What has Michelle been up to?

Lots of stuff going on with me lately which is why I haven’t managed to do much blogging. That’s good news though….at least it wasn’t depression this time. I’ve had some friends reach out to me recently and I’m taking them up on it; most notably, my good friend Shannon and another friend DaLona (who I still need to call). Shannon is looking out for my social calendar and DaLona is trying nourish my spirit and help me rebuild my shattered faith. I love you both! Then I've had numerous bloggy friends reach out to me. I've read your comments...thank you for keeping me thinking about my situation and how I can change it.

In the past few weeks, I’ve actually been quite busy (for me anyway). I had a dinner and poker night out at a friend’s house. I have to be honest and say the dinner portion was far from diet friendly, but it was good to get out and I didn’t pig out while I was there. The important part was that I got out of this house! The sad side of things was that I also realized how even getting out and having a good time can exhaust me. If I’m going to be exhausted though, at least its good to have a reason for it.

The dinner and poker night is kind of becoming a semi-regular thing for us (erik, tanner and I). We have a good time with Shannon and Mike when we get together and even though Tanner is older than their daughter (she’s 7) he loves spending time with her playing wii or watching movies. Since he doesn’t have many friends, this is often a suitable stand in ;) Anyway, its nice to be able to get out.

What I’ve found is that it isn’t that I’m lacking in friends really, but I’ve isolated myself so much that while I might call them from time to time, chat online occasionally, etc. I really don’t “get out” with them often. They probably quit asking because I had excuses for why I couldn’t go out or participate in whatever so most of the whining I’ve been doing…again…I can attribute to my own actions. I think this is important because as long as someone lets themselves be the “victim” of whatever it is they’ve decided to be a victim of, they are powerless to overcome it. I think that’s what I’ve known all along and what I’ve been saying over and over again in various ways on my blog. I knew I was “playing the victim” but couldn’t see how to pull myself out of that perspective and motivate myself to start changing my situation. In the past few weeks, I’ve started to feel more like making changes again.

Have I started to make changes? Not quite yet, but I’m starting to feel a glimmer of hope somewhere deep inside and I have a few goals for this year that are going to depend on me getting myself going in the other direction health-wise. One of my absolute MUST DO’s is getting Tanner up north to visit with my family. I’ve been promising him I’d take him to see his great-grandfather since he visited back in 2003 or 2004. The reason we haven’t been able to has been largely financial and I’m still not doing well financially, but I’ve decided that I’m going to have to make it happen soon regardless. Besides, I miss my Papa too and want to see him as well. So, Papa, if you are reading this……….you better plan on having company for Thanksgiving. I’ll probably have to work from up there while I’m visiting too so I’m sure he’ll be THRILLED we may have to stay for at least a week lol. I’ll try to make it as painless as possible…have xbox, will travel.

In order to make this trip, I will probably have to drive. Even now, I think it would be difficult for me to attempt a trip like this given my current fitness level. I know you think “Why is that? You just have to sit in a car, how could your weight cause problems?” When you get to my size, your heart has a very difficult time pumping blood to your extremities, your lymphatic system has a hard time moving fluid, etc. So, when I sit for too long in one position, especially with my feet hanging down, my feet tend to swell. If they get too swollen, it can be difficult for me to walk. At times, I’ve even developed infections (cellulitis) in my feet which can be somewhat dangerous and debilitating. God forbid we even think about Deep Vein Thrombosis which could lead to a stroke if I manage to develop a blood clot from sitting too long. I won’t be able to lose a ton of weight by thanksgiving, but I want to be in as good a shape as possible so that I can cope with any problems I might encounter due to traveling. In all likelihood, I could develop swelling, get an infection and wind up stranded at my grandfather’s for god knows how long until I recover enough to drive back. I thought about flying, but with most of the “big butt” policies on most airlines I would have to buy two tickets just for me and I don’t know if I can afford that. I’ll have to crunch a few numbers and see if driving will be the cheaper way to go. Even if I have to buy two tickets for myself, it might be worth it to get out of having to pay lodging up there and back (I doubt I could make the 19 hour drive in one day), food along the way, etc. Regardless, that is the plan. Even if I fly, I’m going to have to be in decent enough shape to get from the parking lot to my gate and make a connection, etc. Besides, I want to be able to help cook and enjoy myself while I’m there and I just can’t do that given my current level of fitness.

So, although I said in my last blog that I wasn’t going to make anymore plans, I kind of have to in this situation lol.

Other news on the home front…I’m weaning myself off my anti-depressant. I know some of you are going to think this is a crazy decision, but I discovered something accidentally over the last few weeks when I missed a couple of doses. It could be coincidence and I’m not opposed to staying on an anti-depressant, but I think my current levels may have something to do with my ambivalence about getting healthier. I think the drug I’m on may be making me TOO ok with where I’m at physically. It isn’t that I’m really ok with where I’m at, but the fire I used to get once in a while that would motivate me to get busy may be too subdued by the meds I’m on. In the past couple of weeks, I’ve started to feel a bit more like the way I used to. I’ve been more motivated to clean around the house, run errands, and be more active. I saw my doctor on Monday (I have more to say about this in another blog) and he gave me a schedule to titrate down off my current meds. I think he has me coming off them too fast, but we’ll see. I’m going to listen to my body and go at my own pace. Erik and I have discussed the fact that he will keep an eye on me and if he feels I’m heading in the wrong direction emotionally (getting too depressed or too up and down) he will step in and suggest that I get back on them or stop titrating down any further if I’m still taking them.

I suspect that an awful lot of people that read my blog probably struggle with depression in similar ways. I know that I probably need to be on some kind of medication, but I need to find a happy medium. I don’t want the extremes (HIGH highs and LOW lows), but I also don’t like the BLAHS I’ve been living with since getting on effexor either. I really do think it may be a huge factor in why I’ve had such a hard time getting going when it comes to weight loss and exercise. We will give it a shot and see what happens.