Surgery

I am updating this for Michelle. Her surgery took a little longer than expected but the Dr. said that everything looked really good. He was really glad that she was able to loose some additional weight because he may not have been able to do it otherwise. Today is Day 1 of her new life and I know she is going to do Great and be incredibly successful in her weight lose and getting her life back. I'm sure she will be happy to start posting as soon as she gets home. Lots more to come, so get ready! ~ Erik

New Beginnings

I can’t believe that by this time tomorrow I am going to be recuperating from surgery and hopefully walking the halls of my hospital in a circus tent of a hospital gown with my arse hanging out the back and my bra-less “ta-ta’s” tick-tocking across my chest as I make my rounds. That’s a great mental image isn’t it? The image will be much improved when I’m walking the halls after post weight loss plastic surgery in a few years, but we’ll have to wait a bit for that one.

I’ve been keeping myself busy working, but having a lot of trouble concentrating. Erik went through my closet with me yesterday and we sorted clothes out according to size. These are all the “incentive” clothes I’ve bought over the years. Some of the stuff I must have got dirt cheap or something because it was butt ugly lol. We decided to just get rid of those. Included in the WTF pile was the lime green plaid shirt I’m wearing in one of the before pictures on my blog, a pink pair of pants, a pink gingham shirt and winter clothing that was about one size down from where I am now since I’m likely to have outgrown it by the time winter rolls around. I discovered that I have TONS of clothes in the 3x-4x range, a few in the 26-28 range and a handful of clothes in sizes smaller than that. For now, I think I’m just going to tackle the clothing issue when it becomes an issue. I’d rather not spend anymore money on clothing I KNOW I BETTER grow out of (22/24 18/20, etc). Instead, I’d like to continue to check clearance sales and start building up a wardrobe for maintenance which I’m guessing/hoping will put me at around a size 10/12 or 14/16? I can never see myself much smaller than that honestly. It has been fun fantasy shopping though.

Speaking of incentives...someone mentioned that one of the ways they rewarded themselves for weight loss was with a charm bracelet. With a certain number of pounds lost, they would add another charm to the bracelet. I really like this idea because finally being able to WEAR it would be something special since most bracelets will not fit my wrists (even when I was thinner, my huge bone structure often dictated an 8 or 8.5” bracelet). I also liked that it would be something I could wear as a constant reminder of my journey. Every time I thought about reaching for something I shouldn’t eat, it would be there jingling and reminding me of all my hard work. Because I inherited my grandmother and mom’s champagne appetite on a beer budget, I’ve been fantasy shopping at Tiffany’s (when I should hang a left and go to James Avery ;) I have no idea when I will even be able to afford the starter bracelet, but whenever that is, I’d like to have it inscribed with the phrase “Love Yourself” because that is what this journey should be about…loving and valuing myself enough to get healthy and LIVE my life!

I realize this surgery isn’t going to cure anything. I still have a long road ahead of me and lots of hard work to do, but I really feel like I’m finally on the road to a healthier me. It is exciting and terrifying all at the same time because I’ve spent SO LONG in this body, I’m not sure what to expect once the chains come off. Thanks to everyone who has read my blog and supported me in so many ways over the last year and a half. I really believe that blogging has helped me get off the 46 lbs I've lost since starting this blog (I'm at 419 as of today). In the past, I would probably have gained another 30-40 lbs during that same time period so at the very least, you guys have kept me focused enough to avoid that and I thank you.

With all that said, here’s to new beginnings xx

Facing my demons

I have been avoiding my blog like the plague! That is obvious to you guys of course, but don’t take it personally. I have just really been struggling with anxiety about the surgery and I guess blogging = thinking/talking about it = the avoidance. Nice healthy way to deal with my feelings right?

I’ve actually written several different posts, but didn’t post them because they just sounded like this laundry list of “what I’ve been doing.” Not that I have to have profound insight every time I write, but if I’m bored reading it, I don’t want to post it and bore you guys.

I don’t want you to think I’m having second thoughts about the surgery. I know I need to do this. I’m very much looking forward to being on the other side of the surgery. As I’ve said a zillion times, if I didn’t have Tanner to worry about, I’d wear bells to the operating room. I think it makes it more difficult knowing that HE is old enough to understand what I’m going to be doing and has his own anxiety about it. Bless his heart, he’s trying to be brave for me though. Yesterday, I apologized to him for being kind of short with him and just explained that I was getting nervous about the surgery so that made me kind of cranky. He took my hand in both of his and said “Don’t worry mom, you are going to be ok…I promise.” Wahhhhhhhhh! He was such a sweetheart about it and then later, Erik tells me that he told his therapist that he was worried about the surgery because it was “risky” (not a word he has ever used before lol). The doctor tried to help him put it into perspective by asking him how risky he thought it was and Tanner, in typical Tanner fashion said “A little bit risky, a little bit not risky” which of course reminded me about the time he said the dinner I’d cooked one evening was “A little bit good, a little bit terrible.” He’s not one to commit to anything that Tanner.

So, knowing that my kiddo was putting on a brave face for ME when he was really feeling anxiety of his own just broke my heart :( I talked to him a little more last night though and showed him a simplified video of what the doctor is going to be doing so he would have some idea. I also told him that my doctor is a specialist in laparoscopic surgery and that the doctor wasn’t worried at all. I’m sure he’ll still be concerned, but hopefully it helped.

Erik is concerned as well. The other day, he was taking me to a doctor’s appointment and I asked him how he was feeling about everything. He said that he was anxious, but excited for me all at the same time. He’s always bitched and moaned about the money I spent on “incentive” clothes I’d buy on clearance in smaller sizes, most of which are in my closet as we speak with the tags still on them. He told me that he is looking forward to watching me get into all the new clothes and essentially watching me get my old self back. One of the things he said he always loved about me was how well I took care of myself (apart from the weight thing lol). I always had my hair, nails and makeup done, cute clothes, etc. The heavier I got, the more I just said….what the heck until all I wore pretty much were tshirts and workout pants (because I’m such a sporty 400+woman ya know…).

We also had another talk about the whole swimming pool incident. I was pretty honest with him about how it made me feel and Erik basically told me that the whole thing said more about HIM and his flaws than it did about me. He apologized again and I could tell that he really was upset that it had upset me so much. I still don’t think he’d jump at the chance to accompany me to the swimming pool, but what I did realize is that he does care about me…he’s just flawed in some ways like we all are. Tonight, he is going to help me go through my closet and organize the clothing by size so that I know what I have and can have an idea about when I can start trying certain things on. I may even take a few pics and blog about the experience tomorrow.

As an update on the surgery, I will be having it this Tuesday June 29th at 11:00AM CST so keep me in your prayers if you are the praying sort :) I plan on having Erik post an update if he has time. He will for sure be updating my facebook acct and I know some of you are on there too.

Short and Sweet Update. (famous last words)

I don't know if it was because I was running my butt all over today or what, but I feel SOOOOOOOOO drained. I had my labs at 9am and had to go to a few different offices to get everything set up for the surgery, didn't get home until 11:30 and hadn't eaten a thing yet. I cut up a roma tomato, put some low fat tuna on top with a few jalepenos and ate that with a perrier while I put on my make up for my appointment with my doctor. I have a little crush on my doc so I had to look pretty for him ;)

My friend shannon came and picked me up and we headed off to the doc. My blood pressure was up a bit when they took it at the office, but I think it was because I was late taking my meds because I couldn't eat this morning (my labs had to be fasting...as if I'm not fasting enough already lol). I also kind of wonder if the elevated blood pressure wasn't contributing to my blah feelings. I just was sooo tired and my muscles felt really fatigued. It could also be that I'm basically acclimating to a low carb diet and day 3 or 4 usually sucks. Anyway, long story short...the doctor was very pleased with my weight loss. When I weighed at home this morning it was 425 and some change. At his office it was 423. When I got home today, I was at 420 lol. I'm sure I was mostly uber dehydrated though because all I'd had to drink all day was the one perrier! The doc answered all my questions, explained that the surgery was still riskier for me because of my size, but he said that if he got in there and didn't feel like he could do the surgery laparoscopically, he would just close me up (he's just making a few holes for the instruments) and give me a few more months to get some weight off before attempting the surgery again. This made me feel a lot better because I was somewhat worried he would convert to an open procedure which would make the whole thing riskier all the way around.

We also discussed the whole issue of whether I'd need a second surgery. Can I lose all my weight with just the sleeve, etc. He said that now, he really thinks I can probably lose all the weight I want to lose with just the sleeve. He told me to stay motivated, keep on working out because building muscle mass was going to be the main key to continued weight loss and maintenance since muscle burns fat. All in all, he seems to think he is going to be able to do the surgery no problem and thinks that I'm going to be a huge success (I'm sure he talks up all his patients though ;)

I had asked my friend shannon to go with me because she is also considering WLS, but her mother had the lap band and the doctor that did her surgery ONLY does the lap band. I had tried to talk to shannon about the sleeve, but she just kept insisting that she was dead set against going to this other doctor and getting the lap band and I didn't want her to feel like I was pressuring her to get the sleeve or the RNY. I think the lap band is great for some people, but I really had misgivings about whether it was the right thing for her. She weighs less than I do, but not by much and she is several inches shorter than me. She also doesn't handle pain or discomfort well and most of the people I know that had the lap band, really talk about how difficult it was to adjust. Two of my friends said they figured the only reason they were losing weight was because they threw up more than half of what they ate because the band would often make eating anything extremely difficult or get stuck and be painful. However, her mom had the lap band and has done amazing! She's lost most of her weight and hasn't really had any problems at all, but I just really had a gut feeling that it wasn't the right choice for Shannon and since she was having to pay out of pocket, I was worried she'd get the lap and perhaps wish later that she had gotten the sleeve or the RNY.

SO, shannon talked to my doctor while she was there, and we also talked with two women out in the waiting room (one had the RNY and the other had the sleeve one week ago) and they looked AMAZING! I would have never guessed that they had major surgery last week. The one that had the sleeve said she was back at work the next day (she works from home, but it gave me some comfort in knowing that I might be able to get back to work asap as well). They both said that the WORST thing about the surgery was the gas they fill you up with and said that it was just uncomfortable pain in the center of their chest the first two days, but that it eventually subsided the more they walked. I think hearing their feedback kind of put shannon's mind at ease about the sleeve so she may actually be scheduling her surgery later this summer :) I'm so excited that we will both be starting this journey together!!

I know this blog is a rambling mess, but I wanted to update you guys. Right now, I am exhausted, starving, and my body feels like a mack truck hit it (we worked out after my doctor's appt) but I am grinning like a fool again I'm so excited and having the best time fantasizing about what I'm going to look like and what I'm going to be doing when the new year rolls around :)

PS. i forgot to add...the little bag of gold scraps I had sold for $498.00!! When the woman told me I said "Cool! I needed $500.00 for my surgery!" and she said "I'll write it for $500.00." I was so glad that I didn't have to rely on my friend for the money...whew!

425.7....Yeah Baby!

10 more pounds to go!! I stepped on the scale first thing this morning because I wanted to see where I was at considering my pre-op appointment is this morning. I have to go for my lab work in a few hours so this is going to be short as I have to jump in the shower and get myself all beautified.

I have my appointment with my surgeon at 1:45pm and I'm trying to prepare myself for the fact that he may postpone the surgery. The last time I saw him, he told me that if I didn't have at least 30 lbs off he would, but I can't remember if that is at the pre-op appointment or right before the surgery. I'm prepared either way really. I'll be disappointed if we have to postpone, but figure it will give me some more time to adapt to this diet (which so far, so good. Second day with the meals flipped is working like a charm) and lose a little more weight, maybe even get under 400 lbs which was my initial goal. If we have to postpone, more than likely I will put it off until after Tanner's Birthday which is at the end of July.

I also talked to a very good friend of mine last night who has agreed to help make up the difference in the money for the surgery if I need the help. I used to work with her and she is absolutely one of my most favorite people in the universe (even if she is a democrat...little joke between us :P)! She is hilarious, compassionate, caring and I'm going to miss her when she moves all the way to North Carolina (booooooo). I'm mad at myself because since I quit the job we worked together at, I've been meaning to get back up to see her (she works in Austin about 75 miles from where I live), but due to my weight issues, just never got around to it and now she's leaving :( Mary, if you are reading this, I can't thank you enough and I truly love you am blessed to have you in my life xx

I'm still hoping to get the money together on my own if possible. After my labs I'm going to see what I can get for my little bag of gold. It feels pretty heavy so I'm hoping I can get a decent amount for it. I'm hoping for at least a few hundred dollars at least, but who knows? keep your fingers crossed for me. I'd much rather not have to borrow any money at all.

Kudos & Kvetching: What better combination is there?

Guess who just walked to the end of her street and back? Yeah! That badass in question would be ME, yours truly, moi!! I looked like hell, was breathing like a whale in heat and collapsed as soon as I got through my front door, but I made it :) Before you get tooooooo proud of me, “the end of my street and back” means “from my front door to the closest end of my street and back.” If I turn right at the end of my driveway, it is about .2 miles to the end of my street which means if we kinda sorta round up just to make me feel even MORE awesome…I walked almost a freaking HALF A MILE in about 7-10 minutes!!!! Remember when I couldn’t get to the end of my driveway and back? I was feeling super crappy prior to the walk (more on this later), but now I feel like SUPERWOMAN *big grin* Yeah, going to have to change the name of my blog any day now ;)

I was really surprised at how much more of a workout it was walking on the street vs. walking on the treadmill. I decided to go outside today for a few reasons; first of all, I was feeling a bit overwhelmed and frustrated and felt like the fresh air and sunshine might perk me up. Second, I really want to work towards being able to take a decent walk with Tanner in the evenings. Third, my pre-surgery goal for walking is to be able to walk 10-15 minutes at a stretch. After my surgery, I know that walking is going to speed healing and improve my chances for getting back to a decent workout faster so I want to be able to manage a fair distance before the surgery. I’ve been walking on the treadmill off an on, but usually use the supports to help support my upper body. I won’t have those bars to help me out when I’m at the hospital. All the core work I’ve been doing in the pool and at home must really be helping because my back didn’t get tired until I was almost home and I didn’t feel that horrible PULLING feeling (of my stomach pulling on my upper torso area….almost made it difficult to breath decently when walking) I felt just a month ago when I walked. If I don’t reach my pre-surgery weight loss goal, I think I may at least meet my pre-surgery fitness goal.

As of this morning I’m at 429 btw, so nice to be back under 430 again. For those of you keeping track, I have to be at 416 by surgery time. Yeah…I’m sweating it too. 13 pounds I have left to lose in about as many days (today is officially 2 weeks to D-day). The good news is that I FINALLY made it through one full day on that sadistic pre-surgery diet after flubbing on it for a week or two. For the last few weeks, I’ve been managing to make it through the day (remember I’m allowed one 8 oz shake for breakfast and one for lunch NO other food or snacks in between), but come the evening when I’m supposed to have my meal of 3 oz of protein and a small serving of green/low carb vegetables I go INSANE. I mean really, by the time dinner comes, I am so hungry, I am literally nauseous and that little meal is just enough to send my existing hunger into overdrive. What I usually end up doing is overindulging (volume-wise) in healthy foods; maybe I have a lean cuisine and 2.5 servings of broccoli or wind up eating something carby in addition to too much of something else. I still end my day under 1500 calories, but part of why I have to do this diet is to shrink my stomach and if I’m overfilling it, I’m overfilling it no matter whether it is broccoli or enchiladas.

So, what I started doing yesterday in regards to the diet is I flipped it on its head. Instead of having my meal at the end of the day, I start off with the meal, but I wait to eat it until my lunch time. I know…it is never a good idea to skip breakfast, but I’m not really hungry until about 11am and my days are usually long since I work during the day and then 2-3 hours at night before bed as well. I have some coffee in the morning as I start my work day and then at lunch made some tuna with pickles and egg whites and then ate a tennis ball sized portion with a small side salad. I didn’t have time to grab a shake before going to work out, but I wasn’t ravenous (this was about 5pm) so I just grabbed one when I got home. I showered, spent a bit of time with Tanner and then worked two hours before going to bed around 11pm. I didn’t even get the second shake in :S I’m going to make a more concerted effort to get both in today. I’m thinking that I can possibly lose at least 13 lbs over the next two weeks on this kind of diet, especially if I continue the workouts; if for no other reason than it kind of automatically limits my salt intake so I should lose most of any water weight I’ve been hanging on to.

I mentioned earlier that I was in kind of a crabby mood and was going to fill you in, but here we are several hundred words later lol. In a nutshell, I accidentally (duh, who does it on purpose?) overdrew my bank account; partly due to error (we paid our security deposit in 3 installments and I thought they had all gone through….turns out the last $500 check hadn’t) and partly due to the fact that I can only make up SO MUCH slack financially in our budget. Erik’s second job isn’t working him at all over the summer and he isn’t exactly jumping through hoops trying to find something to make up the difference in the meantime. I’m keeping a running tab now of what I pay for that he should be paying for and he IS paying me back whenever he can, but if he doesn’t have the money, he doesn’t have it.

So, I wasn’t expecting to be out that $500 or the fees I was charged for payments that were authorized which means that coming up with my down payment for the surgery just got *that* much more complicated. As it stands, I’m concerned about whether it is even possible to get the money together at this point. I wanted to have a garage sale and erik is going through the garage as we speak trying to see what we want to sell, but I’m really not sure how much we can make on our random crap.

I also have a handful of jewelry scrap gold (broken chains, bracelets, charms I don’t wear anymore, Erik’s wedding bands) that I’m going to sale at a local place that buys gold. For family members that read my blog, I’m NOT selling anything that has any sentimental value to me and certainly nothing that ever belonged to my grandmother or mom. I just wish I could find MY wedding set. It wasn’t anything extravagant, but I wouldn’t mind getting rid of that for some cash. I lost it right around the time we split up ironically enough…oh well. If worse comes to absolute worst, I know of at least two people I could probably ask to help me get the money together, but I’d really rather not have to do that.

What irritates the crap out of me is that there are at least two people that owe me money (one owes me $500 and the other owes me $200), but one is a “friend” with a relapsed drug habit who happens to be in jail at the moment and the other is an individual who knows I need money right now and have for the last several years and chooses to spend it on everything BUT any debt she might owe me. So yeah, I’ve pretty much given up on ever seeing a penny of either amount. I try and remind myself that if I had to do it over again (loan the money), I probably would because there were higher purposes for each loan, but I suppose what upsets me more is that I know both parties have had the means to pay me back for several years running, just not the desire. That is what it is difficult to let go of. Anyway, moving on. Good grief, my “nutshell” explanation took four paragraphs…I’m hopeless.

Since I don’t want to end this post on a downer, did I mention I walked almost HALF A FREAKING MILE on my own today? Yay me!

Amputation does not equal Decapitation

Ok, so I promised a big update. First of all, on the surgery front, my date for surgery has been moved up to June 29th which means I have about 2.5 weeks to D-day…YIKES! However, yesterday, I got a call from the people that did the sleep study and apparently they want me to come in for another one where they watch me sleep with the cpap on. I definitely have apnea (duh…knew that), but they need to watch me and figure out what the pressure should be, etc. This kind of throws a wrench into things because you have to be on the cpap for at least two weeks prior to surgery and they can’t get me in for the sleep study until the 20th. I contacted my doctor’s scheduler yesterday to inquire about whether it would effect the surgery date, but haven’t heard back yet. If we have to move it, I know the first two weeks of July are out for the doctor and I’m not all that excited about having it done the end of July because that is when Tanner’s birthday is.

I’m kind of worried about delaying the surgery any more because it seems this is the first time I’ve really talked myself into going through with it. I’ve psyched myself up and I just want to rip that band-aid off and do it! I also have a few people in my life who see how I’m doing now and can’t help but ask “What if you just continued on the way you are doing now and didn’t risk your life with the surgery?” I can almost sense this question coming and my immediate instinct is to press my hands tightly to the sides of my head and sing “LALALALALALALALALALA” until their lips stop moving. I know it is silly, but I realize how fragile my resolve is and this is the exact argument I’ve used for the last 10 years (I saw my first bariatric surgeon 10 years ago) to talk myself out of the surgery and we see where it has led me.

I have been yo-yo dieting for most of my life. I’m really good at getting some footing, getting a decent amount of weight off and then, for whatever reason, losing ground again. Those of you who have read my blog for any length of time have witnessed this first hand. It isn’t that I WANT to live the way I’ve been living, it is just that as strong as I’ve come to realize I can be, I have limits just like anyone else. Depending on my commitment level, I can often weather the little setbacks and persevere in my dieting and exercising pursuits, but it is the all too chronic shit storm of crap that pummels me on a semi-regular basis that beats me down. You get to a certain point where you just don’t care about anything anymore so what does it matter if you eat that entire container of ice cream or grab a big mac?

I realize that I am ALWAYS going to have to deal with my food issues. I’m amputating a good portion of my stomach, NOT my head and let’s face it…that is where most of this battle is waged. I am hoping that initially, the surgery will help with the real “hunger” issues and force me, for the first few months, to restrict my intake which should result in weight loss which should also lead to me increasing my activity level which should assist in more weight loss and hopefully, by the time I have to start relying on good old will power again, I will be better equipped and more motivated to do what needs to be done to continue on this journey. (howz about an award for creating a paragraph consisting of almost one sentence lol?)

Don’t get me wrong though…I’m not crossing my fingers and *hoping* that I’ll be better equipped. I am beginning to think ahead and trying to anticipate what my stumbling blocks are going to be. I see my surgeon this week for my pre-op appointment and I’m going to ask him for a referral to a psychologist that has some experience dealing with bariatric patients. I’m also going to start attending the bariatric support group. My weight is a physical manifestation of what is going on inside my head and I’m hoping that, by taking these measures now, I will have my head in a better place when the time comes.

Insert Rocky Theme *Here*

Where to begin? Believe it or not I’ve had at least one blog almost all written and just never posted it so now it is somewhat stale. I have lots to update on, most of it pretty awesome!!

The picture above is the actual picture of the pool I work out in. I am now up to a full hour workout and am shooting for three times a week while continuing the exercises I’m doing at home and I’m finally starting to see real results! I’ll give you an example workout in the pool:

First 15 minutes: I warm up doing a step routine. I typically start by standing on the stair and doing 50 deep squats. Because my body is partially out of the water, it works my legs without putting so much pressure on my knees. Then, facing the step, I do 50 step ups on each leg starting with my right and then moving to my left. Today I added some lateral steps and discovered that, for whatever reason, they are MUCH harder to do. I stand with the step to my right and side step up and then go back down and repeat. I could only manage 20 of those on each leg. By the time I got to 20, my thighs were a-burnin’ something awful!
Next 30 minutes: Cardio using my legs. Today I ran for 15 minutes and used some Styrofoam weights to push under water as I ran. Then I did 5 minutes holding on to the bars at the end of the pool and kicking my legs, then 5 minutes on my back, holding onto the bars and kicking my legs, then I did 5 minutes treading water with just my arms. The latter is SUPER hard, by the time I’m done, my arms feel like jelly.
Last 15 minutes: Abdominal workout. I grab onto the bar at the end and bend my legs so that my knees are pointed at the bottom of the pool and then use my abs to bring my legs up into a crunch. I do 50 of those. When those are done, I lean to one side grabbing a pole so that the left side of my body is facing the bottom of the pool and, keeping my feet together, pull my legs forward working my obliques. I do 50 on each side. I wasn’t sure that would really work my obliques, but I started them yesterday and I am feeling it today! It was funny last night because I had some discomfort in my abdomen and initially thought I was getting sick and then it dawned on me…I’m just SORE!

The last two days have been my days off so all three of us (Erik, Tanner, and myself) have been going together around noon. I go work out in the pool while the guys work out in the gym. Today, we were walking out to the car and Erik had actually made it out and into the car before either one of us so I walked out, shut the door and started walking to the car. I stopped for a second because it dawned on me that I was walking NORMALLY! Part of my problem walking has been that my muscles were so messed up from me sitting so much and getting so little activity that they had actually shortened a bit. When I would go to stand, I couldn’t straighten my legs! If I tried to stand up straight, it felt really uncomfortable, like my inner knees were going to pop or something. So, I often had to keep my knees slightly bent and my feet further apart than normal just to walk. You can imagine how difficult it was to walk in this position.

So, I stopped for a second because, for the first time in a LONG time, I felt like my old self. Putting one foot in front of the other, my legs straight, my knees bending normally without feeling like they were going to give out any second. Something so simple gave me the most incredible joy you can imagine! It’s WORKING! Regardless of what the scale is doing…this is working!

I got to the car, opened the door and sat down and went to bring my other leg into the car. Three weeks ago, when I started back to the pool, I couldn’t use my leg muscles to lift my leg up and into the car. Instead, I would have to reach under my thigh and kind of assist my leg muscles a bit in order to lift my leg in so that I could shut the door (yeah it was that bad). I noticed today that I don’t need to “assist” anymore. I was easily able to lift my leg up high enough to clear the floor of the car. I’m sure I’ve been doing this the last couple of days, but just hadn’t noticed. The first thing I did was turn to Erik and say “Oh my god Erik, I felt like I was walking almost normally there!” to which he replied “I was just thinking the same thing Michelle! I was watching you walk to the car and thought ‘Wow, she’s just walking like she used to walk!’” I think it was kind of a cool moment for the both of us.

Later, when I was working out in the pool, I realized I was grinning like a damn fool the whole time. I was so cotton picken’ PROUD of myself and happy to be actually FEELING results. I almost picture the weight I’m carrying as my body wrapped in these enormous, heavy chains and today I felt what it was like to hack a link off. I’m not free yet, but I’m free-er than I was yesterday! It is pretty awesome guys :)

Well, I do have lots more to share, but I guess I’ll include that in tomorrow’s post since this one has already gotten quite long! Hope everyone else is doing amazingly well and enjoying the beginning of the summer!

Bahhh!!! More frustrated!!

The freaking scale said 433 today WTF guys??? Seriously...for the most part I've kept my calories under 1800 calories, fat usually hovers somewhere around 30 on average so wtf is going on? The ONLY thing I can really think of is my salt intake which is absolutely out of control. I don't know what the deal is, but I've been craving it like crazy so I've been having lots of salty foods (olives, pickles, salsa) and I've been salting the absolute crap out of mostly everything I eat. Last night I had baked potatoes (2), one with salsa and a bit of light sour cream and the other with ICBINB spray and a bit of sour cream and i swear I felt like I was salting it every 5 seconds.

I suppose I could be retaining quite a bit of water, but geez...it sucks to see the scale moving up when you are working out and eating better than you have in quite some time. I'm going to the gym in a few minutes and I think I'm going to work out in the gym rather than the pool today. They have one of those hand bikes there (the kind where you pedal with your hands and look like an absolute idiot) I might try if I can't do the regular bike without looking like my body is having convulsions. I mean, If I keep at it, the scale has to start moving in the other direction regardless of water retention right? I may also try replacing my lunch with a protein shake and see if that helps.

Trying not to get frustrated

The scale got up to 432 and this morning is is down to 431.8, but :P on that! I know I shouldn't be weighing myself every day, but it really helps keep me focused. I'm telling myself that maybe the fact that I'm working out more is effecting the actual weight loss I see since I'm obviously building muscle, but it just isn't making me feel any better. Oh well, I'll persevere and eventually the scale will get moving again.

Yesterday I managed two 6 minute treks on the treadmill, but today my knee is in bad shape. I think I'm just going to have to swear off the treadmill for a little while longer which is frustrating as well since I have a nice big one right here at home. I went to the gym yesterday and worked out in the pool as well and did my modified crunches at home. Today I'm off so I'm going to try going to the gym a little early so that I can get some time in on a bike before heading to the pool. I'll let you know how it goes.

Don't worry, this isn't going to get me off track. I know it is all part of the process and if I continue, I am either going to weigh less or at the very least, be in much better shape by the end of the month than I am now. I'm already enjoying the fact that when I get up and down from a seated position I can do so much easier and apart from my knee, I'm already walking a bit better. Yesterday's walk to and from the gym from the parking lot was easier and my breathing recovered much faster so I KNOW what I'm doing is having some kind of positive impact!!