I just wanted you guys to know that I am doing fine...I know I've been super slacking on posting lately. I will fess up and say that I haven't been doing all that great on the diet. I haven't weighed myself and I probably won't this week, but I haven't completely fallen off the wagon. Every day, it is usually *something* but I'm not going crazy which is still progress for me.
Why have I been so vulnerable? I really don't know. I'm definitely fighting my way back out of this depression. I've felt much better this last week, but I have been feeling rather overwhelmed. I had my recurring nightmare I usually get when I'm overwhelmed last night which is usually one of the following:
1. I'm chewing a big wad of bubble gum and can't seem to spit it out. It sticks to my gums and my teeth and as I try to pull it out my teeth come with it.
2. My mouth starts to fill with this paste; almost like my teeth are making it because it sticks to my teeth and I scrape and scrape but can't ever seem to get it all out of my mouth. If I do manage to clean it all out, the next thing I know, my mouth is full of it again.
Last night, it was the nasty paste. I'd almost rather have the gum dream because the paste is just disgusting; almost unclean or something blech. Maybe I should think about this dream whenever I'm craving something fattening. It certainly kills your appetite doesn't it?
So, why am I having these dreams and why am I feeling so overwhelmed? I think its because I've had a lot on my plate lately. First, I had to pay the taxman with money I really didn't have. Then my son did a number on both his hearing aid and cochlear implant. Work hasn't been all that great and one of my jobs isn't as lucrative as it once was so financially all the way around things are tight. I think because I typically handle stress like this with food its been more difficult because I'm also trying to lose weight. I don't WANT to turn to food to cope, but that creates its own kind of stress.
I've also held off on exercise until I can get a stress test done with my doctor (slated for April 30th). I've been having periodic symptoms and he wants to get a good idea about where my heart is functioning and make sure I'm on the right medication before I start taxing it too much. It's frustrating because I do want to start working out. I want to build my strength up because I know that once I start, It will start to snowball in the other direction (getting stronger), but something inside of me just feels so ...defeated...everytime I try to get started and realize my limitations. I know that I have to start somewhere, but sometimes, just thinking about how difficult it is and how slowly I have to start makes it seem like I will never get there and it kind of paralyzes me and makes me want to go back to bed.
I realize this sounds incredibly pathetic, but I'm just being honest about what I struggle with on a daily basis. I keep making "plans", new ideas about exercise, buying bands, downloading this, printing off a workout regime, etc but I never actually get around to DOING any of it and its pissing me off frankly. I HATE being *that* person who does nothing but sit around and moan about her problems but does NOTHING to change her situation. I guess that's the main reason I haven't been posting. I don't want to lie and say I'm sticking to the plan, working out, etc when I'm not but I don't want to get on here and moan and whine about how "hard" it is to get motivated either.
Maybe I'm spending too much time thinking too far ahead. I do that and then start making a mental list of everything I have to do and before I know it, I'm feeling overwhelmed and just want to lose myself in a book or by going to sleep. Maybe I need to throw all my plans out the window and just take it moment by moment?
One thing I am planning on doing this week is posting here every day regardless of whether or not I think I have anything to say. I need to just get myself back into the groove because when I was posting every day I found it much easier to stay on track. Here's to day 1!