New Job, New Joys, New Challenges

Picture above taken this past Thursday at my new work. The mustaches were worn to surprise our trainer. Long story, but she's AMAZING and it was her birthday so we all wore her favorite color (pink) and wore the mustaches. Can't say this is very flattering, but I thought you guys might enjoy it.

First, I want to apologize to anyone who might have been worried about me. There are numerous reasons why I haven’t been posting. Some are good and some…not so good. Some of the things I will share with you and some will go with me to my grave lol…unless I ever get around to writing that book.

For the most part, things have been good. I am still hovering around 285 which is annoying the crap out of me, but I’m hoping to get back into my work out routine and hope to start seeing results. I have a vacation coming up in October (going to Florida for the Straight Spouse Network annual gathering..my first and I can’t wait). I’m going to stay focused on that and just challenge myself to try to have at least another 20 lbs off by the time I go.

Some of the good stuff: I have a new job! I got a job with a major online university and just finished my third week of training. I absolutely am LOVING it! I’m a bit nervous about starting for real on Monday, but I’m sure I can do this. I’ll be working as an enrollment advisor and handle the masters and PhD programs for most of their psychology/human services degrees. It was a substantial raise for me so making more money is sure going to be nice.

Because of the new job, Erik had to move back in. It was just too hard to figure out how we were going to juggle tanner with me working outside the home. We are considering moving, but at the moment, I’m still trying to catch up financially so may put this off a while.

Some other good things…I think I’ve managed to get over my fear of straight men. This could be a good or a bad thing depending on your perspective though lol. I’ve been dating quite a bit, had some interesting experiences, did a few things I thought I’d never do, but have no regrets so far. At the moment, I have a few people I’m dating somewhat regularly, but only one that I would really probably drop everything for. I just figured out some time after my last blog post that I just didn’t want to be tied down. I can’t explain it because I was always a one man woman, couldn’t see myself dating numerous people at one time, etc. Now, the thought of getting involved with just one person just makes me feel claustrophobic…like I can’t get air or something. So far, the guys I’m dating don’t have a problem with me seeing other people so it is working for now and honestly…I’m LOVING it lol.

Of course, the guy I think I could eventually convince me into an exclusive relationship at some point is the one that is the most unavailable. He is involved with a church here in SA and is pretty busy. Most of the time he is available, I’m working and vice versa. We had been chatting for several months, probably since January…off and on, very superficial because of how busy he was and I honestly thought he was just interested in friendship so no big deal. I joked about how I was eventually going to get him out and about socially, but usually anytime I tried to get him to go out, he had an event or something. We’d stop communicating and then a few weeks to a month later I’d hear from him again. Anyway, he contacted me several weeks ago just to see how I was doing and we started talking a bit more. I gave him my number again and after 2-3 days of virtually non-stop texting we decided to meet. All I can say is there is this mad, crazy chemistry with this guy on every possible level. He’s brilliant of course, has a lot of varied interests, eclectic in many ways, great taste in music and an amazing sense of humor that just plays naturally off mine. I just don’t know where its going to go. We had long text conversations about the chemistry and about the fact that his schedule wasn’t going to change and that meant it probably wasn’t going to be good for a serious sort of relationship, but neither one of us is really interested in anything too serious for the time being. We ultimately decided that we would continue to see each other when he was available and see where things went. I can continue to date others and he can too.

The night we met face to face we talked about our “pickers;” you know, the inner compass that leads you to individuals for romantic purposes? He mentioned that his counselor had told him he needed to not date for at least a year post divorce (he’s about midway through) because his picker was off. I asked him who he tended to pick and he said “girls that need to be rescued.” Now some of you might say his picker is still off lol, but I don’t think so. I can rescue myself and I have time and time again over the last several years. So, I told him that I didn’t fall into that category, that if I ever needed rescuing, I’d take care of it myself. Of course, he then asked me what was wrong with my picker. I had already told him about Erik because, being a youth minister, etc I wasn’t sure how he would take it all. I told him that I had a habit of picking gay men. His response was interesting; he said “Well, I can assure you I’m not gay, BUT I am fairly unavailable to you in other ways…you may need to think about that.” And he’s right…why is the guy who is most unavailable the one that is driving me crazy because I can’t get him out of my head? Why do we (I) chase the ones that keep us at a distance?

I’m going to start back with a counselor, so hopefully I can figure some of this out. Another guy I see now and then is another writer. He’s written one book and was working on another when his computer was stolen this week :(. He had talked about sending me what he’d written to review, but didn’t get around to doing it…I’m heart sick for him. I couldn’t imagine working that hard on something and then losing it. He is retired military and worked intel doing some kind of linguistics something or other for them, so yeah he’s pretty brilliant as well. I met him through some of the meetup stuff I go to and we have a ton of things in common. He has an autistic son about Tanner’s age and was a punker in high school as well so we have fun reminiscing about all the great music we loved as kids.

Another new friend is a real sweetheart. Has a 10 year old daughter that he dotes on, so I love that he enjoys his role as a dad so much. I’ve only been talking to him for a few weeks, but we can literally talk for hours on end without ever repeating ourselves. He works IT, but as I get to know him, I suspect he is one of those people that soaks up knowledge. We went to play pool the other night and he was explaining the physics of the game; like how to hit the ball where to get a certain kind of spin and why you needed to chalk your cue, the momentum of the ball, etc. Now that would probably bore the hell out of most people, but I EAT THAT SHIT UP! I know, I’m kind of weird that way, but when a guy starts getting all cerebral on me, my knees go weak, my heart melts, etc. Out of all the guys I’m dating, this one is probably the one I should invest more time in. He’s very attentive and thoughtful, hilarious too! Guess we’ll see where it goes.

Amid the semi-steadies, I’ve been out with several others. I was getting so many younger men, I finally figured “what the hell” and went out with a few of them. The youngest was 27 lol…is that nuts or what? He was really sweet, but I just could NOT get past the age thing. Another was 29 and super smart (had a degree in cultural anthropology and lost ME in conversation about what he studied lol) so I thought maybe that would offset the age difference…at least enough to have some fun with him. Nope…the immaturity was still there and I just couldn’t get past it. The only problem with him is I can’t seem to shake him loose! He isn’t stalking me, but he continues to contact me on a semi-regular basis. Another was 30 and finishing up his masters…he was total eye candy ya’ll; 6’5” and absolutely adorable. I still don’t get why he contacted me lol. Anyway, he was from Mexico so he had a pretty hot accent as well. We went out and had a great time, but it just kind of fizzled out eventually. It was fun though :)

Ultimately I decided that I don’t think I can go much below 35 when it comes to age. I’ll never say “never,” but I went out with enough younger men to realize that I’m just not into it.

Now on to some of the not so good stuff. The drinking. Yeah I’m still struggling with this guys. I’m not drinking every day, but I definitely have a problem when I start drinking. If I stop myself after a few glasses, I’m fine, but that usually doesn’t happen. I never used to understand why erik would drink and drink and drink until everything was gone. It used to drive me crazy. Now, I’m struggling with the same thing and …time for brutal honesty here…I’ve had a few nights where I didn’t really remember what happened beyond a certain point. I will get back on my computer to see chats with friends I didn’t know I had or on my phone, etc. That is kind of freaking me out. So yeah, I’ll be discussing this with my counselor as well. I am hoping now that I’m through the training for my new job, I’ll be able to exercise and that will help deal with some of the stress and anxiety. I know when I’m working out, I just don’t drink as much if at all.

Well, this is now 3 pages long so I’ll stop for now. I will do my best to post more. I have been meaning too, but there has just been so much going on, it overwhelmed me to think about getting on and updating you guys.

I hope all my bloggy friends are doing well. Thanks for hanging in there with me.

Sometimes you have to give up on the life you've planned, to have the life that is waiting for you

This is one of my favorite quotes because it is an idea I had to embrace after learning my husband was gay. My journey down this particular path started towards the end of 2002, just a few months before my mother passed away when I came across the first clues that he might be hiding something. I confronted him, but he was able to convince me that my fears were unfounded; probably because I wanted to believe him. I knew I would be losing my mom soon, had just lost my grandmother and my son had just had major surgery. I wasn’t exactly in the best place to embrace the fact that my marriage was a sham and that my husband would never love me the way I hoped and prayed he someday would.

When I came across additional evidence 5 years later in 2007, he didn’t even try to deny it. Well, he did to some extent actually. Part of him still tried to hold on to something that would keep him in a “safe” place; a place that wouldn’t find him singled out by society, by family members or even friends that couldn’t accept what he couldn’t change about himself. To say I was devastated goes without saying. My world was rocked to its very core and I honestly didn’t see how I could ever recover. I’d spent almost half my life with this man; woven a past, present and could see the pattern of our future laid out before us and then all of a sudden….it all just unraveled.

Most of you have heard this story before; especially those of you who have been with me a while. Recently, someone in my str8 network posted this story about the swan and the scorpion. I’ll cut and paste the story below:

"There was a Swan at the edge of a river and a scorpion approached asking the swan if she would kindly give him a ride to the other side of the river on her back. The swan said "no, you are a scorpion, you will sting me and I will die." The scorpion assured the swan that he wouldn't do that, all he wanted was a ride to the other side and he promised she was safe with him. So the swan gave in and allowed the scorpion to climb upon her back. She swan to the other side and just before reaching the shore the scorpion stung her and jumped to safety. As the swan was sinking, slowly dying from the poisons she asked the scorpion why he broke his promise and stung her. The scorpion said "I'm a scorpion, that is what I do."

Typically, most gay spouses tend to be incredibly narcissistic. It makes sense and I’ve always made the observation that only the worst sort of person would knowingly entrap someone in a faux marriage, make children and a life with someone just so that they could “have their cake and eat it too.” Erik didn’t really fall into this category entirely. I really believe he wanted more than anything to be able to be happy living the straight life. He never cheated on me and to this day I don’t know that he has even acted on his same sex attraction. We had our issues when he finally “came out” to me, but they were short lived and for the most part, he has been decent and assumed responsibility. Many str8 spouses are not so lucky. They have spouses who cheat on them their entire marriage, expose them to countless STDs, belittle them and project their own self hatred onto the str8 spouse. Even when disclosure comes, the gay spouse continues to manipulate and attempt to control the str8 spouse’s life. Believe me, I have heard HORROR stories.

The interesting thing about this story and the commentary on the blog on which it was posted was that so many of us str8s saw ourselves in this allegory. Basically, the point is that we tended to project our own good qualities onto our spouse which they were more than happy to own and exploit. I know I definitely did this in my marriage; put Erik on a pedestal. He is a decent guy, but looking back, I can definitely see that there were times when I would extol his wonderful qualities and while he wouldn’t necessarily OWN them, he wouldn’t refute what I was saying either and at some point on my journey from disclosure to now I would say those were the things that ate at me the most.

I honestly think I got a bit off track here, but I’m not going to edit myself. The whole point of me addressing this topic today was that I read the following post on a fellow str8s blog and wow, could I remember what it felt like to be in THAT moment; to want more than anything in the world to undo what was no longer undoable. Tiffany expresses herself in such a beautifully heartbreaking way that I remember SO well, but while reading it I realized: “I remember, but wow…I’m not that woman anymore.” I could remember the Michelle who ached for her husband to say he’d made a mistake and couldn’t live without her; that they could go on as before and grow old together and I can feel sad for her, but I realized that I am a different woman today so much happier for the Michelle I am today.

She didn’t know it then, but this event, disclosure, freed her in ways she wouldn’t realize for a few years. She was finally free of all the self doubt, the self loathing for never being what she needed to be to make her husband love her the way she craved. She was free to discover who she was apart from this disingenuous relationship, to seek out something real. She was free to rediscover all the things she had willingly given up (my choice, I’ll own that) in her pursuit to find the right magical combination of qualities that would make her what he needed her to be. So many things I put off, or did away with that I loved because he didn’t want to do them or didn’t value them the way I did. Again, it was MY choice to abdicate my own interests and passions, but I am now enjoying my life and enjoying being able to fill it up with what I love.

And yes, I believe that there is a special someone out there for me; someone who crossed my path several times over the last couple of decades, but for one reason or another we never actually connected until just the right time in our lives, or almost the right time lol. 

So yes, I’m grateful for that horrible moment 5 years ago when I felt the world crumble at my feet. Out of the detritus of yesterday’s shattered dreams I’ve realized an inner strength I wasn’t aware of. I’ve gone on to experience things (both wonderful and some not so wonderful) I might have otherwise missed and I can honestly say, I wouldn’t trade where I am today for where I might be had I not discovered my husband was gay and continued to live in ignorance. Fellow str8s just beginning this journey? Trust me, you will find your way here too eventually.

Dating post edited

Those of you who read the post on dating revisited may note that there have been some changes. the overall content is the same, but I took out some of what I thought would be most painful for someone I've dated previously to read. He's promised not to read that particular post and I completely believe that he wouldn't, but just in case there is a moment of weakness, I thought some of what was in that particular paragraph would just be really hurtful so I edited it out. The gist of everything is the same and I still don't think the post is anything this particular person would want to read...just as I really wouldn't want to know the salacious details of his dating experiences, but just in case...

And if you happen to be reading this (you know who you are ;), please know that I do trust you, but sometimes I think our curiosity gets the better of us. I know I probably wouldn't have lasted an hour past being told there was a post on your blog I shouldn't read before heading over to read it. If you haven't read the last post, I still say it isn't recommended reading. Even though its been edited, I still don't think it is anything you really should need or want to read...just trust me on this.

And just to have some info for the rest of you lol....I'm at 290 as if this morning....280's watch out!!! Here I come :) 25 more pounds to go to hit 200 lb total loss. Anyone want to predict what day I'll hit goal?

Dating Revisited...

So yeah, I made the decision to date. Nothing serious, just have some fun, get out and meet some people. Figure out what it is I really want, play the field a bit. To be honest, the attention has been kind of nice. I posted in my str8s forum the following:

“Ok, because I was posting so much about this recent breakup, etc I wanted to update a bit. I kind of decided just to date, nothing serious...get my feet wet so put my profile back up at (dating site 1) and (dating site 2). All of a sudden men coming out of the woodwork lmao! Who would have thunk? After years living with a gay husband who rejected me time and time again and made me feel like a nympho just because I wanted intimacy with my husband, it is nice to see that there ARE men out there who might not want to run in the other direction at the sight of me.
And no, I do not need the validation of a man because I feel pretty darn good about myself these days. Not just because of the way I look, but more so because of the way I am inside, who I'm becoming as I shed my armor and discover the woman of steel I've cultivated inside my body! It has happened because of all I've gone through (not just tgt) that has made me who I am right NOW.

So, those of you who are just starting the hellish journey down this path...just know that you will emerge at some point...battered, bruised but more resilient than you ever thought possible. Ready to take on the second half of your life with gusto and yeah...its going to be WAY awesome ;)”

I posted this for a few reasons. First and foremost, we have had a recent influx of newbie str8s due to some attention Dear Abby has focused on the topic. I remember what it was like to wake up the next day to find what you thought was a rock solid foundation beneath your feet in absolute shambles. I remember what it was like to go from taking for granted the fact that I would grow old with my best friend and soul mate and then wake up the morning after disclosure to find I had no idea who I’d been sleeping next to for the last decade. The pain in their stories is heartbreaking and ongoing. I’ve been there, I remember.

I have no illusions that what I had to offer in the above snippet really did much to ease that heartache. When the pain is fresh, simply imagining a time when you might be ok with moving on is often enough to twist that knife in your heart just a bit more; still, I think it is important to see that those that have gone before them can and do find their way.

So, yes I’ve decided to date. I’m not sure what that is going to look like honestly. So far, I have gone out with one man (well I had a few other dates that were duds…hell I even had a 24 year old soldier in the army chatting me up the other night lol…have to tell you guys about him another time…also need to tell you about the date from hell because it was hilarious). So where was I? Oh yeah ok, so this guy had actually chased me quite vigorously back in January before I met Greg, but because I was pretty sure he just wanted a hookup I politely declined. We started talking again recently and honestly…he is a very attractive guy. My life coach, aka “Nick” just came right out and said “Michelle, you keep running AWAY from these guys, the ones that scare you because they are not afraid to tell you exactly what they want. I think you need to just run TOWARDS them. You need a man who is going to take charge and give you what I think you really want (namely, a hot passionate romance…of course, the very thing that scares the hell out of me)” I cleaned that up a bit because Nick doesn’t really mince words lol.

Anyway, so I met up with this guy. We had talked on the phone, exchanged several texts and messages. The attraction was definitely there on both sides. When we finally got together, it was obvious the chemistry was there, but he was also up front about the fact that he didn’t have time for a girlfriend really. He has two daughters who live down at the coast and he said if he didn’t have time to see his girls, he didn’t have time for a girlfriend. I told him I actually respected that and explained that I wasn’t sure I was looking for a boyfriend, but that I liked him, he liked me. We could hang out, etc.

We actually had a very nice lengthy conversation about it all. I opened up about myself, he did the same. After an hour or two of just talking, I had some other friends to get to, so I got up to leave. I thanked him for meeting with me and out of nowhere he leaned in to kiss me. (original section edited to protect the feelings of someone who might be hurt to read what was originally here).

I honestly couldn’t stop smiling and I can’t tell you if it was because the kiss was so freaking amazing or because I kissed this hot blooded straight man who came on stronger than most men I had experienced and lived to tell about it…with a smile on my face no less. I realize this may not seem like a big deal to the average person, but for me, this was kind of huge.

Ok, now for the bad news: I haven’t heard from him since lol. There was no mistaking the mutual attraction, but meh…I’m learning that men can be just as weird as women. I have no idea why he decided not to pursue this further, but oh well. There are more straight men out there who I’m sure can kiss me like that again…at least I hope there are lol. He can’t have cornered the market on that right?
So, one thing discovered so far: I think Nick is right. I think I am shying away from the thing I want the most. The thing that scares me, is the thing I want deep down inside. So now I have to figure out how to get from point A to point B without self destructing lol. Any suggestions?

In closing, please don’t mistake this focus on dating as a frivolous diversion. I mean yeah, it can be fun. The attention is nice. Having an experience like that was pretty awesome, but ultimately it is more about me trying to tease out the knots in my emotional ball of yarn so that I can craft a beautiful warm, comforting blanket to wrap around myself at some point and have a healthy relationship with someone. It is about NOT running away this time literally or figuratively by sabotaging myself with food or booze or..whatever else I may choose to use to keep people at a distance. It’s part of hanging up my armor for good and relying on that steely inner core I talked about in my last post.

Update on Diagnosis and a big ol' head trip Michelle Style!

I saw my neurosurgeon monday and the news was not so good. Sorry its taken me so long to get this posted, I started writing it Monday and have just been busy with other things. Namely trying to figure out how to pay the rest of our bills after both our pay being short because of all the work I missed when I had the weeklong migraine from hell and the other aftershocks.

In a nutshell, apparently I failed the CSF (cerebrospinal fluid) flow study which is where they tried to determine how well the cerebrospinal fluid was flowing through the foramen magnum from my skull into the spinal column. The foramen magnum is the large opening at the base of the skull. Apparently, the lower portion of my skull is too small and the nodules at the base of the cerebellum (the cerebellar tonsils) protrude through the hole where normally they rest just at the rim of the hole. Because they extend through the hole, they make an already cramped space even more cramped and this is where they sometimes interfere with how well the CSF circulates from the skull into the spinal column.

From there, he went on to explain that this is what has caused my headaches for the last 20 years, why I tend to wake up with headaches (the position makes the circulation problem worse) and why I get the exertion headaches or headaches when I get overheated. All of the scenarios basically create more pressure in the skull which causes headaches if I’m lucky, vomiting, dizziness or worse when it gets really bad. For instance, the headache that started this last round of migraines was so bad and was impacting the pons which apparently controls body temperature, blood pressure, etc…which is why my body temperature was coming in at abnormally low temperatures and why my blood pressure was alarmingly high. This is the range of problems I can experience with this particular problem…anything from a minor headache to a less likely emergent situation where basic life functions (body temp regulation, blood pressure regulation, respiration, etc) are impacted.

The doctor went on to say that it was his recommendation that I have the surgery. I know I need the surgery, but part of me wants to hold off on it. I’m on such a roll when it comes to exercise; I appear to have broken the stall (this morning I am at 293) and I’ve continued to work in one to two miles a day walking in addition to taking a boot camp class and my water aerobics last week. My body is getting stronger by the day and I’m loving it. Just as I’ve enjoyed watching my shape come back (I actually have a waist now , I know I’m going to enjoy watching my muscles get more defined and my body firm up. I have this picture of me at about 21 laid out on this couch (it is on my blog somewhere I think, but heck, I’ll dig it up and post it below because I look awesome in it! As long as you ignore the fact that my hair needs its own zip code that is…lol) and I remember at the time I was working out like a fiend and while I know I was maybe 218-220 lbs at the time, I was so incredibly fit. I look at my calves and I can remember being so proud of how firm they were, how defined. I find myself looking forward to not just being thin, but being fit. And I feel like I’m finally hitting my stride when it comes to exercise and weight training; I don’t want to have this surgery and screw with that. I don’t want to impede the momentum I’ve got going now.

Speaking of momentum, I would also like to reassure you guys that I am finally emerging from my…whatever this last setback was. Sometimes it is almost like I need to have this sort of emotional/physical/spiritual breakdown so that I can sort things out, put the pieces back together and emerge just a little bit stronger than I was the last time. Those of you who have been with me for the long haul have probably noticed the pattern. In the middle of it, I often feel as if I’m losing it, like this is something different…that I won’t make it to the other side, but I always do. And when I get back on this side of things, I can see it for what it is…just my way of assimilating change, getting comfortable with whatever is new and different and finding my comfort level with it all.

The last 6 months has required me to assimilate quite a bit. Changes in eating, activity, my body. They’ve seen me tackle my first relationship since Erik. They’ve also seen me fail miserably in some areas and experience amazing success in others. Again, I’m reminded that with the pain of bad experiences also comes the joys of living life and experiencing all the wonderful parts too. Finding closeness and intimacy with someone special when you thought it was lost to you forever. Sharing yourself and being open and accepting of what someone else has to share with you. Discovering parts of yourself that still need work, but recognizing areas of strength you didn’t know you had. Finding your way back to the steel core of strength that was always there. Finding comfort in knowing it will always be there because it has been forged through the blood, sweat and tears of the sum of your life’s experiences. Note to self: you will always be a work in progress and that’s ok.

Yeah, I know I’m in my head way too often and sometimes it gets me into trouble. Sometimes though…it saves me.

Parenting Epiphanies on "fitting in"

I’m up tonight unable to sleep. I have so much going through my head; especially after a three hour conversation with one of my best friends, Nick. Son, honestly you need to go back to school and get a degree in psychology. I’m serious…I feel like I just had a power therapy session which is good because I had to put off my appointment with my therapist tomorrow. With all the work I missed while sick and the work Erik missed while I was sick, we are just feeling the pinch financially the most right now and I discovered that I still have a portion of my deductible to meet. The good news is that even with having to pay another $90.00 toward my deductible, the sessions should be much more affordable than what the other place was quoting me and honestly…while I’m still nervous, I’m also somewhat eager to get started again in therapy.

In the past few weeks I have vacillated between self loathing and self awareness on levels that surprised me at times. In regards to the self loathing, I was disappointed to discover that I could still sink to some surprisingly low levels. There were days when I could not quiet those voices in my head. There was no reasoning with them, bargaining with them…they insisted on echoing the voices of years ago; the ones that discounted any positive quality I might point to with at least three other negative qualities effectively canceling out any positive feelings I might be struggling to hold on to. Yeah, I’ve had some bad days.

But, I’ve also had days that, while not good exactly, allowed me moments of clarity I needed. Moments where I actually began to understand more about where I was at now as opposed to the me 20 years ago. While yes, I repeated many behavior patterns from years ago with Greg and in other areas of my life, I recognize that I was able to evaluate this behavior in ways I simply couldn’t do 20 years ago. I have a MUCH better understanding about where a lot of these feelings and behaviors come from and the awareness to PREFER time on my own to address them once and for all as opposed to trying to mask them or fill that void inside with a relationship or food or drinking or …whatever else I might choose to distract myself from the work I needed to do. When I’m thinking rationally, this is definitely something I can point to with pride; something that shows me I haven’t spent the last 20 years in some kind of emotional holding pattern. I KNOW better than this. I know that the woman I am today is so much stronger than the woman I was 20 years ago. The “me” today can say that last sentence and not feel the need/urge to discount it immediately whereas the 20-year-old Michelle would never have had the courage to say it out loud at all.

So, I’m going to try to get better about cutting myself the slack I’m always so easy to cut for everyone else. I’m not perfect, but I’m not entirely imperfect either.

Part of what prompted this post was an incident that happened with Tanner today. He had a horrible day at school. Apparently this whole week had not been all that great, but I had no clue. Sometimes, knowing how challenging it can be for parents who have children with severe behavioral/emotional disturbances, teachers will choose to keep what happens at school at school. Today, he had a complete meltdown though; the sort of meltdown that required two burly men to restrain him physically for over half an hour. This hasn’t happened in over three years. When he came home, I was shocked at how he looked. Dark circles under his eyes, marks on his face, a bandaid on his arm where he had bitten himself pretty good. The mother in me wanted to wrap him up because one look at his face told me that the inside was more broken than the outside.

He sat down and I asked him to tell me what happened. He began to talk, in the vacant voice he uses when he’s trying to avoid getting emotional. He just said that they made him mad. I explained that I understood he can’t help feeling mad, but he absolutely can NOT react the way he did today. It was then that his face just crumbled and he pretty much collapsed at my feet crying that he was a freak, he didn’t want to be deaf, he had no friends, nobody liked him, he wished he were dead…wished he had died when he was a baby and had meningitis. My own heart just shattered hearing him say this. He just looked so absolutely broken, exhausted from the day’s meltdown and broken spiritually and emotionally. I reached out and grabbed his hand, pulled him in for a hug and let him cry for a bit.

When I pulled away I told him he wasn’t a freak and asked him to think about all the deaf people he knew; the people he goes to see at Deaf Chat, the people he sees at church, his Big Brother Sam…where they freaks? Initially he said “yes,” but I told him that was ridiculous…that if he truly felt that way, he wouldn’t want to go to Deaf Chat or to church. He went because he liked them all and looked forward to seeing them.

I then reminded him of something I’ve told him from a very young age: “Not everyone is going to like you Tanner; and that’s ok.” Of course, like any teenager, he talked about wanting to be popular, wanting to have friends, wanting to “fit in.” I said “Ok so what, you are deaf…I’m fat…daddy was kind of a nerd…we ALL have something that makes us different, but in the end..that is what makes the world so interesting and beautiful.” I pointed out how boring it would be if everyone were the same. He insisted it would be great if everyone were the same, then they wouldn’t have to worry about fitting in. I again pointed out how boring it would be... if you were friends with someone, what motivation would we have to check out the person across the room if we knew they were going to be just like the person we were talking to…just like us for that matter. The exciting part of life is meeting new people, having new experiences, learning new things and then sharing those things, that knowledge with others.

I then started talking more about my high school experiences; how groups of boys would make earthquake noises as I walked down the hall or say the cruelest things right to my face just to get a laugh out of their friends. I told him how I would come home almost every day and cry into my pillow or on my mom’s shoulder because it hurt so bad. I told him I knew exactly what he was feeling. Then I said, “But you know what Tanner? My mom used to say this very thing to me when I was your age, but I would think ‘What does she know? She doesn’t understand.” “Now that I’m older, I can look back at that little girl and I can see all her amazing qualities…most of them still describe me today…I’m a good friend, my friends are my friends and they know that they can count on me through thick and thin. I’m also a very giving person. I’m funny and I’m fun to be around a lot of the time, etc. I then asked him if he agreed with all that, did he think that younger girl was a freak? He said “no.”

“I don’t either Tanner and you know what? You aren’t a freak. You are funny and charming and sweet and caring. Even with your challenges, you still have this amazing ability to endear yourself to people and that is a huge positive thing you have going for you sweetie. So, I think about teenage Michelle and I think ‘She wasn’t a freak and how sad that all those kids missed out on knowing her because they let the way she looked get in the way of them making a pretty terrific friend, don’t you agree?’” He did.

We talked about what a great guy his dad was, how funny he is and how much fun he can be; how special he is. I told him that in high school, he was painfully shy and withdrawn and a lot of people thought he was nerdy and uncool. Did he think dad was a freak? Of course he didn’t…he thinks dad is the greatest thing since sliced bread! Well, unfortunately there were people in high school that missed out on knowing the Erik we know and love, isn’t that sad? Tanner agreed.

I just looked at him and said “Well sweetie, that is exactly what I think about the unfortunate people who don’t take the time to get to know YOU, the Tanner I know and love. They will never ever know what it is like to laugh at your jokes or get a comforting hug or word from you. They’ll never understand what a good friend you can be or how thoughtful you are. I feel sorry for them because they missed out. But that is life tanner…not everyone is going to like you. If they have good reason not to like you, then you should work on changing those things, but if they dislike you for something that can’t be changed, for who you are, and they let that get in the way of getting to know you, well then…it’s their loss. I feel sorry for them."

By the time I was done, I could see that it was starting to sink in, that he was processing what I was saying and that it was really helping him. I don’t reiterate this here because I want kudos or a pat on the back. Some may not think I said the right things or would have handled the situation entirely different. I honestly can’t take credit for much of what I said. When I was telling Nick about it later, I told him…”This is one of those moments where I really think God was giving me the words Tanner needed to hear.” Something else I realized is that He was also speaking to me; giving me the words we BOTH needed to hear. In trying to help my son cope, I realized that I may have shortcomings, I may be imperfect, but I am not a freak. I am worthwhile regardless of my shell and yes, my inner self needs some work, but as long as I keep striving, keep trying to get there, that is all I can ask of myself.

And I raaaan....

Ok, so I had this long introspective post about another topic. I was all ready to post it tonight and THEN I went to my first bootcamp class. Well at least my first at our local YMCA. OMG, it was exhausting, but I actually RAN yall! I probably looked like a monkey on crack and it felt as unnatural as anything I’ve ever done (I think the last time I ran was maybe in elementary school lol), but I actually ran lol!! Before you know it, I’m going to be doing the Boston marathon!

The only drawback was I was absolutely not wearing the right bra for the workout…pretty little lace number. Looks GREAT (if I must say so myself), but doesn’t keep the girls in one place when you are attempting your first sprint in several decades! Luckily, I remembered that I have two jog bras I paid a small fortune for, but could never wear because once I got them on, my ribcage would not expand to allow for respiration lol. That can be kind of a problem when you are trying to work out. I tried one on tonight and realized that it is almost too big :( but I think it will work much better than most of my other bras for at least the next few months.

So can you believe it??? Me! RUNNING!

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