My Progress!

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Future of my blog

I had some pretty awful dreams last night. Yet another bad side effect of stuffing yourself with Mexican food I suspect. This one had to do with Erik. Another dream about tgt..this time his mother walked in on him…it was horrible. I have reason to believe that she suspects something is up honestly. She lived with us for several years and I will never forget the day she came out and asked “Why don’t I ever see you and Erik hold hands or kiss each other goodbye?” I remember being so MAD at her for shining a spotlight on our dysfunction. I could still remember days when we used to embrace each other and laugh as toddler Tanner tried to wedge his way in between our bodies because he wanted in on the hug too. I missed those days, but was trying to cope as best I could with what I knew at that point. When I think about it, I think I was most mad at her for noticing at all. It was almost as if she had just ripped off the cheap little bandaid we had used to cover the wound caused by his revelation, exposing it in all its gory glory yet not able to SEE it. It hurt twice as much because I had to act as if there wasn’t a wound there at all and get on with my day as if I didn’t have this gaping hole in my heart.

I’ve been pondering this blog a lot lately. I realize this isn’t really a blog about helping other people. It’s whole premise is rather self indulgent. Sure, some people might be inspired or helped by some of what I write, but sometimes I worry that it sometimes crosses the line into Springeresque territory. I don't want this blog to be a freak show. Why DO I need to write about such deep, personal problems in such a public forum? I don’t know that I can answer that question really. Maybe it’s from living in my husband’s closet for the past 9 years? Someone on my str8’s list likened living in this sort of marriage to a pregnant woman whose child has died in her womb yet been told she has to carry it to term. It is a morbid analogy for sure, but it really does capture what this can be like for those of us trapped in this kind of marriage.

Part of me thinks I do this out of anger at being made to live in this closet. I’m sure there is some truth in this. I’ve told Erik before “My blog is my blog…I write about what I want to write about…this is the one place you will not censor me.” And up to now he’s been understanding of that. Recently, he did ask me not to blog about something that, in all honesty, I probably WOULD have blogged about. I would have blogged about it because it was an example of how this secret affected our son for the first time. Tanner was clueless so it really wasn’t harmful to him, but Erik’s inability to really cope with this secret kept Tanner from something I think he would have enjoyed and it pissed me off to see Tanner impacted by it, even though he was ignorant. It reminded me of many times in my life where my life was impacted by his secret while I remained ignorant to the cause.

So all of this has been rattling around in my head because I worry about some other family member stumbling across the posts where I talk about our marriage. Apparently his mom has recently gotten online and while I seriously doubt she would ever be saavy enough to find this blog, I worry. So do I censor myself? Go back and delete any reference to tgt and refrain from blogging about this aspect of my life? Part of me says yes. I would hate for someone that knows us to stumble across some of these posts and learn about our secret this way. The last thing I want to do is hurt anyone in his family (most of my family knows).

So, I’m struggling with what to do. Do I scrap the blog? Go back and selectively edit all references to tgt out of the blog? Make it invitation only? I honestly don’t know.


christinaleigh said...

Oh sweetie. I think you have to make that decision after some thinking. You can make some posts private. I think blogging/journaling can be very cathartic. You need an outlet. I'm very concerned about you!

Deb said...

You might take your blog temporarily private while you mull this decision.

My personal opinion, I hate to see you delete anything you've written unless you have it saved elsewhere. Lots of work and thought went into all your writing. Don't throw it away even if you do want it to be more private.

Diana said...

This is a hard decision. I have no advice for you at all on it, except look deep in your heart and decide what's best for you, Tanner and Erik.

I read your blog because you're so honest about your life. Plus, the part about your marriage explains a lot of why you got to where you are with your weight. I honestly believe if you didn't have this heavy burden, that you'd probably be a different person.

I don't mean to pass judgement on you, because I know you're doing the best you can. The best for you, the best for Tanner. I can also tell you deeply care about Erik so it's the best for Erik, at least right now. I suspect things will be changing in the future.

Whatever you decide to do with your blog, I hope you at least keep writing about your weight loss struggles. Maybe start a new blog, that just deals with weight loss and lock down this one and keep it private.

I just hope you stay around in blogworld, one way or another. :)

mandatorybloghere said...

You make it private
Is helping some random stranger worth hurting the people you know in real life.
Same thing to be said about working through your anger, is it worth hurting others.
Never put anything on the internet you wouldnt put on your home town newpapers front page
and just because you are a character in a novel it isnt always your story to tell.
I am not judging nor am I trying to be mean, but since you asked for opinions I gave you mine,

Tamzin said...

blogging is totally selfish, and fun and cathartic. But is about you - and it contains what YOU want to talk about.

Sounds like the man is worried about himself and wants you to do something about it. Maybe, you should do something for yourself instead! :)

Like keep blogging and taking care of yourself in a community that understands and can be quite supportive.

If you really want to do something about it out of worry - then change the names of those involved... then problem is over.

Kim said...

Ok, I'm gonna put my 2 cents in. What I say is soley based on what I know from your blog...I haven't read from the beginning so take what I say with a grain of salt. I don't know the dynamics of why you are still living with your husband entirely...I'm guessing that it's b/c of finances and b/c your dear son has special needs? It also sounds like your husband is still pretty much in the closet at this point and he's asking you to help him keep it that way until HE decides he's ready to come out. How unfair? You are living in this situation and paying a high price...and the price is yourself. It sounds like you've been super compassionate to your husband and you're trying to be this super understanding woman (even though you admit your angry) and you're watching out for everyone else that could get hurt, and in the meantime you are disregarding your pain and hurt. The only outlet you have to vent about the personal agony is through this blog and you are considering censoring it once again b/c you are thinking about other people. When are you going to put you first? When are you going to leave hubby's closet? B/c it doesn't sound like the closet has been very therapeutic for anyone at this point accept for your husband. Your husband could still have his closet without you in it and it could still be kept from your son if he so chooses...but what is the end goal for this situation and how long is it supposed to go on? Hell, don't censor yourself sweetie...this should be YOUR safe place and no one else's. If you have to use a different name for yourself or others, then so be it...but don't cut away another piece of you away to accomodate. You can have weightloss surgery and it will be another "bandaid" to cover up the symptoms, but the surgery is not going to work unless you declutter your life emotionally. How will you get on with your life when you are having to live in midst of the painful situation everyday? I read your posts and think "Wow, that's a strong lady." But, on the other hand is sure sounds like you take a lot of crap off people. I hope whatever you decide, that you shine and not let anyone or anything hinder your strong compassionate spirit. :)Don't be have rights too. Like I said before, I may not understand the whole situation...this is totally based on what I've read for as long as I've been a follower on here...if I'm totally wrong then just disregard me. :)

Anonymous said...

Sounds like a stressful time. I hope you don't discontinue the blog or make it private, but will understand if you need to.

Take care.