Christmas and Dating and pseudo-Anniversaries aside...

Ok, so the holidays I went a little nuts. I’m up about 5 lbs, but honestly I don’t really know how I gained that much because although I did indulge more, it wasn’t anything nearly as bad as what I have done in the past. I wasn’t eating all day long, but I did have more than my fair share of cookies and other carbs over 3-4 days. As of yesterday though, I am back on track which is a feat in and of itself.

In the past, anytime I’ve gone off a low carb diet for a few days, it has been incredibly difficult to get back on the wagon. Usually, it doesn’t happen until I had gained a substantial amount of weight (at least another 20 lbs) and had been off a diet for several months. So far, it hasn’t been that difficult to get back on program which is really encouraging to me. I’m currently at 328 and have been sitting there a few days. We’ll see how I do at next week’s weigh in.

Christmas went great by the way. Tanner and I went and put money down on his bike and I got some money from my SIL and MIL that I’m going to go put down on my bike. After I pay tuition and get my books, I’m going to see how much I have left to play with next month and hopefully make another payment on both bikes. I can’t wait until we can get out on them together for the first time!

I’ve also been playing around with some dating sites. I honestly don’t know why. I think I’m just curious about what is out there, but I don’t really think I’m all that serious about dating anyone just yet. I mean, I’m getting ready to start school and to top it all off, Erik and I aren’t formally divorced yet so that is kind of a kink in things. I've also always felt pretty strongly about getting involved with anyone before Tanner turns 18. I just feel like anything else is only going to eat into any time I should be setting aside for him, but part of me would like to get out once in a while.

I’ve joined a few meetup groups and I think that may be more my cup of tea. You can join groups and meet people with similar interests, not necessarily for dating, but for friendship, etc. I think I’m really just interested in expanding my social circle now that I can actually get out and do stuff again. The few dating sites I joined haven’t yielded the best results (guys typically looking for a hookup or just not what I’m looking for intellectually, etc.) So, I think I’ve just decided to try a few of these meetup groups now and then (when I have the time between Tanner, school and work lol) and enjoy my freedom for now.

I have no idea when Erik and I are actually going to formalize things. At this point, until we really decide to get separate households or start dating someone seriously I don’t think either of us feels the need to pursue a formal divorce. It will happen eventually though; no chance of us working this out for obvious reasons.

Incidentally, our 16th anniversary is this Friday although I think we both stopped counting three years ago when it was obvious our marriage was over. On some level, it still makes me a bit sad, but I’m not sure why. Maybe the impending “anniversary” is what has prompted my recent interest in dating? I would think it probably has something to do with it. I think part of me will always be sad that things couldn’t be different for us. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not “pining” for him and I definitely wouldn’t want that sort of relationship with him now, but I guess part of me (the part that meant my vows) feels cheated that there was really nothing I could have ever done to try to make our marriage work. It just really never should have been.

Part of me also wonders how in the world I’m ever going to explain it all to my next “love interest” if there ever is a next one. I just kind of feel like I was forced to carry all this baggage into my new life and most people are going to see it as a lot of drama they’d rather do without. Oh well, I’ll just cross that bridge when I come to it.

All in all, I’m in a very good place. I’m loving getting up every morning and I’m enjoying wondering what this next year will bring. I’m nervous about starting school again, but excited about the challenge and about where I might be next year. I have lots of plans and goals and a future to look forward to!