More thoughts on dating

I mentioned that I took down all the profiles I had put up on various dating sites for the time being, but there were three men I had stayed in touch with. The first was the guy I went out with in my post a few weeks ago. I had explained that I was interested in friendship and if that was ok with him, I thought we had a lot in common and would love to stay friends. (this is the guy I actually went out with, not the crazy one that started talking marriage and children before the first date)

The other two men were very interesting and intelligent men that I also seemed to share a lot in common with. I contacted both, explained that I had changed my mind about dating at this time, but would love to stay friends if they were interested. Both seemed open to that as well. I communicated with one for a bit, but he hasn’t replied since my last email so I’m assuming he is busy or maybe not interested in a friendship.

I’ve continued emailing the other man and we seem to get along great so far. We share a lot of the same interests and activities (He’s a writer and loves photography) and while I’ve been much more careful about sharing my personal info, I think we will ultimately probably get together for coffee or something at some point. He seems very intelligent and has been a perfect gentleman up to this point which is a nice change of pace considering my brief experiment in the online dating world.

Speaking of horror stories…the first guy kind of morphed into a not so great story. I feel kind of bad about it though because I feel as if I led him on out of sheer naiveté. I took him at his word that we were friends so when he started joking/flirting, etc I thought it was just kind of a running joke between us and played along. Like I told Erik later…I flirt with my girlfriends! I flirt with old men. I flirt with cute little babies. I’m a HUGE flirt period and I guess I don’t realize that most straight men aren’t going to laugh it up and take with a grain of salt…they are going to take it seriously. I honestly thought this guy had no attraction to me whatsoever or I would have never joked around with him about some of it, but he was a funny guy and I have the same sense of humor so…as usual, got myself into a bit of a situation here. I won’t go into details because overall, I think this was a decent guy, just lonely and based on my behavior; he assumed I was open to more than friendship despite what I had said initially. Sadly, what happened will probably mean we can’t continue as friends as it would be too awkward.

I felt horrible about it all yesterday. Erik even sat down with me because he KNOWS me. He knows my history, all the attention I got from older men as a young girl and how it has shaped how I relate to men now. I told him that this situation made me feel exactly how I did when, at 9 years old, the nice old man I had befriended invited me over and discouraged me from bringing my mom so he could “love me up.” It was exactly the same way I felt at 13 when the man I used to see every day throwing my paper route invited me over for dinner that following weekend. It was exactly how I felt when any friendship with the opposite sex took an obvious and all too abrupt turn down a road I wasn’t ready to travel. I’m sure that is why I ended up with Erik…because he let me set the pace. I was the assertive one in the relationship. Erik even said, he is very uncomfortable initiating things whether it is conversation or otherwise, so that probably made me feel more comfortable. That, and the fact that we were friends two years before it ever went beyond friendship.

Incidentally, Erik was really sweet about the whole thing. I made a comment like “Geez Erik, seriously…even at this weight, why in the world would a guy be chomping at the bit to hop in to bed with me anyway??” Erik’s answer: “Because you are beautiful Michelle. You are beautiful and you have this personality and energy that is just…there is just something about you so you shouldn’t be surprised and when men show an interest in you, you shouldn’t blow it off thinking they don’t mean it and are just trying to be nice.” (which is what I guess I did with this other guy). He also said I needed to get over worrying about “hurting someone’s feelings” and that with men I needed to be very direct and to the point because if I beat around the bush and left an opening at all, they are going to think I am open to whatever they are offering.

Ok blog buddies. Lesson learned. I obviously still have some learning to do about men and I’m obviously not ready to date right now. I don’t think it is a coincidence that most of my weight started coming on around the age I started getting all this unwanted attention and I certainly don’t want to subconsciously sabotage myself by re-creating those scenarios in my adult life right now.

I obviously still have issues to work through when it comes to men and my relationships with men. I’m sure I will get there eventually, but right now I’m going to stay focused on my weight loss/health and possibly start some counseling to sort through some of these issues so that when I do reach my goal, they don’t trigger a relapse.

For now, can you guys tell me something? In your dating experience, do straight men all act like a bunch of horndogs in heat? Are there any men who can control themselves and actually try to build on a relationship with a woman and respect her boundaries or all they ALL going to try to get what they can if they think there is the slightest possibility? Otherwise, I’m beginning to feel like I must be walking around with EASY tattooed across my forehead which would of course be false advertising in my case lol. Maybe because I’m overweight they think I’m desperate?