Sinking deeper

I'm up and down these last few days. My energy level has been extremely low too which tells me this is more depression. Maybe I need to up my meds I don't know. To be honest, I just don't have a lot in my life at the moment that is all that cheerful. I've done crap on my diet, haven't been to the pool in weeks, my grandfather's health isn't all that great and seems to be getting worse (he reads my blog...Hi papa, hope you don't mind me mentioning your business here). The only good thing is Tanner seems to be relatively stable despite heading into his teenage years full throttle.

I was thinking last night about trying to do HMR for a month. It's a fasting program I have done in the past. I managed to lose about 36 lbs in the first month the first time I did it and I know of at least one other blogger who is currently doing it. My thinking is that one month on the program would probably be enough time to get enough weight off that I could start doing more. I need a big change fast guys. I just can't seem to stay motivated on a regular diet long enough to get to where I'm actually experiencing some of the benefits of losing weight. At this point, I'm just looking for the little things. Being able to take a shower without exhausting myself. Putting a sandwich together in the kitchen without needing to sit down to rest before heading back upstairs to my office. I try to diet and although I lose a few pounds, I have to cope with still being so limited in what I can do and where I can go. It's gotten to the point where I come up with excuses for why I can't go to the movies with Tanner and Erik (one of the few outings I might attempt) because I just feel like I'm such an embarrassment to Erik. Tanner could care less...I could care less what other people think..but Erik cares and even though he might not admit that...I know that he does. I don't want to be out in public with him knowing the whole time that he's probably cringing inside wondering what everyone else is thinking of him and his gargantuan wife.

Of course, that whole line of thinking dredges up years of me feeling that way even when i wasn't this large but knew there was something wrong with me; some reason why he didn't love me the way I loved him. It's an ugly place to visit...I don't like going back there so I avoid the situation entirely which means I don't go out with the two of them very often. I had thought about taking tanner to a local water park because I could just hang out in the pool while he had fun, but if Erik doesn't want to be seen with me fully clothed, I highly doubt he's going to want to be seen with me in my sparkly black swimsuit. He'd blame it on himself though..he'd say he was too white, or too fat, or something along those lines. Erik would never want to purposefully hurt my feelings, but I can read between the lines.

Which brings me right back to feeling crappy about myself, crappy about my present state and feeling powerless to make any kind of change. If I wasn't working right now, I'd just turn out the lights and crawl back into bed.