My Progress!

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Frustrated

On a night when I am so frustrated, I literally have tears streaming down my face as I write this, I find myself feeling as if I have this tremendous ball of tangled string in my lap and the more I pull and tug trying to sort it out, the bigger mess I make. Tonight is definitely a night when I just want to pull out a pair of scissors and start cutting out the knots. I’m tired of trying to tease them apart, trying to salvage the yarn or string because…what will I do with it once I have it straightened out? Better to just save myself the trouble, cut out the knots and tie the loose ends together. Sure, I’ll butcher the tangled mess and it won’t really be usable afterwards, but at least there will be some continuity.

What does this mean? I don’t know really. I feel completely weighed down by life and circumstances right now. I feel stuck on so many levels and I seem to keep making the same bad choices over and over and over and over. At what point do you just cut your losses and move on? Is it too much to want just ONE THING in your life to be effortless? Haven’t I paid my dues? Jesus Christ, I just want to be able to fucking EXHALE for once in my damn life and I just don’t think it is ever going to happen.

Forgive me, I’m just having a melancholy moment I’m sure I’ll be over in the morning. I’ve gotten my first period in about four months so I’m sure that has something to do with it, but I’m also dealing with incredible frustration where Erik is concerned, finances, other personal issues, etc and I’m to the point where I’m just so TIRED of the same crap coming up time and time and time again, that I just want to chuck the whole darn mess and start over somewhere new where I can re-create myself; where people don’t know *this* version of me; where I don’t have to explain the gay husband, the special needs son, my weird f’d up relationship with men and how I’ll probably never be able to have a real and genuine relationship with anyone man or woman because on some very real and fundamental level, I don’t think I’m worth it.

I’m tired of feeling broken, damaged, shattered and trying to keep the pieces together with prayers and promises. God, I hate even typing that because I know it is SO not true and about as f’ing pathetic as it can get. I’m not perfect, but geez I really do try and live my life the best I can. I have a hell of a lot to offer on so many levels, so WHY can’t I embrace that and live my life accordingly?

Why is my knee jerk reaction constantly trying to figure out what I did wrong or trying to determine what MORE I need to do when I’m already stretched to the breaking point? When will I ever feel comfortable holding other people accountable when appropriate and stop trying to make excuses for their behavior?

Sometimes I find myself wanting to wear a mask like Erik did for so many years. A mask that will allow me to live “as if” my life had gone as I had dreamed it might. As if it hadn’t taken the opposite turn at every possible fork in my life’s road leading me down paths of disappointment and disillusion.

Again, I know this is just another little pity party I’m throwing for myself. I hope you don’t mind letting me just get this out of my system though because I truly feel that if I don’t, something is going to give in a very big way..

On a more positive note…I was down to 301 this morning and I’ve been walking pretty regularly the past 2-3 weeks. Tonight, I went for a walk out at a local park because I knew it would relax me after the last few days (which included lots of Tanner drama, Erik drama, and our car getting stolen…yeah…not kidding). I’m finding that this is a good outlet for me. While I sound like a basket case at the moment, trust me…I’m just having a “moment.” For the most part, despite all the crap that has been going on the last few days, I am still trying to focus on the wonderful things that are different about my life now. I enjoy looking in the mirror because I finally feel like the outside is beginning to reflect what is inside. I know this pretty much negates everything I’ve said earlier in this post, but …ultimately, I am honestly feeling more confident and valued beyond what I have to offer physically. While this post may not sound like it, I know that I am making a slow, plodding progress. Sometimes it just feels like I’m treading water though and its frustrating.

10 Comments:

Ron from NJ said...

So sorry...nothing else really comes to mind since I tend to have similar thoughts so I wanted you to know you aren't alone.

jo said...

Life can be so damned frustrating sometimes. Shit hits the fan all at once, doesn't it? I think it's good to vent, to get it out of your system, so it doesn't fester. Your last paragraph is probably a truer picture of where you are right now--but feel free to vent whenever. It's your blog.

Best wishes.

Sarah G said...

((big hugs)) So sorry all this is crashing in on you all at once.

Diana said...

Having a few hormones beating the crap out of you? :) I hope you're feeling better when you read this.

I know you're just ranting, we all have to do that from time to time. It just feels better to get it out.

Sure, life's not perfect, but as you said, your life is so much better as you're losing weight and the outside is starting to reflect the beautiful woman on the inside.

Hugs to you!

RushBoysMama said...

I'm sorry to hear so much is coming down on you right now. I'm having a pretty crappy time right now too. Hopefully if we just find SOMETHING positive to focus on it will help a little bit.

Keep your head up! : )

Val said...

I'm sooooo so sorry everything is coming in on you.
It will get better. Trite but true :D
You're in my thoughts!

mandatorybloghere said...

totally hormones lol hang in there. who has this perfect life you speak off? no one i know

Anonymous said...

I haven't left a response on anyone's blog before and just recently found your site. I felt compelled to respond to tell you that you have a lot of company in these "moments", but your ability to keep losing weight and keep writing with all that you are going through shows unusual strength. You write very well and your words are valuable. Keep moving forward and know you have support from random people out in the world. Thank you for sharing yourself with us!

Christine said...

1.) you are FEELING YOUR FEELINGS!!! Not eating them. That's good.

2.) I swear I think this is the first mini melt down/rant/ psychological vent I have seen on your blog....this is all from the inside and they are all QUESTIONS YOU NEED TO ANSWER.

These are my favorite kind of blog posts...when you feel better don't blow these questions off as the product of a depressed mind...these are the questions that need to be answered for long term relationship success and long term mental stability.
WHY DID YOU PICK ERIC.
WHY DO YOU FEEL UNWORTHY OF LOVE
WHY do you keep finding people who will suck you dry?
GREAT questions.

and you have to find the answers..and they are usually from childhood...and when you find them you have to do what it takes to fix your mind. I know I am a little too excited...but this is the hump I AM ALWAYS TALKING ABOUT.. Here it is: Your great wall.
find the answers to these questions, figure out what is causing that glitch in your head...and you will leap that wall and never look back!
I am so excited for you.
Big hugs.
You can do this.

Lauralee said...

I really can relate to this. (I found your blog a couple of months ago and I love it.) I too have had gastric bypass and your bike entry actually inspired me to get a bike and get moving. You're doing awesome, and I admire you!