My Progress!

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Another Rambling Entry..........

I can’t tell you guys how helpful it was to get that monster of a post out the other day. It turns out that I was a bit hormonal which is probably why I was feeling so very low, but I have many days like that and I think even on days when I’m more up, there is a part of me inside somewhere whispering “Yeah, put on that happy face, It may fool others, but it will never fool YOU.”

I also had a crazy thought about trying out for the Biggest Loser….apparently they are having a casting call in my city this Saturday and I had almost jazzed myself up about going. I called a friend who would have probably canceled on me anyway, but I had said that even if she did I was going. And then Erik gave me that look… and said “Are you really going to do that Michelle?” in this tone of voice that was just like it was the most ridiculous thing he ever heard. I guess it is though. I can’t even stand long enough to cook a complete meal right now. I’d probably be their first fatality! In the back of my mind, I was thinking that I would have some time to really try to get myself into decent enough shape if I was selected so that I wouldn’t be so weak. I mean jeez, I used to do kickboxing at 419 lbs just a few years ago…GOD I wish I never stopped going to that gym. I was so strong then and I felt so good about myself.

Part of me was pissed at Erik for taking the wind out of my sails but who could blame him? You guys hear how hard it is for me. I can’t even really do the treadmill right now. Taking a shower wipes me out. He sees me on a daily basis, he knows. Ok, I talked myself out of being pissed at Erik lol.

I am taking Tanner to a hip hop dance class tomorrow. He has become a HUGE Michael Jackson fan in the last week. Seriously, he has been youtubing him and the Jackson 5, he watched the memorial (which was very hard for him btw, he also has a very hard time with death…he’s very sensitive like his mom). As always I’m on the hunt to find some things that will not only get him off the damn couch, but something that he might be able to do and feel good about himself! Some of the things we are considering are hip hop dance class, fencing, drum lessons. Not ALL of those things, probably just one to be honest…I’m not made of money quite frankly.

I’m dreading going to the dance place though. Uggh, I am just anticipating that look on their face when I walk in. I always feel like I have to go into hyperdrive and be super extra likeable so that they don’t continue to look at me with veiled disgust; I hate that. It will actually be the first time I’ve left my house for something other than fast food in…hmm, I seriously can’t remember the last time I left my house. Geez, could it have been as long ago as april? I think it was  Girl needs to get out!

Erik doesn’t want to go with us. I suspect its because he’s slightly embarrassed of Tanner’s weight issues and HUGELY embarrassed of mine. He doesn’t want to be embarrassed, but I know that he is. Erik rarely ever wants to go anywhere in public with me. For the last several years of our marriage and since, he talks his way out of going anywhere he might be seen with this ugly behemoth he married. Even if I just suggest a dinner out, he usually will complain that he’s tired or not up to going out, but I know… All those old feelings of not being good enough just hit me like a ton of bricks every time I suggest we do something together, even a family something, and he finds a way out of it. Sometimes, I feign a migraine or some other malady because I know how he feels and I don’t want to cringe inside the whole time I’m out with him; watching him out the corner of my eye to see if he has that tight lipped expression that says “is there enough distance between us? God, nobody think she’s my wife, nobody think she’s my wife.” He’s always been way more concerned about other people’s perception of him than I have been. I think I had to lose some of that parenting Tanner. I may have mentioned here in this blog somewhere, but I soon learned that when he had a public meltdown, I just couldn’t WORRY about what other people were thinking or I couldn’t do what needed to be done to handle the meltdown appropriately. So maybe my experience with Tanner helped me let go to some degree, my own worries about how I’m perceived. If only it could generalize that a bit more to ME and not just my parenting. All in all, I’m a lot better where this is concerned now than I was in my 20’s, but Id’ be lying if I said I didn’t still care about how I’m perceived because of my weight.

This post kinda seems all over the place tonight lol. Maybe it’s the late hour I don’t know. Thanks again to everyone that has been leaving comments. Please know that while I may not always work up the energy to comment back, your support means so much to me right now and I read EVERY SINGLE COMMENT that comes through. Let me get back on my feet emotionally and hopefully I can start supporting your amazing efforts as well.


cmoursler said...

hey,this is a hard thing to say, but...have you ever wondered why eric feels like it's necessary to 'take the wind out of your sails'. I have a better voice to listen to. What would your grandpa have said. I have seen you comment about eric in the past and how 'you are not sure he loves you like you love him'. I used to think this about someone I know. It may be true. But it isn't because of you. People are sometimes so wrapped up in themselves that they love themselves best. If I were standing next to you and I were your best freind in the whole world I would tell you to do what you had to do and that I was behind you 100 percent, period. JOin a water aerobics class. Walk 100 feet. Sit in a chair and do arm twirls, whack the hoo out of eric. Many of these things burn That look those people give you, I call it b*tchface. I use b*tchface for inspiration. I count b*tchface when I go in stores. That thinly veiled disgusted glance skinny women give to fff (future former fatties) They are too shallow to look past the exterior and see the superior person underneath the package. Just remember you are already more beautiful on the inside than these chicks. YOu have learned not to judge by the cover. Maybe you could walk to the corner and back tomorrow. I hope you do.
God bless,

TJ said...

sending my support your way!


Losing Waist! said...

I just read through your last three posts. Really intense stuff, but I think it is ALL relatable to a healthy lifestyle change because working all of it out is part of the whole package.

I groan, gripe, cry, whine, and work through a lot of my shit on my blog... talking LESS about the minutes spent on the treadmill, and more about what kind of feelings I am facing while making those changes. I find a lot of blogs (weight loss related) LACK that aspect.

The husband thing can be really hard. I am going through me own bucket of crap with mine right now. He was the most supporting when I was my heaviest (and all of the hundred pounds I gained during the first year and a half of our relationship). I started out obese when we met and just gained more and more. Now that I am losing he is not with the program- things are not looking good. THE POINT of explaining this to you is that you are not alone with the struggles you are having with your husband.

I hope to see you working things out here more often. Hang in there.

Tricia said...

I wish we lived in the same town.

Orlenna said...

just letting you know I'm here, reading your blog and caring about what's happening with you.
Hang in there.

tisha said...

I'm sending {{{hugs}}} to you. So sad about your husband treating you that way. More {{{hugs}}}. My ex boyfriend worked at a car dealership. One night I offered to bring him dinner and he forbid me from showing up. He told me if I came to the lot he would ignore me. WTF?! Hang in there.

big_mummy said...

my hubby gets that tight lipped thing too but he puts on this front like he doesnt care what others think, but i do see that look sometimes. sucks.

hang in there x

Diane, Fit to the Finish said...

I'm amazed at your honesty. Wow. I wanted to tell you that I know where you've been, and it's not fun. I admire your courage, and am sorry for the feelings you are having surrounding your hubby.

For me, I didn't want to go out when I was obese because of my own insecurities. My hubby encouraged me to keep going and trying. Once I lost my weight, I told him "thank you" for all the support.

That's the kind of support you need and deserve too.

Megan said...

If you want to try out for the biggest loser, you go girl! Sometimes when you get that spark of feeling excited about something you have to try it, no matter what it is. Maybe you won't get on but something about trying will give you the jolt you need. Maybe you will get on and it will "totally change your life". Maybe nothing will change at all, you can come here and tell us about the tryouts and be no worse off than you are now. Have fun at the dance class, sounds like a great idea. Sorry about Erik, that sounds hard. Good luck!

wildfluffysheep said...

yep. got to get the emotional sorted out before you can do anything properly. if your head ain't in the game then it ain't gonna work. sounds like you are working on getting it all out. which is definitely a good thing missus.

Lolly said...

I read your blog regularly. I so admire your honesty and the real emotion that conveys to your readers. I am so sorry you are struggling, but I hope that writing all this out is very cathartic for you! Please be kind to yourself. You are a shining star and deserve nothing but the best.

Donia said...

You already know this, but I really wish that we lived closer. I need someone to be accountable to who knows how I feel and what I'm going through. It's hard, so hard.

SeaShore said...

I hope it goes well at the dance place, and that Tanner enjoys himself.

You deserve better support at home, I wish you had it.

Take care.