Rainy Days and Sundays always get me down

Just a quick note to let you know I’m still hanging in there. Tanner has NOT enjoyed his punishment which was pretty much restriction to his room for the last week. We have an ARD this Tuesday so keeping my fingers crossed about that. If I can find the emotional energy, I’ll try to blog a bit more about some of the stuff that’s been going through my mind the last week or so.

I haven’t weighed myself recently, but I haven’t been following any sort of a diet. There has been lots of comfort food sessions, but no real binges. We’ve eaten out more than I would have liked, but mainly because we are just so physically and mentally exhausted having Tanner at home 24/7 it is about the only way we can “comfort” ourselves. We also haven’t really had the energy to get to the store and shop.

Just today I decided I am going to get my ass on the treadmill no matter what it takes. Even if I’m only on it for 5 minutes, my goal right now is to get my strength up. If I’m not watching my diet as closely, I’m going to force myself on that damn thing at least once a day. I’m still extremely stressed out and I don’t know that I can commit to strict diet and exercise regime, but I refuse to do NOTHING because I know that I will just stagnate here until I hit rock bottom again which could be months from now. At least if I’m getting on that treadmill every day, my head is still somewhat in the game so to speak. I know that’s pretty lame, but that’s all I got in me at the moment.

Thanks for all the support with all the stuff going on with Tanner. It’s frustrating because we see this stretching out into the limitless future and have no idea what it means for tanner or for us. How am I going to reach this kid? I’ve spent his entire life trying to reach him. I know that he does CHOOSE to modify his behavior in certain circumstances, but it’s when he is really IN the moment he just can’t think rationally. We have always had high expectations about his behavior, but maybe we’ve insulated him too much? I don’t know what it’s going to take. Perhaps I can’t guard against the inevitable (him winding up in juvenile or worse). Some would say I may need to start facing facts and come to terms with what will probably happen, but it feels too much like I’m giving up on my son…on the future I want for him and giving into the future I see coming at us at full speed. I almost feel like the day that I give in and accept that life for him is the day I will truly just GIVE UP. I’ve lost my mom, most of my family, the only man I’ve ever loved, my dreams of growing old with someone, my dreams of building a family of my own. If I lose Tanner, I’ve lost it all. I know people have dealt with worse and recovered, but some days, I just don’t think I can take another loss. Today, while the rain beats on the dirty windows of my dumplex (really, its rather nice for a duplex lol), it just feels hopeless.

The fact that its freaking raining like a beast in San Antonio hasn’t helped my mood. For the most part, I’ve managed to stay “up” and have kept my sense of humor, but as most of you know…this blog is where I try to take my mask off and be “real.” Sometimes, you get the strong Michelle ready for anything and other days you get the Michelle who is struggling to make it through one more day. At least I haven’t had too many days like this lately.

Anyway, thanks for reading my ramblings. Hopefully, you are enjoying the tail end of your weekend wherever you are! xxx

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