I'll be honest and say on a scale of 1-10 of sucking, I'm probably about an 11 wouldn't you say? I haven't been posting because I've kind of been in another slump and facing this blog when I'm in a slump is like having someone slam a big fat failure pie in my face. I know, I know...the blog is supposed to be about the WHOLE journey, even the times when I completely lose it and spend a week or so stuffing my face with as much fast food and take out as I can buy, but its SO hard to blog when I'm in that mode. The part of me that can be so positive sometimes loves to blog and tell the world how successful I'm being, but that part of me hates to blog when I'm a big fat failure. I almost feel this....anger when I remind myself I haven't blogged in days and really should login and say SOMETHING. It makes me mad, I almost feel like I have this other OBLIGATION I have to address and like a spoiled child, I turn my back, stick out my lower lip and refuse to give in.
I know the anger I feel isn't towards my readers or the blog really. Its anger at myself for, once again, falling off the wagon. Geez is there even a wagon that can hold my half ton arse? Maybe thats the problem? I know the blogging helps when I do it because it holds me accountable and I really think thats the key to me doing this for once and for all, but how to keep myself coming back every day even on the days when I want to stick my head in the sand and pretend that a sausage mcmuffin with egg won't hurt my diet that much.
Ironically, I think the thing that kicked off this last binge was my trip to the doctor. I'm really sick and tired of being sick and tired and Im REALLY sick and tired of complaining and moaning about how sick and tired I am while doing nothing to address the problem. That isn't the sort of person I want to be, but I'm just so fecking limited right now! I found myself daydreaming the other day about the days i used to go grocery shopping for myself or to the hobby or book store and spend hours walking around checking all the new projects out. Right now, I don't even consider doing any of this. Thinking about it just exhausts me because the thought of walking from the parking lot to the store itself I know will do me in for the day.
I realized that thinking about the person I used to be when I took activity like that for granted is almost like me thinking back on the person I used to be when I smoked. I can no longer imagine holding a cigarette in my hand, taking a drag and blowing the smoke out....its like some other person, but I know when I smoked, I couldn't imagine a me that didn't always have a pack of cigarettes at hands reach away. Now, I look back on the person who would just grab her keys and go to a store FOR FUN! and wonder who that was? Did she really enjoy standing on her feet for hours at a time, walking down aisle after aisle in a search for her next book or project? I know she did...it was how she relaxed most of the time. It was her quiet time away....was she CRAZY? I know I used to love getting out of the house..as a matter of fact, I hated to be home, sitting on the couch watching TV. So where did she go and how did I lose her? Right now, the idea of doing any of this really just zaps any energy I might have and makes me want to go back to bed before I can even grab my keys. It absolutely defeats me. When you feel defeated, its impossible to muster up motivation and motivation is what I need to get back into the groove.
P.S. I consulted Erik on the photo selection. He was absolutely completely against the one I chose (he actually thought it was repulsive....he has never gotten my humor). So weigh in guys....was it in poor taste or was it the perfect illustration for this particular post?