Frustrated

On a night when I am so frustrated, I literally have tears streaming down my face as I write this, I find myself feeling as if I have this tremendous ball of tangled string in my lap and the more I pull and tug trying to sort it out, the bigger mess I make. Tonight is definitely a night when I just want to pull out a pair of scissors and start cutting out the knots. I’m tired of trying to tease them apart, trying to salvage the yarn or string because…what will I do with it once I have it straightened out? Better to just save myself the trouble, cut out the knots and tie the loose ends together. Sure, I’ll butcher the tangled mess and it won’t really be usable afterwards, but at least there will be some continuity.

What does this mean? I don’t know really. I feel completely weighed down by life and circumstances right now. I feel stuck on so many levels and I seem to keep making the same bad choices over and over and over and over. At what point do you just cut your losses and move on? Is it too much to want just ONE THING in your life to be effortless? Haven’t I paid my dues? Jesus Christ, I just want to be able to fucking EXHALE for once in my damn life and I just don’t think it is ever going to happen.

Forgive me, I’m just having a melancholy moment I’m sure I’ll be over in the morning. I’ve gotten my first period in about four months so I’m sure that has something to do with it, but I’m also dealing with incredible frustration where Erik is concerned, finances, other personal issues, etc and I’m to the point where I’m just so TIRED of the same crap coming up time and time and time again, that I just want to chuck the whole darn mess and start over somewhere new where I can re-create myself; where people don’t know *this* version of me; where I don’t have to explain the gay husband, the special needs son, my weird f’d up relationship with men and how I’ll probably never be able to have a real and genuine relationship with anyone man or woman because on some very real and fundamental level, I don’t think I’m worth it.

I’m tired of feeling broken, damaged, shattered and trying to keep the pieces together with prayers and promises. God, I hate even typing that because I know it is SO not true and about as f’ing pathetic as it can get. I’m not perfect, but geez I really do try and live my life the best I can. I have a hell of a lot to offer on so many levels, so WHY can’t I embrace that and live my life accordingly?

Why is my knee jerk reaction constantly trying to figure out what I did wrong or trying to determine what MORE I need to do when I’m already stretched to the breaking point? When will I ever feel comfortable holding other people accountable when appropriate and stop trying to make excuses for their behavior?

Sometimes I find myself wanting to wear a mask like Erik did for so many years. A mask that will allow me to live “as if” my life had gone as I had dreamed it might. As if it hadn’t taken the opposite turn at every possible fork in my life’s road leading me down paths of disappointment and disillusion.

Again, I know this is just another little pity party I’m throwing for myself. I hope you don’t mind letting me just get this out of my system though because I truly feel that if I don’t, something is going to give in a very big way..

On a more positive note…I was down to 301 this morning and I’ve been walking pretty regularly the past 2-3 weeks. Tonight, I went for a walk out at a local park because I knew it would relax me after the last few days (which included lots of Tanner drama, Erik drama, and our car getting stolen…yeah…not kidding). I’m finding that this is a good outlet for me. While I sound like a basket case at the moment, trust me…I’m just having a “moment.” For the most part, despite all the crap that has been going on the last few days, I am still trying to focus on the wonderful things that are different about my life now. I enjoy looking in the mirror because I finally feel like the outside is beginning to reflect what is inside. I know this pretty much negates everything I’ve said earlier in this post, but …ultimately, I am honestly feeling more confident and valued beyond what I have to offer physically. While this post may not sound like it, I know that I am making a slow, plodding progress. Sometimes it just feels like I’m treading water though and its frustrating.