I Have Some Bad News and Some Good News

I'm sure you want the bad news first right? Why don't we start with my food log for yesterday, go ahead and take a look, I'll wait. Did that "snack" catch you off guard? I know it did me. Obviously, looking at how most of my day went food-wise it makes a little more sense. I had a decent breakfast, but then basically skipped lunch. I didn't do it on purpose, I just got busy working and then walking and working again and before I knew it...it was almost time for Tanner to get home from school. I didn't even have the fiber one bar until about 3:30.

Dinner was decent too. I made a pasta dish that Tanner calls "Same thing always." The funny thing about it, is it's never "Same thing always." The basics are usually the same: half whole wheat pasta (usually penne) half regular pasta (I plan on reducing the regular until we are just eating whole wheat), a little bit of olive oil, but the other ingredients always change. Sometimes I throw in some sundried tomatoes, sometimes I add mushrooms. Really, I tend to add whatever I have in the fridge at the time in the way of meat and/or vegetables and it always comes out delicious. One day I'll get around to posting it in my recipe blog. but I'm tweaking it a bit. About the only thing that maybe isn't so great about it is the sodium level. Last night, I made it with zucchini and italian tomatoes. Since we didn't have any chicken defrosted, I decided to steam some edamame for protein. After dinner, I felt satisfied and full. Usually Tanner and I will choose a yogurt for "dessert," but neither of us was really hungry so we didn't bother with it.

Later, I decided to watch last week's "Hell's Kitchen." I know...reality TV is kind of a guilty pleasure of mine. Maybe because as I've gotten bigger, my own reality has become a little surreal. Some part of me must be living vicariously through people who are actually "living" their life instead of merely observing. Sad I know, but it's probably at least a little bit true. Outside of American Idol and Big Brother, I don't watch much reality anymore. I've never been into the Tila Tequila/Rock of Love sort of shows (a girl's gotta have some standards), but somehow I got drawn into Hell's Kitchen. I love to cook and something about this show caught my attention. Sometimes I think I watch because I don't want to miss the moment when Gordon Ramsay's head finally explodes. I'm just mesmerized by the level of emotion this man can lose himself in just running a kitchen..crazy.

The show I was watching was from last week and they were catering a kid's bar mitzvah and one of the tasks was to create a hamburger. One of the teams made this Kobe beef hamburger with some kind of sundried tomato spread and God knows what else and instantly I was salivating. I was caught completely off guard. I half way thought that I needed to turn it off. As much as I love cooking shows, they are usually completely off limits when I'm dieting. I just can't handle it. I've been known to work up an appetite watching Andrew Zimmern for pete's sake; have you seen what this guy eats? I truly have an addiction, but I digress...

So I'm watching them prepare this burger and by the time the kid gets to bite into it, I'm salivating. I can almost taste it I want one so bad. I have a craving for a burger that has absolutely consumed me. I half-heartedly try to look up information on the internet about how to deal with cravings, but I know it isn't going to make a difference. I want a hamburger and I want it NOW. Did I mention that it was 10:00PM? I finally decided on Jack in the box and the rest is history.

So, of course the bad news is that I cheated last night in a major way. The good news is that I'm now paying for it. I got absolutely NO sleep last night due to heartburn and that burger sitting in my gut like a rock the whole night. I actually had a nightmare that I had stuffed myself with rancid meatloaf! At 4am I was contemplating just making myself throw up so I'd feel better (not in the bulimic sort of way), but decided against it. Its 11am and I just now had a fiber one bar and I expect that is probably all I'm going to eat until dinner. Not because I'm trying to make up for the fat and calories last night, but just because I do not feel like eating at all. Blech!

And now I deal with the guilt and shame of the whole thing. Realizing that I am still so powerless when it comes to fighting those cravings. Honestly, I think part of it had to do with yesterday and getting on the treadmill. While it was a huge step for me, it was also such an "in your face" moment realizing how difficult it was for me to walk for 5 minutes. I tried to keep a positive perspective on things, but deep down inside I just felt like such a loser...5 freaking minutes! Every time I went to get up out of a chair, I felt every minute in my legs too. My hip ached, my knee stiffened right back up and the overall general fatigue in my legs just reminded me exactly how big a hole I had dug for myself and how difficult it was going to be to claw my way back out. I guess I was disappointed that I couldn't really be proud of the fact that I got on the treadmill because all I focused on was how difficult it was and how awful I felt later on. Maybe I do need to look into the pool? Uggh, have a break between shifts, going to lie down for a bit :(

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