My Progress!

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

What does Elvis have to do with anything?

Ok, so at least one person was fairly upset at my assertion yesterday that Elvis may have been gay. Another held up comments by other actresses who claimed he was a great lover, etc. I still say there is plenty of room to question his sexuality. I probably could have said the same thing about Erik until I discovered graphic examples of what he truly preferred sexually. I'm not going to debate the Elvis thing because it's really only my speculation.

One thing that I've been struggling with lately, and it actually is quite common in straight spouses, is almost a type of homophobia. You can ask anyone that knows me...I was probably the least homophobic person in their circle. As a matter of fact, in college, I wrote a speech arguing for Gay Marriage (back in the early 90's) and afterwards, I had some hard core texan good ol' boys come up to me to say that although they didn't agree with gay marriage, my speech had really gotten them thinking. What is ironic is I remember practicing my speech for Erik of all people. It is times like that I have to think "WHAT was going through his head at that time?" What was he thinking as he heard me give this speech knowing that he had this SSA? At this time, we were both about 22. God, I can't help wondering "what if he had just broken down and told me then?" How different our lives would have been.

So, back to being homophobic. I know it is irrational, but I guess some of my anger at this whole situation gets unfairly transferred to the entire gay population. Gay people I know, I'm alright with. It is the gay person I don't know...some friend in Erik's new circle of friends...some stranger I happen to interact with on the rare occasions I'm out. It is those people I feel myself directing some of my anger too. I KNOW it doesn't belong there which is why I try to be as aware of it as possible, but it is difficult to get past sometimes.

I joke now that "I SEE GAY PEOPLE." And I do, pretty much everyone is assumed to be gay unless proven otherwise now. I don't trust my own judgement which is probably another reason why I'm not in any hurry to get involved with anyone anytime soon. Someone commented that Erik wasn't the only one who could date...that I could too. I know this, but ...I don't know...I feel like I was so completely DELUDED about the sort of relationship Erik and I had. I knew something was wrong, but on the other hand, I romanticized SO much about our relationship....we were meant for each other, etc...maybe I was trying to find meaning or give meaning to some of the things that just didn't add up. Honestly, most gay people are just as appalled that someone would marry someone without being upfront about their SSA. What is really frustrating though is that whenever this sort of situation is addressed publicly...everybody feels all this empathy for the GAY spouse and I just don't get that at all. The GAY spouse was the coward, the liar, the person who defrauded an innocent woman or man and wasted the best years of their lives (for the most part) in a marriage they KNEW they had no business being in. The straight spouse is often an afterthought. I will never understand why people are so often inclined to feel all this compassion for the gay spouse.

Part of me wants Erik to find someone, fall in love and FEEL the attachment, connection, etc with another person. I want him to find some man that he can finally have that TRUE connection with,know true intimacy with and then I want him to feel the crushing heartache as the relationship unravels. I want him to know the devastation of having someone he loved as deeply as he's ever loved anyone reject him and toss him aside. And I hate myself for feeling this way.

This is where I find myself lately...vacillating between the relationship we have now and the detritus and fallout of what was. Simultaneously forgiving him and crucifying him over and over and over again. Maybe I need to see about talking this out with a therapist or something. Someone who can help me sort through all these feelings and put them behind me once and for all because I really really really do want to get on with my life.

Wow! I had NO intention of going HERE today. I've sat here for the last 5 minutes struggling with my finger hovered over the delete button, but I'm going to go ahead and just post it.

As a mini update on things: I didn't hear back from the doctor today so we'll see if she gets in touch with me before the end of the week.

TODAYS CHALLENGE: is from T.S. I walked circles around my kitchen island while dinner was cooking this evening. Granted, it wasn't for very long, but it beats sitting in a chair :) Thanks everyone for the challenges so far! Keep them coming. I'm off the next two days so I'm going to get an actual jar made up and will add your challenges as I get them.



KrysTros said...

I think that the issues you have with Erik and the back and forth of wanting him to find someone but scared that he will, will stay with you until you two finally separate and BOTH move forward. This is normal. You are ok. Everyone feels like this until they decide to move on themselves.

On another note, I am doing small resolutions. This month just making sure I take all meds/vitamins and supplements daily. I decided that starting next week I will make weekly resolutions to go along with it. How hard is it to stick to something for a week?

Anonymous said...

Play catch with T and E.