I had some pretty awful dreams last night. Yet another bad side effect of stuffing yourself with Mexican food I suspect. This one had to do with Erik. Another dream about tgt..this time his mother walked in on him…it was horrible. I have reason to believe that she suspects something is up honestly. She lived with us for several years and I will never forget the day she came out and asked “Why don’t I ever see you and Erik hold hands or kiss each other goodbye?” I remember being so MAD at her for shining a spotlight on our dysfunction. I could still remember days when we used to embrace each other and laugh as toddler Tanner tried to wedge his way in between our bodies because he wanted in on the hug too. I missed those days, but was trying to cope as best I could with what I knew at that point. When I think about it, I think I was most mad at her for noticing at all. It was almost as if she had just ripped off the cheap little bandaid we had used to cover the wound caused by his revelation, exposing it in all its gory glory yet not able to SEE it. It hurt twice as much because I had to act as if there wasn’t a wound there at all and get on with my day as if I didn’t have this gaping hole in my heart.
I’ve been pondering this blog a lot lately. I realize this isn’t really a blog about helping other people. It’s whole premise is rather self indulgent. Sure, some people might be inspired or helped by some of what I write, but sometimes I worry that it sometimes crosses the line into Springeresque territory. I don't want this blog to be a freak show. Why DO I need to write about such deep, personal problems in such a public forum? I don’t know that I can answer that question really. Maybe it’s from living in my husband’s closet for the past 9 years? Someone on my str8’s list likened living in this sort of marriage to a pregnant woman whose child has died in her womb yet been told she has to carry it to term. It is a morbid analogy for sure, but it really does capture what this can be like for those of us trapped in this kind of marriage.
Part of me thinks I do this out of anger at being made to live in this closet. I’m sure there is some truth in this. I’ve told Erik before “My blog is my blog…I write about what I want to write about…this is the one place you will not censor me.” And up to now he’s been understanding of that. Recently, he did ask me not to blog about something that, in all honesty, I probably WOULD have blogged about. I would have blogged about it because it was an example of how this secret affected our son for the first time. Tanner was clueless so it really wasn’t harmful to him, but Erik’s inability to really cope with this secret kept Tanner from something I think he would have enjoyed and it pissed me off to see Tanner impacted by it, even though he was ignorant. It reminded me of many times in my life where my life was impacted by his secret while I remained ignorant to the cause.
So all of this has been rattling around in my head because I worry about some other family member stumbling across the posts where I talk about our marriage. Apparently his mom has recently gotten online and while I seriously doubt she would ever be saavy enough to find this blog, I worry. So do I censor myself? Go back and delete any reference to tgt and refrain from blogging about this aspect of my life? Part of me says yes. I would hate for someone that knows us to stumble across some of these posts and learn about our secret this way. The last thing I want to do is hurt anyone in his family (most of my family knows).
So, I’m struggling with what to do. Do I scrap the blog? Go back and selectively edit all references to tgt out of the blog? Make it invitation only? I honestly don’t know.