Hey all, no I haven’t been in the hospital and I’m sorry for being so late in updating, but I’ve been busy working as usual. When I wasn’t working, I was getting to know a man I met on one of the dating sites I’ve been trying out. Initially, he seemed great! He had a degree in finance, worked in real estate, seemed to have a good head on his shoulders and we appeared to have a lot in common. Over the week, we progressed from emails to talking on the phone which progressed to making an actual date that was supposed to take place this past Saturday. One of the things I thought was wonderful was that he was a past marathon athlete that had let himself go a bit and was trying to get healthier; yet another thing we had in common. We talked about possibly training together and while I am miles away from anything like a marathon, it was kind of exciting to find someone that I shared so much in common with, especially this aspect. To make a long story short, by the end of the week I started getting this *feeling* that things just weren’t right. He just seemed to be “falling” a heck of a lot faster than I was. I mean, yeah I had butterflies for the first time in a long time, but I wasn’t picking out china patterns just yet.
By Friday, I seriously felt like he bought a ring and was going to propose marriage on our first date :S Saturday morning, I followed my gut and just called the date off. I don’t regret it at all, especially since afterwards, we had one more conversation that only solidified my sense that he wasn’t quite as level-headed as I initially presumed. Yes, it was disappointing, but not anything that really got me down too much. I was proud of myself for going with my gut and canceling the date despite having spent most of the week looking forward to it, but by Saturday morning, most of what I had been looking forward to seemed an illusion. I’ve had enough experience living with an illusion, I’m not going to settle for anything less than the real thing next time.
Over the last week, I realized a few things. One, I really am not ready to date anyone right now. First of all, Erik and I are still married and while it really is in name only, I feel that any man I might meet would have to be told this (in addition to our living arrangement) and really…what man would honestly understand the whole arrangement? At some point, they would probably expect me to move out, etc and I wasn’t willing to do that to Tanner just for the sake of my love life.
Also, I kind of put myself in the shoes of any man I might meet and who could really respect a woman who was dating while still legally married AND living with her husband no matter what the circumstances might be? They might think they understood how it was different, but somewhere deep down, I think it would affect their overall opinion of me. At the very least, the really decent guys wouldn’t want to get caught up in it and that is what I want…the decent ones!
I also thought about everything else I’m going to have going on this Spring. In addition to working full time, caring for Tanner and going to school, when exactly am I going to have time to do much of anything else much less gallivant around or try to cultivate a relationship with someone? I’m just not willing to sub-divide my time with Tanner for anyone. The occasional outing is one thing, but a steady relationship is another.
I also just didn’t feel right about it morally. No, Erik and I aren’t really married in our hearts anymore and it really is all over but signing the papers, but nevertheless, we ARE still married in the eyes of church and state and until that is taken care of, I don’t think it is right for me to be entertaining the idea of dating. At the very least, I have to think about what Tanner would think if I had to discuss it with him at some point.
Finally, I think I realized that what I was wanting was to expand my social circle more than a need for a boyfriend/partner/whatever. I just want to get out of this house now! I want to get dressed and put makeup on and enter a room feeling confident and beautiful for the first time in a long time. I want to talk to other human beings face to face and let the memory of me confined to my home become a distant memory. I can do this without match.com or eharmony or the hassle and complications of a relationship right now. I’m kind of enjoying being “on my own” and having my own time to figure out who I am and where I’m going. I’m going to take a bit more time to enjoy THIS I think.
Don’t get me wrong though…if Brad Pitt shows up on my doorstep with a ring, I’ll be on the phone to the nearest divorce attorney. I’m not crazy.