Sinking deeper

I'm up and down these last few days. My energy level has been extremely low too which tells me this is more depression. Maybe I need to up my meds I don't know. To be honest, I just don't have a lot in my life at the moment that is all that cheerful. I've done crap on my diet, haven't been to the pool in weeks, my grandfather's health isn't all that great and seems to be getting worse (he reads my blog...Hi papa, hope you don't mind me mentioning your business here). The only good thing is Tanner seems to be relatively stable despite heading into his teenage years full throttle.

I was thinking last night about trying to do HMR for a month. It's a fasting program I have done in the past. I managed to lose about 36 lbs in the first month the first time I did it and I know of at least one other blogger who is currently doing it. My thinking is that one month on the program would probably be enough time to get enough weight off that I could start doing more. I need a big change fast guys. I just can't seem to stay motivated on a regular diet long enough to get to where I'm actually experiencing some of the benefits of losing weight. At this point, I'm just looking for the little things. Being able to take a shower without exhausting myself. Putting a sandwich together in the kitchen without needing to sit down to rest before heading back upstairs to my office. I try to diet and although I lose a few pounds, I have to cope with still being so limited in what I can do and where I can go. It's gotten to the point where I come up with excuses for why I can't go to the movies with Tanner and Erik (one of the few outings I might attempt) because I just feel like I'm such an embarrassment to Erik. Tanner could care less...I could care less what other people think..but Erik cares and even though he might not admit that...I know that he does. I don't want to be out in public with him knowing the whole time that he's probably cringing inside wondering what everyone else is thinking of him and his gargantuan wife.

Of course, that whole line of thinking dredges up years of me feeling that way even when i wasn't this large but knew there was something wrong with me; some reason why he didn't love me the way I loved him. It's an ugly place to visit...I don't like going back there so I avoid the situation entirely which means I don't go out with the two of them very often. I had thought about taking tanner to a local water park because I could just hang out in the pool while he had fun, but if Erik doesn't want to be seen with me fully clothed, I highly doubt he's going to want to be seen with me in my sparkly black swimsuit. He'd blame it on himself though..he'd say he was too white, or too fat, or something along those lines. Erik would never want to purposefully hurt my feelings, but I can read between the lines.

Which brings me right back to feeling crappy about myself, crappy about my present state and feeling powerless to make any kind of change. If I wasn't working right now, I'd just turn out the lights and crawl back into bed.

How bad do I suck? Really?

I'll be honest and say on a scale of 1-10 of sucking, I'm probably about an 11 wouldn't you say? I haven't been posting because I've kind of been in another slump and facing this blog when I'm in a slump is like having someone slam a big fat failure pie in my face. I know, I know...the blog is supposed to be about the WHOLE journey, even the times when I completely lose it and spend a week or so stuffing my face with as much fast food and take out as I can buy, but its SO hard to blog when I'm in that mode. The part of me that can be so positive sometimes loves to blog and tell the world how successful I'm being, but that part of me hates to blog when I'm a big fat failure. I almost feel this....anger when I remind myself I haven't blogged in days and really should login and say SOMETHING. It makes me mad, I almost feel like I have this other OBLIGATION I have to address and like a spoiled child, I turn my back, stick out my lower lip and refuse to give in.

I know the anger I feel isn't towards my readers or the blog really. Its anger at myself for, once again, falling off the wagon. Geez is there even a wagon that can hold my half ton arse? Maybe thats the problem? I know the blogging helps when I do it because it holds me accountable and I really think thats the key to me doing this for once and for all, but how to keep myself coming back every day even on the days when I want to stick my head in the sand and pretend that a sausage mcmuffin with egg won't hurt my diet that much.

Ironically, I think the thing that kicked off this last binge was my trip to the doctor. I'm really sick and tired of being sick and tired and Im REALLY sick and tired of complaining and moaning about how sick and tired I am while doing nothing to address the problem. That isn't the sort of person I want to be, but I'm just so fecking limited right now! I found myself daydreaming the other day about the days i used to go grocery shopping for myself or to the hobby or book store and spend hours walking around checking all the new projects out. Right now, I don't even consider doing any of this. Thinking about it just exhausts me because the thought of walking from the parking lot to the store itself I know will do me in for the day.

I realized that thinking about the person I used to be when I took activity like that for granted is almost like me thinking back on the person I used to be when I smoked. I can no longer imagine holding a cigarette in my hand, taking a drag and blowing the smoke out....its like some other person, but I know when I smoked, I couldn't imagine a me that didn't always have a pack of cigarettes at hands reach away. Now, I look back on the person who would just grab her keys and go to a store FOR FUN! and wonder who that was? Did she really enjoy standing on her feet for hours at a time, walking down aisle after aisle in a search for her next book or project? I know she did...it was how she relaxed most of the time. It was her quiet time away....was she CRAZY? I know I used to love getting out of the house..as a matter of fact, I hated to be home, sitting on the couch watching TV. So where did she go and how did I lose her? Right now, the idea of doing any of this really just zaps any energy I might have and makes me want to go back to bed before I can even grab my keys. It absolutely defeats me. When you feel defeated, its impossible to muster up motivation and motivation is what I need to get back into the groove.

P.S. I consulted Erik on the photo selection. He was absolutely completely against the one I chose (he actually thought it was repulsive....he has never gotten my humor). So weigh in guys....was it in poor taste or was it the perfect illustration for this particular post?

TMI: More than you ever wanted to know about my ass.

Hi all, I apologize for not posting in a few days. I actually found myself back at the doctor’s office this last week. I swear, I have never visited the doctor more often than I have this past year. Is my body trying to tell me something or what?

Warning: if you don’t care to have intimate knowledge of my ass or bowel movements, stop right here. The short story is I’ve had some bleeding issues, have seen a doctor and am monitoring the situation. If you want the long story, keep reading.

This time, and forgive me if this is TMI, I had to go back because I passed blood (for the second time) during a bowel movement. Lovely right? Each time its been about a quarter sized amount. This last time, I also passed more blood later that evening without even trying to go to the bathroom. I saw my doctor and he prescribed some suppositories which I haven’t used yet because he thinks that I might have torn something that might need a “rest.” He also advised me to increase my fluid intake and fiber so we’ll see what happens.

I don’t know what to think about this. I know that obesity puts me at a very high risk for a variety of cancers; breast, uterine (my PCOS increases the risk for this as well), kidney and colon among many others. When I was working for the American Cancer Society, imagine me having to sit on the other side of the phone talking to someone about risk factors for various types of cancer and finding obesity in the list almost every time. I doubt seriously they pictured a 400+ pound woman reading off that list to them. So, while I know it could just be a hemorrhoid or a small tear, the fact that it could be something else is also nagging at the back of my mind. For whatever reason, my doctor did not refer me out for a colonoscopy; he didn’t even do a digital rectal exam (not that I was looking forward to one).

When I got home, I did a little research about having a colonoscopy when you are obese and was not surprised to find several articles indicating that obese patients have a 25% LESS chance of being screened or referred for a colonoscopy compared to non-obese patients. This is the case even though obese patients are at a greater risk for colon cancer. I’m sure a small percentage might be due to the fact that a colonoscopy can be more risky and difficult to perform on the obese. Unfortunately, I am also just a little bit more convinced that it probably has to do with the fact that most doctors aren’t all that eager to have us drop our drawers and assume the position for them. I also think that obesity affects people’s perception in such a way that they don’t take obese people as seriously as they might a non-obese patient. Maybe I’m being too harsh…I don’t know, I could be wrong. It would be interesting to see what sort of barriers to colonoscopy referral these scientists identified for obese patients.

Anyway, so I’ve been thinking a lot about my health the last few days. All the other ailments I’ve had in the last year, the fact that I’m certainly nearing that age when age alone is a risk for numerous health issues. Right now I have obesity, age, and history as a smoker (I smoked for 10 years but quit when I got pregnant with Tanner..going on 14 years smoke free!) as risk factors. Not that I’m necessarily a hypochondriac, but when you have all that looking you in the face, acting as if you were going to live to 100 would be complete denial. My health is probably one of the number one reasons I’m trying to get this weight off. I think part of my reasoning for being so open about this problem in my blog is to keep me accountable. Even with all I know, I can feel part of myself just wants to hide my head in the sand and explain the bleeding away with some benign problem. Deep down, I know that I can’t take any chances with symptoms like this and will need to follow up if they don’t resolve.

I went ahead and made an appointment with my gynocologist for early july. I haven’t had a gyno exam done in several years so it needs to be done and I figured that if I’m still having problems with bleeding, she can check that out too and we’ll see if she thinks I need a colonoscopy or something. As of now, I’m still having the bleeding even with soft stools so no telling what is going on.

With all that said…I have done reasonably well on my diet and exercise this week. I will work on increasing my fluids and fiber rich foods (something I need to do for weight loss anyway) and hope for the best.

AaaaawkWARD!

Sorry if I weirded anyone out with the end of my post yesterday. I realize that it doesn't appear to have much to do with weight loss, but it has definitely been a HUGE factor in what has shaped my self confidence up to this point and as I said...it was cathartic just to get it out there as I've had to cope with it silently for several years.

I don't blame my ex-husband for my weight problem because I've had one my whole life, but someday I may do a lengthier post about how it affected my sense of self worth and overall self image to have a man I seemed to click with in every way, but one. I think I've said it before, but it really drove home the fact that there was something about me that was fundamentally "unlovable." I think I'm dealing with this now, but it is certainly something I have to overcome. I've spent the better part of my life wondering what it was about myself that wasn't "enough" for him. That leaves lots of ugly feelings you have to stash in some deep dark place. I stashed them and then camouflaged the hole with twinkie wrappers and the detritus of many many fast food meals. I think at some point I just gave up trying to figure out WHAT I could do to make him love me and just started drowning my sorrows the best way I knew how...with food.

I'm actually getting ready to go to bed and I'm exhausted because I went to the pool with Tanner today! I wore 80 proof sunscreen and I think I still managed to get a burn! Whats up with that? Craziness! We had a great time, Tanner played Marco Polo with a group of kids almost the whole time and had a blast. When it was his turn, they would splash water toward him instead of saying "polo" so that he could find them lol. He was often "it" forever, but it had nothing to do with his hearing....he's just like his momma....slow as freaking molasses! It was nice to see him enjoy himself like that. He doesn't have a lot of friends.

We ate dinner (a sandwich) before we left and we stopped by McDonalds on the way home and each got a frozen yogurt cone (100 cal. yay!). When I suggested stopping for ice cream, Tanner said "I thought we weren't eating stuff like that anymore?" so I told him that it was frozen yogurt and not ice cream. Tanner kept insisting that he didn't want frozen "yogurt" he wanted the regular ice cream so I finally said "ok, ok, I'll get you the ice cream and me the frozen yogurt!" just to shut him up! Of course I handed him the cone, let him taste it and asked him what he thought, he said "It's good, I love vanilla!" I looked at him and said "That's frozen yogurt silly!!" He replied "oh?" and kept on eating. Crazy kid! I can't believe he's almost taller than me now :( No fair!

P.S. Does everyone get the picture? hehe

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Remember Me?

I know I've been horrible as of late when it comes to updating my blog. I'm almost embarrassed to tell you all the ways I've found to completely WASTE what little leisure time I have. The picture I've included above, is one very unproductive, but addictive habit I've started...it's called "Farmtown." Basically, in Farmtown, you start off with a little farm; you plow your fields, plant your crops and then go to market, where you hire other farmers to come harvest your fields which you then sell to finance more farming and fixing up your farm. I know it sounds silly, but it's very easy to become addicted to something like that even when you have a life, when you don't.....it becomes your life!

Lately, I'd really had a nagging sense of how much time I was wasting and how much of my REAL life I was frittering away tending this silly cyber farm! I wasn't just taking time away from the goals I had set for myself, but also from those around me. I wasn't doing the sorts of things I wanted to be doing with my son. I wasn't working out, I wasn't even watching my diet anymore. Forget falling off the wagon, my fat arse BROKE the wagon and I didn't even care about fixing it. I haven't weighed myself yet, but I will later today and I will report the damage. I'm hoping I'm not back at square one, but be ready for some bad news.

I've also made some new goals and set some new rules for myself in hopes to get back in the game. First off, I blog before I spend any time doing anything else in my "leisure" time. That means no reading, no playing farmtown, no anything until I update my blog. I may not have a heck of a lot to say everytime I update, but I know that there are those of you out there who have been extremely supportive of my efforts and I kind of feel like I let you guys down just dropping out for over a month.

I wanted this blog to chronicle my efforts and my failures in hopes that maybe I can identify WHY I can't seem to get this weight off. What is my biggest obstacle? I'm beginning to realize that the biggest obstacle is ME. I need to stop putting my head in the sand and checking out like this. It is definitely a pattern. Sometimes I throw myself into work scheduling 60-80 hour weeks that leave no time for anything other than eating and sleeping. Sometimes its losing yourself in a cyber farm. Regardless, I find something that allows me to just check out of my "real life" so that I can forget that my "real life" basically just consists of waking up each morning, making my way to my office to work, then downstairs later to spend some time with Tanner and maybe finish off with an hour or two to myself before it starts all over again the next day. So many of my days I don't even step foot outside, unless of course I'm making a run to the nearest fast food place for dinner....which we've been doing a lot of lately too. It really is a sad existence. I'll go into more of this over the next week. Who in their right mind would want to be PRESENT for this kind of life?

So, although I haven't been "in the game" much at all over the last month or so, I have had moments where I could feel that part of me that wants MORE gently nagging at the back of my mind, urging me to snap out of it...and here I am. I have to be honest with you, I'm not feeling all powerful or coming to you with "I CAN MOVE MOUNTAINS" attitude. At the moment, I'm just thinking...this is a first step and I did it. Here's hoping I can keep putting one foot in front of the other until I'm walking confidently towards a new me.