So I'll Keep Digging

Happy Mother’s Day. Tanner is currently at his weekly Yu Gi Oh tournament so I decided that I was going to take a walk after I got off work. My goal is to really step up the exercise this week. I’m hoping that it will help break this stall I’ve been holding for what seems like forever, but I’m also hoping it will help to channel some of my pent up frustrations with life lately into something positive. If nothing else, the activity will probably help with the stress and hopefully help drag me out of this funk I’m in.

I’m feeling a little bit better with each day and I have no doubt that in a few weeks I will be on my way to my usual positive self. I’m just having a rough patch and the other day it was a little difficult for me to get perspective considering everything that was going on in my head at the time. We all have those moments, but most don’t regurgitate it for mass consumption. I’m sure some are probably mortified by the things I share now and then. Honestly, sometimes I’M mortified at the things I’ve shared in this blog. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want to remove Friday’s post almost immediately after posting it, but…it is part of my journey.

Don’t get me wrong, I try to make my writing as transparent as I can, but I don’t share EVERYTHING here (believe it or not, there are things I won’t share). Sometimes I’m asked why I put some of this “out there” and I don’t know that I have an honest answer for the people who have been brave enough to ask. All I know is that in some weird way, it is therapeutic for me. The therapy doesn’t just come with the writing though, it’s wrapped up in the sharing as well, but I couldn’t really tell you why. I think I’m still trying to figure that out for myself.

I read posts like this one (please do yourself a favor and go read this immediately) and yearn to be able to offer introspection and clarity like this. I sometimes have moments where I stumble upon realizations about myself or about my journey and for that brief period, it’s worth it. Times when the words just flow from my fingertips and organize themselves into thoughts that reflect perfectly where my mind is at that very moment; as if I am channeling the Me I want to become. The Michelle who always holds her head up, looks people in the eye and speaks confidently about where she is and where she’s going; the Michelle who will be able to embrace the bulimic Michelle of her 20’s, the morbidly obese Michelle in her 30’s and the work in progress Michelle of right now.

She’s in there somewhere, I just have to keep digging. So far I think I may be halfway to her, my hands are caked in dirt and sometimes I’m so tired I just want to give up, but deep down I know I can’t. I owe it to myself, the person I am now who has come so far over the last several years deserves to break through that last bit of soil and grasp the hand of the person I’m meant to be and pull her free once and for all.