Whenever I start to get too big for my britches (speaking completely figuratively of course) or begin to think “Who YOU lookin’ at” when I look in the mirror, I can always count on my pedicurist/manicurist to knock me down the obligatory peg or two. Lucky for me, I subject myself to this ritual at least once a month, twice if I’m working hard.

Some of my longtime readers might remember this story, this one, and this one. As much as I truly do enjoy the place I go to get my nails done…they certainly have a very different way of expressing their opinions on my weight loss journey. Lucky for them, I have a sense of humor.

Last Friday, I scheduled a day of beauty maintenance which included a stop at Ann’s to get my nails done. I don’t know why they call it “Ann’s” because I don’t think anyone that works there is named “Ann.” The two women that work there go by “Micky” and “Ruby” but I’m pretty sure those weren’t their given names, just the names I think they chose so we wouldn’t constantly stumble over the names they were born with. I like going to this particular salon because they actually do seem interested in getting to know their customers even with a language barrier and they are really nice people. We talk about our kids and when they start talking to each other in their native language, I never worry that they are talking about how horrible my feet are or how fat my fingers are.

I was actually having a lot of conflicted emotions while I was there going back and forth in my head about this new guy I was seeing and wondering if I was doing the right thing. I was trying to put on a brave face, as if I didn’t have a care in the world, but inside I was growing more and more uneasy. We had a day planned together the next day and I was just starting to feel all this anxiety and well, you know the rest of the story. I made it through getting my nails done talking to a childhood friend, Belinda who stopped by to get her nails done around the same time. About the time my nails were done, Belinda left and I went over to get my pedicure.

Micky apparently hadn’t done my pedicure since I’d lost all this weight. She had a baby around the time I started going back and Ruby took over doing my nails. I sat down in the chair, looking forward to relaxing and enjoying the chair massage. Micky came over and pulled a foot out to start taking off the polish and smiled up at me and said, “You lose lot of weight!” Smiling in that “Oh P’shaw!” way I said “Oh yeah, that” *rolls eyes* “I’ve lost some since I saw you last I think.” *BIG SMILE acting like Scarlet O’Hara saying “What? this old thing?”* She takes my calf in her hand and says “Yeah! I remembah’ you come in first time and” *puffing her cheeks out to emphasize this next bit* “your leg was MUCH BIGGAH!” Trying not to spit out the sip of water I’d just taken, I smile awkwardly and say “Thank you???” Taking that as her queue to bestow more back handed compliments upon me, Micky gives me a bigger smile and said “Oh Yeah! Your leg much smallah’ now! Used to be BIG, MUCH BIGGER! You look bettah’ now!” Again, I take a deep breath, sigh, smile and say “Thank you :)”

So, if anybody is worried that some day I might get a big head as my body continues to shrink; FEAR NOT…the faithful employees at Ann’s will keep me well grounded!

As usual, Michelle should learn to never say "Never"

I’ve sat down to write several times in the last week and have even gotten half way through a post several times only to leave it to come back to and just never got back. I think I’ve been struggling for a few reasons. First of all, whenever I say I’m NOT going to talk about something in my blog (most recently it’s been my love life), I find that it stifles the desire to write at all. Part of me feels as if it has been gagged and bound and thrown into the closet and the rest of me has to go on and act as if everything else is hunky dory and well, I’ve never been that great of a liar…ask anyone that knows me…my mom used to joke that she never had to pressure me to own up to a dishonesty because eventually, I’d just own up to it and spill my guts at her feet. My conscience has always been the size of Texas.

Anyway, I realize that there is nothing that says I have to share EVERYTHING here, but when I put these self-imposed stipulations on what I can and can’t talk about, it just seems to stifle the rest of me and anything I wind up writing sounds shallow, hollow and just dry as dirt. So, most of the writing I’ve done in the past week has found itself in the waste basket (of course they’ve actually found themselves in the Window’s recycle bin…I mean who actually rips paper out of a typewriter, crumples it up and pitches it in a waste basket anymore?)

So, I guess I’m just going to talk about whatever comes to mind and try not to edit myself too much for content and see where it gets me. Probably a novel of a post, but considering I seem to be posting once a week if I’m lucky, you guys are owed a nice long one. I’ll try to make it interesting :)

On the weight loss and exercise front, I am down to around 306-307 (YAY!), but have been pretty crappy about the exercise (BOO!). I’m super excited that I will be leaving the 300’s forever in hopefully a few weeks, but disappointed that I’ve been so lazy when it comes to the exercise. We just had some new neighbors move in next door and one of them is a young mom that seems super nice. Her kidlets are adorable as well and I was talking to her yesterday about maybe going walking with me. I may run over there later and see if she’d like to join Tanner and me.

I still want to get back on the P90 thing too. I was going fairly well (for a whole three days lol) and then got sidetracked, with work or some other convenient excuse I’m sure. I’m really starting to see my body change as the weight comes off and while I know NO amount of exercise is going to make this skin shrink up or give me the gorgeous ta-ta’s I want, it sure won’t hurt things and when I do get around to getting plastic surgery, at least I’ll have a nice firm shape to show off once everything is tightened back up. Here is one plastic surgeon.I’m evaluating. The link should take you to an article where she basically details the plastic surgery post-bariatric patients often opt for and even gives a time-line. Using her BMI calculator, I need to be around 185 lbs before we can talk about surgery. I’m going to see if I can get in to see her closer to 220 though because I have such a huge bone structure, she may want to revise when I’d be ready to start. Honestly, at 220 most people guessed me at 160. Maybe I just carry the weight well, but I also think I have the bone structure of a cro-magnon. I know I’m going to always be scarred for life, but I really don’t care at this point. I’m just looking forward to getting my body as close to what it should have been had I never put it through the yo-yo dieting of the last 35 years.

Now for the bits I’ve been avoiding…Yes, I am seeing someone at the moment. He is the writer/photographer/intellectual guy I met on one of the dating sites. You may remember that I had contacted him and one other man after closing my main account to see if they might be interested in being friends once I decided I wasn’t ready for a relationship. I heard back from both, but really only seemed to click with this particular man. We sent pages and pages of emails getting to know each other and discovering that we shared the same sense of humor, values, parenting ideology (he has a daughter about 9 days younger than Tanner), etc. We met several times as friends and the more I got to know him, the more I wanted to know. He is extremely sweet and thoughtful and unlike the few others I encountered in the online dating realm, completely respectful of my boundaries. This poor guy has had to deal with me slamming on the brakes time and time again in the last month or so as something would spook me, making me question whether I was doing the right thing in even pursuing a relationship period.

So far, it doesn’t take much to spook me apparently. I’ve already gotten the obvious questions about his sexuality out of the way and he took that like a champ assuring me that he is most definitely straight. Of course, having heard this before in my marriage and having countless other str8 spouses report the same from spouses in denial, I’m not as inclined to accept things at face value. However, I do believe him. Of course now I'm just waiting for him to admit a desire to dress up in my lingerie or perhaps as an adult baby with me playing the role as nanny. He's given me absolutely no reason to suspect something like this, but I guess I've been somewhat conditioned to expect the worst.

Despite all of this, I am finding that my hesitation and need to take things extremely slow probably have less to do with my experience in my marriage and more to do with my experiences as a young girl growing up in a body that looked years older than the girl inside.

Last night I was with him and all he did was kiss me and after a few minutes, I could feel the old need to bolt begin to build inside. I like him. I’m attracted to him (physically and otherwise) and I was enjoying the kiss; yet, all of a sudden…I just began to feel like I wanted to run and just keep running. He could sense this and just came out and asked me if I was ok. I was honest with him and explained how I was feeling and he immediately reassured me, sat back and just started talking to me. While sipping on some wine, we spent the next two or three hours just talking (about various things…not just my feelings or where we were headed, etc). Basically, we just enjoyed each other’s company, and he put no pressure on me for anything more than that. Our evening ended with a nice hug, a quick kiss and a final whispered reminder from him about how special he thought I was (yeah he’s that sweet). He seems ok with the snail’s pace our relationship seems to be moving so I’m going to try and just accept that maybe I actually found the elusive male who can control himself when he feels the outcome is worth the wait.

Who knows if this is the right time for me to be pursuing this? I am going to be looking more seriously into finalizing my divorce with Erik. Even though it is just a formality, I think it is a necessary formality; even if I wasn’t involved with someone and even though our living arrangement won’t change any time soon.

I have no idea where this is going with this other man and I’m honestly trying to not look too far into the future because that scares the hell out of me too. All I know is that I like this person for many reasons and while it may be the wrong time, I’d hate to pass on something promising because circumstances are less than ideal. Working through these issues is going to happen sooner or later and pausing things right now just means I’ll have to pick them up later; possibly with someone who won’t be as understanding or accommodating. And yes, I will be looking into finding a professional to talk to about all my “issues.” Not just in regards to my fears when it comes to men, but how that all relates to my weight issues because…duh! Doesn’t take a psychologist to see the connection there does it?

Half Way to Goal, Dropping Out and other changes

Hi guys, yes I have been very absent, but I have been very overwhelmed as well. I think I just decided to withdraw from school for the time being. I’m not so mad or disappointed about that, I just hate that it was an expensive lesson for me to learn. I’ve been so overwhelmed trying to work the same amount of hours (because Erik quit his day job) AND study AND be a mom AND …have a social life to some degree and it just isn’t working. Right now we don’t have a penny until Erik gets paid Friday and I know his check is going to be pretty paltry because he’s had to miss a few days when I had my lab along with some other days when Tanner was just having a bad day.

That’s the other issue…Tanner hasn’t adjusted all that well to all the change since we started school. All the days Erik has had to stay home, our evening routine disturbed because I’m always studying now. Both of us short of temper because we are both spread too thin (some of us more than others), etc. He’s had some outbursts at school that we haven’t seen in a while and his attitude at home has kind of started to suck as well. Yesterday though he cracked me up… I was on the phone with a friend and he was in his room playing his wii when his dad made his nightly phone call to touch base with him and say goodnight. Tanner missed the call, but was apparently VERY annoyed that Erik was calling. The next thing I know I hear Tanner saying:

“Dad! I was playing my game and you were CALLING and FREAKING DISTURBING ME! …ok I love you goodbye”

The first part was said in the snottiest voice I’ve ever heard him use and the final statement “ok I love you goodbye” as if the former hadn’t happened at all LOL. While I’m reaming Tanner a new one and insisting that he turn the game off and call his dad to apologize, I get the following text from Erik:

“Omg, I have to play Tans voicemail for you. Kid cracks me up!”

Apparently he thought Tanner was joking, but even when he found out he wasn’t, he still thought it was funny. Not to Tanner’s face of course, but behind his back, we played the voicemail a few times and got a good laugh out of it. Like I said in my facebook status: “Sometimes you have to laugh so they can make it to the ripe old age of 18.”

One thing that happened in the last week is that I hit my HALF WAY TO GOAL MARK!! I hit 312 last Friday and I’ve been hovering there ever since! I have been exercising more and stared P90, but that has been off and on as well, often taking a backseat to my studies. I definitely plan to get back with the program if I do decide to drop my classes (which has all pretty much been decided at this point). I can’t believe I have 12 more pounds to lose to get under 300 lbs for the first time since Tanner was born back in 1995. As a matter of fact, 312 was the weight I was at WHEN I entered the hospital to have Tanner, so this is a milestone in more ways than one really. I remembered when I was between 440 and 465 thinking it was ridiculous that I fantasized about weighing what I weighed when I was pregnant. I mean, who does that?

Other than being extremely stressed out, I’ve been feeling great. I’ve been getting out and actually had a lovely evening out for dinner Friday night ;) And that’s all I’m going to say about that!

Thanks for hanging in there with me even though I’ve been horrible about updating as of late. I would imagine that will change. I’ve been sorting through a LOT in my head the last week or so and I expect to do quite a bit of my typical “blogging it out” over the next week.