My Progress!

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Migraine Brain

This has to be the third time I’ve started this post. I get more than halfway through it and just find myself bored silly so I think, “If I’m bored and it is MY life, how am I going to expect anyone else to spend the few minutes it will take to read through it.” I suppose there is something to say for having a few hum drum days. Sunday actually wasn’t so humdrum. I tried to visit the pool with Shannon. Incidentally she is having her surgery tomorrow, please keep her in your prayers. I’m so excited to see what this next year has in store for her :D! I had a great time, but left with the beginnings of what would become a horrendous migraine. I sort of spend most days with some kind of throbbing at the base of my skull/neck and I’ve just had to get to the point where I take my meds and continue with my life and hope whatever I do doesn’t exacerbate the problem. Occasionally, I wind up with the sort of migraine that sends me fetal for hours/days. This was one of those times, thankfully, it was just for the evening.

Erik ended up coming home at some point because I was so sick. He was so worried, he actually climbed into bed with me just to rub my head and try to offer some comfort…sweet, but strange too. I don’t think we’ve had a moment like that in a very long time. Totally platonic of course, it honestly felt like having my brother or uncle comfort me which was kind of a surprising revelation for me, but it was sweet nonetheless and just nice to feel as if someone cared that I was hurting.

By the next morning I was feeling better; still had a dull throb, but managed to get up and go for my morning walk which left me feeling relaxed and ready for the rest of the day. I’m finding that the morning walk is fast becoming my morning meditation period. I mostly have pretty chill music on my ipod so I sort of lose myself in the music…breathing in the cool morning air and exhaling in time with each step, feeling my calves and thighs begin to ache with the brisk pace I can now manage. I’ve mapped out a mile around my neighborhood and I’m managing to complete it in about 20-25 minutes. Today, I went for a second walk (the same distance) at lunch and then went to my water aerobics class this evening. I have to pick Erik up from work after midnight and I found myself considering one more walk around the neighborhood maybe before I go get him.

I know, I know…it sounds excessive. Maybe it is, but it relaxes me and, like I said, its almost like valium or something for me right now. I suppose a walk is better than a glass of wine or a hoho right? So, if I’m going to reach for some healthier coping mechanisms to manage the stress I’m under, I suppose exercise is better than other options as long as I’m careful and don’t injure myself. I’m being careful.

Oh! I almost forgot (part of migraine brain…I have moments where I can think very clearly and others where I stop and start a hundred times), I also realized something while I was fetal with Sunday’s migraine; part of some of the emotional upheaval and lability I’ve been experienced can also be contributed to my migraines resurfacing. It dawned on me that when I was having them like this years ago, I had the same problems. Living with the chronic pain is one thing, but it also plays with your normal routine, sleep cycle, ability to think clearly, attend to things, etc. I went from feeling on top of the world emotionally and physically to coping again with a chronic illness; I think that would depress the biggest optimist. So, I’m going to do my best to cut myself some slack and cut down on the negative self talk that seems to be on a loop in my head 24/7. I’m not blaming everything on the migraines, but I know that they are seriously affecting my ability to cope and address various issues in my life with any sort of success.

I had my last MRI and CSF flow study last Friday (did I mention that? See migraine brain) and I will see the neurosurgeon next Monday, the 23rd to see what he has to say. I predict he isn’t going to have much to offer. This last MRI was to see if I had developed any kind of cyst on my thoracic portion of the spinal cord; I guess they are common with people who have chiari malformation. From the report on the cervical MRI (the neck), I remember reading specifically that they didn’t see a cyst; I think they call it a “syrinx.” Anyway, as I type this I feel my neck stiffening up so I’m going to get away from the computer, take my meds and maybe just take it easy for the rest of the night

Hope you all are having an amazing week; take care xx


Diana said...

I'm so sorry about the migraines. I only had what I guess was a migraine a couple times in my life. The type where I had to lie down in dark room and no noise because it was excruciating (and the fetal position). Hopefully it clears up and you're back to your healthy self.

You have that negative self-talk loop in your head too? Sometimes I think it just must be me, always finding fault with myself. We both need to cut it out, although it's a hard habit to break. I've been trying for years (so far, not too successful). :)

Erik sounds sweet. He really does care for you. You seem to have come to terms with his type of love. That's a huge step in coming to peace with it.

Take care of yourself and get well soon!

Joy said...

Migraines can be a huge disruption to your life so I def. feel for you there :( I'm glad Erik was there for you and made you feel better. It's nice to have someone around us who cares, platonic or not. I know it may not be easy when dealing with migraines, but just try to stay positive; I really hope the neurologist is able to do something for you, and please keep us updated. You know how us bloggy peeps worry about each other ;) All the best!

Cindarella said...

I hope that you start feeling better I hate when they get that bad... I get them once in a blue moon and mine are always stress related... boo!!! I think it is great that you are finding peace in walking... I wish I was more like you... it still feels like a chore to me...