I'm sure you want the bad news first right? Why don't we start with my food log for yesterday, go ahead and take a look, I'll wait. Did that "snack" catch you off guard? I know it did me. Obviously, looking at how most of my day went food-wise it makes a little more sense. I had a decent breakfast, but then basically skipped lunch. I didn't do it on purpose, I just got busy working and then walking and working again and before I knew it...it was almost time for Tanner to get home from school. I didn't even have the fiber one bar until about 3:30.
Dinner was decent too. I made a pasta dish that Tanner calls "Same thing always." The funny thing about it, is it's never "Same thing always." The basics are usually the same: half whole wheat pasta (usually penne) half regular pasta (I plan on reducing the regular until we are just eating whole wheat), a little bit of olive oil, but the other ingredients always change. Sometimes I throw in some sundried tomatoes, sometimes I add mushrooms. Really, I tend to add whatever I have in the fridge at the time in the way of meat and/or vegetables and it always comes out delicious. One day I'll get around to posting it in my recipe blog. but I'm tweaking it a bit. About the only thing that maybe isn't so great about it is the sodium level. Last night, I made it with zucchini and italian tomatoes. Since we didn't have any chicken defrosted, I decided to steam some edamame for protein. After dinner, I felt satisfied and full. Usually Tanner and I will choose a yogurt for "dessert," but neither of us was really hungry so we didn't bother with it.
Later, I decided to watch last week's "Hell's Kitchen." I know...reality TV is kind of a guilty pleasure of mine. Maybe because as I've gotten bigger, my own reality has become a little surreal. Some part of me must be living vicariously through people who are actually "living" their life instead of merely observing. Sad I know, but it's probably at least a little bit true. Outside of American Idol and Big Brother, I don't watch much reality anymore. I've never been into the Tila Tequila/Rock of Love sort of shows (a girl's gotta have some standards), but somehow I got drawn into Hell's Kitchen. I love to cook and something about this show caught my attention. Sometimes I think I watch because I don't want to miss the moment when Gordon Ramsay's head finally explodes. I'm just mesmerized by the level of emotion this man can lose himself in just running a kitchen..crazy.
The show I was watching was from last week and they were catering a kid's bar mitzvah and one of the tasks was to create a hamburger. One of the teams made this Kobe beef hamburger with some kind of sundried tomato spread and God knows what else and instantly I was salivating. I was caught completely off guard. I half way thought that I needed to turn it off. As much as I love cooking shows, they are usually completely off limits when I'm dieting. I just can't handle it. I've been known to work up an appetite watching Andrew Zimmern for pete's sake; have you seen what this guy eats? I truly have an addiction, but I digress...
So I'm watching them prepare this burger and by the time the kid gets to bite into it, I'm salivating. I can almost taste it I want one so bad. I have a craving for a burger that has absolutely consumed me. I half-heartedly try to look up information on the internet about how to deal with cravings, but I know it isn't going to make a difference. I want a hamburger and I want it NOW. Did I mention that it was 10:00PM? I finally decided on Jack in the box and the rest is history.
So, of course the bad news is that I cheated last night in a major way. The good news is that I'm now paying for it. I got absolutely NO sleep last night due to heartburn and that burger sitting in my gut like a rock the whole night. I actually had a nightmare that I had stuffed myself with rancid meatloaf! At 4am I was contemplating just making myself throw up so I'd feel better (not in the bulimic sort of way), but decided against it. Its 11am and I just now had a fiber one bar and I expect that is probably all I'm going to eat until dinner. Not because I'm trying to make up for the fat and calories last night, but just because I do not feel like eating at all. Blech!
And now I deal with the guilt and shame of the whole thing. Realizing that I am still so powerless when it comes to fighting those cravings. Honestly, I think part of it had to do with yesterday and getting on the treadmill. While it was a huge step for me, it was also such an "in your face" moment realizing how difficult it was for me to walk for 5 minutes. I tried to keep a positive perspective on things, but deep down inside I just felt like such a loser...5 freaking minutes! Every time I went to get up out of a chair, I felt every minute in my legs too. My hip ached, my knee stiffened right back up and the overall general fatigue in my legs just reminded me exactly how big a hole I had dug for myself and how difficult it was going to be to claw my way back out. I guess I was disappointed that I couldn't really be proud of the fact that I got on the treadmill because all I focused on was how difficult it was and how awful I felt later on. Maybe I do need to look into the pool? Uggh, have a break between shifts, going to lie down for a bit :(
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