddling my thumbs. I was worried if I went looking for them, we’d cross somewhere and then play hell trying to meet back up to leave (cell phone service was out for ATT users in San Marcos for some reason).

When they finally made it back, it was time to go and Tanner remarked that he felt bad that I got left behind. I assured him that I was happy that he had a good time and that next year would be WAY different! He was going to have to get in shape, because HE was going to be the one trying to keep up with me ;) So, although I didn’t have the experience I hoped I’d have on my first major outing post-surgery, over the weekend I discovered that it brought up lots of wonderful memories and was yet one more small step towards reclaiming my life. Walking under the lights with Tanner, sharing a hot cocoa as we people watched and admired the lights, and yes…even sitting on a curb for an hour breathing in the crisp December air beats the heck out of another night in my recliner which is probably where you would have found me this time last year.

Christmas Update

I apologize that I'm so late in updating how Christmas went. It went about as well as Christmas can go when you have to work. I was able to get a few minutes away from the phones to go watch Tanner open his gifts. He was thrilled with what little we were able to get for him. He was most thrilled with what his Papa got for him (a new ocarina with music books and a ipod shuffle). We got him several new Zelda books in this series he is reading...they are more like graphic novels,a book that teaches him to draw zelda and a new sketch pad with pencils. We also had a few stocking stuffers for him (kiss playing cards, zelda mints, and of course lots and lots of candy!

I got erik a new cook book by Ina Garten (we actually refer to her as 'Gina lol). He has some mad crush on her and had asked for one of her cookbooks. Can't wait for him to try out a few of her recipes. He actually made this chicken breast stuffed with goat cheese and sundried tomatoes the other day. I thought it was ok but Tanner said it was HORRIBLE lol. No worrying about dad's feelings hehe. He has made some other stuff from her that turned out really good though. I also picked him up David Sedaris' new book. I was amazed at how freaking tiny it was!!

I got my beautiful flowers a few days before Christmas and of course Tanner's gift :) It turned out to be this little decorative thing that says "FAMILY" on it. It actually is very pretty and goes with our current decor very well. A lot of our colors are kind of tuscany type colors (burnt oranges, deep burgandies, browns, etc) and his gift matches everything perfectly. We found a place of honor for it atop our entertainment center, but we still have to take a picture with it. I'll post that as soon as we get it taken.

Erik and Tanner spent most of the days with his family at my sister in laws. It sounded like they had fun. My youngest nephew is so cute and from the pics, I can't believe how much the other two have grown! Childhood passes so fast :(

Uggh, I just finished this post and lost about half of it due to a blogger error :S In a nutshell, I detailed how I had torn a tendon in my left calf on Christmas day. I finally went to the doctor later that night and learned that it was some kind of vestigial tendon or something that only a certain percentage of the population even has. It usually POPS when someone who hasn't been active in a while overdoes it. Unfortunately, I didn't have a cool story about how my injury occurred. Basically I was standing at my kitchen counter fixing breakfast...lame! I have been trying to challenge myself over the last month...making myself stand for longer periods, not use the chair in the kitchen at the first sign of fatigue...that sort of thing. That morning, I could feel my calf muscle tightening up, but kept thinking i would stand for just a few seconds longer...as soon as I finished a certain task...then I took a step and POW...I felt and heard something POP in my calf. It was incredibly painful and made walking difficult of course.

The doctor gave me some muscle relaxers and pain pills and we discussed bariatric surgery. I can't remember how much I've actually gone into it on here, but this is something I've looked into in the past. I got as far as trying to lose the weight for the surgery and then it all fell apart...I can't really remember what caused it. In truth, I was afraid of having the surgery and probably latched on to the first excuse NOT to have it done. Well, after talking with this doctor, i think I've decided to check into it again. It is certainly something I'll be exploring here in the next few months. I just realize that I'm at a point where it may just be impossible to really get the ball rolling in the other direction on my own anymore. I seem to encounter injuries and other obstacles trying to make the smallest changes and its frustrating.

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Christmas Eve News

To celebrate my magically transformed attitude just in time for Christmas, I've decided to give semi-hourly updates. I'm starting this a bit late, but so far this is what I've recorded. I hope to record in real time from here on out:

8:00 AM: I'm working. Most of my customers are traveling and calling me for crazy requests like finding two alabama jersies in size L #8 along rt 231. Also have one co-worker hard at work tracking Santa along his route. He is currently in Japan.

10:00AM: Ok, so Tanner is so fricken' cute about what he "bought" at his school Christmas fair for us. He told me last night that it is "very beautiful" and he wants to set up the tripod and camera so that he can get a picture of Erik and I holding it. Remember when you got/made something for your parents and were SURE it was the absolute perfect gift? For me....it was a pair of purple plastic heart earrings...my grandmother tried to talk me out of them, but I remember thinking they were the most beautiful thing in the world and that my mom was going to LOVE them lol.

11:00AM: I have officially asked to get off early today. Looks like I'm first in the running yay! We'll see if they actually let me go. Tanner is napping and Erik is cleaning the kitchen in preparation of more cake baking and cookie making later tonight. Nothing like waiting until the last minute right? I guess it saved us from eating it all before it could be given away.

12:00PM: Tanner wants fudge for lunch. We offered a Lean Cuisine or Peanut butter sandwich with a small fudge chaser. He opted to take a nap instead.

1:20PM: Tanner is awake and demanding fudge. He won't take "Lean Cuisine" for an answer...stay tuned.

1:30PM: It's official, Tanner has declared a christmas eve hunger strike unless we give into his demands for a fudge only diet. We are currently in negotiations and hope to arrive at a settlement before things get too crazy.

2:49PM: Yay! I get off about an hour and a half early! On an entirely different subject...I peeked at my feedjit info and I'm always sorry. eta: I took out those particular phrases because it just dawned on me that actually putting those phrases in my blog is going to make it more likely for these freaks to find it.

5:25PM: Sorry I haven't updated in a few hours. I've been working on some layouts for my niece's christmas present. In the past few hours, Tanner has taken another nap since his dad and I are apparently boring the daylights out of him. Erik has reported that he dreamed he was at a Janet Jackson concert last night and she got tired and asked Erik to finish her concert. I told him that was the gayest dream he'd ever described to me. We've also spent quite a bit of our time listening to the worst Christmas station ever yet had the best time singing each song in the loungiest lizardiest style we could. We are having a sort of unspoken contest to see who can sing the cheesiest. So far, I think I'm winning


5:50PM: I just asked Erik if he could go get more coke. His answer: "Michelle, look at me:

I'm in the mood for cowbell...NO I can NOT go out for more coke!" That got a chuckle out of me lol.

7:40: watching White Christmas with Tanner. He needs a serious attitude readjustment. I think it is partly due to fudge withdrawal. I tried to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" with him; we made it as far as the pharmacy scene before he collapsed in a fit of tears. I think he is scarred for life. my work as a mother is done. guess I'll check out for today. Hope you all have a peaceful Christmas Eve and a lovely and safe Christmas day!