Another Rambling Entry..........

I can’t tell you guys how helpful it was to get that monster of a post out the other day. It turns out that I was a bit hormonal which is probably why I was feeling so very low, but I have many days like that and I think even on days when I’m more up, there is a part of me inside somewhere whispering “Yeah, put on that happy face, It may fool others, but it will never fool YOU.”

I also had a crazy thought about trying out for the Biggest Loser….apparently they are having a casting call in my city this Saturday and I had almost jazzed myself up about going. I called a friend who would have probably canceled on me anyway, but I had said that even if she did I was going. And then Erik gave me that look… and said “Are you really going to do that Michelle?” in this tone of voice that was just like it was the most ridiculous thing he ever heard. I guess it is though. I can’t even stand long enough to cook a complete meal right now. I’d probably be their first fatality! In the back of my mind, I was thinking that I would have some time to really try to get myself into decent enough shape if I was selected so that I wouldn’t be so weak. I mean jeez, I used to do kickboxing at 419 lbs just a few years ago…GOD I wish I never stopped going to that gym. I was so strong then and I felt so good about myself.

Part of me was pissed at Erik for taking the wind out of my sails but who could blame him? You guys hear how hard it is for me. I can’t even really do the treadmill right now. Taking a shower wipes me out. He sees me on a daily basis, he knows. Ok, I talked myself out of being pissed at Erik lol.

I am taking Tanner to a hip hop dance class tomorrow. He has become a HUGE Michael Jackson fan in the last week. Seriously, he has been youtubing him and the Jackson 5, he watched the memorial (which was very hard for him btw, he also has a very hard time with death…he’s very sensitive like his mom). As always I’m on the hunt to find some things that will not only get him off the damn couch, but something that he might be able to do and feel good about himself! Some of the things we are considering are hip hop dance class, fencing, drum lessons. Not ALL of those things, probably just one to be honest…I’m not made of money quite frankly.

I’m dreading going to the dance place though. Uggh, I am just anticipating that look on their face when I walk in. I always feel like I have to go into hyperdrive and be super extra likeable so that they don’t continue to look at me with veiled disgust; I hate that. It will actually be the first time I’ve left my house for something other than fast food in…hmm, I seriously can’t remember the last time I left my house. Geez, could it have been as long ago as april? I think it was  Girl needs to get out!

Erik doesn’t want to go with us. I suspect its because he’s slightly embarrassed of Tanner’s weight issues and HUGELY embarrassed of mine. He doesn’t want to be embarrassed, but I know that he is. Erik rarely ever wants to go anywhere in public with me. For the last several years of our marriage and since, he talks his way out of going anywhere he might be seen with this ugly behemoth he married. Even if I just suggest a dinner out, he usually will complain that he’s tired or not up to going out, but I know… All those old feelings of not being good enough just hit me like a ton of bricks every time I suggest we do something together, even a family something, and he finds a way out of it. Sometimes, I feign a migraine or some other malady because I know how he feels and I don’t want to cringe inside the whole time I’m out with him; watching him out the corner of my eye to see if he has that tight lipped expression that says “is there enough distance between us? God, nobody think she’s my wife, nobody think she’s my wife.” He’s always been way more concerned about other people’s perception of him than I have been. I think I had to lose some of that parenting Tanner. I may have mentioned here in this blog somewhere, but I soon learned that when he had a public meltdown, I just couldn’t WORRY about what other people were thinking or I couldn’t do what needed to be done to handle the meltdown appropriately. So maybe my experience with Tanner helped me let go to some degree, my own worries about how I’m perceived. If only it could generalize that a bit more to ME and not just my parenting. All in all, I’m a lot better where this is concerned now than I was in my 20’s, but Id’ be lying if I said I didn’t still care about how I’m perceived because of my weight.

This post kinda seems all over the place tonight lol. Maybe it’s the late hour I don’t know. Thanks again to everyone that has been leaving comments. Please know that while I may not always work up the energy to comment back, your support means so much to me right now and I read EVERY SINGLE COMMENT that comes through. Let me get back on my feet emotionally and hopefully I can start supporting your amazing efforts as well.