My Progress!

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Sinking deeper

I'm up and down these last few days. My energy level has been extremely low too which tells me this is more depression. Maybe I need to up my meds I don't know. To be honest, I just don't have a lot in my life at the moment that is all that cheerful. I've done crap on my diet, haven't been to the pool in weeks, my grandfather's health isn't all that great and seems to be getting worse (he reads my blog...Hi papa, hope you don't mind me mentioning your business here). The only good thing is Tanner seems to be relatively stable despite heading into his teenage years full throttle.

I was thinking last night about trying to do HMR for a month. It's a fasting program I have done in the past. I managed to lose about 36 lbs in the first month the first time I did it and I know of at least one other blogger who is currently doing it. My thinking is that one month on the program would probably be enough time to get enough weight off that I could start doing more. I need a big change fast guys. I just can't seem to stay motivated on a regular diet long enough to get to where I'm actually experiencing some of the benefits of losing weight. At this point, I'm just looking for the little things. Being able to take a shower without exhausting myself. Putting a sandwich together in the kitchen without needing to sit down to rest before heading back upstairs to my office. I try to diet and although I lose a few pounds, I have to cope with still being so limited in what I can do and where I can go. It's gotten to the point where I come up with excuses for why I can't go to the movies with Tanner and Erik (one of the few outings I might attempt) because I just feel like I'm such an embarrassment to Erik. Tanner could care less...I could care less what other people think..but Erik cares and even though he might not admit that...I know that he does. I don't want to be out in public with him knowing the whole time that he's probably cringing inside wondering what everyone else is thinking of him and his gargantuan wife.

Of course, that whole line of thinking dredges up years of me feeling that way even when i wasn't this large but knew there was something wrong with me; some reason why he didn't love me the way I loved him. It's an ugly place to visit...I don't like going back there so I avoid the situation entirely which means I don't go out with the two of them very often. I had thought about taking tanner to a local water park because I could just hang out in the pool while he had fun, but if Erik doesn't want to be seen with me fully clothed, I highly doubt he's going to want to be seen with me in my sparkly black swimsuit. He'd blame it on himself though..he'd say he was too white, or too fat, or something along those lines. Erik would never want to purposefully hurt my feelings, but I can read between the lines.

Which brings me right back to feeling crappy about myself, crappy about my present state and feeling powerless to make any kind of change. If I wasn't working right now, I'd just turn out the lights and crawl back into bed.

10 Comments:

Shelley said...

I started my weight-loss journey doing the Nutrimed 420 shakes - similar to HMR - because I needed to get some serious poundage off before I could start moving, i.e. exercising. It did help me and definitely motivated me so get some great losses...maybe it will be good for you, too!

Hope you feel better soon - depression can be such a fast downward spiral, I hope you get out of it quick!

tisha said...

I hear you and completely understand where you're coming from. There are really good diet programs out there and they work if you follow them. For me, and my health issues, I needed to drop the weight fast. I'm on the HMR diet starting week 13. In 12 wks I lost 56 pounds. It's just habit for me now. At week 10 I incorporated the veggie plan so I have that option to chew if I need it. Overall, my mood and health has significantly improved in just a short amount of time. I hope you find what will work for you and that you're feeling better soon. Email me if you have any questions... tisha85@live.com.

that TOPS lady said...

I'm sorry you are feeling so down :( I've never done a fasting program (although I have fasted before for other reasons) so I'm not qualified to give an opinion about that. Try to look on the bright side, dearie. Think positive thoughts. Your potential is greater that what you are currently thinking. Things can change for you. I'm rooting for ya!

Megan said...

Thanks for checking in even though you feel so crappy, I hope somehow it helps a little bit. I've never done fasting either, so I don't know but if it works for you, go for it. Sometimes we need a little kick in the ass before we make the big push. Good luck, I really feel for you. If it doesn't hurt too bad, maybe in the interim you could do your chair exercises?

♥ Dee ♥ said...

I just want to throw my "I care" into the ring.

Learning to be Less said...

I remember how hard it was in the beginning. It was hard to sit down or stand up. Things were good if I did not have to move.

I bet that a big drop would help. If you have done it before and liked it, do it again. Then you can ease into a healthy eating program. But being able to move and having energy make a big difference. Exercise endorfines will help with depression too.

cmoursler said...

hon, I just want to say, even though I don't know you, that no matter what size you are...you're worth loving. You have to dig down in there and find yourself and love yourself. Maybe you could find five things about you that make you a good person. In the end, life is too short to feel this way for the rest of it. Maybe you could just start with one thing. I think Richard simmons has a chair work out people can do. That and lower your calories to maybe 2000 a day. Eat what you want but keep it under 2000, and just know you don't want to feel like this a year from now. YOU Can do this. You can control what you eat. This is just something I learned about two months ago. food can't get in unless I put it there. I am praying for you.
Chris

Ria said...

While I was reading this post, I remembered another post from your blog . . .

http://imsupersuper.blogspot.com/2009/03/little-victories.html

In your own words, even 10 lbs makes a difference. YOU CAN DO THIS, and you'll start to feel better very soon. I'm rooting for you!

SeaShore said...

Depression makes everything harder. See your doctor about the meds, but remmeber there are things you can do to help, too: Getting back to things you like (like the pool) and treating yourself kindly. Take care.

Honib1 said...

Depression is a dark place.. and if you just go back to bed all you get is that darkness ten fold.. So be awake wide awake.. make each day count for yourself... no matter what you do .. do something.. be it walking down a flight of stairs and back up again.. be it walking to the corner and back.. whatever.. all the small things add up to big things... .I have never done a fasting program.. but if that is what works for you then do it... but perhaps.. if you start listening to your body.. a little more.. listen for hunger .. REAL HUNGER signals... a tummy growl.. something that lets you know .. you are on empty and you need more fuel... OR perhaps you know your hunger signals... just find what works .. and let it be your guide and remember that each day is worth living.. no matter what your size.. you should never measure yourself by the sum of your pounds but measure yourself by the size of your heart and the girth of your character ..