My Progress!

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

How bad do I suck? Really?

I'll be honest and say on a scale of 1-10 of sucking, I'm probably about an 11 wouldn't you say? I haven't been posting because I've kind of been in another slump and facing this blog when I'm in a slump is like having someone slam a big fat failure pie in my face. I know, I know...the blog is supposed to be about the WHOLE journey, even the times when I completely lose it and spend a week or so stuffing my face with as much fast food and take out as I can buy, but its SO hard to blog when I'm in that mode. The part of me that can be so positive sometimes loves to blog and tell the world how successful I'm being, but that part of me hates to blog when I'm a big fat failure. I almost feel this....anger when I remind myself I haven't blogged in days and really should login and say SOMETHING. It makes me mad, I almost feel like I have this other OBLIGATION I have to address and like a spoiled child, I turn my back, stick out my lower lip and refuse to give in.

I know the anger I feel isn't towards my readers or the blog really. Its anger at myself for, once again, falling off the wagon. Geez is there even a wagon that can hold my half ton arse? Maybe thats the problem? I know the blogging helps when I do it because it holds me accountable and I really think thats the key to me doing this for once and for all, but how to keep myself coming back every day even on the days when I want to stick my head in the sand and pretend that a sausage mcmuffin with egg won't hurt my diet that much.

Ironically, I think the thing that kicked off this last binge was my trip to the doctor. I'm really sick and tired of being sick and tired and Im REALLY sick and tired of complaining and moaning about how sick and tired I am while doing nothing to address the problem. That isn't the sort of person I want to be, but I'm just so fecking limited right now! I found myself daydreaming the other day about the days i used to go grocery shopping for myself or to the hobby or book store and spend hours walking around checking all the new projects out. Right now, I don't even consider doing any of this. Thinking about it just exhausts me because the thought of walking from the parking lot to the store itself I know will do me in for the day.

I realized that thinking about the person I used to be when I took activity like that for granted is almost like me thinking back on the person I used to be when I smoked. I can no longer imagine holding a cigarette in my hand, taking a drag and blowing the smoke out....its like some other person, but I know when I smoked, I couldn't imagine a me that didn't always have a pack of cigarettes at hands reach away. Now, I look back on the person who would just grab her keys and go to a store FOR FUN! and wonder who that was? Did she really enjoy standing on her feet for hours at a time, walking down aisle after aisle in a search for her next book or project? I know she was how she relaxed most of the time. It was her quiet time away....was she CRAZY? I know I used to love getting out of the a matter of fact, I hated to be home, sitting on the couch watching TV. So where did she go and how did I lose her? Right now, the idea of doing any of this really just zaps any energy I might have and makes me want to go back to bed before I can even grab my keys. It absolutely defeats me. When you feel defeated, its impossible to muster up motivation and motivation is what I need to get back into the groove.

P.S. I consulted Erik on the photo selection. He was absolutely completely against the one I chose (he actually thought it was repulsive....he has never gotten my humor). So weigh in guys....was it in poor taste or was it the perfect illustration for this particular post?


jo said...

First off, you don't suck. You're human. This journey is difficult. Cut yourself some slack. You're not perfect, nor are you supposed to be.

Secondly, I see the humor in the picture you chose. Didn't repulse me at all.

I'm glad you wrote this post. I really could relate to it. I used to do like you, and now I'm a bit of a recluse. I know that feeling of getting tired just walking from the parking lot to the store. I'll probably think about your post all day and use it to challenge myself a bit.

*I'm not a huggy type person in real life, but I send heart-felt hugs cuz I know this journey is so difficult

that TOPS lady said...

Girl, you are ALWAYS too hard on yourself!
I've got to tell you that your photos always fit your post title in a perfect and yet humorous way!

Megan said...

Yes the photo was repulsive but yes it also was humorous and perfect for the post :) Don't forget, we don't care how much fast food you're eating that day, we just like hearing from you. PS you and I sure have similar taste in books! Maybe try making one small change this week (and I mean small, like 1 mcmuffin instead of two) when you're in binge gaining mode you'll probably see a loss even with minimal changes. Might be enough to get you motivated again. Good luck!

♥ Dee ♥ said...


Okay, so you have been sucking. That was yesterday. Thank GAWD today is a new day, right?

I thought the pic was funny.

Tamzin said...

I feel the same way...sometime I think my blog is a celebration of failure! I get wond up and realizet hat I have done more negative then positive on there... but I guess I hope that there is going to be some good from this eventually.... so I keep at it.

Happy you posted this today!
Thank you for sharing.


Tatersmama said...

Hey, none of us are perfect, and I totally hear where you're coming from... so please quit being so hard on yourself, okay?

Yesterday's gone and today's a new day, so just keep moving forward - even if you're just using baby steps right now!

I loved the photo and I didn't find it repulsive at all! It was perfect for this post. :-)

Crys said...

Don't you dare label this post "failure"! Anyone who has attempted to lose weight, especially a lot of weight, has set backs and stumbles. I've had so many that I have a quote printed out on my fridge that I'll share:

"The real test is not whether you avoid failure, because you won't. It's whether you let it harden or shame you into inaction, or whether you learn from it and whether you choose to persevere."

Dust yourself off and start another day! I'm rooting for you! :-)

Lauren said...

It's very common for people who are slumping to ignore their blogs. Don't even worry about it, we've all been there. You can do this. You,ve already lost a ton of weight.

Action Jackson said...

There is always hope.

Never forget that.

Judi said...

Thank you for sharing this. Like you, I'm so tired of being sick and tired and I don't have the energy to do anything about it. I hope and pray your post will keep someone else from getting to that point - that they will stop before gaining enough weight that walking to the car is too far. Keep on being real. If I wanted fiction, I'd read a book.