My Progress!

Friday, May 6, 2011

Don't worry about me, I will live to blog another day...

Note: this post is deeply depressing, but I do feel better after writing it. Not TONS better, but better so I suppose it was worthwhile getting it out of my system.

I’ve been staring at a blank page for the last five minutes wondering where to start or what to talk about. So much going on in my head right now and I honestly don’t know which feelings are genuine and which ones are what I’m *trying* to feel instead of what I’m actually feeling. I don’t know if that makes any sense, but if you expect clarity at any point in this post I’d suggest moving along to your next blog, because my brain is well and thoroughly scrambled at the moment.

I can’t tell if I’m nursing a broken heart or a bruised ego, all I know is I feel like crap either way and it is triggering some feelings I thought I left behind looooooong ago. The bad feelings where I beat myself up for imagining I was on my way to a better me or had a “better me” to offer anyone or anything. The part of me that says “How much more ridiculous can you possibly get Michelle?...that was a laugh…you thinking you actually were…whatever.”

Of course this negative self talk brought up demons from the past; the demons that triggered my bulimia and urged my 20-something self to starve-binge-purge-starve-binge-purge until I felt I’d been punished enough. I’m not saying I’m going to start this again, I’m just owning the fact that, for the first time in a very long time I felt that urge to punish myself, not eat…to quiet the voices of self doubt and self ridicule; as if I could absolve myself of my sins of being too *this* or too *that* but never quite enough of what really matters.

OMG, how ridiculous and melodramatic is this post lol?? Don’t worry, I’ll be ok…I think I’m just hormonal for one thing, missing my mom and grandmother and just…blah.

On a lighter note…I am planning on spending my “mother’s day” tomorrow hiking with Tanner and Erik at Guadalupe River State Park. It is supposed to be an easy hike to the river and then we will have a picnic lunch and maybe even play in the water a bit depending on how cold it is. Quite different from how I spent last mother’s day I’m sure and even though the first part of this post sounds like I have a jar of razor blades at arm’s reach, I’m still very happy with where I’m at today. For the most part…guess it is just going to take my head a bit longer than I thought to catch up with the body.

And yes, I’m seeking counseling because I obviously still have quite a few things to sort out when it comes to love, loss and life.


Sarah G said...

Great big ((hugs))!!!

Joy said...

Not sure what all is going on but I do send you good thoughts. I'm sorry you're going through a rough time. I'm convinced writing it out does help so I'm glad you decided to blog. Keep your head up, lady. We're all here for you. Clearer skies are on the horizon.

Christine said...

dude...right there with fact, I am about to blog about it.
hang in there. in a week or so it will start to lift. hugs. my verification word is muted. lmao.

Ashley said...

I'm glad that writing this made you feel better. I try to always look toward the positive. If I say I can be better, that I already am, then I believe it. You've accomplished a lot. I think you need to give yourself more credit :)

Can't wait to hear about your hike. Since moving to SATX, my husband and me only tried hiking once (at OP Schabel) and I saw a snake and ran back to the car :(