My Progress!

Monday, January 17, 2011

More thoughts on dating

I mentioned that I took down all the profiles I had put up on various dating sites for the time being, but there were three men I had stayed in touch with. The first was the guy I went out with in my post a few weeks ago. I had explained that I was interested in friendship and if that was ok with him, I thought we had a lot in common and would love to stay friends. (this is the guy I actually went out with, not the crazy one that started talking marriage and children before the first date)

The other two men were very interesting and intelligent men that I also seemed to share a lot in common with. I contacted both, explained that I had changed my mind about dating at this time, but would love to stay friends if they were interested. Both seemed open to that as well. I communicated with one for a bit, but he hasn’t replied since my last email so I’m assuming he is busy or maybe not interested in a friendship.

I’ve continued emailing the other man and we seem to get along great so far. We share a lot of the same interests and activities (He’s a writer and loves photography) and while I’ve been much more careful about sharing my personal info, I think we will ultimately probably get together for coffee or something at some point. He seems very intelligent and has been a perfect gentleman up to this point which is a nice change of pace considering my brief experiment in the online dating world.

Speaking of horror stories…the first guy kind of morphed into a not so great story. I feel kind of bad about it though because I feel as if I led him on out of sheer naiveté. I took him at his word that we were friends so when he started joking/flirting, etc I thought it was just kind of a running joke between us and played along. Like I told Erik later…I flirt with my girlfriends! I flirt with old men. I flirt with cute little babies. I’m a HUGE flirt period and I guess I don’t realize that most straight men aren’t going to laugh it up and take with a grain of salt…they are going to take it seriously. I honestly thought this guy had no attraction to me whatsoever or I would have never joked around with him about some of it, but he was a funny guy and I have the same sense of humor so…as usual, got myself into a bit of a situation here. I won’t go into details because overall, I think this was a decent guy, just lonely and based on my behavior; he assumed I was open to more than friendship despite what I had said initially. Sadly, what happened will probably mean we can’t continue as friends as it would be too awkward.

I felt horrible about it all yesterday. Erik even sat down with me because he KNOWS me. He knows my history, all the attention I got from older men as a young girl and how it has shaped how I relate to men now. I told him that this situation made me feel exactly how I did when, at 9 years old, the nice old man I had befriended invited me over and discouraged me from bringing my mom so he could “love me up.” It was exactly the same way I felt at 13 when the man I used to see every day throwing my paper route invited me over for dinner that following weekend. It was exactly how I felt when any friendship with the opposite sex took an obvious and all too abrupt turn down a road I wasn’t ready to travel. I’m sure that is why I ended up with Erik…because he let me set the pace. I was the assertive one in the relationship. Erik even said, he is very uncomfortable initiating things whether it is conversation or otherwise, so that probably made me feel more comfortable. That, and the fact that we were friends two years before it ever went beyond friendship.

Incidentally, Erik was really sweet about the whole thing. I made a comment like “Geez Erik, seriously…even at this weight, why in the world would a guy be chomping at the bit to hop in to bed with me anyway??” Erik’s answer: “Because you are beautiful Michelle. You are beautiful and you have this personality and energy that is just…there is just something about you so you shouldn’t be surprised and when men show an interest in you, you shouldn’t blow it off thinking they don’t mean it and are just trying to be nice.” (which is what I guess I did with this other guy). He also said I needed to get over worrying about “hurting someone’s feelings” and that with men I needed to be very direct and to the point because if I beat around the bush and left an opening at all, they are going to think I am open to whatever they are offering.

Ok blog buddies. Lesson learned. I obviously still have some learning to do about men and I’m obviously not ready to date right now. I don’t think it is a coincidence that most of my weight started coming on around the age I started getting all this unwanted attention and I certainly don’t want to subconsciously sabotage myself by re-creating those scenarios in my adult life right now.

I obviously still have issues to work through when it comes to men and my relationships with men. I’m sure I will get there eventually, but right now I’m going to stay focused on my weight loss/health and possibly start some counseling to sort through some of these issues so that when I do reach my goal, they don’t trigger a relapse.

For now, can you guys tell me something? In your dating experience, do straight men all act like a bunch of horndogs in heat? Are there any men who can control themselves and actually try to build on a relationship with a woman and respect her boundaries or all they ALL going to try to get what they can if they think there is the slightest possibility? Otherwise, I’m beginning to feel like I must be walking around with EASY tattooed across my forehead which would of course be false advertising in my case lol. Maybe because I’m overweight they think I’m desperate?


FatAngryBlog said...

Unfortunately I have to say, in my experience, most of them are complete horndogs trying to get what they can get.

Hell, Hubs and I slept together on our 2nd date.


Wish I could be of more help!

Diana said...

First, I just have to say, I love Erik. He's so sweet and he speaks the truth about you. There is something very special about you. I can see in your blog posts.

Darnit anyway, Erik would be the perfect husband for you if it wasn't for that one thing. :)

About men, well, I've been out of the dating game for over 25 years, but what I remember is that most men are sort of horndogs. It's not that you appear to be easy, it's just the way most of them are designed. They can't seem to help it.

However, I think if you're honest up front about what you want, friendship first, like Erik suggested, I think you'll stop them in their tracks. That doesn't mean that they won't still try to get you in bed, it just means they'll know what you're looking for and hopefully try to respect it most of the time.

I agree, focus on your health and weight loss for now. Eventually though, you know you're going to have to really figure out why you gained the weight in the first place. That's the real key to this whole thing. Losing it is hard, but keeping it off is harder. Even with your surgery, you still need to figure it out. :)

My Big Fat Super Super Obese Blog said...

FAB: shame on you :P Just teasing ;)

Diane: About Erik...I know, we really are perfect together except for that one minor detail. We often talk about how difficult it is going to be when we actually do move on with our lives. We've been in daily contact with each other for over half our lives at this point and have lived together for 16 years. I'm sure we'll manage when the time comes, but it is kind of weird to think about. We definitely have an unusual relationship, but I imagine at some point it will morph into something along the lines of brother and sister who no longer live together but still have that family bond.

Thanks for all the input about the horny nature of men. You are right about me needing to figure out why I started gaining weight. That will probably be my main focus this year as I work to get the other half of me off :)

Christine said...

men think about sex all the time. And if they can get some they will. They also will see women who will have sex on the first date but will not marry them. If They like a woman they will wait, if they are looking for sex, they will bolt. Don't give them any, see if they stick around. That is the one that wants a relationship. The one that sticks around will still want sex, but likes you enough to wait for it. lol.

Anonymous said...

Approach with caution and assume they are all horndogs, even in the face of evidence to the contrary. (Horndogs are good actors.) In my experience, WE set the expectations and boundaries. Be consistent, clear and direct. When they find out you mean it, the true horndogs will flake off, and the ones who are actually real people underneath will stick around to find out more about the real person YOU are. Good luck and have fun!

My Big Fat Super Super Obese Blog said...

thank you guys so much for all the great feedback. The consensus seems to be that men are all horndogs, they can't help it, but some will control it if they think you are worth the wait so I can weed out the horndogs by putting them on notice of my boundaries from the get-go.

I know it must seem ridiculous for a 40-year-old woman to need this kind of feedback, but I honestly have no idea so it means a lot that you shared your thoughts with me :)

Anonymous said...

I'm a nice guy. But I weigh over 400 pounds, so obviously I don't have dating experience. I was married to a 110 lbs. woman, but she left me because my belly got too big. She was cute. No, a guy like me wouldn't rush into things, but you'd never find me because I don't go to dating sites and I hardly go out. If I do, I'm sure I wouldn't even bother talking to any woman because I figure, "what chance do I have anyway"? I actually met my ex online back when Yahoo was free, but I was only on there for less than a month before I found her and never been back until recently. I had a profile up for about a week, maybe two, but I pulled it. Why waste my time? I hate those websites. They are truly awful.

My Big Fat Super Super Obese Blog said...

Nice guy, I'm so sorry you posted anonymously, but hope you visit my blog or take some time to read through it. You will see that I started at 465 and it took me a couple of years to get my arse in gear to get this weight off. I also had bariatric surgery 6 months ago so that has helped tremendously, but I still have to watch what I eat.

I know it sucks to be without a partner, but you know what I think I've realized more than anything else? Until we are happy with ourselves, we aren't ever really going to find happiness with anything else. Look at this time as an opportunity to work on yourself. When you start to sort out the crap on the inside, I think you'll see that the outside will follow. I know how hard it is to get the ball rolling, but don't give up on yourself. Please stay in touch by commenting on my blog. If you aren't comfortable leaving your name, make up one so I know it's you :) Hang in there...

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