Looking Forward

I’ve recently been trying to get my blogging mojo back.  There’s a book in me somewhere.  I have a vague idea about what direction it might take, but the actual story?  I’m waiting for that.  I am obviously not having a problem with writer’s block…that isn’t why it hasn’t taken on a life of its own just yet.  I just feel strongly that I’m not quite where I need to be to write the Story that is simmering at the edge of my self consciousness. 

I’ve thought about the form it might take.  Would it address my weight loss journey, my spiritual or emotional journey, my ability to deal with difficulties using humor, my adventures as a mother raising a son with multiple special needs?  Would it be about my successes, my failures and what I’ve learned from both?  Maybe it will be about the complexities I faced in my marriage and my sometimes patient, oftentimes not so patient search for the individual I know God has placed in my future to be discovered in His time and according to His plan for my life?

A good friend of mine read yesterday’s post at my request.  I asked him to because I value his insight and honesty and something was urging me to request his guidance…the mirror he holds up for me when I need it regardless of whether I want to look or not.  Here was his take:

Hey Lady…That is your journey!  Ain’t nothing wrong with autobiography!!!  Let me challenge you from a different perspective.

In the Bible, Lot’s wife was gripped by the past and died looking back…

Israel remained in the wilderness wandering for 40 years grumbling and complaining against God’s leadership…Him taking them a way and to a place they had never been before…Joshua 3.  They were fixed on what they had in Egypt…The onions and leeks and garlic!  Now they were in a position where they had to believe God for provision and direction!  He led them with a clod by day and fire by night.  Not rational right???  Would work our nerves, but he revealed himself according to their experiences…That’s how we got all these different names for God…Adonai, Elohim, Jehovah, Jireh, etc.

I sais ALLLL that to say this:

Consider writing about the uncharted, obscure and unpredictable future!!!  Frame your future with your words and scripture!!!  Thank God for the past!!!  It’s made you who you are.  However, study and application of the scripture, meditation and confession will make you who you are yet to become!

Try it…Much more difficult to write along these lines.  Will conjure emotions, but I guarantee, you will find it liberating and will liberate others in the obscurity called our future!!!

Did he lay the spiritual smackdown on me or what?  I’m still processing his words, studying these stories and trying to wrap my brain around what my writing will look like when I challenge myself to do as he’s advised.

Something tells me whatever I have in me to write about won’t be about any ONE thing.  It won’t be reflective entirely because while it is important to understand one’s past in order to craft a future without repeating old patterns, old mistakes…I know that as long as I’m looking over my shoulder, I can’t focus on what’s ahead of me…what God has in store for me. 

I read in another blog yesterday someone who pointed out the fact that there is good reason our vehicles have a huge front window and a small rear-view mirror…because what is ahead of us is so much more important than what lies behind.  God is definitely sending me a message lol.

Here’s to looking ahead with excitement, joy and anticipation solid in the knowledge that He can dream bigger and imagine a future that will blow away anything I might dream or imagine for myself.

 I probably won't be ending all my posts with a scriptural reference, but this seems appropriate.  It has kind of become my own personal mantra in recent years and continues to comfort me, give me hope and direct my steps forward when the way looks unclear:

 Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 

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Every Morning's Sunrise...

As a prelude to today's post, I share the following video with you:

I’ve had a rough couple of weeks.  Like anyone, I have good days and bad.  In my old age, I’ve gotten better at finding perspective and coping with the bad, but I won’t lie…I’ve had some difficulty bouncing back recently.  I went to bed last night dreading the storms forecasted for this weekend because I knew it wasn’t going to help my mood.  This morning, I woke up to a room that was darker than it should be and blaming the clouds I assumed were the culprit, I grumpily made my way to my patio for my daily prayer-time.  I opened to door to a beautiful sunrise amidst some rather ominous clouds and smiled at finding some beauty at the beginning of my day.

In the last 4 years, I’ve often been accused of seeing the world through rose colored glasses.  I’ve been called a “Pollyanna” by some. Friends often chastise me for being a “doormat” because I often give people the benefit of the doubt way beyond what they deserve; I’m often told that I need to handle particular situations in my life with a “firm hand” and take more opportunities to “give people a piece of my mind.” 

Some see this aspect of my personality as a weakness; a character flaw to be dealt with and remedied.  I used to feel the same way.  In younger years, I learned a lot of hard lessons because of my rose colored glasses; that people will take advantage of you…that life will often disappoint you…that sometimes people will never rise to the potential you see in them no matter what you do or how supportive you might be.

In my 20’s I was much thinner than I am now.  I worked out like a fiend so I was very fit, but never petite.  I look at pictures of myself then and see a beautiful girl, but I remember what it was like to look in a mirror back then.  I didn’t see that girl looking back at me.  I noticed her flaws…that her face was chubby, that her eyes squinted if she smiled too big (due to healthy cheeks ;), that her thighs were dimpled, her hair a crazy mess of curls, her boobs were ridiculously oversized, her butt flat as a pancake, her tummy never quite flat enough…you name it.  I couldn’t take a compliment and assumed anyone who complimented me had ulterior motives for doing so.  Even worse, I would often discount their compliment with some negative statement “Thanks, but my hair has a mind of its own today” or “Thanks, but I’ve actually gained 5 pounds this month.”

I know now, my inability to see an accurate reflection in the mirror had nothing to do with what I was *seeing*, but with what I was *feeling*.  That young girl felt ugly inside and out.  She felt unworthy of praise because if they knew what she looked like on the inside, they wouldn’t have offered that compliment so easily. 

Over the years, I continued to experience a life that was anything but easy.  I put my rose-colored glasses away and began to believe that inner voice that reminded me of my flaws on a daily basis.  I “toughened up,” let a lot of things get to me, held on to offenses, found it more and more difficult to forgive and forget.  Nobody was going to use me as a door mat anymore or take me for granted.  I thought I was a stronger individual for these changes.  Despite this assumption, I grew increasingly unhappy and bitter with life in general and my body became a visual representation of what was going on inside it.  I wish I had the courage to post one of my “before” pictures.  Who knows, by the end of this, I might find the courage.  If I do, I think anyone would be able to see the sadness in my eyes, the utter hopelessness I felt at that time.

Fast forward to now…yes, I’ve lost over 200 lbs, but I’m still not as thin as that pretty young girl in her 20’s.  However, in the past 5 years, I’ve come to terms with a lot of what was going through that young girl’s mind; come to terms with a lot of what made her feel so thoroughly unhappy with the reflection in the mirror.  As I shed each pound, I discovered parts of myself that legitimately needed some work.  Some of my discovery was that other parts were fine just the way they were no matter how someone else might define them and I learned to embrace those aspects of myself; nurture them and watch them blossom.  About a year ago, I was taking stock of my life and posted this on my blog:

“In the last two years I’ve gone from wearing 8x tshirts to squeezing into 18-20’s. I’ve gone from carrying a chair with me when I go shopping to canoeing down a river with my son and planning a trip to Fiesta Texas where I plan to ride every ride with him. I’ve made a ton of new friends, dated my heart out (almost literally) and learned that ultimately, the most valuable opinion of my self-worth is what I define guided by my creator.”

In short, even though that girl in my 20’s was probably prettier, thinner, more fit, had fewer wrinkles, etc. I realized writing the post referenced above that I wouldn’t trade the Michelle I am today for the Michelle I was in my 20’s no matter how much better she might have looked on the outside.  The Michelle I am today is leaps and bounds happier than the Michelle I was in my 20’s DESPITE having challenges the younger Michelle never dreamed would present themselves in her future. 

I attribute this perspective shift largely to my renewed relationship with God.  Luckily, I began to rebuild that relationship around the time I started to take a good hard look at myself.  I say “Luckily” because he’s helping me find a balance.  He encouraged me to get those rose-colored glasses out of the drawer and showed me that they were a gift from Him.  They allow me to find joy and beauty in each day no matter what the day might bring; and trust me…he knew I was going to have some days when it was going to be very difficult to find the joy.  He reminded me that it isn’t weakness to find the saint within the sinner or expect more out of individuals than they might currently demonstrate they are capable of, because they can often surprise us…we can often surprise ourselves. 

In the best interest of balance, I’ve also learned to rely on him to help discern the reality of the situation from how I might wish to see things.  While there is value in finding the silver lining, we can also hinder growth when we refuse to see the truth of a situation or circumstance.  There can be valuable lessons to learn when faced with challenging circumstances or trials. 

He’s taught me that there is forgiveness when I, or those around me, fall short of His vision for us as long as we don’t mind his gentle and sometimes not so gentle nudges when we get off the path he’s laid before us.  Finally,  He’s taught me to accept and embrace the person I am, the person He created me to be…to see myself as He sees me and ultimately define my worth based on His vision and not on my sometimes flawed vision or the flawed vision of those around me.

While we may begin this journey with an exterior that reflects our insecurities, each pound gained often represented by some negative emotion or circumstance we experienced, hopefully each pound lost will help us uncover the person, inside and out, we were meant to be.  Most of us know, it isn’t easy.  Not just to lose the weight, but to come to terms with how we got there in the first place.

Today I’m grateful for my rose-colored glasses and the true happiness I feel even when the forecast predicts thunderstorms because I know there is a beautiful sunrise in my future.  Today I choose to remember the promise of the sunrise and be thankful for the cleansing nature of the rain to come.

This is the sunrise from my patio this morning:

Psalm 139: 13-14

For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.

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A New Blog, A New Chapter

I will explain more, but I have a friend waiting on going for a walk with me. For now, I'm posting two posts...one that was posted on a blog over on my myfitnesspal account yesterday and one that i will be posting today. I'm hoping this will be the first of many as I hit the "home stretch." I've missed you guys...

I’ve been blogging for several years as I worked my way through the difficulties of trying to shed weight the old fashioned way…diet and exercise. I had several health problems that made this difficult. Don’t get me wrong, I got to my top weight because I had horrible eating habits, used food to cope with a variety of emotions and stress, and led a very sedentary life. The health problems (PCOS and chiari malformation) facilitated weight gain because they made it difficult to exercise without causing symptoms and contributed to a ravenous appetite. Throw in a few personal tragedies and it just made for the perfect storm in terms of weight gain.

My old blog chronicled approximately a three year period where I discussed and explored how I arrived in super super obese territory, how it affected my life and how difficult it was to claw my way back to the land of the living. I finally made the decision to go ahead with bariatric surgery June 30th, 2010 when it became obvious that I just wasn’t going to be able to do it the “old fashioned way;” I was too beat down, overwhelmed, call it what you like…but I just couldn’t sustain the motivation necessary to achieve the kind of momentum I needed to tackle a 300 lb weight loss.

 I don’t regret my decision for a second. Since my surgery (gastric sleeve), I’ve managed to lose two thirds of the fat person I carried around with me for most of my life. Over the last 3-4 years, I’ve had to re-discover myself and deal with issues that my weight had insulated me from for years.

 For about the last year and a half, I’ve been in kind of a holding pattern. I think I may have been taking some time to assimilate all of the change I’d gone through, physically, spiritually, and emotionally. I really needed time to “take stock” of who I was, who I was becoming and who I wanted to be. Which brings us to now.

 I’m not sure I’ve figured all that out quite yet, but I’m getting there; I don’t really expect to reach a destination where that journey is concerned though…really, should we ever reach a destination when it comes to personal growth? All I know is that I have come a looooooong way in self-acceptance and self-awareness and think I’m ready to get this last 100 lbs off.

 The other day, I logged my weight and adjusted my ticker so that it would read the amount of weight I had left to lose instead of the amount of weight I’d lost up to this point. Seeing that number – 91lbs.- it hit me…how “close” I am to reaching my goal. For some of you, 91 lbs is a LOT of weight. Many people start their weight loss journey hoping to lose a total less than that, but for someone who began this journey needing to lose 300 lbs…to have less than a 100 lbs left to lose is a milestone in and of itself. Surgery or no surgery, I know this last 100 is going to be the toughest to get off, but I’m hopeful that I’m finally in the frame of mind I need to be in to handle the joys and challenges the next year will likely bring. I suppose I’m hoping this new blog will chronicle the next chapter of my life. We shall see ;)

Enough

Hi. It’s me. Sorry I’ve been so neglectful of my blog. I don’t really have a good excuse. I’ve been trying to figure out why it was so hard to log back in and post an update. I think I finally figured out that there may be a few reasons, but none of them really going into. The biggest reason is probably because this blog was always about taking a long hard look at myself and I think I’ve been avoiding that mirror because I’m not entirely sure I’m going to like what I see. I know I won’t despise what I see, but I’m not quite to the point I thought I was; where I could look myself dead in the eye with confidence and be satisfied with the woman who was reflected back. I can’t say I’m worse off. I’m still working the same job and enjoy going to work every day. I haven’t lost much more weight, but I haven’t gained either. I’m still dating the same man and while I know he cares for me as much as he can, I don’t know that my relationship with him is a whole lot different than the relationship I had with Erik. He treats me well, but in so many ways, I find myself struggling with a lot of the same relationship issues: feeling like everything is more on his terms, feeling like I give more than I get, yearning for a connection that just isn’t there. I’ve been talking to him more and more about how I feel even though I know it is difficult for him; hoping that he’ll…I don’t know what I’m hoping he’ll do honestly…I guess I’m hoping that he’ll magically transform into the man I want him to be. A few weekends ago, I just broke down and really talked about what it was like being married to Erik. Loving him so much, turning myself inside and out trying to be the person that he could love in the same way yet never quite being …enough; no matter what I did. I was honest with him and told him that sometimes, the things he did, the way he reacted or the things he said put me right back in those moments where I felt I was lacking something that would elude me forever. He instantly responded with “you are enough.” Later that night, as I was headed home, he sent me a link with “song #6.” I thought he was just sending me some song he liked (that I’d probably hate…we do NOT have the same taste in music lol) because he’s not the sort of dude to send a girl a song that reminded him of her. I got home and initially couldn’t pull up the link. I finally found it and saw the title “Like Jesus Does.” I’d never heard it or the artist that sang it so I still wasn’t expecting the song that started when I pulled it up on youtube. It touched me, but it also wasn’t lost on me that it was more about how I made him feel; not so much how he felt about me. Since that weekend, I’ve done a lot of thinking and the hardest realization I came to was that while it did mean a lot to me to have him look me dead in the eye, reach for my hand and tell me that I was enough and later follow it up with the sweet text with the song, I’m just not sure that its “enough” for me. He’s never said the words “I love you.” I’ve only said it a few times myself and each time he pulls me close and kisses the top of my head, but he never answers in kind. I realized long ago, that my penchant for going after emotionally unavailable men had everything to do with my self-esteem issues. If I could just make them love me, it would validate me in some way I needed validation. I never thought of myself as a girl with “daddy issues,” but I’ve come to realize that is exactly what my problem is. I spent a lot of my childhood wondering how my father could watch another year go by, another birthday, Christmas, graduation, all those milestones…and not wonder about me. Part of me, even then, was trying to be someone he could be proud of; if and when he ever tried to look for me. What I didn’t know until I was about 21 was that, not only had my father passed away when I was around 13, but he had been fed lies that led him to believe he wasn’t even my father so…all that time, he wasn’t thinking about me at all. So, I guess I’m a big ol’ cliché; repeating the same patterns over and over again in my relationships trying to finally make daddy love me. Obviously, that is only one thing I have to work on where my head is concerned. I’ve started seeing a therapist though; I have my second visit with him tomorrow. I’m supposed to describe my vision of a “happy life.” Honestly, I’m a much happier person for the most part. The things that would make me happiest aren’t things I can do much about and aren’t likely to change. So, all I can do is work on the parts that I do have control over. Guess I’ll just keep on keepin’ on and see where I wind up.