My Progress!

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Doggie Diarrhea: The gift that keeps on giving (and other delightful moments in the last 24 hrs)

The crapfest that was yet another 24 hours in the live of the V household started late last night. Getting ready for bed, I remembered that I had to sort out my vpn access for work to ensure that I could login for work the next morning. They are implementing this super secret 007 security something or other that scans our computer every time we try to login. It looks for viruses and ensures that our computer has all the most up to date security updates as well as all kinds of anti-virus software. If one teeny tiny thing is out of place, you are DENIED and then have to spend hours of unpaid time (unless they decide the problem is on their end) trying to figure out why your computer is being shut out. Sometimes there are legitimate reasons for the denial, but 9 times out of every 10, you are DENIED for God knows what freaking reason. This is the boring part of my post so lets suffice it to say that I couldn’t get in last night OR this morning and wasted about half an hour trying to figure out why. Ultimately I logged in through another VPN and started to work.

Tanner woke up shortly thereafter and unbeknownst to Erik, started playing a video game. We had decided that this was a definite no-no and Tanner knew it as well because he left the sound off…sneaky kid. Erik wakes up late and notices what he’s doing and tells him to turn off the video game. Of course he’s like 9 levels in and needs to get to the next level or he loses his progress. Do we care; not in the slightest. He orders him to shut the game down, trying for a gentle approach to begin with (we’ll discuss repercussions for playing the video game when he was told it was off limits in the morning later…after he gets home from school). To say Tanner wasn’t happy about turning off the video game would be a gross understatement. Things devolved into a full out throw down with yelling and screaming, hitting walls, pummeling his head with his fists…good times. GREAT way to start the morning when you’ve about three hours sleep.

Why three hours sleep? Oh, I forgot to mention that Thunder also had another poo party in the kitchen right after midnight. Once again, I smelled the lovely aroma wafting up the stairs and came out to find Erik cleaning it up at 1:30AM. There wasn’t much I could do to help him and when he’s pissed off, it’s best just to stay out of his way, but the tremendous guilt I felt about heading back to bed kept me awake until at least 3:00AM.

We finally managed to get Tanner in the shower, dressed and calmed down enough to take him to school. By the time they left, he had lost video game privileges through Monday, but we explained that he could try and earn them back if he changed his attitude and had a good day at school. Sometimes our optimism knows no bounds.

Erik goes to leave to take Tanner to school and comes upstairs asking me where the keys to my car are. I have no clue and I’m working so I’m not much help. He eventually locates the keys…in the ignition of my car… which is now completely dead. He takes the time to send me AN EMAIL IN ALL CAPS TELLING ME THAT I KILLED THE CAR and sets off for Tanner’s school in his car. You can imagine my joy at receiving the email and the subtle emphasis his capitalization afforded. I send off a quick reply reminding him that the life he’s currently living? Yeah! I get to live it right along with him so if he’s having a crappy morning, chances are I AM TOO! Cut me some slack since the day before I was trying to make it in the house, in the pouring rain with Tanner who acts like he melts in any sort of precipitation; forgive me if I had a brain fart with the keys.

I bet you think the awesomeness stops there don’t you? Well I can assure you it doesn’t! Erik gets home and sees a phone call from the school. Picking up the phone, he finds the Asst. Principal on the line with good news! We ARE going to have a hearing about the incident last week and it’s on Friday!! Yay, we have two days to touch base with our lawyers to see if they feel like providing their services free of charge or in exchange for some really awesome cupcakes as we currently are broke. Guess I know what I’ll be using my bankruptcy money for this time.

After hanging up with the lawyers, I put in an emergency phone call to my doctor explaining that I need some Xanax STAT! I give them a one minute update on what we were coping with TODAY and tell them that if I don’t get something to help me calm down, I’m fairly certain my head will explode. They take pity on me and say they’ll call it in as soon as they can. I hang up the phone and turn to Erik and say “Guess I chose the wrong time to titrate down on the old anti-depressants hmm?” He looks back and yells, “THAT’S WHAT IT IS! YOU ARE COMPLETELY F’ING WITH THE UNIVERSE TRYING TO REDUCE YOUR MEDS AND GOING ON A DIET AT THE SAME TIME! IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT!” I calmly remind him that I am also on my period which makes it the ultimate universe f’ing trifecta.

I wound up developing a migraine and slept until about 4:00P, more goodness during a conversation with the VP at the school which resulted in me informing him that Tanner would NOT be returning to school until said hearing and ARD. Tanner gets home from school, erik heads off to the store for some low carb beer and xanax so we can survive the evening. While he’s gone, Thunder takes a huge dump on the berber carpeting next to my bed…Good times. For those of you wanting more rainbows and hearts in my post…I’m pretty sure that’s how rainbows get borned…a nice hearty doggie dump bedside.

Through all this, I’m sure you guys are wondering…did she stay on her diet? You will be happy to know that I did, I also stepped on the scale and saw that I’ve gone from 447.5 to 442.2 since Monday so not much further to go before we can move past my last official weigh in of 438. Taking it second by second at the moment and hoping for the best.

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krys tros said...

Glad to know we are in this hell together. Screamed at the hubby the other night for changing the channel. "You get to eat, I don't, change it back!" My food addiction and lack of eating is getting to me. LOL we shall overcome!

Tammy said...

You have GOT to be the absolute funniest story teller I have ever come across in my life. Seriously, I read this post, and the one below it...and I was laughing so hard, tears were flooding my eyes, and they were all squinted up like an Asian person (how ironic), and it took about 3x longer to read them than it should have because I couldn't pry my laughing/crying eyes open long enough!! I'm hooked! I'm signing up! :)

Chao said...

Hello, I'm living in New Zealand, and I just have to say that you are an amazing writer. This post especially is a winner. You remind me so much of a famous english writer named Sue Townsend.

I know you will go through your problems and come out triumphant with significantly lower weight. You definitely sound very intelligent, and you will work your way out of this just like the other successful weight loss stories.

My email is Chao