Holding my ground...

I couldn't decide on a pic to use so I've decided that in situations where I can't find the perfect pic for my blogs, I'm going to start posting a bit of eye candy for your enjoyment (and mine). I'd like to think of them as future love interests for when I'm svelte and gorgeous, but I think Josh is already taken....bummer He's awful pretty to look at though isn't he?
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I haven't been posting lately because I've honestly been working myself silly. Seriously like 60-80 hr work weeks lately so when I'm done working, the LAST thing I want to do is be in front of the computer. I have used some of the time I had "to myself" in more productive ways and other not so productive ways. I've also been grappling with more of the crap in my head so if I can find the time, I will be sorting through some of it here. Next month shouldn't be so hectic for me so I'm hoping to be able to blog more.

So, I've been working most of my waking hours which means, I haven't been doing much in the way of exercising. I have started doing a few things just to make sure I don't lose more ground. It may sound silly, but every time I have to get up to do something, I try to do about 30 mini squats. Once I get to 30, I'm usually struggling to get that last one done so I figure that's my threshold for now. If I get up to go to the bathroom, I do 30 squats before I sit back down. If I come downstairs to make dinner, I do 30 squats before I take my seat to get everything together. I don't do this every time I get up, but at least 3-4 times a day and I can see some slow gains I'm making since I started it. I keep meaning to get on the treadmill, but I don't know what .....keeps stopping me. I've said this before, but I think it has more to do with the fact that every time I step on the treadmill or try to do much more for exercise, I am slapped in the face with the reality of my situation. I am forced to admit that there is very little that I can do for myself anymore. It's so much better just to sit in my chair and pretend everything is as it always was. I need to find some way to get over that.

My diet hasn't been awful, but it hasn't been great. I have cut back on the fast food, but to be honest.......its more because I'm so freaking broke right now lol. I also have Erik take my debit card with him to work so that I can't make a midnight run to dairy queen or something. When I'm stressed out, it often doesn't matter whether I really have the money to spend on a blizzard. If I have money in my account and I have access to my card, I will make a secret trip. Having him hang on to my card has helped tremendously. What I've found is that I can often go and grab some fruit instead (if I'm wanting something sweet) and even though I'm thinking "This is no substitute for a Georgia Mud Fudge Blizzard" I've found that I'm quite satisfied afterwards.

I weighed myself the other day and I'm still right around 440 so at least I'm not gaining (much). Until I can get myself motivated, my goal is just to not gain anymore weight. I'm actually considering starting a diet that my friend Donia is doing (hi donia :) she is doing something where you have one up day and one down day. On your up day you can eat whatever you want (within reason) and on your down day you eat very low calorie (like shakes and bars). She seems to be doing pretty well on it and it sounds like something I could do. I like the idea of knowing that while I'm basically fasting on my down day, I can have whatever I want the next day. Don't get me wrong, I do understand that this doesn't mean that I can eat out all day on my up day and still expect to lose weight, but if I want a little treat, it won't kill me if I indulge now and then. While I realize I could do this on any diet, I do tend to have the all or nothing mentality at times.

I'm also thinking about my 40th birthday looming around the corner. I can't believe that this year is half over. I really want to be able to do something exciting next year. My Birthday is in April and I'd love to be able to take a trip with Tanner. We've never really been able to take a family vacation and people.....if there is anyone that needs one, its erik and I. Of course, being able to do something like that is going to depend a lot on finances as well. At the moment, we aren't doing all that well financially, but hopefully that will change in the next few months. It just seems like every time I start to get a savings started, Tanner needs a new cochlear or a $500 pair of shoes (he has feet problems) or his hearing aid quits working or the dog goes to the vet and costs another $500. It's insane and frustrating. Sometimes I get annoyed because Erik could be doing something else to make a bit more. He makes just enough to cover his share of the bills so when we have unexpected expenses like the ones I mentioned above, it is my responsibility to pay for it. I get pissed at Erik, but then I think about how he does all the grocery shopping, goes to Tanner's educational meetings, drs appts, etc because I can't and I realize I can't really get upset with him for not getting a second job.

Well, I better run for now. Tanner has informed me that it is DINNER TIME so I have to get crackalackin in the kitchen. Hehe, sounds like I'm going to be cooking doesn't it? More like sandwiches or a lean cuisine tonight. We've discovered that Tanner really likes the lean cuisines and with my schedule the last few months (I don't get off until 6pm most nights) it has made it lot easier for us to eat healthier without much prep time. Yet another thing I've done to combat my tendency to just run out and get something. I still feel like a crappy mom for nuking dinner, but you gotta do what you gotta do right?