My Progress!

Thursday, December 31, 2009

I guess it's fitting...

since I'm counting on 2010 being the year of changes for me (it's either put up or shut up as far as I'm concerned), Erik is making changes of his own. Apparently tonight, on what would have been our 15th anniversary, he has his first date with a guy. He's trying to pass it off as a casual get together with an old friend, but I could just tell by the look on his face and the "casual" way he tried to make it sound that there is more to it than that. His friend is gay...he's gay...there will most likely be beer or some other hard(no pun intended) beverages involved, they are watching a movie together at this guy's do you guys think this sounds?

He knows I've been somewhat depressed over our "anniversary" coming up, I really can't tell you why. I did fairly well last year...I almost forgot it was our anniversary (which is hard to do when you do something stupid like get married on new year's eve), but this year has been hard. Maybe because it was always kind of a milestone in our heads. We used to talk in terms of how far from 40 we were....we'd be married 15 years, Tanner would be almost 15 years old...etc. It was always so hard to fathom what our life would look like at 40. I can guarantee you I never thought it would look like this.

Anyway, him having his first date shouldn't really matter much. It isn't as if I would have wanted this marriage anymore if he stayed celibate for the rest of his life. Why then do I feel physically ill every time I think about him taking this next step?

I just talked to him about it and supposedly it isn't a date. Just two gay guys getting together for a movie and an introduction to World of Warcraft. A friend of mine on the SSN list I'm on said the following which got me laughing:

"2 gay guys, alone, watching a movie over NYE? No party? No Celebration? No Dancing? Sounds like a damn date to me. Either that or an incredibly sad night."

Hehe, thanks Kev. Whatever this is what it is. I guess it is better than having us two home together trying to avoid the elephant in the room (and I don't mean ME for once ;)

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cmoursler said...

I have a fantastic new years resolution for you.
Don't call yourself names anymore.
Hows about everytime some god awful name for yourself pops into your head you say to yourself "I will feel bad about myself tomorrow."
And then let the thought slip away, if it pops up it again.
This is a powerful way to beat the negative voice in your head.
That voice is the one that brings you down and tells you what does it matter if I eat this, I am a cow or an elephant or whatever, and noone will care or notice.
You are important. You care.
You notice.
Speak to yourself nicely.

Diana said...

I've been reading your blog for quite a while but rarely comment.

You're such an amazing lady, smart, funny, witty. I love reading your blog.

So I have to ask this quesiton. You're such a wonderful person, don't you think you deserve better? I do.

This would tear me apart. I already have incredibly low self-esteem but if my gay husband was going on a date with another gay guy (and it's a date, I don't care what he says) I'd be devastated.

I hope this is really a year of changes for you and Erik. You deserve so much more in life. You deserve to be treated with love and respect.

I wish you the very best for in the coming year. I hope to see you change and get the love you deserve.

Oh - and don't be sad tonight. This coming year is a new beginning for you. A year where amazing things will hapen to you. I just know it. :)

Take care. I'll be checking back to see how it goes.

My Big Fat Super Super Obese Blog said...

Chris, you are so right...I know I think the whole talking bad about myself was something I developed early in life as an overweight child, teenager. I guess I felt like it hurt less if I beat people to the punch and insulted myself before they could insult me or find fault with me because of my weight. You are right though, the way I view myself and talk about myself definitely contributes to why I tend to get so darn stuck. I will work on this over the coming year. Thanks for being such a dedicated reader and supporter of my blog. I may not comment much but I follow yours as well and I'm always struck by your wisdom and insight.

My Big Fat Super Super Obese Blog said...

oops diana, my comments to you didn't paste :( Thanks so much for commenting. I know that I deserve better and honestly, so does erik. I don't necessarily mean better than me can you improve on perfection ;) but certainly better in "more authentic." Of course I'm assuming his next romantic interest will be a man, if it is a woman then he and I will have another load of crap to work out in therapy lol.

I really feel as though this year will be make or break for me. I have to make changes...whether I seek surgical assistance or not, I have to do it. I can't live this way anymore. I want MORE!

karen said...

It's a date. Your a wonderful person and mom. Look in the mirror and say I am a wonderful person and mom. He sucks. Have a Happy New Year!!!!

Anonymous said...

Thank you so much for writing this blog! As a woman with 200 lbs to loose it is encouraging to hear someone else voice similar feelings that I have. I am not brave enough to blog as you are, but know that I will be reading your blog often and really appreciate what you're doing!

Anonymous said...

Would you allow this man to treat you this way if you were 160lbs? I don't think so. My husband has withdrawn from me sexually as the weight has gone on. It has even crossed my mind that he might be gay. Sue he loves me, treats me with kindness, but he does not make me feel like a woman. I think this is part of out problem, we stop feeling like women, so we don't get treated like one.

You know what I did? I started acting like I was 140lb. Paid to have my hair done, shaved bits of me that had not seen the light for years and even bought some frilly underwear (yes you can get it in super plus size). I might not be getting any, but acting like I do has been getting this super obese women some looks for the first time in years.

It is not about the food, but what we lack is self respect. If we cannot even treat ourselves right, others won't do the same. I have a lot of lbs to lose, but that doesn't not mean people can treat me badly and I have started biting back.

You deserve better and once you start to realise this you will find strength. Being super obese does not make us any less of a woman.

Val said...

You are such a strong person. I don't think being upset at this step in Erik's life makes you any less're only human! I would be devastated :(
I hope 2010 is an awesome year for you!! I love reading your blog, and I know you can be successful :) And I LOVE Chris's suggestion of resolving to treat yourself kinder-that's a resolution we should all make :)

Anonymous said...

I have a suggestion for you. Write out a list of goals this year and how you are going to reach them. It can be anything! No matter how big and impossible they may seem there is no bounds to what you can achieve if you put your mind to it. You are inspiring!