My Progress!

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Making progress :)

I typed this up last night, but forgot to post :( Stepped on the scale today and I'm at 431 and some change. The lowest I've been in a Loooooooooooooong time. I think it is the lowest I've been since starting this blog. Looking forward to the 420's.

I’m already feeling bad about my post yesterday. Not because I didn’t mean what I said, but ….I don’t know..I guess it is just part of my make up. I don’t think that Erik is evil incarnate. There are good things about him, but I guess I’m just starting to see that he just isn’t the person I’ve thought he was. I guess I just don’t trust my judgment about him and my new years resolution was to get rid of people who don’t seem to invest as much into a relationship with me as I do with them. Of course I can’t sever ties with Erik, we share a child together, but honestly….I think I may have just had my final wake up call about the sort of relationship we will be able to have from here on out. I don’t really want a steady diet of someone who places so much value in appearance and in what other people think of them. Of course people could say I might not be in the situation I am in right now if I cared a bit MORE about what people thought of me.

Some good has come out of this though. I called my surgeon today and scheduled my surgery. I will be having surgery July 6th. That gives me over a month to get the remaining 34 lbs off. He only required 30 (15 of which I’ve lost), but I want to be under 400 by the time I have surgery. I started crunching numbers and based on how others have done with the same surgery, I could possibly have as much as 40-50 lbs off by the end of July. That would have me at 350 lbs before the end of summer! I haven’t weighed that much since probably the late 90’s! I could easily have another 100 off before the end of the year which would have me at the weight I was when I got pregnant with Tanner and just 30 lbs from the skinniest I’ve ever been! These are the things I need to stay focused on. Please keep me in your prayers.

I think one of the first things I’m going to love doing when I get enough weight off is doing my own grocery shopping. It is going to take a while to get there though as I'm finding I just can't walk for long stretches without having pretty bad knee pain. So, I’ve even been looking at bikes for both myself and Tanner. Last night I found this site and talked with a guy this morning who said that he could get a bike together that would support my weight for about $700. Much less than the $2000 bike I’ve seen at another place. I used google to see how far the pool is from where we live and it is just under 2 miles. I think going to the pool would be a great incentive to get tanner to get on his bike and 2 miles there, 2 miles back! Sure, we will probably be the neighborhood freak show (I’m sure loads of people won’t be able to resist getting a phone cam picture of me on a bike from behind), but so what! In no time at all, they won’t even recognize me the next time I’m out right ;)

I don’t have the money for the bikes at the moment. I have to get $500 together as my down payment on the surgery and take into consideration that I won’t be working while I’m recovering. Erik’s pay is going to drop as well since he won’t have much work with his second job over the summer. I’m not going to think about that though. If I had to have emergency surgery, we’d find the money somewhere and if this isn’t an emergency, I don’t know what is.

Today I stayed on target for my diet (probably way under, haven’t added everything up yet). I was supposed to go workout with Shannon, but for various reasons, it didn’t happen so I did 5 minutes on the treadmill and 100 (adapted crunches). I was really hoping I could last longer on the treadmill, but my right knee starts to feel like like there is a dagger inside it by about 4:30 so I didn’t push it. I’ll work hard in the pool tomorrow. I’m thinking about going first thing in the morning just in case shannon can’t go tomorrow afternoon. We’ll see if I can drag myself out of bed early enough.

OH! And one other great thing happened today :) My puppy came back! I’ll take that for a good omen :)


Verity Vaudeville said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Verity Vaudeville said...

I don't think you should feel bad about your post; I would feel something similar if my partner treated me like that too, and since you don't have Erik as your confidant where else do you turn? Where's the support? The emotional crutch?

And of course, the resentment at being treated as something to be avoided out in public, needs to be released/channelled somewhere. This is really hurting you deep down, I can tell, try though you might to deny it to yourself. You are a fucking human being! Not a spectacle or a dose of the plague. And he needs to realise that, otherwise maybe you'll treat him in a similar fashion.

See how he likes being ignored and made to feel unimportant, and like he doesn't matter. I'm not saying he's evil incarnate, like you said, but even so. He needs to grow a pair and give you some respect.

This could be a hindrance to your success, if you let it, but I know you have it in you to really do well. You can do this!


Tricia said...

Congrats on scheduling your surgery date! That's very exciting and I'm happy for you. <3

Don't feel bad about your post. You posted the truth, according to you, and there's no shame in that. Whether you're typing it or just thinking it, it's still the way you view your situation, so don't feel bad for letting it out. It's hard when you realize things aren't meant to be, especially once you're invested so much into them. I hope you and Erik get this sorted out soon. You don't need someone hanging around if they're not committed to at the very least, a decent friendship with you. Be strong, friend.

Ice Queen said...

Yay! You have a surgery date! I will keep you close in my thoughts and prayers as the time drws near and as you go through the surgery and recovery. I truly hope that this is going to be the tool that will help you to reach your health goals. :D

Good for you, getting to 431. It feels good to see that scale number going down, doesn't it? Hang tough and keep on keeping on, girl.

I don't think anything negative about you, at all. You are honest and you are expressing honest feelings and experiences. There is nothing wrong with that. My heart aches for you, not having someone at home who treats you with the love and respect you deserve and will listen and support you. So, your bloggy friends will do it.


cmoursler said...

that post was an expression of feeling spit on. I can't think of anyone who wouldn't feel the same way.
I am so glad you are on your way to where you want to go.
Sending all good vibes. and wishing you all the best.

Anonymous said...

it seems as though you are having tough times can you afford bariatric surgery? I understand its quite expensive

My Big Fat Super Super Obese Blog said...

verity: wow, thank you for your comments. I think I get caught between being grateful for what he has done and continues to do for me, resentment that maybe he does it all to cope with his guilt about deceiving me for our entire relationship, etc. He isn't horrible, but I think I'm beginning to see that despite what he says periodically, his actions all along have really said that he could take me or leave me. Would he miss me if we completely stopped communicating? Maybe now and then, but I think he'd handle it a lot better than I would. I'm at a point in my life where I'm tired of settling for what I can get and searching for what I DESERVE. I'm done wasting energy on relationships that are one sided or going nowhere. I don't know if Erik is one of those relationships, but I can only imagine that as I lose weight, my resentment will only grow as he opens up to being seen in public with me. I don't know, guess I'll cross that bridge when I come to it, but thank you for your comments. I visited your blog and its amazing! Amazing writing!

Tricia! So glad to hear from you sweetie! I was thinking about you the other day. I keep meaning to try to get around to my favorite blogs, but as you can see, most days I'm good to post on mine :S I'm kind of over feeling bad about the post now. Honestly, Erik knows I have a blog, he knows where to go to read it, but apparently he has absolutely no interest in it. He could come here, read and represent his view point anytime and honestly, sometimes I wish he would, but I don't think he's ever really come and read it on his own and again...that kind of only speaks to the fact that he isn't as invested in me as I've been in him. It is what it is though and I can live with it really. Does it hurt, hell yeah or I wouldn't be moaning about it, but nothing I can do to change anything so have to just move on. Thanks so much for posting, it was great to hear from you!!

Ice Queen: THanks for the support. It means a lot to me!

Chris: yes, that is very much what it feels like :(

Anonymous: I pay hundreds of dollars each month for medical insurance. I have to come up with $500 for my portion of the surgery and again....working my ass off to make the extra money.