My Progress!

Monday, May 24, 2010

And people wonder why I feel like such an ogre...

Don't you love how I always start these posts off by saying I'm going to wrap it up in a nutshell and then....five pages later...I'm ready to post? The real nutshell is this:

HCG isn't for me. I'm back on a sensible diet and have lost the five lbs I put on while loading for the hcg. I've been back to the pool last week and have started other exercises at home to build up my strength. I've called my surgeon to schedule my surgery for mid to late June and I WILL have the weight off by then.

Now for the crazy vent that just had to happen so that I could get to sleep tonight. If Erik is one of your favorite people, you may want to stop reading because this is pretty much all about him.

I’ve started and stopped writing this post for the last several days. Really since my last post. I’ve just had so much crap going on and I didn’t want to get on here and just bitch about my crappy life some more so I elected to not say anything at all. I don’t really want to go into elaborate detail, so I’ll just bullet point everything so I can just move on with the weight loss and exercise bit which is all anyone probably really wants to hear at this stage in the game:

*my dog ran away
*erik has some neck problem that required a $500 MRI and Physical Therapy that is going to cost us another $120 a week and seeing as he can’t afford it, guess who gets to pay for it???
*Tanner demolished his cochlear processor a month or so ago and we just found out that it is going to cost $1500 to repair. Looks like he’s just going to have to be a little bit deafer for a little bit longer
*even though Erik can barely afford to pay his share of the bills each month, he is talking about trying to go back to school and while he says he’ll square away the finances on his own, I just have this feeling it is going to add to my already unbelievable financial burden and I’m just DONE making up the difference all the f'ing time.
*Erik’s rich friend offered to pay for his THIRD f'ing vacation since we split up (I haven’t had one f'ing vacation the entire time we’ve been married) and when I spoke up about not relishing the idea of juggling Tanner for four days WHILE I tried to work from home, this guy called me a vindictive bitch for “orchestrating” the whole thing just to take the “only four days out of the year he has off” away from him. In all fairness to Erik, he didn’t have a problem when I mentioned that it was stressing me out, but come on……why did I even have to point out the f'ing obvious??
*Tanner threw a teacher’s phone which means that he (read me) has to reimburse her for it. He’s been thoroughly punished and doing extra chores and had all kinds of shit taken away in order to “pay” for it, but it doesn’t negate the fact that it’s coming out of my pocket
*I am so tired of never having a f'ing car that I am seriously about to go postal on someone. I have to rely on a friend to get to the gym and I’m just sick and damn tired of trying to figure out how I’m going to get stuff done; not to mention, it is almost summer and I’d like to be able to go back to the outdoor pool with tanner. And, whenever I get this worked up about it, I can’t help but be a little pissed at Erik for putting me in the f'ing position where my car got repossessed in the first place.
*speaking of pool, the cherry on top of this crap sundae happened yesterday during a sweet little conversation Erik and I had about pool memberships. WE were looking at a local pool and they had three different kinds of memberships: individual, plus one, and family. At first I said that I thought maybe we could just do the plus one since we are hardly ever able to do anything together due to work schedules. Then I noticed that they were open until 9PM on Fridays and Saturdays and said “Hey, I bet that would be fun! It would be an inexpensive way for us to get out as a family..” and although erik wasn’t facing me, something in his body language immediately alerted me to the fact that he was instantly uncomfortable.

Why don’t we just take this bullet and blog about it because it is what is really eating me for the last day or two. So, normally when I see Erik get like this, I joke it off…give him a pass…make up a million and one damn excuses for why it is perfectly ok for him to be ashamed of me. I don’t know what got into me, but maybe its just been the last few weeks of hell that have put me in one of the all time bitchiest moods I’ve been in for quite some time. Maybe its because I’m actively working out and trying to watch what I eat and not coping so much with food when I have these emotions. I don’t know, but this time it just all came out. I made a comment along the lines of “Oh, I guess you probably wouldn’t be up to that, being seen with me in a swimming suit…the horror!” He said nothing, didn’t turn around from the computer, nothing. “what’s the big deal Erik honestly? You see what I wear, I have a pair of swim shorts and wear a shirt over my suit, it isn’t like I’m going to be flouncing around in a one piece” he made some kind of dismissive “pshaw.” For probably the first time in my life, I didn’t back down..”Really erik, what the F do you CARE what other people think? It isn’t like I’m going to be kissing all over you and trying to hold your hand or something” his response? “Anyways…moving on.” Yeah, I think I’ve said before that he doesn’t like to talk about stuff like this and lucky for him, he picked someone who is a chronic smoother over, fix anything, delicately step around everybody else’s f'ing feelings kind of girl so I’ve never made things quite so uncomfortable for him before.

Hurt and disgusted, I got up from the bed in his room and went into my office to cry. He decided that was the PERFECT time to go get the batteries we needed for our fire alarms. While he was gone, I decided that I wasn’t done talking about this so when he got back I asked him to come in so we could talk. He stood in the doorway as if he was WILLING me to ask him what the weather was like so he could shut the door and move on with his life. I suggested he sit and he had the f'ing nerve to act SURPRISED that I might want to be having a lengthy convo about something that was obviously important to me….what could it possibly be?

I basically told him that I wasn’t stupid. That I KNOW the real reason why he won’t go out to dinner as a family….why he turns down ANY suggestion that we go out in public in any f'ing form. That the look of discomfort on his face doesn’t go unnoticed whenever he’s talked about a work or school function and I even halfway acted like I might be interested in going. I acknowledged that about the only damn thing he WILL do with me in public is go to the movies with tanner and I because he can walk faster than I can and if he puts enough distance between us and makes it to the theater before I do or…better yet…has me walk on ahead then nobody has to know we are together. Of course we sit together, but he’s always sure to have Tanner between us lest anyone think we are a FAMILY.

I also told him that I UNDERSTAND having a fleeting moment of discomfort…wondering how many people are going to stare, is someone going to say something. I UNDERSTAND not being able to help those feelings to begin with, but what I can’t understand is WHY after 20 years with me being the only real person in his life who accepts him for exactly who he is, being the one person he KNOWS he could always turn to, the mother of his child, his wife for 13 years, his best friend for 20…WHY NONE OF THAT F'ING MATTERS now that I’m 400+.

He tried to blame it on being “worried” about me. He’s worried that I may fall somewhere and he used an incident that happened recently (that I don’t think I got around to blogging about) where I fell outside our house. I was able to pull myself up, but for a few long minutes we weren’t sure what we were going to do. He said he thought he was going to have to call the fire department to come haul my ass off our neighbor’s lawn. This might even be a halfway decent excuse for his behavior if half the time he refuses to do something like what I’ve mentioned above he didn’t immediately suggest that Tanner and I do it minus him. If he is so worried about me, then WHY is he suggesting that his son would be any better equipped to handle it if something along those lines happened? I call bullshit.

The problem here is that I KNOW that if the shoes were reversed, if it were him that were morbidly obese, I *might* have the same sort of initial *cringe* worrying about what other people might say to him or stare at him, etc. But the difference here is that I would be worried about how it would affect HIM…not how it would affect ME. I wouldn’t care what some stranger thought about ME being with him as a friend or otherwise because I have 20 years of history with this man. While things haven’t been perfect, I’ve always thought he was an amazing man and father and while I won’t take the amazing father from him…I’m beginning to wonder if this amazing man was just more of the f'ing fabrication I made so that we could go on living our fa├žade of the happy family. So, up to this point…all things being perfect….I would have said “Screw all those other people, let them stare, let them say whatever the hell they want. He is MORE than his body. He is an amazing father, he has a mother and sister that love him, friends that care about him for who he is…these people don’t know all that so yeah….they are going to judge him by his shell, but SO F'ING WHAT!” If he’s interested in doing something health for him and for his family, I’m going to support him in whatever way I can and screw what anybody else thinks. You know what his answer to that was? “I guess you are just a better person than I am.”

At that point I just said “Alrighty then, I guess that is all there is to say about that then isn’t there?” Because really…what more can we say? It is what it is. He’s embarrassed and ashamed of me and NOTHING else that makes me who I am means enough to him to support me regardless. So what CAN I really say or do about it? Nothing.

This obvious vent isn’t so much about this ONE thing. It is about feeling as if I’m having the same “There is no Santa Clause” moment over and over and over again. How many times am I going to have these blinders ripped from my f'ing head before I SEE things for what they really are? I have never meant to him what he meant to me. I never WILL mean anything more to him even on a friendship basis. And the saddest thing? He will NEVER live up to the man I built him up to be in my head. It just isn’t in him.


cmoursler said...

I am going to say something here.
Don't pay for his school.
If his rich friend wants to pay for something, let him pay for his school.
Don't do it.
The most important person in this entire equation is you.
This is something I learned through dealing with an addict.
The only person you can control is yourself.
As tempting as it might be to put your blinders back on, to not see what it is you are seeing because it is very painful....keep them off and start ordering your life according to reality.
I had to do this.
I had to realize that Tim wasn't going to change willingly.
I had to draw a line. And I did.
That line was....keep drinking I leave.
Keep ignoring our family and I leave.
It scared the crap out of me.
I didn't know if he even really loved me like I loved him. and up until that ultimatum...I didn't know. I said " I don't want to be your consolation prize..I'm nobody's second choice' and I sat and waited for his response.
It was what I had hoped for..but I was by no means certain. And more importantly. I was willing to let him go to reclaim my power and my dignity.
You are nobody's burden.
You are nobody's shame.
You deserve better.
You are loveable.
You need to get YOU healthy.
YOU need....
and you need to find someone that can help you as much as you help them.
You deserve true love, and true companionship.
That is all I am going to say..
oh, and you aren't any sort of are an intelligent, lovely person.
Hugs to you.
Hold on to your reality.
Hold on to your dignity.

Learning to be Less said...

Wow! Sounds like you have held a lot inside. What an a-hole.

I TOTALLY agree with Chris on this. It is not up to you to take care of him. He wnts to be on his own, so be it. Time for him to man-up.

You deserve someone to treat you really nice. Those people are out there. Just because you spent 20 years with this dude does not mean you have to spend another 20. There is a better life out there. You just keep doing what you have to to make it happen.

*Tracy* said...

im sorry for what your going thrue and understand how hurt you must feel! take care of you and your son.

Tammy said...

lol you know my thoughts on this

~ugly girl with a beautiful heart~ said...

My opinion? Kick his ass out and be done with it.

Anonymous said...

Hello, he's gay! Could that be why he doesn't want to be seen with you....Maybe you need to give him the pink slip on his life and let him GO!

cmoursler said...

wow to anonymous up gay people don't like to be seen with people of the opposite sex? Bullsh*t.
Why does she need to give him a pink slip and let him 'go'.
Is he not a cogent functioning human being with two functioning legs and a functioning brain pan.
I think so.
Maybe he needs to man up and support himself.
just a theory. oy.

Anonymous said...

Look they are enabling each other, he needs to get out and live his life honestly, and yes support himself and provide help for their son. She needs to get it together and lose the weight. Do whatever it takes and STICK to it. Yes its HARD and yes its uncomfortable, but you can't just sit back at let life pass you by. Concentrate on YOU...not him and you.

My Big Fat Super Super Obese Blog said...

chris: I'm not planning on paying for his school. He has said he will ask for help from family members, but I don't know how much they will be able to help or for how long. His second job isn't going to have much work over the summer, but he isn't exactly bending over backwards trying to find something to supplement it. I have a job that he could be working on right now and he has said that he will, but as far as I know has yet to really attempt it.

When we split up, I had just put him through about three years of school. Not so coincidentally, when we ended up having to sell our home and move (right around the time we split up) I told him that he couldn't go to school anymore for the time being...I needed him to work. It was right around that time he decided he couldn't continue in the marriage which left me feeling pretty used (as in..he could “suffer” through the marriage as long as I was putting him through school, but once that went away, he just couldn't do it anymore). So no, I won't be paying for his school, but if something comes up that he can’t pay his share of (rent, food, etc) I’m going to have to make up the difference regardless.

As for his rich friend….this guy doesn’t WANT to pay for Erik’s school or tanner’s cochlear or anything else. His friend wants his buddy to come out and have some fun. In other words, these trips are about what his friend wants more than really doing what Erik wants. Don’t get me wrong, Erik loves the opportunity to go to palm springs, las vegas, etc, but if he asked his friend for money for school, I have a feeling this guy would come up with a lot of reasons for why he couldn’t do that (namely..if the friend isn’t getting something out of it…why bother..he seems like that sort of guy).

And to anonymous: You are right, we are enabling each other. And yes, in a perfect world, it would probably be much better for both of us if we could truly split up and live in separate households, but if you’ve read much of my blog or know me personally you know our world is far from perfect. We have a very difficult child with special needs we are trying to parent. Financially, I could make it on my own, but if Erik moved out on his own, there is no way he could pay all his bills AND child support, etc. We tried that already. Trust me, I am NOT trying to hang on to my marriage…I am trying to make the most of a very shitty situation and for a while, I thought we were doing pretty well. I really really resent the whole “let him go” comment. I let him go a long time ago. He knows that I wouldn’t go back to the marriage if he came to me and begged me on bended knee. I’d rather be alone for the rest of my life than put myself through that again. He’s gay, we both know he’s gay and nothing is ever going to change that. So PLEASE, he is free to go whenever he wants. You may not have meant it that way, but I am up to HERE with people who think the straight spouse somehow shackles the poor gay spouse into a loveless marriage. He is the ONLY one who entered into this marriage with knowing FULL well what sort of deck he was holding…I was clueless and took him at his word. I was the one that was LIED to. HE asked ME to marry HIM not the other way around. So if anyone was shackled into a relationship without really knowing what they were getting themselves into, it was ME.

As for the bit about sticking to a diet and “yes its hard” etc…I agree with you. Nobody is more disgusted with the fact that I have sat around and bitched and moaned and complained while I watch several more years of my life go by. It is pathetic. It isn’t the person I want to be. I strive everyday to CHANGE who I am, to get off the couch and to the gym. Some days I’m actually successful and I can only hope that I can start stringing a few more of those together. I’m certainly going to keep trying.

Thanks to the rest of you for your support.

Low Carb Daily said...

You accept him for who he is... He needs to do the same for you.

Anonymous said...

A good father? Sorry, but I think you've got blinders on there too. A good parent leads by example, and Erik is disrespectful, dishonest, and irresponsible.

I truly wish you the best of luck in your weight loss quest.

KrysTros said...

It's time to do for you, honey. The only way you are going to live the rest of your life is if you go ahead and do this diet and then this surgery to lose the weight. Erik is a grown man, he can pay his own dang bills and he can help pay for the child he brought in this world. You can't make him feel different from what he feels and if he feels ashamed or embarrassed then it just shows how low his character really is and you really should just say "F that!" because being fat shouldn't stop you from going out and being appreciated by the people in your life. You are going to be alright, and I am glad that you decided to confront him on something that was bothering you. Don't be afraid to speak what's on your mind, out loud, outside of your blog.

Kim said...

I think it's great you're venting all of this. I've been reading your blog for a while and honestly I don't know how you do with the man you're not with anymore. What's worse is the fact you're never in the position to start the healing from this broken marriage b/c he's still living with you. I understand your son has special needs and the reasoning for Eric being there, but will you be able to reclaim your health in the midst of someone who's clearly not good for your needs?
I may have totally read it the wrong way, but I understood the comment "Let him go" from anonymous to be about letting him go b/c he's still needing you too much...and not the other way around. I have no doubt you're not clinging onto him. Everything I read from you shows a woman of massive strength. I think despite the not so nice way he treats you that he really needs you more than you need him and it really does seem like he's using you. I can understand the financial difficulties though...I know that's a hard thing to get out of. I hope you find peace in all of this and I hope you are able to find your way to healing. I promise you're not alone in your struggles and I wish you wouldn't put yourself down so much. You're a great lady who's been dealt a bad hand...who wouldn't struggle with it? Not to mention, sometimes you're apologetic for putting your feelings on this blog...who wouldn't have troubles when you've got no good "in real life" outlet to channel your anger, frustrations, and disappointments? I'm sure Eric isn't the evil incarnate, but there's nothing wrong at all with putting a good heaping dose of anger in its due place. It doesn't mean you let the anger fester, but own that anger...get angry and release it and you'll feel so much better. Send it out into the universe and let it be. If you were here I'd give you a great big hug. Remember to love yourself exactly where you're at and say good things to yourself b/c YOU are a loving mother and friend and those are two tough jobs. I hope I don't offend you...sorry ahead of time. I'm not always the best with words. :) I'm having marital issues and some of what your'e going through, I can relate with a lot.