Still working on perspective

I haven't posted much lately because, to be quite honest...I've been indulging in a little holiday blues. I say indulging because sometimes, I really think you have to work harder at being unhappy than being happy. I must get something out of making myself miserable right? Otherwise I'd be doing more to make the changes I need to make and I've basically spent the last year going nowhere..literally. Ok, but this is me kind of getting drawn back into the wallowing so let's move on shall we?

I mentioned in my last post that this holiday season has been rough on me. I honestly don't know what my problem is. Maybe its because I expected to be somewhere else on my life's journey by now. I've spent the entire year passing all those goal weights I optimistically put on my google calendar only to find myself unchanged as each date came and went.

It isn't just about the weight. It has a lot to do with how empty my life is. Nothing has changed there either. Sometimes I think I stay away from the blog because I have nothing new to say. My days are pretty predictable and boring. I don't get out much, I don't have a life really beyond the walls of my home and I have only myself to blame. Something as simple as taking a trip to the store or even to the doctor takes prior planning to make sure I can handle the walk, won't have to wait long, etc.

There have been other things on my mind too. My upcoming 15 year anniversary with Erik, minor family drama, issues with friends...I think it all just kind of came to a head just in time for Christmas. So, I've spent most of the holidays seriously depressed and kind of just had the attitude of "Let's get this over with."

Yesterday, I slept until 11:00AM, woke up and spent about four hours with Tanner and Erik, then went back to bed when Erik took Tanner to a Dr's appointment. I woke up when they got home and intended on helping with Christmas cookies, but we got one batch made and I went to bed early (around 7:00PM). I don't know what happened between then and the time I woke up, but I woke up with this new perspective that kind of came out of nowhere.

I have been trying to count my blessings, but to be quite honest...all it really did was make me feel like crap for being unable to pull myself out of this depression. I actually prayed about it last night...and I don't pray often anymore...and this morning...instant clarity. I realized that I have spent the last several weeks mooning over what used to be...the family Christmases with my grandparents...how exciting it used to be to have my cousins there, my grandmother's house all decorated. My uncle and mom and later his wife playing pinochle until all hours while I watched tv or played video games with my cousins in the other room. It wasn't the Cleavers by any stretch of the imagination, but it was what made Christmas special to me. For many years, this was the only time I saw most of my family.

I've also thought about the extended family my mom built for us through her many friendships. The rounds we used to make on Thanksgiving,Christmas and New Years and how much fun it was to see everyone and remember old times. I lost touch with many of these people after she passed away.

So, I let myself get mired in what I didn't have anymore, but this morning I woke up and realized that I was LIVING as if I had much less than that. Because I was sleeping all the time and letting the depression kick my ass, I wasn't able to enjoy what I HAVE: a son who relies on ME to make sure HE has childhood memories to think back on. A husband who, despite all of our very non-traditional marital issues, loves me and cares about me. These were the people I was ignoring while I nursed and nurtured (?) this depression. They might have well not even existed for all the time I was devoting to mourning what no longer is. I was ignoring what was right in front of my face. Shame on me :(

Erik walked by my office today, after he and Tanner got back from the store and I stopped him to apologize. I knew he'd been worried about me and doing his best to make me feel better. I apologized for being so self indulgent and told him that I think I had finally realized what it meant to count your blessings...it isn't just a simple listing of things one by one...it is embracing and truly cherishing those things in our life that mean the most to us and not taking them for granted. It means taking time NOW to recognize them and experience them. Why is it so hard to just enjoy what IS and not what used to be or what might be in the future?

Later, when I got a break at work, I went downstairs to get some lunch and there on the island in our kitchen was a bouquet of my favorite flowers in a crystal vase. How awesome are they? Yeah, I'm feeling pretty blessed :)

I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday. I'm looking forward to spending the rest of the year working on my perspective and attacking 2010 with a vengeance! I'll be setting new goals and making plans and hopefully, I'll make some progress. xx


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