My Progress!

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

AaaaawkWARD!


Sorry if I weirded anyone out with the end of my post yesterday. I realize that it doesn't appear to have much to do with weight loss, but it has definitely been a HUGE factor in what has shaped my self confidence up to this point and as I said...it was cathartic just to get it out there as I've had to cope with it silently for several years.

I don't blame my ex-husband for my weight problem because I've had one my whole life, but someday I may do a lengthier post about how it affected my sense of self worth and overall self image to have a man I seemed to click with in every way, but one. I think I've said it before, but it really drove home the fact that there was something about me that was fundamentally "unlovable." I think I'm dealing with this now, but it is certainly something I have to overcome. I've spent the better part of my life wondering what it was about myself that wasn't "enough" for him. That leaves lots of ugly feelings you have to stash in some deep dark place. I stashed them and then camouflaged the hole with twinkie wrappers and the detritus of many many fast food meals. I think at some point I just gave up trying to figure out WHAT I could do to make him love me and just started drowning my sorrows the best way I knew how...with food.

I'm actually getting ready to go to bed and I'm exhausted because I went to the pool with Tanner today! I wore 80 proof sunscreen and I think I still managed to get a burn! Whats up with that? Craziness! We had a great time, Tanner played Marco Polo with a group of kids almost the whole time and had a blast. When it was his turn, they would splash water toward him instead of saying "polo" so that he could find them lol. He was often "it" forever, but it had nothing to do with his hearing....he's just like his momma....slow as freaking molasses! It was nice to see him enjoy himself like that. He doesn't have a lot of friends.

We ate dinner (a sandwich) before we left and we stopped by McDonalds on the way home and each got a frozen yogurt cone (100 cal. yay!). When I suggested stopping for ice cream, Tanner said "I thought we weren't eating stuff like that anymore?" so I told him that it was frozen yogurt and not ice cream. Tanner kept insisting that he didn't want frozen "yogurt" he wanted the regular ice cream so I finally said "ok, ok, I'll get you the ice cream and me the frozen yogurt!" just to shut him up! Of course I handed him the cone, let him taste it and asked him what he thought, he said "It's good, I love vanilla!" I looked at him and said "That's frozen yogurt silly!!" He replied "oh?" and kept on eating. Crazy kid! I can't believe he's almost taller than me now :( No fair!

P.S. Does everyone get the picture? hehe

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5 Comments:

tisha said...

My ex beau was just like your ex. It's amazing the impact they can have on us.

♥ Dee ♥ said...

My oldest son's father, too.

that TOPS lady said...

Don't feel wierd. It happens. I'm glad you can still have a good relationship. My mom's boss found out her hubby was looking at other men online.....apparently she confronted him about it....last week he poured gas on top of her head and set her on fire!!! She is in the hospital in Oklahoma City. So, yes, I'm glad you both still have a good relationship. It helps your son too, for yall to have a good relationship.

Megan said...

This is you blog, you share whatever you want. If anyone is weirded out there are plenty of blogs with easy normal perfect lives to read- oh wait, no there aren't, everyone's life is weird :)Way to go on the pool, now you've got me craving a cone!

My Big Fat Super Super Obese Blog said...

Wow on so many levels. Tisha and Dee...amazing how many of us are out there...really. I discovered three other women where I work have gone through the exact same thing and we work for a relatively small company and are scattered all over the country (we all work from home).

Tops mom, my stomach is literally turning at your story. What I've found in my own connections with other women who have gone through this is that many of these men are completely narcissistic and almost masochistic. My ex went through a bit of misplaced anger at me I think for a while, but it was very short lived and I thank God every day that he's a decent man because I hear horror stories from at least 95% of women in my position. Yours has to be the worst I've heard though. I hope your mother's boss will continue to improve. At some time, please feel free to tell her about the Straight Spouse Network. If she ever needs someone to talk to, I'd be happy to share my phone number with you. The SSN also has a kind of buddy program and the woman who started the group, Amity (she also wrote the book "The Other Side of the Closet" has even called me herself to make sure I was doing ok. It can be an absolute lifeline to women who have had their entire world shattered. I haven't prayed much in the last few years, but I will keep your friend in my prayers.